The Definitive Ranking Of Scott Pruitt’s Corruptions Scandals

Another one bites the dust. On Thursday, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt resigned after months of controversies. Bye bitch! But as Pruitt moves onto his next planet-destroying adventure, we’re not going to forget all the weird shit he did. Here’s our definitive ranking of Scott Pruitt’s corruption scandals, because his tenure had more drama than a season of Real Housewives.

7. That Cheap-ass Condo

Ugh, it’s so hard to find a nice, affordable apartment, am I right? Not if you’re Scott Pruitt! Scotty Boy shacked up in a $50 a night condo right on Capitol Hill, which seems like way less than he should’ve been paying for that prime real estate. How did he get such a deal? Did he let his landlady show him endless pictures of her grandkids or something? No, actually. turns out he met privately with his landlady’s husband, who just so happened to be a lobbyist with business before the EPA.

6. The Used Trump Mattress

This one’s just weird. Pruitt allegedly sent one of his aides to buy him a used mattress. Specifically, Pruitt wanted a secondhand Trump Home Luxury Plush Euro Pillow Top, because Trump brand mattresses are the classiest mattresses. Leaving aside the fact that cabinet members aren’t supposed to make their aides buy them furniture, why the hell did Pruitt want a used mattress when he totally has enough money to afford a new one? You’re not supposed to buy used mattresses, Scott! YOU GET BEDBUGS THAT WAY.

5. Scrubbing His Calendar

Nothing to see here, folks, just the chief of the EPA keeping a secret calendar and making his aides alter his official record to hide controversial meetings about the fate of our planet.

4. Trying To Get His Wife A Job At Chick-Fil-A

I mean, it’s kind of sweet that Pruitt’s looking out for his wife? But he definitely shouldn’t have used his government sway to try to get his wife her own Chick-fil-A franchise, even though their chicken is damn good.

3. The Soundproof Phone Booth

Pruitt’s on-the-job spending was out-of-control, meaning that taxpayers had to pay for everything from his full-time security detail to his first class flights. But definitely the weirdest case of excessive spending is the nearly $43,000 soundproof phone booth he had installed in the EPA office. Look, I don’t like people listening to me talk on the phone either, but I just text instead.

2. Making His Staff Get Him Lotion

Sounds like Pruitt is one scaly-ass bitch, because he made his staff drive him around to a bunch of Ritz-Carltons in search of a fancy moisturizing lotion they sell. Yes girl, moisturizing is important but honestly, Aveeno probably works just as well.

1. Systematically Dismantling Environmental Protections

Pruitt did a ton of shitty things on the job, but the worst one was definitely being a climate change skeptic and dismantling environmental regulations for his own profit and greed. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, Scotty.

(Of course, his successor will probably be a literal lump of coal, so it’s not like things are going to get much better.)

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Definitive Ranking Of The Trump Officials Getting Yelled At In Restaurant

The worst thing at a restaurant is when your in the middle of a heated convo and the waiter comes up to see if you need another refill, clearly interrupting a private convo and you just have to quickly pretend everything is fine, when it’s not. You fake a smile and say check please, then turn back to whatever Brad/Chad is across from you, but now the fight is ruined and you didn’t even get to say your final zinger. Now take that experience and multiply it by a thousand, and you might know what it is like to be a Trump official trying to waste money eat out these days.  There is a new trend of people confronting Trump’s staff and trusted advisors while they are out to dinner, and we are here for it. Some of these confrontations are super awk and some end in drama. Here’s a ranking of the confrontations from worst to best.

Nikki Haley

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley claimed via twitter that she and her son were booed out of a restaurant in New York during the Pride Parade last month. If you think way back to 2013 and think about bathroom drama, you may remember that South Carolina had laws forcing trans people to use the bathroom for the gender they were assigned at birth. Nikki Haley opposed an amendment to that law, and people are still booing her for that five years later. (Probs has more to do with her being Trump affiliated, but whatever.) This gets a low ranking because there isn’t a video to go along with it and she didn’t even type out the word including in her very short tweet. Also nothing came out of this so it’s a weak 4/10.

We,incl my son, were booed by patrons saying hateful things as we left lunch @ Pride Parade.Our country is better than this. #HateNeverWins

— Nikki Haley (@nikkihaley) June 25, 2017

Sarah Huckabee Sanders

The official mouth piece of the Trump Administration got shut up pretty quickly when she and her family were asked to leave a restaurant by the owner moments after being seated. According to Facebook Russia the owner thought Sanders morals conflicted with her own and asked her to leave, so she and her fam did. This is a 5/10 in my book. Seriously people no video? Even 2 year olds have an iPad with them at restaurants now and not one person in this restaurant caught this on camera! Who wouldn’t love to see a frazzled Huckabee Sanders struggling for words to make sense of an awkward situation? Oh, I guess we can just watch every press conference she’s ever held. Nvm can totally picture it now.

Last night I was told by the owner of Red Hen in Lexington, VA to leave because I work for @POTUS and I politely left. Her actions say far more about her than about me. I always do my best to treat people, including those I disagree with, respectfully and will continue to do so

— Sarah Sanders (@PressSec) June 23, 2018

Kirstjen Neilsen

Remember that whole “separating children from their families at the border” thing that is still low-key not resolved? Well, right at the height of that bs,  Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen decided it was appropriate to dine at a Mexican restaurant. No bueno. Not only was Kirstjen-with-a-j booed out of the place, but people also started yelling shame at her like an episode of Game of Thrones. We even wrote about this one at the time because it was so crazy. This is a solid 7/10 because one there is a super awk video of people booing her while she pretends like nothing is happening. And I mean, she is being protested over the separation of immigrant families at the border while eating Mexican food. You just can’t even make that shit up. The restaurant was chill enough to acknowledge that immigration issues affect a lot of their staff so they allowed the protest to continue. Safe to say her guac was def extra and a half.

Part one of a video of @mdc_dsa @DC_IWW and others shouting DHS Secretary Nielsen out of a restaurant. She doesn’t need to be kidnapping #immigrantchildren to deserve this treatment. Don’t give the regime a moment of rest. #KeepFamilesTogether

— Smash Racism DC (@SmashRacismDC) June 20, 2018

Scott Pruitt

Dirty Scott Pruitt of the Environmental Protection Agency is/was prob the most scandalous person in the Trump Administration. Pruitt has gotten a lot of heat for his outrageous spending on private air travel, a $43k soundproof booth, trying to finagle his wife a job a Chic-Fil-A and honestly so much other bizarre shit paid for by our taxpayer dollars. In addition to that, he is a climate denier in charge of the EPA, so it’s basically been the Environment Destruction Agency since he was appointed. Pruitt was confronted by a mother with her child on her hip and they got a video! It doesn’t show the whole encounter, but according to the woman she felt the need to tell Scott he was ruining the planet for her son and all future generations. True.

The best part of this story? Pruitt literally resigned just days later. This gets a 10/10 for having both results and a video, praise be. If publicly shaming people while they eat to get better political policy is a trend that works, then Trump may want to start paying for everyone’s Uber Eats to avoid anymore resignations.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!