This week, the stars are here to wreak havoc on your plans. With Mars in retrograde, Mercury in retrograde, and Venus in Virgo, this can only mean one thing: slow tf down. Now is not the time for rash decisions, major moves, or overly aggressive Instagram stories. Take this as a sign from the stars to hold back, chill out, and continue main-lining reality television per usual.

Aries

With 2021 fast approaching, you’re itching to cross more of your end-of-year goals off. Unfortunately, with Mars retrograding in your sign, now is not the time to try to speed up your timeline to hit some arbitrary “completed by” goal. As they say, slow and steady wins the race. It’s okay if you don’t do everything you planned to do this year. There’s kind of been other shit going on.

Taurus

We all know you pride yourself on being chill, but there is such a thing as being too chill and you’re dangerously approaching that this week. Your go with the flow attitude might lead you down a path you don’t actually want to follow. Check in with yourself and make sure you’re headed in a direction you actually want to go. You can hit the vape pen and resume maximum chillage the moment you’re back on track.

Gemini

You’re not normally afraid of a little TMI, but this week you might want to keep your cards a little closer to your chest. With so many planets retrograding the line between “quirky overshare” and “creeping everyone the fuck out” might be a little blurred. No need to give yourself a reason to look back on the night before and wish you hadn’t said half this shit you said (though TBH you’ll be doing that anyway).

Cancer

A plan you’re dying to hatch might actually need a little more time to incubate this week, Cancer. Sure you might *feel* like it’s time to launch your big idea, but as we in astrology like to say, the stars are not aligned. Continue to tweak around the edges, do another proofread, and hold off on the big day until every planet isn’t conspiring to fuck you up.

Leo

The world has set an impossible task for you this week, Leo: stay humble. With the planets all out of whack, your self confidence can veer into overconfidence, which can veer into annoying the shit out of everyone which can veer into screwing yourself over. Basically, it’s a check-yourself-before-you-wreck-yourself-type scenario. You’ve been warned.

Virgo

Your usual ability to keep your cool goes out the window this week. Given all the astrological shakeups going on, you’re due for an emotional overload. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing! You may find yourself ready to take the plunge with your current on-again-off-again thing, or give your current partner a little extra lovin’. That should help them get through the cold, long winter sleeping next to your cold, dead heart.

Libra

Get ready for your least favorite thing: conflict. Your diplomatic sign usually prefers to handle things like adults, but there’s no use in that when everyone else is acting like they’re on the playground. Yes, Michelle Obama says to go high when they go low, but might I suggest going… medium? No need to go full real housewife, but you don’t have to hold back all your sick burns either. It’s not your fault the person you’re arguing with is a virgin who can’t drive.

Scorpio

Time to turn down the sarcasm, Scorpio. Yes, you are smarter than everyone, but nobody likes hearing that and it’s not helpful. Especially if you’re trying to convince them of anything election-related. Tone down the superiority for a minute and treat people with respect. Then you’ll actually be the badass genius you imagine yourself to be.

Sagittarius

To spend or not to spend? That is the eternal question. This week you might find yourself caught between the desire to buy yourself a shiny new toy, and the desire to continue to pay rent in a pandemic. Why not split the difference? There has to be a way to treat yourself without draining your entire checking account.

Capricorn

Your mission this week: conserve, conserve, conserve. Energy, water, f*cks to give, whatever you can. You might be tempted to overextend yourself this week thinking it’ll help get you over the finish line, but it’ll actually set you back (and f*ck up your skin). Nobody wants that.

Aquarius

That juicy piece of gossip you’re dying to share? Be sure to check, and double check, that you’re sharing it with the right people. Impulsive Mars might push you to shit talk in mixed company this week, and it could cause you some unnecessary drama. Remember the golden rule: if you don’t have anything nice to say, wait a little bit, then put it in the group chat.

Pisces

Is there a relationship in your life where you’ve been doing all the heavy lifting? Time to let that sh*t go, Pisces. All the energy you’ve been putting in to try to make things work with this lover/friend/coworker could be put towards literally anything else. Seriously. Anything. (Like finally cleaning up that pile of clothes that’s been accumulating on a random chair since the start of the pandemic.)

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The forecast next week calls for a low UNDER 20 degrees, so like, I officially think we all need to collectively be on winter vacation. How am I supposed to get work done in the frigid environment that is my office? How am I to function when it’s dark at 4pm? Where is my will to live? I mean, if you’re going to tell me that drinking at work is frowned upon, what do I have left? Help a sister out, here.

Thanks to Mercury f*cking our sh*t up and being in retrograde until November 20th, I assume most of us had an emotional rollercoaster of a week. Will the planets and stars continue to ruin our lives and make us feel way too many feelings?! Find out in your weekend horoscopes.

Scorpio

Everything is so damn inspiring, Scorpio. Seriously, everything from leaves falling off trees to the way your meal for one is spinning in the microwave has you wanting to create art and sh*t. However, Mars is messing with Pluto and making you more likely to get easily frustrated and/or blow up at someone, so maybe it’s best if you channel your inner Vincent Van Gogh and be a bit of a loner for the weekend.

Sagittarius

You’re feeling delighted by everything, Sagittarius, and the cosmos want you to share it with like, everyone. The moon is pushing you to try something new, so maybe Saturday is the perfect time to head to that nude model art class. You may even be mature enough to sketch a penis without giggling!

Capricorn

Head into the great outdoors this weekend, Capricorn. The planets are preaching self-care, and the quiet of nature could be the perfect way to calm your back-and-forth feelings. If it isn’t going to be cold as f*ck on Sunday, plan to sit outside with your PSL and stare at people. Write in a journal so people think you’re deep, too.

Aquarius

Get out of town, Aquarius. A change of pace is the best thing for you, so Saturday morning, make a plan to drive two to three hours out of the city and do something autumnal and adorable. The weekend is ideal for learning, so lean in to exploring stuff.

Pisces

Time to stare down the barrel of your finances, Pisces. You’ve been avoiding it, but it’s time to get one of those fancy apps that yells at you for the amount of money you spend on dining out and ordering Pizza Hut every other day. It’s also a great weekend to do a sit-and-think about your current career. Are you happy? Is it time to update your resume? Time to have an adult conversation with yourself.

Aries

Tis the weekend for romance, Aries. That’s shocking, ’cause you’re usually a sassy pain in the ass, but, apparently, Mars wants you to be happy Friday and Saturday, so it’s a great time to head out and try to meet people. You’ll also feel a strong desire to be active af on Sunday, so go for a jog then tell all your friends about what an amazing picture of health you really are.

Taurus

Your intuition is on f*cking point this weekend, Taurus, so listen to your gut. Friday, Venus is creating a sexy hot energy all around you, so head on out and use it to your advantage. Need a fling? A partner for cuffing season? A free drink? Whatever—you do you.

Gemini

Plan for a good f*cking time this weekend, Gemini. Call up your posse and schedule some basic activities like brunch, apple picking, or throwing pumpkin beers in the trash. You’re gonna be feeling extra intuitive, so it’s a good time to check in with your friends and see how each of them are doing while offering your sage wisdom about everything from dating to which Taco Bell menu items are least likely to give you gas.

Cancer

Get ready for some drama in the home and family department this weekend, Cancer. Mars is stirring sh*t up (typical), so try to keep in mind that tensions may be running high and you can stay out of it if you want. Focus on yourself with a trip to the spa or a much needed cut and color with your go-to salon stylist.

Leo

You won’t be able to sit still this weekend, Leo, so get ready to seize Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and make the most of them. Romance and adventure are both on the docket for Saturday, so don’t be surprised if that hike you decided to go on in the spur of the moment leads to a rom-com-level meeting with a laid-back, cool, hot, single guy who seems too good to be true. That probably won’t happen, but we can hope.

Virgo

Mercury is pushing your communication buttons, Virgo. You’re feeling smart af, so put that intellect to good use by actually reading a book this weekend or learning how to do your taxes. You could also get really drunk and discuss climate change with your besties if that’s your vibe.

Libra

Distress and discomfort are the name of the game this weekend, Libra. On Saturday you’re going to feel pulled between wanting to perform some much needed self-care and taking care of those around you. The good news is that if you’re careful, you can do both. Take time to comfort friends and family with their everyday bullsh*t, then head into the spa for some necessary you time. Come Monday, you’ll feel accomplished af.

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Goodbye Libra, and hello Scorpio! You know all that friendly, go-with-the-flow energy you cultivated last month? Yeah, that’s gone now. Scorpios have a reputation for being intense (think Taylor Swift in the “Blank Space” video), meaning Scorpio season makes us all a little more likely to get a little crazy. This emotional season asks us to go deep into our own wants and desires, and is all about developing your own intuition. Sure, this can lead to some increased paranoia as you open your eyes to the world around you, but Scorpio season also has some benefits. Namely, it’s the sexiest season of the year, meaning if you play your cards right you can end this month with a few more notches on your bedpost, and some late night experiences that would make even Samantha Jones say “Oh my!” 

Aries

Speaking of Samantha Jones, this sexy, sensual season is coming straight for you, Aries. Not only is Scorpio a naturally sexy sign, but it is also chilling in your house of sensuality all month, meaning your life is about to turn into an episode of Taxi Cab Confessions. Now is not the time to be coy about what you want, especially in the bedroom. Whether you’re partnering up with someone new or someone you’ve been with for a while, now is the time to really advocate for your own desires, no matter how weird or “freaky” they might be. And pro tip for all the ladies out there, if a dude considers you wanting an orgasm to be an out of line request, steal his phone and order yourself an Uber immediately. 

Taurus

Have any unfinished business left over from Libra season? Yeah, now is the time to tie that up. Preferably before Wednesday, when Scorpio will inject its iconically intense energy into your life, making you focus less on your to-do list and more on your intimate relationships. Don’t be surprised if you feel the need to call up a long lost friend or actually make that coffee date you’ve been saying you’ll make for months. Scorpio is all about going deep with people, meaning this month you’ll be way more focused on the biggest questions in the universe (“what is the meaning of life?”) than the minor questions of the day (“when was the last time I washed these jeans?”).

Gemini

Put the flask down, Gemini! Scorpio season has you transitioning from party animal to work horse as the Sun heads into your house of work, organization, and healthy routines starting this Wednesday. Intense, laser-focused Scorpio is giving you all the energy you need to actually finish up some of those 2019 goals that you low-key forgot to achieve this year. Yes, there is still time Scorpio season has you transitioning from party girl to promotion girl as the sun heads into your house of work, organization, and healthy routines. Yes, there is still time to learn to meditate or run a 5k. But probs not if you spend every weekend in the depths of another epic hangover. 

Cancer

This Wednesday, Scorpio lands in your flirty, fun fifth house, making you the ultimate partner right now. Single Cancers will start to find themselves attracting a lot of attention from other singles in their area, so if you haven’t downloaded Ship yet, now’s probably a good time. Coupled-up Cancers will find new ways to connect with their partner, bringing back some of that “new relationship energy” you both thought died after the first time you farted in front of each other. Single or not, Cancers should use this month to take romantic risks and expand their horizons. You might discover something new about yourself, or at least have a funny story to share at brunch. 

Leo

Take a deep breath, Leo. You’ve been in go, go, go mode since the summer, but Scorpio season is asking you to slow it wayyyy down. It’s time to bust out the ugly sweaters and and embrace the hygge energy by getting cozy as f*ck. Your need to be constantly out and about has finally extinguished and you’re ready to settle in for the cold weather months. You might not even realize how bad you need this social and emotional break, but come Wednesday, you’ll be telling everyone that you never want to hear the words “happy hour” again. 

Virgo

It’s time to step into the spotlight, Virgo! Your sign typically prefers to run things behind the scenes, but confident Scorpio is pushing you to take the spotlight. Scorpio asks us all to accept our own power, meaning you’re ready to finally step into some leadership positions that should have gone to you like, yesterday. Sure, putting yourself out there can be scary, but considering how much other people f*ck up on a daily basis and get away with it, your hardworking, diligent sign could probably stand to take a few more risks and live to tell the tale.  

Libra 

It’s natural to be feeling some end-of-season blues as your birthday month comes to a close, Libra, but we can’t be the center of attention all the time. Starting Wednesday, the Sun will be chilling in Scorpio and your second house of finances and security. This means you’re gonna have to tone spending way way down from last month, when you could basically justify any purchase by saying, “well it’s basically my birthday.” This month, you’re going to be glued to that pesky little number in your checking account and digging yourself out of whatever hole your birthday shopping spree, week of birthday drinks, and impromptu birthday vacation put you in. 

Scorpio

Welcome to your season, Scorpio! This month, everyone is going to be a little more like you, meaning you won’t be the most intense person in every room you walk into for once. You’re feeling confident and sexy, meaning you’re in an amazing position to help people connect with your inner Scorpio. As an added bonus, not having to explain yourself all the time means you’ll finally have time to work on your own sh*t and shed the baggage that is holding you back. Deep conversations, sexy strangers, and transformational experiences (aka all your favorite things) await you this month, Scorpio! Tbh the rest of the world is kind of jealous. 

Sagittarius 

Your typically outgoing sign grows introspective on Wednesday as Scorpio replaces Libra in your chart. Now is an amazing time for going through old journals, or starting a new journal if you’ve never done it before. This month is all about your connection with yourself, which can be tough for a sign that loves groups and partying so much. That said, this Scorpio energy will also give you the opportunity to experience one of the greatest feelings known to humankind: canceling plans.

Capricorn

Scorpio season is all about intimate connections, meaning your typically career-focused sign will be pulled to examine your work/life balance and, spoiler alert, there is none. Starting Wednesday, it’s time to apply some of that professional drive to your social life, and actually seek out new experiences or people. Go to happy hour with that coworker you think you might like. Take up an old friend on an invitation for a coffee date. Call your f*cking mom. Remember Capricorn, there’s more to life than just career success, and if you don’t have relationships with people, you won’t even have anybody around to be jealous when you do make it big. 

Aquarius

What were your career goals for 2019? Have you hit them? Could you do more? Scorpio season means the Sun is in your tenth house of career ambition, and you’re going to be feeling particularly motivated to get sh*t done. Two months is a lot of time, and there are probably more than a few things you could still knock off that 2019 to-do list. Sure, becoming Ariana Grande’s best friend and life coach is probably not gonna happen before January 1st, but asking your boss for a raise might! 

Pisces 

Get ready, Pisces. Starting Wednesday you’re going to be turning Scorpio’s intense energy on yourself, cleaning out your closet both literally and figuratively. You’re going to feel an intense need to get your sh*t together, whether it be by switching over to your winter wardrobe and donating a bunch of clothes you haven’t worn since the Obama administration, or letting go of relationships that haven’t served you since even longer. You won’t miss any of it, I promise.

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Ugh. It’s f*cking Scorpio season. Everything’s about to be super annoying for the next four weeks. (But the psycho Scorpios in your life will tell you it’s a “passionate” season. Riiiight.) Basically, sh*t’s going to be intense AF until November 21. Until Halloween, Venus is in retrograde, aka you’re prob going to black out and text your ex, or hit up someone who ghosted you with a “u up?” DM. There’s also going to be a full moon on Wednesday, which is essentially the moon of realizing things. There’s just like, a lot going on here. Here are your weekly horoscopes for October 22-26.

Aries

Scorpio season is giving you a chance to pull your financial life together. Well, kind of. When the sun moves into Scorpio and opposes Uranus on Tuesday, you’ll find a creative way to fix the financial issues you’ve been experiencing lately. Just like, don’t fall into an Instagram multilevel marketing scam, or something.

Taurus

Buck up, Taurus. Wednesday’s full moon might make you a little unstable, so just be aware. If you feel like you’re spiraling, try opening up and chatting instead of hacking into bae’s phone when you get the chance. I know that sounds sh*tty, but any potential psycho behaviors could shake up your relationships, so stay levelheaded, even when you feel like doing something that feels out of character for you.

Gemini

This intense Scorpio energy is about to come in clutch if you’re looking to change something that’s making you unhappy. Maybe you’ll finally start that workout plan you’ve been stalking on Instagram. Actually, you probably will. You definitely have the potential to be unstoppable rn. Just like, consider paying for those classes month-to-month rather than forking up the money for a year upfront. You’ll want the flexibility so you don’t feel locked into your new plans forever.

Cancer

You know when you find yourself randomly tearing up over something you normally wouldn’t care about and then realize it’s not your fault because you start your period the next day? That’s basically how things are going to go this week during the full moon. When you’re wondering why you’re feeling sensitive AF, it’ll all come together when you’re tapping through IG stories on Wednesday night and see a sh*tty boomerang of the full moon. For the sake of everyone involved, give your love life a break this week.

Leo

You have a ton on your plate this week, Leo. Try to get as much done as possible at the beginning of the week, so you don’t have to stress about it once it’s all piled up later. When you catch yourself online shopping at your desk, ask yourself if you actually want $200 worth of skin care products you don’t actually know how to use, or if you’re just spending to blow off steam.

Virgo

Is your bedroom covered in endless piles of laundry? Maybe your inbox has a million unread messages, but most of them are expired promotions from stores you don’t shop at and invites to events that have already passed. Either way, it’s time to wade through some of the junk that’s filling up your life and clear it TF out. 

Libra

The sun is making an intense move into your zone of finances on Tuesday, which for you, Libra, means it’s time to stop buying more pairs of underwear because you’re too lazy to do laundry. In fact, it’s probably a good idea to go through all the stuff you do have and see what you can purge. Bring the clothes you’ve stopped wearing, or haven’t even ripped the tags off yet to a Plato’s Closet or throw them up on Poshmark. You can totally turn this around to a way to make some extra money.

Scorpio

It’s Scorpio szn, you Scorpion betch. Your life is kind of crazy right now, but you’re totally in control. It’s kind of like the IRL version of when a contestant on Chopped is running around like a maniac, but then actually pulls off something bomb. The Uranus full moon can make everything even more off-kilter than you may have imagined, meaning you may be in for some surprises. Like I said, you’re still in control, so if you’re open to going with the flow, everything will fall to your favor. In other words, if the karaoke bar you’re trying to book for your birthday shut down recently, you might find yourself throwing the event somewhere even better.

Sagittarius

Remember when Spencer Pratt became obsessed with crystals and everyone started liking him and Heidi again? That’s kind of the inspo for your week as Scorpio hones in on your spiritual zone. You’ll start to discover some of your not-so-awesome tendencies that may be holding you back. (Carelessness, superficiality, impatience, anyone?) But, whatever. Don’t be down about some of your lame qualities. You’re super self aware rn and can find a way to work out your issues.

Capricorn

Your social life is dope this week. This is great news for you, because you’ll have lots of fun. Just watch out for other people and their weird energy. If the thirst trap you’re eyeing at happy hour comes over and says something that rubs you the wrong way, don’t immediately write them off. The spark between you two might just be firing off in an unusual way because of the week’s unexpected mood.

Aquarius

Remember when I said Scorpio season makes sh*t intense? Well, this is the stuff you live for, you weird-ass water bearer, so you’re really about to shine for the next four weeks. You have a tendency to be unpredictable, but your curious nature can make things interesting with energies like this. Go ahead and soak up all the attention you’re getting, and try to milk this weird time to be as creative as possible.

Pisces

The sun’s moving into Scorpio and honing in on your travel zone. You may be feeling inspired to quit everything and start your own travel blog, but try to avoid doing anything on a whim. (Especially becoming an influencer. The industry is oversaturated! I’ll save this rant for later.) A long weekend or a close-to-home adventure might be just enough to soothe your—don’t make me say it—wanderlust. There are definitely some dope Instagram opportunities in your near future.

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