Oh Sh*t, It’s Scorpio Season: Weekly Horoscopes October 26-30

Spooky season is coming to an end, but a far more terrifying season is about to begin. It’s time to connect to your inner Scorpio, bitches! This is a time for deep introspection, growth, and rebirth. Sound intense? Yeah, sure, but you don’t become a butterfly without being locked in some dark-ass cocoon for a little while. Which is kind of what we’ve all been doing for the past seven months, if you think about it…

Aries

 

Time to be awed by the power of you. This Scorpio season is all about kicking ass, taking names, and then forgetting those names because you’re so goddamn impressed with yourself. This will be a time of *major* shifts—in your career, your personal life, and how you see the world. And once the transformation is complete, you may not even recognize who you were just one month ago.

Taurus

Mind = blown. This Scorpio season, prepare your mind for some major breakthroughs. Places where you’ve been feeling stuck will suddenly open up, all you needed was a little change in perspective. Lean into all the weird sh*t you do that makes you you. Turns out they’re actually your superpower.

Gemini

With a whole bunch of work in your rearview mirror, Scorpio season is all about a long and restful pause for you, Gemini. Now is the time to reflect on all the work you’ve done and challenge yourself to—gasp—be still. Sometimes your wheels can be turning, but you’re not actually getting anywhere. Use this introspective time to rest, relax, and do all the self care sh*t you were making fun of on Twitter like, two weeks ago.

Cancer

What did you learn on your summer vacation, Cancer? With the Sun in Scorpio, now is the perfect time to really dig in to what you’ve learned in the absolutely insane year that was 2020. Are you more powerful than you thought? More capable? Chances are you’ve surprised yourself over and over again this year. Take stock of that and and don’t forget to fill your Sephora cart as a reward for all your hard work.

Leo

We usually don’t need to tell a Leo to appreciate themselves, but how deep does that appreciation really go? Now is the time to take stock of what *truly* sets you apart, beyond your adorable fall wardrobe, or your knack for meme-making. Chances are you’ve been getting caught up in the superficial (aka Instagram) and not taking enough time to appreciate the real sh*t that actually makes you special. You know, like the fact that you can answer a friend’s “help me I’m anxiety spiraling” text in five seconds flat, and never judge someone when they nip slip on story.

Virgo

Scorpio season is shining a light on your daily routines and asking you to either double-down, rethink, or revise. If you’ve found a schedule that works for you, great! Stick to it and don’t let anyone tell you you’re doing it the “wrong” way (there literally is no wrong way). But if you’re waking up at 6am every morning just to sit around and be sad that you’re waking up at 6am every morning? Maybe set the alarm for 7 and cut yourself a little slack. (Okay, who are we kidding… 8:45.)

Libra

Your sign is known for wanting to smooth over conflict as soon as it arises, but this month it’s time to take a step back. There is such thing as coming on too strong, and sometimes the best way to deal with a testy situation is to give it a little room to breathe. You can be as calm and collected as you want and have as many stats as you want, but at a certain point you just have to accept that nothing is gonna convince Aunt Karen that wearing a mask doesn’t cause you to “breathe the COVID back in.” Block her number and give yourself some peace.

Scorpio

Hello Scorpio! Welcome to your season, bitch! Finally, the rest of the world is ready to take a walk on the wild side and you are leading the parade. This month is all about not holding back and finally unearthing all the dark, shady shit you keep buried the other 11 months out of the year. Now is your time to speak your truth, let your freak flag fly, and finally tell your sort-of ex what you really think of him. If you don’t end the month blocked by at least one person, you did it wrong.

Sagittarius

“Ch-ch-ch-changes” – You all month. This month you’re going to be receiving some serious wisdom that could change everything about how you see the world. Keep an open mind, and resist the urge to shut down ideas that challenge your status quo. Wisdom can come from anywhere—except one of those QAnon Facebook groups. Those people are psycho.

Capricorn

Yes, spooky season is coming to a close, but that doesn’t mean you need to disconnect from your coven. This month is all about spending time with your crew, and really figuring out who is part of your inner circle. You know, the ones who would meet you in the woulds at midnight and cast a spell to invoke the power of Manon so you all achieve your wildest dreams (sometimes with dire consequences.) You know, normal friendship stuff.

Aquarius

You know that sh*t from your past that you keep meaning to work through in therapy? Now is the time. This month is all about confronting demons and moving past them. The inherited trauma stops here. The bullshit lies you’ve been telling yourself since middle school stop here. You’re not Josie Grossy anymore, bitch! You’re a goddamn journalist!

Pisces

Your mission this month: resist the urge to compare. The only person you’re running a race against is yourself, and—say it with me now!—Instagram is not real life. Goals get a little off track this year? Uh yeah… you and everybody else. Cut yourself some slack, celebrate what you actually have accomplished, and maybe take notifications off your phone for a little while.

I’m A Mouse, Duh: Weekend Horoscopes For October 26-28

The sun sextiles Saturn this weekend, which is, unfortunately, putting a big fat emphasis on all the responsibilities you’ve been blowing off while figuring out your Halloween plans. Get as much done as possible on Saturday before heading out, so your hangxiety isn’t off the charts on Sunday morning. Trust me, when the moon enters Cancer on Sunday night, you’ll want to take advantage of that sentimental homebody energy by laying on the couch and watching Halloweentown, instead of curling up in the fetal position reading all of the horrifying drunk texts you sent the night before.

Aries

Halloween celebrations are usually the perfect time for you to show off your confidence, Aries, but for some reason, you’re feeling a little low this year. Don’t waste time doubting yourself. Besides, the sketchy website you bought your kind-of-risky costume from doesn’t do refunds, so there’s really no turning back now. I mean, everyone knows you look good, so maybe don’t fish for too many compliments. 

Taurus

Are you part of a group or couple Halloween costume this year? If for some reason, you’re feeling like you’re stuck with the sh*t end of the stick, it’s time to come out of your comfort zone and tell everyone what you really think. Everyone knows Gretchen is the least exciting Plastics costume, so if there’s still time for you to make the case for why you should be a Regina, you should totally let everyone know.

Gemini

Don’t be surprised if you wake up to a few texts from unknown numbers on Sunday asking what time you want to meet for brunch. You’re about to be that girl in the bathroom complimenting a stranger’s costume makeup that you recognize from a James Charles tutorial. Making new friends is fine, I guess, but remember to follow through on your promises if you plan on actually keeping your new crew around.

Cancer

Scorpio season is a really creative time for you, so take full advantage and make this Halloweekend your b*tch. Whether you’re pulling off the most unique costume or pulling in triple-digit likes with a hilarious Instagram caption, this weekend’s looking like a full send for you.

Leo

Your mind is kind of in a weird place this weekend, Leo. You’ll find it difficult to really give anyone your full attention. So when someone’s explaining their super-niche costume or the rules of an unnecessarily complicated drinking game, try to at least look like you’re listening. Luckily, this is a good weekend for people to be too distracted to really be offended by that type of thing.

Virgo

This weekend, please remember that when Bad Bunny rapped “I spend in the club, what you have in the bank,” he was throwing down a verse on a Cardi B song and not actually trying to give anyone financial advice. It may seem obvious, but when you check your bank account on Sunday morning, you’re probably going to wonder who the f*ck inspired you to act so bougie.

Libra

Don’t be surprised if you finish this weekend with a search history filled with Whole 30 recipes and questions about the Keto diet. If you’ve been treating your body like sh*t recently, you’ll really start to feel it soon. I mean, it’s going to be 0% fun to start a new lifestyle before you properly celebrate Halloween, so maybe just treat this weekend like your last hurrah for a while?

Scorpio

Wear a comfortable shoe this weekend, because you’re about to spend the next few days jumping to conclusions. You’re basically a walking billboard for all of the reasons people refuse to date Scorpios. Sorry, but it’s true. Your birthday month is the perfect time to make everything about you, but in a “we’re going to dinner Friday, drinks Saturday and brunch Sunday,” kind of way. Not a Blac Chyna “ARE YOU STILL TEXTIN’ B*TCHES?” way. Feel me?

Sagittarius

You know when people say that they’re just having sooo much fun dating at the moment, but nobody believes them because dating is the worst? Well like, that’s actually you right now. You’re actually having a really fun time casually hanging out without the stress of what the future holds. That obviously will make for an amazing Halloweekend. Maybe you’ll end up with a story about a really great hookup you’ll have while dressed as like, Ruther Bader Ginsburg.

Capricorn

You are serving major HBIC vibes all weekend. On Friday and Saturday, you’ll take the reigns of the group chat, decide on a pregame spot, and find the perfect bar. Just like, try not to shout orders. On Sunday, you’ll probably feel like you still have a lot of sh*t to catch up on, which maybe you should have spent some time on earlier in the weekend before exerting all of your energy bossing around your friends.

Aquarius

You’ve kind of been a ball of stress for a while now, and you’re itching to get into a little trouble to temporarily stop the worrying about whatever has you feeling tense. You’re most likely just blowing things out of proportion, but if you really need an excuse to take a million fake blood jello shots this weekend, just screenshot this and save it as your golden ticket to the blackout factory.

Pisces

This weekend is going to have to be a bit about compromising. Did you promise your roommate you’d go to brunch with her, even though you’re really broke and would rather stay in and binge the new season of Making a Murderer? Maybe just do it, enjoy some bottomless bellinis, and try to cut back on your seasonal coffee orders in the upcoming week.

Images: Aral Tasher/Unsplash; Giphy (6)