The election is upon us, Mercury is retrograde, Mars is in Aries, and nobody knows what the f*ck is going on. The only thing we can do is look to the stars and hope things shake out okay. Or even just like, slightly better than they’ve been. Is that so much to ask, Universe? Read on for what the stars have planned for you this week. Maybe grab your wine before diving in.

Aries

Don’t jump to conclusions, Aries! You’ll be spending this election week doing your best to stay out of the prediction game, no matter how many polls you end up frantically Googling at 1am. Once the ballots start being counted, there’s not much else you can do except sit back and watch the results come in (which may take all week). Unless things go full Mad Max, in which case… you’ve been training your whole life for this. 

Taurus 

Your iconic chill will be put to the test this week, Taurus, but luckily there’s a way to kill two birds with one stone. You can both limit the spread of coronavirus *and* help alleviate some of your election anxiety by staying the f*ck home! That’s right, you’ll feel your best keeping things domestic this week (aka where all your wine and candles are), which is great because that’s what you should be doing anyway. Good for you! 

Gemini

You may have been obsessively re-tweeting, re-blogging, and re-posting every single piece of election news you can find this week, but starting on Election Day, you need to go full social media shutdown. Believe me, your friends will find out who won the election from somewhere other than your TikTok, and the overflow of information is actually not helpful. Why not take a back seat and go back to posting about dogs for a few days? 

Cancer 

Planning to just stay in your house from now until the next president is inaugurated? Not a bad idea, Cancer. Right now you are 100% set on keeping it cozy, which is great because that’s about one of the only things you can control right now. Crank the heat up, fluff the pillows, and get working on your perfect anxiety-reducing tea recipe. You’re probably going to need it.

Leo

Is what you’re sharing helpful or hurtful? This is a good question to ask over the next few days, as all our feeds will be flooded with tons of info, some of which may be more reliable than others. (Note: just because someone with a blue check tweeted it doesn’t make it true.) This week, be mindful of the stuff you put out on your feed since your fire sign can be more than a little susceptible to inflammatory content. For more info on that, please watch The Social Dilemma. 

Virgo

All of us will be susceptible to some election-induced panic buying this week, Virgo, but you need to be particularly careful. Yeah, things might be stressful, but that doesn’t mean you need to drop a grand right now on state-of-the art go bag in case you need to move to the woods. We’re not quite there yet. Buy yourself a slightly-more-expensive-than-necessary candle and leave it at that. 

Libra 

Trying to be the mediator between yourself, your family who voted for , and your family who are still saying they won’t vote at all is enough to send even the most diplomatic of signs (which you are) into hysterics. Time to bow out. You’re not going to be the one who will convince your cousin that both candidates aren’t the same, and you’re def not going to be the one who convinces your great aunt that all Democrats are not Satan worshipping pedophiles, so why not make some last minute calls to *real* undecided voters and spend the rest of your energy choosing your election night drink menu?

Scorpio 

This election night might have you thinking back to last election night, which we’re gonna guess probably looked *pretty* different than what you’re facing now. With all the election talk in the air, don’t be surprised if you are flooded with memories from the last four years—the good, the bad, and the ugly drunk crying. Let the waves of emotion come without judgement. At least this time around you’ll be home with a bottle of wine. 

Sagittarius 

You might find some surprising connections pop up in the next few days (with a voter in a swing state, perhaps?), and you don’t want to take it for granted. *Commercial voice* In these unprecedented times, somehow making a new friend is like winning the lottery, especially because you might need a new person to vent to in the coming days. Okay, let’s face it, months. 

Capricorn

The election hasn’t happened yet but you’re already thinking, “what’s next?” Same, Capricorn, same. All this focus on the future of the country may have you feeling re-focused on the future of you, which is a lot easier for you to control and not run by an archaic system of electors invented by a bunch of white dudes 200 years ago. In fact, the only person you have to convince to win the popular vote is you. Okay, and maybe your group chat. 

Aquarius

Is this the dawning of the age of Aquarius or… something way less fun? This week, your forward-thinking rebellious sign may be overwhelmed with the what-ifs. Find ways to focus on the present moment, even if that means turning off the news for a little while. We promise it’ll still be there for you when you return. It kind of never stops. 

Pisces 

Feeling all the feelings is an understatement for you, this week, Pisces. In fact, you might even be feeling some new feelings that were invented for just this situation. Breathe. Allow yourself some quiet alone time if you start to feel overwhelmed, and if you wanna cry, let it out. Okay, who are we kidding—you’re definitely gonna cry at some point.

Images: Philip Goldsberry / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Amazing news, everyone. You’ve (almost) survived another Mercury retrograde. Or maybe you didn’t. But either way, Mercury is out of retrograde this Wednesday, meaning it is officially time to assess the damage. Say some sh*t that came out harsher than you intended? (Yes.) Misinterpret a text and fly off the handle over nothing? (Always.) Get mad at your roommate for breathing weird in the common spaces? (Do you even need to ask?) This is the week to make amends. Until the next time Mercury goes into retrograde and wrecks your life, that is.

Aries

Cuffing season is in high gear, Aries, and it’s time to figure out whose dried-out face you’re going to be staring at all winter. You’re on the hunt for the person who will share your bed through the long, cold nights and won’t shame you for not shaving your legs between Christmas and Easter. If you already have that special someone in your life, take time to do a check in and make sure things haven’t gotten stale. You’re going to be spending a lot more time together now that the temperature has dropped below 50 degrees.

Taurus

Take a look at your partnerships: romantic, platonic, and professional. Are they in a rut? Are things going unsaid? Now that Mercury is out of retrograde you have the perfect opportunity to clear up any lingering misunderstandings and get back to dynamic duo mode. Or, in the case of your coworkers, “adult professionals who enjoy each other’s company from 9am to 5pm” mode.

Gemini

Did you get your old Adderall prescription back? Because you’re focused as f*ck this week, Gemini. Use this energy to bring an important task across the finish line, whether it be redecorating your apartment, something to do with work, or finally finishing that novel. This week you’ll magically find the focus and motivation to finish whatever you set your mind to, so choose a task and start accomplishing things.

Cancer

When was the last time you assessed your romantic situation, Cancer? Every second of every day? Cool. Same. Now that Mercury is done being a little bitch, it’s time to make sure that any pent-up resentments that have built up between you and your partner are released for good. Single Cancers should be aware that they’re going to attract whatever they put out this week, so make sure you’re giving off “stable professional with a savings account” over “35-year-old with 17 roommates whose never had an STD check.”

Leo

Bust out the coasters your aunt sent you three birthdays ago, because you’re in the mood to entertain, Leo! The end of Mercury retrograde means you’re ready to jazz up chez Leo, and what better way to do that than a little dinner party? Whether it be a full blown friendsgiving, or just sharing a bottle of wine with the girls, find a way to bring the people you love into your space this week. Just remind them to take their f*cking shoes off first.

Virgo

This week you’re embracing your sensuality and letting the world see your sexy self, Virgo. In other words, you’re in the mood to hoe it up, and we mean that in the most feminist way possible. Bust out the thigh high boots, bodysuit, that one bra that makes your boobs look amazing and take yourself for a night on the town. Whether you’re doing it to impress a random stranger (good), a significant other (great), or your own damn self (even better), you will love the confidence (and the thirst traps) that come of it.

Libra

Congratulations, Libra! You’re at the beginning of a seven week motivation explosion. Whether you want to use your newfound ability to get sh*t done to finish up some lingering 2019 goals, or get a jump on 2020, this week is the start of a whole new you. And yes, this does count as a reason to celebrate by buying yourself one of the premium cocktails at happy hour.

Scorpio

Your season is coming to a close and it’s time to go out with a bang. Luckily, going out with a bang is kind of Scorpio’s thing. Stop chilling on the couch and get out into the world and no, the fact that it is dark at 5pm is not a reason to stay indoors. Take advantage of all the shady shenanigans you can now, while “it’s my birthday month!” still works as an excuse.

Sagittarius

You’re in the mood to keep it low-key this week, so set your phone to Do Not Disturb and get cozy. Will you use your alone time to actually finish a book this year? Or maybe you’ll tackle that 5+ hour Crock Pot recipe you’ve been meaning to try. Or maybe you’ll just veg out on the couch and binge-watch Netflix and put things in your cart that you have no intention to buy. The world is your oyster!

Capricorn

Great news, Capricorn! You’re in the middle of a lucky streak, both professionally and personally. Everything you touch turns to gold, and every selfie you take is magically fire. It’s just one of those weeks. The only thing you need to decide now is where you want to focus these magical powers. And try not to let it get to your head (too much).

Aquarius

It’s time to earn that holiday bonus, Aquarius. The year is coming to a close, but this week you have exactly enough energy to end it on a high note. For the next month, focus your attention on advancing in your career, and you could be starting 2020 with a whole new job title. PRO TIP: Holiday parties with an open bar totally count as networking opportunities.

Pisces

What do you want to accomplish by the end of the 2010s? This is the week to map that out and put it into action, Pisces. The end of Mercury retrograde has given you newfound clarity about wtf is going on in your life, and where you want it to go. Before holiday travel plans take over, set aside some time to write down your 2020 vision. That way you won’t find yourself scribbling your resolutions on the back of a napkin between layovers.

Images: Giphy (12)

The forecast next week calls for a low UNDER 20 degrees, so like, I officially think we all need to collectively be on winter vacation. How am I supposed to get work done in the frigid environment that is my office? How am I to function when it’s dark at 4pm? Where is my will to live? I mean, if you’re going to tell me that drinking at work is frowned upon, what do I have left? Help a sister out, here.

Thanks to Mercury f*cking our sh*t up and being in retrograde until November 20th, I assume most of us had an emotional rollercoaster of a week. Will the planets and stars continue to ruin our lives and make us feel way too many feelings?! Find out in your weekend horoscopes.

Scorpio

Everything is so damn inspiring, Scorpio. Seriously, everything from leaves falling off trees to the way your meal for one is spinning in the microwave has you wanting to create art and sh*t. However, Mars is messing with Pluto and making you more likely to get easily frustrated and/or blow up at someone, so maybe it’s best if you channel your inner Vincent Van Gogh and be a bit of a loner for the weekend.

Sagittarius

You’re feeling delighted by everything, Sagittarius, and the cosmos want you to share it with like, everyone. The moon is pushing you to try something new, so maybe Saturday is the perfect time to head to that nude model art class. You may even be mature enough to sketch a penis without giggling!

Capricorn

Head into the great outdoors this weekend, Capricorn. The planets are preaching self-care, and the quiet of nature could be the perfect way to calm your back-and-forth feelings. If it isn’t going to be cold as f*ck on Sunday, plan to sit outside with your PSL and stare at people. Write in a journal so people think you’re deep, too.

Aquarius

Get out of town, Aquarius. A change of pace is the best thing for you, so Saturday morning, make a plan to drive two to three hours out of the city and do something autumnal and adorable. The weekend is ideal for learning, so lean in to exploring stuff.

Pisces

Time to stare down the barrel of your finances, Pisces. You’ve been avoiding it, but it’s time to get one of those fancy apps that yells at you for the amount of money you spend on dining out and ordering Pizza Hut every other day. It’s also a great weekend to do a sit-and-think about your current career. Are you happy? Is it time to update your resume? Time to have an adult conversation with yourself.

Aries

Tis the weekend for romance, Aries. That’s shocking, ’cause you’re usually a sassy pain in the ass, but, apparently, Mars wants you to be happy Friday and Saturday, so it’s a great time to head out and try to meet people. You’ll also feel a strong desire to be active af on Sunday, so go for a jog then tell all your friends about what an amazing picture of health you really are.

Taurus

Your intuition is on f*cking point this weekend, Taurus, so listen to your gut. Friday, Venus is creating a sexy hot energy all around you, so head on out and use it to your advantage. Need a fling? A partner for cuffing season? A free drink? Whatever—you do you.

Gemini

Plan for a good f*cking time this weekend, Gemini. Call up your posse and schedule some basic activities like brunch, apple picking, or throwing pumpkin beers in the trash. You’re gonna be feeling extra intuitive, so it’s a good time to check in with your friends and see how each of them are doing while offering your sage wisdom about everything from dating to which Taco Bell menu items are least likely to give you gas.

Cancer

Get ready for some drama in the home and family department this weekend, Cancer. Mars is stirring sh*t up (typical), so try to keep in mind that tensions may be running high and you can stay out of it if you want. Focus on yourself with a trip to the spa or a much needed cut and color with your go-to salon stylist.

Leo

You won’t be able to sit still this weekend, Leo, so get ready to seize Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and make the most of them. Romance and adventure are both on the docket for Saturday, so don’t be surprised if that hike you decided to go on in the spur of the moment leads to a rom-com-level meeting with a laid-back, cool, hot, single guy who seems too good to be true. That probably won’t happen, but we can hope.

Virgo

Mercury is pushing your communication buttons, Virgo. You’re feeling smart af, so put that intellect to good use by actually reading a book this weekend or learning how to do your taxes. You could also get really drunk and discuss climate change with your besties if that’s your vibe.

Libra

Distress and discomfort are the name of the game this weekend, Libra. On Saturday you’re going to feel pulled between wanting to perform some much needed self-care and taking care of those around you. The good news is that if you’re careful, you can do both. Take time to comfort friends and family with their everyday bullsh*t, then head into the spa for some necessary you time. Come Monday, you’ll feel accomplished af.

Images: Giphy (12)

There’s nothing more exhilarating than planning a summer getaway. That is, unless you’re a nomadic Sagittarius or Sagittarius rising who literally spends their entire life looking for reasons to travel, so planning a trip is just another day in the life. Otherwise, looking for the ideal summer destination with the most Instagrammable photo opps is always a thrilling experience. But choosing where to go is the hardest part (aside from actually paying for it, of course). And with summer almost over—I’m not crying, you’re crying—it’s safe to say we all need a getaway, and quick! Here’s where you should go on summer vacation, based on your zodiac sign.

Aries: Asheville, North Carolina

I know what you’re thinking, Aries. “WTF am I going to do in North Carolina, let alone North Carolina in the summertime?” Here’s the deal, firecracker betch: With the sun traveling through your domestic fourth house of home and family during Cancer season, and your fifth house of romance during Leo season, your soul needs one thing and one thing only this summer: a cozy vibe. Asheville, with its vibrant arts scene and amazing food, is just that.

Taurus: A Caribbean Cruise

All aboard, betch. I know you only travel first class, but with the sun blazing through your mobile third house of transportation during Cancer season, and cozy fourth house of home during Leo season, I believe your ideal summer vacay consists of lavish comfort, (obvi) and more than one destination. This is precisely why I suggest a paradise adventure through the Caribbean seas as your best bet.

Gemini: The Bahamas

You’re feeing bougie this season, betch. You’re typically not very picky when you’re traveling, but seasons change, and obviously so does your mind. With the sun igniting your comfort-seeking second house of luxury during Cancer season, and your mobile third house of rulership during Leo season, you’re in need of something totally luxe, as long as there’s plenty of variety, of course. So my suggestion is, book yourself a snazzy suite at your fave Bahamian all-inclusive resort. The champagne will be chilled.

Cancer: Rome, Italy

When in Rome. This is your birthday season after all, right? Celebrating all month long is a must, especially since your birthday just so happened to coincide with this crazy eclipse season. Hang on to that excuse while you can. Plus, with the sun blazing through your indulgent second house of money towards the end of the summer, you’ll likely be in the mood to shop ’til you drop. Although, let’s be honest, when are you not? Splurging is your favorite pastime, and Italy will look so good on you.

Leo: The Grand Canyon

Happy Birthday, Leo. Where are you off to next? OK, so maybe summer did kick off on a weird note, but hey, at least you made it this far, right? So here’s my idea, Leo. Since the sun was traveling through your secretive 12th house of all things behind the scenes during Cancer season, and first house of “Look at me!” during your birthday season, I suggest the Grand Canyon. Why? Well, this is a perfect opportunity for reflecting and sight-seeing, and if you wake up in the mood to party, Las Vegas isn’t too far away.

Virgo: Rural Ireland

You’re feeling some type of way this season. Before you decide to take off with a group of friends for the summertime, make sure you keep your options open. With the sun igniting your 11th house of groups during Cancer season, and your secretive 12th house during Leo season, I suggest somewhere that’s both quaint and quiet… like the Irish countryside, for instance. Granted, this might very well cost you a pretty penny, but you know, that I know, that you know all the pictures will be worth it.

Libra: Curacao

You’re on top of the world, Libra. Although, I’m not going to lie to you, the sun is totally igniting your career-driven tenth house during Cancer season, so some of you might shift all of your energy towards your career this summer, but it’s time you stop overworking yourself and take a vacation. Curacao’s sizzling Caribbean nightlife is colorful, lively, and just the right amount of distraction you need to get over your toxic ex-boyfriend. Get the f*ck out of here, Libra. Your summer bae awaits!

Scorpio: Amsterdam

Admit it, betch: Amsterdam is on your bucket list, so it wouldn’t surprise me if you’ve already been there, but summer 2019 is enough reason to pay the Red Light District another visit, right Scorpio? With the sun wandering through foreign ninth house of travel during Cancer season and dominant tenth house of leadership during Leo season, you’re likely feeling large and in charge this summer. So what are you waiting for?

Sagittarius: Catalina Island

Sail away, Sagittarius. I sound like a broken record, but this eclipse season really got us, didn’t it? Anyway, with the sun shedding light on your auspicious eighth house of intimacy during Cancer season and expansive ninth house of long-distance journeys during Leo season, this summer will be nothing short of enlightening. So whether you’re in the mood to take a literal hike or go snorkeling on the beach, this quaint coastal town has your name on it.

Capricorn: Paris, France

Bon voyage! This summer will be nothing short of irresistibly steamy, so make sure to take advantage of this time and head to the most romantic city in the world. With the sun hovering over your committed seventh house of partnerships all throughout Cancer season and your sexy eighth house during Leo season, you’ll be in the mood for a romantic evening beneath the Eiffel Tower, or perhaps a night aboard Batofar. Oui, oui, betch. ‘Tis the season.

Aquarius: Miami, Florida

Your mind is at 100 mph this summer, Aquarius. Take a breather. With the sun igniting your orderly sixth house of due diligence during Cancer season and committed seventh house of partnerships during Leo season, you’ll be in the mood for the perfect getaway. Alexa, play “Miami” by Will Smith. There’s no denying this culturally rich hotspot is everything you need this season, so pack your bags. Don’t worry, betch. It’s Miami… you don’t need to pack that many clothes.

Pisces: Mykonos Island, Greece

This is how you throw a party in Mykonos, betch. No, really… wouldn’t that be the best Instagram caption ever? OK, now I sound like an obnoxious influencer. Nevertheless, with the sun beaming through your expressive fifth house of romance during Cancer season and detail-loving sixth house of order during Leo season, Greece is the perfect itinerary-friendly getaway, so get ready to party.

Images: Leighton Smith, John Jackson, Jad Limcaco, Javier M, Anthony Delanoix, Ryan Spencer, Russ Widger / Unsplash; Shutterstock

Alexa, play “Summer” by Calvin Harris! 

Falling in love in the summertime is inevitable, betch. Whether you suddenly find yourself crushing on a sexy coworker at happy hour, or you decide to take off on a summer getaway where you can unapologetically pull a Vicky Cristina Barcelona, rest assured, the heat is totally on. This, of course, could seem somewhat contradictory, from an astrological standpoint, considering the summer solstice is also the first day of Cancer season. (No offense, Cancer… but you know your astrological season tends to be a bit on the crybaby side…) But in the end, it’s those same overwhelming feels that flood our emotional psyche every year around the same time. Although, if you think Cancer season feels emotionally over-the-top, I suggest you mentally prepare yourself for Leo’s flamboyant theatrics. I truly can’t emphasize it enough, the summer is a panty-dropper season, and if you still don’t believe me, just wait until you get a glimpse of Leo season, because it’s going to be a cinematic experience.

Maybe I’m being cliche here, but the summertime feels like one big supercut from the 1978 romantic comedy Grease. Here’s how I see it: The first half, Cancer season, is a combination of the opening makeout scene on the beach, with a clip of Olivia Newton John’s “hopelessly devoted to you.” It’s sweet, it’s nostalgic, and let’s face it, it’s beyond sappy. Leo season, on the other hand, feels emotionally similar, but has a totally different vibe. This is everything from Danny Zuko’s melodrama in the midst of being stranded at the Drive-In, along with Sandy’s epic, “Tell me about it, stud,” before she and Danny fly away in a Ford De Luxe convertible, that’s been “Greased Lightning.” What can I say? Life imitates art. Real talk, though, who doesn’t fantasize about the ultimate summer fling? If you think I’m exaggerating, then why is it that musicians specifically wait until the summer to gift us with some of the most memorable hits of all time? #JustSaying

Looking for love this summer? See the type of guy you should have a summer fling, according to your zodiac sign below:

Aries

Admit it, betch. You love a man who takes action. You don’t like wasting time, and you get bored easily, too. So someone who’s just as hot-headed, passionate, and thrill-seeking would be your ideal scenario this summer. A hottie in the streets, and a savage in the sheets? Yes, please. Oh, and a little adrenaline-filled argument sesh every now and then doesn’t hurt—provided the makeup after is equally steamy.

Taurus

You want the royal treatment, Taurus. Aside from the fact that you’re one possessive betch, you want a man that will wine, dine, and devour you. Nothing more and nothing less. Just make sure to let him know you’re looking for more than just a summer fling.

Gemini

No strings attached, right? Don’t get me wrong, Gemini. It’s not that you’re against committed relationships or anything like that. On the contrary, you’re very much committed to flirting your little heart out, which is why your ultimate summer romance consists of something light, sexy, and mentally stimulating.

Cancer

Cry me a river, betch. You more than likely have that summertime sadness thing going, like fellow Cancer songstress Lana Del Rey. That is, if you’re not driving yourself mad dreading the thought of your fairytale coming to an end, sooner or later, of course. You don’t do flings, Cancer. You want it all or nothing at all, so don’t bother trying to make yourself believe otherwise.

Leo

You want someone who straight-up worships you, betch. You’re playful, outgoing, and passionate AF… but you’re also incredibly attention-seeking, too. So your ideal summer fling would have to be someone you can bring around your loved ones during the day, and can have all to yourself at night. As long as it’s all about you, right?

Virgo

You’re one picky betch, Virgo. You’re not as traditional as Capricorn, but you still have a type, and you’re not about to settle for anything less, either. You appreciate the courting, but you’re a sucker for the details. So he better pay close attention to you and go the extra mile. Oh, and it gets hot in the summer, too, so his hygiene better be up to par, or else it’s a no-go.

Libra

Your charm is your money-maker, Libra. Dating isn’t the issue, it’s finding your perfect match that seems to be the challenge. Unfortunately, your indecision doesn’t help either, but finding someone you can ultimately kick back with, and have good conversation with this summer will certainly do. Good looks are also a must-have, but that’s only because you’re spoiled.

Scorpio

Sexual chemistry is always a priority for you. Then again, you’re an extremist, so you’re either in it to win it, or completely uninterested. There’s really no in-between for you, Scorpio. It doesn’t matter whether you meet him in the summer or the fall, the moment you set your eyes on someone, it’s only a matter of time before you make them your sex slave for all eternity.

Sagittarius

Lust and wanderlust are two completely different emotions, Sagittarius. But we all know wanderlust wins by a long shot. All I’m saying is, your ultimate summer fling most likely has TSA pre-check. That’s all. You love the outdoors, and you’re always looking for a reason to travel. So perhaps a fellow sunset chaser and eternal wanderer will do the trick. YOLO.

Capricorn

The more successful, the better—right, Capricorn? I’m not saying you’re a gold digger, but you have to admit the facts. You appreciate a hardworking man, especially those with that C-Suite swag. You’re bound to fall for the hottie working overtime this summer. You love putting in the work, and you expect the same from the people you invest in. Time is money.

Aquarius

Relax, betch. No one said anything about making your relationship official. On the contrary, summer flings are a seasonal thing, so you have nothing to worry about. In fact, who said you can’t have more than one summer romance? I know you’re all about that free love, so don’t be afraid to do exactly that. Just make sure you don’t play any of your sinister mind games in the process.

Pisces

You’re a sultry siren, Pisces. This, of course, is especially true in the summer, as you’re one of the few who thrive during Cancer season. You are a fellow water sign, too, you know. And let’s face it, you’re a hopeless romantic, so you’re not very picky when it comes to choosing the ultimate summer love story. In fact, the more dreamy, emotional, and out-of-this-world, the more you’ll likely fall head over heels. What can I say? You’re unpredictably predictable.

Images: Joyce Marie Cantrell / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

To forgive your ex, or to forget your ex, that is the question. No offense to the soap opera-like water sign family, aka Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces, but I highly doubt forgiving is even an option for you guys. I mean, correct me if I’m wrong here, but y’all are the most vengeful betches in the zodiac, and trust me, I know this for a fact. Why? Well, let’s just say, I, too, am a fellow water sign, permanently lost at sea in my ocean of emotions. OK so maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but I wouldn’t be a water sign if I wasn’t. Needless to say, we’re not very good at forgiving, let alone forgetting. BTW, please don’t be one of those people who live their life preaching the whole, “I forgive but I never forget” crap. News flash: If you don’t forget, you don’t forgive. Period. And let’s be honest, a water sign probably said that, too. But let’s cut to the chase before we go down the rabbit hole. 

Everyone treats their exes differently. For instance, the air signs, AKA Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius, were born with a PhD in emotional detachment, and a minor in IDGAF, so even if their exes were to do them dirty, it’s not like they would even sweat the damn thing. At least not to their face, of course. Also, not to bring it back to the water sign drama, but there are some Libras with Scorpio placements out there, and well… that’s a completely different bad trip. Their idea of forgiveness consists of mental terrorism, and the silent treatment, but again, we’ll save this celestial coma for another occasion. Earth signs, aka Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn, have no problem whatsoever cutting the cord, and it’s because they get straight to the point. Zero f*cks given. So much so, their no-filter shpeal could very well break someone’s heart, especially if they’re a water sign. But what would I know, right?

Long story short, here’s how you treat your ex, according to your zodiac sign:

Aries

Have you watched Dead To Me on Netflix, Aries? No, you do not remind me of Christina Applegate’s character, nor Linda Cardellini’s. TBH, the title of the series speaks for itself, and more importantly, it speaks for you when it comes to your exes. Your ex will likely never hear from you again, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. They really are dead to you.

Taurus

You’re pretty black-and-white, Taurus. But you’re also a sexaholic, and if sex with your ex is a must-have, you’ll make sure to do whatever it takes to keep them around. Some of you might even stay friends on purpose, so you can bribe them with the act whenever necessary. Otherwise, you’ll make sure to stay close to their family members in the meantime. Why are you such a possessive betch?

Gemini

Does your ex even know you’ve exed them out of your life, Gemini? OK, who are we kidding? You have the attention span of a goldfish, and the last thing on your mind is commitment. You can’t commit to relationships, and you can’t commit to not being in one either, which means you’re DTF for the most part. That is, if you’re not onto your next victim, of course. Otherwise, you’ll make sure to mind-f*ck them for as long as you live.

Cancer

I know you told him you’d never let go, but do yourself a favor, Cancer. Seriously, IDK whether to call you out, or send help. Don’t get twisted, betch. You are never ever getting back together, so enough with the #TBT soundtracks, toxic memorabilia, and meaningless “hey, how’s life?” texts. Stalking their Instagram and crying yourself to sleep is so 2012. You’ve got to move on!

Leo

Too busy reminding your exes what’s no longer theirs, Leo? TBH, not staying friends isn’t the issue, nor is it the brutal “I’ve-moved-on” vengeance that typically takes place after every breakup. The issue here is your pride, and whether or not they dumped you. If you got dumped, you’ll make sure to never look their way again. Now, if you dumped them, you’ll likely remain friends, and make sure they never get over you.

Virgo

Ruthless much, Virgo? I mean, I know they’re your ex and all, but you really know how to cut people off for good. Needless to say, there’s really nothing to the relationship you have with your exes. It’s simple: You don’t have a relationship. Also, dwelling the past is not your forte, and you’re too busy living your life anyhow.

Libra

Let me guess, Libra. You’re best friends? TBH, that wouldn’t surprise me, unless there’s drama involved, and well, we all know you don’t do well with any sort of conflict. This is precisely why you’re still canoodling with your exes and avoiding the very large elephant in the room, despite the discomfort it already brings. Then again, you don’t fool me, and you betches always have a backup plan of sorts. And you make it happen with all smiles, too.

Scorpio

F*ck, marry, kill, Scorpio? I mean, I know that’s a silly game and all, but it sort of reminds me of your love life. OK, fine. I’m kidding… or not. Let’s face it, betch: You’re like Catherine Tramell from Basic Instinct. If you’re not dating them, you’re f*cking them, and if you’re not f*cking them, they’re probably locked in a dungeon somewhere, wrapped up in chains. You’re a soul stealer.

Sagittarius

Friends with benefits, Sag? Admit it, betch: You’re friends with every single one of your exes, and you’re totally OK with it, too. You genuinely care for them, and since you totally despised being in a committed relationship with them, you secretly guilt-trip yourself into staying friends, as part of your delusional two-for-one package. What they don’t know is, you’re already hooking up with a sexy foreigner you met during spring break.

Capricorn

I see you, Capricorn. Whoever said Scorpio was the most vengeful sign clearly never experienced the wrath of the mad goat. Where do I begin? You’re into BDSM, but if you get dumped, or decide to break up with someone, you get into Mommy and Daddy mode, and not in a kinky way. IDK how else to put it, but you will literally build an invisible torture chamber, where your exes continuously run into scenarios that remind them how they wronged you. Granted, this sounds like a ballistic obstacle course, but you’ll do anything to set the record straight.

Aquarius

Your poor ex, Aquarius. TBH, I think you acknowledge them more now, then when you were in a relationship. Admit it: You’re worse than your air sign sibling Gemini with the wicked games, and you somehow never give yourself away in the process. Don’t be so cold, betch. Some people have feelings, you know.

Pisces

Boundaries, Pisces. All right, let’s focus. You do realize what your ex did to you, right? Your love life sounds like an episode of Days Of Our Lives, except you wrote the entire script, and now you’re sick of watching, and yet have no idea how to get off this nauseating roller coaster ride. It’s simple. Get over them, and go out with someone else. Stop torturing yourself, betch.

Giphy (12)

No more mental tennis, betches! Audacious Mars, planet of assertion, sex, and the cosmos’ most infamous bachelor, just finished parting ways with the mischievous sign of the twins, where he used his brilliant mind, clever quips, and intellectual agility to get it in. The warrior planet is known for its aggression and impulsiveness, ergo, our passions were expressed via sizzling mind games and red-hot banter. Mental stimulation was our jam during this savvy transit, but all things come to an end. Remember, whichever zodiac sign Mars touches ultimately determines the way we assert ourselves, physically and sexually. This celestial entity is hot-headed and animalistic, so you can already guess what happens when it camps through a hypersensitive water sign like Cancer. Dramarama? Most definitely. But it’s deeper than that, actually. Despite its reputation for being overly emotional, and a tad bit on the needy side, Cancer is a symbol of nurture, as well as our inner world.

Here’s where it can get a little tricky: The archetype of Mars is considered “masculine,” as it determines how we fight, and what we fight for; hence it’s Aries’ planetary ruler and Scorpio’s co-ruler. (Aries and Scorpio didn’t learn how to go to battle on their own, trust me.) Mars epitomizes the astrological element fire, as opposed to Cancer, who can easily cry a whole river. Get the picture? The only thing these two energies have in common is that they’re both cardinal, which means they thrive when taking the initiative. Sexually, this transit can be pretty intimate, and I’ll tell you why. In Cancer, Mars prefers to take action behind closed doors, where it feels secure, emotionally and physically. Also, vulnerability and transparency are a must-have during this time, so don’t even bother playing the cool girl card. Mars in Cancer expresses itself via cuddles, emotional bonding, and the crab’s personal favorite…cooking homemade meals!

Are you ready to take your sex life to the next level, betch? Here’s what Mars in Cancer means for your zodiac sign, featuring fellow Cancer Selena Gomez.

Aries

Don’t even think about having sex with your ex, betch! With aggressive Mars attempting to swim through your domestic fourth house of home, family, and memorabilia, you’ll likely be feeling a bit more introverted than usual during this time. Cancer just so happens to govern this area of your chart, and with your rambunctious planetary ruler Mars in the mix, let’s just say, you’ll be in your feels. Nostalgia is inevitable, so make sure to not fall for your toxic ex-hookup’s thirst trap.

Taurus

Use your words, Taurus. Mars is heating up your expressive third house of communication, siblings, and immediate network, and while you might seem a bit on edge, you’re also craving deeply emotional convos and exchanges. This area of your chart also rules your social media sector, so feel free to post that sultry selfie, especially those of you waiting for that special someone to slide into your DMs. Whatever you do, make sure you follow your intuition in the process.

Gemini

Indulge in the pleasures of life, betch. With sizzling Mars glamping through your comfort-seeking second house of finances, spending habits, and values, you’re looking for something (or someone) to emotionally invest in. This, of course, could always turn out to be a lavish spa membership, or perhaps an expensive perfume, with both an alluring and nostalgic scent, but to each their own. All I know is you’ll have no problem fueling your desires during this time, so go and get what’s yours.

Cancer

You like being on top? I know it’s not easy being a water sign, but with dynamic Mars turning up via your sign until July 1, you’re a force to be reckoned with… and you’re feeling yourself, too! Confidence is an understatement and, well, there’s really no getting in your way during this time. Although, in the midst of this sizzling pick-me-up, make sure you don’t let it get to your head. Nothing wrong with being assertive, but you don’t want to come off as overly aggressive and scare off potential prospects in the process.

Leo

Who are you fantasizing about, betch? With oversexed Mars flying high on a magic carpet ride via your secretive 12th house of dreams and all things behind-the-scenes, you’re craving something that feels out-of-this-world. Although, given the mysterious and mystical influence of the 12th house, some of you might also run into a secret rendezvous of sorts during this time. One thing’s for sure: you will feel the rush and emotional thrill of keeping a secret. Oh, and in the meantime, stay tuned for some freaky sex dreams, because they always come with this transit.

Virgo

Crushing on your coworker again, betch? With assertive Mars igniting your 11th house of groups, tribe, and extended network, you’ll be looking for a friend you can count on, and perhaps make out with in the process. Overprotective much? I know how much you love playing the Ms. Fix It card, but try not to go overboard playing Mommy, Virgo. Your turn-ons might be hard to resist, but is it worth putting your friendships and professional relationships, at risk? Not that I need to tell you this, but focus on your goals, and keep it in your pants.

Libra

Spotlight’s on you, betch. Oh, please. Don’t pretend you don’t love being in control. Do yourself a favor and stop trying to play the “balanced” mediator role. Mars is heating up your ambitious tenth house of career, reputation, and public persona, and this is your moment of stardom, so you better get it together. Meaning: no f*ckboys allowed—unless they hold the key to your success, of course. Oh, and the whole world will catch a glimpse of your sex appeal during this time, so slay.

Scorpio

Take a walk on the wild side, betch. Aggressive Mars is in the mile-high club via your expansive ninth house of knowledge, travel, and personal philosophy, and you’re as spontaneous as ever. In the mood to take risks? Here’s the deal, Scorpio: you’ll be feeling like a rebellious wanderer during this sizzling transit, so go ahead and take that leap of faith. I don’t doubt that you’ll come across an exotic admirer in the process, so keep your eyes peeled. Are you ready to get your adventure on?

Sagittarius

Don’t let those sultry desires get the best of you, betch! With fiery Mars activating your eighth house of sex, transformation, and shared resources, you’ll be an ocean of emotion, and there will be no getting in the way of your smoldering desires. Craving attention? Your sex appeal will be pretty strong during this time, so feel free to use it wisely. Oh, and make sure you put those laser-beam eyes away, unless you’re having eye sex, obvi.

Capricorn

You’re on fire, Capricorn. With the planet of desire, sex, and assertion igniting your seventh house of relationships and partnerships, you’re craving some action-packed one-on-one experiences, and you’ll stop at nothing to get your way. Also, I know bickering is more of a Mars in Gemini thing, but you’ll be craving some serious back-and-forth mind games during this time. Take it easy, though. You’ll likely be wearing your emotions on your sleeve.

Aquarius

Wake up. Grind. Repeat. Fiery Mars is igniting your sixth house of health and due diligence, and you’re as resourceful as ever. Although, in the midst of this high-energy kick, you’ll likely be in the mood for something a little more physical…and I don’t mean pilates! This area of your chart governs everything related to your day-to-day routine, which means you could do it any time, anywhere…if that makes sense. Make sure to set your out of office reply if you need to mysteriously disappear in the middle of the day.

Pisces

You’re someone’s muse, betch. Sizzling Mars is dancing through your flamboyant fifth house of creativity, passion, and romance, and you’re tapping into your repressed Hollywood starlet. Your emotions will be stirring with intensity, and rest assured you’ll be looking for a creative outlet and perhaps a toy to play with in the process. That is, of course, if it doesn’t find you first. Also, do yourself a favor, and stop taking yourself so seriously. The night is young, and so is Mars.