New Study Finds You Literally Can’t Help It That You’re So Popular

You know that feeling you get that you’re better than everyone else? Well, you’re actually right about that. It turns out the ability to social climb is embedded into your genes. So you literally can’t help it that you’re so popular. Sorry for letting you fall, Gretchen. You were right all along.  A new study by Kings College in London found that your genes actually determine 50% of whether or not you will be socially mobile. The other half is basically determined by being rich which like, yeah duh we knew that already. According to the study, children who were born with the popularity genes tended to score better on all of their tests, regardless of how educated or wealthy their parents were.

This probably explains why even when we don’t want to do work, we still succeed at everything we do. Think Elle Woods in Legally Blonde just casually taking her LSATs and getting into Harvard. 

This study was the first to find substantial proof of “genetic influence on children’s social mobility” aka, what we’ve known all along, that some people are just born popular. Using a sample of 6,000 twin families (it’s always twins, isn’t it?), researchers measured whether or not children were able to measure up to the education status of their parents. So like, if your kid scores high on their tests even though you didn’t go to college and just run like an Etsy shop or whatever, that child is upwardly mobile. If you’re rich AF and went to an Ivy but your kid failed their tests, then your kid doesn’t have the popularity gene and isn’t upwardly mobile. Honestly, this test seems kind of mean, which I guess is perfect for popular people. 

Unfortunately, this also means some people are just born to fail, which explains the trust fund bro we dated who had everything handed to him yet still ended up arrested for selling oregano to a police officer. Even when their parents were already educated and successful, the kid could still end up becoming a DJ or street magician so like, thank god we were born with the right genes. Can’t help that things come so easy for us!

There’s A Scientific Reason You’re Such A Bitch During The Summer

If you’re looking for the perfect excuse to get out of doing shit for other people this summer, we’ve got just the thing for you. There’s a new study in the European Journal of Social Psychology that says people in uncomfortably hot environments are much less likely to help others. Basically, summer is making you a bitch.

We’ve always loved complaining when we’re too hot, but now we have science to back us up. The researchers found that there’s a strong link between temperature and “prosocial behaviors,” which means that when you’re hot, you’re not going to do anything that doesn’t actually benefit you and you’ll have zero tolerance for socializing or making small talk.

Anyone: How are you doing?

Me:

One of the examples they use is employees in retail stores. If the store is too warm, the employees are going to be bitches and not offer to help you with anything. If you need something in a different size, you’ll be stuck sweating in the fitting room while the employees, like, sit around and talk shit about you. We’re always complained that stores are too cold, but at least that means you’ll be getting better service?

The study also found that people who are uncomfortably warm are way less likely to agree to fill out surveys, which is very useful information. Next time you’re in a parking lot and some lady harasses you to sign a petition, just mumble something about it being hot and run to your car. You’re not being rude…

Lastly, the researchers concluded that hot environments made people more fatigued, so it’s completely reasonable to take two naps a day in the summer. Basically, this whole study is just giving you excuses to do all the things you already do, and we’re totally here for it. Thanks science, gotta go take a nap now!

Study Says You Shop Too Much Because You’re Jealous (And Crazy)

To paraphrase the esteemed Big Sean, betches don’t give a fuck. When our bosses tell us to spend less time reading recaps of Vanderpump Rules, we politely agree and move on to scrolling through Jax Taylor’s Instagram. When our besties beg us not to post a photo (“my eyes are crossed and I have six chins!” they say, as if we care) we filter that shit and post away because we look hot AF. When the human equivalent of gas station nachos becomes POTUS, we spend all weekend blacking out and ignoring current events. TBH, we were going to do this anyway, but you see my point.

Every once in a while, though, a fuck or two sneaks in and we get a little jealous. Even Beyoncé does it though, so it’s okay. 

But according to science, that little flicker of jealousy (which may or may not leave you six years deep into your boyfriend’s ex’s Facebook at 3am) might be responsible for the betchiest of pastimes: shopping beyond our means.

In a study published in the Journal of Consumer Psychology, scientists did a bunch of experiments which are way too boring to lay out here. The takeaway is that people who were made to feel jealous of their romantic partners were more likely to buy eye-catching shit like gold lamps and brightly colored coats later. Basically, it’s the same logic you use whenever you start dressing like you’re performing at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show whenever you catch someone standing too close to your SO (so like, within two feet).

Next time you’re whipping out your credit card for some coral lipstick you definitely don’t need, stop and consider whether you’re doing this because you actually want it, or because you’re being driven by the fires of a jealous rage. Then buy it anyway, because who gives a fuck?