What Your Major Says About You

Whether you’re a bright-eyed freshman, have switched your major three times so far this semester, or you’re a junior and somehow still not quite sure what you want to study, let me assure you that the major you pick will impact your entire life in a pretty big way. Freshmen especially, listen up: your major also plays a big part in who your friends will be, what your college experience will feel like, and how other students perceive you. Will it matter after you graduate in terms of getting jobs? Not one bit. But it will affect your social life, which is the most important part of college, obviously.

Your major is also extremely important because if you’re gonna be hungover in your 8am, you might as well enjoy the other 200 people in the lecture and have some interest in the class material you’re so desperately trying to retain. For those of us not sitting in that lecture hall (we stop making that mistake after one semester), and eager freshmen alike, here’s what your major says about you. 

Accounting And/Or Finance 

I hooked up with a guy with this major who freaked out at me when I asked what made his major so hard. Apparently asking him how entering numbers into a spreadsheet qualified as a legitimate course of study wasn’t the most supportive thing to do in that moment, but whatever. 

If you’re majoring in Accounting or Finance, you’re probably super ambitious and a douchebag on the side. Honestly, I don’t doubt you’re better at money management than me, so please hit me up if you want to teach me how to save money or if you know what the f*ck a 401(k) is

Looking into the future, you’re probably super pumped for the Wall Street summer internship your sister’s boyfriend promised to score for you, but spoiler alert: you’re really doing coffee runs and won’t see any daylight, so have fun with that, sweetheart! You’re likely planning on being the betchy version of Jordan Belfort (you know, without all those legal issues and hopefully no quaaludes) but in reality, you’re looking at a sh*t ton of time spent networking with your dad’s friends. 

Basically, if you’re delving into a business school major, be prepared to both work and schmooze your ass off each year to get ahead of the rest of your class. Unless of course, you quit after freshman year to become a comm major. No shade.

Economics 

 

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It’s bizarre to me that econ majors and business majors have beef. Guess what? You’re all smart, you’re all annoying as hell, and you’re all equally as likely to either fail miserably or become the next Bill Gates!! You watch Bloomberg and read The Wall Street Journal while scrolling through that weird stock app I can’t delete from my iPhone. Obviously, you can also recite the entirety of The Big Short from memory. 

I wouldn’t call myself an econ expert, so I’m not really positive how people actually apply their economics degree post-grad. You’re probably planning on going to even more school and becoming a professor or one of those try-hard ~cool~ high school econ teachers or something. 

Political Science 

Due to the interesting state of America today, these students are multiplying overnight. Poli-sci students tend to fall on opposite ends of the ideological spectrum. Whether sporting MAGA hats with no shame or constantly skipping classes to protest whatever dumb sh*t came out of the White House this week, poli-sci wins as the most entertaining spectator sport. 

If you have absolutely zero chill, did Speech and Debate in high school, and enjoy starting sh*t with your friends, this is the perfect major for you! You get a thrill from causing fights after four vodka sodas, especially when the bartender tries charging you $9 for the fifth. Just remember, “God Brad, don’t you realize you’re contributing to capitalist oppression!?” isn’t as good of an argument as you think when you’re slurring your words… especially when the bartender’s name is actually Ryan. 

If this is your major, you’re probably planning on going to law school and becoming the next Liz Warren or RBG (good luck). Just remember, we can’t all be Elle Woods, but it doesn’t hurt to try. 

Communication

Comm classes are the 21st century version of Noah’s f*cking Ark. Seriously, where else can you find a clueless fifth-year senior, a hungover VSCO girl, and a future Pulitzer Prize winner learning the same thing? 

If you’re a comm major, you’re either constantly asking your friend which filter matches your Insta feed aesthetic or talking about the depressing state of journalism today. Comm majors are constantly posting on social media, remain the go-to friend for caption ideas, and daydream of comparisons to Walter Cronkite as you host your own MSNBC (or Fox News) show. 

In any case, your parents are paying a sh*t-ton for you to spend four years lazily plagiarizing Wikipedia articles about famous journalists to graduate with a fairly limited amount of hard skills. Congrats.  

Philosophy

 

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If you’re uptight, a stoner, and have a bit of a superiority complex, philosophy is the perfect major for you. 

When you come home for the holidays and your family asks about school, some of them shake their heads in disappointment, some of them have no further questions, and there’s a good chance your uncle will start an argument with you about Descartes’ theory of the self. 

I’m minoring in philosophy and TBH I’m not even really sure what else there is to do with a philosophy degree aside from becoming a professor or marrying rich. 

Theatre 

These are the students you hear belting everything from Phantom of the Opera to Wicked to Mean Girls in the communal bathroom. Theatre kids are basically real-life versions of the cast of Glee (during those awkward seasons that followed them to college). 

If you’re overdramatic, kind of narcissistic, and not completely tone-deaf, a theatre major will feel like home. You probably continued taking dance classes and doing community theatre loooong after your friends outgrew their second-grade tutus. 

When you aren’t loudly singing in your dorm during midterms (please quiet the f*ck down, practice rooms exist for a reason), you’re inviting your entire Facebook friends list to the event for your upcoming class performance of Guys and Dolls. You’ll most likely move to New York or LA after graduation and spend the foreseeable future in endless auditions. Good luck with that—the whole world’s your stage, betch! 

Engineering/Architecture

I know, I know, these majors are actually really different, but they both, like, do math and build a lot of stuff so they’re grouped together in my mind.

The only real interaction I’ve had with an architecture student is the time I wasn’t watching where I was walking and almost knocked their model building over. Architecture and engineering both seem really challenging, and since I’ve never met either type of student, I can only assume they spend even more time studying than pre-med students. 

If you’re studying one of these subjects, you probably played with Legos until you were 17 and did really well in subjects like geometry and physics. Since so much of your time is spent studying and building stuff, you’d better hope you can at least tolerate your classmates. From what I’ve heard, engineering and architecture students “like, basically live in lab/studio,” so you have to be cool with becoming a hermit. 

Everything I know about architecture is based on Ted Mosby (so I wouldn’t exactly call myself the most credible source on this one), but maybe you’re aspiring to design a skyscraper in NYC one day! We love #betchesinSTEM.  

Pre-Med 

While this isn’t technically an actual major, it might as well be. I’m not quite sure what pre-med students even learn about or how they do it, but anyone who has enough motivation to make it through a semester (or two) of organic chem is a better person than me. 

You probably picked your major after binging Grey’s Anatomy for the first time. If you’re in pre-med, you have to be very patient (lol). You can expect to spend countless hours in labs and in the library. When you finally surface from the black hole of studying to go out, you’ll get stuck with whoever ends up puking, because “med school.” Your friends will probably treat you like f*cking WebMD any time they have a weird sneezing fit and tell you vivid details of alllll of their symptoms when they think they have a UTI

Pre-med students should look forward to pretty much spending the rest of their young lives in school and residencies before finally starting to make enough money to pull themselves out of student debt. 

Nursing 

If you’re just as smart as your pre-med friends (but with more people skills) and aren’t into the idea of a decade of school and a ton of student debt, you should consider nursing! You get to take a bunch of science classes, learn all about medicines and the minor difference between them, and in my experience, nurses are a hell of a lot more fun to be around and they get cooler scrubs. Then when you graduate, you get to do a bunch of the same stuff doctors do, only you get way less credit, are paid less, and treated worse! Exciting!

Psychology 

 

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Quit the act and switch your major to Communications, Jessica | NEW episode out now where we talk first week of class, majors & STDs | LINK IN BIO | tweet credit: @mattthebrand

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Spoiler Alert: Getting a 5 on your AP psych class does NOT mean you’ll automatically be good at college psych, trust me. 

If you’re majoring in psychology, you’re probably not into letting your friend use Mercury in Retrograde as a reason to justify hooking up with their ex. It’s more likely that you’ll end up psychoanalyzing how their repressed experiences cause low self-esteem (which is such a buzzkill). 

While some people who graduate with a psych major end up doing something totally unrelated, a lot of psych majors are truly doing the Lord’s work and making bank for it. Who else is willing to listen to the problems of bougie millennials and suburban moms whose kids have left for college? 

Education 

What’s good, future Ms. Frizzle? Education majors often get a bad rap, but we all know that teaching is literally one of the most important professions ever. 

Education programs are home to washed-up camp counselors, patient saints, and future trophy wives alike. If you can tolerate anyone from children to pretentious sorority girls, like coloring, and basically own stock in Michael’s and OfficeMax for all the money you spend on school supplies, this is the field for you. 

Who knows, you might go on to be a kick-ass teacher and change some lives, Dead Poets Society style. If so, try reeeeally hard not to be one of those assholes who takes a full school year to grade papers because if it’s not abundantly clear by the 15 emails you’ve gotten asking for an update, students hate that sh*t. 

There are literally hundreds of majors (and minors) you can choose to study, and this list just scratches the surface. If you’ve somehow gone through the whole course catalog and still don’t vibe with any of the options, your next steps will probably be to either create an individualized major or re-evaluate if college is actually right for you. 

No matter what you decide to do with the next four-plus years of your youth, be prepared to spend at least half of that time pushing your body to its absolute limits in every way: hygiene (yes bitch, you do smell after spending three straight nights in the library), coffee intake (“is six espresso shots too many? I have a final tomorrow”), and stress levels, because you’re in for a wild ride. Good luck.

Images: kaboompics/Pixabay; off campus / Instagram (2); sadieoleary / Twitter

Fall Trends You Cannot, Under Any Circumstances, Wear Back To School This Year

It’s officially August, which means you’ve finally given up on your summer body and Target is filled with 18-year-old girls fighting over twin XL sheets with their moms. In other words, it’s back to school time. Back to school means many things, such as the end of joy return to some minimal responsibilities (look, if you’re in college, don’t even whine to me about how “hard” your classes are. Talk to me when you have to decide between a 401K and an IRA). To others, the back to school season is the reveal of a carefully orchestrated glow-up that took months of secret planning. But nothing can ruin your meticulously crafted New (School) Year, New Me persona than a fashion fuck-up. Here are a few things you definitely shouldn’t wear this year, because they’re just socially unacceptable at this point.

1. Puffy Vests

Vests have been having a moment for way too long and it is time for that moment to be over. Besides the fact that they’re hideous bulky and unflattering, everyone wears the same like, four ugly vests. Shoutout to J.Crew and Vineyard Vines for convincing college girls to basically wear floatation devices on a daily basis.

Vest

2. Jeggings That Don’t Actually Resemble Jeans

I get it. The invention of the jegging was revolutionary because now you can look semi-presentable while wearing pants that don’t feel like pants. But like, let’s not get ahead of ourselves and do something regrettable, like wear jeans without a zipper or pockets. Those are fine for stay-at-home moms who are involved in some kind of MLM to feel useful and independent, but probably not the look you’re going for.

3. Printed (Non-Workout) Leggings

Now that people sell ugly cotton printed leggings out of their homes (see: MLM), printed leggings are cancelled. I mean, they’ve been on their way out for a while, but once they started being sold like Tupperware at a house party, their fate was sealed. Obvi, you can still wear printed leggings to the gym (or to Chipotle, as long as it’s a solid athleisure outfit and not leggings and a sweater or some shit).

Cancelled

4. Riding Boots

You do not need to be wearing anything that is inspired by equestrian equipment to the library. There’s just no way around it. I don’t even like the fact that there’s probably an outfit that incorporates these on my “style” Pinboard from 2011, so I really can’t imagine actually wearing them.

5. Weird Scarves

Despite what the tacky name may suggest, you can’t wear infinity scarves forever and the time to stop wearing them is like, yesterday. These are outdated and blanket scarves are better. You’re welcome.

Scarf

6. Fur Vests (Maybe)

Like everything else good in this world, Forever 21 tried to kill off the fur vest last season. These are pretty much dead, so definitely don’t buy a new one. However, if you have one sitting in your closet that you can’t part with because you’re a stage five clinger, I guess we can make an exception just this once. 

Back-To-School Backpacks That Won’t Make You Look Like A Freshman

It’s always easy to spot the freshmen because of their wide-eyed innocence, the giant yellow lanyards hanging around their necks, and their oversized backpacks filled with real textbooks (lol, who reads those?). Look, what you choose to wear on your back is important. Nobody wants to give a bid to the girl who ironically totes around a Buzz Lightyear backpack from Wal-Mart (not speaking from experience or anything…), so it’s time to add backpacks to your back-to-school shopping list. Remember that kid in your high school who brought a rolling bag to school? That’s how much of a home-schooled jungle freak you risk looking like if you choose the wrong vessel in which to carry your shit. Luckily these backpacks we’ve hand-picked are cute, lightweight (meaning no back sweat, you’re welcome), and will (probably) fit all your stuff. You’re so lucky you have us.

 

1. Rebecca Minkoff Julian Nylon Backpack

This isn’t like, a regular backpack. It’s a cool backpack. The absolute angels at Rebecca Minkoff took the Julian leather backpack and made it lightweight for the times in fall when it’s still hot as balls outside. Dreams do come true.

2. Baggu Canvas Backpack

This cotton canvas backpack looks like it belongs on the floor of a minimalist Tumblr bedroom, but you’re probably going to just fill it with shit like chopsticks you’ll forget about and crumpled up receipts. It also has a laptop sleeve, which you’ll probably leave something important in and find two weeks later.

3. Marc Jacobs Biker Nylon Backpack

If it didn’t sound like a bad line from an Old Navy commercial, I’d tell you that this Marc Jacobs backpack is fashionable and functional. Backpacks are typically kind of nerdy, but this one is Marc Jacobs so it’s actually sorta edgy (which isn’t easily achieved by nylon bags, but whatever).

4. Herschel Retreat Backpack

Herschel is kind of like, the Vans of the backpack world. Pretty much everyone has one now, and they’re kind of making us all look like hipster dudes from Brooklyn. But they’re functional, not ugly and can probably fit a bottle of wine water, so why not?

5. Kate Spade Watson Lane Large Hartley Backpack

I know we like, just said that Kate Spade isn’t cool anymore because of the whole Coach thing, but I’ve pretty much already talked shit about every other designer that you preppy betches probably love, so I’ll let you have this one thing, as long as you don’t get carried away. This nylon backpack is actually so cute and black and white stripes go with everything (just ask Kris Jenner).