We’ve now been in quarantine for over six weeks, and I’m running out of things to watch. What about Netflix, you say? Ha! I laugh in the face of Netflix. Too Hot to Handle? Done! Tiger King? Obviously. Outer Banks? Duh! You name it, I’ve seen it. So now that I’ve exhausted every option, I’m rewatching old movies that I used to have on repeat. Today’s film? He’s Just Not That Into You, which is one of those movies that has many interconnecting stories and features a plethora of A-listers that never were on set at the same time but wanted an easy paycheck. I’m going to recap it for you here, and friends, if you thought this movie was some sexist bullsh*t in 2009, just you WAIT until you watch it in 2020.
We open on a playground scene. Baby Ginnifer Goodwin is getting bullied by a little boy, and before you ask, no, I’m not bothering to learn any of these characters’ names, so get used to it. Anyway. Ginnifer’s mom tells her that’s because he likes her. In voiceover, she tells us that for years, our fellow women let us believe this lie that if men are mean to us, it means they’re into us. She says it’s bad advice and just not true. She condemns it! I’ll urge you to bookmark this part right here, because it is the idea upon which the entire movie is built. If he’s mean to you, He’s Just Not That Into You. Remember this moment.
We’ve moved off the playground and into a bar, as one does. Ginnifer is an adult on a date with Kevin Connolly, who is riding high off his Entourage success. The waitress asks if they’d like another round. Ginny is eager and Kevin hesitantly agrees. What a lucky girl! They leave the date, he kisses her on the cheek, and it is obvious to anyone with eyes that this is going nowhere.
After they part ways, he immediately calls Scarlett Johansson because he’s just tipsy enough to think maybe she’ll suck his dick. Our heroine, Ginnifer Goodwin, thinks that he is calling her to leave a message. WHAT?! This is where I have to point something out, friends. This movie is not about men not being that into us. It is actually about a very sick individual, Ginnifer, who comes up with fantastical scenarios in her head based on little to no evidence, and who truly needs to be committed. Or should at least be forced to sit in the corner wearing a straitjacket for one hour. I will present my case throughout this recap, and I think by closing statements you’ll all be ready to vote to convict. This is Exhibit A.
Now we pivot to a grocery store. Scarlett Johansson wins a free cooler and acts like it is her long-lost identical twin sister with whom she has been reunited with after many years of searching. She’s so happy to see this cooler that she cannot contain herself and gives Bradley Cooper, the man in line to check out behind her, a huge hug. I think this is supposed to be a meet-cute? But should meet-cutes make you feel this icky inside? Then they chat outside the Quickchek.
Bradley Cooper: I can help you with your music career
Oh and what do you know, when Bradley gets into the car his buddy Ben Affleck is waiting for him! At least he has a cheating guru to rely on.
Ben Affleck then goes home to his girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston. It is now that I start to wonder if we’re in a movie, or is this just the darkest timeline?
Jennifer nags Ben because her little sister is getting married and they are not yet married after many years together. He tells her that “people who get married are not to be trusted.” WHAT?! That’s the best excuse you could come up with? Not “marriage is a sham of an institution”? “We don’t need a piece of paper to prove our love and commitment to one another”? There are so many pages he could have taken out of the “Man Who Doesn’t Want To Get Married But Can’t Stand Being Alone” playbook that would have been at least a little convincing; this one doesn’t even make any sense.
Next, we get a montage of Ginnifer acting absolutely out of her mind after her date with Kevin Connolly. She leaves her flip phone (lol) open during yoga (not how that worked, even back in the early 2000s), tells Jennifer Connelly that she knows where he hangs out, and then we see her at work with Jen C and Jen A (my GOD Jennifer is a popular name), and they are psychoanalyzing her date. Ginny! Just pour some wine in that work mug, get loose, and give him a call! As it turns out, that is what she does, and it also turns out that was some very bad advice. Whoops!
Kevin does not pick up, obviously, and Ginnifer leaves him a voicemail, which I just so happened to find a handy GIF of:
The ways we women will embarrass ourselves for a mediocre white man under 5’7” are truly astounding.
After that disaster, Ginnifer goes to the restaurant that Kevin said he hangs out in and tells the hostess that she is meeting someone! Exhibit B. You are not meeting someone, Ginnifer, you’re stalking. You’re working your way toward a restraining order. This is where she meets Justin Long, who will continue to demean women the entire movie in what I can only assume the director thought was a charming way?
This is when Justin tells her about “The Rule.” He says, “If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a sh*t, he genuinely doesn’t give a sh*t.” I have no problem with the rule in theory; in fact, I think it’s a good rule and one I tell my friends every time they try to triple-text a guy who doesn’t even watch their Instagram stories. The problem, however, is that the movie spends the next hour and change disproving their own rule. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
So then Ginnifer goes home, eats some mini muffins, and comes to the revelation that if a man cheats on you at the beginning of a relationship, or is otherwise awful, they don’t really care about you at all. That’s all she came up with?! I’ve come up with more profound revelations after chugging two Four Lokos at a frat party my freshman year of college.
OMG Drew Barrymore and ScarJo are getting pedicures. I dream of the day I can do that again. My feet do not belong to me anymore. My feet belong to Gollum. Anyway. ScarJo tells Drew about how she wants to pursue a married man (Bradley Cooper). Drew tells her about a homewrecker she knows who got a happy ending, so ScarJo should go for it! Reader, this is bad advice.
Bradley Cooper shuts ScarJo down, having not heard the story of the happy homewrecker, I guess. So Scarlett goes right to Kevin Connolly’s house for a foot rub and some compliments. This might be the one realistic aspect of the entire movie.
Now Jennifer Aniston goes home and picks a fight with Ben Affleck about the marriage thing. She says to him, “I need you to stop being nice to me unless you’re going to marry me after.” How funny, I use that exact line on all my first dates. I think you all can understand why I’m still single now, huh?
Jen asks Ben if he’s ever going to marry her. He doesn’t answer. It’s okay, Jen! In 2020 he’ll be parading around LA without a mask and calling the paparazzi to take his picture during a global pandemic, so I promise you won’t regret walking out!
Bradley Cooper then calls ScarJo back. He apologizes for not wanting to cheat on his wife earlier, he’s ready now. They make a plan to meet up at his office to “talk about her career.”
Meanwhile, Ginnifer is at happy hour. She meets a guy. She gives him her number, he gives her his, and then he says he looks forward to hearing from her. Instead of playing it cool, Ginnifer immediately chases him out and interrogates him like she is Carrie Mathison trying to figure out the mole. This is Exhibit C.
ScarJo goes to Bradley Cooper’s office and asks him why he is married. God, Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re married! He said that he and Jennifer Connelly dated in college and then she gave him an ultimatum that they get married or break up. What a beautiful love story! Can I submit it to The Way We Met? Then he paces around his office telling her that she’s hot. I will say, the writers really nailed the lines for dudes that like to cheat on their significant others, because I’ve never once had a man with a partner that’s attempting to pursue me text that he loves my personality.
And now the very unstable Ginnifer is taping the card, which she ripped up, of happy hour dude back together so that she can call him. I guess she’s really looking forward to some less-than-mediocre conversation where he talks about his high salary before he makes her split the check, falls asleep on top of her after two pumps, and then texts her the next day asking if she’s on birth control.
Instead, she calls Justin Long because she needs someone to emotionally slap her across the face.
That’ll do the trick!
Now Ginnifer is on a different date and making out with a guy on his couch. He tells her he’s leaving tomorrow so he’ll be out of touch for a little bit. Better have sex tonight! It’s at this point that I’ve got to wonder how this woman presumably made it to adulthood in one piece being so naive. She goes to the bathroom to call Justin Long for advice. He tells her that she needs to go home, this guy is a liar, and doesn’t like her. He also tells her to take her time in the bathroom and make him sweat. WHAT IS THAT ADVICE?! Make him think you have bowel troubles and you’re just sh*tting uncontrollably in his bathroom? Just leave! You don’t have to make him think your IBS is flaring up just to get out of f*cking him! This is Exhibit D.
Bradley Cooper and Ben Affleck go boating. Bradley tells Ben that no guy actually wants to get married. And if they do, all they can think about is all the girls they’re going to miss out on. Wow, I didn’t know that trash was physically capable of sailing a boat.
Our favorite maniac, Ginnifer, goes to meet up with Justin Long and a friend he is setting her up with. His friend doesn’t show because Justin “mixed up the dates”, so instead he spends the whole evening telling her that women are dramatic, she’s pathetic like a basset hound (don’t you drag innocent puppies into this, Justin!!) and that if a girl doesn’t like him he just finds another girl with smaller pores and bigger implants. Wait, what? You judge your date on the size of their pores? No one should be taking this man’s advice.
Now we’re at ScarJo’s apartment and Bradley is there, and I guess they just had sex. Did I miss something? I mean, I did zone out for about 90 seconds to reevaluate all the life decisions that lead me to what is clearly the Bad Place, so maybe I missed a transition of some kind. Or perhaps this movie really is that clunky. Either could be true!
Ginnifer is sitting on her couch with her landline next to her. Is this 2009 or is this 1999? Because in 2009 I legit had my third iPhone. 2009 was the future! Justin Long calls and invites her to his party, where I can only assume they will be watching movies they rented from Blockbuster, playing on Tamagotchis, and listening to Pearl Jam.
Then the next day, she goes to work and she tells all her friends that Justin Long is into her because he… *checks notes*… invited her to his party. Exhibit E.
She’s also convinced that Justin mixing up the dates for his friend wasn’t actually a mistake, he has no friend named Bill, and that he just wanted to go out with her. So the man that has advocated for being upfront this entire movie, albeit in a pretty dickish way, is trying to mind trick her into going on a date? Now I’m not just concerned about her mental capacity, I also think she needs hearing aids. But I’m the only skeptical one here, because she convinces the Jennifers at work it’s true. Idiots abound!
Now we’re at Home Depot with Jennifer Connelly and Bradley Cooper. Jen and Brad are fighting over hardwood floors. She says fake wood is a liar and she doesn’t like that it’s pretending to be real wood. What a metaphor! It’s so profound, Bradley tells her he cheated on her. And then he’s basically like, “so I guess you hate me, I’m gonna move out so I can f*ck ScarJo in peace.” But then she tells him not to move out, and he somehow gets roped into staying together. I feel like this conversation about the state of their marriage probably should have been longer and not conducted next to thousands of tiny little shiplap samples, but ok.
Now we’re at this party. Ginnifer is snacking and telling people that something is going to happen between her and Justin and that she is “more than a guest.” Justin asks Ginnifer for some help and she asks “kind of like co-hosting?” This is Exhibit F. It is here that I must say I do not know any single women that would ever act this way. We just don’t happen to have boyfriends, we’re not deranged. I feel like this movie is really painting us in a false light. Also, nobody goes to a party wanting to host, that’s just extra work.
After the party is over, Ginnifer cleans up Justin’s entire apartment while he plays video games with a Blake Lively look-alike. They couldn’t get the actual Blake for this movie? They sprung for everyone else. Ginnifer says that it’s 3am, so the Blake-a-like leaves. Ginnifer lingers. Justin tells her he has to go to bed, clearly blowing her off, and so naturally she jumps him. She says she thinks they are in a relationship (Exhibit G; at this point, I fully expect to make it to the end of the alphabet and then into some numbers), and he reiterates that he told her if a guy is into a girl he would make it happen. He calls her insane (fair) and they get into a big fight and she finally goes home, which probably involves getting on a spaceship to whatever foreign planet she lives on.
That scene was the most horrifying thing that has been on my TV in years, and I fall asleep to Dateline every Friday night. And the writers really got it wrong. Sure, sometimes women and men start out as friends and end up dating. I mean, it’s never happened to me, but I’ve heard about it on the internet! But I just don’t think that after Justin telling her all this time that a guy would make it happen if he’s interested, that she would just throw herself at him when he’s not even acting interested. He’d rather play Call of Duty than acknowledge her presence! This would never happen.
Now we’re at the office, and Jennifer Connelly is telling Ginnifer that Bradley Cooper is cheating on her. She says she needs to take responsibility because she forced him into getting married and now she’s not fun anymore. And that they never have sex anymore. Ginnifer tells Jennifer that it is not her fault (yes, that sentence killed me inside too). This is the only not insane thing Ginnifer has said this whole movie, and I am proud of her brief moment of clarity. I mean, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
OH NO, THIS SCENE. Bradley Cooper has Scarlett in his office and her positive career meeting is making them hornier than the idea of losing $20,000 is to those kids on Too Hot To Handle. They start to get frisky in his office when his wife shows up! He shoves Scarlett in the closet, screws his wife, and she leaves. That office has an awful lot of windows for the amount of sex going on it, but who am I to judge?
Scarlett comes out of the closet and tells Bradley he’s a disgusting excuse for a man. But like, you knew he was married? And you were about to do the same thing with him?
ScarJo is sad after being forced to listen to Bradley Cooper’s muffled grunts and Jennifer Connelly’s unenthused heavy breathing, so she calls up Kevin Connolly and finally lets him bang her again. She says she wants to be with him, but as we zoom in on her cold, empty eyes in the middle of the night, her face reveals the truth. Once again, this plot line is the only one in the whole film that captures the truth.
Jennifer Connelly goes back to her house and realizes that Bradley Cooper has been lying to her all along. She smashes a mirror, which is foolish because it means seven years of bad luck! But I guess she did have to be married to a dude who picks up mistresses at the bodega for the last seven years, so maybe she’s already done her penance.
Jennifer Aniston and Ben get back together and she says she doesn’t need to get married, he just needs to let her eat Wheat Thins in bed. Amen, sister! But maybe dream bigger. Eat a four-course meal in bed. Beds are the new tables! I mean all of that hypothetically of course, haven’t done it myself lately, no way.
Kevin Connolly takes ScarJo to visit a house and he says he wants to buy it. Well, that escalated quickly. She can no longer hide her disgust for him and dumps him. I hope he can get that deposit back!
Bradley comes back to his house and finds his sh*t nicely packed and left on the stairs. Wow. If neatly folding your cheating spouse’s items as a way of telling them you want a divorce is not the sign of a sociopath, I don’t know what is.
Ginnifer gets back from her date with Bill. So Bill does exist! Justin Long knocks on her door. He tells her he fell for her and he kisses her. He tells her she is the exception to the rule. WHAT? You mean to tell me that the 120 minutes this movie just spent telling me that women are the rule and not the exception is actually completely going back on its word?! I AM SHOOK.
AND THEN! Ben Affleck proposes to Jennifer Aniston. She is also the exception! I’m suing for my time back and emotional distress.
Finally, we cut to ScarJo singing a sad song in a bar and wearing ostentatious red lipstick, obviously to remind us that homewreckers end up alone. Bradley Cooper is back at the Quickchek buying beer, and Jennifer Connelly moves into a new house to begin a new life with an unsmashed mirror.
This part of the movie is where I really lose it. It just spent HOURS telling us that if a man is mean to you, he doesn’t like you. And then in 30 seconds it dismantles that entire premise with the equivalent of a “jk lol” text. While I know I shouldn’t expect too much out of a movie whose script was clearly written on the back of a napkin, I can’t help but think that this sends a horrible message to us single women around the world. He doesn’t act into you, but he really is (Ginnifer!), he says he won’t marry you but then he does (Jennifer!), I’m confused. Do I believe what men say, or do I not? In fact, the only single woman that seems remotely real to me, the one who is enticed by a hot married man, and dates a guy she doesn’t actually like because she wants to be loved, is the only woman who gets an ending that seems sad and hopeless. But she’s the only woman who even partially understands the message of “he’s just not that into you.” The movie actually punishes the idea it presents. They should have just called it He’s Definitely Into You: How To Snag A Lying Liar Who Doesn’t Want To Get Married.
We end with Ginnifer finally co-hosting a party, and telling us in voiceover to “never, ever give up hope that you’ll find love.” Sure! That, or you could just beat a man down into loving out in what can only be some form of Stockholm Syndrome!
I hope you all enjoyed reminiscing as much as I did, now I’m off to text the dude who was rude to me at Shop Rite yesterday. He totally wants it.
Images: Netflix; Giphy (5)
At one point or another, we’ve all said things we shouldn’t have. Whether you said your boss’s idea was dumb in a meeting or gave your friend your honest opinion about how she looked in an outfit, it happens. But there’s a big difference between telling Jen her dress is too tight and saying sh*t that’s actually bigoted or otherwise problematic. Seems like an easy concept to grasp, but some celebrities just don’t seem to get this. Case in point: J.K. Rowling. While she became a billionaire by creating the Wizarding World, she f*cks up a lot when it comes to things in the real world. Today, she’s in hot water for a tweet about an important UK legal decision, and it’s really not a good look for her.
Here’s the background: a woman named Maya Forstater, who worked at a poverty think-tank, was fired for a series of tweets questioning government plans to allow people to self-identify as whatever gender they chose. In one tweet, Forstater specifically stated that “men cannot change into women,” blatantly disregarding scientific opinion, along with the experiences of countless trans people. Forstater contested her firing at the Central London Employment Tribunal, but this week, they ruled against her. The judge called Forstater’s views “absolutist,” and said that they serve to create “intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment.” Basically, it’s almost 2020, and trans people aren’t going anywhere, sorry Maya.
What I am so surprised at is that smart people who I admire, who are absolutely pro-science in other areas, and champion human rights & womens rights are tying themselves in knots to avoid saying the truth that men cannot change into women (because that might hurt mens feelings)
— Maya Forstater (@MForstater) September 30, 2018
In the wake of the decision, J.K. Rowling did what she always does, and tweeted something outlandish even though nobody asked. She tweeted her support for Forstater, claiming that the Tribunal is trying to “force women out of their jobs for stating that sex is real,” and using the hashtag #IStandWithMaya. As someone who took like, two gender studies classes in college, this tweet immediately made me cringe. Rowling doesn’t seem to understand the difference between sex and gender here—so, for the people in back, let’s take a look at the GLAAD definitions. Sex is “the classification of a person as male or female,” which is assigned at birth, “usually based on the appearance of their external anatomy.” Gender identity, however, is “a person’s internal, deeply held sense of their gender,” and “for transgender people, their own internal gender identity does not match the sex they were assigned at birth.” No one said sex isn’t real here, because the issue was never about sex. It was about gender and gender identity.
Dress however you please.
Call yourself whatever you like.
Sleep with any consenting adult who’ll have you.
Live your best life in peace and security.
But force women out of their jobs for stating that sex is real? #IStandWithMaya #ThisIsNotADrill
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) December 19, 2019
On top of being like, factually incorrect, with this statement, JK Rowling is dipping her toes into an area of feminism that’s hardcore problematic. In the wake of her tweet, she’s been labeled a TERF: Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist. This term, which was coined in 2008, describes a subset of feminists who have transphobic views, a main one being that trans women aren’t real women. While some women who have been called TERFs argue that the term is a slur, that’s probably because they’re not ready to talk about the fact that they believe in sh*tty, hurtful things.
Trans women are women.
Trans men are men.
Non-binary people are non-binary.
CC: JK Rowling.
— Human Rights Campaign (@HRC) December 19, 2019
After her latest tweet, J.K. has been called out on Twitter by thousands of people, including some of the top advocacy groups for LGBTQ issues. She’s yet to respond to the controversy, but hopefully she can take this as a learning opportunity and fix her transphobic views. Maybe I’m being too optimistic, but it’s just kind of sad that J.K. Rowling sucks this much. Because she has created such beloved books and characters, it’s tempting to dismiss a comment like this as a misunderstanding, or a one-off tone-deaf moment, but that’s just not the case. She has sucked for a long time.
This latest issue is far from the only time J.K. Rowling’s behavior has raised questions. Perhaps most famously, many people have been upset by the decision to keep Johnny Depp in the Fantastic Beasts movies after he was accused of physical and verbal abuse by his ex-wife, Amber Heard. Even Daniel Radcliffe questioned the decision, telling Entertainment Weekly, “I suppose the thing I was struck by was, we did have a guy who was reprimanded for weed on the film, essentially, so obviously what Johnny has been accused of is much greater than that.”
Rowling has also been accused of using her after-the-fact revelations about Harry Potter characters as a deflection of criticism that the books aren’t very inclusive, and it’s hard to argue with this. If Dumbledore was really gay all along, would it have killed her to mention it even once in seven books? Yeah, she should probably just stick to writing, and maybe include a little more diversity in her next book.
Of course, J.K. Rowling is far from the only celebrity who has made an uncomfortable habit of saying things they just shouldn’t. Here are a few of the most prolific sufferers of foot-in-mouth-syndrome—have fun cringing while you remember all these moments.
Honestly, where to even start with Lena Dunham? I loved Girls, and I think most people can agree she’s talented, but every time she opens her mouth I dread what she’s going to say. You know you officially have a problem when your Wikipedia page has a whole section titled “Controversies,” and Lena Dunham’s history of putting her foot in her mouth is a lot to take in. For today, we’ll just enjoy some of the highlights.
In 2014, Dunham’s book Not That Kind of Girl created controversy around a story about being sexually assaulted by a classmate at Oberlin College. The issue wasn’t with the story itself, rather the fact that the pseudonym she used for her abuser was…not a pseudonym at all. She described a guy named Barry in great detail, and then a real-life guy named Barry came forward, claiming that her description matched up a little too closely. Random House had to reprint the book with a clarification apologizing for the “confusion.”
That wasn’t the only controversy surrounding Dunham’s book. She got even more backlash for passages where she writes about interacting with her one-year-old sister in a sexual nature when she was seven, which many people labeled as predatory behavior. Dunham’s sister defended her, saying people should be able to make their own decisions “for themselves what has and has not been normal,” but yeah, this didn’t sound normal. Everyone from attorneys to child psychologists weighed in on the controversy, and it still weirds me out, even five years later.
And by the way, if you were a little kid and never looked at another little kid's vagina, well, congrats to you.
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) November 1, 2014
One of Lena Dunham’s most puzzling moments came in 2016, when she said publicly that she wishes she’d had an abortion. When speaking on a podcast about abortion rights and understanding women’s experiences, she said “I can say that I still haven’t had an abortion, but I wish I had.” Whatever your thoughts are about whether abortion is okay or not, wishing you had one, like, for the story seems incredibly strange.
In case you haven’t noticed, Scarlett Johansson is white. In fact, you could say that she’s very white. And despite being an incredibly talented actor, she’s not so talented when it comes to accepting her privilege and staying out of the spotlight for all the wrong reasons. This has specifically been an issue with some roles she’s accepted in the past. She played an Asian woman in Ghost In The Shell, and was slated to play a transgender man in the movie Rub & Tug, before she left the project for unknown reasons. It would be nice to think that those reasons had something to do with her casting being problematic in the first place, but as recently as this summer, she’s stated that she doesn’t see the issue with her playing non-white, non-cis roles.
Definitely Scarlett johansson. Who else would even dare to play a tree?! https://t.co/rGZQiQzYV1
— V (@AllYouNeedIsATV) December 18, 2019
When speaking to As If magazine in July, she stated that “as an actor I should be allowed to play any person, or any tree, or any animal because that is my job and the requirements of my job.” She got trolled online for the tree part, but the whole thing is rough, whatever way you look at it. She also said that the trend toward political correctness “needs to happen for various social reasons,” but that it makes her uncomfortable, because she feels “art should be free of restrictions.” Oh Scarlett, honey, no.
Nicki Minaj has been a polarizing figure throughout her career, and has a habit of feuding with basically every female rapper on the face of the earth. Whether you think the feuds are fun or exhausting, they’re not that problematic, for the most part. But Nicki’s track record when it comes to working with (and dating) known abusers is pretty bad.
Nicki has long collaborated with Chris Brown, and in 2018, lots of people got mad at her for working—and developing a close friendship—with rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine. As you may have heard, this week he was sentenced to two years in federal prison for gang-related offenses, but this isn’t his first time being in trouble with the law. Back in 2015, he pleaded guilty to three felony counts of “use of a child in a sexual performance,” which is as gross as it sounds. Last year, Nicki publicly voiced her support for him, despite him pleading guilty to all the charges against him. But her friendship with 6ix9ine was not a one-off instance of Nicki supporting a sex offender.
Also last year, Nicki started dating Kenneth Petty, who happens to be a registered sex offender. He was convicted of attempted rape back in the 1990s, which seems like it would be a dealbreaker for most people, but Nicki clearly has no issue with it. In fact, she’s bashed people on social media for criticizing her relationship decisions, and she and Kenneth are still going strong and apparently married. Welp.
There are plenty of other celebs who have said their fair share of ill-advised things, but these are a few of the most egregious ones. Which celebrities have caused you to cringe the most over sh*t they’ve said? Is there anyone who’s overdue for a canceling? Lmk in the comments.
Images: jk_rowling, hrc, lenadunham, allyouneedisatv / Twitter; theshaderoom / Instagram
These days, Scarlett Johansson is kind of on top of the world. She’s the world’s highest-earning female movie star, she’s getting her own Marvel movie, she has two different projects coming out this fall that are already getting award buzz. Add to that list that she’s engaged to SNL’s Colin Jost, and things seem to be going great in her career and her personal life. But for some reason, Scarlett Johansson can’t stop saying problematic sh*t, and the internet is starting to get sick of it.
In a new interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Scarlett Johansson was asked how she felt about Woody Allen. In response, she said (brace yourself), “I love Woody. I believe him, and I would work with him anytime.” As you might recall, Woody Allen was famously accused of sexually assaulting his daughter Dylan Farrow when she was a child. Though Allen has always denied the allegations, and has never been charged with any crime in connection, the Hollywood community has largely distanced themselves from him in the wake of the #MeToo movement. Many actors have committed to never working with him again, and most of the stars of his most recent movie chose to donate their salaries to Time’s Up.
Scarlett Johansson, however, is publicly taking a very different stance on the issue. She continued telling THR, “I see Woody whenever I can, and I have had a lot of conversations with him about it. I have been very direct with him, and he’s very direct with me. He maintains his innocence, and I believe him.”
Watching Scarlett Johansson dragged on twitter every few months is my new favourite hobby
— lyss (@alyssabosard) September 5, 2019
The thing is, we’re in this important era of believing and respecting people when they come forward about things like sexual abuse, and Scarlett Johansson’s dismissal of the allegations against Woody Allen feels like a slap in the face of the entire #MeToo movement. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t ever speak to Woody Allen again if she loves him that much, she can do whatever she wants in private I guess, but she could just…say nothing publicly. Or acknowledge that since you weren’t there, you don’t have any way of truly knowing what happened. You don’t have to be a social justice warrior, but you can try not to be an actively sh*tty person.
But what if Scarlett Johansson is an actively sh*tty person? In the past, she has drawn criticism for accepting roles as a transgender man and an Asian woman, two types of people of which she is neither, and who often are underrepresented and undercast in film. It’s one thing to have made poor choices in the past, but just this July, Scarlett defended her job as an actor in a way that made a lot of people raise an eyebrow. She told As If magazine: “The question is, what is acting anyway? You know, as an actor I should be allowed to play any person, or any tree, or any animal because that is my job.”
Okay, so she didn’t exactly say that she should get to play an Asian woman if she wants to, but she heavily alluded to it. Like, big respect to the profession of acting, but pretending to be a different race is not the same thing as pretending to be a tree. I’m rolling my eyes so hard right now.
She continued, saying that “there are times does get uncomfortable when it affects the art because I feel art should be free of restrictions.” Ohhhh I’m SO sorry that it’s uncomfy to be politically correct sometimes, but there are marginalized groups out there that experience a lot more discomfort in their day-to-day lives, so she’s really not getting any sympathy from me.
How often do you think Colin Jost wishes he could roast Scarlett Johansson on SNL for her trash opinions and choices?
— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) September 5, 2019
Back in 2017, Scarlett Johansson also got side-eyes when she said that she would support Donald Trump as President if he stopped his plan to withdraw funding from Planned Parenthood. Of course, I’m a big supporter of Planned Parenthood (I once donated in Donald Trump’s name on his birthday), but that’s not close to the only thing that’s problematic about Trump’s Presidency. Hey Scarlett, let’s get a shout-out for those kids in cages!
When it comes down to it, Scarlett Johansson seems like someone who is, at best, horribly out of touch with reality. Maybe when you’re as famous as she is, you don’t realize how some of these things come across. Or maybe she’s an undercover Alt Right Princess, who really knows? Either way, she should definitely stop making public comments about this stuff, because none of it is a good look for her.
Images: Shutterstock; alyssabosard, sarafcarter / Twitter
Sometimes you’ve got to take a break from the fiery wreckage of American politics to gossip about religious cults. And praise Xenu, we’ve got ourselves a Scientology story! On Wednesday, Scarlett Johansson denied auditioning to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend back in the pre-Katie Holmes days, when the “church” allegedly conducted a top-secret version of The Bachelor to find a Scientology-approved lady for Cruise to love.
Johansson’s denial comes after a former Scientology security guard named Brendon Tighe went on “Megyn Kelly Today” to spill all sorts of tea about the super problematic church. Tighe claimed that he saw Johansson’s name on a list of women auditioning to date the Mission Impossible 27: These Movies Are Still Happening star. According to Tighe, Johansson’s audition went about as well as my recent Hinge dates (aka v. poorly).
But Johansson made it very clear that she never wanted Cruise to jump on a couch for her. “The very idea of any person auditioning to be in a relationship is so demeaning,” Johansson told The Hollywood Reporter in a statement. “I refuse for anyone to spread the idea that I lack the integrity to choose my own relationship. Only a man aka Brendan Tighe would come up with a crazy story like that.” You go, ScarJo!
Even though the Black Widow herself evidently wasn’t a part of any auditions, a 2012 Vanity Fair story did report on the church’s efforts to find a new girlfriend for Cruise after Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz got sick of his dianetics bullshit. And if you need a distraction from the news, you should absolutely read the whole thing, because it is bonkers. Apparently, before Katie Holmes won the dubious distinction of Cruise Wife #3, Scientology higher-ups selected a British-Iranian actress named Nazanin Boniadi to be Cruise’s girlfriend. When their relationship didn’t work out, the church made Boniadi “scrub toilets with a toothbrush on her hands and knees, clean bathroom tiles with acid, and dig ditches in the middle of the night.” Uh, and I thought my break-ups were rough.
In conclusion, Scientology is garbage, ScarJo is awesome, and maybe no one should date Tom Cruise ever again.
Celebrities…they really aren’t just like us. “Oh, I have perfect skin from drinking lots of water and wearing sunscreen.” Bullshit. You get facials worth thousands of dollars and cake on La Mer. “I lost the baby weight because chasing my kids is a workout class on its own!” Oh please, you did two-a-day sessions with Kirk Myers or Gunnar Peterson and may or may not have had some lipo. But one thing that does humanize celebrities a little more? The embarrassing drunken celebrity hookups that they’d probably love to forget. And obviously, we’d love to remind them because sometimes those who have stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame should be knocked down a few pegs by doing a walk of shame.
Mary-Kate Olsen and Kanye West
Ever since Mary-Kate’s relationship with Stavros Niarchos ended and Ashley and her college sweetheart broke up, the Olsen twins seem to have a type: much older rich dudes that are….well….ugly hot would be sugarcoating it, right? Kanye West’s type, on the other hand, is a lot more bootylicious. So Mary-Kate and Kanye must have been super drunk when, reportedly, they made out at Kanye’s birthday party over a decade ago, because they could not be more the opposite of each other’s types. Let’s hope that drunken makeout didn’t lead them to the bedroom, because Kanye seems like the kind of guy who says his own name during sex. But at least we now know why Kanye rapped, “Prince William ain’t doing it right if you ask me. If I was him, I would have married Kate and Ashley.”
Paris Hilton and Jared Leto
Jared Leto seems like that guy who takes himself so seriously that he explains the *profound* meaning behind his tattoos even though you didn’t even ask. He seems like that kind of guy who will whip out an acoustic guitar at the most random of moments in group settings and start playing songs he wrote, coercing people into giving him halfhearted approval for his shitty lyrics. He’s that guy that closes his eyes and nods his head solemnly after he gives you unsolicited advice that is really just quotes he saw on Instagram. In other words? He has the charisma of a creepy cult leader, whereas Paris is so much like a Barbie doll come to life that she puts Tyra Banks in Life-Size to shame. So it makes zero sense that these two drunkenly made out at Sundance a decade ago. The only thing I can think of that these two have in common is that they were bonding over how they have the same hair colorist or facialist since they both clearly put in a lot of effort into their appearances. Hey Jared, I get my hair colored at IGK too. Does that mean I can drunkenly make out with you?
Selena Gomez and Orlando Bloom
The best kind of hookup is the revenge hookup. Okay, it’s not exactly healthy for the people involved, but that’s between them and their respective shrinks. From a gossip standpoint, though? It’s 24k gold. Miranda Kerr reportedly cheated on husband Orlando Bloom with Justin Bieber a while back. And that is just so…ew. Really? Sweetie, you’re more than a decade older than him and you’re married to one of the hottest B-list actors on the planet. I guess it’s true that when people cheat, they cheat down. Selena Gomez is no stranger to getting screwed over by Justin either, and she and Orlando must have bonded over that while partying at a Las Vegas nightclub, because what else would a Disney Channel star have to talk about with a man who’s 16 years older than her? They were photographed getting very touchy-feely with each other, and we all know there’s no such thing as a sober Las Vegas hookup, right?
Scarlett Johansson and Benicio del Toro
Scarlett Johansson is one of the most beautiful women in the world, and Benicio del Toro…has his angles where he looks kinda good. Everyone knows that, besides the Golden Globes, the Oscars are the drunkest night of the year in Hollywood. So of course, that leads to drunken hookups. Back in 2004, Scarlett and Benicio reportedly had a drunken hookup in the elevator at the Chateau Marmont. Neither of them has confirmed it, but neither of them has denied it either. We’ll have to add elevator sex to our bucket list, because a quickie like that sounds kinda hot.
Scott Disick and Bella Thorne
Scott Disick is pretty much always drunk, so that means every hookup with Scott Disick is most likely a drunken hookup. But still, how random is it that he hooked up with Bella Thorne? Scott Disick and Bella Thorne had a drunken tryst at Cannes last year. It was pretty obvious from the paparazzi photos that they were all over each other and #whitegirlwasted. Bella denied hooking up with Scott, but we all know that based on the photographic evidence, that’s probably not true. Why else would you be holding hands outside of 1OAK, the club where celebrities and desperate basic bitches go just so they can be seen? We can’t believe we’re saying this, but this hookup makes us actually like Sofia and Scott together.
Liam Hemsworth and January Jones
Remember when Hollywood’s golden couple, Liam and Miley, first broke up? We try to forget because they’re so perfect for each other. But this was at the beginning of Miley’s wild stage—you know, when she would dry hump teddy bears on stage, barely wore any clothes, and would not keep her tongue inside her mouth? Towards the end of their relationship, Liam couldn’t keep his tongue inside his mouth either because he was busy at a Chateau Marmont party locking lips with January Jones. The party was sponsored by Grey Goose, so you know these two were definitely wasted. They were photographed leaving together, and that’s when the news broke that Miley and Liam were over. We’re glad she forgave him for cheating with January and we’re glad he forgave her for Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz.
Images: Giphy (3)