Once again, we open on Dominique recapping everything that’s going on in Paradise. There are like, 15 happy couples at this point, and Lacey is wearing a thong, because of course she is.
Dom: I don’t think anyone could come in and mess this up.
Jami: Have you heard of…BI PEOPLE?!?
Yep! From the people who brought the Lee Vs. Everyone Racism Dragging and Chris Harrison’s Middle School Sex Ed Lecture, we now give you: the sexuality spectrum!
Jami is here, she’s queer, and she’s ready to shake thi—oh she’s just gonna go on her date with Diggy. That was anti-climatic.
Diggy And Jaimi’s Date
Diggy and Jami begin where every first date begins, with a fun little game of “guess my race.”
The answer is “Black and Italian,” which Jami says often disappoints people. Things I learned today: Italian is considered a race. BRB while I update all my important legal documents and inform the cast of Jersey Shore.
Word to the wise: Don’t act disappointed when people tell you their race. Unless you’re looking for a job in the Trump Administration, in which case, you’re doing amazing, sweetie.
Oh good Lord, The Twins. Tweedle H and Tweedle PV are here to—you guessed it—shake things up.
I know these two don’t always speak in unison, but I always imagine them speaking in unison.
Twins (in unison): We are here to wreck some fucking homes.
They waste no time letting us know three things:
– They want Derek and Dean.
– They’re stupider than they’ve ever been before.
– Their presence on this Earth is surely God’s punishment against man for the crime of original sin.
Twin 1 (or is it Twin 2? Idk. It’s the one wearing red…) says the phrase “I won’t take no for an answer,” which is a lot for a show that just got done addressing a sexual assault scandal.
Amanda (aka Regina George if Regina George was 30 with a child and had no fucking business being the way she is) wastes no time telling the girls about the HILARIOUS “Scallop Fingers” joke that in no way reveals an obvious jealousy from the girls about the popularity of Christen
’s new boobs.
Now, I will say this again for the people in the back: Scallops. Are. Fucking. Good. Anyone who has shit to say about scallops can come find me.
Twin 1 (Blue Twin) asks Jack Stone, but you can tell she’s like, not jazzed about it.
Now we’re all thinking: is Dean stupid enough to go on a date with Red Twin?
Shockingly, Dean says no. Honestly, Dean could have 100% redeemed his shattered rep by telling her to fuck off and punting her into the sea, but instead he just turned a shade of red usually reserved for severe sunburns and nervous laughed himself into a coma as Red Twin grilled him. There was a moment there where I was legitimately concerned the awkwardness was going to make Dean explode.
The Red Woman
Melisandre Twin 2 then attempts to gain D-Lo’s permission for the date, in a thinly veiled attempt to break her. What Red Twin doesn’t realize is that D-Lo is far too hot and boring to be broken.
Red Twin: Can I go on a date with Dean?
Poor Red Twin. Now she has no one to date.
Red Twin: I’m not going on a date with Tickle Monster, I can tell you that!
Red Twin 20 Seconds Later: Hey Tickle Monster would you like to go on this date with me?
The Twins’ Date
Before The Twins go on their date, we’re treated to a very long, strange Wells bit where he calls Christen the “little scallop” and does a very bad Australian accent. Why is everyone so mean to Christen? I mean, I know why, but still.
Red Twin redeems herself momentarily by telling the Tickle Monster exactly what we all would hope to say to him if ever in his presence: “If you tickle me, I will fucking drop you to the ground.”
The Twins are trying desperately to signal to everyone that they are leagues above their dates, which might work when dealing with someone as low on the social totem pole as Tickle, but Jack Stone is not fucking having it. This man is a lawyer, and he’s already found
freshly implanted fake boobs love in Paradise. Jack Stone doesn’t need any of this shit.
Twins: Ugh, we’re SO above both of the people we’re going on dates with.
Jack Stone: Uh yeah I heard that; I’m not going on a date with you.
Robby yelling “But I didn’t do anything!” after the Twins scream “FUCK EVERYBODY HERE!” is the most me thing I’ve seen since I looked at myself in the mirror 20 seconds ago.
Watching Tickle Monster (who is sweating profusely, BTW) realize that he’s not going on a date after he probably had a few seconds of thinking he’d get to go on a three-way date with both of The Twins is one of the saddest things I’ve seen in a while, and that includes hurricane footage.
The Twins end their short tenure on BiP by wasting a fuckload of delicious scallops. In the immortal words of Kourtney Kardashian:
We end on a truly racist bit where Las Gemelas (that’s “twins” in Spanish) explain all the various things they know about Mexico. Next week is the finale, aka the Derek and Taylor engagement party. God save us all.