Giving wine for the holidays is the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, you like to get drunk alone? Here’s some wine. You need a date night with hubs? Here’s your bottle. Shit, did you forget to get a hostess gift for that party coming up and are going to re-gift this bottle I gave you? Whatever—respect.
But getting the right bottle—especially without help from the sometimes creepy sales guy at the wine store—can be a little difficult. Lucky for you, we scoured the internet and found 10 bottles of reds and whites (shit, even some sparkling) that you can get right off Amazon. Bless.
Clean, crisp, and $19? Sign me the fuck up. This white is lovely with seafood and white meat, so it’ll be great for your WASP housewife friends.
At only $15.99 and stellar reviews, this is a solid choice if your gift recipient is into reds. It goes perfectly with meat since it brings intense red berry and earthy notes to each glass.
Give this shit if you want to appear uber fancy without like, actually spending as if you’re fancy. Tell your recipient to serve this up with stuffed pasta, since this Italian red is like, literally made for carbs and cheese.
Need a hostess gift for a New Year’s party? This shit is only $16.99 and super well rated. Dry and crisp with notes of citrus, this shit is a fantastic gift to make people think you know anything about wine.
Is your recipient kind of weird but overly into wine? Buy them this $15 red blend. It has high acid but is well rounded with herbal and red fruit aromas. Gift it with a bar of dark chocolate and you’ll seem really in the know.
Malbecs are like, super trendy at the moment (I assume), and this is a super delish one for the $13 price tag. Goes nicely with grilled meat and roasted veggies and offers vanilla and hints of blueberry.
This white is described as bold and racy and, honestly, same. It’s also only $17, so you can even keep this bold racy shit for yourself for a lady’s night in.
If you need a wine to yourself that reminds you of the bubbly sweet shit you chugged in college, grab this. At only $20 and with a cool bottle to boot, you honestly need to stock up on this for impromptu girls’ nights.
Images: Guillermo Nolasco / Unsplash; Amazon (8)https://unsplash.com/photos/oC5NGvN3FOo
Shopping for Father’s Day is stupidly difficult. If you’re wanting to skip the “fun” mugs, ties, and yard tools, wtf else is it that a dad wants?! Like us, most dads love booze. Whether they like to get weird with tequila or are happy cracking open a craft beer, most dads just want to be left the fuck alone to drink and grill with some goddamn peace and quiet. I can respect that.
So, this Father’s Day, don’t fuck up by getting a chocolate hammer and “No. 1 Dad” mug for the fourth year in a row. We’ve rounded up top contenders in all the booze categories to make this a bitchin’ (and drunk) Father’s Day.
1. Red Wine
If dear old dad is into a nice glass of red wine for sippin’ at dinner, look for something that goes with literally everything. We like 2014 Cultivate Pinot Noir—a blend of grapes from several California regions that goes really well with red meat AND chocolate. It has tasting notes of everything from ripe red fruits to a touch of black tea. Sounds manly. Plus, it’s about $27, so it counts as a legit gift.
2. White Wine
If for some reason dad is into white wine (maybe red wine gives him heartburn or makes him angry), reach for something that blends well with shit like grilled chicken, spice, and seafood. Grab a Sauvignon Blanc since it isn’t especially sweet AND it keeps dad away from basic bitch territory like Chardonnay (shudder). We like 2015 Hawkes Bay Sauvignon Blanc cause it’s got a bitchin’ blend of acid and sweet with hints of citrus. Make sure dad knows to chill his wine and serve it with something Asian-inspired—like food from that Japanese place he loves so fucking much.
If dad is into bourbon, there are a few decent ones you need to be looking to buy. One is Bulleit Bourbon which, at 90 proof, is likely to give dad a
hangover Father’s Day he’ll never forget. The good thing about this shit is that it’s smoother than most bourbons since it’s 2/3 corn and 1/3 rye. It has mild spice and a littttle sweetness, perfect for drinking straight or mixing into whatever dad needs.
If daddy has an American Express Black Card and you get your pretentious betchiness from him, chances are he drinks Scotch. Bonus points if he does the flicky water thing and sips it in a Hannibal Lecter sort of way. Anyway, if you’re looking for a good but affordable Scotch for dear dad, try Chivas Regal 12 Year Old (Blended) or Bowmore Small Batch (Single Malt). Both are under $40 so you won’t break the bank, but they’re also recognized and awarded as super smooth with interesting flavor profiles. If you’re dad’s into Irish whiskey (I know it’s not the same as Scotch, fight me), get him a bottle of Bushmills Red Bush. It’s distilled in bourbon casks for a well-rounded yet versatile flavor profile.
So if you’re Russian or something, dad probably likes his vodka. Is that profiling? Whatever. Anyway, if you’re ready to drop about $40 on good, organic vodka, try Purity Vodka. It’s made in Sweden or something and has a really clean taste with notes of vanilla and pepper not usually in vodka. Definitely a step up from Dubra and Smirnoff.
Is dad a psychopath who enjoys gin? Is this where you got your psycho tendencies from? Great! Picking a good gin is NOT as simple as grabbing a bottle of Bombay (stop). Look for something decent like The Botanist. It doesn’t taste quite as much like a cleaning solution and focuses on a niiiiice peppery kick. Plus it’s only like $40 so you can’t afford NOT to get it. Or if you want to trick Dad into thinking you spent a lot of money on his gift as penance for maxing out his credit card again or something (speaking for a friend), pick up some Sipsmith London Dry Gin. It’s made in London (and therefore automatically classy) and it has a dry finish with spicy notes of juniper and a hint of lemon tart. Dry, spicy, then tart—kind of like dad. Too corny? Sry.
Are you looking to splurge? Tequila makes us crazy, so if you want to blow dad away for Father’s Day and try to make him forget that time you totaled his car, opt for the Avion Reserva 44, which clocks in about $150. It’s super rich, aged, and has a really unique taste. If all you’ve been drinking is Jose, you won’t know what planet this shit is from.
8. Craft Beer
If dad is a simple man who just wants to be left alone with a beer, give him the gift his heart desires (and then leave him tf alone). There are literally millions of craft beers out there, so head to Trader Joe’s, grab an empty six pack, and start putting together a tasting you think dad would like. Like, any asshole can grab a case of Sam Adams—it’ll just mean SO MUCH that you took the time to put that shit together. You’re such a great daughter.
There are holidays that every betch regularly celebrates: New Year’s Eve, Skanksgiving, any religious holiday we can use to get out of work, etc. These holidays ensure a chance to drink to the point of near liver failure, or serve merely as an excuse to Day Drink. TBH these days, a new episode of The Bachelor is one hundo p a reason to celebrate with a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc. But if you want don’t want to be labeled as an alcoholic by your friends/family/therapist there are actually days to drink with less shame. They may be completely arbitrary and fake holidays, however, that you need to add to your calendar like, yesterday, because they all involve wine. And anything that involves wine is a great fucking reason to celebrate. Jot down the dates of these official wine holidays, and stock up on your wine in preparation.
We would also just like to point out that just because many of these holidays celebrate a specific wine doesn’t mean that you necessarily have to follow it to a T. Like, if you don’t want to drink red wine on National Red Wine Day because it falls on August 28th and what kind of monster drinks red wine in the summer, we’re not going to judge you. So long as you celebrate with some type of fermented grape, you’re doing the right thing.
February 18: National Drink Wine Day
We just missed this one (sad!), but mark it for next year. Any holiday that’s dedicated to drinking wine specifically—as opposed to swirling it around in your glass and pretending to know shit about it, I guess—is an automatic yes in our books. Is “National Drink Wine Day” basically just every Monday night for me? Maybe, but who asked you, mom?
April 24: Sauvignon Blanc Day
Good for all of you Kim Crawford lovers out there. Sauvignon Blanc Day was created in 2010 specifically to encourage consumption of this delicious white wine. So, drink up.
May 9: World Moscato Day
This holiday is even newer, with its humble beginnings originating in 2012. This holiday was actually founded by a winery (Gallo Family Vineyards) and its moscato production has risen 2 percent since. So yeah, another great holiday (and marketing ploy). But we’re not mad. Maybe call out of work the next day so you can tend to your inevitable sugar hangover.
May 25: National Wine Day
If you don’t know what a holiday called “National Wine Day” entails, you definitely can’t fucking sit with us.
May 26: National Chardonnay Day
A personal favorite, this floating holiday is designed for you to celebrate it in tandem with Memorial Day. So break out the Kendall Jackson and get ready to spend a weekend drowning in wine. For the troops—or whatever Memorial Day celebrates.
June 11 (and/or/and August 14th): National Rosé Wine Day
Rosé all fucking day. A wine so special, it deserves two dates for optimal celebration.
Will You Accept This Rosé? Buy our rosé tank here!
July 25: National Wine and Cheese Day
Wine and cheese: the greatest food pairing in the history of time (it’s a scientific fact). Naturally, this is a great excuse to eat all of the cheese and chase it with all of the wine. Just don’t do it in that fucking gross cheese-y wine shooter. Buy some brie like a goddamn adult.
August 4: National White Wine Day
Moscato, Pinot Grigio, Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc. The more, the merrier to celebrate.
August 28: National Red Wine Day
We really don’t discriminate against any varietal of wine, even if it’s not exactly seasonally appropriate.
November 4: National Wine Tasting Day
How does this differ from National Drink Wine Day? I really have no clue, but then again, why am I complaining? Carry on, nothing to see here.
November 7: International Merlot Day
This one is going global. Around the world, raise your glass to all of our alcoholic soul sisters. Then, pour one out for them because apparently America is the only country that gets not one, but 13 ways to celebrate our favorite drink.
December 31: Champagne Day
Definitely not a coincidence this falls on New Years Eve. Now we just have to get national boozy brunch day to become a thing…