I’ve always had a hard time remembering that reality stars don’t live in their own little world on my TV, ready and willing to embarrass themselves at the touch of my on-demand button. They are, in fact, real people out there bringing shame to their family name by blacking out, crapping their pants, and hooking up with inappropriate partners on national television. Now, instead of just sliding into the orifices DMs of former castmates of their own show *cough* Colton *cough*, many reality stars are branching out and swapping STDs with cast members of other reality shows. It’s like a Grey’s Anatomy/Private Practice crossover episode, except no one here is smart enough to be a doctor. If this is modern love, you can just send me straight to hell right now.

This all came to my attention last week when Nick Viall’s most suspiciously low-key Danielle, Danielle M, was cheated on by her boyfriend Paulie Calafiore from Big Brother with Cara Maria from The Challenge. Mind. Blown. We’ll get back to them in a minute. This relationship inspired me to take a look at what other reality stars are crossing the boundaries of their own shows and have hooked up with your favorite reality stars from other shows. This is a tangled web they’re all weaving, so settle in while I make a sad attempt to unravel this jumble of abandoned DNA and lies.

Danielle M/Paulie Calafiore/Cara Maria

First, I’d be remiss if I did not mention the multitude of adult men on reality TV named Pauly/ie. I’m now suspicious of grown men with this name. I’m not saying that means they are all going to be immature man-babies, but I’m not not saying that, you know?

So apparently this Paulie is from Big Brother, which I have never seen. I have enough of a reminder that big brother is watching me every single day when my deepest darkest thoughts that I’ve never confessed to a soul appear as an ad on my Instagram feed. But, I do know Paulie from the absolute dumpster fire that is Ex On The Beach, where it was revealed that he previously cheated on his girlfriend Lexi. What a charmer. Apparently Paulie has been dating Danielle M since January, and then was cast on The Challenge: The Final Reckoning, where he met Cara Maria and immediately lost all sense of human decency. He recently went on a Twitter rant claiming “For now I can’t be monogamous to one person, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work, I love women, I have a lot of female friends and sometimes I fall for multiple at a time for different reasons whether it’s the sex or the energy shared between the two of us. I try to be faithful but I can’t.” Paulie. You’re fucking canceled. 

Cory Wharton From The Challenge And Multiple Ladies Of Are You The One?

In this big, scary world that’s always changing, there is one thing we can always count on: if it walks and it talks, Cory Wharton will stick his dick in it. Not only has Cory hooked up with many ladies on his own show, The Challenge, but now he’s working his way through the castmates of Are You The One? like he’ll get a free T-shirt if he bones them all. I hope they have his size left when he’s done!

When Cory appeared on The Challenge: Vendettas last season, he brought along his new girlfriend, Alicia from Are You The One?. This all happened after Cory revealed that he had a baby, Ryder, with Cheyenne Floyd, also from Are You The One?. Cory’s Instagram is private because he’s safer about social media than he is about sex, so unfortunately we don’t have many pictures of him being a great dad. Sad!

But wait, the plot thickens. Cory showed up on Ex On The Beach, revealing that he and Alicia broke up—but don’t fret, because he quickly found comfort in Taylor’s vagina. When I last watched Ex On The Beach, Cory was debating going back to Alicia, and I guess we’ll never know what happens because I deleted that trash show from my DVR when I realized I was not a prisoner of war and didn’t actually have to be subjected to torture. If you’re still subjecting yourself to the on-screen version of waterboarding, hit me up in the comments and let me know how this one turns out for Cory.  

Shep Rose/Stacy London/Jaclyn Shuman

Do you all watch Southern Charm? I recently discovered how great it is after years of endlessly mocking the friend that one time had the gall to say I should try it. Sorry for damaging your emotional wellbeing for no reason, Nita! Send me a bill for your therapy sessions, and I will gladly take a look at it before I throw it in the trash. Anyway, Southern Charm is great. There’s gorgeous real estate, convicted felons who think they should run for national office, and Patricia, Queen of the South. And, of course, there is the real life Peter Pan without tights, Shep Rose. I’ve only watched the first two seasons, but boy do I have a crush on Shep circa 2016. If he has a girlfriend now, keep your damn mouth shut and let me have my dream.

Our boy Shep has had a few inter-show relationships, including one with Stacy London from What Not To Wear, aka my own personal Jesus. Cameran Eubanks claimed that Shep and Stacy made out in a bathroom, and while I may not support the location of this hookup because of germs, I fully support this duo. Stacy knows how to dress for her body, and she should go out there and get it. If only this relationship had lasted, I would maybe be willing to let go of my beloved Shep. But ONLY for Stacy.

Showing my newest New York friend @stacylondonreal the @palacehotelchs she's too polite to say it, but I suspect she thinks everything I own is What Not To Wear. #lovelustrun #whynotallthree ?

A post shared by Shep Rose (@relationshep) on Jan 3, 2016 at 2:30pm PST

Shep has also apparently hooked up with Jaclyn Shuman, a second-tier castmate on the poor man’s Vanderpump Rules, Summer House. All I really remember about Jaclyn is that she was a “fit model” which basically means her face isn’t weird enough to be an actual model but she’s starved herself to a point where they’ve rewarded her with a job. Next time at least save it for a Wirkus twin, Sheppie. They get top billing.

Well, that was exhausting and I’m just writing about these hookups. I can only imagine how tiring it all is for Cory. If you all know any other reality star relationships that I can stalk during work hours on my lunch break, do tell!

Images: Giphy (2); @relationshep/instagram

I had a lot of feelings about Sarah Hyland and Wells Adams’ relationship. Feelings like, “Ugh, jealous” and, “They both love dogs—they are so cute, I love them,” and more recently, (since I follow both of the on Instagram) “Okay, that’s a bit much”. But most importantly, I felt that their pairing must be an anomaly. Because Wells is far superior to anyone that has ever been a contestant on The Bachelor franchise, so he should be the only one who will ever date a real life celebrity who is actually talented. But with the news of Nick Viall and January Jones’ extremely random pairing, I am legit worried that Bachelor contestants dating celebrities is going to be like, a thing.

Before I explain how this will ruin my chances of ever getting with Wells the show, I will say this: I am here for the whole “stars, they’re just like us” aspect of this sitch. Honestly, I feel really close to any actress that goes on late night television and talks about her love for The Bachelor. Like, we should be friends, girl. Let’s combine fantasy leagues. But A-list actresses dating the contestants? That’s just, in the words of Andi Dorfman, not okay. And let me tell you why.

Shit’s Just Not Fair

As if it’s not enough that the female contestants have to compete with 20+ other wannabe Instagram models gorgeous women for a mediocre man’s affection, now they have to worry about getting engaged, only to be dumped for a hot celebrity with way more followers than them? Like, what the fuck is the point of battling it out against the Krystal’s of the world when you know you will just have to fight the January’s once you get that Neil Lane diamond?

On the other hand, I would LOVE to see an all-Bachelor-superfan celebrity cast: Amy Schumer, Lea Michele, Jennifer Aniston, and Jennifer Lawrence re-interrupting each other for time with someone equally as lame as Arie. Brb, pitching the idea to Mike Fleiss.

Literally No One Will Be There To Find Love

The idea that being on The Bachelor/The Bachelorette can be a gateway drug to award show red carpets is dangerous for the franchise’s dedication to true love. I mean seriously—proof that they can get legit famous (by proxy) will only further encourage fame-seekers to audition for the show. The more ex-contestant/current celebrity couples we get, the less authentic the franchise will become. And if love doesn’t exist on The Bachelor, then does it even exist at all?

Jk, who am I kidding—the franchise broke up with authenticity years ago. Can’t wait to see Arie and like, fucking Brie Larson at the Golden Globes next year.

Listen to us talk shit about The Bachelor on our new podcast, The Betchelor!

Bachelor Nation’s favorite non-Bachelor, Wells Adams, is being linked to Sarah Hyland. She’s the actress that plays the Dunphy daughter that isn’t Ariel Winter. You know, the one that’s significantly less of a thirst trap in real life. Side note: are we still saying thirst trap? IDK, but it fits, so I’m going with it.

So anyway, Wells hinted at an L.A.-based love affair on an episode of his podcast with a lesser-known Cyrus sister, Brandi. He admitted to “talking to” someone who lived in L.A. Like, same Wells. We’re basically all “talking to” someone in L.A., that doesn’t mean it’s an actual thing.

Now we have a pretty good idea who that L.A. lover is, thanks to some Insta photos from the weekend.

 

11 hangin’ out with a 10 #strangerthings

A post shared by Wells Adams (@wellsadams) on

Oct 29, 2017 at 3:05pm PDT

Sarah Hyland posed with Wells as characters from Stranger Things. He captioned the pic “11 hangin’ out with a 10” which is actually a fucking brilliant caption and really adorable.

Sorry if this seems super sappy, but, like, it’s kind of hard to hate on America’s favorite reality show bartender. I mean, how could you not just die when he kissed Danielle M. before she left Paradise? He’s cute, he’s funny, he’s sweet, he knows his way around puppets. What’s not to love?

Super creepy internet sleuths, not unlike myself, have been tracking correspondence between Sarah and Wells for a while now. The two have been @-ing each other since at least April.

Now it’s IG official. Like, seriously good for him for getting out of the incestuous cesspool that is The Bachelor/ette dating world. We’re all rooting for you, Wells. 

This year was the 69th Primetime Emmy Awards and if you think I’m not going to take this opportunity to LOL like a 13-year-old boy at the number 69 and talk shit about the red carpet looks, you probably stumbled upon this website by mistake. Everyone knows that actually watching the Emmys is kind of pointless, because we’re all just going to root for the one show we’ve actually watched (why isn’t there a Housewives category? So rude) and then be disappointed when some more serious, adult-y show wins instead. Anyway, let’s rip some outfits apart—and, I guess, give credit to the ones that weren’s heinous.

THE WORST

Mandy Moore

The only possible explanation for this dress is that Mandy wants people to make memes of her. Which like, I get, because normally she’s perfect and there’d be no reason to turn her into a meme. I’m sure there are going to be some diehard fashion betches who will try to defend this Carolina Herrera gown, but there’s nothing you could tell me that will see this dress as anything but a lampshade.

Samantha Bee

Samantha Bee actually looks pretty fantastic, but my brain accidentally made the connection that this dress looks like it’s straight out of Princess Fiona’s closet and now that’s all I can think about so… sorry, I guess.

Zoe Kravitz

You know that picture you’ve had saved on your Halloween Pinterest board since 2014 of that girl dressed like a piñata that you thought was totally doable and creative? But like, you never actually tried to make the costume because you’re too lazy to do anything besides throw on some cat ears and a bodycon dress? Well, this Christian Dior gown is that costume. Generally speaking, if I can hear a dress just by looking at a photo of it, it’s a no from me.

Sarah Hyland

Sarah Hyland is totally that betch who runs to Starbucks the second Pumpkin Spice Lattes are released just for the Instagram. Like, we get it. Fall is awesome. No need to rock a dress that looks like it was made from the same material that every kindergarten teacher uses for their back to school bulletin boards. Her abs look dope though. PM me your workout.

Gabrielle Union

I’m confused. I think this is the same dress my mom wore to my bat mitzvah? I think I see a gown that I could potentially be super into, but it’s underneath a fugly cape so I’m not totally sure. 

Evan Rachel Wood

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good pantsuit as much as the next girl. But I feel like Evan Rachel Wood’s Jeremy Scott ensemble was going for “Hillary Clinton at the third presidential debate” but ended up at “cater waiter”. Like yes, I would love a bacon-wrapped scallop, thank you, but that’s not the point.

THE BEST

Millie Bobby Brown

If there’s one person who hit the Emmys red carpet that can do no wrong, it’s Millie Bobby Brown. I know that she’s only 13, but she’s already basically a fashion icon. Like, when nobody else has their shit together, MBB rolls up in the cutest Calvin Klein dress of all time and puts the world to shame. She might not have won to break the record for youngest Emmy winner ever, but she’s prob the youngest HBIC I’ve ever seen. 

Shailene Woodley

If there are two things I feel the most “eh” about in this world, it’s green dresses and Shailene Woodley. Except, for some reason, I’m loving Shailene Woodley in this green dress. I’m not sure if I’m so into this look because I actually like it, or if it has something to do with homegirl literally showing up to the Primetime Emmys in a messy ponytail and being like “yeah I don’t even own a TV.” Giving zero fucks looks good on you, Woodley. 

Priyanka Chopra

It’s nearly impossible to wear Balmain without looking like a Kardashian/Jenner wannabe, but Priyanka looks so amazing in this gown that I momentarily forgot that the Kardashians even exist. It’s almost like I feel as though I shouldn’t compliment anyone else’s look because obviously it’s not as perfect as Priyanka’s.

Jessica Lange

I’m still really salty that Jessica Lange isn’t on this season of American Horror Story, so I’m going to throw her on this list to give her a little face time. Jessica Lange is one of those people who makes you feel stupid for complaining about how bad your hangovers are at age 25, because she’s literally the same age as your grandmother and still slays in Gucci whenever she feels like it. But like, not sure what’s going on with that stray arm, though—she’s just like, dangling it out there in almost all of her pictures. Google it if you don’t believe me. Jessica, pls advise.