On last week’s episode of Jersey Shore, The Situation revealed that he wanted to propose to his girlfriend Lauren. Understandably, he’d like to lock her down before he gets locked up. And what do ya know, the next day US Weekly exclusively revealed that the Situation is engaged! What surprising and fortuitous timing. After hearing the Sitch’s engagement announcement I got to thinking about the rest of the castmates relationships post-filming. Did Ronnie’s baby mama castrate him for swapping STD’s with a rando who wears her nipples as an accessory? Is Sammi still happily dating her new guido? And most importantly, has Vinny ditched that skinny girl from the premiere so we can finally be together? Let’s investigate!
As mentioned above, The Situation is officially engaged. US Weekly blessed us with photos from their engagement, so head on over there if you’d like to throw up a little in your mouth. Apparently he proposed on Valentine’s Day in Miami, and chose a 3-carat cushion cut diamond in an 18-karat rose gold setting that cost him *wait for it* $65,000!
The IRS after reading this article:
Way to lie low, Mike. Don’t you think with the threat of incarceration looming perhaps you should be less obvious about the money you stole from the government? Just a thought from a bitchy but law-abiding citizen over here. I mean whatever, enjoy your prison chapel wedding I guess. At least we know orange is a flattering color on the Sitch!
After watching Ronnie fondle a woman dressed in one large fishnet stocking, I thought for sure his relationship was over. But his social media has been mostly normal posts about the show and his new daughter, Ariana, and I hadn’t read any hospital reports about meatheads being admitted after their girlfriend attempted to cut their dick off. I assumed all was well.
But friends, all you must do is ask nicely and the universe will deliver. Yesterday, Ronnie and his baby mama Jen got INTO it over social media. Ronnie accused her of keeping sex tapes of another guy and refusing to delete them. And Jen said “Can’t turn a cokehead into a father!!” So clearly they’re having problems, huh? I wish someone would be able to break through all the cocaine and steroids and get through to Ronnie to let him know things on the internet live forever. Poor little Ariana Sky is going to stumble across this one day, and wasn’t it bad enough that she’ll learn on a Jersey Shore rerun she only exists because her dad thinks pulling out is an effective birth control method? Hopefully she’ll be pretty because with these parents she sure ain’t gonna be smart.
As Ronnie said on the first episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, “I’ll always be a shitty boyfriend and a shitty husband, but I’ll never be a shitty dad.” And while I don’t believe that last part is true, he sure did prove himself right on the first part.
Even though Sammi is not on the show, her presence still looms large in the form of a partially dressed sex doll that Ronnie verbally abuses everyday. It looks like she is very happy with her replacement Ron, whose name I have not seen but whose chest I could now pick out of very strange police lineup.
She looks happy and like the PTSD has faded, so I truly hope she hasn’t seen Ron’s coked up drunken confession of love and question herself. Stay strong, sister!
And finally, I’d be remiss if I did not investigate the relationship of everyone’s favorite Keto Guido, my boy Vin. When we saw him in the premiere, Vinny introduced us to “Instagram Model” Elicea Shyann, who definitely never ate Sunday dinner at the Guadagnino house.
But, I have good news for all the Vinny groupies out there: he announced to Entertainment Tonight that they have broken up! Hooray! Vinny blamed the lack of access to technology while filming Family Vacation and the stress of long-distance. And I guess writing letters is not an option for the illiterate. Sad! Anyways, Vinny, I’m willing to give us a shot if you’re willing to venture off Staten Island. I’m not fucking going there. No offense, sweetie!
So there you have it! They all got their happily ever afters. And by happily ever afters, I mean the trash futures they absolutely deserved. If you all need me, I’ll just be over here waiting for Vinny’s call.
Update: Ronnie and his girlfriend are now broken up. Probably for the best.
Images: Giphy (2); Instagram, Sammisweetheart (2); Instagram, vinnyguadagnino; Author (1)
Last night was an array of emotions for me. First, I was watching the intellectually stimulating Game of Thrones, then I was watching 5 leather beanpoles stroll the pier of the Jersey Shore again. Get you a girl who can do both.
We start out the show with lifelong train wreck, Mike “The Situation”, introducing us to the reunion special. The Situation needs to situate himself in the gym, for real.
He talks about how it’s been 5 years since Jersey Shore—the show about unemployable Italian people getting lost on a beach that’s a mile long—aka his peak.
He’s like “the last five years have not been cool, I’ve had to face the consequences of all my decisions and that’s just not what I signed up for.” Sounds like post-grad life.
He says he still lives the GTL life but his chubby cheeks say that he really lives the BLT life.
He introduces us to his girlfriend and they start making out at the barbershop.
The Barber as The Situation sucks face with his gf in the chair:
Mike has basically lost touch with all the cast because he took that pill addiction we all had in college way too far and ended up in rehab. Twice. The Situation says he’s nervous they won’t want to talk to him and his girlfriend reassures him that all his friends love him still, which is a really weird way of saying “they’re going to be making money from this, they wouldn’t miss it.”
He goes to pick up Snooki, a living legend. Snooks is like “I was a mess, but I’m so changed and mature now” as she downs Pinot Grigio while holding a baby at 11am.
Her husband must be really outdoorsy because Snooki’s lips are like small mountains. He’s gotta put on some hiking gear just to make out with her, damn.
Mike doesn’t even get out of the car to reunite with his old friend. He just honks the horn outside of her house like Karen, the lady who used to drive the carpool to soccer practice.
Within three seconds of getting in the car, Snooki forgets what day it is, doubles up on birth control pills and asks Mike how many women he’s fucked. I don’t call them “living legends” for nothing.
Snooki: Mike, are you going to jail ?
They go to get Pauly D, who is living his best life as a bottom-tier DJ at shitty nightclubs in Miami.
Pauly is apparently still into GTL too and could damn near audition for the part of Tracy Turnblad with the amount of hairspray he uses. No one light a match within 100 feet of this dude.
Pauly’s girlfriend is Aubrey O’Day from Famously Single/that band Diddy made one time and they talk about how she is super hot and dislikes how Pauly D probably cheats on her. The usual relationship woes.
They start talking about Ronnie and how he is a huge piece of shit now that the Kardashians made Malika dump him. Because the Kardashians have an iron grip on E! Network’s balls, Ronnie will not be attending this reunion. Sorry Ronnie, you can try Sears.
JWoww is next to be picked up by this shitty bus. She explains about how she is a “girl boss” running a blog and it’s like, hmmm take a number.
They are all in the car and I wonder how fucking badly it smells in there of spray tans, gaudy perfume and axe body spray.
They all are excited to go back to Seaside, but Mike lets them know that they were legitimately banned from the whole town. Seaside has taken a stronger stance against guidos then Trump did against Nazis. What a time to be alive.
They go to the one restaurant on the shore that will allow them back and Sammi Sweetheart meets up with them. She’s like “hopefully this is a great reunion and we all make out.” Yup, that’ll really be a productive way to catch up.
Sammi is a not a regular podcaster, she’s a cool podcaster who is totally not crazy and fucking obsessed with the new guy she’s dating.
They ask Sammi about Ronnie and she’s like “STAAAHPPP” and says she doesn’t wanna talk about him. Well, okay this was fun.
Discussions ensue about threesomes, foursomes, and gross things they did on the shore, and I consider calling my parents up and asking why they allowed me to watch this shit as a youth.
In the surprise twist no one saw coming, we find out that all of them have gotten botox and all the girls have gotten boob jobs. This is episode is actually going to be on Botched too, if you missed it.
SAMMI: I got a boob job
After ogling each other’s balloon sized tits and faces made of rubber, they start reminiscing on the time Mike knocked himself out on a concrete wall. He’s like “that was a dark time for me”. And he means that literally because he gave himself a fucking concussion from fighting a wall and had to sit in a dark room for a number of days.
The girls also reveal that MTV, the usually morally upstanding television network, used to make them watch old episodes and get riled up so they could fight each other. I see you, MTV.
They talk about Mike possibly going to jail and he’s really scared because he’ll only get the “G” and the “L”—where’s the T going to come from, dammit?
The group decides to be supportive of Mike’s sobriety and take a nice big shot in his honor. Nailed it.
They go walk around the shore, basking in their D-list glory, expertly avoiding any conversation about Vinny, Deena or Angelina. And then, they leave? The fuck kind of road trip is this? This is more of a field trip! And I’ve had way more dramatic field trips before. This is not what I signed up for when my daddy started paying for my cable.