Presented by Plan B One Step
Is there anything millennials fear more than emotional intimacy? *Does an audit of my entire life thus far* Definitely not. There’s nothing more grave than the pit you get in your stomach the moment you send someone a “we need to talk” text. Except, I guess, the pit you get in your stomach when you have a birth control slip-up, like a condom breaking. As someone who used to agonize for days over what to wear for a casual night at the bar I knew I would only spend two hours at, making the decision to take Plan B after a night of failed birth control was…nerve-wracking, to say the least, when I did it the first time. I’d heard all the misconceptions, like that it has a bunch of side effects, and that it would f*ck up my ability to get pregnant later on—which is not something I want to do (even if I don’t want to get pregnant right now). But we live in the age of the internet, which means that instead of anxiety-texting an itemized list of those worries, I just went online to learn more and realized how misguided I was. Plan B’s main ingredient has been used in birth control pills for decades, and taking it won’t mess with your fertility. I also learned that Plan B won’t hurt my chances of becoming pregnant later on; it temporarily delays the release of an egg from the ovary after taking the pill so I don’t get pregnant right now.
So, the process of taking Plan B was not intimidating for me at all, since I knew the facts. I took it right away (by the way, you have 72 hours to take it, but the sooner you take it the better it works) and then I went about my normal life—without getting pregnant. Thank goodness. Which got me thinking: of all the things to be nervous about, taking Plan B after the condom breaks or accidentally skipping a pill or another kind of birth control slip-up shouldn’t be one of them. Not when there are plenty of other more anxiety-inducing issues that pop up in life, like…
1. Having A “What Are We?” Talk
I would so much rather walk up to a checkout counter, hand them a credit card, and take one pill than actually have to do the whole “what are we doing?” song and dance with whoever I’ve been seeing (in a fantasy world in which I am actually dating). What’s the worst that can happen, you ask? Uhm, crushing rejection? An ambiguous answer that will keep you on the same cycle of non-commitment that you’ve been in for the last six months? No, thanks.
2. Meeting The Parents
You could be a doctor who won the Nobel Prize and moonlights as a supermodel, and meeting the parents would still be stressful af. There are the obvious what-ifs: they don’t like you, you accidentally offend them somehow and because of that, they don’t like you, you have something stuck in your teeth so they think you have poor dental hygiene and don’t like you…Sensing a theme here?
3. Actually Cooking For Myself
“It’s easy!” they say. “Just follow the recipe!”As someone who regularly f*cks up hard boiled eggs because I get absorbed in another task while waiting for the water to boil, cooking for myself is easier said than done. There’s a lot that can go wrong when attempting to cook, and that’s not even counting the very real probability that the food can come out bad. Like, I could burn myself. Burn down my apartment. Chop off a finger. Chop off a limb—you get the idea. Better to leave it to the professionals (I say as I hit “check out” on Seamless for the third time today).
4. Doing An Exercise Video…
…and I mean actually doing it, not just laying on the floor. I know, the horror! Workout classes are supposed to reduce stress (and sure, I feel better afterwards), but the actual process of doing the class is often anything but stress-free. I never know what’s going on, and I feel like everyone else in the class had a meeting beforehand to nail down all the movements and flow and I missed it. What comes after burpees again? Plus, while everyone else looks like they’re going on a leisurely stroll through the park, I am huffing and puffing and pouring sweat from the face. I don’t think I’ve ever completed a workout class not wondering WTF was wrong with me… and that’s why I’d rather just lay on my mat, pretending to do the work.
5. Trying On Your Jeans For The First Time In Six Months
If you’ve been wearing pants with an actual button or fly during this period where nobody has anywhere to go, I’m not sure if I should be scared or impressed. Actually, I’m going to go with terrified, because nobody with that much discipline can be trusted, as far as I’m concerned. For the rest of us who have spent the past five or so months sitting on the couch in leggings, convincing ourselves that chips are a balanced meal, the time when we’ll have to put on jeans again is definitely not something any of us are looking forward to. Better to just throw the jeans away than deal with that stress, IMO.
As you can see, there are plenty of other potential issues you can encounter that are way more stressful than taking Plan B when you don’t have the facts. If you have birth control failure or unprotected sex and need to take emergency contraception, you can rest assured knowing that Plan B is the #1 ob/gyn recommended emergency contraception brand, and that it helps prevent pregnancy when taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex or birth control failure. It’s not an abortion pill, but it does help prevent pregnancy before it starts by delaying ovulation (no egg + no fertilization = no pregnancy). You can get Plan B at all major retail stores (like Target, Walgreens, CVS, or Rite Aid), without a prescription—just look in the family planning aisle. No prescription, ID, or age requirement. You got this!
Image: jeshoots.com / Unsplash
Like so many things that are *supposed* to be fun, shower sex is soooo overrated. It’s right up there with sex on the beach. The only people who like these things are people who haven’t actually done them. There are places sand should not go, people. Tons of movies have shower sex scenes that make it look steamy and sexy, but IRL, things just never work out that way. Hollywood, quit trying to sell having sex in a confined box as attractive. Looking at you, Titanic (car sex is also just inconvenient—they obvi cut out the part where Rose got a leg cramp and Jack finished in two minutes). Also, anyone gross enough to join the Mile High Club in a dirty airplane bathroom knows that it’s about saying you did it, not because your 30-seconds of sex was actually enjoyable. Unless of course, you’re Lala Kent with a PJ, then that seems more reasonable. Let’s stop pretending these things are fun. Here are all the reasons why shower sex is probably better left in the movies.
Most showers are not even equipped to handle two people, much less two people…doing things with each other. Where will you stand? How will you stand? Is there a height difference, because if so, you’re f*cked (but probs not going to get f*cked)? Unless the shower is a tub combo, there isn’t even a decent place to shave your legs! How will you balance? Inevitably, you will end up uncomfortable and probably with muscle strain, if not an actual injury.
Accurate depiction of shower sex, including the face of dissatisfaction:
Too Hot Or Cold
I can only be happy in the shower if I’m essentially being boiled alive. I don’t know why. Does it feel like liquid fire? NOT HOT ENOUGH YET. Either way, there is never enough water for both of you, especially if you live in a sh*tty apartment with zero water pressure. One of you will be too hot (not me, ever) and the other will be standing off to the side freezing to death. Fun!
Lube Doesn’t Work
5 in 1 shampoo be like: body wash, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste and lube
— ??? ??? (@jnudey) April 15, 2019
As my friend put it, somehow “water makes things less wet”. Fact. If your natural lube is washed away, you can’t even effectively add lube without the same problem. Cool, so you’re in an awkward pose, in the cold, and now you’re chafing. Lovely. Nothing like a rug burn on your genitals. Plus, this puts you at risk for sex injuries.
Condoms Are Less Effective
Condoms are more likely to break due to the friction and no lube (see above), or just slip right off. Nothing like ruining sex with the possibility of having a child to ruin your entire life. Oh? You thought shower sex would be fun? Here’s 18 years of money-sucking hell and not being able to leave your home without paying someone to babysit! I should really teach a sex ed class, I think I’d be amazing at it. YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE.
fell and hit my head in the shower and had to be rescued stark naked by my dad. what did i do in a past life honestly i’m done
— sophie (@sophielmg) April 24, 2019
This comes off the awkward positioning issue. Slippage. Let’s say you find a position that works. What if your foot slides? What if you fall over? Is he trying to hold you up, because that’s probs gonna be a serious injury risk? Let’s say he slips and misses. That, my friends, is how you break a dick. Slipping in the tub/shower kills more people than sharks, *fun fact*, so maybe just have sex on the bed like a normal person, and don’t risk your life while doing it.
Even if you have waterproof makeup on, you’re probably going to somehow be waterboarded in your attempt to make this work. Nothing is more attractive as having makeup running all down your face. This NEVER happens in the movies, but you don’t look cute in the shower, sorry. And you’ll emerge a scary monster and blame yourself for his not being able to perform.
Can’t Actually Shower
Can someone else confirm that girls have 3 types of showers; a “quick body wash”, a “hair and body shower” and then a proper “exfoliate shave, moisturise, hair mask, face mask, singalong” like it just DEPENDS ON THE TIME AND OCCASION
— Gracey O'Connell ⚡️ (@GraceyOConnell) May 16, 2018
Look, I’m in the shower to get clean and clear my thoughts for 20-40 minutes. You would either have to shower before, or kick the other person out to shower afterwards. What’s the point? Like, I need to wash my hair (or wear a shower cap–not cute), deep condition, wash, exfoliate, wash my face, maybe do a face mask, shave, and then moisturize. It is a process. Now I have to schedule time to be dissatisfied AND do all this too? It’s completely pointless, and I have sh*t to do. And any attempt to do these things in a sexy way mostly results in getting shampoo in your eyes, or again, waterboarded.
So, while shower sex looks fun when your favorite movie stars are doing it, it’s just not practical. We’ve probably all tried it once out of sheer curiosity/horniness, but it’s really not worth it. Stick to dry land, and you’ll be both safer and happier.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4); @jnudey, @sophielmg, @graceyoconnell / Twitter
A lot of women forgo lube in their sexual exploits, and I hate to be the one to tell you, but you’re doing it wrong. It’s not just for old, dried up, menopausal women. Lube prevents injury, makes sex more enjoyable, and assists you in more complicated positions. If you’re stressed, old, taking certain meds, or your estrogen levels are fucked up (like around your period), lube can help you out. Also, if you married rich but the guy’s gross, lube will be your best friend (aside from spiking his spaghetti sauce with an Ambien to avoid the issue altogether). There are so many different kinds of lube, so here is what to use.
Water-based lube is a favorite for many reasons: it’s effective, it’s easy to clean, it absorbs into the skin, and it is safe to use with condoms. It’s also less likely to irritate sensitive skin. This particular one is paraben-free, hypo-allergenic, and vegan. Perfect for fucking your favorite hippie.
Sliquid H20 Intimate Lube
Oil-based is only for people who aren’t using condoms, as the oil can cause rubber to deteriorate. It can also ruin rubber toys, so plan accordingly. But it’s easy to find and totally natural. My vag doctor recommends just using Vitamin E oil as lube—it’s cheap af and healthy for both you and your partner’s skin tissue. Plus, you can use it as a moisturizer beforehand.
Trader Joe’s Vitamin E Oil
Silicone lube is thicker, doesn’t absorb into the skin, and lasts longer. It washes off with soap and water, but it has the most staying power. It’s especially useful if you’re having water sex and need a boost. You just can’t use it with silicone-based toys.
Swiss Navy Silicone Lubricant
If you’re looking for something thicker, or if you’re like the super religious girls at my high school who insisted on only doing anal so that Jesus would be proud of them for not having vaginal sex before marriage (seriously, not a joke, what the fuck is wrong with people?), you need something heavy like Astroglide. This is a classic and is a favorite among the porn and BDSM communities, so you know this shit works. It’s also water-based, meaning you can use it with condoms. Which I hope to God you use, especially if you’re doing anal, because I’m assuming that can get really fucking disgusting very quickly.
Astroglide Gel Personal Lubricant
Images: Amazon (4)
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It’s summer so naturally large bodies of water—be they natural or man-made, pool or ocean—are dotting our summer outings. But like, what if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend/fuckbuddy feel the need to get freaky? Is it safe? Will you get some kind of flesh eating bacteria? We did the dirty work (like, literally and not so literally) of looking to find the answers for you across the interwebs (and my phone probably has a virus from that video I accidentally watched). So before you, uh, get wet (SORRY) this summer, read our tips about pool sex for a healthy, safe, and hopefully fun time.
1. You Will Need Lube
Alright now that we’re all uncomfortable, let’s dive right into this shit. It may seem stupid, but being in or underwater can actually reduce your body’s natural lubrication system which makes sex, er, not awesome. Try a silicon-based lube to avoid chafing. Obviously any water-based lube isn’t going to work as it’ll wash off. And speaking of which…
2. You Can Still Get STDs
I’m not sure what idiot would think you CAN’T get an STD once you add water, but, surprise, you can. If you don’t use lube, your chances of STDs and STIs goes up, since the chances of (I’m really sorry this is gross) tears to your vaginal or anal wall are much greater. Yeah, I threw the anal in there for you freaks out there. Kisses. Just a note—if you’re planning on using a condom in the water (hooray for safe sex) it needs to be put on OUT of the water and taken off out of the water as well.
3. Don’t Trip
if you’ve ever had shower sex, you know that firm footing is imperative. Same goes for your hot tub or pool endeavor. Make sure you and your special water-time friend have firm footholds before all the lunging, pushing, shoving, wtf-ever. Obviously, when it comes to a pool, the shallow end is going to be the best spot for this. Take cover, children.
4. Infections Abound
Hey it’s everyone’s fav part of sex—infections! Unfortunately, having sex in ANY body of water (pool, hot tub, ocean, lake) puts you at risk for some super gross infections including our favs—yeastys and UTIs. So like, just know that going in. Maybe just try some foreplay in the pool, and take the dirty dirty inside where it’s clean and dry—like a kitchen counter!
5. Don’t Break The Law
Soooo if you weren’t aware, sex in any form in public is super illegal. So, keep the underwater banging to your own backyard, the pool of a frenemy, or the hot tub of his ex. Teehee!
READ: 8 Vagina Myths You Should Have Stopped Believing Like, Yesterday