As a society, we are obsessed with celebrities. I personally spend approximately 75% of my working day on celebrity gossip blogs (don’t tell my boss, k thanks!). I look at their outfits, make fun of their mugshots, and wonder how they got their abs to look like that. Seriously though, is that baby oil they use? But now, a lot of the classic A-list celebrities are getting old. Not even the uber-rich can escape that cruel beast known as Father Time. I mean, have you looked at Johnny Depp lately? Maybe spend less time dressing like a pirate and more time using moisturizer, honey!
Luckily for us, these relics of yesteryear found equally beautiful partners to procreate with, and the result is a master race of celebrity children, who have collectively decided it’s time to become famous. Since you already know Olivia Jade, I’m going to leave her off the list, but these are the cool kids she’d hang out with at school if she, you know, ever went to school. So let me introduce you to the genetically-blessed celebrity kid influencers that you really ought to know, the ones that shine so bright they’re destined to become “self-made” billionaires.
Kaia Gerber
Parents: The most iconic model of all time, Cindy Crawford, and that guy who owns a tequila company, Rande Gerber
Age: 17
Insta followers: 4.2 million
Known For: Making her runway debut at age 16
Even if Kaia Gerber wasn’t created in a lab and genetically engineered to have the exact same DNA as her mother, she would have been #blessed. Kaia grew up in Malibu with mom Cindy and dad Rande, who just so happens to be George Clooney’s best friend and co-owner of the tequila brand Casamigos. A life of never-ending sunburn with unlimited margs? Sign. Me. Up.
Four days after Kaia turned 16, she walked her first runway for Calvin Klein and hasn’t looked back. In 2018 she won the totally legit sounding “Model of the Year” award and is the face of Marc Jacobs’ Daisy fragrance. Cool. When I was 16, I was still reading Baby-Sitters Club books and pretending not to, but sure, jet-setting all over Europe and posing for British Vogue sounds cool too. If you don’t know Kaia’s name already, you will soon. Her family is insanely connected, and every designer with eyes wants to work with her because she’s like, really pretty.
Lily-Rose Depp
Parents: Professional pirate Johnny Depp and French model Vanessa Paradis
Age: 19
Insta Followers: 3.3 million
Known For: Being one of Karl Lagerfeld’s muses
Lily-Rose Depp is the human embodiment of the cool-girl trope. I’m afraid of her just from looking at her Instagram. She smokes! She wears thin tank tops! She’s French! She invented the resting bitch face! Oh, she’s on her way here? Excuse me while I go hide in the bathroom.
Lily-Rose’s parents may have saddled her with a repetitive double flower first name but that’s the only uncool thing about her. Lily-Rose has been a Chanel ambassador since she was 15, handpicked by the kaiser himself, Karl Lagerfeld (RIP). She’s also appeared in multiple Kevin Smith movies alongside his daughter, Harley Quinn Smith.
And of course, the cool girl snagged the hottest guy in school, the Oscar-nominated, Louis Vuitton harness-wearing angel baby we all know as Timothée Chalamet. Can we get a Cruel Intentions remake starring these two please? Because that would be hot af, and I bet Lily-Rose already has the cross necklace covered *wink*.
Patrick Schwarzenegger
Parents: Ahhhhhnold and Maria Shriver, member of the Kennedy family
Age: 25
Insta followers: 1.2 million
Known For: His heartbreaking performance in Midnight Sun, a tragic romance about a girl allergic to the sun. I’ll let you use your imagination to determine if it was good or not.
Patrick Schwarzenegger is the descendent of American royalty (his mom is niece to JFK, Bobby, and Ted Kennedy), and an Austrian bodybuilder who is known for quotes like “It’s not a tumor!, ” and “I’ll be back!” There was no way this celebrity kid wasn’t going to be famous. He looks like his movie star dad (although not as much as the kid his dad had with the housekeeper), and has the charisma of his mom, who is a TV journalist.
Patty has three movies coming up in the next year or so, and his sister is marrying Chris Pratt in the fall. So get ready for him to be all up in your face. And if you don’t know him as the guy who cranks out movies that should have gone directly to video, perhaps you’ll remember him as the man who briefly filled the Liam-shaped hole in Miley Cyrus’s heart. That is, until, Liam was cool with her grinding on foam fingers and she dropped Patrick like hot garbage.
Ava Phillippe
Parents: Gemini vegetarian Reese Witherspoon, and the best on-screen villain in the entire teen-movie genre, Ryan Phillippe
Age: 19
Insta followers: 715,000
Known For: being a “normal” teen whose parents just happen to be famous
Ava is our least try-hard celebrity kid. Yes, she did pose looking like an ethereal beauty for Rodarte’s Fall 2018 collection, and yes, she did design a shirt for her mom’s clothing line, Draper James, and yes, people like Mindy Kaling comment on her Instagram all the time, but she’s normal, guys! And I’m totally not jealous of her at all! I’m pretty sure she goes to college right now (what, like it’s hard?), and is basically just living her life as the epitome of the all-American girl, while occasionally sprinkling in some jobs. I think we have a few years before Ava truly becomes an A-list celeb in her own right (perhaps she can play Annette in our Lily-Rose/Timothée Cruel Intentions remake?), but that’s good because it gives me some time to skin her and wear her as a suit.
And those are the celebrity kids that should be on your radar! They’re all fine, but if we’re being real, what I’m truly waiting for is the day Suri Cruise, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, and Hazel Moder (daughter of Julia Roberts) become famous and bump all these losers to the Z-list.
Images: Shutterstock; kaiagerber, lily rose_depp, patrickschwarzenegger, avaphillippe / Instagram
Something about Ryan Phillippe has always seemed a little bit off to us, and now we know what. Elsie Hewitt, a model who dated him this spring, filed a lawsuit against Ryan on Monday, saying that he physically abused her in July.
Let’s back up. Ryan, who is 43, started dating 21-year-old (of course) Guess model Elsie back in April, and they were together until July. The two were first linked together at Coachella, which is how all healthy relationships start out.
Anyway, the shit in the lawsuit allegedly went down on July 3rd. They were at a party together, and Ryan left because Elsie was ignoring him… spoken like a true grown-ass man dating a girl who can barely drink alcohol legally. She later went back to his house, where they got into a super heated argument. That’s when Elsie claims he kicked and punched her before throwing her down a flight of stairs. Yikes. There are even photos of Elsie’s bruises, and they’re intense. She was granted an emergency protective order after being treated at the hospital.
In the lawsuit, Elsie also says that she saw Ryan “repeatedly abusing a panoply of legal and illegal drugs, including without limitation cocaine, ecstasy, psychedelic mushrooms, and steroids.” Damn, homeboy likes to party. Also, don’t feel bad if you had to look up the meaning of “panoply.” Elsie is reportedly suing Ryan for $1 million.
Anonymous sources close to Ryan of course say that none of this happened, and that Elsie was the one on drugs, and she actually attacked Ryan, and blah blah blah #NotAllMen, the pay gap is a myth, Hillary’s emails.
Either way, it’s a good thing they’re not together anymore, because yikes. Thank God Reese Witherspoon got out when she did.
As we all know, Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom are broken up, as evidenced by Katy Perry’s new “I’m Going Through A Breakup” pixie cut. So which heartthrob nobody has cared about since 2005 will Katy Perry take off the market next? Should we pull Shane West out of retirement? Maybe give Ben Mckenzie a call? I know Josh Hartnett isn’t doing anything.
Nope, it looks like the most viable option for Katy Perry to continue to crush our high school selves’ heart is Ryan Phillippe who, like any man who has caught feelings for a woman, took to Twitter this week to declare that he and KP are not dating. Because there is no better way to let the world know that you’re not dating someone than to “jokingly” tweet about it, because the idea is soooo funny to you. Ryan Phillippe is basically every dude who has ever casually mentioned how “everyone” thinks that you’re dating just to see how you react, and then acts totally shocked if you show interest. Seriously, look at this shit:
I AM NOT DATING KATY PERRY. BARELY KNOW HER. PLEASE STOP FLYING HELICOPTERS OVER MY HOUSE. SHE IS NOT HERE.
thx
— Dr. Philz (@RyanPhillippe) April 10, 2017
Oh really, Ryan? Paparazzi are “flying helicopters” over your house looking for Katy Perry? How do you even know what the helicopters are looking for? Maybe they’re a search party trying to locate your career, which hasn’t been seen since the last time we had a republican president. Predictably, Twitter was not buying this fuckboy-esque behavior from Phillippe, and pointed out the obvious:
@RyanPhillippe THATS WHAT SOME1 WHO HAS KATY PERRY IN HIS BASEMENT WOULD SAY…..
— jonesy (@flyboy4014) April 10, 2017
Okay but here is where shit gets interesting because, as we know, Katy Perry is one of the most extra pop stars in existence and boasts a Taylor Swift level roster of A-list ex boyfriends (literally, considering they both dated John Mayer). KP, instead of doing what any self-respecting person would do and ignoring Phillippe’s obvious thirst trap, did what most post-breakup betches would do and decided to fuck wit it:
Can u let me out of this basement pls? https://t.co/I2WKOsIxak
— Katy Perry (@katyperry) April 10, 2017
So now here we have two very famous (or, used to be very famous) individuals who are on Twitter telling people that they’re not dating but are also simultaneously hardcore flirting for all of the world to see. Do these two think we’re fucking dumb? I haven’t put thousands of hours into stalking my ex’s mentions to not recognize when two people are flirting online. Please do not insult me this way. Of course, Phillippe, who hasn’t been relevant a day since he stopped being Reese Witherspoon’s husband, responded immediately:
@katyperry never
— Dr. Philz (@RyanPhillippe) April 11, 2017
And then, because Katy just couldn’t resist going back and responding to the original tweet…
Hi, nice to meet you, sorry bout that @RyanPhillippe carry on, lol.
— Katy Perry (@katyperry) April 10, 2017
There is a 90% chance that Phillippe slid directly into Katy Perry’s DMs after this tweet was sent, and the two of them are vigorously sexting at this exact moment. Seriously, you don’t joke about kidnapping a woman and keeping her in your basement unless you really like her. Beauty And The Beast taught us that. This Twitter convo has all the trademarks of a celeb romance in the making. Katy Perry is obviously trying to come off as a “cool girl” here, using a casual, lowercase “lol” to show that she is emotionally distant, though those of us who study in Textology know that the only way that she could show that she is more interested would be to say “k” and sign off for a while. Phillippe’s interest is a given because, literally what else is he doing right now? Serious question.
Now please excuse me while I find someone to bet on wedding dates online with me. I give it six months.
