Every May, television networks scramble to make it seem like everything is good and fine, and they announce a whole bunch of new shows you’ll never watch, while also canceling most of the ones you’ve never heard of. Every year, though, there are a few beloved cancelations, or at least shows you’ve watched because you’re too lazy to get up and change the channel. Some have managed to hang on, like Grey’s Anatomy (fucking how??) and New Girl, which have both been renewed for another season. Unfortunately, not everyone can get so lucky. Like Jack in the icy waters at the end of Titanic, here’s what won’t be coming back:
1. ‘The Vampire Diaries’
We really hope you’re not still watching this in 2017, but we know old habits can die hard. The CW is the patron saint of letting shows go on for way too long (i.e. Supernatural getting a 13TH SEASON), but it was time for this one to go. Poor Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder will have to find something else to do, but we’re not that worried. This is one of the last remnants of the late 2000s vampire craze, so honestly we’re happy to see it go.
This is one of those shows where you had absolutely no idea when new episodes were on, but somehow you feel like you’ve seen at least half of them. There will still be plenty of reruns, but Zooey Deschanel’s less quirky sister will have to find a new gig. To be fair, this lasted 12 seasons, which is incredible for a show that literally has one plot line.
3. ‘Scream Queens’
Ryan Murphy has many shows: American Horror Story, American Crime Story, Feud…and Scream Queens. As fun and ridiculous as it was, this little project never fully got off the ground, and season 2 was pretty fucking tragic. It was sort of like Glee 2.0, but with fake blood instead of musical numbers. For now, Emma Roberts can go back to asking Auntie Julia for money, and Lea Michele can go away forever.
4. ‘Masters of Sex’
You’ve never actually seen a full episode of this show, but you know it has Janis Ian and that your mom absolutely loves it. Now where will she get her wide array of cringey conversation topics? Gone, but not forgotten.
Okay, Girls didn’t so much get canceled as like, mutually agreed to be ended, but we’re still sad to see it go. Yeah, all the characters were the fucking worst, but that really just made them more relatable. For now, we’ll wait patiently for an Elijah spinoff.
6. ‘Pretty Little Liars’
God Bless anyone who still watches this mess. You’re a real trooper, and you should probably get your head checked out or something. We miss a simpler time, when we didn’t fear for our rights and our most pressing concern was figuring out who the fuck was A.
7. ‘Orphan Black’
Tatiana Maslany’s mind-bending performance on this show has made her one of the baddest betches on TV, and we’re sad to see it go. Like a chill party that never quite got invaded by hordes of basic girls, Orphan Black was always just the right amount of underrated.
8. ‘Teen Wolf’
We’ll miss this one, not as a source of quality television programming, but as a source of hot abs and dramatic gifs. We’re not crying, you’re crying.
It’s no secret that I love television. I’m named after a reality TV legend, for fuck’s sake. It’s also no secret that the spring TV schedule usually kinda sucks. During the fall, all our favorites come back and Shonda Rhimes usually has at least one new show with a strong, sexually aware female lead that turns our world upside down. By spring, we’re left with Dancing with the Stars and world’s worst most boring season of The Bachelor. But this year there’s a handful of new shows mixing shit up and taking over our lives. I mean, who needs to go to the gym and work on their summer body anyway? So to make sure you’re not spending your TV time watching The Office reruns on Netflix, here are our seven fave new shows that you need to be watching rn or you can’t sit with us.
1. ‘Big Little Lies’
If you haven’t watched this yet, you’re probably already being excluded from some TV talk sessions with your work besties and you just don’t know it yet. HBO got the the rights to the book and are fucking slaying so hard with the mini-series that even book snobs can’t say shit about “the book being so much better” (vom). It’s about some rich AF moms and their families who have Gretchen Weiners’ hair of secrets and hate each other, but somehow get tied up in a murder at a PTA fundraiser—you know, typical mom shit. It also stars a bunch of betchy actresses like Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman and Zoe Kravitz, so that never hurts. The whole thing is pretty much life goals minus the abuse and homicide. The only downside of this show is you have to deal with Shailene Woodley being around a bunch, but that’s just life in 2017, I guess.
2. ‘The Arrangement’
Ah… An E! scripted series. Who knew they could actually create real TV shows? First they gave us The Royals, and their newest show is more of the same shit: juicy, kind of ridiculous at times, wealthy-famous-people drama. The premise of The Arrangement is that a pretty actress is offered a contract marriage with one of the hottest stars in Hollywood. Seems pretty standard, whatever. Where it gets good is that it’s supposedly based on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ insane relationship that had him jumping on Oprah’s couch like a goddamn lunatic and how the whole thing was arranged by The Church of Scientology. I love a conspiracy theory, but one reenacted by the geniuses that brought us the Kardashians? Sign me right tf up.
3. ‘Z: The Beginning of Everything’
For those of you who read
Cliffsnotes for The Great Gatsby in high school and remember thinking “I’d fucks with this life,” then this show is for you. The show tells the tale of Zelda Fitzgerald, the flapper betch who had her husband, F Scott Fitzgerald (ya know, the Gatsby dude) wrapped around her finger. She raised hell and didn’t give a fuck who knew it. And instead of focusing on her famous husband, Z: The Beginning of Everything puts the badass woman who inspired one of the world’s most iconic stories in the spotlight where she belongs. It takes place in the 1920s so there’s lots of glitz and sex and illegal behavior and who doesn’t love that shit? Also, Zelda is played by two enormous eyes that people keep telling me are a human woman named Christina Ricci, and they’re doing a great job.
You didn’t think I was going to do this whole thing without mention of a Bravo show did you? Lol it’s like y’all don’t know me at all. But for real, this show is fire. Is it exactly like The Catch on ABC? Sure. But it’s better, and don’t any of you argue with me on this because you’re wrong and I’m right. Fucking duh. It’s better because the main girl is the con artist who takes guys for everything they’re worth instead of another asshole dude fucking over a bunch of girls. So yeah, #Feminism. The Bravo version also has Uma Thurman going all Kill Bill and fucking up anyone who messes with the con. Again, #feminism.
I know, I know… The CW gets some love? What’s next? Freeform? But you can’t hate too much because The CW brought us Gossip Girl (RIP). And this show is fucking legit, okay? It’s got all the elements to make a binge-able show. Teen drama, love triangles, a gay best friend, an average person getting all hot and shit over the summer, a teacher-student affair, fucking murder. I mean, what else can you ask for? It’s the Archie comics but like, not lame AF and missing half the pages because your camp friend stored it under her mattress all summer.
6. ‘Feud: Bette and Joan’
Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, two gorgeous famous betches who fucking hate each other. Isn’t that how it goes? No? Weird. We love this FX series for a ton of reasons. 1) Ryan Murphy created it and he’s pretty much a male, slightly more twisted version of Shonda Rhimes in the sense that everything he touches is fucking gold; 2) It’s the story of two legendary actresses who wanted to kill each other on the scene of a movie they filmed; 3) One of those legendary actresses is Joan Crawford, aka the “NO MORE WIRE HANGERS EVER” lady, and 3) Jessica Lange and Susan Sarandon are literal perfection. If that’s not enough for you, then idk what else to say.
7. ‘Twin Peaks’
Tbh, I never saw the original because I was born in the 90s and I was way too young for this shit when it first came out, also my ex wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it so I vowed never to watch. Sorry. But now literally everyone is wigging about the remake and it’s on Showtime so it can’t be bad. When you try and look up the plot, everything is super vague because they’re trying to build the suspense, which I can appreciate, so all I can tell you is that it’s about murder and shit and I love a crime series, especially one with a cult following—even if that cult includes my ex, who fucking sucks.
If your idea of a good time is watching Lady Gaga play herself with a bad accent and/or listening to people murder each other creatively while you cover your eyes, you’re in luck. American Horror Story was renewed for two more seasons, which is surprising to exactly no one because as fucked up as AHS always winds up being, it’s also the shit. Plus, the ratings are through the roof every season so it’s not like it was in danger of getting cancelled.
ICYMI, everyone lost their shit last year when the show’s creator, Ryan Murphy, dangled the possibility of a Murder House/Coven crossover season. Well, it turns out he’s a fucking tease (and actors’ schedules are apparently hard to work around). There aren’t any plans for the crossover to happen in 2017, so we still have to wait to watch Jessica Lange and Connie Britton try to out-weird each other on the same screen again.
On the other hand, we’re still getting two new seasons of bizarre shit. Also, more shirtless Evan Peters. I guess we can deal.