Here’s What We Learned From Robert Mueller’s First IRL Statement

Everyone shut up! Robert Mueller has something to say. Today, the man behind the curtain came forward in a very rare public appearence to get a few things off his chest. When a man of power, well-tailored suits, and possibly information to kick Trump out of office speaks, we listen with bated breath.

So what did we learn?

He Is Resigning And Closing The Special Counsel’s Office

Unfortunately, the “he” in this case is Robert Mueller and not Donald Trump. With the conclusion of the Special Counsel report, Mueller is closing the office and retiring to private life. I doubt there’s going to be a big bash with goodbye tequila shots for his departure. More likely there will be a solemn greeting card from CVS passed around the office that everyone has to sign.

He Did Not Clear Trump

While Trump’s fingers are about to fall off from tweeting NO COLLUSION NO OBSTRUCTION 200 times a day, Mueller restated that this was not the point made by his report. “If we could say with confidence that the president clearly did not commit a crime, we would have said so,” he said.

Take your time untangling the double negatives, but basically, he is saying Trump is up to some shady stuff. He emphasized that his office chose to follow a Justice Department policy that states a sitting president cannot be indicted “even if the charge is kept under seal and hidden from public view,” Mueller said, adding: “Charging the president with a crime was, therefore, not an option we could consider.”

As such, the report states that Mueller’s team “determined not to apply an approach that that could potentially result in a judgment that the president committed crimes.” Def thought that’s what they’ve been doing for two years, but okay.

So because Trump could not be indicted, Mueller determined it would be inappropriate to pursue any conclusion that would result in charges. Why? Because any trial that could prove guilt or exonerate Trump would have to wait until after his presidency or it would, obviously, impact his ability to govern. (Is that what we’re calling it?) However, the hottest tea from today’s statement — or at least, tea that’s become lukewarm since the report and Mueller popped in the microwave for a minute — relates to whether the office determined that he did not commit a crime. Mueller encouraged us to highlight and underline the parts in his report that say “we can’t say he didn’t commit a crime” and to rest assured that if they had determined “no obstruction,” they would have said so.

Today’s statement also affirms that Attorney General Bill Barr dramatically understated how limited Mueller felt by the Justice Department’s policy. Barr had previously suggested that Mueller found no evidence of a crime and the policy barring him from bringing charges was almost irrelevant. Based on Mueller’s report and statements today, that is not the case. The policy, it seems, had a definitive impact on the investigation.


He’s Not Going To Testify

What we read is what we’re going to get. Despite many of us wanting an extensive Sparknotes version of the report, Mueller is being an annoying English teacher and is like “the text speaks for itself.” He does not want to testify any further and kept referring to his report as the final word. He’s pretty clear about that. It’s like his old man version of constantly reminding everyone he studied abroad. We get it.


Is It A Call For Impeachment?

Some folks, especially the Democrats (duh) believe this is Mueller advocating for an impeachment. When Mueller reiterated that his office was unable to make a determination on obstruction of justice or suggest a penalty for any wrongdoing they did find, he noted that “the Constitution requires a process other than the criminal justice system to formally accuse a sitting president of wrongdoing,” he said. Incidentally, that process is impeachment.

If that’s what the tea leaves are saying, so be it. Happy to clear my important schedule of watching RHONY re-runs and watch an impeachment hearing. Nancy Pelosi continues to stall on impeachment, but many lawmakers (especially ones running for president, which is most of them) took Mueller’s words as a call to arms.


Omfg What Did I Just Watch: 6 Takeaways From The Michael Cohen Hearing

Apologies to the Boston Tea Party, but yesterday’s Michael Cohen testimony to the House Oversight Committee is now the day in our nation’s history most associated with scalding hot tea. It was served and boy oh boy was the nation tuned in, ready to sip it. Donald Trump’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen, testified for over seven hours yesterday and since you like, probably have a day job or rightly don’t subject yourself to such torture: here are the main takeaways from the truly historical event.

Trump Talks Like A Mobster

Over and over again, Cohen was asked if the president told him to lie on his behalf and Cohen insisted he never directly did. But what he did say was that Trump didn’t have to say it explicitly. He had a code and Cohen knew how to read that code. So he’d say things indirectly and Cohen understood what was to be done. It’s like an episode of The Sopranos but Melania is nowhere near as cool as Carmela and Tiffany wishes she could hold a candle to Meadow.

Cohen: "[Trump] doesn't give orders. He speaks in code. And I understand that code."

I was once assigned to FBI Organized Crime Squad in Queens, NY. Can't begin to number amount of Mob cooperators who described their abilities to interpret Mob Boss's orders in exact same manner.

— James A. Gagliano (@JamesAGagliano) February 27, 2019


Southern District of NY Investigation

Cohen kept referencing an ongoing investigation by the Southern District of New York court that kept him from revealing too many details about other wrongdoings by Trump. While it isn’t completely clear what they are investigating, it likely has to do with campaign finance violations. Obviously, we’re all sending radar drones to circle the skies of that courthouse until they release more information about that case.

Congressman: "Is there any other wrongdoing or illegal act…regarding Donald Trump that we haven't yet discussed today?"

Cohen: "Yes, and again, those are part of the investigation currently being looked at by the Southern District of New York."#CohenTestimony

— Josh Campbell (@joshscampbell) February 27, 2019


Trump Knew of Wikileaks Dump Before It Happened

Cohen said he was in the room when Roger Stone called Trump and told him that he’d spoken with Julian Assange, aka Pamela Anderson’s boyfriend, and that Wikileaks was going to release emails of Hillary Clinton’s. Instead of you know, reporting foreign meddling in our election, Trump just responded, “wouldn’t that be great.” Now, the Wikileaks Twitter account is playing a game of he said-she said, and is insisting they never once spoke with anyone in Trump’s camp. That tweet’s already being debunked.

A misleading statement from Wikileaks saying they “published” Hillary Clinton emails as early as March 2016. But that collection was no leak, they just reposted Clinton emails released by the State Department site. Very different from DNC emails stolen by Russia and given to WL.

— Robert Mackey (@RobertMackey) February 28, 2019


The Moscow Tower Deal

You know when your friend has a crush on someone and they are so insistent they don’t but it’s sooo obvious they do and it just feels like you’re stuck in an endless loop of getting them to admit it. That’s sort of how it feels hearing more information about the Trump Tower in Moscow. Cohen claimed that two of Trump’s other lawyers made him change his 2017 Congressional testimony about the timeline of the Moscow Tower project, indicating it went on much longer than the Trump camp was open and honest about. If this is true, a lot of people, including Ivanka and Don Jr would be in a f*ckton of trouble for lying to Congress.

Cohen says his testimony on Trump Tower Moscow was changed by the president's lawyer, Jay Sekulow

— BuzzFeed News (@BuzzFeedNews) February 27, 2019

Republicans Are Angry

This is more a general takeaway from the entire hearing, but Republican’s came right out the gate yelling. Their entire tactic was to discredit Cohen by reminding everyone he is a liar. Unfortunately for them, Cohen up top admitted he had lied in the past and was very remorseful for it. So their tactic of doubling down on his dishonesty felt completely like a transparent distraction from the reality that they are all freaking the F out because all of a sudden one of the president’s Yes-Men isn’t nodding along anymore. If anyone reading this is a doctor, Mark Meadows needs a Xanax prescription STAT.

Scorecard after 4 hours:
-Democrats: elicited information from the witness implicating the president in a crime and suggesting he had foreknowledge of the Wikileaks dump and a Russian plot to provide Trump campaign with dirt on Clinton
-Republicans: proved Cohen may write a book

— Ryan Lizza (@RyanLizza) February 27, 2019

Other Insane Takeaways

There was honestly so much that was said yesterday, not even the longest group text in the world could cover it all adequately. But some other insane takeaways from the hearing are that Trump hired a fake bidder to “pay” $60,000 for a nine foot tall portrait of him at an auction. The money came from the Trump organization. Cohen also confirmed that Trump directed him to pay off Stormy Daniels and showed a copy of the actual check that Trump signed for $130,000. At one point Rashida Tlaib called Mark Meadows racist for “using a black woman as a prop” and Mark Meadows got so angry he demanded the record be revised to show that he is not racist.

The entire day was so cataclysmically insane that I am going to begin day drinking and declare today a Friday for my own mental health sake. I will cheers to Michael Cohen for being brave and for everyone on the Oversight Committee for concentrating on something this complex for seven whole hours.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!


Michael Cohen And Paul Manafort May Have Just Gotten Trump Impeached

In case you were just out yesterday living your best news-free life in the last few weeks of summer, allow us to update you on the Kardashian-level drama that dropped in on the White House. Two people very close to Trump and supporting actors in the soap opera that is our country, Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen, are now facing prison time. This means Trump should be nervous as hell right now and we should all break out the popcorn. 

First, in Virginia, we’ve got Manafort. Trump’s former campaign manager was found guilty yesterday of tax evasion and bank fraud. Minutes after, in New York, Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to tax evasion and campaign finance violations. To add a cherry on top, Cohen admitted he made all those unlawful contributions (specifically to silence women who `had criminally hot-goss on Trump) “at the direction of a political candidate.” Who could this candidate be, I wonder?

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What does all this actually mean for our president? His personal lawyer pleaded guilty and his campaign manager was convicted. I’m not a detective, but this isn’t a great look. Besides just the fact that people incredibly close to him were breaking the law, this is the first time Trump has been attached to anything potentially criminal as president. Before yesterday, the investigation into Russian interference with our election was focused on people on the edges of Trump. Cohen’s confession that he was following the orders of the president by using campaign finances to pay off a porn star and a former playboy model now paves a clear path to actually implicating Trump. 

Regardless of how the president tries to frame all of this on his Twitter or at his rallies, referring to Manafort as a “good man” and calling the investigation a McCarthyism throwback “witch hunt,” Cohen’s guilty plea and Manafort’s conviction mean Trump is walking on some seriously shady eggshells right now. Elizabeth Warren, Massachusetts senator and possible 2020 candidate, released an anti-corruption platform Tuesday. She added that the era of Trump “has given us the most nakedly corrupt leadership this nation has seen in our lifetimes.” 

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If we’ve learned anything about Trump so far, though, we know he was born without a sense of shame and he’s not afraid to fight back when it’s clear to everyone (ok, just the majority of the country) that he’s wrong. The next step could possibly be pardoning Manafort or revoking more security clearances, but his behavior has been unpredictable so far. The good news is, yesterday led us closer than ever to the truth. In a time when facts are alternative, the undeniable evidence in these cases with tapes, recordings, and documents are key. Don’t pop the champagne yet, but maybe put it on ice.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

5 Facts About Mariia Butina, The Millennial Russian Spy With NRA Ties

Take a shot of vodka and say a prayer for Mueller, because the saga known as Russian collusion is the gift that just keeps giving. After seeing Trump and Putin’s creepy friendship earlier this month, it’s clear that something is up between Trump and Russia. Now Russian spy national Mariia Butina has been formally charged of conspiracy and acting as a foreign agent after her eight hour testimony in front of Senate Intelligence Committee.

Here’s 5 Things To Know About Mariia:

  1. Mariia (also known as “Maria”) grew up in Siberia where she learned to hunt and got really good with guns.
  2. She started an activist group called Right to Bear Arms in her twenties. Yes, only in Russia would it be that kind of bear…
  3. She became the “special assistant” and spokes person for Aleksandr Torshin, a Russian Senator who is v powerful. Together they grew the Right to Bear Arms and basically they tried to hand out guns like candy across Russia.
  4.  She conveniently moved to the U.S. in 2016 to go to American University, but also teamed up with the NRA *cough* collusion *cough* and started a lobbying group in the U.S. with Paul Erikson, Republican uber villain supporter. Talk about really killing it on the extra curriculars.
  5. Oh yeah, a grand jury formally charged her with conspiracy and acting as a foreign agent! That’s def important to know about her.

Maybe that was more than 5 things, but Mariia has been a busy girl since she came to the U.S. Turns out a Russian billionaire, Konstantin Nikolaev, was funneling money through her gun lobbying to gain influence in America. Now that is a political sugar daddy, no doubt. They tried to set meetings and discussed ways to make the Kremlin and Trump work in a mutually beneficial way. We’ll see if Trump continues to pull a Shaggy and say “it wasn’t me,” but it seems like collusion might not be so far fetched. Go stock up on some vodka and play a fun game while watching the news where you take a shot every time they mention collusion… you’ll be drunk in no time!

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

These Are The VIP Perks Paul Manafort Is Getting In Jail

Gotta love perks, am I right? Some people get free coffee at the office, others bring their puppies to work. And if you’re a shady Trump associate awaiting trial, you don’t have to give up your little luxuries! Here are 5 insane perks Paul Manafort’s getting in prison.

In case you forgot who Manafort is, he’s the definitely-guilty dirtbag/former Trump campaign chair currently facing a whole host of charges thanks to the Robert Mueller investigation. Money laundering? Paul probably did it! Tax fraud? You betcha! Conspiracy against the United States? Add it to the freaking list! Also, according to a profile in The Atlantic, Manafort rented his mistress a $9,000/a month apartment in Manhattan, and that tells you everything you need to know about him.

Anyways, Manafort was on house arrest until he screwed it up by witness tampering and got moved to Northern Neck Jail in Virginia. But a Wednesday court filing revealed that his new digs have actually been pretty sweet. Even Manafort agrees. In a recorded phone call from jail, he said he was being treated like a “VIP.” Here are some of the ways…

1. He Doesn’t Have To Wear A Uniform

A fashionista like Paul can’t be constrained by a jumpsuit! It just wouldn’t flatter his figure!

2. His Own Workspace

Apparently, Manafort gets to prepare for his upcoming trial in a private workspace. Because lying is hard and he needs to CONCENTRATE.

3. His Own Living Unit

Forget what you see on Orange Is The New Black. According to the filing, Manafort has been staying in a “private, self-contained living unit which is larger than other inmates’ units” (and also probably larger than my NYC apartment?). Cool cool cool.

4. A Private Telephone

No waiting in a long phone line for Manafort! Unfortunately, though, he does not have a $43,000 soundproof phone booth like other ethically-compromised Trump associate Scott Pruitt. Strange, all these bad people around Trump… It’s almost like —  and bear with me here, even though it might sound a little crazy – the president is a shitty person?

5. A Private Bathroom

Man, I don’t even have a bathroom to myself, but Manafort gets his own shower facility. Maybe should get myself thrown in jail. Oh wait, it only works if you’re a rich, notorious white man? *Slowly puts down the $1,000-worth of beauty products I’d been planning to shoplift from Sephora.*

Now, though, a bad-ass judge is ordering that Manafort be moved to a different jail. Fingers crossed it happens, and that they put Manafort in the baggiest jumpsuit they’ve got.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Everything Robert Mueller’s Witch Hunt Has Found This Year

We’re officially one year deep into the Mueller investigation or, depending on whose Twitter account you’re refreshing these days, the Mueller “witch hunt.” While the majority of Americans  (52%) see Mueller’s investigation into shady dealings between the Trump campaign and Russia is legit, only 30% of Republicans think the special counsel investigation should continue. So to help our dedicated readers decide where they land on the “witch hunt” vs “legitimate investigation” debate we’ve decided to round up everything Robert Mueller has found so far. You know, because witch hunts typically lead to tons and tons of evidence.

Hella Indictments

Bobby and his coven have secured indictments from 13 Russian nationals, 3 Russian companies, and one Paul Manafort since he was appointed special prosecutor on May 17th, 2017.

While the Russian indictments are more for show (spoiler alert: they’re not coming back to the U.S. to be prosecuted), Manafort remains in what we in the biz call “a lot of fucking trouble.” The former Trump campaign chairman has pleaded not guilty to 5 charges of conspiracy, money laundering, and failure to disclose assets in D.C.. But that’s nothing compared to the 18 charges dealing with tax, financial, and bank fraud he now faces in Virginia. Is Manafort a good witch, or a bad witch? Only time will tell. 

5 Guilty Pleas

And here are your (all male) guilty pleas…

George Papadopolous: George Papadopolous, or “Poppy” as I like to call him, is a former Trump foreign policy adviser who pleaded guilty on October 5, 2017 to charges of making false statements to the FBI. Paps is accused of meeting with the Russians in an attempt to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton, and made at least six requests for Trump or his campaign staff to meet with Russians and Russian politicians between March and September of 2016. He’s also accused of getting drunk and telling an Australian diplomat Moscow’s whole plan to release HRC’s emails, which makes him both stupid and relatable.

Michael Flynn: Mike Flynn, the OG shady Trump bro, pleaded guilty to charges of providing false statements to the FBI in December of 2017. You might remember him from being the first of approximately one million people who have resigned from the Trump admin, after it came out that he “misled Mike Pence” about communications he had with Russian ambassador and world’s-most-forgettable-man Sergei Kislayak. Flynn is now cooperating with Mueller’s investigation, and faces allegations of accepting money from foreign nationals without approval and enchanting an old Ford Angelina to fly without a license.

Richard Pienado: Richard Pienado is the biggest rando on the list, but don’t sleep on his crimes. Richy pleaded guilty to an identity theft charge in connection with the indictments of 13 Russian nationals and companies. Pienado ran an online service called “Auction Essistance” (Literally, it’s spelled “essistance”) which he used to buy and sell account numbers some of which were sold to — you guessed it — Russian troll farms using American identities to interfere in the election. TBH you’d think a witch would be better at covering up their crimes…

Rick Gates: Mr. Gates is a political consultant, lobbyist, and BFF to Paul Manafort who pleaded guilty to charges of making false statements to the FBI (classic) and conspiracy. Gates took a plea deal with Mueller, and is now juggling cooperating with the special counsel’s investigation and studying for his O.W.Ls.

Alex van der Zwaan: Despite what his name might suggest, Alex van der Zwaan is not a character on Gossip Girl. He is, in fact, a London lawyer who pleaded guilty to making false statements to the FBI about his contacts with Rick Gates and an “unnamed person” based in the Ukraine. He was the first person sentenced in the Mueller probe, where he served 30 days in prison. Better than being burned at the stake, I guess.

So to recap: Two top officials admitted to lying to the FBI about their contacts with the Russians, one person actually served jail time, and five people are cooperating with Mueller’s team. Just like the Sanderson sisters. 

Soooo Many Interviews

Mueller honestly should be the next Katie Couric considering how much time he’s spent interviewing people. The Mueller team has interviewed Sean Spicer, Reince Priebus, Jared Kushner, James Comey, Stephen Miller, Sally Yates, Mike Pompeo, Don McGhan, Hope Hicks, Jeff Sessions, Hagrid, Goody Proctor, and Elphaba and all in connection to the Russia probe.

So who’s left to be interviewed? Don Jr., Ivanka, and the Headmaster of Hogwarts himself, Donald J. Trump.

1 Grand Jury

If AHS season 3 taught us anything, it’s that catching witches requires multiple witch hunters. That’s why on August 3, 2017, Mueller empaneled a grand jury in D.C. with the power to subpoena documents, require witness testimony, and issue indictments. There is also a separate grand jury investigating Michael Flynn because, like I said, catching witches takes a lot of manpower.

4 Subpoenas

The aforementioned grand jury has issued 4 subpoenas for matters related to the infamous June 9th meeting at Trump Tower which Don Jr. so graciously leaked all the receipts about.

So far, Mueller and the grand jury have secured testimonies under oath from a Rinah Akhmetshin (A Russian-born lobbyist and former Soviet Army officer), Jason Maloni (a former spokesman for Paul Manafort), Carter Page (former Trump campaign ad and douchebag stereotype), Sam Clovis (current senior White House official and former TV personality because that’s the world we live in), and George Nader (Lebanese-American businessman with ties to Crown Prince Mohammed bin Zayed Al Nahyan of the UAE).

The New York Times also reported that they subpoenaed none other than living horcrux Steve Bannon, but that he struck a deal to be interviewed by prosecutors rather than testifying before the grand jury. His horrific presence is probably the witchiest thing about this whole investigation considering someone must have summoned him from the grave to testify.

UPDATE: Literally minutes after we first published this article news broke that Mueller’s team issued two subpoenas to Jason Sullivan a “social media expert” (same) hired by Trump adviser/Dark Lord Roger Stone. Spooky.

And A Partridge In A Pear Tree

If the partridge is Donald Trump, and the pear tree is an ever-expanding web of financial and international crimes.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Who Is Hope Hicks And What Highlighter Does She Use?

If when you hear the words “Donald Trump” and “former model” in the same sentence, you immediately jump to sexual assault allegations or Forbes-magazine-spanking scandals, you’re not alone and I really can’t blame you. However, there’s a former model currently working in the White House as an indentured servant named Melania who might accidentally be the one who brings down the Trump presidency from the inside. So who exactly is Hope Hicks and how did she get a job in the White House with no prior political experience? Here’s what we know.

Who TF Is Hope Hicks?

Trump’s third attempt at choosing a White House Communications Director that will last more than 10 days (RIP “the Mooch”) is former model and NYC publicist, Hope Hicks. Hicks worked at a PR firm representing major celebs like the Trump family, and specifically Ivanka, who poached her to work on b0th expanding her clothing brand and then modeling her pieces as well. When clients come into our office, they usually ask me to fetch them coffee or point out the bathrooms instead of offering me my big modeling break, but I’m not bitter or anything.

Before she was a big shot publicist, Ms. Hicks still had her finger on the pulse of Manhattan’s elite in another way. Before she modeled for Ralph Lauren and Ivanka, Hope was on the cover of the Gossip Girl spinoff series about Jenny Humphrey called It Girl. Just when you thought little J could literally not get any more insufferable, she ends up working to desperately make Trump look sane in the public eye.

Ivanka clearly trusted Hope because she looks hot in her clothes to promote her family in a positive light, which led to the Big D hiring her as Communications Director because she looks hot in Ivanka’s clothes even though she’s only 29 and has no political experience whatsoever. While that is seriously impressive and, like, inspirational to young bad business bitches everywhere, I can’t think of any person in their twenties who is actually qualified to hold an official government position. Every year before 30 is still a shit-show and deserves to be treated as such before it’s socially unacceptable to end the night wasted and asleep with a bowl of mac and cheese in your bed.

Why Is She In Trouble?

As a Communications Director, it’s Hicks’ job to attempt to filter the insane shit that leaks out of Trump’s mouth to at least make him look semi-sane and to stop him from saying something that will get him in tons of trouble (TBH she’s doing a pretty terrible job as far as that’s concerned). One of her responsibilities is literally to type out Trump’s tweets as he dictates to her through greasy mouthfuls of McDonald’s, and my question is just…how could you let those get posted? A small part of your educated, press-savvy brain must be rotting away having to use the wrong “there/their” and punctuating everything with indiscriminate caps lock. I know I have a slight aneurysm every time I read one.

At the moment, Hope may be in hot water now that it was revealed that she and Trump allegedly drafted the statement together that claimed Donald Jr.’s meeting with Russian lawyers had nothing to do with dirt on Hillary Clinton and was about lifting sanctions on Russian adoption. You’re not exactly proving your PR skills, girl, because that is the least believable lie I’ve ever heard since those few months when Kylie Jenner tried to pretend she doesn’t have lip injections. It’s (literally) written all over your face.

Mark Corallo, a former legal spokesman for the Trump administration who resigned last July, claims that Hope told him Don Jr.’s emails about the meetings “will never get out,” which some might take as a threat that she plans to cover them up and prohibit anyone from seeing them – AKA obstruction of muhfuckin’ justice. Corallo plans to testify to Mueller that Hicks may have had knowledge of or intent to obstruct justice, which would lump Trump himself right into the equation if they cite the statement they drafted together about the Russia meeting.

It’s also worth noting that the PR firm Hicks previously worked for was owned by a guy who made his name as Harvey Weinstein’s publicist, so it’s clear that Hicks learned her techniques from the top of the covering-up-dubious-behavior food chain.

Oh Little H, did you learn nothing from Blair Waldorf? The secret to a good lie is making sure no one ever finds out. If you really have something to do with holding back information, it looks like your “hope” of keeping your job – and staying out of jail – might get squashed. I hope you know how to model orange jumpsuits. XOXO.

What Highlighter Does She Use?

Unfortunately Hope has not spoken out on this important topic, but hopefully Robert Mueller can include this line of questioning her in deposition. The American people deserve to know.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

The Republicans’ ‘Bombshell’ Memo Was Pretty Boring TBH

Great news, fellow Americans! After a year of being hounded by the corrupt FBI and the libelous FAKE NEWS liberal media, our esteemed president scored a big win. I’m proud to report that after months of speculation and obstruction from the Deep State congress and their secret president Hillary Clinton, President Trump used his famed dealmaking prowess the powers granted to the office to declassify Devin Nunes’ BOMBSHELL memo on Friday. And folks, it has the libtard Democrats running scar—

Nevermind folks, the memo is a bunch of dumb ass bullshit, like pretty much everything else to come out of this administration.

You can cut to the chase and read the whole memo, but a quick recap: For weeks (that, yes, have felt like decades), Congress has been percolating over the existence of a memo penned by House Intel Committee chairman Devin Nunes. It supposedly showed all kinds of bias and malfeasance on the part of the FBI concerning their investigation into Trump’s campaign, except that the more congress got to see of it, the less they wanted to do with it. Democrats complained that it was partisan and devoid of context, and even Republicans feared it didn’t paint the whole picture and that they’d have little to gain from its release (spoiler: they were right!). But despite warnings from the DOJ and even Paul fucking Ryan to not release it, President Deals declassified it and released it in all its today. If your Twitter feed has been even worse than usual, now you know why.

So like, what exactly does this memo say? To the extent that this dumbfuck memo important document asserts anything, these are the main points:

  1. In seeking FISA warrants to surveil Trump campaign aid Carter Page, the FBI and DOJ did not disclose to the FISC (the court responsible for issuing FISA warrants) that Chris Steele’s famous dossier (the one that talks about the pee tape) was partially funded by the DNC.
  2. Steele was biased and not credible, both because he had expressed his desire to discredit Trump and had been dismissed as a source by the FBI for speaking to the media, a serious violation for Bureau sources.
  3. And ANYWAY, even if that didn’t matter, the Steele dossier hadn’t yet been fully corroborated, so it shouldn’t have counted (or something).
  4. Oh, and those FBI agents were saying mean things about Trump to each other, probably between bouts of sex under a beaming portrait of George W. Bush (no really, the FBI text “scandal” is tacked onto the end, for some reason).

This is all supposed to mean that the FBI was biased against Donald Trump, aka the Republican candidate? Give me a fucking break. If you’ve so much as imagined the concept of marijuana, your computer explodes and agents swarm your house when you try to apply for a job at the FBI. They’re the nation’s top fucking law enforcement agency, the cop-iest of cops, for chrissakes. They’re the most conservative apolitical agency on the planet.

Even if a couple of FBI agents exhibited some kind of “bias” against Trump (wait till they hear that FBI agents are allowed to vote!), could it be because they had good reason to suspect that the Trump camp was up to no good? Consider the following, which Nunes’ memo (nor Nunes himself, I suspect) never bothers to do at any point:

  1. The FBI has been up Carter Page’s weasley ass since 2013, when they interviewed him after Russian attempts to recruit him as an intelligence agent (God, why does nothing this cool ever happen to me?). Let’s put it this way: if the FBI sees you talking to recruiters from Sarah Lawrence College, and you tell them you want nothing to do with Sarah Lawrence College, and then the FBI catches you taking trips to visit Sarah Lawrence College a few years later, they’re going to… question your intentions, to say the least. The point is, the FBI did not necessarily need the Steele dossier as their only (or even primary) proof that Carter Page needed some good old fashioned survelin’.
  2. Speaking of the dossier, it was originally paid for by The Washington Free Beacon, a conservative website funded by billionaire and Republican donor Paul Singer. Fusion GPS was hired to in turn hire Steele to dig up dirt on several Republican candidates, and Singer only gave up on the project in May 2016, once it was clear Trump would clinch the nomination. For those keeping count, that means the “DNC funded Steele dossier” was “DNC funded” for a total of like four months.
  3. While perhaps more pertinent to Page specifically, the dossier itself wasn’t the impetus for the FBI’s probe into Russian ratfucking in our election. That would be a drunken conversation Trump campaign aide George Papadopoulos had with an Australian diplomat, where he let slip that the Trump campaign had major dirt on Hillary and the Democrats. When the leaked DNC emails appeared online, the diplomat helpfully made a phone call to his American counterparts.

So, yeah. If it’s anything at all (and that’s being generous), it’s a reason to reexamine the laws governing FISC/FISA procedures. Otherwise, the memo is nothing. In fact, it’s worse than nothing for Trump: while it will surely fire up his idiot base, those people would gladly follow him off a cliff. To the rest of the country, it’s an extremely petty act of the president bypassing norms and conventions to release a document that contains no information of consequence. Not to mention, by complaining about the methods by which it was obtained and the timing of the corroboration, it doesn’t actually say anything to refute the contents of the Steele dossier. In other words, THE PEE TAPE IS OUT THERE, FOLKS.

May we never speak of this dumb fucking thing ever again.