Golden Showers & Russian Leaks: Explaining WTF Is Happening Via Your Lying, Cheating Boyfriend

WTF is happening in the country right now? It’s like we woke up from a really bad hangover and just want to go back to sleep. All of a sudden we have to care way too much about politics. Honestly this is like when all of Greek life comes together when a school tries to shut down frat row, because even though all we want to do is binge watch The Bachelor, we have no choice but to be activists or we’ll all lose. Thankfully we’ve made it easier for you betches, here’s a recap of what’s happening with Trump this week with the Russia hacks.

In case you haven’t heard, there’s been rumors that Russia hacked us and the news outlets have been scrambling to find out how deep it goes. Imagine your boyfriend missed your birthday because he told you he was out of town, but then you find out he wasn’t out of town like he said. You know something’s up, you just haven’t found out if he was cheating on you or not. When you first catch him in a lie, you’re probably trying to get more information before you confront him about it. 

Not Okay

So that’s exactly what happened here with Russia. Why didn’t we get all the information at once? Well according to a CNN report, a dossier was released to the FBI that provides evidence that Russia blackmailed Trump.

Basically CNN is like your friend who says she knows for a fact you should dump your bf but won’t tell you why. Instead of listening to your friend, you just write her off as trying to sabotage your relationship.

You're Jealous

Anytime you’ve ever wanted to warn a friend about a shady bro, it usually is warranted. Like maybe he got aggro and tried to touch your leg while his gf wasn’t looking, but you don’t want to be called a slut so you leave that part out when warning your friend. I mean, it happens. Anyways, CNN couldn’t provide the documents because they weren’t verified and that’s just a no-no in journalism, so Buzzfeed did it instead.

If the Buzzfeed document is the same one CNN is referring to, then basically Trump is guilty AF. In the docs, which are allegedly an intelligence briefing given to the FBI, it says that Russia provided Trump with information throughout the election on his opponents. It also mentions that he hired hookers to pee in the presidential suite of the Ritz Carlton in Moscow, because that’s where the Obamas stayed when they were in town. So, petty AF.


Actually, the exact words were “employing a number of prostitutes to perform a golden showers show in front of him”.


So basically Buzzfeed just showed you a receipt from Per Se the night of your birthday and claims it’s from your boyfriend. I mean, do you trust her? She’s in your outer circle and not a confidante, but everything kind of lines up pointing to your boyfriend is cheating on you. At the very least you know he’s been lying to you.

We know that Russia has hacked something, but just how deep it goes and how much influence they have on Trump is still unclear. Like any breakup that’s caused by cheating, you know you’re going to find out more shit he lied about as time goes on. Like was it a one-time cheating thing, or has this been happening forever? Did he really love you when he said it? Is there more than one girl he’s sleeping with and do any of them know about you? So many questions. In response to the documents, Trump tweeted this out the other night: 

Then yesterday morning, he held a press conference and criticized the intelligence agents for letting this information get out. He denied having any ties with Russia, but instead of saying the document wasn’t real, he just talked about how it was a mistake for the information to come out. That would be like confronting your boyfriend about lying to you and having him get mad that you found out, rather than apologize for the thing he did.

So Shady

In summary, Trump is a lying boyfriend but you’re still trying to figure out just how much he lied about. Also you kind of already told him you’d marry him, so you’re not sure what to do now. 

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The Russia Hacking Scandal Explained By ‘Mean Girls’

It’s now been almost two months since the presidential election, but it’s still unclear exactly how all this shit went down. And by all this shit, we basically mean Russia interfering with things to help Donald Trump get elected. We’ve known for a while that this was probably a thing, but now we’re more sure than ever, and in the last week or so there have been several important developments in the saga. Buckle up, because this shit is like an episode of The Americans. But we can’t count on any of you to be up to date with that show, so instead we’ll explain it in terms we know you’ll understand: Mean Girls.

Last week, Obama finally decided to name names and sanction specific Russian individuals for election interference. He also ordered 35 Russian diplomats to leave the US, which is basically the political equivalent of the middle finger. In addition to some individuals, we also sanctioned the Russian intelligence agencies, so like, we are not chill with Russia at all right now.

You can't sit with us

The plot thickened the next day, when someone found computer code linked to known Russian hackers in an electrical facility in Vermont. Tbh Vermont is kind of unimportant, but chances are the hackers have been everywhere, so it’ll be interesting to see what other information comes out soon.

Everyone expected shit to hit the fan after Obama announced his sanctions, but so far Putin is playing it cool. He announced that no American diplomats have to leave Russia—but like, what if they’re really just being trapped there? We low-key know nothing about diplomacy, but this whole thing seems fragile to say the least. Putin said that, rather than being petty, he’ll try to repair US-Russia relations after Trump’s inauguration. That shouldn’t be too hard, considering that Trump and Putin are already like BFFs.

Danny Devito I love your work

The US government isn’t backing down, with a State Department spokesperson saying this week that the government is “100% certain in the role that Russia played” in fucking with the election. All of the top cabinet officials and intelligence agencies agree on this, so at this point it’s basically a fact.

Those bitches

Meanwhile in Trumpland, it’s the same old story. Trump’s spokesman said on Monday that there’s still no evidence of any Russian hacking or its influence on the election, because denying the evidence definitely doesn’t benefit him in any way at all. Trump has still been tweeting about how stupid the whole thing is, so like lol. Trump is going to have a lot of work to do once he’s President, like deciding whether he actually wants to trust the FBI and CIA after talking shit about them for so long.

She is a fugly slut

So at this point, what happens? Most likely, nothing. Trump will get inaugurated in a couple weeks, and then it would be up to Congress to impeach him if they think it’s warranted. But who’s in Congress now? Oh yeah, a ton of Republicans who got a boost in the election because they were on the ballot with Trump. Hahahaha fantastic. It’s going to be a long, scary four years.

Mean Girls

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