Back in March, who could have predicted that basically nothing would change by the end of 2020? Okay, a few things have changed, but assuming you’re not one of the lucky few who have already gotten their hands on the vaccine, your ass is still glued to the couch, and you’re still f*cking bored. Luckily, the TV gods understand our need for constant stimulation, so there’s plenty of good stuff coming to a device near you in the next few weeks. Here are the most important new shows and seasons coming soon that you won’t want to miss.
‘Bridgerton’ – Netflix, 12/25
Back in 2017, Shonda Rhimes made history with a record-breaking deal to set up shop at Netflix. It’s taken a few years, but we’re finally getting our first Shondaland Netflix show, and Bridgerton looks like the exact kind of thing I want to binge in 1-2 sittings. Based on a series of novels set in 19th century England, this soapy drama centers on two young nobles who pretend to be in love, each with their own motives. With a diverse cast, gorgeous visuals, and Julie Andrews as the narrator, this is the event of the TV season.
‘Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’ – Netflix, 12/31
If you’re still watching Netflix’s Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, congratulations, you’ve made it to the end. The fourth and final part drops on New Year’s Eve, and as always, it looks creepy and thrilling. But the most exciting part, by far, is the news that the OG Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda from Sabrina The Teenage Witch will be making an appearance. Idk how this factors into the plot, but my sense of nostalgia is happy.
‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ – VH1, 1/1
The last time I was indoors at a bar was a viewing party for RuPaul’s Drag Race season 12, so the fact that we’re already getting a new season puts into perspective how long this year has felt. Season 13 features 13 new queens, and whether you’re a Drag Race super fan or have yet to watch an episode, trust me, you’ll love it. From the runway looks to the hilarious challenges to the SHAAAAADE that the queens throw at each other, Drag Race is the perfect competition show.
‘The Bachelor’ – ABC, 1/4
I don’t think The Bachelor needs much introduction around here, but I keep forgetting that Matt’s season premieres just two weeks after The Bachelorette wraps up. Filmed in a quarantine bubble in Pennsylvania, this season is sure to be (say it with me) the most dramatic season ever, and judging from the contestant bios, we might have more than one woman trying to secure the villain spot.
‘The Real Housewives of Dallas’ – Bravo, 1/5
I couldn’t talk about The Bachelor without also including a Bravo show, and the Dallas housewives are back in January for their fifth season. This season was filmed during the pandemic, so we’ll see how the ladies incorporate face masks and shields into their glam routines. Mainly, I’m curious to see how the cast fares in the aftermath of LeeAnne Locken’s problematic behavior and subsequent firing, because that sh*t was messy. Judging from the trailer, newcomer Dr. Tiffany Moon seems like a promising addition, and the ladies of Dallas are often underrated.
‘Dickinson’ – Apple TV+, 1/8
With so many streaming services available, a lot of people sleep on Apple TV+, but Dickinson, one of their breakout original shows, is already coming back for a second season. Hailee Steinfeld plays a young Emily Dickinson who’s struggling with the confines of her 1800s New England life. With modern music and dialogue, this show is super fun, and I found myself laughing out loud regularly during the first season.
‘Everyone Is Doing Great’ – Hulu, 1/13
James Lafferty and Stephen Colletti (aka Nathan and Chase from One Tree Hill) teamed up to create and star in this comedy about two actors who are trying to figure out wtf to do years after starring in a hit TV show about vampires. So One Tree Hill wasn’t about vampires, but I’m pretty sure this is low-key autobiographical. Also, yes, this is the same Stephen Colletti from Laguna Beach, which is reason enough to watch.
‘Search Party’ – HBO Max, 1/14
After moving to HBO Max last spring for its third season, Search Party is already back for season four. Going forward, I would appreciate if all of my favorite shows could start putting out new seasons every eight months or so. Dory, Drew, and the gang are still dealing with the aftermath of Keith’s death, and if you know anything about this show, things probably won’t go according to plan. Can’t wait!
‘WandaVision’ – Disney+, 1/15
When Disney+ launched, one of the main draws of the streaming service was the promise of new shows in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It took a while, but the first one is finally here, and WandaVision looks like it’s going to be a f*cking trip. Wanda and Vision, two of the more under-used characters from the MCU movies, are the perfect TV couple in this supernatural sitcom through the ages. Tbh, I have very little idea what this is actually about, but it’s going to be a big deal.
‘Servant’ – Apple TV+, 1/15
Along with Dickinson, Apple TV’s Servant is also returning for a second season next month. This psychological horror show is produced by horror icon M. Night Shyamalan, and it follows a family who hire a nanny for their child… who is actually a doll. Sh*t gets weird, obviously. Season one got solid reviews, and Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley) is in this, which is reason enough to watch.
Images: Liam Daniel/Netflix; Netflix, RuPaul’s Drag Race, Bachelor Nation on ABC, Bravo, Apple TV, Hulu, HBO Max, Marvel / YouTube
I recently learned that I really love drag queens. I went to Hamburger Mary’s a few months ago for Drag Brunch and found myself low-key wanting to be a drag queen even though I am a woman. It was just so fun! All the costumes and makeup and performances—amazing. I’ve been meaning to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race for ages, I just need to get on it at this point. That said, given that I’ve yet to actually watch it, I have no idea who The Vivienne is. But judging from her Instagram, she is fabulous. Her makeup and just overall look is insanely over-the-top, fun, and awesome.
Like, here she is pre-drag:
And in full drag:
I mean, incredible, right? She is soooooo fabulous, I’m kind of jealous that I can’t walk around like this all the time. I mean, I guess I could. But I’m really lazy when it comes to getting dressed, especially with makeup. I’m more like, “Wow, I’m really broken out, I should probs use foundation today”, and then I just draw a cat eye and go out pimples a-blazin’ because it seems like too much effort. And let’s be real: all my effort in the world would not get my makeup as on point as The Vivienne’s. It’s seriously a work of art.
With this level of costuming and perfection, one would assume there is no reason to edit your photos. But alas, this article is Photoshop Fail, so you probably saw this coming.
The Vivienne posted this amazing photo of herself at the Birds of Prey premiere:
Like, how fun is the Harley Quinn-inspired makeup? Answer: very fun. However. Do you notice anything wrong with this pic? Like how a standard-issue watermark is a completely warped, perhaps?
But here’s what I REALLY don’t understand about people that take publicly accessible photos from places like Getty Images: Why do they Facetune their pics when it is SO easy to find receipts?
Because we found the original pic in like, two seconds:
Soooooooooooooooooooo.
This looks like a super quick edit of squashing in her face to give her a brand new head shape and cinching in her waist so that both her figure and the Getty Images watermark is snatched. When you put that level of artistry into your look, all I have to ask is why? I’m also very over people giving themselves entirely new head shapes (looking at you, Tana Mongeau). You can’t just pick a different head. That is not how it works. You are not Mr. Potato Head, where it’s reasonable to just pick all different body parts. And actually, even Mr. Potato Head keeps his original head shape!
And if you’re going to Facetune, come on guys, don’t use a photo that has an original I can find online in one easy search! And if you’re going to leave a watermark on a picture, make sure it isn’t also warped. That is all.
Images: Jeff Spicer/Getty Images; @thevivienne_/Instagram; Giphy (2)
RuPaul’s Drag Race premiered season 9 this week, marking the show’s move from the niche LGBTQ-focused Logo channel, to VH1, a technically bigger channel that none of us have really thought about since Flavor of Love ended. For anyone who has been following RuPaul’s Drag Race for the previous 8 seasons, you know that the queens on this show are basically a treasure trove of betchiness. For example, Shangela’s “You Will Never Have A Sugar Daddy” speech from Season 3 is basically a primer in how to completely tear another woman apart in 30 seconds or less. It’s basically The Bible. And let’s not forget the term “throwing shade” literally comes from drag queens, as does the concept of “reading” someone. Plus, the RPDR contestants are basically walking advertisements for aggressive contouring and highlighter use. So, naturally, with a show so clearly betchy and with with the stakes (and the stilettos) so high, it’s only appropriate for us to determine which of the season 9 queens are sickening, and which need to go back to Party City where they belong.
14. Charlie Hides
Charlie Hides is some kind of YouTube celebrity impression person who clearly thinks that she is the shit despite the fact that she made 0 impression in the first week’s episode. Idk. Something about this queen just rubs me the wrong way. Like the way she kept name-dropping her YouTube channel, and claiming that Lana Del Ray called her an “asshole.” Plus her hometown look was literally just a pilgrim costume from Amazon. An annoying YouTube star in Halloween store clearance? Oh hunty, no thank you.
13. Jaymes Mansfield
Okay, so first of all, I don’t like drag queens with male names. But that’s just a personal preference thing. Jaymes Mansfield’s entrance is what puts this queen at the bottom of our ranking. It was just far too awkward. The puppet? Girl, please. Aren’t you supposed to like, plan the entrance out? She looked like she had no f’ing clue what was going on, and that continued throughout the episode when her “hometown” look had absolutely 0 relevance to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Like, I was expecting her to serve us some full-on dairy realness ensemble and instead we got…black and white checkers? Not. Good. Enough. Girl.
12. Aja
According to Sasha, Aja is the “number one name in Brooklyn that people are talking about right now,” and like vinyl records and other things that Brooklynites love, IDGI. Her personality was fine, and she looks good enough, but, as several people pointed out, her makeup was totally fucked. Like, she looked like maybe she’d done her face on the L Train on her way to drag race. Which like, no shade to doing your makeup on the L, I’ve definitely been there, but just make sure you have a LuMee case or something so you know wtf you’re going to look like when you finally get out onto the runway. Also, I have a strict “no septum piercings” policy, and drag queens are no exception.
11. Trinity Taylor
Trinity Taylor’s whole “thing” is that she got plastic surgery and doesn’t have to pad her ass which, to me, is less impressive than the girls who literally mold their bodies out of pillows and foam and shit. IMHO, Trinity was too catty without the the humor to back it up. Like, she talked a lot of shit, but wasn’t ultimately that good at reading people. Her ass does look amazing, though, so I guess that’s money well spent.
10. Alexis Michelle
Alexis Michelle is our Broadway queen. While she didn’t really stand out this episode, she did do an amazing Gaga at the Emmys, so you gotta give it to her for that. All this queen really needs is one live singing challenge to move her up to the top, but until that happens, Alexis is pretty thoroughly middle of the pack.
9. Sasha Velour
Sasha Velour is our bald, artsy queen. She takes herself too seriously, and that was p obvious during her hometown look, where she came out with like, a thousand props to make some clumsy statement about art and culture in New York. It just didn’t make sense. Also, I like my queens to be wigged. The bigger the better when it comes to wigs, honestly. That’s why, despite Sasha being one of the judges’ top 3 picks, I just don’t think Sasha is going to make it. The whole “bald artist” thing gets old pretty fast—like, within the span of one episode I was already over it. Her eyebrows are fucking on point though.
8. Farrah Moan
Farrah Moan is gorgeous and skinny but she also seems like an idiot, and not in a cute way. Like why was she having such a hard time finding a work station? Didn’t you watch like every episode of this show in preparation for this day? Also her runway looks were meh. I want to like Farrah, just based on the strength of her pun game alone, but I don’t think she really impressed anybody this week.
7. Peppermint
I put Peppermint exactly in the middle of this list because she performed exactly in the middle of this episode. Her looks weren’t stunning, but they weren’t bad either. She seems to have a nice personality. All in all I could see her sticking around for a while, or maybe she’ll really blow up next episode. Either way, Peppermint def has the potential to become a fan favorite along the way.
6. Kimora Blac
Kimora Blac earned her spot solely based on the strength of her body. Like, hooooly shit that’s some amazing padding work. Even if she doesn’t win, I may call her up and just see if I can make use of her padding services for myself. Her body is probably the best of the season.
5. Valentina
Valentina has only been doing drag 10 months, and she is straight-up amazing. Every season has its signature “Latin Queen” and Valentina might be the best one yet. She absolutely slayed her hometown look, and anybody who thinks she casually brought up how young in drag she is for no reason in particular knows nothing about Drag Race. Valentina obvs brought up her drag infancy to either intimidate her opponents or to lull them into a false sense of security regarding her drag abilities. Either way, I think Valentina will be with us through the end of the season.
4. Nina Bo’Nina Banana Fofana Osama Bin Laden Brown
Nina Bo’nNna not only found a way to incorporate Osama Bin Laden into her drag name (a hard sell) but she won the Miss Charisma Uniqueness Nerve and Talent title, making her the first challenge winner. Normally that would make someone the frontrunner, but IDK. Nina is obviously a very talented and fishy queen, but something about the animal/peach face motif just freaked me out. She looked like if a Snapchat filter came to life. It was unsettling.
3. Eureka
Eureka was in the top three this week and for good reason. She seems to have everything you want in a queen: tons of personality, genuinely funny, fierce on the runway. Eureka is the whole package. However, she did totally lose her cool when Lady Gaga showed up in the runway, and while it was def a very sweet moment, it was also a little extra and shows that Eureka def has some emotional weaknesses that could hurt her later on in the competition. Keep it together sister, and maybe you’ll win the whole damn thing!
2. Shea Couleé
Sure, she didn’t win the challenge. She didn’t even place in the top three. But something about Shea Couleé tells me she’s in it for the long hall. Like Eureka, Shae has tons of personality and appears to be genuinely funny. She made that giant hotdog hat, and it somehow looked very chic? In my humble opinion, Shea Couleé is this season’s queen to beat. There’s just something about her—a certain drag ne sais quoi—that says “winner” to me.
1. THE 14TH QUEEN!!!
The mysterious 14th queen gets the #1 slot just because she’s a mystery, and nothing is more glamorous than a mystery. We won’t know who she is until next week, but I think it’s safe to say she’s a returning queen from a previous season, based on the others’ reactions. Why else would they bring her on so late in the game? She must be fierce AF to be used as an end of episode cliffhanger. Either that, or she’s so boring they had to come up with some kind of giant stunt to introduce her. We’ll have to wait until next episode to find out.
Honorable Mention: Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga is literally such a drag queen in her day-to-day life that when she came workroom everyone thought she was just another one of the contestents. She then went on to talk a lot about what drag meant to her, while the queens literally broke down into tears over her presence. So like, is what Lady Gaga does considered drag? Can Lady Gaga be a drag queen even if she is technically a cis-woman all the time? I will defer to the queens on this one and say that even if Gaga isn’t technically a drag queen, she is an honorary drag queen in all of our hearts, meaning that this year’s Super Bowl was essentially a drag show. Love it.
