I think most people would agree that dating can be a total pain in the ass. It can be lonely and tedious trying to wade through everyone out there, just trying to find one good match. But if you’re lucky, you have some ride or die friends that are always trying to help you out. Whether my friends are setting me up with someone they know or helping me evaluate my matches on Ship, I need all the help I can get.
If you’re skeptical about the idea of your friends getting involved in your dating life, I get it. But maybe it’s a good idea to let them help you. Lots of your favorite celebrity couples have been set up through friends, and you might not even realize it. Here are some of our favorite examples:
Nick Jonas & Priyanka Chopra
When Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra first went public with their relationship last year, it seemed super random. Little did we know, there’s one surprising person at the center of their relationship: The Rock. Yes, like Dwayne Johnson. In 2017, Priyanka worked with The Rock on the Baywatch remake, and then Nick worked with him the next year in Jumanji.I’m not sure how much The Rock really played matchmaker here, but he did say that he’ll take credit “if they’re happy.”
Joe Jonas & Sophie Turner
Nick isn’t the only Jonas Brother who got a little romantic help from a friend. In 2016, Joe’s band DNCE did a song with Hailee Steinfeld, who is friends with Sophie Turner. Hailee revealed that Sophie texted her asking about Joe, and she gave her his number and the green light to go for it. Now Sophie is chugging drinks at sporting events and generally seems very happy, so her bold text definitely paid off.
Taylor Swift & Calvin Harris
This relationship wasn’t meant to be, but it was fun while it lasted. Back in 2015, Taylor and Calvin were first introduced by mutual friend (and fellow famous singer) Ellie Goulding. Ellie said that they’re both “really awesome and really tall,” so she thought they would make a great couple. And they did…for a while.
Cameron Diaz & Benji Madden
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Happy Birthday Baby❤️ There’s so much to write, so many things that make me so proud of you and how special you are?Thank you for being the best friend and partner to me and taking this journey of Marriage. The way you live your life everyday, and your compassion for the world shines thru in your eyes and you inspire me to want to be the best man I can be in this lifetime. You’re the realest. I’m so grateful to be yours Always&Forever, and to call you my One&Only. True Love ❤️
Cameron Diaz has been married to Benji Madden since 2015, and Nicole Richie happily takes credit for it. Nicole is married to Benji’s brother Joel, and she says that she’s “a devoted sister-in-law.” Someone please tell me how I can get into this family, because I really want to go to Thanksgiving with Nicole and Cameron.
John Krasinski & Emily Blunt
Truly, I think these two are one of the cutest couples in Hollywood. They also work well together, considering I’ve had to sleep with a white noise machine ever since I saw A Quiet Place. Turns out, they were set up on a blind date in 2008 by none other than Anne Hathaway. John said he wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time, but it was love at first sight when he met Emily.
Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux
Jennifer Aniston is one of the most famous and beautiful people in the world, but even pretty people can appreciate some help from a friend. Surprisingly, she was introduced to her ex Justin Theroux by Robert Downey Jr. This seems like, very random, but I guess it’s proof that love can happen in literally any way.
Meghan Markle & Prince Harry
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Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Sussex is expecting a baby in the Spring of 2019. Their Royal Highnesses have appreciated all of the support they have received from people around the world since their wedding in May and are delighted to be able to share this happy news with the public. ?PA
This is the setup that made women all over the world question the dedication and loyalty of their friends. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex were set up by a mystery mutual friend, and Meghan insists she didn’t really know anything about Harry before meeting him. She’s always said the only thing she asked was “Is he nice?,” which is what my mom asks me when she brings up a guy I went on one date with six months ago.
So you might not have A-list movie star friends to set you up on dates with other A-list movie stars, but that’s not really the point. Dating isn’t always fun, and having your friends in the picture can make it a little more enjoyable, and improve your results. Rather than wasting your time (and mental energy) alone on the apps, let your friends in your Ship crew do the heavy lifting for you. Maybe you’ll meet your Prince Harry (if you do, please tell him to slide in my DMs), or at least someone decent who won’t ignore your texts.
Images: Shutterstock; @priyankachopra, @joejonas, @calvinharris, @benjaminmadden, @johnkrasinski, @justintheroux, @kensingtonroyal / Instagram
It’s been almost four months since the royal wedding, and I’ll be honest, I miss it. From approximately February through May, a solid 50% of my mental energy was devoted to Meghan Markle, and I was loving every scrap of news about her and her crazy family. Well, Meghan has settled nicely into her new life as the Duchess of Sussex, but her American family is no less batsh*t. In case you haven’t been keeping up with the Markles (E! Network, please get on this), here’s your much-needed update on what Samantha and Thomas have been up to lately.
The first bit of major drama involves Meghan’s time on Suits. I’m still obsessed with the fact the the former star of a USA show is literally a princess, so sign me up. Recently, Wendell Pierce, who played Meghan’s dad on the show, publicly slammed Meghan’s real dad, Thomas Markle, for the negative things he’s said about Meghan. Basically, Thomas is a messy b*tch who lives for drama, even if it means throwing his daughter under the bus. Wendell, who actually seems like he would be a good dad, told The Daily Telegraph “If you love your daughter, just love your daughter. It’s not for public consumption.” Shots fired.
Lucky for us, the Markle family is way too desperate to just let something like this go. Samantha, Meghan’s half sister, hit back at Wendell Pierce on Twitter, saying that his advice is “like a television president telling the White House what to do.” Ooh, sick burn. In the past, this might have been a solid analogy, but at this point I would really kill for Robin Wright or Julia Louis-Dreyfus to get in there and take control. Claire Underwood is the only one who can save us now.
I’m also a big fan of the random quotation marks around “stop sucking” in the second tweet. Not only is Samantha Markle a crappy sister, but she apparently is not so hot at English grammar. I’m not even going to pretend to be surprised.
And, because one questionable White House metaphor is never enough, Samantha had to try another one. In some more unhinged tweets, Sammy Markle fully compared Meghan to Donald Trump:
“Trump said he ‘could shoot someone and still get votes’…The ‘ant line mentality’ is the same here. Stop being gullible. Smiles and waves are a smokescreen.”
What??? Everyone is entitled to their own opinions about Meghan Markle and whether she’s a nice girl or whatever, but this really seems like a stretch. Like, she’s a princess who just goes to charity events and looks pretty in tasteful dresses, not a political leader with worse judgment than drunk me at 3AM. I won’t pretend to know what goes down between Meghan and her family behind closed doors, but Samantha’s tweets are desperate AF.
The one good thing in all of this is that, apparently, Queen Elizabeth has been super supportive of Meghan during the drama with her family. Understandably, Meghan is stressed about the situation, and at this point it’s unclear if it’s even worth reaching out to her dad. But an “Us Weekly Buckingham Palace source” (seriously, who are these people??) said “what may surprise some is just how supportive Her Majesty has been during the problems Meghan has faced with her family. Meghan is in a tough place, and the queen knows it’s completely out of Meghan’s hands. She has only sympathy for what’s been a difficult and distressing situation for her.” Wow, this seems like major growth, considering that a few hundred years ago, they probably would’ve just beheaded Meghan and started over.
The source says that Meghan is worried that if she did reach out to her father, he would just record their conversation and sell it to the press. This is obviously very cynical, but she’s not wrong. Thomas Markle has proven time and time again to be completely shameless when it comes to exploiting his daughter for fame, so he would definitely have TMZ listening on the phone in the next room.
My personal favorite piece in all of this drama is Samantha Markle’s reality TV debut that never actually happened. Way back in July, it was reported that she would be a contestant on the new season of Celebrity Big Brother in the UK. The new season was allegedly going to feature lots of stars that had been embroiled in controversy, and Sammy Markle seemed like a big get. My all-time fave Stormy Daniels was also set to appear. I was actually pretty excited to see them on the show, but then…they weren’t on it.
Two days after the season premiered, Samantha took to Twitter to clear things up (sort of):
Again, grammar is not her strong suit. I do really love that someone called her out, considering that she had been tweeting about being on TV for the previous weeks. I’m really just dying to know what this “I other opportunity” is, because I still haven’t gotten sick of Samantha Markle content. Luckily, she’s apparently working on a memoir, with the working title The Diary of Princess Pushy’s Sister. This sounds like a children’s book that teaches you how to share, and I can’t f*cking wait to preorder it. God bless this mess of a family.
Images: @SammyMarkle64 / Twitter (2); Giphy
The world went to sleep Friday evening without a Princess Meghan and awoke on Saturday technically without a Princess Meghan because she is Duchess Meghan, but let’s disregard that. We had a Royal Wedding! I’m using the Royal “We” because of the occasion and because I felt very emotionally attached to the all of the diamonds on display.
The first person to arrive at the royal wedding was the Queen Oprah. I would’ve thought she’d arrive closer to the ceremony, but I can’t pretend to understand the British royal traditions. Oprah was wearing a lovely blush dress that she supposedly had made overnight when she realized her other outfit photographed too white. Obviously, Kate Middleton did not get that memo.
Actual footage of Kate getting ready for the wedding:
Other guests included British people that Americans care about like David Beckham, Priyanka Chopra, James Corden, Elton John, and Amal Clooney. In an act of sadism, Harry’s exes Chelsy Davey and Cressida Bonas attended the wedding. This feels like cruel and unusual punishment, which is perhaps one of the reasons America fought so hard to free themselves from British rule. *Takes notes for my wedding*
Don’t wanna panic you all but I think Chelsy Davy might object. #RoyalWedding pic.twitter.com/TTeqHMIoCH
— Hanna Ines Flint (@HannaFlint) May 19, 2018
First to arrive to the wedding in what looked like a minivan was Hot Ginger Prince and his less hot, yet somehow more important brother, Prince William. They looked like sexy toy soldiers, and it was confusing and forced me to take a good, hard look at my life. Next, Meghan’s mother, Doria—who looked absolutely stunning, like a sweet pear—arrived, followed by the Queen wearing a green screen sewed into a dress. The Queen’s husband, who surely has a name that I don’t feel like Googling because I woke up at 4am for this shit, is 97 and made it to the wedding. What a champ.
Finally, a parade of burgundy Rolls-Royces pulled up and a bunch of young children who looked like angels poured out of them. Behind them was the woman of the hour, Meghan Markle. The children were all her bridal party, which seems like an insane power move on Meghan’s part. No one can upstage you when they can’t fully form words and who need help using the bathroom from their parents. I see you, Meghan.
When Meghan exited the car, there was a palatable silence, followed by two, like, third grade boys helping unravel the tulle veil she was trapped in. Odd choice to have two small boys only adept in armpit farts to help you with your bustle, but again, I do not claim to understand this culture. I am only here for the Bellinis and the diamonds.
This is a good time to go into a few wedding details. The guest list topped out at around 3,300 people, which included the 600 people in the chapel and the 2,600 commoners allowed to stand on the grass and scream Meghan and Harry’s name. The cake was made by Claire Ptak and was lemon and elderberry cake. The dress was Givenchy, which every news anchor had to pronounce in a bizarre fake British accent approximately 19 times per protocol, and Meghan wore a convertible tiara. What’s that exactly? A tiara where you can switch out the diamond brooch with a new diamond brooch whenever you feel like it. That seems unnecessary given that Meghan could probably afford a different diamond tiara to wear every hour of the wedding, but I guess I appreciate the attempt to relate to us peasants.
Okay, so after waiting for approximately 14 lifetimes, during which time I have aged 87 years, had a child, and retired from my job, Meghan finally enters the chapel on her own because her father accidentally scheduled heart surgery the day of the wedding. It’s cool though, she looks gorgeous and stunning. When Harry sees her he cries. Doria cries. I cry. Diana’s ghost cries. The Queen, per protocol, does not cry.
Meghan gets to the front of the chapel and Harry mouths to her that she is beautiful and he is lucky. In this moment I am very horny for love and, of course, diamonds. You can almost hear the sound of women all over the world asking their significant others why they never look at them the way Harry looks at Meghan. A boring British man in regal robes repeats in various forms that God Is Love and Love is God and British people sit down and stand up throughout the speech. This is all pre-fodder for the main event, which is Bishop Michael Curry, who breathes life into the old musty walls of St. George’s Chapel with his sermon “The Power of Love.”
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It’s literally the most moving sermon I’ve ever heard, and the only thing more stunning than hearing him preach the power of love is watching these old Brits have literally no clue what to do with someone showing this much emotion. During this time, I’ve decided that I have recommitted myself to the Lord and am moving to wherever this man resides to hear him speak every Sunday.
Also breathing life into the antiquated, though very beautiful, church is The Kingdom Choir. They sing “Stand By Me” and if you didn’t cry you have to rescind your human card and out yourself as an alien. That being said, the Queen did not cry.
The boring British priest returns and pronounces them husband and wife but calls them Henry and Rachel which is jarring because that is not what I call them! But that is what God calls them, I guess, so they have to use those names in church. Still, for a moment there it was all very reminiscent of Ross and Emily’s wedding. Anyway, Meghan and Harry or Rachel and Henry then exit the chapel and everyone is very happy and when they walk outside they are finally allowed to kiss publicly, for what I imagine must be the first time in their relationship.
Then, like all princesses eventually do, Meghan steps into her horse drawn carriage with the hottest most ginger prince to ever exist and they trot around Windsor Palace until the two of them turn back into a field mice sitting in a large pumpkin. It was the happiest day of my life. I wish those two beautiful field mice a lifetime of happiness. Also let me know if you are ever putting that convertible tiara on Poshmark.
Images: Giphy (4)
You might have heard there was a wedding this weekend! The world’s favorite royal and most obvious example that what happens in Vegas does not actually stay in Vegas, Prince Harry, married Deal or No Deal briefcase girl Meghan Markle. Congratulations! I’m sure they will be very happy together for the next 18 months. In all seriousness, the royal wedding was gorgeous and the dress was underwhelming, but that’s not why I was watching. I’m here for the hats and the fascinators. Didn’t I just sound so British there? Being a Jersey girl myself, I’ve not had the opportunity to wear a balls-out-bonkers hat to a wedding. They frown upon that in my home state, but you can bring all the cleavage you want. We’re a complicated people.
I had high hopes for this wedding, since all the celebrities that befriended Meghan when they found out she was dating Prince Harry were invited to attend *cough* Oprah *cough*. Also, we all remember how Harry’s cousin Princess Beatrice loves to upstage the bride.
Another protocol for ladies attending the wedding this weekend: Royal protocol says that women must wear hats/fascinators to all official occasions. This custom dates back to the ‘50s, when aristocratic women rarely showed their hair in public. Pictured here is Princess Beatrice at Will & Kate’s wedding…. yup, lots of feedback received on her hat post wedding! ???????? ——————————— #Royalprotocol #theroyals #meghanandharry #harryandmeghan #meganmarkle #royalwedding #theroyalwedding #fascinator #fascinators #ladieshats #customs #royalcustoms #weddingguests #weddingguestetiquette #PrincessBeatrice #PrincessBeatricehat ???? ???? ❤️ ????
So imagine my disappointed surprise when I saw that only a select few celebs really brought it. I can only imagine they heard the bride’s dress was going to be boring af and decided to follow Suits suit? Let’s take a look at some of the standout pieces.
Since we’re talking about the royals, it’s only appropriate to begin with America’s Queen, Her Royal Highness Oprah Winfrey. As my work friend just commented, Oprah looked a little cray-cray. Her hat designer managed to create a bespoke piece that included feathers that reach all the way to Chicago from Windsor Castle. It’s a modern engineering marvel. I pity the fool who had to sit behind her.
Thank you @stellamccartney ! Realized Friday morning the beige dress I was planning to wear to Royal ceremony would photograph too “white” for a wedding.Her team did this overnite. Hat is vintage @philiptreacy been in my closet since 2005 with new feathers. OMG was this an extraordinary day! #Harry&Meghan #RoyalWedding #Lovedeveryminute
If you read my Bella Thorne article, you know I think Serena is the GOAT. She can do no wrong in my eyes, and she is certainly the GOAT in the hat department of this wedding. I can only imagine her fascinator was modeled in the image of a flame because Serena shoots straight fire on the court and in this outfit. How many more compliments do we think I need to give her for her to call me?
Amal Clooney is British, so I figured she would know better than others how to toe the line of totally insane but also respectful. And we all know she loves a fugly outfit (that Met Gala dress, amiright?). But instead, she dressed like classic school girl character Madeline.
It’s been widely reported that the Quantico actress is one of Meghan’s closest friends. So naturally when she got the invitation to the royal wedding, she went right to her stylist and said “Gimme one that looks like a spaceship, only purple.” And they did just that. After the wedding it conveniently transported her back to her home planet of crazy.
I’d be remiss to write this article and not mention that Spencer Hastings was there! Her hat was perfectly lovely and normal and frankly I expected more from a woman that agreed to play her own identical twin on TV just because the writers ran out of ideas. I can only hope that Troian spent the whole wedding using her SPOT-ON Alex Drake British accent.
Weddings are a joyous occasion. But today was just off the charts amazing. Congratulations Meghan and Harry. I am so grateful I got to witness your love today. There are many happy years to come. Also. Thank you so much @annabelleharron & @temperleylondon for making me feel so beautiful on such a momentous occasion. And last but definitely not least… thank you @halfadams for being your devastatingly handsome self and letting me come along for the ride.
Clearly the celebrities did not bring their A-game to this wedding. Fingers crossed the reception outfits were better and that in 20 years I’ll be writing about the Oprah-Prince George power couple wedding.
Images: Getty Images; @2_greek_chicks, @oprah, @serenawilliams, @people, @priyankachopra, @sleepinthegardn / Instagram
Meghan Markle’s family tree is more twisted than a CW TV show family’s, and Bart Bass faked his own death so that’s saying something. From backstabbing and tell-all books to an altercation at gunpoint, this family is seriously ready for its prime time miniseries. Luckily, we never leave you in the dark after an especially complicated Bachelor episode, and we would never leave you confused before the royal wedding either. Welcome to our recap of all the Markle family drama, just in time for the only TV event we’re more excited for than the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise.
Dad – Thomas Markle Senior
Like most of you, Meghan has a tense relationship with her dad. Although reports that Meghan and her father were formerly estranged have been contested by the family, Harry has not yet met Thomas Sr., which is a red flag for a father-daughter relationship if I’ve ever seen one. So, the plan was to meet your daughter’s royal fiancé at the wedding? Can’t believe that didn’t go off without a hitch!
Before we dive into the various wedding scandals involving Thomas Markle, let’s start with a little background. Like many betches, Meghan has divorced parents. Thomas and Meghan’s mom Doria Ragland divorced when Meghan was 6 years old, and Thomas now lives in Mexico. He has two children from a prior marriage who, like all royal step-siblings, turn out to be basically evil. More on that in a minute. Throughout Meghan’s childhood Thomas worked in TV including appearances on Married with Children and General Hospital. He actually won a daytime Emmy, so one for you Thomas Markle! You go Thomas Markle!
Thomas Markle has changed his mind on whether he is attending this wedding more times than Trump talking about Stormy Daniels. Kensington Palace initially stated that he would be attending and walking Meghan down the aisle. Soon after, incredibly meme-able paparazzi photos of Thomas prepping for the wedding by working out, googling Meghan and Harry, and reading a photo book about England started surfacing in British tabloids. Because all good things are a lie in 2018, these photos were fake news. Thomas admitted to TMZ that he staged the photos with paparazzi for money. Very mature fatherly behavior.
Feeling guilty about using his daughter’s impending nuptials to make extra cash, Thomas then told TMZ that he would not be attending the wedding in order to avoid embarrassing Meghan further and because he was also dealing with health issues. Like all governments these days, Kensington Palace apparently gets their news via social media and was reportedly “blindsided” by TMZ tweeting this news. Meghan herself was apparently distraught, probably because she would rather not be walked down the aisle by a random elderly duke or whoever, and apparently asked Thomas to come anyway. On Tuesday, he briefly claimed that he would try to come if his doctors would allow it, before reneging yet again and confirming that he would not be attending as he is being treated for a recent heart attack. It’s unclear who will be walking Meghan down the aisle, but the BBC literally thinks it might be her dog. Sounds…ruff.
Half Sister – Samantha Grant
Samantha has been talking shit about Meghan to the press since Harry and Meghan’s relationship first became public. Apparently, the half sisters have not seen each other since 2008 (despite Samantha’s claims that she “raised Meghan from when she was 12”) and she was not invited to the wedding. But don’t feel too bad for her. Sam will be following in the hallowed family tradition of attempting to profit off Meghan’s life by traveling to London anyway to comment on the wedding for British morning shows.
Samantha’s aggressively rude comments to the press include calling Meghan a “social climber” and criticizing Prince Harry for saying the royals could be the family Meghan did not grow up with. Samantha has also been complaining about Meghan attempting to silence her petty ass. She told TMZ that she would definitely not be shutting up, saying “there’s something in this country called freedom of speech. She doesn’t have the copyright on that.” I don’t think that is how copyright works, but ok. Oh, and she is reportedly writing a tell-all memoir about being Meghan’s sister called The Diary of Princess Pushy’s Sister, which I can only imagine is a shit-talking manifesto.
Also, this bitch claims she was the mastermind behind the Thomas Markle meme-gate. She tweeted that working with the paparazzi to stage photos was her idea. Like most bizarre and unhinged individuals in 2018, Samantha is based in Florida.
Half Brother – Thomas Markle Jr.
Meghan’s other half sibling might be even worse than Samantha, though I honestly feel like I’m being forced to choose my favorite Gossip Girl villain at this point. Thomas is also reportedly somewhat estranged from his half sister, and has not seen her since 2011. The fact that he clearly barely knows her has not stopped him from writing multiple sad, handwritten letters to InTouch talking shit about Meghan.
He literally addressed one letter to Prince Harry, urging him to call off the wedding, writing “it’s not too late,” “Meghan is obviously not the right woman for you,” and “she is acting phony.” In another, he wrote directly to Meghan and begged for an invite, while also claiming he loved her. Sorry, but telling someone’s fiancé they are making the “biggest mistake in royal wedding history” is probably not the best way to get invited to their wedding. Unsurprisingly, Thomas is not invited and will be joining his sister Samantha in London as a morning news commentator.
Markle’s brother writes letter telling Prince Harry to call off their wedding
In the letter shared with In Touch Weekly, Thomas, from Oregon, writes:
Dear Prince Harry,
It’s not too late, Meghan Markle is obviously not the right woman for you.
As more time passes to your r… pic.twitter.com/cFXdYxCITo
— JAIYEORIE (@jaiyeorienews) May 10, 2018
Thomas is also involved in the only actual criminal drama in this family (yet). He was arrested in 2017 for putting a gun to his girlfriend’s head, only to blame it on his drinking and promise he would get sober. Sorry, but I have blacked out more times than I can count without holding anyone up at gunpoint. It’s not that hard.
To top all this off, Thomas Markle Sr. claims that Jr.’s InTouch letter triggered his heart attack. Honestly, at this point, same.
Random Nephew – Tyler Dooley
Thomas Jr.’s son Tyler seemed to have some delusional idea that he could get invited to the wedding despite his father’s indiscretions, and recently appeared on a British talk show claiming he and his brother might still get an invite. Like all Markle relatives, he too apparently sees Meghan’s life as a business opportunity, and is growing an honorary strain of cannabis for the occasion called “Markle’s Sparkle.” I can’t make this shit up.
Mom – Doria Ragland
I know you probably feel like you needed an Adderall to keep track of all the scandals in this article, but congratulations, you made it to the end! As a reward, I give you one Markle family member that doesn’t seem horrible. Meghan’s mom, Doria Ragland, actually seems incredible. She is a social worker at a nonprofit mental health clinic in Los Angeles, and teaches yoga on the side. Also, she is the only family member who has actually met Prince Harry, and he says she’s amazing.
With three days until the Royal Wedding, anything could happen in this family. For Megan’s sake, I hope she has access to Xanax in Kensington Palace.
The royal wedding is less than three months away, and details are starting to fall into place about the special day. Earlier, we got a closer look at the itinerary for the special day, but today we got even better info: The Spice Girls are performing at the royal wedding.
Start crimping your hair and put on your shortest minidress, because this is a full-fledged pop culture emergency. We got early confirmation of the exciting news on Wednesday, when Mel B appeared on The Real (it’s a knockoff of The View) and spilled the beans. The ladies on the show first asked if Mel knew anyone going to the wedding, to which her response was basically like “bitch please I’M going to the wedding.” She revealed that all five Spice Girls got invitations, and the ladies put two and two together that this meant a performance was likely. Mel B acknowledged that this was correct, before adding that she would probably get fired for sharing the top-secret information.
With the wedding happening on May 19, this performance should serve as a good warmup before their alleged world tour this summer. Victoria Beckham says the tour isn’t happening, but I really need her to be wrong.
So now let’s discuss what this already iconic wedding performance will look like. As we reported previously, the wedding day will consist of a traditional ceremony, followed by a large reception, and then a private family party later in the evening. So there are lots of possibilities for what Posh, Scary, Sporty, Baby, and Ginger could be cooking up.
Honestly, there’s no reason that the Spice Girls, patron saints of girl groups everywhere, shouldn’t perform at the ceremony. They could wear sequined angel costumes (complete with wings, obvi), and sing pop arrangements of classic Anglican hymns. There wouldn’t be a dry eye in the house, and it would have nothing to do with Meghan Markle looking stunning.
More realistically, the Spice Girls will probably perform at the bigger reception. We’re hoping it’s a super legit setup with lasers, fog, and wind machines, and that they perform for a minimum of 45 minutes. Think Super Bowl halftime show, but with a bigger budget and more time. The world deserves this, so there will obviously be an HD livestream for all of us to enjoy. There is nothing about this that seems unreasonable to me.
That just leaves the smaller, private family event, and the Spice Girls would be a great choice for that as well. I’m thinking a chill acoustic setup, with just five stools and a guitarist, so that the artistry of each individual Spice Girl can really shine through. They’ll perform an hour-long set of some of their lesser-known hits, as well as covers of Adele songs. Hopefully the space will be really small, so Queen Elizabeth will be seated less than 10 feet from these five other British Queens. I also require that Ginger Spice wears her bedazzled Union Jack minidress, because patriotism.
So, that’s what the real itinerary should look like for the
royal wedding Spice Girls reunion weekend extravaganza. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle can direct any questions to me, because I am now in charge of planning this whole thing. But really, the Spice Girls are performing, and we couldn’t be happier about it.
Images: Columbia Pictures; Giphy (3)
There are many important parts of any successful wedding: the perfect dress, the perfect venue, comfortable shoes, and high stress levels that will give you multiple mental breakdowns before the day is over. Any wedding is stressful but our new look into the royal wedding itinerary is making me rethink my desire to be the next Meghan Markle, because yikes.
This isn’t like a regular wedding, it’s a cool wedding. The ceremony will be at noon at St. George’s Chapel, which is literally the most beautiful building I’ve ever seen, and I think I want to be buried there. The Archbishop of Canterbury, who’s basically like the British version of the Pope, is officiating the ceremony, so like no pressure. At 1pm there’s a carriage procession back to the castle (naturally), where there will be a larger reception followed by an intimate party for close family and friends. Two wedding receptions is such a relatable choice, I’m def adding that to my Pinterest board.
The wedding service will begin at 12noon at St George's Chapel. The Dean of Windsor will conduct the service and The Archbishop of Canterbury will officiate as the couple make their vows. pic.twitter.com/dTS56fy22c
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) February 12, 2018
We’re still patiently waiting on our invite, which is probably just lost in the mail? Ha ha, right guys?? We’re really curious if any of Meghan’s actor friends/trash people managed to get invites, and if so they’ll probably be seated at the absolute shittiest table in the corner. I really need footage of the entire cast of Suits arguing over who has to go over and say hello to the Queen, because that will be a shitshow.
We only have approximately three months left before this wedding, so I’m really sorry but it will be all I’m talking about from now on. Please feel free to approach me with conspiracy theories about who’s designing the dress, or how they’ll honor Diana during the ceremony, but I really don’t want to hear about anything else.
We all know that capitalism is the root of evil in the world, which is the only possible explanation for these dolls that are allegedly supposed to look like Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Meghan’s doll looks like a cross between an uglier version of Samantha Parkington (the American Girl, duh) and the world’s blurriest photo of Meghan, while Harry’s is…much worse.
He has brown hair and eyes instead of red/blue, and he looks like a reject villain from the Toy Story movies. Like what is with the actual shape of this doll’s eyes here? Why is he wearing the exact out fit the Prince in Cinderella wears? Why does he have a bowl cut? And most importantly WHY ISN’T HIS HAIR RED? Red hair is like, Prince Harry’s defining feature. Isn’t the whole *point* of Prince Harry that he’s a ginger? Why else is he here?
Let me list the things that are wrong with these new ‘Harry & Meghan’ dolls.
1. Everything. pic.twitter.com/HJTRrQzTqS
— Michael Moran (@TheMichaelMoran) January 18, 2018
As for Meghan…it’s a no from us. First of all, the face is a lot more “Bride Of Chucky” than it is “former Deal or No Deal suitcase holder turned Suits star turned Princess.” (Yes I do know Meghan will not actually be a Princess don’t @ me.) And I mean, sure they got the hair color right here, but why the f does this doll have jowls? Plus I’ll shit a brick if Meghan wears a dress this fugly down the aisle. And like, just to keep it absolutely 100, but this doll reads a lot more as “Becky after a day in the Sun” than “first African-American royal.”
The worst part? The dolls are being sold for a cool $180 on Etsy, but the nightmares are completely free with or without purchase. God save the Queen.