The British Royals As ‘Mean Girls’ Characters, Because Those Flower Girl Dresses Were Disgusting

Oprah’s recent interview with Meghan Markle and Prince Harry was basically a real-life, televised Burn Book. While their accusations are not bound up in a pretty pink book, Meghan and Harry dropped major bombshells all the same. Trade the hallways of North Shore High School for the ballrooms of Buckingham Palace and throw in some English accents, and voilà—you’ve got a modern-day British Mean Girls. In the immortal words of Damian, the Plastics are “teen royalty. If North Shore was Us Weekly, they would be always on the cover.” Substitute “The U.K.” for “North Shore” and The Sun or Daily Mail for Us Weekly, and you’re watching Regina George’s reign of terror all over again. Listening to Meghan recount the bullying, racism, and isolation she endured from the Royal Family and the British press was disturbing, to say the least, and it definitely made me wistful for the days when we could all get along like we used to in middle school. In the interview, Meghan and Harry spilled the royal family tea as freely as Regina stuffed her face with Kälteen bars, so I thought it was high time to imagine the members of the British Royal Family—and the other people involved in “Megxit”—as the characters of Mean Girls.

Meghan as Cady

 

Just like when Cady began high school after being homeschooled in another country, Meghan was a total outsider and foreigner when she became British royalty. (Can you hear the Queen shouting, “She doesn’t even go here!”?) Also like Cady, she entered an ingénue and was hit smack-dab in the face by the toxicity of her environment. Sadly for Meghan, she didn’t have the guidance of Janis and Damian when navigating the who, what, and where of the British monarchy; as Meghan states in the interview, she had no formal training or instruction on how to be royal. I mean, she had to Google the national anthem and be shown by Harry how to curtsey just a few minutes before she met the Queen. And although Meghan didn’t need to come up with a plan on a chalkboard to take down the monarchy, she still destroyed the Plastics in her own way.

Kate Middleton as Gretchen Wieners

 

I’m going to come right out and say it: just like Gretchen, who’s always trying to get Regina’s approval, Kate is a classic “pick me” girl, and you just know she sucks up to Her Majesty the Queen constantly. In the interview, we learn that the rumor that Meghan made Kate cry about flower girl dresses is, in fact, the exact opposite of the truth—instead, Kate actually made Meghan cry almost as hard as if she’d told Meghan hoop earrings were her thing. At least we know that Kate gave Meghan an actual apology, and not an, “I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m popular.” I’m also willing to bet that Kate told Meghan that the flower girl dresses were so not fetch. 

Harry as Aaron Samuels

 

Like Aaron, who is in the middle of a tug-of-war between Cady and Regina, Harry is in the middle of a tug-of-war between his wife and his family, who has had a hold over him for three decades. As Harry revealed in the interview, until he met Meghan, “I myself was trapped. I didn’t see a way out. I was trapped but I didn’t know I was trapped.” Aaron is also trapped in his relationship with Regina, who controls his every move, until he’s saved by his relationship with Cady (which, after some word vomit, is a much healthier one). Plus, Harry’s hair definitely looks sexy pushed back, whereas William’s hairline is already pushed back off his head.

“The Firm” as Regina

 

In the wise words of Janis Ian, Regina is “a life ruiner. She ruins people’s lives.” And the Crown nearly did ruin Meghan’s life, in the most literal of ways. Plus, it just so happens that the name Regina means “Queen” in Latin. Like Regina, The Firm is a pro at perpetuating false narratives. Remember how Regina imitated a Planned Parenthood employee to get Taylor Wedell’s mom to think she was pregnant so she’d stop seeing Jason? According to the interview, The Firm also allowed fake stories to spread, refusing to correct the false narratives about Meghan being a diva and rude to her staff (and the thing about making Kate cry, as we discussed above). 

The tricky part in this casting assignment is pinpointing exactly who plays the role of Regina. Meghan and Harry were quick to separate the Royal Family from the Crown as an institution (or “The Firm”), saying that The Firm is to blame. Whether this means high-ranking non-royal employees who work for the family or specific members of the family that Meghan and Harry don’t want to name, who’s to say? Personally, my money is on Prince Charles. When it came to the racist comments made about the couple’s future baby’s skin, Oprah confirms that it was not Queen Elizabeth nor Prince Philip, which narrows down the suspects. Harry revealed in the interview that his father, Prince Charles, wouldn’t take his phone calls for a period of time (screening calls is such a Regina move). At this point, Charles has lost Aaron Samuels (aka Harry), and he never had a hot body, so all that’s left is his army of skanks royal enablers.

Prince William as Coach Carr

 

You’ve heard the rumors about Will cheating on a pregnant Kate Middleton, right? So not grool, and so hard to believe based on the attractiveness disparity between the two… but then again, Jay-Z did cheat on Beyoncé. This is why Prince William makes the perfect Coach Carr. Like Carr, who made out with two of his students, Will has (allegedly) been in an inappropriate relationship. Let’s just hope William is a better sex ed teacher than Coach Carr.

The British Press as The Burn Book

 

I mean, this one is obvious. Both the British tabloids and the Burn Book are written by some stupid girls (and men) that make up rumors because they’re bored with their own lame lives.

Oprah as Ms. Norbury

 

“Raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by the British Crown” – Oprah, during the entire interview. Like Ms. Norbury, Oprah isn’t taking sh*t from anyone, not even the Queen of England. Ms. Norbury doesn’t let anyone off the hook, including Cady, and Oprah similarly pressed for honesty and healing. They’re pushers, but in the best way.

Thomas Markle as Mrs. George

 

Regina’s mom is the ultimate attention-seeking parent, with the one key difference being that Mrs. George is actually supportive. As Meghan revealed in the interview, her father, Thomas, spoke to the British tabloids behind her back for his 15 minutes of fame. What a grotsky little biotch. While Mrs. George at least tries to be a good parent (she’s always there to offer a snack or a condom), she and Thomas Markle share the same parental cringe-factor and thirst for attention.

Tyler Perry as Damian

 

Tyler Perry plays a minor but important role in the “Megxit saga,” revealing himself to be the ultimate sidekick. Damian is always in Cady’s corner, teaching her the ins and outs of North Shore’s cliques and letting her borrow his pink shirt for her Wednesdays with the Plastics. On a slightly more grand scale, Tyler Perry let Meghan and Harry use his house and security detail after they announced they were stepping back from royal duties and the Royal Family revoked the couple’s security protection. We love good friends like Perry and Damian.

On Wednesdays, the Plastics wear pink, and on Sunday, Meghan and Harry spilled tea. Their shocking revelations no doubt hit the Royal Family like the bus that hit Regina George (too bad it wasn’t a double decker bus). Here’s to hoping Tina Fey has a British Mean Girls spinoff in the works.

Images: Samir Hussein/Samir Hussein/WireImage; Giphy

UPDATED: The Most Interesting Details From The New Book About Meghan And Harry

In the time vortex that is 2020, it’s easy to forget anything that happened before coronavirus came along and ruined everything. But there were two whole months of this year that came and went pre-pandemic, and we spent approximately 50% of that time talking about Meghan and Harry’s decision to step back from the Royal family. Yes, all of this happened in 2020, no matter how long ago it feels.

In the few months since the Sussex fam officially peaced the f*ck out of their royal duties, they’ve kept a pretty low profile. They’re chilling in LA these days, and thanks to the pandemic, they, like the rest of us, have barely been leaving the house. Back in April, they volunteered for a food delivery organization, Meghan narrated a Disney nature documentary, and last week, they filed a lawsuit over paparazzi photos of their 14-month-old son that were taken with a drone. You know, just average pandemic things.

But now, Harry and Meghan are back in the headlines in a major way, because of a new book that allegedly tells the behind the scenes story of their time in the Royal family. Finding Freedom, which came out today, is written by Omid Scobie and Carolyn Durand, “two top royal reporters who have been behind the scenes since the couple first met,” and the sneak peeks at the book have already revealed a lot of interesting information. (Of course, Meghan and Harry haven’t authorized the book, so take this all with a grain of salt.) Here’s what we’ve learned so far.

crazy that at the beginning of 2020 Meghan and Harry were still royals and I was still wearing a bra every day

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 29, 2020

They Were Secretly Engaged

Harry and Meghan announced their engagement in November 2017, and said that he had popped the question earlier that month, while they were making dinner at home. Lame, but okay. But in the new book, the authors say that the couple “became secretly engaged in August,” and chose not to tell anyone for a few months. If this timeline is accurate, it would mean that they got engaged after just over a year of dating, so maybe they didn’t want the engagement to seem so rushed? It seems odd to tell such a specific lie about when they got engaged, but idk, royal society is weird. The authors also say that Harry told Meghan he loved her after just three months of dating, so clearly things were moving quickly from the beginning. (And I’m just trying to get a guy to meet my friends after three months…)

The Palace Didn’t Love Meghan

This may not be shocking news, but Finding Freedom includes some quotes that are pretty rough. Scobie and Durand say that they once heard a member of the Royal family call Meghan “Harry’s showgirl,” which is a major yikes. According to the book, members of the family’s staff also had negative things to say about her, including that she “comes with a lot of baggage,” which I imagine is referring to her previous divorce. Another more vague complaint, was reportedly that there was something about her they “don’t trust”. Whether these things were petty gossip or straight-up racism, no wonder Meghan was ready to get out of that place.

William Really Did Warn Harry About Meghan

It’s long been rumored that a rift between William and Harry began when William warned his brother about moving too fast with Meghan, and according to the book, this mythical conversation between the Royal brothers really did happen. Scobie and Durand say that William reached out to Harry when he started getting serious with Meghan, and told him to “take as much time as you need to get to know this girl,” so that he was not “blindsided by lust.” Apparently, Harry was “pissed off” about this, which like, duh. This convo reportedly went down in 2016, and by the following summer (when Harry and Meg allegedly got engaged), the relationship between the brothers had almost completely deteriorated. The advance excerpts from the book don’t mention anything about Prince William’s alleged cheating scandal, but I imagine that only would have made things worse between him and his brother.

Meghan & Kate Didn’t Hate Each Other

One of the most persistent rumors that followed the family was that of a bitter feud between the Royal sisters-in-law. In Finding Freedom, Scobie and Durand say that this was never really the case. They clarify that Meghan and Kate “struggled to move past the distant politeness of when they first met,” but that they were “not at war with each other,” as the media suggested. They write that “Meghan and Kate just didn’t know each other that well,” and for what it’s worth, “Kate did little to bridge the divide.”

Honestly, this sounds like a very normal relationship between in-laws. Like, it sucks that they weren’t closer, but sometimes two people just aren’t meant to be ~sisters~. It’s exciting to imagine some kind of Bride Wars rivalry, but it makes sense that these are two adult women who probably never spent that much time together outside of official family functions—especially if their husbands were at odds with each other.

The Decision To Leave Was Harry’s

Meghan was almost always treated poorly by the British press, so it makes sense that they blamed her for the couple’s decision to step back from their royal duties. But according to the new book, the choice was Harry’s. They write that while Meghan’s presence “opened the door” to leaving, she was willing to do “whatever it takes” to stay. But Harry was done with the whole royal experience. The authors say that he told a friend, “I don’t need to have that movie moment where we get out of a car and wave to a hundred photographers before going into a building.” Instead, he wanted to “focus on what really matters.”

UPDATE: Now that the book is finally out, there’s even more palace goss to get into. Again, take it all with a grain of salt, but here are more things we learned from Finding Freedom.

The First Date

It’s not like, shocking that Meghan and Harry had a bougie first date, but I find it amusing that they met for the first time at the Soho House. Well, not the Soho House, but their Dean Street location in London. Apparently, they “chatted over drinks” for three hours, but didn’t kiss that night. But obviously things went well, because they came back to the same place for dinner the next night. Considering Harry can obviously get a reservation anywhere, I’m not sure I’d be impressed with him taking me the same place two dates in a row, but whatever, I guess he liked the privacy.

Pippa’s Wedding Drama

Kate Middleton’s sister Pippa got married in the spring of 2017, and Harry planned to bring his then-girlfriend Meghan as his date. But not long before the wedding, there was a tabloid story comparing Meghan and Pippa’s “backsides.” LMAO, really. Because of the, um, press coverage, it was decided that Meghan should skip the ceremony, but she still got to (quietly) attend the reception. Honestly, being a part of this family sounds f*cking exhausting. When I get married, people are welcome to talk about my ass as much as they want, as long as they’re only saying nice things.

Family Photo Drama

 

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Happy Birthday to Prince Louis, who turns one today. 🎉 This photograph was taken to mark The Prince of Wales’s 70th birthday last year. 📷 @chrisjacksongetty

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Back in 2019, this official photo was released in honor of Prince Charles’ 70th birthday. The photo is super cute, but apparently Harry and William did not want to be there at all. According to Finding Freedom, the scheduling for the photo was “an absolute nightmare,” because “the boys can be hot and cold with their father,” and didn’t really make finding time for the pics a priority. I’m not sure anyone loves taking family photos, but the funny thing about this is that it’s literally a Keeping Up With the Kardashians storyline. Remember when Kim said that Kourtney was the least interesting to look at? That whole argument was about scheduling the photoshoot or the family Christmas card. Maybe the Kardashians really are American royalty?

The Fired Nannys

Remember last year, when the Sussexes went through three different nannies in a matter of weeks? There was a lot of speculation that Meghan and Harry were just difficult to work for, but it sounds like there are clear explanations. In the book, Scobie and Durand write that baby Archie’s first night nurse was fired on her second night on the job for “being unprofessional and irresponsible.” What???? I need MANY more details on what this means. Another night nurse was hired, but ultimately, Meghan and Harry decided they didn’t want someone else taking care of their baby at night. So that’s when nanny number two was let go, and someone else was hired to help out with Archie during the day. I feel like there’s still more to this story, but whatever.

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Images: Samir Hussein/WireImage

Meghan And Harry’s Texts To Thomas Markle Are Messy AF

Over the past month or so, there’s been plenty of messy celebrity news, but almost all of it has revolved around the coronavirus pandemic. Celebrities failing to quarantine, being tone-deaf on social media, trying to profit off the crisis—we’ve seen it all. But we all need a break from quarantine drama, and thankfully today’s messiness has absolutely nothing to do with COVID-19. We’re getting back into the soap opera that is Meghan Markle and her thirsty family, and I couldn’t be happier.

Let’s set the scene with some context. Right now, Meghan Markle is in a legal battle with British tabloid Mail on Sunday, after they published parts of a private letter she wrote to her father, Thomas Markle, in August 2018. In the latest round of legal documentsMail on Sunday says that Thomas showed them the letter after one of Meghan’s friends mentioned it to People, so they did nothing wrong. But Meghan is arguing that she never authorized her friends to speak to People, so Mail on Sunday shouldn’t have even known about the letter. To be honest, I don’t really see why this is Mail on Sunday’s fault—shouldn’t Meghan be punishing whichever “friend” spilled the tea in the first place?

Whatever, I won’t try to decide the legal specifics here, but the latest filings gave us something much more important to talk about: texts that Meghan and Harry sent to Thomas Markle in the days leading up to their wedding. If you’ve ever paid attention to the Markle family, you know that they’re messy bitches who live for drama, so there’s a lot going on here.

On May 3rd, just over two weeks before the royal wedding, Thomas Markle was admitted to the hospital with “acute chest pains.” At the time, Meghan texted her father, saying “I’ve called and texted but haven’t heard back from you so hoping you’re okay.” Okay, supportive! Things weren’t necessarily smooth between them at this point, but it’s nice that she was concerned.

But the tone changed significantly a few days later, when Meghan and Harry learned that Thomas had posed for paparazzi photos in exchange for money. The photos, which clearly show Thomas Googling his daughter at an internet cafe, are low-key iconic. Needless to say, Meghan and Harry weren’t like, super thrilled by this discovery, considering that, according to the legal documents, Meghan had tried to get “logistics and supplies for her father discretely and with privacy, with care taken not to feed the press” and had told him “that he should keep a low profile until the wedding.” Oops!

Then, on May 14th, things took another turn when Thomas Markle said publicly that he would not be able to attend the wedding. Not only was this five days before the wedding, which is definitely not proper etiquette, but he didn’t even tell Meghan and Harry directly. Harry’s texts to Thomas upon finding out are really a sight to behold:

“Tom, it’s Harry and I’m going to call you right now. Please pick up, thank you.”

“Tom, Harry again! Really need to speak to u. U do not need to apologize, we understand the circumstances but ‘going public’ will only make the situation worse. If u love Meg and want to make it right please call me as there are two other options which don’t involve u having to speak to the media, who incidentally created this whole situation. So please call me so I can explain. Meg and I are not angry, we just need to speak to u. Thanks”

“Oh any speaking to the press WILL backfire, trust me Tom. Only we can help u, as we have been trying from day 1”

Okay, a few things. First of all, obsessed with Harry’s use of “u” throughout the texts. We love a royal who loves texting lingo! I also love that Harry introduces himself twice, as if the texts aren’t coming from the same number like, five minutes apart. Don’t worry Harry, I’m pretty sure Thomas knows exactly who it is. But most of all, I love that you can feel Harry’s anger spiraling out of control as the texts go on. Like, when he says “Meg and I are not angry,” don’t let that fool you—he and Meg are ABSOLUTELY angry. And then the way he finishes it off with a casual threat? Iconic, truly.

After that drama, things just got more bizarre the next day. TMZ reported that Thomas had suffered a heart attack, and once again, the tabloids knew before Meghan. Reportedly, Thomas then texted Meghan, and she responded, reminding her father that he’s basically been ghosting her this whole time: “I’ve been reaching out to you all weekend but you’re not taking any of our calls or replying to any texts…”

But to her credit, it actually seems like she was doing everything she could to help her father, even though he wasn’t cooperating at all. She texted him “Very concerned about your health and safety and have taken every measure to protect you but not sure what more we can do if you don’t respond…Do you need help? Can we send the security team down again? I’m very sorry to hear you’re in the hospital but need you to please get in touch with us… What hospital are you at?”

And then, later that day, she said “Harry and I made a decision earlier today and are dispatching the same security guys you turned away this weekend to be a presence on the ground to make sure you’re safe… they will be there at your disposal as soon as you need them. Please please call as soon as you can… all of this is incredibly concerning but your health is most important.”

That’s the last of the texts in the documents, so it’s unclear what happened after that. No matter how you feel about Meghan Markle in general, it seems like she was doing her best to get through to her nightmare of a father. Also, let’s not forget that this was all going down just days before her wedding, so I’m sure she had like, a million other things to be worrying about. So yeah, I can see why she would be hurt when, a few months later, her dad leaked a private letter to some rando tabloid that probably hates her. I get mad when my mom talks about me to her friends, so I can’t even imagine.

This week, Meghan and Harry also sent a letter to the major British tabloids, vowing never to collaborate with or speak to them, so it looks like they’re really focused on tidying up their image and quelling rumors. I’m sure the tabloids still won’t leave them alone, but maybe they’ll chill out a little bit. But even if nothing is going on, there’s clearly still plenty of old drama to talk about.

Photo by Samir Hussein/WireImage

WTF Is Going On With Harry & Meghan?

If you’ve been anywhere near the internet over the last couple weeks, you’ve probably heard about some drama going on with the British Royal Family. Harry and Meghan are doing their thing, and then Queen Elizabeth did another thing, but there’s a lot to process when it comes to the reality of what’s happening. Especially if the only time you usually pay attention to the royals is when there’s a wedding, you might be confused about what’s actually happening right now. While I don’t expect most of you to learn all the royal rules or actually care about this sh*t, I thought it might be helpful to explain things in more… American terms. And by that, I mean the Kardashians, who are basically America’s royal family.

First, let’s go through some of the major characters. In this scenario, Queen Elizabeth is Kris Jenner (obvi). She runs this bitch. Prince William is Kim Kardashian, the favorite daughter. The chosen one. And Prince Harry is Kourtney Kardashian, a daughter who is still loved, but like, a little less. It’s not personal, it’s just the way things are. In this situation, there’s no direct Khloé parallel, but she’s used to being left out so I don’t feel that bad.

There are a lot of things that come along with being a Kardashian, but one of the biggest obligations is being on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Every family member has their own side projects, but at the end of the day, the show is the engine that drives the whole Kardashian empire. In the royal family, the equivalent of this is doing royal engagements. According to the Royal Family website, members of the family attend over 2,000 official engagements each year, which includes a lot of charity events, government ceremonies, and just general royal stuff. Most of them are boring, but they all have to get done. This is what it means to be a “working member” of the Royal Family.

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And this weekend, it was announced that Harry and Megs will no longer be working members of the family. In 2019, Harry and Meghan attended nearly 300 engagements, and now someone else has to do all of those. Harry will always be a part of the family, but he’s walking away from the job aspect, which is quite similar to Kourtney taking a step back from KUWTK. In clips from the show, Khloé and Kim have complained that Kourtney’s absence puts the burden on them to film more and show more, and the same goes for the other royals now having to cover Harry and Meghan’s share of the work.

In the Queen’s statement this weekend, she cleared up some of the biggest questions about Harry and Meghan’s status, namely which titles they’ll use going forward. It’s important to note that no titles were actually taken away—they’re just agreeing not to use their HRH styles. When Diana divorced Charles, she was stripped of her HRH style, but this is different. That was a final decision, like Blac Chyna’s dreams of being Angela Renee Kardashian being flushed down the toilet, where this feels more like Scott Disick being permanently in the picture, just off to the side.

But what will Harry and Meghan do with their time, now that they don’t have to be at Kim’s house to film three days a week? Wait, f*ck, I’m getting myself confused. Honestly, I feel like Kim Kardashian and Meghan Markle would probably get along, so maybe a Sussex cameo on KUWTK isn’t that far-fetched? That probably won’t happen, but my point is that Harry and Meghan are now basically free to do whatever they want. They won’t be getting taxpayer money anymore, and they will repay the public funds that were used to renovate their home in the UK, which allows them to get jobs and work on that financial independence.

While Kourtney Kardashian has her lifestyle brand to focus on (lol), I have a feeling the Sussexes will be leaning into their charity work, in addition to maybe doing producing work. But who knows, maybe Meghan will relaunch her blog from before she married Harry? That would definitely be the Kardashian thing to do, but I doubt it’ll happen. Either way, Harry and Meghan are going to make tons of money, spend their time wherever they feel like it, and hopefully live happily ever after.

Images: sussexroyal / Instagram

Is This Proof Harry & Meghan Are Difficult To Work With?

Remember back in May, when we were all celebrating the birth of Master Archie? Yeah, that was less than two months ago. Wow, time really flies when you accomplish nothing with your life. Anyway, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are no doubt still adjusting to being parents for the first time, but things haven’t been all sunshine and rainbows when it comes to their staff. This week, reports surfaced that the couple have just hired their third nanny in six weeks, which, even with no additional context, seems like kind of an alarming pace to be going through nannies.

For reference, it seems like Will and Kate have had much better luck with their child care situation. They’ve worked with the same nanny, Maria Borrallo, since the birth of their first son George in 2013. According to author Louise Heren, who is an expert on British nannies (lol, who knew such a thing existed), Kate and Maria’s relationship is “very close, and they collaborate greatly on the care of the children.” I’m assuming the same can’t be said for any of the Sussex’s nannies thus far.

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Happy Father’s Day! And wishing a very special first Father’s Day to The Duke of Sussex! © SussexRoyal

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Because this is the Palace we’re dealing with, details on the circumstances of the first two nannies leaving are pretty light, but of course rumors have started to circulate. While it seems entirely possible that both parents might have been monsters, British tabloids have been quick to jump to the conclusion that Meghan must be a nightmare to work with. This seems like a pretty sexist assumption, as if the nannies couldn’t possibly have an issue with Harry.

The one piece of evidence as to why Meghan might actually be difficult is that the nannies are far from her first staff members who have left their positions. In the year since her wedding, to Harry, her personal assistant, personal bodyguard, and assistant private secretary have all left with little public explanation. People leave jobs all the time for all kinds of reasons, but it does seem like a lot of people leaving what would theoretically be pretty appealing jobs.

Interestingly enough, another report surfaced today that Meghan and Harry aren’t really as rich as you might think. They apparently don’t have access to the same royal financial resources as Kate and William, and therefore their house staff is very limited. They reportedly don’t even have a chef (peasants!), and Meghan orders her groceries from the UK equivalent of Fresh Direct. I don’t know why I find this so funny, but it’s actually pretty refreshing. Maybe the nannies are leaving because the Sussexes can’t offer a competitive salary and benefits?

For now, I’m just hoping nanny three works 0ut, because Meghan and Harry really don’t need any more drama. On top of being new parents, there’s still some lingering tension stemming from the rumors of the fallout surrounding William’s alleged cheating. Maybe Meghan and Harry are firing nannies on purpose to keep attention away from William? Maybe they couldn’t keep a secret, and had to be let go? Maybe Archie is a difficult af baby?! I don’t know, and neither does anyone else, really. What I do know is that I’m f*cking pumped for them to get to this stuff on season 26 of The Crown. 

Images: Getty Images; sussexroyal / Instagram; Giphy

What The Royal Baby’s Birth Chart Predicts About His Personality

On Monday, May 6 at 5:26 a.m. Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, the Duchess and Duke of Sussex, welcomed a baby boy—jolting our collective ovaries and filling our Instagram feeds with congratulatory posts. The royal baby is seventh in line for the throne, and the eighth great-grandchild for Queen Elizabeth. And while most are busy waiting for a photo and a name reveal, thanks to astrology and the birth time, we’re already able to take a deeper look into the royal baby’s personality and what his relationships with his parents might be like.

Bougie Baby

The royal baby, like Queen Elizabeth, is a Taurus, a sign that’s noted for appreciating the finer things in life. Tauruses are stubborn, strong leaders, making this kid a natural fit for royalty. The royal baby is also a Taurus rising, which will give him a commanding personality and ability to influence. Sharing a sun and rising sign, both in Taurus, will strengthen the royal baby’s ability and desire to operate from a position of power. Early on in his life, this can manifest as boastful or arrogant, but as he matures, he will be able to lead with grace and leave a strong impression on others.

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We are pleased to announce that Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Sussex welcomed their firstborn child in the early morning on May 6th, 2019. Their Royal Highnesses’ son weighs 7lbs. 3oz. The Duchess and baby are both healthy and well, and the couple thank members of the public for their shared excitement and support during this very special time in their lives. More details will be shared in the forthcoming days.

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When he was born the moon was in Gemini, which will only add to his charm and intellect. He’ll be able to make emotionally controlled decisions and be an effective communicator. There can be some anxiety with this placement of the moon—there is a tiresome restlessness and curiosity that could cause him to overthink or talk a lot. Mars, the action planet that drives our ego and desires, clashed with Jupiter, the planet of abundance, in the sky at the time of the royal baby’s birth. This points to a competitive spirit, possible temper (tantrum) issues, but overall an overwhelming passion for life. Venus, the planet that rules love and affection, made a hard connection with Saturn, the planet of restriction, at the time of this birth. This particular sync up can mean a lack of self-confidence that can be ultimately damaging to personal, romantic relationships. Feelings of rejection and loneliness might haunt the royal baby and keep him playing the field longer than necessary instead of settling down. He’ll have to work on self-love before he can enter a committed, sustainable relationship.

Mother’s Nature

So, he’s got the spirit of a royal and the foundational skills to lead, but what’s life going to be like growing up with mom and dad? Meghan is a fiery Leo and Baby Sussex is a grounded Taurus. By nature, the personalities of these two sun signs can easily clash. In astrology, they form a tense aspect called a square, which can bring energy to the relationship, but also pose a handful of challenges. The basic personality needs of each sign are not compatible, which can be draining and cause ego conflicts. It adds an element of frustration and competition to the way the pair interacts.

But Meghan’s affectionate Venus sign is in Virgo, a fellow earth sign that’s incredibly compatible for Taureans. The way she loves and gives affection links up harmoniously with the royal baby’s Taurus sun and rising sign, adding levity and unconditional love to the relationship. Meghan and her baby also have moon signs in intellectual air signs—Meghan’s in Libra and Baby Sussex’s in Gemini. The way they process emotions is very similar, which will create a comfortable and loving home environment.

The #royalbaby is here! Congratulations, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. The baby is 7th in line for the throne, which is crazy, because right now I’m 7th in line for the key-making kiosk at my grocery store. @RoyalFamily

— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) May 6, 2019

Difficult Dad

Prince Harry and the baby share an astrological aspect that is one of the most highly-touted among astrologers: a sun-moon conjunction, meaning the baby’s sun sign (Taurus) is the same sign as Harry’s moon sign (Taurus). The sun represents our outer self, while the moon represents our inner self. When two people share this aspect they form a deep bond, and share a mutual, effortless understanding of the other’s nature. There is an unrivaled trust in one another’s personality and belief system.

Despite this powerful connection, that’s not to say Harry is destined to be the favorite parent—there are still some stressful planetary connections between the pair. Harry’s Saturn, planet of restriction and structure, forms a stressful connection to Baby Sussex’s Venus, the planet of love. This can result in Harry being overly critical of the royal baby’s actions, or overly demanding of him in general. Baby Sussex in turn might view his dad as unsympathetic over time. Harry’s Saturn also forms a tense aspect to the royal baby’s Sun, his basic sense of self. Baby Sussex might feel as if he can’t be his true self when he’s with Harry—like he needs to hide or suppress part of his personality. This also feeds the overly critical nature of Harry’s Saturn, and might leave the royal baby feeling overly sensitive.

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This afternoon, His Royal Highness The Duke of Sussex shared the news of the arrival of his and the Duchess’ first born child. Their son was born early morning on the 6th of May, 2019 and weighs 7lbs and 3oz. Their Royal Highnesses thank you for your support and kindness during this exceptionally joyful time in their lives as they welcome their baby boy.

A post shared by The Duke and Duchess of Sussex (@sussexroyal) on

That being said, we’ve certainly got time to see how Baby Sussex’s personality develops over time. All that’s certain for now is: He’ll be charming af and a natural-born influencer, most likely on the political (or social media) scene. Now back to waiting on that name reveal.

Images: Shutterstock; @sussexroyal / Instagram (2); @TheEllenShow / Twitter

Meghan Markle Had Her Baby

After months of waiting, the newest member of the Royal family is finally here. Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex, gave birth to a baby boy early this morning, May 6th. While we were all commuting to work this morning, reports spread that Meghan Markle was in labor, but luckily we didn’t have to wait very long. At around 9:30am, they announced the baby’s arrival with a post on the official Sussex Royal Instagram account, and added that the little prince weighs 7 lbs, 3 oz. Actually, they specifically said that “Their Royal Highnesses’ son weighs 7lbs. 3oz.” Nice and pretentious, just the way I like it.

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We are pleased to announce that Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Sussex welcomed their firstborn child in the early morning on May 6th, 2019. Their Royal Highnesses’ son weighs 7lbs. 3oz. The Duchess and baby are both healthy and well, and the couple thank members of the public for their shared excitement and support during this very special time in their lives. More details will be shared in the forthcoming days.

A post shared by The Duke and Duchess of Sussex (@sussexroyal) on

Unlike Will and Kate’s first baby, Meghan Markle Jr. (what I’m going to call the baby until we find out the name) will probably never be King, but he’s still in the line of succession. He’s seventh in line to the throne, which is significant because there could technically be a black King of England. Amazing. A lot of sh*t would have to go down in order for this to happen, but still, Meghan Markle has really changed the future of the Royal family.

Reports had long suggested that Meghan Markle Jr. would arrive at the very end of April or early May, and things looked even more sure when Prince Harry’s scheduled visit to the Netherlands this week was shortened to a single-day engagement. He will be in The Hague on May 9th to kick off the one-year countdown to the 2020 Invictus Games, a sporting event which is one of his main projects.

The arrival of Meghan Markle Jr. is probably a huge relief for everyone in the royal family, because the past few weeks have been a nightmare, with rumors that Prince William cheated on Kate Middleton. According to sources, these cheating issues are at the root of the reported disputes between Will and Harry, who used to be super close. Hopefully, this new baby will help the family mend some of their issues, or else Queen Elizabeth might have to put Will and Harry in timeout until they can play nice with each other.

Images: Shutterstock; @sussexroyal / Instagram

There’s A Wild Theory That Prince William Cheated On Kate Middleton

I said as much on the episode of Not Another True Crime Podcast that covered Princess Diana, and I’ll say it again: I really don’t give a f*ck about the royal family. Number one, they are not our (as in, America’s, where I currently write this) royal family. Their actions have really no bearing on our lives in the U.S. whatsoever, never mind their lack of actual political power. And yet, we cover the minutiae of their everyday lives to an extent that I find completely ridiculous. (Those sentences are actually the opening to an opinion piece I was working on about why we should stop covering their every move.) And still, even I was shook by a Twitter thread that alleges Prince William cheated on Kate Middleton, and that’s the source of their long-speculated feud.

But I’ll back it up a bit. Even if you try not to read every news piece about the royal family (hi), you are probably at least vaguely aware of some supposed rift between Meghan/Harry and Kate/William. First, there was the rumor that Kate and Meghan didn’t get along (followed by reports that Meghan is considered amongst her staff as “duchess difficult”). That was accompanied by numerous “analyses” of Meghan and Kate’s body language. Then, there was the news that Harry and Meghan moved out of the residence they shared with William and Kate, which many tabloids thought was a sign of an underlying feud and not just, I don’t know, not wanting to share a home with your brother and sister-in-law and their million kids, while your wife was pregnant.

I didn’t buy any of it, and truly was ready to write an entire diatribe exclaiming as such. I have the draft in my Google docs and everything! Until I read a Twitter thread by Nicole Cliffe, a writer for Slate and The Guardian, among other publications. Pop an Adderall and hold onto your comically large hats, because this sh*t is as crazy as it is long.

No, I am not going to retype that entire thread because I don’t want to be here for the next 17 hours. I will say, wow. Just, wow. To briefly recap the theory: Prince William cheated on Kate Middleton with Kate’s own friend. Harry is f*cking pissed, because his father, Prince Charles, cheating on his mother, Princess Diana, set into motion a tabloid circus and extremely difficult period that ultimately ended in his mother’s tragic and untimely death. But to shift the focus off William, the royal family is blaming Meghan for being “difficult”. Harry and Meghan, not wanting to rock the boat or expose William, are riding this one out and taking it for the team.

First off, I’ll say, I would believe this. Then again, if said with enough conviction, I’d believe just about anything. I would have totally fallen for Fyre Festival if I’d had the money and paid days off of work. Then again, and it is important to note, Kensington Palace has called the rumors “totally wrong and false“, even serving one publication with a legal warning for publishing the rumors.

Also, as we have just been over, I know next to nothing about the royal family. Do I think Prince William is capable of cheating on his wife? Sure, just as much as I think any man is capable of infidelity, which is to say, absolutely. Then again, I don’t know the guy, nor am I going to take a Twitter thread as gospel (no matter how convincing it seems).

If this is true, then I think I’ve finally started giving a sh*t about the royal family and their comings and goings. And, as one user on Twitter put it:

Holy shit, season 16 of The Crown is going to be lit ?

— Laura (@l_a_u_r_a______) March 30, 2019

Images: Shutterstock; Nicole Cliffe; l_a_u_r_a______ / Twitter