Let’s cut the crap mmmk? I know this is late. I know you all are depending on me to provide you with a 6 page snarky recap .3 seconds after the credits roll, but alas, I too am human, with a life. And a malfunctioning television. So you’re getting this on Friday. Think of it as a Cinco de Mayo present.
All My Readers: Betch Waldorf, welcome to your tape.
BACK TO THE GAME
The game A made wakes Spencer up in the middle of the night with a crying baby noise. Spencer is basically losing her goddamn mind and calls all the Liars over to figure out who the fuck needs to babysit this weird version of the game “Life.”
Also, Ali is out of town to “do something” according to Emily. That’s a roundabout way of saying “abortion.” What? You were thinking it!
They pass around the baby crying thingy until it stops crying in Hanna’s arms, indicating that it’s Hanna’s turn to play. This ought to be sufficiently fucking dumb.
Remember how Hanna made one fugly dress and styled it on some rando senator’s daughter? Well she’s now made the front page of the New York Times. Isn’t life grand?
Hanna tells everyone to Google her and is so surprised to find that someone outed her secret about stealing the design. Like, who would do such a thing? It’s not like she has a murdering psychopath stalking her! Like what are the odds?
Spencer sees Toby in the coffee store, one of the 4 places that exists in Rosewood, and tells her that Yvonne is out of her coma. She starts rambling on about science and other things that aren’t important to the GOP and Toby is like nodding off. He’s like “can we hurry this up I have a life to live.”
The Detective/Gardener comes in because he heard there was an emergency regarding some wilting tulips. He proceeds to ask Spencer on a date while wearing a shirt that literally outlines his abs. That exercise plan of pulling weeds and being 10 steps behind every murderer in town has its benefits clearly.
Spencer decides to go out on a date with him, apparently forgetting he is the cop who is supposed to be investigating her attack. Like, wtf you have time for a date? Get back in the office and find out who shot me, asshole.
Hanna thinks it’s Jenna or AD who sent in that info to the blogger. But how could Jenna possibly do that?? She’s blind!!! (Seriously they act like Jenna is incapable of doing anything.)
The Liars: Jenna couldn’t possibly take a shit, she’s blind!!!!
Hanna’s like “they tried to ruin my shoes and now my career!” Um, Spencer got shot, hunny. Can you just like, chill for a sec?
Caleb has his spy kit out and ready to fuck shit up. Why does he have all this super secret spy gear? Doesn’t this make the Liars wonder? Like, you have a dude with every capability of stalking you right here? Also, can I get one of those at Target or is this an Amazon Prime thing?
He starts to explain to Dumb, Dumber and Gayer—Aria, Hanna and Emily—how to use the kit to spy on Sydney or Jenna. Who’s Sydney, you ask? She’s the girl last season who tricked Caleb and Mona. Idk that’s what her IMDB says.
Marlene King: Bring everyone back this season to throw people off the trail.
Writers: Okay so we’ll bring the girls’ parents back…
MK: No, bring everyone back besides the people who actually make sense.
Aria sees a newscast about Ezra and Nicole and tells Caleb that all is well with them and “WE WILL FIND A WAY BACK TO EACH OTHER!”
Hanna and Caleb:
A messages Hanna telling her that it’s her time to play and to answer the door. Someone legit starts banging on the door and Hanna just stands there. Caleb’s finally like “answer the door, bitch” and does it for her.
Caleb opens it and it’s a lifesize doll that apparently is supposed to look like Hanna? Idk this doll was def not as well manufactured as the game. Maybe this was the piece Jenna put together? Ya know, cause she’s blind? Did I mention she’s blind?
Hanna tells Caleb about the game and he’s like “this shit again?” He acts bummed out but I think Caleb has a real hard-on for drama. Nothing makes his dick harder than the woman he loves being tortured for 8 years.
The doll starts talking and tells her to “check the appendix”. Hanna doesn’t know what that is because it has more than two syllables. Caleb tells her that he is going to try and figure out how to disconnect the game because that should work out.
Detective and Spencer go to senior home or something. Idk. It’s some kind of place where poor people gather. Never been.
He brings her to a fucking ping pong table. Seriously. Like how fucking cheap are you? Couldn’t even afford an air hockey table. Even in 6th grade I would have been like, forreal?
Toby is back with Yvonne, who is now awake and talking, also looking super good for just coming out of a coma. Did she have the nurses do her contour?
Toby tells her he wants to marry her today, like right the fuck now. This is a def a low budget version of A Walk to Remember rn. She says yes and I’m like where is your family, why is Toby the only one here?
Lucas tells her the investors she was meeting with from Japan saw the report that claims Hanna stole and they’re like:
Lucas is like, “Look it’s fine, I’m rich but don’t fuck this up too much. Which is exactly what my dad told me before I went to college.”
Emily and Aria are on “spy on Sydney” duty, now that Hanna is officially trying to prepare for this meeting. They’re looking her up online and get a shit ton of information off her Facebook page. Does this bitch have her social security code as her cover photo, I mean really? Stranger danger girl.
They think she’s the one who tipped off the blogger about Hanna’s dress. Emily’s like “we should be careful” and Aria’s like “we won’t confront her—we just want answers.” K that’s confronting her but moving on.
Meanwhile, Caleb is still trying to work on this goddam board. Caleb really needs to work for the FBI or at least be the gadget dealer for the Spy Kids.
So, AD must stand for “Actually Dexter” because it wants Hanna to cut this mannequin thing open at the appendix. She suddenly is decked out in full surgical gear and is performing an operation in their living room. Cas. Of course, A leaves something in there that says “wear me.”
Spencer and Detective are still playing ping pong and Spencer’s like “I learned how to play from my mom…. My adoptive mom.” She is giving off some serious Todd- angst vibes rn.
The detective starts talking about the shooting case, with the victim, because that’s normal. She’s like, “oh yeah, that traumatizing thing that happened to me? Let’s for sure discuss it in a place that smells like old people and welfare.”
He says he used to go to the shelter as a kid because his mom was a pill popper and he was fat? Sob sob sob, everyone cries, the end.
Spencer’s shoulder starts bleeding so he legit undoes her entire shirt to bandage things up. He’s the kind of dude who does the fake yawn to get the arm around. The end up making out because nothing is sexier than an open wound and shitty parents.
At the same time, Yvonne, who is out of a coma with a perfect fucking manicure, gets married to Toby. I know pronounce you crater face and wife. Their poor children are going to come out looking like Seal.
A wants Hanna to dress like a goddam geisha and blow the meeting with the investors. If she doesn’t A will fuck this shit up. Hanna’s bummed because this was her one chance to be smart and it’s like, oh honey.
Hanna is upset because not only is the dress short AF, it’s also super offensive and trashy. It’s a Donald Trump brand fasho. I would say it’s an Ivanka, but I don’t think they sell those anymore.
Aria and Emily go to confront Sydney. Emily’s like “oh my goodness gracious, it’s so good to see you!” Sydney is like fuuuuuuuck off. I’m Sydney, minus the duck face.
Emily asks why Sydney tricked Mona and Caleb and she’s like “Jenna said it was a prank!” Aren’t you like 24? If one of my weird-ass high school friends who I barely know was like “let’s pull a prank!” I would cunt punt them. For real.
Sydney: That prank was one time!
While hacking through her calendar, Aria learns that Sydney has an appointment at the eye institute. They follow her to the eye doctor and overhear her paying for Jenna’s upcoming eye surgery. But, if she gets her eyesight back, what jokes will the writers make? How… how will they carry on?!
Real picture of the writers room:
They confront Sydney AGAIN and she says AD is an anonymous client at the bank that she works for. She says she doesn’t know where Jenna is and does Jenna really even know where she is either? She’s blind.
Either way, they put a GPS tracker in her bag because this is Rosewood, for god’s sake. You think you can do anything without someone spying on you?
Spencer comes home and Caleb is playing on the game board in her living room. They’re like “is this awkward? Because like, we used to bone?” They decide to ignore that conversation and go straight to alcohol. Same.
Caleb’s digging under the buildings looking for screws to get into the game while Spencer rambles on about the detective and her stupid ass date.
Spencer: *talking about her amazing date*
He eventually gets one of the buildings up and it sprays a poison in his face. Like fuuuuuck dude, A came to play. He stops breathing and Spencer makes herself useful and calls 911. So desperate. Already giving him a call less than 2 hours after their date.
Hanna shows up to the meeting looking like a waitress at a sushi restaurant in Vegas. Someone also needs to tell her to brush her hair. Hair and makeup people are usually better than this. Leave the fuck-ups to wardrobe. Get your shit together, Carol!
Hanna tells Lucas that she loves him forever as a friend, knowing that she’s about to cost him millions of dollars. Of course, right as she’s going to the meeting, she gets the text that Caleb is in the hospital. She gives Lucas the designs and sketches, runs to see Caleb and loses her turn. Womp womp.
Toby and Yvonne are laying in the hospital talking about all the shitty places they could go on their honeymoon. Toby slithers around and asks her if she is happy and she says “the happiest.” THEN. SHE. FUCKING. DIES.
That’s fucked up. I may not love Toby and his lizard looking face, but Yvonne! That sweet little croissant with cheese! She lived in a trailer for him, FFS! YVONNE DESERVED BETTER.
Hanna goes to see Caleb and he’s says that she skipped her turn. She’s like, “yeah dipshit.”
A texts her saying that she’s lost and that her puzzle piece is gone. Hanna thinks this game is horseshit. She didn’t want salmon! She said it four times!
Spencer goes to see Toby and Yvonne, not knowing that she’s died. Womp womp. She gets there and Toby falls to the ground sobbing in Spencer’s arms. Damn PLL, why you gotta make me feel things?
Obviously they are pushing for Spoby bad, but he’s still married so we’ll see. We all know how great weddings work out in this show. Spoiler: EVERYONE DIES.
Aria comes home and is leaving a message for Ezra about his coffee shop when a figure comes out of the shadows. It’s Nicole, the girl who was kidnapped for years but still likes being alone in the dark.
The ending scene is Rosewood PD being sent a finger in the mail. I’m assuming it’s Snaggle’s. I’m so ready for him to never exist anymore.