Everyone knows a true betch’s summer go-to beverage is a nice tall glass (or bottle, whatever) of rosé. It’s cold, it’s pretty, it has alcohol in it, it’s delicious. Did I mention it has alcohol? But sometimes wine drunk doesn’t cut it. Like, maybe I wanna get my drink on but not fall asleep after an hour only to wake up to the world’s worst headache. Fucking sue me. Or maybe I just had a very stressful day of doing the bare minimum and need to black out for a while and recalibrate my emotions. I mean, not that you can’t black out on rosé. I’ve done countless experiments here and I assure you, it can be done, but it just takes a little more time and a lot more calories than a few well-timed shots of clear liquor would. Well now, thanks to Wolffer’s vineyard in the Hamptons, you can get liquor drunk with rosé vibes. How you might ask? Gin made from rosé. Did you hear that thud? It was me dropping the mic.
If you’re wondering how this is possible, you’ve come to the wrong place because I’m not a gin distiller sry, but apparently gin just has to be a clear alcoholic drink made of neutral spirits and juniper berries, so the term “gin” is a loose one. I even Merriam-Webster’d that shit.
Now that’s what I call research. Am I a legit journalist? Only time will tell. My Googling research also taught me that, in order to turn wine into gin, Wolffer uses copper stills to create pure alcohol from rosé, then adds juniper berries and other shit to make it gin-y. A touch of red grape skin extract enhances the pink color to really take it to a faker the next level.
If you know anything about anything, you know that rosé is for basics and gin is for hipsters, fucking duh. You might also remember that there is scientific evidence that proves only psychopaths drink gin. So now you don’t have to fit in a bubble. Don’t let society tell you you have to choose. You can be both basic and a psycho. That’s what makes this country so great. (Though maybe try not being a hipster. Society as a whole is like, done with that.) You wanna wear Uggs on your feet and a beanie on your head while contemplating murder? Fucking do it. Just make sure you have a glass of rosé gin in your hand. And jk about the murder part.
Oh, cheese, you’re your own food group to us. You stand apart from all other foods, and we have shrines to you in our deli drawer. As any classy indivudual such as ourselves would know, when cheese meets wine, beautiful things happen. Birds sing. We assume flowers bloom. Somewhere in the distance, a wolf puppy learns to howl. It’s magical.
To top even all that inspirational shit, when a good cheese meets a good rosé, shit gets even realer. It takes you from “girl drinking pink wine out of a bag” to “self-actualized independent woman who enjoys the finer things in life.” However, you have to first fucking KNOW what cheese to eat with your rosé.
We’re here, per usual, to help.
General Rules
Generally speaking, you want a semi-soft cheese to pair with a rosé. That means you should reach for things like Gruyère, Havarti, and even Monterey Jack, the povo fancy cheese of America. Rosé is crisp and light, so you need a cheese that can both hold its own AND not take away from the mild wine. I mean, this is our fave summer draaanking wine AND it makes us feel classy, so treat it with some respect.
Dry Rosé
Grab a mild- or medium-firm cheddar, Gouda, or even Provolone for this version. They can be a stronger flavor but tend to caaaaalm themselves with a nice dry rosé. HOWEVER, stay away from flavored cheeses in this category, such as sharp cheddar and aged Provolone. Ain’t nobody got time for all that flavor—save it for a full-bodied red.
Sparkling Rosé
Fresh cheeses LOVE sparkling wines, so head out to the store and grab a Farmers Cheese or local, fresh concoction to complement the bubbles. Sparkling rosé is your party drink, so keep that in mind as you’re scarfing down cheese.
Medium-Bodied Rosé
Think Spanish rosés from Rioja and Navarra or Southern French rosés—you’ll want super rustic cheese for this—best grab something made with sheep’s milk for a bit of a bite but not toooooo much. This version also goes super well with herbed-cheeses.
Bonjour, wine and cheese celebration!
If there are two things that betches love in this world, it’s being lazy AF and drinking wine. I mean, fucking duh. I can’t think of anything I’d rather do besides absolutely nothing with a glass of rosé in my hand. The only thing that rains on that parade is when I run out and I have to drive somewhere, get out of the damn car, and go get it. Boo, you whore. It’s a problem because, obviously I can’t have too much rosé before I try to drive and acquire more rosé. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice. Well now, there’s a way to make grabbing a fresh bottle a little less of a hassle and a risk to myself and everyone on the road: a rosé drive thru, located in the Hamptons because of course it is.
BRB, packing real quick.
I know what you’re thinking…is this legal? Like, is rosé all of a sudden an exception to the whole no-drinking-and-driving thing? And no, it’s not. It’s still very much illegal to pop a bottle of rosé while cruising through the Hamptons, so like, you’ll have to wait until you get back to your share house to open it. Bummer. The whole thing is being put on by Joey Wölffer of the Wölffer Estate Vineyard who says this has always been a dream of hers. Same tbh. The only issue is that you have to buy the wine by the case so it starts at like 200 bucks. I mean, Jesus. Who do you think I am? Ina fucking Garten? But at least then you have enough to last you a little while so you don’t have to leave the house for like, at least the weekend. And I’ll raise a glass of rosé to that.
Read: Everything You Need To Know About Rosé To Sound Like You Know Shit About Wine
Because we all need a good, solid education when it comes to alcohol, we’re bringing back “Know Your Wine.” Like, I still don’t fully understand why this wasn’t offered as a course in college, but my issues with the education system are a moot point. Anywho, the time is now to know the ins and outs of your wines, and we’re kicking it off with everyone’s fav summer sipper: rosé.
It’s true that rosé wasn’t always the much beloved betch standby it is today. You may be surprised to know that about 20 years ago it was considered tacky and only for those who didn’t know shit about Merlots and Malbecs. The nerve.
What Is It?
A very important note—rosé is NOT when a red wine and white wine love each other v much and spend a passion-filled night together (or, like, just get together for Netflix and chill and never get a call back). Rosé happens when red grapes are juuuuust a little crushed (like when a guy you totes know is a fuckboy ghosts you but like, it still kinda hurts) and left to hang out in their skins for a bit. Then the juice is strained and fermented into our fav pink drink. Depending how much time the wine maker has, the juice will sit for longer, resulting in a darker rosé; or shorter, resulting in a totally millennial pink color. Duly noted.
WTF Does It Taste Like?
IDK why I’m covering this because if you’ve never had rosé I want to know what life in a cave on Mars is like. Anyway, most rosés have flavor profiles somewhere between red and white wine (shocking). So, you’ll get cantaloupe, peach, and even mango with some, and berries and red fruits with others.
What Types Can I Get?
Like we said, the longer the grapes sit in their skins, the darker the rosé. So like a Malbec rosé would be dark compared to a Pinot Noir rosé which would be lighter. Really, it all depends on how long it’s been aged and the type of grape being used. So, light vs. dark makes it taste different, but one isn’t necessarily better than the other. Additionally, you’ll need to choose from the epic adventure of dry vs. sweet. If you’re at Wine Walmart (is that a place? It should be), and see rosés from Europe, they’re likely dry. Rosés from the U.S. (with California occasionally being an exception) can be sweeter. We say look for the rosés from Spain and France where they’ve been making wine for literally ever.
WTF Do I Drink It With?
Good news—rosé goes with fucking everything. If you’re truly looking for a something to sip while your boyfriend slaves over a hot grill making meat skewers (because protein), rosé is your new go-to. It complements smoked meat and fish super well and plays well in cocktails mixed with vodka and maybe, like, La Croix grapefruit. Yes, really. I’m drinking it right now. If you’re hosting a wine and cheese party, rosé pairs well with medium-bodied cheeses. The most important note is to serve rosé CHILLED—never room temperature.
How Can I Buy It?
Um, as with most wines, rosé comes in a bottle that you can find in any wine-selling establishment. For on-the-go rosé drinking, this shit comes in a can. Yes that’s right. You can bring it to the beach, I’m not going to say legally, but you can do it without breaking the “no glass allowed on the beach” rule. Our favorite canned rosé is Seven Daughters because it’s yummy, it’s pink, and the best part? The cans look kind of like energy drinks, making Seven Daughters canned rosé ideal for stealth drinking on-the-go.
We hope you enjoyed this edition of Know Your Wine. Now, get out there and chug a bottle (or can) for us.
Everyone says that it’s possible to have too much of a good thing, but IMO, “everyone” is a bunch of losers who are no fun at parties/pregames/anywhere worth being. As rosé season summer approaches, you can bet these are the people who are going to complain about pink wine being everywhere—which, to be fair, it totally is. If you’re not tagging your posts with #RoseAllDay at least once a week this summer, why are you even on Instagram?
If you haven’t made this year’s inaugural rosé Instagram yet, though, you can kick things off in a super meta way. Biagio Cru Wine & Spirits, an NYC-based wine importer, has come out with a rosé brand called Rosé All Day, and yes, the name is lifted straight from the ever-popular hashtag. So I think it’s safe to say that rosé is officially cancelled until all the wine distributors learn how to behave. This attempt to cash in on basic white girls’ obsession is more transparent than Starbucks‘ new mermaid frappuccino—which, if you read that and started screaming internally, is really a thing. Andddd I officially hate everyone and everything.
The rosé is made out of grapes from the Languedoc-Roussillon region of France, blah blah blah who the fuck cares. All you need to know is it’s made of fermented grapes, it’s pink, and it will get you drunk. When they start selling this shit in May (so like, now), it’s supposed to retail for about $12.99 a bottle, so even broke betches, i.e., all of us, can try it out. But if the Unicorn Frappuccino or Sugarfina rosé gummies or rainbow highlighter or world history in general have taught us anything, it’s that when white people want something they move fast and don’t leave anything left over for the rest of us—so you’d better get your credit card out now if you want this shit before it sells out.
Although this is perhaps the most egregious offense, this is hardly the first time middle-aged people have named wine after a popular millennial hashtag. Currently, Rosé All Day has a rival in the form of Instagram account-turned-wine brand Yes Way Rosé, and I would be shocked if other brands don’t have their own hashtag-themed alcohol in the works. Honestly, this shit might have killed rosé. If I wanted to drink my wine on a rooftop with a side of puns, I’d call my dad.
If you thought that drinking 40s was left to your high school partying days (you know, before your metabolism went to shit), then think again because 40s of rosé are now totally a thing, and just in time for summer. A new company called Forty Ounce Wines (very creative naming) has released a new 40s of rosé that they claim are “organically farmed, spectacular tasting, large format wines.” They currently offer two types of wines, Muscadet (a French white) and rosé, which is obvi the star of the show. Honestly this opens up so many possibilities for white girls everywhere. Like, is doing Edward 40 Hands going to come back into our lives like it’s 2005 again? Will you start seeing groups of white girls in Lululemon standing on street corners and pouring out a little bit of rosé for the basic bitches we’ve lost? Only time will tell.
This is obviously going to become a staple of the summer. What better way to walk into a party and establish that you are the HBBIC (head basic bitch in charge) than to have one, dare I say, TWO pink 40s full of sweet pink alcohol? Anyone who sees that and questions your dedication to basic-ness is seriously disturbed. All you’d have to then is start talking to anyone who will listen about how you ordered a big salad at Cheesecake Factory yesterday and find a way to casually display the little star tattoo on your foot and you’ll probably be appointed to the ICBA—International Council On Basic Affairs.
Obviously, you’re going to need time to adjust to this important wine development. How does this stack up in comparison to the 250k other ways you already know of to consume rosé? Should you convert to rosé 40s only, or should you attempt to maintain even some semblance of dignity in your life? Here are all the various ways one can consume rosé, to ensure that you pick the best one for your personal, and very basic, lifestyle:
1. Buy It By The Bottle
So, this is a no brainer. If you want rosé, you could always just buy a bottle of rosé. It’s a fairly simple concept. Of course, one bottle of rosé does not traditionally go a long way. I mean, I think we all know that one person can consume a bottle of rosé fairly easily over brunch (and go on to have a pretty fucked up Sunday afternoon) so remember that if you’re planning to share your stash, more than one bottle will likely be necessary. You could also buy one of those giant bottles, but then you’ll need to make sure you have an SO or some sad-ass friendzoned guy friend around to carry it for you. What if you reach for your phone to answer an important text and drop it? Then there’s no rosé for anyone, and that’s a goddamn tragedy.
2. Subscribe To A Rosé Delivery Service
If you love rosé and are the laziest person on the face of the Earth, you can have rosé delivered directly to your door, and the best part is that the bottles are “magnums” meaning that they are equal to two normal size bottles of rosé. Membership to The Summer Water Societé is a very bougie way of letting people know that you are devoté to the church of rosé, and must have access to it at all times. Also, each month they send you cool swag like Societé hats, water bottles, and beach towels so everybody knows where you stand when it comes to drinking pink wine.
3. Get Into Boxed Rosé
Move the fuck over Franzia, because boxed rosé is here and it’s actually like, kind of good. Two companies, Les Vignerons d’Estézargues and VRAC will provide you with boxes of rosé all the way from France for around $30. That’s basically spending $30 on four really good bottles of rosé, despite the fact that they do come in a box and look like hobo wine you made under your bed. Buying this boxed rosé is a great way to signal to your friend group that, when it comes to your most beloved wine variety, you are more about quality than appearing like you have any respect for yourself.
4. Casually Sip Rosé From A Can
If you’ve ever wanted to spend an entire day low-key sipping on rosé without having to carry a bottle (or a box) around with you, canned rosé is the way to go. Uncorked offers a 4 pack of Seven Daughters rosé for just $17.99, which is a steal when you realize that each can is equal to two glasses of rosé. The cans are also very sleekn and kind of look like energy drinks, so you could totally sip them in public next to a police station and nobody would notice. Not that we’re saying you should do that, but also you should totally do that.
5. Be That Person With A 40 Ounce Wine
As we previously discussed, 40s of rosé are now an option, and if you want to claim the “40 Ounce Rosé Girl” title for yourself, then by all means do so. Just be sure to figure out how you’ll eventually explain all the pics of you double fisting wine 40s to your children.
6. Make Your Own
If you’re one of those DIY betches with the ability to actually complete a Pinterest project, a make your own rosé kit may be right for you. The bag claims that the kit makes over 30 bottles of wine in just one hour, which is a fuckton of rosé until you consider that only the most advanced DIY-er will probably walk away from this project with thirty drinkable bottles. For those of us who can barely follow microwave popcorn instructions, the make-your-own-rosé kit will most likely result in a very questionable looking pink goo that will end up killing your friend Becca when she gets drunk enough on store bought rosé to try it.
