Because we all need a good, solid education when it comes to alcohol, we’re bringing back “Know Your Wine.” Like, I still don’t fully understand why this wasn’t offered as a course in college, but my issues with the education system are a moot point. Anywho, the time is now to know the ins and outs of your wines, and we’re kicking it off with everyone’s fav summer sipper: rosé.
It’s true that rosé wasn’t always the much beloved betch standby it is today. You may be surprised to know that about 20 years ago it was considered tacky and only for those who didn’t know shit about Merlots and Malbecs. The nerve.
What Is It?
A very important note—rosé is NOT when a red wine and white wine love each other v much and spend a passion-filled night together (or, like, just get together for Netflix and chill and never get a call back). Rosé happens when red grapes are juuuuust a little crushed (like when a guy you totes know is a fuckboy ghosts you but like, it still kinda hurts) and left to hang out in their skins for a bit. Then the juice is strained and fermented into our fav pink drink. Depending how much time the wine maker has, the juice will sit for longer, resulting in a darker rosé; or shorter, resulting in a totally millennial pink color. Duly noted.
WTF Does It Taste Like?
IDK why I’m covering this because if you’ve never had rosé I want to know what life in a cave on Mars is like. Anyway, most rosés have flavor profiles somewhere between red and white wine (shocking). So, you’ll get cantaloupe, peach, and even mango with some, and berries and red fruits with others.
What Types Can I Get?
Like we said, the longer the grapes sit in their skins, the darker the rosé. So like a Malbec rosé would be dark compared to a Pinot Noir rosé which would be lighter. Really, it all depends on how long it’s been aged and the type of grape being used. So, light vs. dark makes it taste different, but one isn’t necessarily better than the other. Additionally, you’ll need to choose from the epic adventure of dry vs. sweet. If you’re at Wine Walmart (is that a place? It should be), and see rosés from Europe, they’re likely dry. Rosés from the U.S. (with California occasionally being an exception) can be sweeter. We say look for the rosés from Spain and France where they’ve been making wine for literally ever.
WTF Do I Drink It With?
Good news—rosé goes with fucking everything. If you’re truly looking for a something to sip while your boyfriend slaves over a hot grill making meat skewers (because protein), rosé is your new go-to. It complements smoked meat and fish super well and plays well in cocktails mixed with vodka and maybe, like, La Croix grapefruit. Yes, really. I’m drinking it right now. If you’re hosting a wine and cheese party, rosé pairs well with medium-bodied cheeses. The most important note is to serve rosé CHILLED—never room temperature.
How Can I Buy It?
Um, as with most wines, rosé comes in a bottle that you can find in any wine-selling establishment. For on-the-go rosé drinking, this shit comes in a can. Yes that’s right. You can bring it to the beach, I’m not going to say legally, but you can do it without breaking the “no glass allowed on the beach” rule. Our favorite canned rosé is Seven Daughters because it’s yummy, it’s pink, and the best part? The cans look kind of like energy drinks, making Seven Daughters canned rosé ideal for stealth drinking on-the-go.
We hope you enjoyed this edition of Know Your Wine. Now, get out there and chug a bottle (or can) for us.
Everyone says that it’s possible to have too much of a good thing, but IMO, “everyone” is a bunch of losers who are no fun at parties/pregames/anywhere worth being. As
rosé season summer approaches, you can bet these are the people who are going to complain about pink wine being everywhere—which, to be fair, it totally is. If you’re not tagging your posts with #RoseAllDay at least once a week this summer, why are you even on Instagram?
If you haven’t made this year’s inaugural rosé Instagram yet, though, you can kick things off in a super meta way. Biagio Cru Wine & Spirits, an NYC-based wine importer, has come out with a rosé brand called Rosé All Day, and yes, the name is lifted straight from the ever-popular hashtag. So I think it’s safe to say that rosé is officially cancelled until all the wine distributors learn how to behave. This attempt to cash in on basic white girls’ obsession is more transparent than Starbucks‘ new mermaid frappuccino—which, if you read that and started screaming internally, is really a thing. Andddd I officially hate everyone and everything.
The rosé is made out of grapes from the Languedoc-Roussillon region of France, blah blah blah who the fuck cares. All you need to know is it’s made of fermented grapes, it’s pink, and it will get you drunk. When they start selling this shit in May (so like, now), it’s supposed to retail for about $12.99 a bottle, so even broke betches, i.e., all of us, can try it out. But if the Unicorn Frappuccino or Sugarfina rosé gummies or rainbow highlighter or world history in general have taught us anything, it’s that when white people want something they move fast and don’t leave anything left over for the rest of us—so you’d better get your credit card out now if you want this shit before it sells out.
Although this is perhaps the most egregious offense, this is hardly the first time middle-aged people have named wine after a popular millennial hashtag. Currently, Rosé All Day has a rival in the form of Instagram account-turned-wine brand Yes Way Rosé, and I would be shocked if other brands don’t have their own hashtag-themed alcohol in the works. Honestly, this shit might have killed rosé. If I wanted to drink my wine on a rooftop with a side of puns, I’d call my dad.