For about five minutes yesterday, I thought the world was ending. Why, you ask? Well because Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and the woman who dragged him from a moving car his girlfriend Jen Harley announced they were having another baby. Sort of. They both shared pictures of a pregnant Jen, which she captioned “baby bump debut,” and he captioned simply with the pregnant woman emoji, which is something I find disturbing enough on its own, let alone in reference to someone who should have been sterilized. I thought we had hit our limit for terrible sh*t that could happen in 2018, but Ronnie and Jen having another baby would put us over the limit.
So I started figuring out what I would write in this article other than “those f*cking morons” over and over again (I tried, but my editor said I couldn’t!), when it turns out the whole thing is a hoax! These are OLD pictures from the LAST time their unprotected sex resulted in an accidental child that they will irreparably damage and then not pay to send to a therapist. Jen adjusted her caption to clarify the whole thing.
Are you really sorry, though? Because if you didn’t want to confuse people, I’m pretty sure you would have said from the start that these pictures were from last year. Don’t play coy with me, tt_kittymeow. I see right through you. So what was the point of this? Did they want people to question their intelligence all over the internet? Perhaps they weren’t getting enough attention because it’s been a minute since they physically assaulted each other, and a pregnancy hoax was the only thing their little pea-sized brains could think of?
So, since they’re not pregnant (praise Jesus!), I’m going to use this article to BEG of them to never have another child. Just last week Ronnie was referring to a woman that he was willingly flirting with as a “Jewish Rag Doll.” I don’t even know what that means or how it is insulting, but I am OFFENDED. So sorry she tempted you into doing embarrassing things on TV when you have a girlfriend and a child, and no free will of your own, right? Always blame the woman!
And let’s be real, should the inventor of Ron-Ron Juice and a woman who was banned from Planet Hollywood really be rolling the dice by mixing their genes into another person? Ariana Sky will be lucky if she’s able to dodge the rage issues and alcoholism inherent in her DNA, but lightning doesn’t strike twice. To put it lightly, a second child would be… screwed.
Not only should these two not have another child, but they shouldn’t even be together as a couple. They should be separated by the law and many, many states. Maybe one of them should even move to Asia? I’m pretty sure they’ve only been dating like a year and a half and he’s managed to call her a hoe and threaten to show her sex tape to her 11-year-old son, and she’s accused him of being addicted to cocaine and then dragged him with a car while their child was in it. He had to get a sling! Those don’t look good on guidos! Normally these are things I would make up about people to make a story funnier, but sadly, every incident I’ve reported here is true. I’m actually glad I wrote this article because it’s reminded me that I’ve been meaning to call Child Services on them for a while. Brb.
So in summation, it is NOT true that Ronnie and Jen are having another baby right now, but I’m sure we’ll be reassessing next year. The holidays + lots of alcohol + hate sex = bundle of joy. So let’s all cherish this second child-free time while we can.
Images: @realronniemagro, @tt_kittymeow/Instagram; Giphy
Yeah, so this is probably shocking, but Ronnie from Jersey Shore might not be such a great guy. If you’ve been paying any attention, you’ll know that his girlfriend Jen Harley gave birth to their daughter in April (apparently, I have not been paying any attention), but now it looks like Ronnie and Jen are over. Moment of silence for a couple that exactly zero of us thought would make it. Grab yourself a drink and get comfortable, because there’s a lot going on in this messy tale of cheating and deleted Instagram stories.
Things blew up over the weekend, when Ronnie apparently got mad at Jen for keeping videos of her having sex with an ex-boyfriend. That’s pretty uncool of Jen, but Ronnie’s reaction didn’t exactly win him any moral superiority points. He took to my favorite journalistic medium (Instagram stories, duh) to sound off on Jen:
Note to self, can’t turn a natural born HOE, into a HOUSEWIFE, if you find them in the gutter then leave them in the gutter
Yeah, that’s a big ol’ yikes, and Jen responded with an equally classy Insta story herself:
Can’t turn a coke head into a father! Yeahhh buddy
Wow, I love these people. The stories got deleted, but not before the couple literally had a fight on Instagram Live. You guys, I could not make this shit up. Ronnie tried to grab the phone out of Jen’s hand while saying “YOU WANT THE FUCKING LIVE SHIT?” Start sending prayers for their daughter to have a normal childhood, and maybe we should set up a Go Fund Me for her therapy appointments.
In the days since this Instagram story fiasco, things have gotten even weirder between the couple. On Monday, posted a statement on his story, apologizing for all the drama he created. “I want to apologize to my family, friends and fans. This is a private matter that should have never been made public. I remain focused on my daughter and she is my number one priority.” Cute, but then an hour later he posted a quote about deleting unnecessary people from your life, tagging Pauly D for some unknown reason. What a difference an hour makes. A least now I know the exact time of day that Ronnie Magro likes to drink his RedBull.
Believe it or not, calling the MOTHER OF HIS CHILD “unnecessary” is not even close to the messiest part of this story. At the moment, Jen and Ronnie are still following each other on Instagram, but they’ve been responding to comments and it’s the sloppiest thing I’ve seen since some of my prime drunken college behavior. But with a kid involved, so things are considerably more bleak.
Tater tot kitty (and the subsequent tt kittymeow) is Jen, in case you weren’t sure about that. So yeah, like what the actual fuck is going on here? So many things! A lesbian sex? Getting fked anal?!!! Hmmmmmmmmmm. Really, my reaction to all of this is one big “hmmmmmmmmmm.” I have not had enough coffee today to deal with these assholes.
Guys, this might be controversial, but I think Ronnie might not be that smart (I mean, the man did hashtag “father,” if that’s any indication of his level of intelligence). But this makes no sense. Also, who are these girls commenting shit like this? If you care that much, you should probably realize that Ronnie’s not magically going to become a “mans man” (whatever that means) because of some rando’s Insta comment. Someone who knows Ronnie and Jen should really get them to deactivate their Insta accounts for a couple weeks and cool down, because this shit is just tragic at this point. Obviously I have no idea if all of the various allegations between the two are true, but either way the petty commenting is v bad.
So Ronnie and Jen are definitely not together at the moment, but it sounds like they might still be living together. Their fight over the weekend was reportedly kicked off when Ronnie told Jen she needed to move out, but other sources say that Jen kicked Ronnie out of his Las Vegas house two weeks ago, after seeing him cheating on the show. Tbh, I don’t give a fuck who gets the house, but these two morons should clearly not be living under the same roof right now. Again, their daughter clearly needs ALL the prayers, because oh my god this a mess. Somewhere in Jersey, Sammi Sweetheart is saying a quick prayer of thanks.
Images: MTV; Giphy; @realronniemagro / Instagram (2); @tt_kittymeow / Instagram