Someone call Sammi Sweetheart, because Rahn needs to stahp. Just kidding, I would never wish that on Sammi, she needs to stay far away from the bad man. She actually turned down joining Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, where she’d probably be making roughly $80,000 per episode just because she didn’t want to deal with Ronnie, and apparently with good reason. Earlier this month, Ronnie was being a loving, caring partner, father, and role model, as per usual. Oh wait, just kidding. He allegedly hit Jen Harley, threatened to kill her, chased her around with a knife, then barricaded himself in their Airbnb with his infant daughter while Jen ran to the neighbors for help. He then resisted the police, threatened the police, had to be tased, and was arrested.
Insanely enough, this is very on-brand for Ron and Jen, who brought in the New Year by Jen throwing an ashtray at Ron’s face. They also had several pretend burglaries, Jen gave Ron a black eye, and also ran Ron over with her car.
Ron was originally arrested for kidnapping, which sounds about right, considering he locked his baby in the house with him after brandishing a knife (allegedly) and refusing to come out for the police. I listen to true crime podcasts, I know how the law works. But now he’s been hit with five misdemeanor charges: domestic violence, brandishing a weapon, child endangerment, resisting arrest, and criminal threats. Which is actually positive for him since he didn’t get a felony. This is the bar we’re setting now. I’m sorry, when is it enough? Ron has always been a loose cannon and completely aggressive and violent, but he continues to outdo himself. Remember when he destroyed all of Sammi’s things after HE cheated?
That was absolutely nothing compared to how bad he is now. There is security footage of Jen trying to hide from him, even checking the neighbor’s car trunk to hide in with her baby. This is just completely sick and horrible. Ron claims that there was no knife involved, but even without a knife, the situation is really f*cking bad. Jen says Ron lost his mind after doing a ton of coke, which she’s said about him before, but also he’s supposedly sober now. But also, that’s not an excuse?? I mean, when I do coke I tell a bunch of long-winded stories, I don’t kidnap babies and threaten my loved ones.
Ronnie’s attorney told E! News, “The facts and circumstances around Ronnie’s arrest have been misreported and exaggerated, like we mentioned in the past. We are happy the District Attorney’s refused to file any charges and we look forward to addressing this matter with City Attorney; until then, we will make no further comment.”
Jen’s attorney, meanwhile, told E! News, “Everyone acknowledges she was the victim. We don’t contest with what the authorities have done with the charges. We believe her injuries were serious, and could have easily a felony, but the charges he is currently facing shows that the authorities agree that she was the victim of a crime. Her injuries are significant. I don’t think the change in the charges is going to effect the restraining orders she has against him (in LA and Vegas).”
Let’s really just hope this is the end of this story, because nothing good can come of Ronnie and Jen staying together.
If you or someone you love is involved in a potentially violent domestic situation contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or online here.
Ronnie Ortiz-Magro from Jersey Shore has gone f*cking crazy again, only this time it’s not in a funny drank-too-much-and-cheated-on-Sammi-Sweetheart type of way. Around 3:00am this morning, multiple 911 calls were placed saying that a woman was running through the Hollywood Hills shouting that someone had taken her baby. One neighbor said the woman came to their front door after they witnessed her being attacked by a shirtless man. When the police arrived the woman, Jen Harley, Ronnie’s on-again/off-again girlfriend and the mother of his daughter Ariana, said that Ronnie had been chasing her around with a knife and was currently inside their rented Airbnb with their baby. She had sustained some minor injuries.
Jersey Shore’s Ronnie Ortiz in handcuffs after 3am domestic violence incident. Woman reported being assaulted + that Ortiz had her baby inside home. Police say he wouldn’t come out so they broke down door to rescue baby. Coming up live on @FOXLA #JustOneStation pic.twitter.com/Iy6xNg2CJr
— Gigi Graciette (@GigiGraciette) October 4, 2019
When the police knocked on the door of the home, Ronnie refused to come out. Fearing for the baby’s safety, police busted the door down… where Ronnie tried fighting them and was “extremely combative.” Yikes. I don’t need Law & Order: SVU to tell me that assaulting a police officer is a bad idea. He was subsequently tased, handcuffed, and taken to the hospital for an evaluation. He’s since been released from the hospital and will be facing domestic violence and kidnapping charges.
The disturbing event comes just 12 hours after the couple interviewed on the street with TMZ, saying they were back together after a month apart and were getting ready for a CBD company launch party that evening. Seems like he partied just a little bit too hard!! BUT HERE’S THE F*CKING GAG: When asked about Jersey Shore co-star Mike Sorrentino, who was recently released from an 8-month prison stint for tax evasion, Ronnie said, “he’s jacked, have you seen him? I feel like I want to go to prison for 8 months, he looks good!” CAREFUL. WHAT. YOU. WISH. FOR.
Ronnie and Jen have had a very tumultuous relationship from the beginning. On New Year’s Eve, Ronnie filed a police report over Jen chucking an ashtray at his face, leaving him bloodied. Later that day, she reported that when she arrived home, he had broken into her apartment and torn the place to shreds, punched a hole in the wall, smashed a bunch of glass, and flipped her furniture. (Sound familiar? I wonder if he tried to dump her mattress out of the house too.)
A few weeks prior to that, Jen’s Las Vegas apartment building released footage of Rahn punching out the security camera installed in Jen’s front door. Last October, Ronnie called the Las Vegas police, saying that Jen punched him in the face and gave him a black eye, but didn’t follow through on pressing charges.
Do you need a neck brace from all the whiplash yet? Good, there’s more. Only a month ago, Jen went on an Instagram story tirade where she claimed that Ronnie cheated on her, even posting a now-deleted photo of him snuggling up next to another girl on a boat. She also accused him of being abusive and a bully. She said that she’s bullied by MTV and Ronnie’s Jersey Shore cast members because they’re “protecting their asset.” She pointed to his short-lived romance with Keeping Up with the Kardashians regular Malika Haqq as proof that he’s abusive, posting an Insta story where Haqq said, “his love language is very aggressive, it’s verbally aggressive, it’s physically aggressive, it’s just the way he expresses himself.”
Clearly, she’s not wrong and this is a terrible relationship for everyone involved, especially 18-month-old Ariana. It seems like this will be the straw that breaks the camels back, but then again, Ronnie and Jen got back together after she dragged him from a car, so who really knows. Kidnapping and domestic violence charges sure won’t be a walk in the park for Ron, though. Maybe he’ll get swole in prison, but I wonder if they get enough yard time for him to maintain his tan? Either way, this is sure to f*ck up any potential Jersey Shore seasons that may be in the works.
In all seriousness, if you or someone you love is involved in a potentially violent domestic situation contact the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or online here.
Images: Shutterstock.com; Giphy; GigiGraciette / Twitter
Hello all, it is officially our LAST Jerzday for a while because it is the Jersey Shore Family Vacation FINALE. This season has gone on so long, I can’t even believe it. What did I used to do on Thursdays? Did I have hopes, dreams perhaps? Did I have friends? I will find out next week when I’m no longer enslaved to MTV.
I wonder if this season has gone on so long because pretty much nothing interesting has happened. We open this episode in the middle of a crazy-ass fight between that one Fat Shamer guy that told Ronnie he has more money than him and his stripper girlfriend who hates Angelina. It’s like producers were like, “Oh finally, something happened! We can end the show now!”
Angelina is trying to attack the other girl, Jenni threw a drink on her, there is screaming, chairs being thrown, pregnant Deena ran away, it is total chaos. The stripper and the guy are outside of the bar after security moved them out and the girl starts attacking the guy! Ronnie is like, “oh I totally would have punched him, oh well,” as the guy’s own gf punched him in the face.
Ron: She had a great right hook!
Snooki is so pleased with herself, she’s like stuffing her face with chips and is like, “We can still throw down, don’t f*ck with us.” Pretty sure she hid behind Jenni for the whole fight but okay. Ronnie is also patting himself on the back for doing nothing, in fact he compares himself to Moses.
Ron: Yeah, everyone just followed me outside.
Snooki: Didn’t Moses break the water?
Ron: I’m very religious.
Angelina: Moses had all the animals on the boat.
Ron: That was Noah.
Angelina: Nicole, Moses wasn’t the one with the animals, he’s the one with the-
Snooki: That’s Adam and Eve.
Ron: Moses parted the Red Sea, but I’m 95% sure that Jesus came first. Well Adam and Eve came, then Jesus-
Snooki: I love Jesus.
This has been Bible Study, Jerzday edition. I just lost a few brain cells. Vinny has had enough. It’s 4am and the Spiral Squad has irritated him to the point of getting out of bed.
Angelina: Adam and Eve banged to make more people, then Moses parted the sea, so Noah built the ark for animals, and Jesus rode on the boat.
Oh my God, you think this can’t get any dumber, but this is when Snooki informs Ang that Jesus flew in. Probably on Spirit Airlines, according to Ron. Oh hey, I just got that. Angelina is now describing how she loves to use the bathroom on airplanes and she’s pretty sure that her, um, excrement, flies off the plane and hits pedestrians in the face. I swear to God, I’m getting dumber watching this show. RIP to my last two brain cells. It’s been nice knowing ya.
“The gang is going to some kind of blood foundation fundraiser thing with Deena and her family since her dad died of leukemia. They’re all like, “what a perfect end to our trip,” and I’m over here like, “huh that sounds super f*cking boring to watch.” I’m all for charity but like, they could have done this on their own time. I want to watch them get hammered and fight—that’s all I expect from these people.
They’re all talking about who’s coming to the charity event and it leads to how Angelina’s sex life is garbage, which naturally leads to chanting “Angelina Hasn’t Gotten Plowed In A Long Time” in a cult-like fashion. This causes Vinny to get all riled up and he jumps on top of Angelina and begins to hump her. Wtf, Vinny, this might be why she thinks you want to f*ck her. Someone hose him off! He’s like one of my mom’s Yorkies. Calm yourself, man!
Ang is concerned the roommates will sing their fun new song to Chris (aka Thumb Thumb), but like, maybe don’t sh*t on your sex life to other people (and hi, on TV) if you don’t want it to get back to him?
Ronnie gets on his phone and rushes outside. What happened now? Who did Jen f*ck? Oh sh*t, Jen was robbed. I also learned via subtitles saying that Jen is on the phone that Jen is really “Jenn”. Of course that’s how she spells it. Okay, sorry, I won’t make fun of her rn, she was robbed!
Some guy came in through the back door while she and the baby were home and ransacked the place. That is soooo scary. This is why people need dogs. Well like, one of a million reasons. It’s like, reason one: cute, reason two: cuddly, reason three: break-ins.
Pauly thinks Jen, sorry, JENN is lying to talk to Ronnie. Jenn is staying in the house despite the break-in and Ron is like, “that makes no sense,” which fair point. Then Ron says that Jenn found a bag of bullets in the backyard? Ooookay, that is sounding pretty fake. Why would the robber just leave those? Also don’t most robbers watch the house first? Like, they know if someone is home. I watch a lot of true crime, I’m basically an expert here. So we have to ask ourselves: is Jenn that crazy? And you know what? She totally is!
Mike: I’m befuddled if that’s a word.
It’s totally a word. I’m mildly impressed he knows that. Okay wait. Here’s the tea. So Jenn moved out of Ronnie’s house. Then a DAY LATER she gets robbed at her house. The robber left a box of bullets on the Jacuzzi. Is he the worst robber ever? This house has been abandoned for months, and now is the time to rob it, when they’re clearly back living in it? So Ronnie told Jen to please go back to his house so she’s *safe*.
Vinny is like, “I don’t want to be insensitive, but it sounds weird,” and Pauly shuts that down and is like, “none of this sh*t happened, it’s a big fat lie, Jenn’s a lying liar.” And Vin is all, “oh cool, I didn’t have to say it.” And Pauly’s like, “no robber would leave a box of bullets, like I rob houses for a living.” The girls want to know what was taken. Apparently all that is stolen is a phone and a laptop. To which they’re like, “why would anyone break into a house to steal a phone?” Solid point. Also phones can be tracked.
The guys think this is so on brand for Jenn that they can’t even react seriously about it and are more concerned with whether Ron wants to come with them for a haircut. This doesn’t even make the list of Jenn’s Greatest Hits, which according to the guys, are as follows:
- dragging Ron with a car
- smashing the TVs with a golf club
- slapping and spitting on Ron on TV
The girls think it either is a complete lie or she had one of her friends do it. It’s only a matter of time before Ron gets sucked back into this sham of a relationship.
Vin: There was Taken 1. Then Taken 2. Then Taken 3. Now there is… Taken Ronnie.
Ronnie thinks the robbers stole her phone so she couldn’t call for help… but that’s like, the only thing they took. Deena tells him his life is a bad movie, and Ron is like, “no, it’s a television show. “Then he breaks the fourth wall and looks directly into the camera. I don’t appreciate Ron looking at me, make him stop it. And Deena is like, “NO RON, it’s a BAD movie.”
The guys go to lunch with Ron and try to tell him that this robbery is clearly a lie. Mike tells him it’s just very unlikely to have a home invasion and get run over by a car in the same month. I don’t know the stats on that, but I cannot believe this has only been a month in Jersey time. So we’ve seen like their every waking moment then for a month for this season? Pauly straight-up tells him that this a story “conjured up”. Ronnie is like, “Jenn wouldn’t do that.”
Anyone who’s witnessed even 10 seconds of Jenn’s actions:
Vinny: I dated this girl who had asthma and every time I tried to break up with her she’d give herself an asthma attack and send herself to the hospital.
I feel personally attacked rn. Ronnie doesn’t think she’d make that up with the baby around, but I think that’s all the more reason she would do it. She’s holding it over him to really freak him out and make him obsess over her and the baby.
Deena thinks if it was her, she would immediately fly home and make sure her kid is okay, which like, good point. But also this is Jenn’s plan! Like in normal circumstances, that is 100% what he should do, but she is doing this to get him to freak out and go home.
They all get ready and go to the fundraiser. They arrange conga line style and Pauly orchestrates them with his megaphone to chant their Angelina song while they fist pump out the door. Except now it sounds like Angelina-Ain’t-Got-Pounded-Out-In-A-Long-Time. Is that what they were always saying? Did I accidentally correct their grammar in my head because my poor, fragile ears could not take it? Angelina is joyously chanting along, because “it’s true”.
The back of Vin’s shirt says Keto Guido, which makes this maybe his 11th shirt that is Keto-related. Pauly’s says Prank War Champion. I can’t see anyone else’s yet. The event is for Be The Match and they encourage people to donate cash and sign up to see if they’re a possible donor for the database, which is pretty cool. Danny shows up and made all the shirts for the event. Everyone’s families show up. Ron’s giving away Won Won Juice. Then Ang’s fiancé shows up and Vinny gets super jealous and is all, “no it’s not awkward, everything’s cool,” and then decides to organize everyone to do the Angelina chant on stage in front of said fiancé. That’s just cruel.
Yeah Vin, you’re definitely not trying to ruin their relationship. Pauly starts DJ-ing. Vin is hosting the live auction and gets everyone up on stage. Ron’s shirt says Spiral Squad. The first auction item: Touch Pauly D’s blowout. Some chick straightup pays $875 to touch his hair. Where do these thots get so much spending money?
Next item: Take a shot with Snooki. Are they aware they can just hang around any bar in Jersey and do this for free? According to Snooks, she’s now a “floor-amplithist”. So many people bid on this that Snooki has to take like 9 shots which is 100% how she will die of alcohol poisoning. She’s a tiny thing, she weighs like 11 pounds. Vinny calls her a work of art (but when I take 9 shots in a row I’m “bordering on alcoholism”… ok). Snooks does it and raises $2,400.
Jenni’s contribution is to dance with someone. She raises $840. Angelina has a trash bag race and gets $725. Ronnie arm wrestles for $900, Mike has a meatball eating contest for $1,200. Like wtf Mike, you could have paid your taxes if you knew this was what the people wanted.
You might think that Vinny is so involved with raising money for a great cause that he forgets he’s a petty, petty bitch. You would be wrong. Because that’s when Vinny decides to broadcast via microphone to everyone that Angelina’s sex life sucks.
Jenni: might as well go on to her fourth engagement because this isn’t going to last after that song.
Vinny then coerces the crowd into a chant directly to Chris that ANGELINA-AIN’T-GOT-POUNDED-OUT-IN-A-LONG-TIME. Chris looks humiliated and Vinny is super pleased with himself. They raised $40,145, which is crazy but also awesome.
They’re all like, everything is sunshine and rainbows, we’re ending on a high note, blah blah blah. This is boring af. And then it just ends. They finish the episode with “in memory of” Deena’s father and Vin’s uncle and it’s all just a bit too WHOLESOME for me. But like, good for you guys.
And just like that we’re free of the horrors of the Jersey Shore for probably like three weeks before it starts again because MTV does not want us to be free. Let me know what you thought of this season in the comments, and if you’ll be back for season 3! Now if you need me I’m going to pound shots.
Images: Giphy; MTV
For about five minutes yesterday, I thought the world was ending. Why, you ask? Well because Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and the woman who dragged him from a moving car his girlfriend Jen Harley announced they were having another baby. Sort of. They both shared pictures of a pregnant Jen, which she captioned “baby bump debut,” and he captioned simply with the pregnant woman emoji, which is something I find disturbing enough on its own, let alone in reference to someone who should have been sterilized. I thought we had hit our limit for terrible sh*t that could happen in 2018, but Ronnie and Jen having another baby would put us over the limit.
So I started figuring out what I would write in this article other than “those f*cking morons” over and over again (I tried, but my editor said I couldn’t!), when it turns out the whole thing is a hoax! These are OLD pictures from the LAST time their unprotected sex resulted in an accidental child that they will irreparably damage and then not pay to send to a therapist. Jen adjusted her caption to clarify the whole thing.
Are you really sorry, though? Because if you didn’t want to confuse people, I’m pretty sure you would have said from the start that these pictures were from last year. Don’t play coy with me, tt_kittymeow. I see right through you. So what was the point of this? Did they want people to question their intelligence all over the internet? Perhaps they weren’t getting enough attention because it’s been a minute since they physically assaulted each other, and a pregnancy hoax was the only thing their little pea-sized brains could think of?
So, since they’re not pregnant (praise Jesus!), I’m going to use this article to BEG of them to never have another child. Just last week Ronnie was referring to a woman that he was willingly flirting with as a “Jewish Rag Doll.” I don’t even know what that means or how it is insulting, but I am OFFENDED. So sorry she tempted you into doing embarrassing things on TV when you have a girlfriend and a child, and no free will of your own, right? Always blame the woman!
And let’s be real, should the inventor of Ron-Ron Juice and a woman who was banned from Planet Hollywood really be rolling the dice by mixing their genes into another person? Ariana Sky will be lucky if she’s able to dodge the rage issues and alcoholism inherent in her DNA, but lightning doesn’t strike twice. To put it lightly, a second child would be… screwed.
Not only should these two not have another child, but they shouldn’t even be together as a couple. They should be separated by the law and many, many states. Maybe one of them should even move to Asia? I’m pretty sure they’ve only been dating like a year and a half and he’s managed to call her a hoe and threaten to show her sex tape to her 11-year-old son, and she’s accused him of being addicted to cocaine and then dragged him with a car while their child was in it. He had to get a sling! Those don’t look good on guidos! Normally these are things I would make up about people to make a story funnier, but sadly, every incident I’ve reported here is true. I’m actually glad I wrote this article because it’s reminded me that I’ve been meaning to call Child Services on them for a while. Brb.
So in summation, it is NOT true that Ronnie and Jen are having another baby right now, but I’m sure we’ll be reassessing next year. The holidays + lots of alcohol + hate sex = bundle of joy. So let’s all cherish this second child-free time while we can.
Images: @realronniemagro, @tt_kittymeow/Instagram; Giphy
After a boring summer without enough GTL, Jersey Shore Family Vacation is back! We’re excitedly waiting to see if Ronnie finally got the balls to stay single, if Mike’s going to prison, if Angelina is going to be a regular (God, please, no), if J-Woww found her personality, and what a preggo meatball Deena will be like. The season preview was literally just them screaming at each other.
We open up to Ronnie and Baby Mama Jen having a baby shower. Ronnie, you f*cking moron. If your woman is throwing you out of a moving car, if you’re trying to cheat every two seconds, just break tf up. Why must I tell you this? Ronnie is such a good dad, he went to London when Jen was about-to-burst pregnant and landed when she went into labor. And he literally complains that he had to fly back for the birth of his child. A dream parent, really. We’re 30 seconds in and I’m already mad at you, Ron.
Ugh, God, I hate babies. I mean, ooooh looook little guido baby. Cuuuuute. Let’s get on with the show, people.
Oh, here’s generic blonde Lauren and Mike, talking about their dream wedding abroad, ruined by Mike’s impending prison sentence. It’s so annoying when your crimes prevent you from your special day plans, amirite? Love that none of this is a red flag to Lauren, but hey, she let Mike break up with her several times to f*ck other women, and took him back again and again.
Now Pauly and Ronnie are playing with his tiny meatball baby. By “playing”, I of course mean “staring at it” because that thing is barely alive at this age. Oh my God, here we go with a hilarious montage of Ronnie and Jen’s totally abusive and nasty messages to each other with Ronnie screaming over it. Yikes. They’re really glossing over how problematic this is.
And now we’re somehow cutting to lunch with Snooks and Angelina being fake polite to each other. Oh good, Snooki bought her adult diapers. Oh good, they got their boobs done together. I have no interest in this.
Vinny is talking to his mom about how much happier he is without the Instagram Model in his life. Now he can save all the strippers he wants! Oooooh, I totally forgot this season is going to be in Vegas. Funny how for Jersey Shore there is no Jersey Shore in sight. Guess they’re still not allowed back then? TBH, I didn’t even know what the Jersey Shore was before this show, so maybe they should be thanking MTV.
J-Woww is all, “Oh everyone thinks babies are so easy!”, like no b*tch, babies look like life-ruining nightmares, but okay. Her baby is two and doesn’t speak yet and has to go to therapy. I don’t know at what age babies usually speak at, but I’m assuming this is bad? While I do feel bad she’s worried about her kid, quiet kids seem way easier, soo…
The girls meet for drinks (food?) and apparently Angelina called Jenni a Jersey Whore which she finds really offensive. I’m disappointed in you, J-Woww, you used to be proud of being a Jersey whore. Deena announces that she’s not coming to Vegas due to her pregnancy, which like, good. Sorry D, you spent all last season falling on the ground and crying about your husband. I’m imagining pregnancy hormones are worse than alcohol, yes? I could do without it.
The guys arrive in a ridiculous suite at Planet Hollywood. It has a stripper pole in the shower.
Vinny: Ronnie’s gonna be single by like dinner.
He’s still with Jen after the violence and the weird little Instagram montage? Oh, Ron. Also Vin, Ron does not have to be single to f*ck strippers, which we’ve learned many times over. I remember when they had a little tiny (but really gigantic) beach shack above the T-shirt shop. Ah, memories. Pauly calls Ron out for posting two days prior on social media that he is single; now he’s saying he and Jen are good.
Mike: Ron’s acting like Puerto Rican Jesus. He says he’s working things out but how long will that last.
Mike, I think we remember the Bible differently.
Ronnie doesn’t want to go to a strip club. Also, can we discuss Mike’s shirt? Like, it’s not a bad shirt, but it just doesn’t look like him. He doesn’t look right next to the other guys.
Ronnie: I don’t want to go anywhere with Mike in that shirt.
Oh f*ck, if I’m agreeing with Ronnie, I need to rethink my entire life.
The girls arrive in Vegas!
Oh wait. I forgot. Sammi’s dead, Deena’s pregnant (which may as well be dead), and Angelina thankfully wasn’t invited yet because the producers are obviously going to surprise throw her on us later in the season. So the “girls” is literally just Snooks and J-Woww. And J-Woww still looks like a librarian, so she really doesn’t count. Snooki better step it up this season, that’s all I have to say.
We’re almost done with this episode and literally nothing has happened.
Snooks: Mom’s are here!
See? Having children makes everyone boring. Snooki has an updated pouf, where it’s like as big as her old pouf, but it’s segregated in three pieces like a spiked crown. Is she going to party or rule the seven seas?
F*CKING SNOOKI, she just announced that she invited Angelina to replace Deena on the trip. Why are you doing this to us? Angelina left the first season, 10 years ago. She is cancelled. Snooki has failed me so far. J-Woww is pissed but you can’t tell because her face does not move.
Out of nowhere, Mike announces that he and the “Missus” are “experimenting in the bedroom.” File that under things I don’t need to picture, thanks. Ronnie is bringing the baby and Jen to show everyone (why do people always insist on showing you their babies? They all look like shriveled potatoes for the first six months). J-Woww super sketchily cuts to her interview where she announces: I have a secret.
Apparently, she reached out to Jen after #SocialMediaGate. Now she’s worried Jen has told Ron that she once again inserted herself in the middle of his relationship. Like, why would she even talk to Jen? She doesn’t know her. Jen brings the shriveled potato up to their room. Snooks and J-Woww cry and say she looks just like Ron. They say this like it’s positive. Can you imagine Ron as a woman? That is going to be a hideous child if she doesn’t grow out of this. Don’t put that on her, guys. Vinny’s ovaries explode at seeing the baby. Oh my God, Snooki tries to smile at the baby and her face is so puffy and frozen it ends up like grimace. That is so scary and also so hilarious. Why do people do this to their face? Who is allowing her to have this much botox?
Mike to Jen: I don’t know what you did to this man, he’s a different person now.
Mike, Ronnie said no to the strip club. Once. One time. Two days ago he was announcing over social media that he was single. A little before that, he was engaging in totally abusive and violent arguing with Jen. But yeah, he’s a changed man. Mike is basically every woman ever.
J-Woww pulls Jen aside to talk and Jen says didn’t tell Ron anything about their conversations.
Jen: I told Ron I trust him 100%, and also if he f*cks up, I’ll find out.
First of all, you should not trust him, he has given you a million reasons not to. Secondly, what is there to find out if you trust him? Run, Jen, run. Collect that child support and go. I cannot believe there is a woman in this world that wants to be with someone like Ronnie so badly that she’s willing to put up with this kind of garbage.
We end Jersey Shore Family Vacation season 2 episode 1 with Ron sending Jen off. Let the sh*tshow begin, friends.
Oh wait, there are two episodes back to back.
Okay, I guess I have to do this all over again now. I mean, fine, but something actually interesting better happen.
The group is talking about Ron and Jen behind their backs. What else is new? I am sooooooo embarrassed for Jen. This man drove you to getting into a physical altercation in the car with your baby, throwing him out of the car in front of said baby, and then running him over with it. But yeah, I’m sure it’ll work out now, guys. Or you could just break up.
Oh sweet Jesus, Mike is getting tanner by the second. He looks like OG Snookie. As if on cue, Vin starts singing the Oompa Loompa song. Ronnie says he’s glad everyone got to meet the baby before Jen goes to Oklahoma. Why is she going to Oklahoma? Is she moving away or like, on vacation? Who vacations in Oklahoma?
Now we have a whole sequence of the boys playing with the sequins on pillows. Can you people be fun again, please?
WHAT is with Jenni’s severe bun in her interviews? She looks like one of the men from Mulan.
Jenni is crying because she wanted some kind of Mother’s Day video but her friends were supposed to be in it (?) and now she’s mad at them (?). Unclear. Also, I have trouble understanding people who talk without moving their mouths. This is why I have so many friends in LA. I just smile and nod because I don’t know what their Botox faces are saying. It makes me appear agreeable.
They all go to dinner.
Vinny: All I want is for someone to look at me the way Mike looks at a food menu.
Seriously, me too, dude. Mike orders half of the menu. Why is he insisting on being fat? He’s like “oh, whatever, it won’t matter because I’ll get ripped when I for sure go to prison”? Does anyone really do that? I’ve seen every episode of OITNB, and that was Piper’s goal too, but so far she’s lost some teeth and caused a lot of problems, but is def not ripped.
Jenni is now announcing that she’s mad at Snooki about the Mother’s Day video. I don’t get this? Why would any of these people be in her Mother’s Day video? These aren’t your kids. Even though you supervise Vinny’s haircuts. It’s weird and creepy. Jenni, you used to have real problems, like b*tches looking at you wrong at the club. Fun things. Then Jenni decides she really wants to cause problems over this stupid f*cking video, because although she made sure Baby Mama Jen didn’t tell Ron anything, she now announces that she’s been conspiring with her at the table to everyone. Why? Then she comes for Vin.
Jenni: If only you had cheated on Alicia (Insta model) like you cheated on your diet, you guys would still be together.
It took me a second to understand what the f*ck she meant, but I get it. Vin never cheats on his miserable and insane keto diet, but did cheat on his miserable and insane gf. Way harsh, Jenni.
Vin: I loved Jenni in The Mask, it was amazing.
Jenni: My face will go down in a day or two, but your ego and cheating ways will stay forever.
I mean. These statements are all true. But good to know that Jenni’s face is freshly shot up, maybe she’ll even make an expression by next week?
So Vinny and Pauly are both single but Ronnie isn’t, which means nothing to Ronnie, so basically they’re all single. Pauly is besties with everyone because they’re going to Drais, where he is the resident DJ. Pauly is so happy the “Smash Squad” is back. Didn’t they used to call it smushing?
Jenni is asleep in the club in the corner and she’s all giant scary lips. The guys say she looks like a mannequin and they are not wrong. Jenni, who are you? I don’t know this woman.
Ronnie is sitting in the corner. Like, you guys can still be fun even if you’re not cheating? Why are these the only options?
Jenni took Snooki with her in the cab. She is such a bore, I can’t take it.
Snooki: Did Bill Cosby drug you?
This. This is why we keep Snooki around. But also, too soon?
Back at the club, Vinny is educating us that all Canadian women are DTF because they’re basically men. Oooookay. Mike and his puffy orange face and indoor sunglasses pouts against the wall. Pauly and Vinny bring the slutty Canadians back and immediately put them in their beds. Like, fully dressed and with shoes on. What is this. Now there is a montage of Canada. Which is mostly hockey. I mean, this is definitely what I think all of Canada is, so fair. Pauly and Vinny send the girls away once they’re done with him. Just like old times!
Boring J-Woww wakes up at 8:30am, and all I want to know is how anyone can sleep in this severe bun. Does your head not hurt? She calls Roger to continue b*tching about Mother’s Day. Let it go, woman. This is like her entire personality, this Mother’s Day video. Everyone but Vin goes to breakfast. Mike orders chicken and waffles and french fries.
Mike: I do the keto diet with one cheat day. One cheat day, 3-5 times a week.
Weird, me too.
Ron calls Jen and apparently her flight was changed so she wants to come visit Ron. He’s like, f*ck no. And he basically explains that she’s really pure evil and he doesn’t want her around. Seems like this is going well.
They all go to a pool party and Pauly DJs. Mike is jealous he’s not getting enough attention, so he puts on this totally revolting giant panda head and dances around. So I guess Jen won, because Ron is spending the whole day moping that she’s coming out with them. Ron starts getting 400 texts from Jen yelling at him. Like, Ron, what did you do now? You haven’t even been here for 24 hours. Ron goes to the bathroom and gets in a little fight with some guy. Then security has to intervene. Like, can’t you just pee without causing a problem? He’s even doing aggressive clapping at the guy, which I didn’t know was still a thing. They are all forced to leave the party. Ron, you have a child, get your sh*t together!
Jenni: So since Jen is visiting, she likes tequila right?
Ron: I don’t know, I don’t care, I’m over it.
Jenni’s shocked face:
He’s literally throwing a tantrum that Jen is coming out with them. Like wtf? Just break up, you psycho. Being single is way more fun. Now Ronnie is crying because he doesn’t want to hang out with Jen. I’m exhausted from their relationship.
Mike: Relationships are tough, life is tough, it doesn’t get easier.
Mike, when you cheat on people and commit crimes that will send you to prison, you’re right. You’re not really the person to ask for advice here.
Ron is calling Jen repeatedly and muttering, “Where’s my daughter?” and crying. Unclear what’s going on here.
Ronnie admits to the group that Jen is basically holding the baby hostage from him based on his behavior. I mean, if you behave like a drunken psycho, I wouldn’t want you around my kid either. And my kid is a dog.
Jenni: Uh if you’re so scared of her taking your kid from you, why are you posting crazy sh*t all over Instagram and baiting her?
Seriously. She then tells Ron to leave Jen and get court-ordered custody so Jen can’t withhold the baby when she feels like it. He freaks the f*ck out and says it’s too hard. Like, he hates Jen anyway, what’s the problem here? Ron continues to play the victim and Jenni is like, “this is your fault for getting a crazy woman pregnant.” SERIOUSLY. Use protection, you idiot.
Oh I guess that’s it for this week. Let’s hope Single Ronnie comes out next week. And by Single Ronnie I mean Probably Still In A Relationship But Gives No F*cks Ronnie.
Images: Giphy (8)
As we all learned yesterday, Kulture Kiari Cephus has made a grand entrance into the world. And apparently it’s not a rare strain of chlamydia, it’s a baby girl. Welcome to the world, Kulture! It’s a dumpster fire here, you’ll love it! If we’re being serious, though, this is a fucking heinous name that makes my ears bleed a little more each time I hear it. Soon I fear I will hemorrhage. Kulture is not even a name when you spell it CORRECTLY, Cardi B, and really, taking a page out of the Kardashian naming book? Sad! In other sad news, Kulture is not the only baby this year saddled with a name that will surely drive her to selling her own sex tape to TMZ approximately 18 years from now. So, let’s take a look back at the celebrity babies this year and rank them on how fucked up they will be based on their “names.” Because nothing is more fun than eviscerating innocent children, am I right? Obviously this list will go from “they’ll probably be fine” to “their first DUI arrest will be next week.”
TBH Crew is not the stupidest name I’ve ever heard. It just makes no sense with the Gaines naming philosophy, which is basically “all the boys get the same name and all the girls get the same name.” Seriously. Joanna and Chip Gaines’ other boys are named Drake and Duke, and their girls are Ella and Emmie. It’s like they picked one name they liked and when they went to put it on the birth certificate they were told they couldn’t use it again and so they switched some letters. So Crew just comes out of left field. I fear he will be screwed up because he knows he’s different than his siblings. He will grow up feeling like an outcast and will end up being a loser that goes to art school.
Let’s be real, Canon Curry will be fine. His dad is Steph Curry and he’s the only boy in his family, so I’m sure he’ll be the anointed one. But he’s going to have to deal with that annoying red squiggle on Microsoft Word for the rest of his life since that’s not how you spell Canon, STEPH! Too busy hitting three-pointers to check a dictionary, huh? Odds are that this name will drive poor Canon to insanity, or at the very least, make him a very bad speller. But I also can’t spell at all, and look how far I’ve gotten in life! I get to make fun of babies on the internet!
So I guess Pete Wentz is a big fan of The Avengers? Why couldn’t he have just gone to Target and gotten that Captain America shirt my brother wears every weekend? We wouldn’t doubt your fandom, Pete. Marvel will most certainly not be a Supreme Court justice, but will definitely be a mediocre Red Lobster waitress, quick with a sarcastic comeback and flush with a trust fund. And an “ironic” Thor tattoo on her upper thigh.
True Thompson is going to be the biggest fucking liar this world has ever met. Nothing she says will ever be true, and she will be her father’s daughter. True will burn through men like I burn through a family size bag of Lay’s sour cream and onion chips when I’m on my period. Expect at least five marriages, countless cheating scandals, and at least one shoplifting incident where she swears she just “forgot to pay” for the couture gown shoved in her bag.
Chicago West is a SUPER cute baby. Unfortunately, even that won’t be enough to save her from a life of butt implants, lip fillers, and a superiority complex. Chicago will see herself as the savior to her namesake city. Sadly, while running for mayor, her butt implants will explode, resulting in Chicago being forced to admit none of the Kardashian asses are real. Chicago will bring shame onto the entire family and will be forced to go into hiding and no one will ever see her again. There will be whispers Kris Jenner murdered her, but no claims will ever be substantiated.
The year Stormi was born, Stormy was also the name of the most famous porn star. Dare I say it’s prophetic? Moving on…
Ariana Sky Magro
If we’re being real for a minute, we all know that a name is probably only one factor in determining how fucked up a human being becomes, since Ariana is definitely the best celebrity baby name to come out of 2018. Know what’s a bigger factor in determining your future issues? If your mom allegedly dragged your father with a car while you sat in the back seat sucking your thumb. Or, say, if your father said he couldn’t turn your mother from a hoe into a housewife. Ariana Sky, our hopes for you do not reach the sky, they barely reach past the New Jersey state line. By the time she is a teenager, she will be a hybrid of the two grossest humans that ever existed and will have powers so evil and heinous she will destroy the world. May God have mercy on our souls.
Best of luck to these babies! I hope their lives don’t turn out how I’ve predicted, but I fear they will. And to all the parents out there, just remember—it’s never too late to legally change your baby’s name to Emily.
Images: Giphy (3)
You know when you’ve gone to barbecue with your infant child and you’re driving home and you and your partner start bickering? Having a bit of a lover’s spat, perhaps?
K, what about the part where you decide to kick said partner out of your car and as he’s trying to get out of the seatbelt, you just take off, so he is being dragged in the street by the vehicle in front of his infant daughter?
That’s where our fav Jersey Shore nightmare couple differs a little bit than the rest of us. Jen Harley was arrested last night for domestic battery after getting in a huge fight with Ron while driving home from a barbecue. The fight allegedly turned physical (while driving an infant? Really?) and Jen pulled over to let Ron out of the car. Instead of like, you know, actually letting him get out of the car, she allegedly drove off while he was still partially in the car and stuck in the seatbelt, resulting in him getting literally dragged and apparently injured.
So first she drags him on Instagram for being a cheater and a cokehead and now she (allegedly) drags him physically on the streets of Las Vegas. It would almost be poetic, except that domestic violence is always horrible.
RadarOnline reports that Jen’s bail has been set to $3,000, but the emotional scars will last forever for their 2-month-old child. And probably the physical scars for Ronnie.
This is why certain dumbasses should not procreate. I would love to know what they were fighting about—perhaps the most recent episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation where Ron once again solidifies how much he can’t stand Jen and doesn’t want to be with her? I mean, so then you like, break up and stop hanging out at barbecues together. You don’t attempt to run them over with your car. In front of your child. I could totally be a family counselor with that kind of logic.
Let’s hope these trash bags find some help soon, or I can just imagine how that baby is going to grow up—if they don’t kill each other first. Hope Ronnie has a speedy recovery.
Images: Giphy (1)
Last week, we left off with two scary-looking women at the house: Vinny and Angelina. Angelina has yet to make an appearance, but judging by her completely newly purchased face, she is still trash and I expect she will behave like trash when she finally crawls out of the sewer to bang on the door. Also? Do people who get total face reconstruction like that fear for their children? Like, you realize your kid will look like your old face, yes? Wtf is Kylie Jenner going to do when her little girl starts to grow up and has no lips and a handsome jawline? Anyway, let’s get into the Jersey Shore: Family Vacation episode 9 recap.
Snooks and Jenni are leaving to go see their kids that probably don’t look anything like them because they also purchased new faces. Doesn’t Pauly also have a kid? He’s just like, fuck that chick, I don’t need to leave all the reality show fun to see that little bastard. Deena surprisingly isn’t going home to see Chris, which means she will spent the next 72 hours sobbing hysterically about it, most likely from the floor. Pauly declares that they need to get rid of “Mean-a” before they go out that night, and sadly, I totally agree with him. Remember when Deena needed to tell Chris she disrespected him by accidentally falling to the floor? I have NO patience for sloppy drunks. It’s not that hard, guys! Have fun, don’t give a fuck about men, and keep your vagina covered. Those are the only requirements to not be labeled a sloppapotamus. I could be seven vodka sodas deep and as long as I thought to match my panties to my dress and continue to be a good time, I’m considered a class act.
All the guys are plotting to ditch Deena, it’s like Mean Girls: Guido Edition and Deena can’t sit with us. Pauly’s idea is to fly her back to Chris—like she could do that on her own if she wanted to, right? It’s not a great plan. Ronnie suggests writing her a note. He never fucking learns, this guy. Wow, they’re actually going with the flight-and-note plan. How could this possibly go wrong?
However, Deena is not exactly a Mensa scholar, so maybe she won’t get that they’re violently forcing her out of the house. She is also wearing a sweatshirt that I SWEAR TO GOD was going to be one of my sorority’s propaganda shirts. Like, the ones that you all wear the same day so that girls that didn’t get into your sorority cry about how uncool they are because they don’t get to match. This particular shirt has purple/blue lips and our adviser didn’t allow it because blue lips is apparently a drug thing (ecstasy? I don’t know, I’ve never been to Coachella) and our T-shirt chair was so pissed she fucking quit the whole sorority over this. Over this exact shirt.
Snooki: Notes are bad news so I hope this is a joke.
Is Snooki aware that she wrote the note last time? Like, not all notes are bad, just the one YOU wrote one time had bad information. And only because you guys were too dumb to just talk to Sammi when it was very fucking obvious that the only people who would tell on Ron were you and Jenni.
Vin: The original note is like the bible. You can’t rewrite that.
Isn’t Vinny like, actually religious? But okay. So this note is basically the same note as Vinny’s bible and loosely implies Chris is cheating on her. V interesting perspective to take on the whole “making this a positive” spin. Also Ronnie thinks appalling is spelled “a-Paul-ing”. As in Pauly, one of six words he knows.
All of us to Ronnie:
The back of the note says, “JK, you’re going to Jersey,” and Deena bursts into tears. In a surprising twist, Deena is overjoyed because she doesn’t want to spend the weekend with the guys. Good for you, Deena, you never have fun when you’re out with them anyway. But like, couldn’t she have just planned her own trip? Is she held captive because she doesn’t have kids? Ronnie and Vin violently hump each other to celebrate the girls leaving. What is wrong with men? I really don’t get this kind of thing, like they’re “joking” but they are still actually humping each other, so it’s not really a joke?
Why are the guys so excited to go out by themselves? All of MVP+R are in relationships besides Pauly, and he hasn’t brought a single chick home. He’s losing his touch. The only one getting girls is surprisingly Ronnie, but again, it’s super easy when your standards are beneath the floor. The guys freak the fuck out because there is a Sammi Sweetheart clone at the club.
Ronnie: SAMMI IS WAY HOTTER.
I wish I made that up, but he legit just said that. Like, Ronnie, LET IT THE FUCK GO.
The guys go get Fake Sammi, not to be confused with Doll Sammi. OMG, PAULY D wants to fuck Fake Sammi. Wow, I never knew Pauly wanted to fuck Sammi. She went for The Situation first and then Ron, it’s only fair for him to have his turn.
Mike with all the burgers and fries is definitely me when all my friends are with their dates. Like, I’m sorry, my animal-style fries never stand me up and text me 24 hours later saying, “oh sorry, I just got super busy.” NEVER.
Ronnie is now muttering to himself that Pauly fucking fake Sammi is disrespectful to him WHICH IS SO FUNNY because I thought she didn’t look like Sammi, Ron?! YOUR STORY IS FALLING APART.
How is this girl not uncomfortable fucking Pauly while 1) there are cameras and 2) Vinny is in the room watching while eating his burger???
I’m fucking loving the cuts back to Ronnie sitting on the couch, continuing to discuss with producers to what degree Fake Sammi looks like Actual Sammi. He’s just so excited to have any excuse to talk about her. He’s literally going through pics of her on the iPad. HOLY SHIT and then he called a cab to get rid of Fake Sammi? I wonder if Actual Sammi watches this, like his behavior is fucking Fatal Attraction at this point.
Definitely Ronnie to Sammi:
Vin: Ronnie is not jealous at all.
Ronnie pulls Fake Sammi out of bed and shoves her out the door.
Ron: Now I know how Mike felt his whole life.
Hm, that’s so weird Ron, because you said you didn’t like Sammi anymore (after you said you were in love with her but w/e) and that this chick did NOT look like Sammi? I’m getting very sick of him, when does Angelina come fuck shit up?
Vin and Pauly: It seems like…. Ronnie… maybe sent home Fake Sammi… because… she looks like Sammi?!
It took them until the next day to figure this out. Mike and Ron somehow get in a fight.
Ron: You can’t have your cake and eat it too, unless you’re Mike.
Is that a fat joke, Ron? It’s 2018, that shit isn’t allowed anymore. Also, super funny he is aware of that expression considering he is constantly trying to HAVE AND EAT THE FUCKING CAKES.
Mike: You’re just an extra at the Shore House.
Ron’s drama is 95% of this show, unfortunately. If anything, Mike is the extra this season, all he does is eat in the corner.
Ron: You can finally put a sentence together.
Yeah Ron, it’s totally A-PAUL-ING. Oh wait, I just got it. Like a prison sentence. It’s fine guys, I spent $200,000 on college.
Mike: Similar to that clogged toilet upstairs, you’re full of shit.
Must we be reminded? They still haven’t gotten that fixed? Also, why do all the boys run around in a circle?
Ron: Where’s the bus stop, didn’t they take all your cars?
K, that one was pretty good. Let’s hope it doesn’t lead to Mike bashing his head into concrete again.
Jenni is having a “third” life-crisis. Does that explain why she’s been a total bore? The show would be the exact same if Jenni just stayed home. She used to get in fights and write notes and shit, and now she just wears glasses and purses her giant fake lips. The boys are eating cheese and looking at fancy cars. Mike lists his 200 Ferraris he used to have. I can’t believe the IRS managed to catch him with that kind of stealth? Snooks is helping her kids learn. Those poor, poor children. Also, this is making me fall asleep. I have no interest in the boys driving cars. I have no interest in Deena and Chris. Luckily, Pauly is always here for me when the show is getting too fucking dull, because he
was forced to by producers calls Angelina. I’m actually grateful he called Angelina, that’s how bland this episode got. Poor Sex Doll Sammi is lying in the pool. She has seen better days. Sidenote: isn’t she electrical? Is that not a hazard to throw her in a pool?
Vin: The girls will be so surprised to see Angelina that their faces will actually move.
Angelina is obviously thrilled she’s coming, she missed out on a lot of fucking money by ditching the Shore twice. Oh good, the girls are coming home for the shit show.
What the fuck. We are almost done with the episode, and the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island hasn’t even come yet. Are they pushing this bullshit to the next fucking episode?
My biggest complaint with Angelina’s arrival is that her entrance was clearly filmed separately from Mike opening the door. Like how many times did they rehearse that? So awkward. And she has a fucking suitcase. So she’s staying???
Mike: I didn’t even know you were alive?
Me either, what has she been doing this whole time? Oh apparently getting engaged. Angelina’s engaged, for the third time, to a sanitation worker. Which is pretty funny considering she is trash. Also, Angelina has had three men want to spend the rest of their lives with her? Mike is mad that Angelina said he had a small penis. Like, really mad. Like the amount of mad you would be if you really do have a small penis and it was outed on national television. File this under Shit I Did Not Need to Know.
Oh good, the girls are here!
I waited the whole episode for this and nothing even happened yet. Bullshit, JERSEY SHORE, BULLSHIT. Someone better get punched next week!
Images: Giphy (4); MTV (1)