A Holiday Rom-Com Main Character’s Guide To Getting A BF By Christmas

Are you tired of being alone during the holidays? Do you wish your life was like a made-for-TV movie? Full of love, laughter, and Christmas magic? Well, you’re in luck! Follow these foolproof options to live your life like a rom-com and you’ll be Decking the Hallmark as the klutzy main character in no time!

“Christmas Inn Love”

Step 1: Inherit an old inn from a long-lost relative and move to a small town with big Christmas traditions.

Step 2: Butt heads with a rugged, flannel-wearing stranger at the local diner. 

Step 3: Begrudgingly accept help from said rugged stranger after learning that he is the only handyman in town. As the two of you work to restore your inn together, he’ll also “restore your heart.” 

Sam from Holes I can fix that gif

“Baking Love”

Step 1: Buy a small bakery in an ambiguous urban city. 

Step 2: Have your sassy best friend/business partner enter you both into a local baking competition. 

Step 3: Get off on the wrong foot with a fellow sexy and single baker in the competition. Reluctantly team up with the aforementioned sexy baker after each of your respective sassy best friends get food poisoning right before the semifinals.

Step 4: You’ll be “baking love” before your cake has a chance to cool!  

Ariana Grande Blowing Flour

“Return to Santa”

Step 1: Be a high-powered businesswoman who cares more about her career than Christmas. Your holiday tradition should include eating Chinese takeout while you work late at the office, crunching numbers, and avoiding phone calls from your sister who wants you to spend the holiday at home with her kids. 

Step 2: Go into work on Thanksgiving Day even though your office is closed. 

Step 3: Realize that the files you need are in the back filing room on the very top shelf. Discover that the step ladder is broken and make the terrible decision to climb the metal filing cabinet by pulling out drawers strategically and scaling the wall. When you reach the top shelf and find the file you need, lose your balance and fall 10 feet into the arms of the building’s sexy mail guy who happened to also come in on his day off and heard the commotion. 

Step 4: Shaken up, you let the gallant mailman make you a cup of hot cocoa. You find out his name is Nick and you’re instantly attracted to him. As you sip on your perfectly made beverage, the two of you work together and clean up the messy filing room, laughing all the way. 

Step 5: He invites you to get out of there and have a makeshift Thanksgiving dinner with him. Uncharacteristically, you agree. There’s something about his twinkling eyes and button nose that you just can’t resist. 

Step 6: As you walk the streets of your nondescript metropolitan city together, you realize that you’ll never find a restaurant that’s open on Thanksgiving. So you grab a bag of chips and a bottle of cheap champagne from the only store that’s open and go back to his place, where he makes a feast out of leftovers and junk food. You laugh, drink eggnog, and share a romantic kiss by the fireplace before excusing yourself to use the bathroom. 

Step 7: Get lost on the way to the bathroom and stumble across a room full of mail. Check the envelopes and realize that every single one of them is a letter addressed to Santa. Confront him about it and get him to confess that he’s not just “Nick the Cute Mail Guy” he’s actually Nicholas Clause Jr. aka the Son of Santa AND his official mail carrier. 

Step 8: Tell him that he’s delusional and say that you’re leaving. As you try to storm out of his apartment, he throws himself into the crackling fireplace. You scream as you watch him disappear through the chimney. Moments later there’s a knock on the door. You open it and there he is, dashing as ever, completely unscathed by the fire. He asks if the two of you can talk…Numb, you open the door and he takes your hand and sits you down on his knee. He tells you of his life and about his magical childhood in the North Pole. How, when he got older, he needed to go out and explore the world, which is why he became his father’s official letter carrier. He says he’d always dreamt of living in your Unnamed Urban City (which is actually Vancouver) and working in a vague corporate environment which is why he decided to base his operation out of a magical mailroom in your company’s generic office building. He explains how he uses chimneys to transport himself around the world, collecting letters to Santa. He asks if you’d like to come with him. You do. Together you travel via chimney across the globe. Along the way you fall madly in love—not just with his spirit, but with the spirit of Christmas. 

Step 9: Go to his parents’ house and be proposed to in a romantic mail-themed way on Christmas after Santa’s back from delivering presents. The elves will sing and you’ll live happily ever after with your sexy mailman husband and the world’s best in-laws. 

Warning: If he proposes to you on any other day besides Christmas, you can forget about getting a wedding sequel. Remember, the Hallmark of a good relationship is one that revolves entirely around Christmas. 

 “Write Christmas”

Step 1: Be born and raised in a small town in Middle America where everybody knows each other. It’s important that you’ve spent your entire life in this town, so if you’ve ever moved, I’m sorry but this advice isn’t for you. Why don’t you go back to “Baking Love” where you still might actually have a shot at love, spinster. 

Step 2: After a lifetime of small-town Stars Hollow bliss, you decide to reopen your family’s old bookstore. Ideally, your name is something like Paige Turner, but I’m willing to be flexible if you name the bookstore something equally kitschy.

Step 3: Get roped into helping your best friend since childhood throw the town’s 100th anniversary Christmas Eve Ball. 

P.S. If your town doesn’t have a tradition dating back at least 100 years? Good luck finding love.

Step 4: Discover your dead father’s secret manuscript hidden in a stack of old books at the back of your impossibly quaint store. Read it from front to back in one sitting and dramatically wipe away a single tear as you whisper, “It’s a masterpiece, Dad. A masterpiece.” 

Hallmark movie woman flipping through manusript

Step 5: Send it off to the top publishing house in New York or London and then receive a phone call that your dead dad’s book is a hit and that the fancy publishers want to rush to get it out by Christmas. They have a few notes, so they’ll be sending one of their very best agents down to you so you can make the final edits by their Christmas Eve deadline. 

Step 6: Butt heads with the impossibly handsome big-city publisher, preferably named Read, with whom you have undeniable sexual chemistry. 

Step 7: Deny that sexual chemistry. Fight him on every single edit he tries to make to your father’s book. Tell him that he doesn’t understand the book because he doesn’t understand the meaning of Christmas. 

Step 8: Resolve to show that city slicker the true meaning of Christmas. Tell him that if he wants you to approve the changes to your dad’s book he has to help you with your volunteer duties for the town’s Christmas Ball. You’ll develop the feels as you deck the halls and soon you’ll share a steamy kiss followed by a brief commercial break. 

P.S. If you don’t get him to understand the true meaning of Christmas by midnight on Christmas Eve, you will be cursed from here until eternity. 

Step 9: Receive a troubling call from the publishing house that leads to a simple misunderstanding between you and your bookish beau. You’re left in the lurch when he leaves town with your book and your heart. 

Step 10: Star in a melodramatic montage of you looking sad as you sell books to your attractive and happy customers while a jazzy Christmas song plays underneath. Your best friend will bring you hot cocoa and tell you to forget about the book and the boy, but you just can’t.  

Step 11: Depressed but dressed, you show up at the Christmas Eve Ball to fulfill your volunteer duties. Stare longingly out the window at the town gazebo.   

Step 12: Be swept off your feet when your publishing paramour appears at the coat check with the first edition of your father’s book and it’s everything you wanted it to be and more. The reviews are in and they say it’s the best story ever written about Christmas since the Bible. With the misunderstanding solved and your father’s legacy preserved, yule head straight for the mistletoe and live happily ever after. 

Disclaimer: If your dead dad’s book isn’t about Christmas, you will die alone. 

The End 

If none of these ideas worked for you, well sorry but you just don’t have main character energy. Don’t worry, though. You can always throw yourself down a flight of stairs in front of a men’s class at Equinox! I’m sure you’ll get invited to a Christmas or two!

Images: Jovana Rikalo / Stocksy.com; Giphy (4)

Netflix Rom-Coms Are Ruining Our Relationship Standards

Heads up: this article contains a fair number of spoilers, so if you’re really committed to watching Noah Centineo make out with every 19-year-old C-list actress, be warned. 

If you follow me on any social media, you probably know I have finally returned home from studying abroad. That means I’ll be spending the next few weeks hate-watching my friends’ tropical vacation stories and cheesy Netflix rom-coms

Full disclosure, I love a good (and by good, I mean really bad) rom-com. There are few things I find more entertaining than watching Mila Kunis act “emotionally unavailable.” Not to brag, but I, too, have been called emotionally unavailable, which means my best efforts to do her proud are paying off. However, as Netflix continues to churn out sh*tty rom-coms faster than FashionNova makes knock-offs of what the Kardashians wear, it’s important to ask ourselves if these movies are doing more harm than good to the target audience—namely, young girls. Generally, rom-coms tend to take behavior that is questionable at best and make it into this romanticized, melodramatic story that is totally irresistible. After watching SEVEN Netflix originals and three classic rom-coms, I have produced a list of the top four unhealthy behaviors these movies promote. 

Treating People Like Second Choices

This behavior seems to be a staple in Noah Centineo movies. Seriously, the only real differences between To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before and The Perfect Date are that Centineo is way hotter in the first and a PG-13 escort in the second. It’s like Noah Centineo is the Little Mermaid, and instead of trading his voice with Netflix in return for legs, he gave up his good looks for a multi-picture Netflix deal. Anyway, I digress. 

 

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maybe this #NationalIceCreamDay we get a chocolate shake with two straws 😉🍫🍦

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No one should get in a relationship with someone who treats them like a second choice, which is extremely common in rom-coms, specifically in Netflix’s newer films. In To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, Centineo’s character Peter Kavinsky pretends to date Lara Jean, but only because he wants to get his ex back. Surprise, surprise, he ends up falling for Lara Jean, even though it seems pretty clear that it never would have happened if his ex took him back in the first place. In The Perfect Date, he basically asks the girl that likes him, Celia, to fake-break up with him in public, complete with personal attacks and all, so that he can get the girl he thinks he wants, as if that wouldn’t leave serious emotional damage. However, Netflix wraps this behavior up pretty neatly, with the two main characters declaring their love for each other on the school’s lacrosse field or a sub shop as if suddenly, all is well.

Call me cynical, but if it was me, it would be pretty f*cking sus if some guy spontaneously stopped being in love with his ex-girlfriend and claimed that he was all in for me. I don’t buy it when I see that happen in real life, and I’m sure as hell not buying it from a cheesy Netflix movie. 

Cheating

If you haven’t seen the movie After, stop everything and watch it. Immediately. Not sure if it falls into the rom-com category, but it was, by far, the most absurd thing I have ever seen. Honestly, it was a train wreck I couldn’t look away from. The movie delves into a lot of problematic behaviors, but one I want to address upfront is cheating

Our protagonist, Tessa, is a sweet, studious girl entering her freshman year in college and keeping her high school boyfriend. But, like, all it takes is one glance at a ~mysterious~ hot guy at a frat party and gone are all her morals. Okay, Tessa, we’ve all been there, but just do the right thing and break up with your guy from high school first. And for Christ’s sake, do NOT go hook up with your new man while your boyfriend is visiting! Yes, Hardin (aforementioned mysterious hot guy) also has all sorts of problematic qualities, which I will address later on, but right now I am just focused on Tessa’s cheating and how the movie makes us think it’s okay because she’s just super passionate.

Whether or not you believe “once a cheater, always a cheater,” it should give you pause if someone cheats on their significant other with you and then wants to have a relationship. First of all, wtf ever happened to the rebound period? Second of all, how do you even set boundaries on appropriate behavior with this person? The whole foundation of your relationship is based on them being a cheater so… good luck with that.

Cheating is literally never okay. It isn’t any less awful because you have feelings for the person you did it with (or, in the case of After, want to have a few super-hot, hate-fueled make-out sessions with).

Lying

 

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TAG 5 FRIENDS THAT STILL NEED TO WATCH SIERRA BURGESS IS A LOSER! #sierraburgessisaloser

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I don’t think this should have to be said, but I guess it’s necessary. Sierra Burgess is a Loser might actually be one of the best movies Netflix has ever made (don’t @ me, I said what I said). Nevertheless, the premise of the film is still pretty questionable. In the movie, Sierra Burgess catfishes Jamey, played by none other than Netflix’s resident generically hot guy Noah Centineo, texting him under the guise that she is a hot cheerleader named Veronica (who, conveniently, attends a rival high school, and, of course, is Sierra’s bully). Sierra and Jamey text regularly, and while there’s something to be said for falling for someone’s personality and not their looks, she still catfished him. To make matters worse, Sierra goes so far as to befriend the real Veronica so that she can keep up the act when Jamey inevitably asks to FaceTime.

Naturally, Jamey kisses the real Veronica when he sees her for the first time at a football game. Sierra assumes Veronica is still bullying her by kissing Jamey, whom she is now in love with, and publicly humiliates her during halftime. Uh, no, Sierra, Jamey literally has no idea who you are BECAUSE YOU NEVER TOLD HIM!!! How much easier your life could have been if you had told the truth from the beginning.

These huge lies are the foundation for the plot in so many romcoms, from How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days to Sierra Burgess is a Loser. But obviously—and again, I can’t believe this is something that even needs to be said—this behavior is unacceptable in real life. There’s a reason most of the relationships on Catfish don’t work out, and it’s because (among other things) people generally don’t like being lied to.

Playing Games

Listen, I’m not totally against some innocuous game playing, especially where f*ckboys are concerned. However, when the games become the whole relationship or when the other person isn’t into it, sh*t starts to get messy. And not in a fun Real Housewives way. 

Back to my new favorite movie to hate on, After. The whole reason the male lead, Hardin, even talks to Tessa (and makes her cheat on her boyfriend) is because he bet his friends he could have sex with her and make her fall in love with him, and also he wants to make another girl jealous. She consequently loses her virginity to him, and in the book One Direction fan fiction version of the movie, he SHOWS HIS FRIENDS THE SHEETS. It’s all just f*cked up on so many levels.

Hard pass on using a person to make someone else jealous without their knowledge, using a person to win a misogynistic bet, and an even harder pass on making a person fall in love with you under false pretenses. However, when alllll of this ludicrous behavior is reconciled with a half-assed apology and a hot kiss in the rain, it’s easy to forget just how toxic the behavior is. 

 

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Caption this #Hessa pic using only emojis! #AfterMovie On Digital 6.25 and on Blu-ray 7.9 http://uni.pictures/AfterMovie

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Just because I can recognize these behaviors does not mean I’m not above falling victim to the negative messages these movies send. When I was a 16-year-old, nothing was more romantic to me than Chuck and Blair’s passionate relationship, which I now realize was toxic as hell. Despite what teen movies and shows will tell you, in reality it’s super unlikely that a f*ckboy will change his ways, and constant screaming and fighting is not the same as passion in a relationship.

And, really, I’m not trying to ruin the fun of rom-coms, mainly because I’ll be spending the next few weeks of my life binging them. But, before you start thinking that if Lara Jean and Peter could make it work, maybe your douchebag booty call will finally step up, it’s important to face the facts. 

When we watch movies that romanticize cheating, manipulation, and borderline emotional abuse, we are teaching people that it’s romantic and okay. Because of these movies, instead of seeing the guy that hooked up with another girl while you were supposed to be exclusive as the douchebag he is, we start thinking he needs to (and can) be fixed. And then, of course, we start dreaming of the future relationship we might have with him once we fix him, and at the very least, end up disappointed.

Listen, not every movie can be He’s Just Not That into You (which, despite the name, does not present the healthiest relationship dynamics). But in 2020, I’m kind of thinking we can do better to provide young girls with positive examples of healthy relationships.

Images: Bettina Strauss / Netflix; aftermovie, sierraburgessisaloserig, toalltheboysnetflix / Instagram

This Is What Happens When You Recreate Iconic Scenes From Rom-Coms

Every betch has a fantasy of getting a boyfriend recreating a scene from their favorite romantic movie. For me, it is when Billy Crystal reads out a list of things he loves about Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. Maybe it’s because I’m self-absorbed and narcissistic, but who cares? You can take your judgmental attitude and fuck off. So, after finally getting an experimental guinea pig a boyfriend of my own, I thought, what better use of our time than to recreate the most romantic scenes from my our favorite movies? I actually did act out these romantic comedy scenes, and here’s how much I was judged.

The Song In ‘The Wedding Singer’

What is a more romantic way to express your love for someone than sing a tone-deaf song? My boyfriend decided to change the lyrics of Sandler’s song in The Wedding Singer to confess his love for me in a ~slightly~ unconventional way. My favorite line has to be “thank you for touching my butt and letting me grab your stuff.” I think that pretty much sums up our relationship. I have included an original copy of his masterpiece if anyone is interested in signing him for a record deal. Just DM me.

The verdict: Should you try this? Hell yeah! You’ll either get a romantic song that confirms the fact that your partner recognizes the goddess you are, or you’ll get a good laugh.

‘The Notebook’ Makeout In The Rain

I have to say, this one was a little intimidating. Not only because Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are two gorgeous humans and this is considered to be one of the most iconic kisses in movie history (winning the MTV Best Kiss award in 2005), but because I get cold pretty easily and I find being lifted by my boyfriend in any sort of way ends up being far more complicated and tiresome than it needs to be. Am I the only one who can only think about that extra burrito and ice cream I had the day before while being lifted by a guy instead of the kiss? Nevertheless, we waited until a storm came and outside we went. Other than the fact that it was totally planned, removing any possible romantic element to it, it was kinda cute … until we started to shiver and pneumonia became a serious threat. Although the outside makeout was less than ideal, it did require some warming up after (if you know what I mean) which I am definitely not complaining about.

The Notebook

The verdict: All in all, I’m down for a spontaneous kiss in the rain, but the overwhelming planning (and re-planning due to the inaccuracies in the weather network, ugh) ruined the fun for us. Besides, my roommates definitely did not appreciate that the Atlantic Ocean claimed temporary residence in our front hallway. So I’d say, pass on this one and leave it to the hot celebs in the movies.

The ‘Grease’ Drive-In

So this one was our own artistic twist on Danny and Sandy’s awkward drive-in experience, which left poor Danny stranded. Instead, we drove to the middle of nowhere to watch Ocean’s 8 (which we could have easily seen at the regular theater 10 minutes from my house, but whatevs) and actually had a great time. My boyfriend even tried to pull a Danny and not so subtly put his arm around me to grab my boob (which resulted in some giggles from moi and shushes from the car next to us). Needless to say, he was definitely more successful than Danny was and most other couples in the outdoor theater.

The verdict: Pro betch tip: bring some pillows and blankets to put in the trunk of your car the next time you go, since what people can’t see happening under the covers won’t hurt them. But remember that every sound you make will be heard, so if you can’t do it silently, then don’t do it at all. 

The ‘Lady and the Tramp’ Spaghetti Kiss

I know, I know. How can an animated movie of two dogs be remotely romantic enough for me to want to recreate it? And to that I say, can you ever go wrong with spaghetti? I thought not. This one was super simple. We ended up making dinner together to add to the romance and then enjoyed a few noodles Lady and the Tramp style (if you have been living under a rock, or were born after VHS was no longer in use, shame). All in all, we got a few laughs out of it, but I think we’ll eat our pasta solo from now on.

Lady and the Tramp

The verdict: If you are thinking of trying this one out, I’d say go for it—but in the privacy of your own home. No one needs to gag on their dinner while watching you attempt to deep throat your noodles and your boyfriend’s tongue.

The ‘Spider-Man’ Upside-Down Kiss

Definitely the hardest one on the list to maneuver. Initially I thought that monkey bars in a playground would be ideal for him to hang off of while I stood below him and kissed him, but then I didn’t want to risk being put on the sex offender registry, so I vetoed that one real quick. Since we were at my cottage for the weekend, we decided on him lying at the end of the dock with his head dangling off the side Long Duk Dong style from Sixteen Candles, while I stood in the water (lucky me!). Again, the extensive planning of this one, and the hysterical laughter from my family watching from 10 feet away, completely killed any possible romantic element to it. Also, I may or may not have missed his lips and gone for his nose accidentally. Spider-Man Kiss

The verdict: People are not meant to make out upside down. That’s all I’m gonna say.

All in all, we had a few good laughs and he was forced to spend more time with me. I say it was a win-win for me the both of us.

Images: Author (2); Giphy (3)