Maybe one Monday I’ll wake up and Google Vanderpump Rules like I always do and there will be absolutely nothing new to report, but today is not that day. And I know what you’re thinking… WTF else could be going on out there in that sexy unique restaurant? Stassi and Patrick have already broken up again. Mr. and Mrs. Bubba’s fucked up engagement has turned into an equally as fucked up marriage. Lala is friends with Stassi & Co. How many more storylines can there be?!?!?! Well at least one, because Jax legit came for Scheana and her boyfriend Robert Valletta in the latest issue of Life & Style magazine. Oh shit here we go.
This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone because if Jax doesn’t stir up shit with someone new at least once a season, I think he might physically implode and turn into a fucking Pumptini. And sure, Life & Style isn’t exactly the beacon of factual journalism but this shit came from Jax himself and not some sketchy-ass “source,” so this is about as legit as we’re gonna get. Anyway, Jax went on to say that Scheana was “fresh off of a divorce” and “the ink was barely dry” on her divorce papers. Way harsh, Tai, but not as harsh as the “I have milk with a longer shelf life with that marriage” quote. Classic. He also gave Scheana shit for “flaunting” her relationship on social media which is RICH given that he and his girlfriend have their own show whose whole purpose is flaunting their relationship. SMH.
But how does Brittany feel about this? Wasn’t she just in Atlanta on vacay with Scheana at my favorite bar on the one Saturday I wasn’t fucking there? Yes. Yes she was. And they’re still besties. Brittany even came out saying she disagrees with her fuckboy boyfriend about the whole thing and is just glad Scheana is happy. Bleh, such a nice girl thing to say. So typical. No word on what Scheana thinks about all of this but I’m sure we’ll see her cry about it and play the victim on the upcoming season of VPR.
Even though we all have known for months that Scheana and Shay are getting a divorce, it will still be interesting to watch the drama play out on Vanderpump Rules next season. It will play out on Vanderpump Rules next season, right? Bravo better not let me down. We all knew about how Shay stole all of Scheana’s money (all, what, $600 of it?) and disappeared, but now there’s some more drama to add into the mix: Scheana has a new boyfriend. Didn’t she and Shay just get divorced in like, November? I’m not one to slut shame (lol JK do you know me?) but I think it’s fair to say that Scheana is becoming the Taylor Swift of Vanderpump Rules.
The new guy’s name is Robert Parks Valletta, and before I even Google him I know already that he’s not to be trusted since he has three names. According to his IMDB page, this guy is actually an actor and director who’s apparently known for Hawaii Five-0, The Young and the Restless, and Days of our Lives. So he’s basically Joey Tribbiani. To his credit, both Jax and Ariana seem to like him, which either means that he’s a genuinely cool guy or that Jax and Ariana are too afraid to talk shit about Scheana’s new boyfriend someone who’s definitely more famous than them. Ariana also said he has “high emotional intelligence,” which means she’s been watching way too much of this past season of The Bachelor.
Scheana made her relationship Instagram official over the weekend, which we’ll pretend is a really big deal. She uploaded a picture of her and Robert (Rob? Robby? Bob? R-Dog?) at the Power Rangers premiere. The caption was super lame, with just his Insta handle tagged and the hashtag #ItsMorphinTime.
R-Dog, on the other hand, Instagrammed a group photo with himself, Scheana, Tom, and Ariana, with the following caption:
Translation: I’m trying way too hard to be accepted into this friend group and I hope Bravo will give me some screen time on the next season of Vanderpump Rules.
