It’s Presidents Day, which calls for a very special broast of our one, the only,
Supreme Leader President Donald J. Trump. For the first time since Ronald Reagan, we finally have a real bro in the White House. Let’s take a look at everything The Donald has done right.
Probably the most important key to Donald’s bro identity is his hair. There’s something so intriguing about a guy with a silky flow, and The Donald’s windswept look is fucking legendary. There are rumors going around that he uses drugs to make his hair grow, but that’s obviously just fake news. Sad! Also worth admiring is his tan—it’s so natural looking. Obama may have been the first black president, but the true testiment to how far we as a nation have come in achieving a post-racial society is the fact that we elected an orange-skinned president.
Dude is also a fucking wordsmith. Like, his speeches use sentence structures so complex they haven’t even been invented yet. Just wait, 100 years from now this shit will be the new Shakespeare, bigly. Donny is known for not using a teleprompter, which is super impressive considering his speeches are always so concise and logical.
A crucial part of Trump’s whole image is the hot wife. Donald is on hot wife #3, which is honestly a modest number for a guy like him. Ideally, he would be on wife 6 or 7, but somehow he’s stayed with Melania into her mid-40s, which is probably very tough for him. Somewhere in central Europe, there’s probably a support group for aging models who really thought they would be married to Donald Trump by now.
Speaking of groups, every bro also has to have a solid crew, and Trump’s crew is next level. You’ve got pantydroppers like Mike Pence, Sean Spicer, and especially Steve Bannon—I just love a man who doubts my own humanity. Donald also hangs out with cool girls like Kellyanne Conway—every bro needs a hot blonde friend who may or may not have a meth hookup.
Trump is a true SAB with a capital S. Know how when your fuck buddy tries to tell you he stayed in last night when you physically saw him making out with another girl at the bar only makes you want him more? Exactly.
The best part about Trump is that if you hang out with him for long enough, he’ll give you a cool nickname, like “Lyin’ Ted Cruz,” or “Little Marco Rubio.” If you’re tryna chill with Donald, you can likely find him having important policy meetings with a foreign leader on an unsecure phone line and thinking of fun, inventive ways to restrict your rights.
Happy Presidents Day, Donald. We can’t wait to see what the next four years bring.