Hello, fellow twentysomethings who like to watch teens make out on screen! We’ve made it to the Riverdale finale, and I am hopped up on Jingle Jangle and ready to go! I know I’m not your regular recapper, but I’ll try my best to do It’s Britney, Betch proud—and if I don’t, please rest assured that I will hear about it if she ever answers my texts.
When I first found out I would be taking over the Riverdale finale recap this week, I started making notes in my journal of the things I wanted to keep track of. I have my fingers crossed for a season high count of the phrase “Make my bones.” Archie, don’t let me down, you adorable idiot! Shall we get started?
The Riverdale finale opens with Betty, Archie, and Veronica at Jughead’s grave. The girls are in chic black, Archie is, of course, in his very appropriate letterman jacket. His friend may be dead, but did you know he is on varsity wrestling, god dammit? Betty is sobbing and asking Jughead to come back to her—this is definitely not real, right?
Psych! That was all in Jughead’s dream. Riverdale’s got jokes, y’all. Jughead wakes up in the hospital alive, but wishing that the name Forsythe Pendleton Jones, Jr. was a dream. The OG FP is in his room and drops some bombs. Fangs is alive! The Serpents are over! The trailer park burned down! How long was Jughead knocked out for? FP really buried the lede, though, because oh YEAH Betty’s dad is the Black Hood! Guys, if we collect all the Black Hoods by the end of this episode, do we get a prize?
Betty and her tight ponytail come to visit Jughead and his rearranged face at the hospital. He comforts her about her dad being the Black Hood and then immediately follows with “So I guess we won’t be running for student council anymore, huh?” I guess it was too much to expect a boy named Jughead to be sensitive for too long.
Cut to Veronica at Fred’s house, where she is literally planning the rest of his campaign. Freddie, if you’ve resorted to trusting your teenage son’s first sexual partner with your Mayoral campaign, I think it might already be too late for you. Veronica announces she isn’t running for student council president either. BUT THEN WHO WILL RUN THIS SCHOOL INTO THE GROUND? Oh, we still have Archie. Blessings.
OMG Cheryl just discovered a secret barn meeting! Mr. Kelly Ripa is having a covert discussion with Penelope and Claudius. Obviously they’re up to something, and for once it isn’t Mrs. Blossom banging her friend’s dad.
Archie goes to the police station to identify the Black Hood. They show him that it’s Hal Cooper in there, and ask him to identify the man. Archie says it is Hal Cooper. They put a black hood on him. Archie says it’s the Black Hood. IS ANYONE ELSE SEEING A PROBLEM WITH THIS IDENTIFICATION PROCESS? Archie also tries to tell the Sheriff there is another Black Hood out there.
Archie: But there’s someone else out there murderin—
Sheriff Minetta:
Betty goes to Archie’s house to apologize to Fred. She says she is supposed to be a great detective and really let everyone down. Huh? I must have missed the episode where she got sworn in. I hope she wasn’t thinking she was going to get the cruiser, though. Kevin’s dad will let her have it when she pries it out of his cold dead hands.
Kevin happens upon Moose crying in the bathroom. Moose is sad because Midge’s stuffed animals in her locker are gone because of the rioting. Stuffed animals? Honestly how did Midge not get the shit beat out of her at school before this whole murder thing? Yeah, I did just say that about a dead girl. Get over it. Moose and Kevin have a hot makeout sesh in the men’s room. Not totally sanitary, but I guess better than those murder forest escapades.
Cheryl warns Veronica that her dad is in cahoots with Penelope and Claudius.
Veronica confronts her dad, Mr. Kelly Ripa. He says he just wants to get into the maple syrup trade. God, Hiram! Don’t you know “Maple Syrup” is code for drugs??!
FP got fired from Pop’s and is lying around his trailer of impenetrable plastic that could not be burned down, looking drunk and broodingly handsome. He tells Jug they are moving to Toledo. FP, I speak for everyone when I say we would all literally rather get beaten to death by ghoulies than move to Toledo.
Sheriff Minetta calls Archie back and says he made it his mission to find the second Black Hood. Oh really? Because your eyes glazed over more than my boyfriend’s when I just want to talk about my commute in excruciating detail, but okay. He says the second Black Hood was Tall Boy and they killed him in a fire fight. Well, that was an anticlimactic reveal. They really know how to deliver in a finale, huh?! All the action off screen! That’s the way to do it.
Polly is visiting her family with her babies, Poison Oak and Acorn. Polly thinks they need to visit Hal and forgive him for murdering their friends, wreaking havoc on their town, and never revealing that they were actually related to the Blossoms until his daughter was pregnant with their inbred spawn.
Alice: Yes maybe let’s see Hal so I can give him a piece of my mind
Inner Alice:
Hermione tells Veronica that Mr. Kelly Ripa is responsible for the school shooting and that he just needs control of The White Wyrm and he’ll be able to complete his plan.
Mrs. Blossom is incredibly offended when she finds out the daughter she sent to a mental institution for being gay doesn’t want her to be her guardian anymore, but she does warn Cheryl about the raid on The White Worm.
The Serpents abandon worm and head over the Fred’s for some bacon and pancakes. Then those crazy teens head over to the school in Serpent jackets as a show of support for the Southsiders, who are getting transferred to another school. Oh look, someone managed to surgically remove Archie’s varsity jacket! It was a long and difficult procedure, but in the end, the doctors deemed it a success. It will be published in many medical journals. Archie now wears a serpent jacket and is looking *almost* as fine as FP.
Veronica hatches a plan to stop her dad from getting the White Wyrm. She buys the bar out from under him, but is willing to trade if Mr. Ripa will give her Pop’s. He trades her, but in the meantime she gives up all her inheritance, her stake in Lodge Industries, and her dignity. All so her friends can drink milkshakes! This is why teenagers should not be allowed to do business. Their brains aren’t fully formed yet.
Betty and Jughead are hanging out with Polly’s twins, and Betty is wondering if evil can be passed on. Frankly, I think these twins might have a little more to worry about including webbed toes, genetic diseases, and possibly a clubfoot. Jug says she isn’t evil. Honestly, Betty, your obsession with this darkness is starting to obsess me. A black wig and some kinky lingerie does not a murderer make.
Bless our bored souls, we have finally reached voting day! Archie wins. How shocking and surprising that the handsome idiot beat out the overweight girl! Rest assured the status quo is restored. The Southside students also get to stay. Cool. Name a more pointless plot line, I’ll wait.
Betty goes to visit Hal at the prison. What kind of prison is this with the full glass wall? Olivia Benson never got one of these. Betty says goodbye to her dad and to darkness her old friend.
The Serpents are celebrating with a junkyard fire. FP passes his torch on to Jug. His first order of business is to bestow a gorgeous red serpent jacket on my queen, Cheryl Blossom.
YASSSSSS
The phone rings at Fred’s party. He finds out he lost the race to Hermione, and then she shows up to give her condolences.
All of a sudden, we cut to Archie sitting in Mr. Ripa’s study. He snuck up the servant’s quarters like the peasant he is. Archie tries to intimidate Hiram with a very tiny blade. The same one I used to cut up my banana last night, I believe. Archie tells Hiram he knows everything and that he is coming for him and will MAKE HIS BONES ONCE AND FOR ALL!! TBH I’m very let down he only said it once this episode. For that reason alone, he did not make his bones with me. Then, instead of ya know, killing the evil dude ruining his life, Archie dramatically stabs his pocketknife into Hiram’s table and storms out.
So basically it went about how all Archie’s plans go:
The gang meets at Pop’s, pleased with how they managed to save it. Do those milkshakes taste like a million bucks, V? Literally?
Hiram walks into a secret meeting. He has assembled a crack team of evil morons, consisting of the middle-aged town prostitute, the identical twin of a dead drug dealer, a ghoulie in a studded jacket from Zara, an ex-Serpent lawyer, and the new sheriff that rode there on his bike. He says his plan is in motion, but Penelope is just pissed because she wants her brothel now. GOD MOM! Can’t you just wait a few minutes to sell your body?
Alice and Polly are sitting at the kitchen table talking about visiting Hal again. Polly suggests that she have someone from her farm come talk to Alice and help her get over all this. Is it just me, or is that a very culty vibe Polly is giving off? I mean, if anyone in that family got the darkness, I would think it’d be in the daughter that banged her cousin.
Betty and Jughead are in bed together. Jughead asks Betty to be his Serpent queen. Can you possibly think of anything more romantic?
We’ve finally made it to the school for Archie’s swearing in, and my tummy hurts and I don’t think it’s from the jingle jangle. Something very bad is about to happen. As Josie sings, the new sheriff saunters on in straight from the passenger seat of his mother’s Toyota. He’s headed right for Archie and tells him he’s under arrest for the murder of some dude named Cassidy aka the guy that tried to rob them at the cabin! Mr. Ripa stands there looking at Archie menacingly as the sheriff drags him out. I bet you wished you hadn’t just used that knife on the table now, huh Archie? THE END.
WOW! What a nothingburger of a finale! See you all back in the fall when we will find out if Archie will go to prison, if those milkshakes really were worth a million dollars, and if Cheryl’s mom will finally get the brothel she deserves.
Images: The CW (3); Giphy (4)
Well, fam, we’re in the home stretch! We’ve survived yet another episode of Riverdale. A large contingent of sinners have been murdered and we’ve identified yet another Black Hood. I’m still hopeful the final Black Hood will murder Hiram Lodge and we can be done with his fucking stupid plot line and the Kelly Ripa bribery money funding it. Anyways, shall we get started?
The episode opens with Cheryl in deep shit. Like, The-Black-Hood-is-at-her-front-door deep shit. He breaks down the door and tries to do what I’ve only ever dreamt of doing to my exes: taking an axe to everything Cheryl knows and loves. So sweet.
Cheryl somehow manages to escape, change her outfit, grab a spare cape, and get out her archery kit in the time it takes for The Black Hood to walk down one flight of stairs. Normally, I’d rip a plotline like this to shreds, but since Cheryl is the one I’m supposed to suspend reality for I’ll accept it. Carry on.
Okay, but what are the rules of this town? A minor is brought into a hospital with a gunshot wound and they tell him to take a number?? Is the governor of New York aware of what’s going on in this godforsaken town?
Cheryl sets out to hunt down The Black Hood BY FOOT armed with only her bow and arrow. Lol k. Like, just because you took one archery class doesn’t make you a fucking expert, Cheryl.
CHERYL: I’m going to track down The Black Hood with nothing but this bow and arrow and the blood dripping from his wound.
BETTY: You’re insane.
CHERYL:
Meanwhile, riots are breaking out into the streets of Riverdale. It’s like a scene out of The Purge except the sheriff is more concerned about harassing the family of a gunshot victim than taking back his town. Sure.
As if shit couldn’t get any wilder, Hermione decides to put a bounty on The Black Hood’s head. One million dollars goes to anyone who can catch him dead or alive. Because why trust law enforcement and high school juniors to handle catching a serial killer?
Sweet Pea and Archie get into it at the high school. Sweet Pea is convinced Reggie shot Fangs even though Midge’s mom already confessed to it. He’s like “you’ve taken my home and my friends and all my human rights so I’m going to burn down the thing you hold closest to your heart: this high school.”
SWEET PEA: I’m burning this mother down!!!
ARCHIE:
Okay Sweet Pea, I think you’re overestimating how much anyone likes high school. I mean I know we’re talking about Archie here, a guy who literally showers in his letterman jacket, but come on.
Betty gets a call from FP saying that her dad is in the hospital. So I guess this means he is The Black Hood? It’s very confusing tbh but there’s a fan theory floating around out in the world that Hal could be a twin and the twin could be The Black Hood, which is funny because I didn’t realize The CW had hired Marlene King to come in and write away all their plot holes.
Lol why does The Ghoulies’ gang leader look like Bella Thorne’s boyfriend?
Seriously. It’s fucking uncanny.
The Ghoulies show up at Pop’s looking to start some shit. Poor Pop. Why is his chocolate shoppe always the start of a gang war? Archie comes up with the brilliant idea of throwing FLAMING LIQUOR BOTTLES out into the crowd full of minors. He’s reallyyy banking on his dad winning the mayoral race, huh? That’s the only way I can see a death by flamethrower as publicly accepted in this town.
Speaking of Fred, he shows up with Sheriff Keller and FP. Their presence is somehow more intimidating than Archie’s homemade firebombs and The Ghoulies scatter. The fact that Sheriff Keller didn’t lose his shirt even ONCE in this scene feels like a missed opportunity, tbh.
KEVIN: Hot Riverdale dads to the rescue
Well said, Kev. Well said.
Also, I pride myself on having watched every single second of Law & Order: SVU to ever be aired so I know that when a cop gets fired they have to give up their badge and gun immediately, and yet, somehow Sheriff Keller gets to keep the cruiser? “You can keep the car sir, but I’ll need that little star you wear on your shirt.” What is the new sheriff driving? Is he catching a ride in with his mom? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Elsewhere, Veronica tries to convince her mother that her dad’s a fucking psycho. She found out that he’s planning on leaking some damning photos that prove Hermione and Fred had an affair last year. I guess he thinks that the town will blame Fred and not Hermione for the affair but, like, does he realize how sexist America is?? As if a mistress has ever come out on top after a sex scandal. Please, Stormy Daniels isn’t the one who’s President right now.
Betty shows up at the hospital but Hal/The Black Hood has already killed the doctor. Somehow he has the landline number for the hospital and calls Betty from her random location in said hospital and tells her to come home or he’ll kill Alice.
HAL/MAYBE THE BLACK HOOD: We’re all gonna sit down and watch some home movies
BETTY: See what I mean he’s a fucking psychopath!!
Hal shows them an old family movie, which is not only creepy and disturbing but also seems to fill every single plot hole The CW has been trying and failing to write themselves out of all season. It’s v v convenient. Apparently, Grandpappy Cooper was the original Black Hood who murdered the Conway family way back when and now Hal is following in his father’s footsteps to take out all of the sinners in town. Tbh I think I’m more shooketh that Hal is supposedly short for Harold.
Cut to Archie’s house where there’s ANOTHER Black Hood. I’m not sure what’s going on here but there better not be a goddamn twin twist or so help me…
Elsewhere, Jughead tries to rescue Toni from Penny Peabody. If you’ll recall Jughead went all Fight Club on her ass when he mutilated her before banishing her from town. He looks visibly shocked that she’s still holding on to that grudge.
PENNY: I told you I’d be back
JUGHEAD:
Cheryl and her bow and arrow show up as Jughead’s back up for the fight. Jesus. They’re really running with this Katniss Everdeen vibe, aren’t they? Like, where does one even buy real arrows like that?
Meanwhile, Small Fries shows up looking for the Lodges and he ain’t so small. What a clever play on words, Mr. Fries.
Back at the Cooper household, Hal is still trying to explain why he’s into murder. He says that he went after Fred because Fred is an adulterer. Alice is just like “k but didn’t you cheat on me with Mrs. Blossom? A known prostitute?”
HAL:
ME:
Lol this is the epitome of white male hypocrisy. I can’t.
Alice is trying to distract Hal and tells him about her affair with FP. She’s just is like “well I stepped out with FP and he’s a real man in every way that counts.” Okay, first of all, DETAILS, ALICE, DETAILS. Seriously, I need some sort of flashback scene here because I’ve been waiting two goddamn seasons to see FP shirtless.
Jughead realizes that Hiram is the mastermind behind the riots. He couldn’t buy out The Serpents so he’s trying to…kill them? Honestly, it’s not airtight but I’ve given up trying to understand the motives that drive these losers.
Jughead decides that he’s going to sacrifice himself to Penny so she doesn’t start a war with The Serpents. Great plan, Jughead! Literally nothing could go wrong! Side note: if The Ghoulies don’t kill Jughead, a string bean of a teenage boy, do they really even deserve to be called a gang? Hmm?
Not but one scene later FP and the gang find Jughead all bloodied up on the field. I’m not even going to give The CW the satisfaction of freaking out because I know for a fact they aren’t going to kill off the only reason half of us even watch this show. Plus, Lili and Cole just went public with their IRL relationship and there’s no way in hell The CW isn’t going to use that to their advantage. Please.
Images: The CW (2); Giphy (6)
April is finally almost over, and we are legit excited. No, not for actually nice weather or “spending time with friends.” April ending means it’s finally time for Netflix to drop its May selection, and, tbh, the new lineup is lit. From tearjerkers to comedies, we can’t wait to ignore the sunshine and blow off nights out for some serious binges. Here’s our roundup of the best shows and movies that Netflix is #blessing us with this May.
1. ‘John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous Live at Radio City’
Okay, not to, like, brag or anything, but I was at this taping and it was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. You may have caught John Mulaney on his recent turn as SNL host, which spawned the iconic Diner Lobster, but this is even funnier. Mulaney, a former head writer for SNL and the king of Netflix standup, is perfect for those nights when you just need a pick-me-up or want to showcase how ~cool and into comedy~ you are.
2. ‘Dear White People’ Volume 2
Come for the humor and stay for the social commentary. Dear White People volume 1 had us laughing, crying, and gasping at all of the drama. This is def a series that you can binge and feel good about, because you’re #educating yourself. But also, it’s just really really good.
3. ‘Riverdale’ Season 2
You know what? I’m not even gonna be a Riverdale apologist. Riverdale is the best television show of our generation, and, if you don’t believe me, read our recaps. This show has everything: murder, really dramatic lipstick, a musical?, and teenagers that are like, incredibly unsupervised but also pretty stupid. It’s the perfect television show, and I won’t budge on this.
4. ‘Mamma Mia!’
Our Lord and Savior Meryl Streep has ordained that her overalls may grace our laptop screens, and I’m literally so excited. Does Mamma Mia! have a plot? Like, kinda? Can Colin Firth sing? He tried, and that’s what matters. Will I still be cry laughing as Meryl Streep has an absolutely preposterous wedding set to ABBA music that’s just, like, shoehorned in there? Abso-fucking-lutely. Also, a great way to pregame for Mamma Mia 2, which is hitting theaters July 20.
5. ‘Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt’ Season 4
This show is absolutely bonkers, and I can only hope Tina Fey read any one of my 200 tweets in the past year so that Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt season 4 does not disappoint like season 3 did. Since UKS is a Netflix original, it’s like a very rare shooting star, in the sense that it only releases one season once a year. What is frustrating about this is the season is usually very good, funny, and has lots of thoughtful takes on the residual effects of trauma and womanhood. Tina Fey, you sly fox. Also, if you haven’t watched Peeno Noir, what are you even doing with your life?
6. ‘The 40-Year-Old Virgin’
A biting documentary on the effects of toxic masculinity in today’s world—no, just kidding, this is a fun and raunchy sex comedy from Judd Apatow and Steve Carell. Carell plays a 40-year-old man, who, you guessed it, is a virgin. But there’s a whole lot of heart and laughs under this…interesting premise. It’s perfect for a movie night with the girls and guys.
7. ‘Coco’
Just thinking about this movie makes me cry a little. Once that Pixar logo comes on, you know you’re fucked. But this little story on the Mexican Day of the Dead, clocking in at only 90 minutes, is jam packed with lovely music, beautiful animation, and the ~magic of family and tradition~. If you’re in need of a cathartic cry, or a snuggly night in, pull up a blanket, grab some tissues, and get ready to belt out hum “Remember Me.”
8. ‘Scandal’ Season 7
It’s hard to believe that we once lived in a world without Scandal, but it’s sadly finally come to an end. With 15 episodes, just accept now that you will say, “just one episode!” and lose your entire weekend to this final season. We honestly can’t keep up with all of the twists and turns, but we can guarantee that Olivia Pope will look into the distance, contemplating the intricate and fucked-up power dynamics of politics, and Kerry Washington’s coats will only get more powerful.
9. ‘Ibiza’
This Netflix original comedy looks lit. Starring Gillian Jacobs, Vanessa Bayer, and Phoebe Robinson as three best friends who head to Ibiza for a “business trip,” they meet a hot DJ and have their lives forever changed. It looks like it’ll be the perfect girls night in movie. Pop some cheap wine and get ready to laugh.
10. ‘High School Musical 3: Senior Year’
Obvi, I had to leave the best for last. The final movie in the series, High Musical 3: Senior Year has everything that made us love HSM so much. Zac Efron roaming the halls of his high school screaming? Check. Sharpay getting absolutely shafted, but still tossing off iconic lines like it’s nothing? Big check. A strange subplot about underclassmen trying to steal their identities? Yup, naturally. Why does Gabriella start college literally a month before high school ends? I don’t fucking know, but she does set an important precedent: always choose Stanford over the fuckboy. Of course, it closes out with them singing We’re All In This Together in graduation robes, because, guys, we are all in this together. And by that, I mean that we will all be streaming this an embarrassing amount of times.
Images: Giphy (5); Unsplash (1)
Hello, fam, and welcome back to another exciting episode of Riverdale! I almost didn’t even tune in this week for fear that The CW would try and turn this episode into part two of that musical abomination they dared air last Wednesday. Literally the only good thing that came out of the last episode was Cheryl doing the Lord’s work dousing herself in pig’s blood and threatening her mother. Bless. Anyway, here’s hoping the singing is over with forever!
Andddd I spoke too soon. The episode opens at Midge’s funeral where Cheryl, a girl whose nicest words to the deceased were “you have the vocabulary of a baked potato”, has showed up in a black River Vixen’s uniform and is using the grave site as her own personal stage for her American Idol audition. This scene is not at all making Midge turn over in her grave. Not at all.
Lol Sheriff Keller trying to get to the bottom of this musical is me. He starts interrogating all of the kids and seems genuinely confused that a) there was a musical in the first place and that b) someone would want to document it for posterity. THANK YOU, SHERIFF.
SHERIFF KELLER: But why did you have the camera?
JUGHEAD: To document the musical.
SHERIFF KELLER:
Cheryl starts openly threatening the Sheriff at the funeral, because that feels appropriate to do in front of the dead girl’s grieving mother. I’d say Cheryl has no tact, but Cheryl can do no wrong. The end.
Jughead thinks Chic might be a copycat Black Hood killer and it’s the smartest idea he’s had all season. That said, his second smartest idea involved dramatically chaining himself to a statue, so, he didn’t start off strong to begin with.
Meanwhile, Archie keeps insisting that the janitor is not The Black Hood because “his eyes aren’t the same.” Cool, cool. They only shot a man dead because you said he was definitely The Black Hood, but whatevs.
We’re back to the Quiet Sisters of Mercy. Is it just me or does that whole place feel like the next season setting for American Horror Story? Jughead and Betty want to find out if Chic ever crossed paths with Mr. Svenson aka The Black Hood aka a probably innocent man in his time with the sisters.
OH SHIT. Chic is not Charles aka Alice’s long lost child. I mean, this plotline is straight out of my favorite Lifetime movie, so it’s not super original, but I still applaud the CW’s effort.
Archie starts actively seeking out The Black Hood because he has the survival instincts of a twig. He’s like the equivalent of the girl in horror movies who shows her tits and then ends up dead 10 minutes in. Tbh it’s beyond his time. This can’t end well for you, buddy!
Speaking of which, two guys jump out and grab him. If only he’d brought his hooded, shirtless entourage. Then it would truly be a fair fight.
Back at the Coopers’ house, Jughead and Betty confront Chic about not being Charles. Betty looks like she’s two seconds away from putting on her wig and taking this shit to the hot tub for answers.
JUGHEAD: Shut your mouth, you impostor!
BETTY:
ALSO BETTY: ….yeah lemme handle this one.
Ah ha! So Nick Sin “Psycho” (clever, V) is the guy in black following Archie around. He’s got Archie tied up and wants a million dollars or else he’s going to beat the shit out of Archie. Tbh it might do the boy some good. By all means, Nick, carry on.
Nick tries to ransom the Lodges for Archie’s life. Little does he know that Archie is about as useful to Hiram as my Metro card is to me getting to work on time.
VERONICA: Daddy it’s Archie! We have to pay them!
HIRAM: Lol
Cheryl decides to write a think piece on how shitty of a job Sheriff Keller is doing. Tbh this feels like a missed opportunity, because no one has written a think piece on Sheriff Keller’s abs, and that’s the real story here. Kevin is just like “you’re smearing my dad’s good name!” to which Cheryl laughs in his fucking face. Honestly, she’s not wrong. Sheriff Keller literally closed multiple murder cases based on the findings published in a high school newspaper. Please.
Back at the Cooper house, they’ve turned family dinner night into a hostage situation. And it’s like, have these people never heard of Taco Tuesday before?? Jesus. Just once I’d like to see this family do something fucking normal at the dinner table.
Veronica tries to pay off Nick without her Daddy’s black card. Lol let me know how that works out for you, girl. Oh shit, Nick wants Veronica to repay him with her vagina. That’s so fucking twisted and gross. I hope she brings Cheryl and the pig’s blood on their date and the three of them have a time.
Alice confronts FP about their past and Y’ALL THE PROM BABY IS FP’S. OH MY FUCKING GOD. You know how people who exercise get some sort of euphoric high after working out for a while? That’s how I feel after I’ve been proven right about a plot twist in a TV show popular among 13-year-olds.
And as if we needed any other evidence that The Black Hood is back, Betty’s phone goes off with that creepy AF ringtone. He’s convinced that Chic murdered her real brother and he wants her to deliver the sinner to him. Quick q tho, does he not consider Dark Betty sinful? Like, what constitutes as kill-worthy sins? Because this girl has stripped in front of an entire bar filled with old bikers, lived a double life on a webcam, and just genuinely enjoys playing in a good crime scene, but she’s cool with you? K.
Okay, I’m finding it v hard to believe Veronica is actually going to sleep with this scum bag. There’s no way in hell. She’s gotta have something up her sleeve here.
Archie escapes from his binds and it’s actually unbelievable. Seriously. I’d like to see the playback on this scene please. He races off to save Veronica, but she’s already saved herself by roofing Nick. Already. Saved. Herself. That’s beautiful, CW.
Meanwhile, Hal is not down to cover up murders. It’s like he doesn’t even realize that murder is the Coopers’ favorite form of foreplay? No wonder their marriage was so shitty. It’s like he doesn’t get Alice at all!
Betty decides to hand over Chic to The Black Hood because what 16-year-old girl doesn’t have a serial killer as a booty call? Ugh. If only my exes were as nice as hers.
The episode ends with Archie confronting Hiram about the fact that he wouldn’t pay his ransom. He’s like “don’t worry about it, I know I have to kill someone first before you’ll care about me!”
ME:
Remember when Archie just wanted to be a musician? And not a hit man? Those were simpler times. Well, here’s to another week of suspending reality for the sake of The CW’s ratings. See you betches next week!!
Images: Giphy (5); The CW (4)
Well, fam, I’m back to recapping this godforsaken show. Lol I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me. For those of you who dragged me for not recapping the last episode in the comments of my last Riverdale-related article, just know that I had better things to do that night. I hope that answer was as satisfying for you as it was for me. Anyway, if you, like me, had other shit going on THREE WEEKS AGO when The CW last tried to actually air an episode for once in their goddamn lives, here is what you missed: Cheryl got rescued from the conversion camp and made out with Toni in the process. Archie is a fucking idiot who thinks he has an actual career as one of Hiram’s thugs. I’m glad he dreams big. In an interesting twist of events, the Serpents hate Betty even though she gave up her virginity for their cause. Also, Alice and FP might have banged. I’m sure some other shit happened, but like I said, it’s been three fucking weeks since the last episode aired so forgive me if my memory is a little foggy. Shall we move on to this episode?
Oh god. Oh god NO. Is this whole fucking episode going to be polluted with musical numbers?? Lord, Jesus, fix it.
RIVERDALE WRITERS: You know what will get us a third season? A musical episode!
ME: But I’m a good fucking person!
All I have to say is if I’m expected to sit through an entire hour of jazz hands and poorly written lyrics on teen angst, then Alice and FP better have banged or I’m storming The CW headquarters. That’s all I’m saying.
So I’m two seconds into this episode and they’ve sung the word “crap” three times too many. Jesus, this is going to be a long fucking night.
Is it just me or does Archie sound like the kid from The Goofy Movie when he sings?
^^ A deleted scene from the Andrews’ house
LOL they cast Alice as an actual part in a high school musical. I love how the adults on this show don’t have those pesky little things called jobs that they have to go to every day to, like, support their kids and their crop top addictions.
Kevin, who is supposedly in charge of this abomination, casts Betty to play the good girl, Veronica to play the mean girl, and Cheryl to play batshit crazy Carrie. So, like, he went with a pretty literal interpretation of the characters in Carrie, huh?
Cheryl almost gets taken out by a sandbag during an unnecessary musical number, and all I can think is “did I move that sandbag with my mind??” It’s highly plausible, as right now I’m wishing bodily harm onto every single one of these people, including my beloved Cheryl, for making me sit through this shit.
Kevin finds a note from The Black Hood demanding he recast the role of Carrie with anyone but Cheryl. Who knew The Black Hood would be this invested in the politics of a high school musical production? Meanwhile, everyone is acting shook that The Black Hood could possibly be back. They forget the crime was solved by Betty and Archie so it had a 30/80 success rate to begin with.
Okay, are Alice and FP just not going to talk about how they totally banged?? The fact that FP is straight-up ignoring Alice after their little night together is the most realistic thing I’ve seen on this entire show. Also, FP, you can call me.
Veronica goes through an entire musical number about being a bitch whilst grinding on Chuck on stage left. How can this possibly be school sanctioned? HOW.
Okay, Archie is a fucking terrible son. Fred finally finds out that Hiram bought Archie a v expensive car in exchange for his loyalty? Banging his daughter? Throwing shitty comebacks at his enemies? Tbh it’s hard to say why he deserved that car, but Fred is PISSED.
FRED: I wanted to take you to the junkyard, pick out a car, and fix it up with you. Wouldn’t that have been beautiful?
ARCHIE:
Mrs. Blossom refuses to sign Cheryl’s permission form to be in the musical so she can no longer be Carrie and I can no longer have nice things. So they need a signed permission slip to join the school musical yet Archie can form a gang called THE RED CIRCLE and film a homoerotic video on school campus? K.
Toni runs after Cheryl to give her a pep talk about how she hasn’t gone soft and she’s still a murderous bitch. Respect.
CHERYL: I’m not the same girl anymore who burned down Thorne Hill and cut off my mom’s oxygen.
ME: YES YOU ARE BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
Meanwhile, during Alice’s solo because, yes, they gave the mother of a student her own fucking solo, she starts having a literal mental breakdown on stage. Think Britney right before she shaved her head. Alice keeps talking about how everyone always leaves her and she can’t even get a text back from FP. Meanwhile, Betty is looking like she’s about to call CPS on herself over the whole thing. It’s the best thing I’ve seen in my entire damn life.
KEVIN: Am I directing a train wreck?
I literally could not have said it better myself, Kev.
Archie admits he’s been fucking up a lot this year. I can already tell he’s going to use that “dark path” bit for his college essay next fall. Sooo original. He goes to confront Hiram about getting in the way of his relationship with his dad. He’s like “don’t try me because that’s a battle you’ll lose” and I’m like “lol remember yesterday when you told your dad you’d rather support MR. LODGE than YOUR OWN FATHER in the mayoral race?”
Ugh are Alice and Hal about to get back together? Why? Just because FP blows her off once? No, no, no, no, no, Alice. You call FP about 100 more times until he loses the will to live. We must persist, girlfriend.
CHIC ISN’T HAL’S KID. I don’t know why I put that in all caps because that fact has been pretty damn clear since day one. But also now I need to know who the father of the prom baby really is. Like, ASAP.
It’s opening night and they’re all singing “this will be a night you’ll never forget” which I 1,000 percent agree with because I certainly will never forget how The CW has tortured me for the past 42 minutes with this American Idol-esq farce they call a musical episode.
We cut to Cheryl, who looks like she is ready to set the entire world aflame. *turns up volume* GIRL, YOU CAN GET IT. Omfg. Homegirl just confronted her mother IN PIG’S BLOOD and threatened to burn down another house. I’m definitely keeping this strategy in mind for the next time my mom bitches about helping me pay paying for my gym membership.
CHERYL: *does something batshit and diabolical*
ME:
Jughead, who up until this point in the episode has been standing there like a dipshit with his camera, figures out that Ethel might be the person behind The Black Hood letters. That’s right, I said “might be” as in he’s actually discovered nothing. Seriously, Jughead, what is your purpose during this episode?
Chic shows up and is just as creepy and terrifying as I remembered him. Why do I feel like this night is going to end with another murder moment of morbid family bonding for the Cooper family?
The episode ends with the play finally fucking starting. It’s like The CW wants to drag this shit out for as long as possible, and also for me to get drunk. Because that’s the only way I’ll be able to sit through another goddamn musical episode.
Wait. OMFG. Is Midge aka the new Carrie knifed to the fucking stage??
Well, that is not how I saw this production ending, but it certainly was a dramatic as it was advertised. I admire Kevin’s dedication to his craft. Brava!
Images: Giphy (4); @madelame /Instagram (1); The CW (3)
I’d like to start this Riverdale recap off by saying that some sort of miracle took place in my living room last night, because somehow I was able to stream this shit during a snowstorm with my shoddy internet service. Normally, if it rains in Alaska then I have to bum my internet off the cafe next door for a few days until Optimum decides they want to fix the outage. So count your fucking blessings that this Riverdale recap is even happening. K. Moving on.
The episode starts with Betty confronting Chic about the DNA test and, as it turns out, CHIC IS THE PROM BABY. He’s just not a Blossom aka Hal’s kid. Sooo he’s definitely FP’s child, right? Not only does this information make Jughead and Betty’s relationship, like, icky, but it also brings me one step closer to confirming my theory that Jughead and Betty are semi-siblings and that Chic might be the real Black Hood. I honestly haven’t felt this smug since I correctly identified the killer before the BAU did on Criminal Minds.
Chic just did that smirk thing that any child who just fucked over their older sibling and got away with it makes. Tbh that’s the clearest indicator that he’s actually related to Betty.
Lol Jughead is going on a hunger strike. I like that no one, not even his extra AF friends, are going to support him on this one. Also, I don’t think he quite understands how a hunger strike works? Like, he’s not even advertising it. When I start a diet, my roommates, entire family, coworkers, and every stranger I run into on the street knows about it by lunchtime. Just saying.
Everyone is up Veronica’s asshole about whether she knew of the prison plan and it’s like, OF COURSE she knew. What, have you been living under a rock for the past two seasons? There’s nothing that goes on in the Lodge household that V and her eyebrows don’t know about.
What happens next is the most beautiful display of girl-on-girl warfare to happen on my screen since Cady Heron introduced the Kalteen bar to Regina George. Ethel (who I completely forgot was even on this show tbh) is pissed about the whole prison thing/Hiram making her dad lose his job thing and douses Veronica with her STRAWBERRY milkshake. Which is the ultimate offense, because strawberry is the shittiest of the milkshakes.
Veronica is like “you know what will help people hate me less? If I take over this school and become Student Body President!” As if anyone that hated by their constituents could actually become president. Oh wait.
Meanwhile, Jughead continues to talk mad shit about the Lodges under his breath, which is not unlike how I act when I’m late to a department meeting and miss out on all the free donuts and coffee, but not Carol’s innovative new plan for the phone tree system.
JUGHEAD: *mumbles incoherent insults*
ARCHIE: Do you need a Snickers?
Cheryl invites all of the inner circle River Vixens to her house for a slumber party. And by “inner circle” I mean the only members of the River Vixens to get any sort of screen time ever.
Okay, I’m three seconds into this party and I’m finding so much wrong already. First of all, where are these girls shopping for their pajamas? I have never seen so much lace and silk in one room in my whole goddamn life. Also, what is with the synchronized brushing? All I’m saying is these are not the slumber parties I grew up on because those looked less like the opening scenes of a porno and more like the first 20 minutes of The Edge of Seventeen. Just saying.
Just before Cheryl can officially welcome Toni to the team with her tongue her nana falls from the second story balcony. Cheryl’s like “I don’t think this was an accident.” I tend to agree with her because literally everyone in her family is trying to kill someone. That’s the power of maple syrup I guess.
CHERYL: I think my uncle pushed my nana down the stairs
ME: Yeah, and the sky is also blue today so what’s your point?
I’m listening to Jughead defend South Side High and all I can think is he’s definitely using this little stunt to get into a college above his station. Like, he went to South Side High for ONE WEEK, where is all of this school pride coming from?
Betty finds Chic and Kevin laughing it up in her kitchen. Chic’s like “I know about the whole catfishing scheme but we still talk.” This is dating in the modern age, people. Someone will literally lie about their identity and all of their intentions and you’ll still go on a date with them because you’ve seen worse. 2018 is trash.
Jughead decides that the next logical step in his “Take Down Hiram Lodge Plan” will be to chain himself to the school that’s about to be torn down. God, he’s so extra.
Okay, what in the actual fuck is Betty doing rn? She’s holding a lit flame to Chic’s unconscious body. You know she’s going to give Jughead a “u up?” text after this because nothing turns that girl on more than threatening people while they sleep.
*FIVE SECONDS AFTER THAT LAST SCENE*
BETTY: Jughead why didn’t you call me last night??
WHAT DID I SAY PEOPLE. Betty goes to visit Jughead and his cause and she’s like “I would have brought you blankets? Or an over the pants handy at the least?” God, Betty, never change.
Elsewhere, Veronica decides that the best way to win over her fellow students is to lock them into a room and force them to listen to her sing. Ronnie, no one wants to see a beautiful, talented person win at anything in life—especially in high school. Tone it the fuck down.
Ethel has no chill and is on a fucking mission to become take down The Plastics the Lodges and she’s even got the burn book Veronica’s receipts to prove it.
At least her eyebrows still look great. Small victories.
Okay, Alice confronting Betty about Dark Betty while Chic smirks in the background is the best thing I’ve ever watched in my entire life.
ALICE: Where in God’s name did you get this cabaret wig??
CHIC: She wears it to have sex with Jughead!
ME:
I feel like Alice is way less pissed at Betty having sex with her semi-sibling than the whole acting-out-her-daddy-issues-in-a-wig-on-an-online-platform thing. I guess incest is small potatoes to this family.
And the truth finally comes out: FP and Alice did bang, and for once Betty has the appropriate expression upon finding out disturbing information.
BETTY: Is there a chance that me and my boyfriend share a brother?
ALICE: Only, like, 60 % Absolutely not!
BETTY:
Betty goes after Chic again and it blows up in her face. I love that she tried to threaten him with a murder SHE COVERED UP. As if he wasn’t going to throw her under the bus the first chance he got. This is what you get for playing in a crime scene, Betty!
Chic screaming “you scare me, Betty!” is literally what I’ve been doing for two straight seasons now.
Mrs. Blossom is about to kill Cheryl and grind her bones into the next batch of maple syrup for the town. She knows that Cheryl knows she’s trying to kill off the remaining Blossoms for power. I swear to fucking god if The CW kills off Cheryl I’ll have no choice but to continue watching this show because it’s so goddamn good. I won’t be happy about it though!
Wait so Hiram wants to go after Jughead for his shitty hunger strike? Seems… extreme.
Lol I love that Archie and his wrestling bros are now both the unofficial police force of this town as well as Hiram’s lackey’s. Even mob bosses would rather hire unpaid interns. God, Archie is such a fucking dumbass. He will literally believe anything anyone tells him ever.
Archie goes to face off with Jughead and it is more extra than Cheryl’s broaches. Jughead is acting all shocked that Archie would side with Hiram over him, but honestly what did he expect? The boy can barely tie his shoes in the morning without an adult showing him how.
Jughead decides to run for student body president and wants Betty to be his running mate. Because that’s not a conflict of interest or anything. She’s like “sure but only if I can move in!” I love how Jughead just agrees as if no parents need to be involved in these minors’ decisions about where they’ll live.
Fred decides to run for mayor against his ex-girlfriend, and his ex-wife looks way too fucking giddy at the prospect of ruining a homewrecker’s career. She’s like “fuck Chicago! Riverdale is where I want to be.” You know what they say, nothing gives me a divorcee more will to live than watching a hot mistress go down in flames.
You can practically see the wheels turning in Archie’s pea-sized brain. How he’s going to be loyal to both Hiram and the man that fed, clothed, and loved him all of his life is going to be fun for me to watch.
The episode ends with Cheryl waking up in a fucking conversion camp. WHAT. NO. WHY.
You know shit must be messed up in there if Cheryl willingly subscribed to that hairstyle. And on that note, I’m out. Can’t wait for next week when we find out if those pigtails were an actual life choice or a form of torture. Only time will tell!
Images: Giphy (3); The CW (4); @gstardust123 /Instagram (1)
Missed last week’s recap? Catch it right fucking here.
Well this week’s episode of Riverdale was about as riveting as watching paint dry. Thanks for that, CW. I’m only a loyal viewer who tunes in week after week in the hopes that Jughead and Betty will do it I get to see more drama than when Kayla in marketing realizes someone ate her yogurt in the fridge EVEN THOUGH IT HAS HER NAME WRITTEN RIGHT THERE, PEOPLE. But by all means, produce a garbage episode in which the most exciting thing that happens is I get to see a flash of Archie’s nipple. K. Shall we dive into the episode then?
I love how Veronica just gets to sit in on mayoral meetings and shady business dealings now and none of the other parents present even seem the least bit concerned by this. They’re all gathered around talking about town politics and Veronica is just like “may I chime in?” And it’s like, yes, if they wanted advice on how to dissect a fuckboy’s texts then maybe they’d ask for you to “chime in” here, but in the meantime go back to homeroom, Veronica.
Cut to the Coopers who are just trying to have nice pancake breakfast while Chic tells them all about the prostitution ring he’s a part of. Their reaction is similar to when my parents heard/saw photographic evidence of what my sorority mixers were actually like in college, but that’s neither here nor there.
Also, let’s talk about the name Chic for a second please. Honey. Baby. Sweetie. You don’t have to keep the name the Johns give you in real life. Just go by Charlie.
So, what do we think Jughead researching his “oral history” with Toni really means? Cause I highly doubt it involves grandpas or history like they keep trying to emphasize.
Archie decides to join the wrestling team to impress Hiram Lodge because he finds Hiram v intimidating. Isn’t it odd that Hiram and Lodge Industries are supposed to be this big bad business, but it’s actually just one little former soap opera star sitting behind a big desk rubbing his hands together and giggling?
I mean, the whole wrestling plan does seem a bit far-fetched since Hiram isn’t a six year old, but I am totally on board for Archie speaking minimally and only wearing a tight spandex onesie for an entire episode. I’m glad The CW finally understands how to play to his character strengths.
Meanwhile, Kevin casually remembers that Chic is a video gigolo, which I guess means he discovered the internet and realized he didn’t have to troll for dudes in the forest anymore? Progress. Also, why is Betty acting like Chic’s career as a man of the evening is so fucking surprising? Like, didn’t he tell her when she found him with a video camera in a seedy motel room that his line of work was “wish fulfillment?” What did you think he meant by that, Betty? Because I was thinking he meant those wishes involved other dudes’ dicks.
Okay why are only half the guys at this tryout wearing a singlet? And why is it only the hot ones with speaking parts? What kind of subliminal messaging are you trying to force upon me, CW??
Hiram “The Ram” Lodge. Stream #Riverdale for free on The CW App: https://t.co/RcXsWBidbL pic.twitter.com/QzzsCcjXvq
— Riverdale (@CW_Riverdale) January 25, 2018
KEVIN: Archie has the physique of a 1970s porn star, but he can’t wrestle for shit.
God bless you, Kevin, and your one liners.
Ugh why are the only scenes that include Jughead and Betty anymore about them talking about genocide? I mean, is it horrible that the Blossoms massacred the Serpents in Training Ukenta back in the day? Yes. But is it equally horrible that I haven’t seen Jughead dry hump on a kitchen counter since last season? Also yes! Why doesn’t the CW want me to have nice things?
HAHA listening to Hiram emasculate Archie in front of Veronica is everything. Also, is it just me, or was there a strong subtext of impotence happening throughout that entire scene?
HIRAM: The thought of you two in her bedroom alone used to make me nervous but now that I’ve seen how you *perform* under pressure I’m not nervous anymore.
ARCHIE:
The longer Toni hangs out in this town the more I’m into her. Jughead is like, trying to publish an entry in his burn book write an exposé on the injustices behind the Pickens Day celebrations. He shows it to Toni and she’s like “isn’t this a little bit… dramatic?” And it’s like, YES GIRL, it’s pettier than my college group chat.
Why is Betty talking to her brother about the “darkness in her?” Is she referring to the Dark Betty wig thing? Or the public pole dancing thing? And why is this whole conversation giving me weird sib-cest vibes?
BETTY: There’s a darkness inside me, Chic. Do you want me to show you?
ME:
We’re three seconds into Hiram privately coaching Archie and I already have a feeling this will turn into a deleted scene of Training Day v soon. Also, I have no idea why Archie’s trying so hard to impress Veronica’s dad. It’s clear she could give a shit what Hiram thinks, and also Archie has banged his daughter on every surface of that apartment so it’s not like Hiram actually has a leg to stand on here.
Okay this Chuck vs. Archie wrestling scene is actually super hot more homoerotic than Archie’s Red Hood videos.
Pickens Day is finally here and Hal is making a fucking scene about Chic being there. He’s like, “do you know what this guy does with his clients??” And it’s like yes, I understand what wish fulfillment means, unlike the rest of you morons.
Also, Hal’s totally not Chic’s dad. If that “you know why he can’t stay here” comment means anything it’s that Alice was a hoe stepped out on him.
Wait, did Mrs. Blossom just proposition Hal? 3.5 seconds after he gave that high and mighty speech about not standing for prostitutes living under his roof? And is he accepting?? The hypocrisy of white middle aged men knows no bounds.
The Serpents crash the parade with a protest but Hiram shuts that shit down immediately. Tbh he really missed his calling in life because he would have done great things as a chapter president of a sorority. Great. Things.
Did Betty just ask her brother to help her become a cam girl?? DID SHE? Betty, I know you’ve had a strange childhood but that shit isn’t acceptable. There are things you can do with your siblings but one of those things is not starting an internet porn career. Alice, get your house in order!
Hiram offers Archie a position at his company because what’s one more 16-year-old on the company payroll, amiright?
The episode ends with the beheading… of a statue. That’s the big dramatic moment The CW decided was worth ending an episode on: a headless statue. *takes deep, calming breaths* All I have to say is, next week I better see some actual fucking entertainment happening or I will bitch to no one but my TV screen NOT be pleased. CW, you’ve been warned…
Images: The CW
Well fam, we’re here. We made it to Wednesday and, consequently, to another episode of Riverdale. Last week was a fucking snoozefest, and I, for one, am ready to see Cheryl burn some shit to the ground again. Like, enough with The Black Hood bullshit; let’s get back to the storylines that are actually interesting, like ordering hits on would-be date rapists and outing mothers for their slutty high school years as Serpent gang members. Is that too much to ask for, CW? IS IT??
The episode opens with Jughead acting petty AF in a Southside bar. Instead of embracing the fact that he’s underage in a bar that clearly doesn’t give a shit about fake I.D.s or personal hygiene, he’s talking shit about Archie in his diary. See, this right here is what’s wrong with hipster kids these days.
I do love when they start episodes by throwing shade at Archie, though.
JUGHEAD: With the grim reaper looming over our heads, Archie and Veronica coped by banging all over town with carnal defiance.
Oh, so that’s what we’re calling it these days?
We then get to see a montage of these two fucking all over Riverdale, including on the bearskin rug of Veronica’s living room. When I was in high school, the classiest place I could find some alone time with my boyfriend was his backseat in the parking lot of a Sonic, but okay.
^^I’m sorry, is this rehearsal for their sex tape or just how they say, “Good morning,” before first period? Honestly, it’s v hard to tell the difference.
Archie throws out an “I love you” to Veronica after sex, and he’s not even drunk. How embarrassing for him.
Elsewhere, Jughead and Betty are also exercising their… carnal defiance detective skills. *sighs* Just once I’d like to see these two actually work out their sexual tension instead of emotionally masturbating to gruesome crime photos. JUST ONCE.
Jughead’s dad is getting released from prison, and I am thrilled by this development. I would shout-write, “Daddy is home,” but I’m pretty sure I’ve done that the last three recaps, and by now, everyone knows where I stand on FP’s DILF status. But also, like, DADDY IS HOMEEEE.
I’m not even going to spend time talking about this whole Cheryl/Josie lesbian locker room scene except to say that the best line of this whole damn episode came out of it.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: “Take your male gaze and your male privilege and get out of the women’s locker room.”
Cheryl Blossom, we don’t deserve you.
Okay, Veronica is freaking the fuck out over this whole “I love you” thing, which seems weird to me because I always pegged her as the type of girl who blackmails her boyfriends into saying the L word first. Weird.
ARCHIE: I love you, V.
VERONICA: I love… your body?
At least she’s honest.
Jughead, Betty, and Alice Cooper go to pick up FP from prison, and is it just me or is there way too much sexual chemistry happening between their parents rn? Alice keeps asking FP if his muffin is buttered and would he like her to assign someone to butter his muffin?
Meanwhile, their kids—who are dating each other—are just like, “Parents, what can you do with them??” *throws up hands emoji* Well, you can certainly ask them to stop eye-banging each other in front of the county jail. Just for starters.
Veronica and Archie start interrogating Sheriff Keller about his cold case files. Veronica is just like, “I noticed there were some missing files,” but, like, who told you this?? Who keeps giving classified police files to someone who just graduated from a learner’s permit to a full-on license?
The look on Sheriff Keller’s face rn is saying he would personally hand all of these kids over to The Black Hood if they would just gtfo of his personal business. Amen, pal. Amen.
FP says he’s quitting the Serpents, and he wants Jughead to do the same. Jughead admits that he actually likes being in the Plastics gang, and their new member T-shirts and leather jackets aren’t half bad either. It’s true; they’re v Instagrammable, so I don’t blame him.
FP keeps talking about how he wanted college for Jughead, not the thug life.
FP: Well, at least keep writing then. It’s not like you need an actual degree for that.
ME: *takes introspective look at self and resume*
ALSO ME:
Betty keeps talking about wanting to be “Serpent adjacent” and how she wants to fit in with Jughead’s world. Apparently, “fitting in” involves some sort of sexist pole dance. These club members sound like real gems, ladies!
Elsewhere, Penny Peabody threatens Jughead with Betty. Jughead seems v surprised that a woman people refer to as “the snake charmer” might actually be deceitful. Clearly he’s been hanging out with Archie for too long.
Since Betty is busy trying to trap a man, she asks Varchie to go back to that godforsaken house The Hood sent her to. Officially, they’re there to “look for clues,” but I wouldn’t be surprised if the two of them started banging on the floor of an old crime scene just to avoid talking about the whole “I love you” thing. Or really, to avoid talking in general. I get the sense that that’s not their strong suit.
They find a box of important files with case-cracking information in it. It was just lying in the middle of the floor, because if I were a murderer, I’d leave incriminating files in plain sight too. Fucking amateurs.
Okay, FP and Alice Cooper 100 percent banged back in the day. FP is all, “Come to my retirement party, Alice,” and, “Ditch your husband, it’ll be our little secret, Alice.” I’m picking up what you’re putting down, FP.
Also, calling it now, there’s def an illegitimate kid those two share. That prom baby Alice had? 100000 percent FP’s. CALLING IT NOW.
So is, like, every teacher in the Riverdale school district hiding shit? First Mrs. Grundy, then The Sugarman/English teacher, and now this creepy AF janitor? Like, who is the school superintendent here? Roy Moore?
Also, I love that these high school kids can just interrogate grown-ass people, and these adults just let them! Like, sir, you survived a horrible childhood trauma. Don’t let this ginger whose signature look involves crazy eyebrows and a cardigan intimidate you. You’re better than this.
As it turns out, the janitor is not actually The Black Hood, and he thinks The Reaper was killed by a bunch of vigilantes back in the day. Color me shocked that Troy Bolton and his flavor of the month didn’t get all their facts straight first.
Why does the Whyte Wyrm look like a dive bar in Bushwick, but with a stripper pole? And why is Toni Topaz, a high school sophomore, manning the bar? Why are there no rules in this town?
Okay, Alice Cooper showing up dressed like its her sorority’s biker bash themed mixer is everything.
YO. The shade Archie is throwing Veronica rn for not being able to say, “I love you,” back to him is next level. Honestly, so inspiring.
ARCHIE: I picked out a duet for us to sing together. It’s that song you love. Or at least strongly like, since apparently you can’t say, “I love you.”
*slow claps*
Wowwww. Every second of that scene was petty AF. I’ve never been more proud of you, Archie Andrews.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Did Betty just start stripping while singing karaoke?? At a party her mother is chaperoning?? WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.
Oh my fucking god, she’s dancing on the pole now. DANCING. ON. THE. POLE. It’s like watching a train wreck Ariel Winter’s Instagram stories. I can’t look away.
Everyone is looking at Betty like she didn’t just spend the last few days choreographing this dance with Toni off-screen.
EVERYONE: *amazed, awed, truly inspired*
TONI:
FP is acting like it’s v casual to find a 15-year-old gyrating on a pole in his fave bar. Dude, if this is your normal, then I’m calling the police.
So is Betty just going to walk around the rest of the night in just that lingerie and a leather jacket? Bitch, it’s not even Halloween. PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON.
FP can’t quit the Serpents because he’s taking over Jughead’s debt to Penny Peabody, and he is PISSED. He’s looking at Jughead like he wants to call him a dipshit in front of the entire bar, and I’ve never been more turned on in my life.
And just like that, The CW takes away my will to live breaks up every fucking couple on this show. Great, so now that I’m feeling emotionally devastated, should I drunk dial my ex and really make this night special?
Okay, no, no, NO. This is not happening right now. Why is Archie looking at Betty like he wants to send her an unwanted dick pic he’s into her? You just told Veronica you loved her, like, three seconds ago!
JUGHEAD: *narrates* And he looked at the girl next door like it was the very first time he was seeing her.
Yeah, or like, he just saw her work through her daddy issues do a strip tease in front of an entire bar. Either/or.
Whatever. If you need me, I’ll just be screaming into the void aggressively tweeting at the writers of Riverdale. Byeeeee.
