‘Riverdale’ Recap: Archie Debuts His Breakup Hair

Welcome back once again, people, to another wild Wednesday night in Riverdale. Last week left us with a lot of questions, mostly what are the writers of Riverdale smoking, and where can I get some? There’s also the question of who would willingly rent out their cabin in the woods to a 17-year-old whose background check reads “high school dropout” and “recently incarcerated.” If I thought any of those questions could actually be answered without opening another plot hole the size of Archie’s vacation cabin I would have stopped DMing the writers on Instagram. But, alas, here we are. So, on that note, let’s just dive right in.

If you’ll recall, when last we left off my prayers had been answered Archie had been mauled by a bear. Lol. After the attack he slipped into some sort of demented fever dream where he realized that he is in fact the worst, and then tried to subconsciously beat himself to death. Again, @writerras WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING??

Moving on. The episode opens with another judgey voiceover from Jughead. He’s making passive-aggressive comments about Archie’s new hair color, and this is a level of petty I aspire to. Like, your friend just barely survived being mauled to death by a wild animal and you’re dragging him for trying to see if brunettes have more fun.

JUGHEAD: He was now a stranger. He had dark hair.

You’re a messy bitch, Jughead, but I love it!

Okay, also, can we take a minute to talk about said grizzly attack? Like, the last we saw of Archie he was in the middle of nowhere, bleeding to death, and now he’s walking into Riverdale like nothing happened? I mean, he had to go to the hospital for those injuries, right? How in the hell was social services not called? He’s a minor! And did he barter his new L.L. Bean vest to pay the medical bills? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Archie goes to Veronica’s bar to let her know that he’s back in town and I sincerely hope she beats him to death with one of her mocktails. Don’t get me wrong, I love any scene that involves a man groveling, but Veronica is way too good for this dipsh*t.

VERONICA: What the hell happened to your hair?

Lol. Okay, guys, LET HIM LIVE.

Okay WHAT. Are they going to bang? Right there on the bar? What happened to Reggie? Aren’t they together? Veronica’s all, “Where were you? Why didn’t you call me?” and when Archie gives her a vague shrug as his answer, she immediately suggests doggy style behind the bar. Come on, V! I expected more from you.

Guys, Archie has changed soooo much since his time in Canada. Not only is he brunette, but he doesn’t even have the same drink order any more! Okay, stop it. I’m worried now.

BETTY: Why didn’t you order a strawberry milkshake?
ARCHIE: I like root beer floats now.

Root beer floats, Arch? Wow. Canada changed you.

Lol I love how Betty is all of a sudden acting like these kids go to school. She’s all, “Guys the SATs are this weekend, who all wants to study?” But when will you have time to study, Betty, what with all the murders you have to solve and adults you need to shake down? Hmm?

Betty’s card gets denied at Pop’s and it’s the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. The card getting denied part, not a teenager learning how to build credit. Please. She finds out that Alice is the one behind it. Not only has her mom maxed out all of her credit cards, but she’s also drained all of her savings and college funds and given it to The Farm. Because that doesn’t all feel like a culty thing to do.

Okay, STOP. The principal also suddenly cares about academics?? Why is this show suddenly being logical? Are the writers finally reading my burn book recaps? WHAT ARE THEY PLAYING AT.

I don’t trust any of this.

HAHA. The principal wants Archie to repeat his junior year and Archie looks shook. Like, dude, you spent the first half of the school year in prison and the second half as a walking ad for the outdoor store in seclusion in Canada. You can’t really be surprised that he can’t just pass you to the next grade because you look good with your shirt off. Come on.

Ah, so Veronica is still dating Reggie. Reggie tries to kiss her by her locker and she’s like “um excuse me but the guy who dumped me over a payphone and hasn’t responded to any of my texts in weeks is actually back and interested in me for five minutes so we’re done, k?” That’s it, Veronica, dump a guy who’s actually interested in you for one who thought the SATs was a new music festival. God. Veronica is me. I am Veronica.

Meanwhile, Archie is starting to realize his limitations. And by limitations I mean that he has the vocabulary of a boulder.

JUGHEAD: Let’s start with an easy one. What does “iconoclast” mean?

Lol. Yeah, this kid is going far. But not even as far as management at McDonald’s.

Okay, Veronica is bold. She gets all their friends INCLUDING REGGIE to gather for a study/welcome home party for Archie. She’s like “sit down lover and let me serenade you” and I just vomited in my mouth a little. Honestly, Reggie looks about as homicidal as I feel right now. Someone please make the random acts of singing stop.

Archie starts having flashbacks to his vision quest and flees the party. Veronica’s like, “he’s changed! He doesn’t even like my singing anymore!” And it’s like, did he ever, though? Or did he just like to get laid? I’ll let you decide, V!

Cut to the next day, and Reggie is going in on Archie for dipping out on Veronica’s ego trip public serenading. He’s like, “why are you such a little bitch” and it’s, like, damn I guess Archie has the right to remain burned. That was a good one. 

HAHA. Archie turns around and shows off his scars from the attack and I just snorted out loud. He supposedly got mauled within an inch of his life and it just looks like a cat scratched him. Is this a joke? Are those actually supposed to be claw marks from a bear? There’s barely anything there! Reggie, DO NOT be intimidated by this!

Meanwhile, Betty does what I do every time my mother asks me if I really need all those iced coffees and to “learn to save”: asks daddy for money. She’s like “mom can’t be trusted” as she speaks to a man with IRON BARS separating him from society. K. 

It turns out Hal was the OG Gargoyle King who poisoned Principal Weatherby back in the day. He’s like “they were all a bunch of sinners” and I can’t argue with that. Alice wearing crop tops during her first trimester! Finding out that Penelope actually marries her adopted brother! I’m not comfortable with how much time I’ve spent talking about that flashback episode with my therapist.

Also, is it just me, or is listening to their father/daughter bonding time a bit like listening to the last two minutes of a Scooby Doo episode?

BETTY: I solved your murders, didn’t I?
HAL: And I would have gotten away with it to if it weren’t for my meddling kid!

Okay, I totally forgot that Fangs was going undercover in the Gargoyle Gang. He tries to infiltrate what appears to be a Klan meeting, but with Halloween masks. This is so unsettling.

It’s revealed that Tall Boy is in fact the tree monster/pretend Gargoyle King who has been terrorizing people all over Riverdale. But, like, why though? This feels completely random and not at all like the writers played 52 pickup with the cast’s headshots to see who would be the villain this season. 

Meanwhile, Archie finds out that Reggie and Veronica hooked up while he was gone and he’s piiiissed. I’m not sure why though? Like, Archie, did you or did you not get a lap dance from some rando farm girl three minutes after dumping Veronica over a payphone? Yeah. Cry me a river, Red.

Betty confronts Penelope Blossom about visiting her dad in prison. I’m not surprised at all that Penelope likes to hang out in penitentiaries. That feels very on brand for her character. 

BETTY: Are you one of those sickos who fantasizes over serial killers?
PENELOPE: As a girl I did write love letters to Jeffery Dahmer. So, yes.

Oh shut tf up, Betty. As if you’re not one of those sickos who gets wet from murders. You forget we’ve all seen your wig, honey!

I’m sorry, but did Archie just ask for one last bang? He’s like “I get it, I’m not very bright and I kind of suck, but can we have breakup sex please?” AND VERONICA DOES IT. Mija! Where is your self worth! You’re better than this, girlfriend. 

Fast forward to the next day, and it’s SAT time. I’m shocked the writers are actually going to follow through with this plotline. I guess Veronica and Archie test prep a little bit differently than me.

It’s not looking good for Archie. Jesus. He’s struggling to even bubble in his name. His combined score on the practice test was 600 so I’m not confident he even did it right on the practice run. He runs out of the room and immediately has a panic attack.

Meanwhile, Hiram is bragging about out-smarting two high school juniors and FP. Bravo, Hiram. We’re so impressed.

Wait. Holy sh*t. Is Hiram dead?? Did someone just shoot him? Was it Archie? He was all riled up after a long day of number two pencils and standardized test taking… 

Mark Consuelos’ best acting to date tbh.

VERONICA: He got shot sometime after you fled the SATs…
ARCHIE: Lol r u serious?

The boy has a point, V! In all honesty, I don’t think it was Archie. This is the boy whose grand plan to escape prison involved rushing the gates in broad daylight. Premeditated murder feels a little outside his skillset. 

Meanwhile, Jughead shows up to the bunker to find that Sweet Pea and Fangs have shot Tall Boy. They’re freaking out but, like, this isn’t the first time Jughead’s gotten rid of a body before. Body disposal is kind of his foreplay. 

WHAT. FP IS THE SHERIFF. WHAT. First of all, I’ve never been so wet in my life. My god, that uniform is everything. Second of all, I’m not even going to question the plot hole that is a convicted felon taking over a vacant sheriff position. As if there wouldn’t be riots in the streets over this. I don’t even care! As long as he wears that uniform from now until forever I’ll take it. 

And on that note, I’m out! If you need me I’ll just be googling “Skeet Ulrich smoke show” from now until next Wednesday. BYE.

Images: Giphy (4); The CW (3); 

Riverdale Recap: Riverdale Is Broken

Welcome back, people, to another thrilling episode of Riverdale! Well, not so much thrilling as utterly ridiculous and not within the scope of reality, but you get the gist. Last week we realized just how broken the Riverdale justice system is, and lowkey how broken the Riverdale writers’ understanding of the legal system is. When last we left off, Archie was headed to juvie wearing his Sunday best, Jughead discovered a dead Dilton Doiley (yes that is a real name) all carved up in front of a weird altar, and Betty saw her infant niece and nephew FLY INTO THE AIR. So, just another Wednesday in Riverdale I guess. Shall we get started?   

The episode begins with Archie’s first day of prison, which looks suspiciously like a wet t-shirt contest. I’m finding it hard to believe that these guards would power hose JUVENILES like they’re rabid dogs, but okay. This isn’t Shawshank, it’s Riverdale!

^^An episode of Riverdale or soft core porn? You decide. 

We also learn that Betty is alive and well. She only had a casual “stress seizure,” which caused her to pass out and is supposed to explain why she thought Polly’s babies could fly. So I guess they’ll just be normal, run-of-the-mill incest babies with webbed feet, but no flying. Good. Also, can someone with an actual medical degree please confirm that a person can actually have a seizure from being “too stressed?” Because if that’s the case then I’m genuinely concerned for my health.

Betty’s like “I’m fine but what about Juniper and Dagwood??” JUNIPER AND DAGWOOD. I know Polly is supposed to be a farm person now but MY GOD those names are f*cking terrible.

Back in the jailhouse, Archie meets his cellmate for the first time and his name is Mad Dog. Jesus Christ. Is no one called, like, Jimmy anymore? No more Will? What about Dan? COME ON CW, YOU’RE KILLING ME.

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“D” is for DAMN, Archie’s new BFF in juvie is RIPPED. A new #Riverdale premieres on Wednesday!!! ⌛️????????????????????‍♂️

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Lol I love that Archie just flashed his Serpent tat in the yard as if it means sh*t. He’s like “FP Jones and Jughead said I could hang out with you guys? Did you see my tat?” First of all, Archie, your “tat” looks like it was spray painted on at the country fair. I’m surprised that overly aggressive hosing down earlier didn’t wipe it clean off your body.

Elsewhere, it’s date night for Betty and Jughead and they’re getting frisky in the morgue. I wish I was joking. Also, why is this coroner letting two high school kids take pictures of a dead body? Like, what are they using those pictures for? The school newspaper? Foreplay? Both??

Archie is hanging out in the prison music room, because YES THIS PRISON HAS A MUSIC ROOM and, yes, The CW is still trying to make Archie The Tortured Artist happen. He shouldn’t be hanging out there all alone though, because one, he looks like a dipsh*t, and two, he doesn’t have the Serpents’ protection anymore. Shockingly, the Serpents don’t think his tattoo is legit, and want him to shiv–SHIV!–a rival gang member. Archie refuses and I guess is now writing a song about it in the music room.

The Ghoulies find him there and they’re pissed because Archie snitched on them for street racing and now they’re stuck in juvie presumably for life. For street racing. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: Riverdale is a broken city. They’re like “nice shoes, we want your shoes” but, like, are “shoes” a metaphor for something here? Like Archie’s ass? ‘Cause that’s where it feels like this conversation is going…

Cut to Archie meeting Veronica during visitation hours and he is not looking great.

VERONICA: Why are you sitting that way?

LOL. Veronica, please be chill. Your boyfriend probably just had a “shoe” shoved up his ass.

Betty runs into the daughter of the cult leader of Polly’s farm. She says her dad is Edgar Neverever and I honestly can’t believe that is a name The CW is actually trying to pass off as real. Like, is this the best the Riverdale writers can come up with?? When Betty said that name last episode I genuinely thought she was just speaking jibberish to make a point.

Cut to Pop’s, where Veronica wants to start shit with Cheryl because she stole Archie’s school presidency. Honestly, V, he may or may not have had a gang member shove his shoe (or something else idk) up his ass. He has bigger things to deal with other than whether or not he needs another extracurricular activity for his college application.

VERONICA: I’m not serving you. I refuse.

CHERYL: You can’t just refuse to serve someone for being better looking than you.

F*cking SLAY, Cheryl!!!  I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, Cheryl Blossom is a godd*mn national treasure. Bless you.

Lol Riverdale dragging the Innocence Project into their damn trash show. I’m sure that once they’re done working tirelessly to get Steven Avery out of prison they’ll be VERY thankful to The CW for the free publicity.

Veronica keeps talking about how she’s just going to “open a chapter” of the Innocence Project in Riverdale. She’s making it sound like it’s some sort of demented sorority. Will there also be a t-shirt and a social chair at this chapter? Hmm?

VERONICA: *makes vague statement about single-handedly leading a nationally recognized institution in Riverdale* *compares it to putting on a sorority philanthropy event*


Veronica buys Archie another pair of sneakers and YOU GUYS the sheer look of panic on his face rn is making my whole damn week. You know he’s like like f*ckkkk where can I hide these sneakers so I don’t get it up the butt again? Good luck, kid!

Archie goes out into the prison yard to show off his new sneakers and beg everyone to play football with him. I paraphrase. He’s like “why do we have to shiv each other all the time? Why can’t we just all get along like we used to?”


Meanwhile, Jughead and Betty are off traipsing in the woods again looking for more murder. And HOLY F*CK what is that beast they just ran into in the woods? Are they both abusing Adderall? Is this another stress seizure? What am I looking at rn???

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“G” is for you-know-who… New #Riverdale on Wednesday, with the most shocking ending we’ve ever done, and that includes FP carrying Jughead…????????☠️

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Archie and Mad Dog have a heart-to-heart and we learn that Mad Dog is serving a sh*t ton of time. Like, 20 plus years. I would LOVE to know what he did to deserve 20 years when Archie murdered someone and only got two plus a football game with his pals. RIVERDALE IS BROKEN.

Sooo Dilton did commit suicide? Betty and Jughead think he was playing some sort of demented game and accidentally drank rat poison in the process. What ever happened to truth or dare, kids??

OKAY WHAT. CHEERLEADERS IN PRISON. Am I having a stress seizure? F*cking Dagwood and Parsnip floating in the air is more believable than what I’m watching on my screen rn. Veronica riles up all the River Vixens and has them put on a show for all the prison boys playing in the football game. I’m using the term “show” loosely here because it felt less like an organized performance and more like a soft core porn, the sing-along edition.

Also, should the leader of Riverdale’s Innocence Project be behaving this way? I guess shaking your *ss at prisoners is an innocence project in its own way??

Hiram shows up mid-dance sequence and tells Veronica that he doesn’t want her to grind on other girls in front of prisoners during her spare time. Which, like, fair.

HIRAM: My seventeen-year-old daughter shouldn’t be behaving like this in front of inmates!


Yes, that’s real mature, sweetie. PLEASE say someone is recording all of this for the Innocence Project.

Veronica basically tells her father LIKE HELL will she leave a musical number before the performance is over. The show must go on, I guess. We all have to stand for something. So Hiram sends in the f*cking riot police to break up the football game. AT A JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER? Like, why aren’t any of these cheerleaders whipping out their phones and recording this? This juvenile hall would be shut down like that. Seriously, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

After her little stunt at the prison, Veronica gets blacklisted from visiting. She gets a fake ID and steals one of Betty’s wigs so she can become “Monica Posh” and visit Archie. When I was in high school I used my fake ID to buy wine coolers and get drunk in my parent’s basement, but okay. 

Ooooh this should be interesting. Hermione calls all the parents together for what looks like a v secret meeting. Apparently they also played the creepy game Dilton and Ethel played?? And they’ve been keeping it a secret since high school? I’m just so… confused.

The last five minutes of this show are legit bonkers because Dilton’s friend, Benjamin Button, who survived the sacrifice at the altar, commits suicide in the hospital. I’m sure he will return as an old man aging backward.

And on that note, I’m out betches! In addition to ripping off The Shawshank Redemption, I’m sure The CW will come up with new and exciting ways to rip off Fight Club next episode now that Archie is the warden’s new Mad Dog. Should be lit!

Images: Giphy (6); @writerras /Instagram (2); The CW (1)

‘Riverdale’ Recap: Justice For Jughead

Well, fam, we’re in the home stretch! We’ve survived yet another episode of Riverdale. A large contingent of sinners have been murdered and we’ve identified yet another Black Hood. I’m still hopeful the final Black Hood will murder Hiram Lodge and we can be done with his fucking stupid plot line and the Kelly Ripa bribery money funding it. Anyways, shall we get started?

The episode opens with Cheryl in deep shit. Like, The-Black-Hood-is-at-her-front-door deep shit. He breaks down the door and tries to do what I’ve only ever dreamt of doing to my exes: taking an axe to everything Cheryl knows and loves. So sweet.

Cheryl somehow manages to escape, change her outfit, grab a spare cape, and get out her archery kit in the time it takes for The Black Hood to walk down one flight of stairs. Normally, I’d rip a plotline like this to shreds, but since Cheryl is the one I’m supposed to suspend reality for I’ll accept it. Carry on.

Okay, but what are the rules of this town? A minor is brought into a hospital with a gunshot wound and they tell him to take a number?? Is the governor of New York aware of what’s going on in this godforsaken town?

Cheryl sets out to hunt down The Black Hood BY FOOT armed with only her bow and arrow. Lol k. Like, just because you took one archery class doesn’t make you a fucking expert, Cheryl.

CHERYL: I’m going to track down The Black Hood with nothing but this bow and arrow and the blood dripping from his wound.

BETTY: You’re insane.


Meanwhile, riots are breaking out into the streets of Riverdale. It’s like a scene out of The Purge except the sheriff is more concerned about harassing the family of a gunshot victim than taking back his town. Sure.

As if shit couldn’t get any wilder, Hermione decides to put a bounty on The Black Hood’s head. One million dollars goes to anyone who can catch him dead or alive. Because why trust law enforcement and high school juniors to handle catching a serial killer?

Sweet Pea and Archie get into it at the high school. Sweet Pea is convinced Reggie shot Fangs even though Midge’s mom already confessed to it. He’s like “you’ve taken my home and my friends and all my human rights so I’m going to burn down the thing you hold closest to your heart: this high school.”

SWEET PEA: I’m burning this mother down!!!


Okay Sweet Pea, I think you’re overestimating how much anyone likes high school.  I mean I know we’re talking about Archie here, a guy who literally showers in his letterman jacket, but come on.

Betty gets a call from FP saying that her dad is in the hospital. So I guess this means he is The Black Hood? It’s very confusing tbh but there’s a fan theory floating around out in the world that Hal could be a twin and the twin could be The Black Hood, which is funny because I didn’t realize The CW had hired Marlene King to come in and write away all their plot holes.

Lol why does The Ghoulies’ gang leader look like Bella Thorne’s boyfriend?

Seriously. It’s fucking uncanny. 

The Ghoulies show up at Pop’s looking to start some shit. Poor Pop. Why is his chocolate shoppe always the start of a gang war? Archie comes up with the brilliant idea of throwing FLAMING LIQUOR BOTTLES out into the crowd full of minors. He’s reallyyy banking on his dad winning the mayoral race, huh? That’s the only way I can see a death by flamethrower as publicly accepted in this town.

Speaking of Fred, he shows up with Sheriff Keller and FP. Their presence is somehow more intimidating than Archie’s homemade firebombs and The Ghoulies scatter. The fact that Sheriff Keller didn’t lose his shirt even ONCE in this scene feels like a missed opportunity, tbh.

KEVIN: Hot Riverdale dads to the rescue

Well said, Kev. Well said.

Also, I pride myself on having watched every single second of Law & Order: SVU to ever be aired so I know that when a cop gets fired they have to give up their badge and gun immediately, and yet, somehow Sheriff Keller gets to keep the cruiser? “You can keep the car sir, but I’ll need that little star you wear on your shirt.” What is the new sheriff driving? Is he catching a ride in with his mom? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Elsewhere, Veronica tries to convince her mother that her dad’s a fucking psycho. She found out that he’s planning on leaking some damning photos that prove Hermione and Fred had an affair last year. I guess he thinks that the town will blame Fred and not Hermione for the affair but, like, does he realize how sexist America is?? As if a mistress has ever come out on top after a sex scandal. Please, Stormy Daniels isn’t the one who’s President right now.

Betty shows up at the hospital but Hal/The Black Hood has already killed the doctor. Somehow he has the landline number for the hospital and calls Betty from her random location in said hospital and tells her to come home or he’ll kill Alice.

HAL/MAYBE THE BLACK HOOD: We’re all gonna sit down and watch some home movies

BETTY: See what I mean he’s a fucking psychopath!!

Hal shows them an old family movie, which is not only creepy and disturbing but also seems to fill every single plot hole The CW has been trying and failing to write themselves out of all season. It’s v v convenient. Apparently, Grandpappy Cooper was the original Black Hood who murdered the Conway family way back when and now Hal is following in his father’s footsteps to take out all of the sinners in town. Tbh I think I’m more shooketh that Hal is supposedly short for Harold.

Cut to Archie’s house where there’s ANOTHER Black Hood. I’m not sure what’s going on here but there better not be a goddamn twin twist or so help me…

Elsewhere, Jughead tries to rescue Toni from Penny Peabody. If you’ll recall Jughead went all Fight Club on her ass when he mutilated her before banishing her from town. He looks visibly shocked that she’s still holding on to that grudge.

PENNY: I told you I’d be back


Cheryl and her bow and arrow show up as Jughead’s back up for the fight. Jesus. They’re really running with this Katniss Everdeen vibe, aren’t they? Like, where does one even buy real arrows like that?

Meanwhile, Small Fries shows up looking for the Lodges and he ain’t so small. What a clever play on words, Mr. Fries.

Back at the Cooper household, Hal is still trying to explain why he’s into murder. He says that he went after Fred because Fred is an adulterer. Alice is just like “k but didn’t you cheat on me with Mrs. Blossom? A known prostitute?”



Lol this is the epitome of white male hypocrisy. I can’t.

Alice is trying to distract Hal and tells him about her affair with FP. She’s just is like “well I stepped out with FP and he’s a real man in every way that counts.” Okay, first of all, DETAILS, ALICE, DETAILS. Seriously, I need some sort of flashback scene here because I’ve been waiting two goddamn seasons to see FP shirtless.

Jughead realizes that Hiram is the mastermind behind the riots. He couldn’t buy out The Serpents so he’s trying to…kill them? Honestly, it’s not airtight but I’ve given up trying to understand the motives that drive these losers.

Jughead decides that he’s going to sacrifice himself to Penny so she doesn’t start a war with The Serpents. Great plan, Jughead! Literally nothing could go wrong! Side note: if The Ghoulies don’t kill Jughead, a string bean of a teenage boy, do they really even deserve to be called a gang? Hmm?

Not but one scene later FP and the gang find Jughead all bloodied up on the field. I’m not even going to give The CW the satisfaction of freaking out because I know for a fact they aren’t going to kill off the only reason half of us even watch this show. Plus, Lili and Cole just went public with their IRL relationship and there’s no way in hell The CW isn’t going to use that to their advantage. Please.

Images: The CW (2); Giphy (6)

‘Riverdale’ Recap: The Black Hood Is Back, Back Again, Tell A Friend

Hello, fam, and welcome back to another exciting episode of Riverdale! I almost didn’t even tune in this week for fear that The CW would try and turn this episode into part two of that musical abomination they dared air last Wednesday. Literally the only good thing that came out of the last episode was Cheryl doing the Lord’s work dousing herself in pig’s blood and threatening her mother. Bless. Anyway, here’s hoping the singing is over with forever!

Andddd I spoke too soon. The episode opens at Midge’s funeral where Cheryl, a girl whose nicest words to the deceased were “you have the vocabulary of a baked potato”, has showed up in a black River Vixen’s uniform and is using the grave site as her own personal stage for her American Idol audition. This scene is not at all making Midge turn over in her grave. Not at all.

Lol Sheriff Keller trying to get to the bottom of this musical is me. He starts interrogating all of the kids and seems genuinely confused that a) there was a musical in the first place and that b) someone would want to document it for posterity. THANK YOU, SHERIFF.

SHERIFF KELLER: But why did you have the camera?
JUGHEAD: To document the musical.

Cheryl starts openly threatening the Sheriff at the funeral, because that feels appropriate to do in front of the dead girl’s grieving mother. I’d say Cheryl has no tact, but Cheryl can do no wrong. The end.

Jughead thinks Chic might be a copycat Black Hood killer and it’s the smartest idea he’s had all season. That said, his second smartest idea involved dramatically chaining himself to a statue, so, he didn’t start off strong to begin with.

Meanwhile, Archie keeps insisting that the janitor is not The Black Hood because “his eyes aren’t the same.” Cool, cool. They only shot a man dead because you said he was definitely The Black Hood, but whatevs.

We’re back to the Quiet Sisters of Mercy. Is it just me or does that whole place feel like the next season setting for American Horror Story? Jughead and Betty want to find out if Chic ever crossed paths with Mr. Svenson aka The Black Hood aka a probably innocent man in his time with the sisters.

OH SHIT. Chic is not Charles aka Alice’s long lost child. I mean, this plotline is straight out of my favorite Lifetime movie, so it’s not super original, but I still applaud the CW’s effort.

Archie starts actively seeking out The Black Hood because he has the survival instincts of a twig. He’s like the equivalent of the girl in horror movies who shows her tits and then ends up dead 10 minutes in. Tbh it’s beyond his time. This can’t end well for you, buddy!

Speaking of which, two guys jump out and grab him. If only he’d brought his hooded, shirtless entourage. Then it would truly be a fair fight.

Back at the Coopers’ house, Jughead and Betty confront Chic about not being Charles. Betty looks like she’s two seconds away from putting on her wig and taking this shit to the hot tub for answers. 

JUGHEAD: Shut your mouth, you impostor!

ALSO BETTY: ….yeah lemme handle this one.

Ah ha! So Nick Sin “Psycho” (clever, V)  is the guy in black following Archie around. He’s got Archie tied up and wants a million dollars or else he’s going to beat the shit out of Archie. Tbh it might do the boy some good. By all means, Nick, carry on.

Nick tries to ransom the Lodges for Archie’s life. Little does he know that Archie is about as useful to Hiram as my Metro card is to me getting to work on time.

VERONICA: Daddy it’s Archie! We have to pay them!

Cheryl decides to write a think piece on how shitty of a job Sheriff Keller is doing. Tbh this feels like a missed opportunity, because no one has written a think piece on Sheriff Keller’s abs, and that’s the real story here. Kevin is just like “you’re smearing my dad’s good name!” to which Cheryl laughs in his fucking face. Honestly, she’s not wrong. Sheriff Keller literally closed multiple murder cases based on the findings published in a high school newspaper. Please.

Back at the Cooper house, they’ve turned family dinner night into a hostage situation. And it’s like, have these people never heard of Taco Tuesday before?? Jesus. Just once I’d like to see this family do something fucking normal at the dinner table.

Veronica tries to pay off Nick without her Daddy’s black card. Lol let me know how that works out for you, girl. Oh shit, Nick wants Veronica to repay him with her vagina. That’s so fucking twisted and gross. I hope she brings Cheryl and the pig’s blood on their date and the three of them have a time.

Alice confronts FP about their past and Y’ALL THE PROM BABY IS FP’S. OH MY FUCKING GOD. You know how people who exercise get some sort of euphoric high after working out for a while? That’s how I feel after I’ve been proven right about a plot twist in a TV show popular among 13-year-olds. 

And as if we needed any other evidence that The Black Hood is back, Betty’s phone goes off with that creepy AF ringtone. He’s convinced that Chic murdered her real brother and he wants her to deliver the sinner to him. Quick q tho, does he not consider Dark Betty sinful? Like, what constitutes as kill-worthy sins? Because this girl has stripped in front of an entire bar filled with old bikers, lived a double life on a webcam, and just genuinely enjoys playing in a good crime scene, but she’s cool with you? K.

Okay, I’m finding it v hard to believe Veronica is actually going to sleep with this scum bag. There’s no way in hell. She’s gotta have something up her sleeve here.

Archie escapes from his binds and it’s actually unbelievable. Seriously. I’d like to see the playback on this scene please. He races off to save Veronica, but she’s already saved herself by roofing Nick. Already. Saved. Herself. That’s beautiful, CW. 

Meanwhile, Hal is not down to cover up murders. It’s like he doesn’t even realize that murder is the Coopers’ favorite form of foreplay? No wonder their marriage was so shitty. It’s like he doesn’t get Alice at all!

Betty decides to hand over Chic to The Black Hood because what 16-year-old girl doesn’t have a serial killer as a booty call? Ugh. If only my exes were as nice as hers. 

The episode ends with Archie confronting Hiram about the fact that he wouldn’t pay his ransom. He’s like “don’t worry about it, I know I have to kill someone first before you’ll care about me!”


Remember when Archie just wanted to be a musician? And not a hit man? Those were simpler times. Well, here’s to another week of suspending reality for the sake of The CW’s ratings. See you betches next week!!

Images: Giphy (5); The CW (4)

‘Riverdale’ Recap: Jingle Jangle Is What The Kids Are Into

I’d just like to start this recap by throwing up a metaphorical middle finger at The CW for making it so fucking difficult for me to live stream their shit. How dare they discriminate against those of us mooching off our ex-boyfriend’s step sister’s friend from high school’s parent’s cable password. CW, if you’re listening, welcome to your fucking tape. Luckily, I’m committed to seeing more of Archie’s abs this show and will watch it by any means necessary, even if those means are illegal will slowly rot my laptop from the inside out. Anyway, shall we talk shit about this episode now?

The episode starts with a montage of the rise and fall of Pop’s Diner: from then, when it was young and thriving, to now, when it’s dead inside (literally), and it’s like looking into a mirror v unsettling. Not into this self-reflection rn. *opens bottle of wine*

So apparently Pop’s ain’t doing so hot after the shooting. A mere three days later, the diner is shutting down, because people aren’t showing up for their daily milkshakes.  I would love to see the account ledger for this place.

Lol, I love that outside of investigating town murders, working on their music careers, trying to get to second base with their girlfriends, pulling beautiful psychos out of a frozen lake, and fending off gang members wearing jean-on-jean ensembles, these kids still have time to save a diner. Riverdale is crazy.

When do we think Archie is going to tell everyone that he’s been spending his nights “guarding” his family with nothing but a stick and his penetrating stare?

Oh THANK GOD FP is back. DADDY IS HOME. Bless up.

FP: *breathes*


Riverdale Daddy

He’s back, but not for long, because it looks like FP might be going to jail for a casual 20-40 years for something, but I can’t remember what. Like, what is he in jail for again? Did he move a body? Is that it?? Because the Liars only got like, five days in prison for that, and Riverdale PD seems like it would run on a similar sort of justice system. Idk. Someone DM me if you know these answers.

Wowww, Betty is doing some next level stalking detective work with Archie rn. Watching him every night through her window and then reporting his whereabouts to his girlfriend? *slow claps* Like, way to have ya girl’s back. Betty, where were you when I was dating Tyler from Jersey?

VERONICA: ARE YOU TEXTING BITCHES OR NAH; Betty tells me you haven’t been sleeping in your bed?

ARCHIE: It’s not what you think! I just stay up all night sitting on this milk crate, that I bought from Urban Outfitters’ home goods sale, defending my family with nothing but a stick and sheer force of will!!!

VERONICA: Where is this stick, so I can beat you with it?

Once again, Veronica is me. I am Veronica.

Archie is slowly unraveling and I’m into it is now apparently trying to buy drugs in broad fucking daylight. Honestly, I’m more concerned that they turned re-cast Reggie into a drug dealer. This seems like a character departure from the wholesome jock who only sometimes ranked girls sexually for funsies. Lol KIDDING.

The longer I watch this show the more I have no idea what the kids are into these days. Wtf is Jingle Jangle? And is that the drug Bella Thorne’s been on this whole time?

Bella Thorne Christmas

It’s all starting to make sense…

I was wondering when they were going to address the fact that Mrs. Grundy was dead. I guess news spreads fast in Riverdale, even if you’re a disgraced teacher who fled town and her underage boyfriend.

The look on Archie’s face rn when the teacher mentions Archie might have been one of Mrs. Grundy’s students is priceless. Like, yeah, student, lover, person she banged on the piano once. Whatever title you want to give it, sir.

Jughead goes to find The Serpents’ lawyer, and her office is located in a tattoo parlor. Seems legit. Okay, I knew this bitch was no Rafael Barba or anything, but like, does she really think the best, most effective legal strategy for FP’s release is to depend on Cheryl’s forgiveness? Cheryl Blossom, aka the girl who jumped into a frozen lake and burned her family home to the ground just to teach her mother a lesson? That Cheryl?

Cheryl Riverdale

Lol, good luck with that.

Is anyone else getting some weird cougar vibes from this lawyer woman rn?

PENNY PEABODY, AAL: No need to pay me, Juggy. We’re friends. I do you a favor, you do me a favor.


Emma Roberts

All I have to say is she better not get in between me and my relationship Betty and Jughead. I Betty just can’t take that kind of emotional rejection rn.

Mrs. Cooper is looking into the Mrs. Grundy thing, because on top of being a homemaker and professional shade thrower, she apparently has the license to investigate every person in the greater state of New York. K.

Wowww. Veronica is not afraid to start some shit at the dinner table. It’s honestly inspiring. Will channel her energy during Thanksgiving.

Wait. HOLD UP. Hermione wrote that letter pretending to be Hiram in prison, threatening herself?? That is savage AF. Tbh, I’ve never felt more inspired at home disturbed by all these vindictive psychos living in Riverdale. 

Meanwhile, Jughead and Betty are headed to talk Cheryl into forgiving FP.

Hobo Riverdale

Yeah, I bet this goes really well for them. *turns up volume*

Okay, what is this second manor Cheryl managed to dig up after she burned her old one down? I can barely afford a bedroom with a closet, and this bitch has an extra mansion just lying around. Seriously, how much money does this maple syrup dynasty bring in?? Also, Mrs. Blossom is out of the ICU? Is two days in the hospital pretty standard for someone who’s covered in third degree burns? Is it?

JUGHEAD: Do you think you guys could show some leniency towards my dad, since technically, your dad murdered Jason, and all mine did was move the body?


Scream Queens Chanel

Well, that went about as well as to be expected. And of course, Jughead and Betty’s immediate reaction is to blackmail and extort a newly widowed woman and her grieving daughter. Again, I feel so at home here.

Elsewhere, Archie is still a dumbass tackles Reggie for being sketchy AF and honestly, Archie’s not wrong (for once). I mean, who wears a SKI MASK to deliver drugs? That’s fucking terrifying.

Wow, Archie is really taking this whole Mrs. Grundy thing to heart, isn’t he? I’ve been watching him slowly unravel all episode long, and all I can think is: sooo watching video footage of your classmate’s murder, accidentally helping the police put your best friend’s dad in prison, and rescuing a girl from an icy death doesn’t make you completely lose your shit, but hearing about what your ex has been up to lately does? Honestly, the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on this screen.

Betty takes it upon herself to blackmail Cheryl into testifying on FP’s behalf, and I can pay attention to none of it, because I’m distracted by the fact that high school sophomores have better hair, lives, and underwear than me. *sips more wine*

Archie goes to the police station to tell the sheriff his theory on who attacked his dad and murdered Mrs. Grundy, and it’s actually pretty valid. He thinks Geraldine’s ex-husband found out about her fucking her underage students, shot Archie’s dad for revenge, and killed Mrs. Grundy in a fit of rage. Honestly, I’m impressed. I mean, Archie can barely remember what girl he likes each episode, and he just came up with that conspiracy theory all on his own. But, because this is Riverdale and the adults are a bunch of beautiful morons, the sheriff just looks at him like he’s insane.


^^Actual footage of Archie at the police station trying to make sense of his life

Cheryl gives an Oscar-worthy performance in court, and things are actually looking up for FP. But again, it’s like the writers have not seen one single episode of SVU. You’d think the judge would just dismiss all charges after a 17-year-old girl’s testimony? No one’s going to fact check this statement?? Where the fuck is Olivia Benson when you need her?

Well, it looks like this last-minute charity event thrown by high schoolers is pretty fucking lit. What bright futures they have as philanthropy chairs in their sororities.

Wait, why are they down a Pussy Cat? Wtf happened to Val? Why are all of Archie’s women disappearing?? (And low-key, how is he getting this to happen? Asking for a friend…)

WTF, CHERYL SINGS TOO?? Y’all, we aren’t worthy.

Archie is having a fucking meltdown at Pop’s and keeps flashing back to the shooting. Meanwhile, Veronica just called him “Daddy-O” and is trying to shove cheeseburgers down his throat. She’s so good in a crisis.

Archie and Veronica

OH. SHIT. Hiram did write that letter! He’s such a lying piece of fine Spanish ass that I am still 100 percent into. Just saying.

FP calls Jughead to tell him he fucked up by getting advice from Penny Peabody, aka “The Snake Charmer,” and like, fucking duh he did.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Archie bought a gun? The boy can barely be trusted with his guitar, and the writers of this show think it’s okay to give him a gun

The episode ends with Moose and that girl, who looks suspiciously like Kevin, making out in the backseat of his car after taking a heavy dose of what appears to be the children’s candy pixie sticks Jingle Jangle (Really? We’re still sticking with that name?).

OMG. Did that masked man just kill Moose?! And Girl Who Looks Like Kevin?? AND THAT’S HOW THIS SHIT ENDS? K. If you need me I’ll just be taking deep, calming breaths into a paper bag, as I anxiously await next week’s episode.