‘Riverdale’ Recap: Archie Has The Physique Of A 1970s Porn Star

Missed last week’s recap? Catch it right fucking here.

Well this week’s episode of Riverdale was about as riveting as watching paint dry. Thanks for that, CW. I’m only a loyal viewer who tunes in week after week in the hopes that Jughead and Betty will do it I get to see more drama than when Kayla in marketing realizes someone ate her yogurt in the fridge EVEN THOUGH IT HAS HER NAME WRITTEN RIGHT THERE, PEOPLE. But by all means, produce a garbage episode in which the most exciting thing that happens is I get to see a flash of Archie’s nipple. K. Shall we dive into the episode then?

I love how Veronica just gets to sit in on mayoral meetings and shady business dealings now and none of the other parents present even seem the least bit concerned by this. They’re all gathered around talking about town politics and Veronica is just like “may I chime in?” And it’s like, yes, if they wanted advice on how to dissect a fuckboy’s texts then maybe they’d ask for you to “chime in” here, but in the meantime go back to homeroom, Veronica.

Cut to the Coopers who are just trying to have nice pancake breakfast while Chic tells them all about the prostitution ring he’s a part of. Their reaction is similar to when my parents heard/saw photographic evidence of what my sorority mixers were actually like in college, but that’s neither here nor there.

Also, let’s talk about the name Chic for a second please. Honey. Baby. Sweetie. You don’t have to keep the name the Johns give you in real life. Just go by Charlie.

So, what do we think Jughead researching his “oral history” with Toni really means? Cause I highly doubt it involves grandpas or history like they keep trying to emphasize.

Archie decides to join the wrestling team to impress Hiram Lodge because he finds Hiram v intimidating. Isn’t it odd that Hiram and Lodge Industries are supposed to be this big bad business, but it’s actually just one little former soap opera star sitting behind a big desk rubbing his hands together and giggling?

I mean, the whole wrestling plan does seem a bit far-fetched since Hiram isn’t a six year old, but I am totally on board for Archie speaking minimally and only wearing a tight spandex onesie for an entire episode. I’m glad The CW finally understands how to play to his character strengths.

Meanwhile, Kevin casually remembers that Chic is a video gigolo, which I guess means he discovered the internet and realized he didn’t have to troll for dudes in the forest anymore? Progress. Also, why is Betty acting like Chic’s career as a man of the evening is so fucking surprising? Like, didn’t he tell her when she found him with a video camera in a seedy motel room that his line of work was “wish fulfillment?” What did you think he meant by that, Betty? Because I was thinking he meant those wishes involved other dudes’ dicks.

Okay why are only half the guys at this tryout wearing a singlet? And why is it only the hot ones with speaking parts? What kind of subliminal messaging are you trying to force upon me, CW??

KEVIN: Archie has the physique of a 1970s porn star, but he can’t wrestle for shit.

God bless you, Kevin, and your one liners.

Ugh why are the only scenes that include Jughead and Betty anymore about them talking about genocide? I mean, is it horrible that the Blossoms massacred the Serpents in Training Ukenta back in the day? Yes. But is it equally horrible that I haven’t seen Jughead dry hump on a kitchen counter since last season? Also yes! Why doesn’t the CW want me to have nice things?

HAHA listening to Hiram emasculate Archie in front of Veronica is everything. Also, is it just me, or was there a strong subtext of impotence happening throughout that entire scene?

HIRAM: The thought of you two in her bedroom alone used to make me nervous but now that I’ve seen how you *perform* under pressure I’m not nervous anymore.


The longer Toni hangs out in this town the more I’m into her. Jughead is like, trying to publish an entry in his burn book write an exposé on the injustices behind the Pickens Day celebrations. He shows it to Toni and she’s like “isn’t this a little bit… dramatic?” And it’s like, YES GIRL, it’s pettier than my college group chat.

Why is Betty talking to her brother about the “darkness in her?” Is she referring to the Dark Betty wig thing? Or the public pole dancing thing? And why is this whole conversation giving me weird sib-cest vibes?

BETTY: There’s a darkness inside me, Chic. Do you want me to show you?


We’re three seconds into Hiram privately coaching Archie and I already have a feeling this will turn into a deleted scene of Training Day v soon. Also, I have no idea why Archie’s trying so hard to impress Veronica’s dad. It’s clear she could give a shit what Hiram thinks, and also Archie has banged his daughter on every surface of that apartment so it’s not like Hiram actually has a leg to stand on here.

Okay this Chuck vs. Archie wrestling scene is actually super hot more homoerotic than Archie’s Red Hood videos.

Pickens Day is finally here and Hal is making a fucking scene about Chic being there. He’s like, “do you know what this guy does with his clients??” And it’s like yes, I understand what wish fulfillment means, unlike the rest of you morons.

Also, Hal’s totally not Chic’s dad. If that “you know why he can’t stay here” comment means anything it’s that Alice was a hoe stepped out on him.

Wait, did Mrs. Blossom just proposition Hal? 3.5 seconds after he gave that high and mighty speech about not standing for prostitutes living under his roof? And is he accepting?? The hypocrisy of white middle aged men knows no bounds.

The Serpents crash the parade with a protest but Hiram shuts that shit down immediately. Tbh he really missed his calling in life because he would have done great things as a chapter president of a sorority. Great. Things.

Did Betty just ask her brother to help her become a cam girl?? DID SHE? Betty, I know you’ve had a strange childhood but that shit isn’t acceptable. There are things you can do with your siblings but one of those things is not starting an internet porn career. Alice, get your house in order!

Hiram offers Archie a position at his company because what’s one more 16-year-old on the company payroll, amiright?

The episode ends with the beheading… of a statue. That’s the big dramatic moment The CW decided was worth ending an episode on: a headless statue. *takes deep, calming breaths* All I have to say is, next week I better see some actual fucking entertainment happening or I will bitch to no one but my TV screen NOT be pleased. CW, you’ve been warned…

Images: The CW

‘Riverdale’ Recap: I’m An Unwed Mother Carrying My Cousin’s Babies

Well, fam, as I write this it is Wednesday, which means I’ve spent the last 7 days trying to google wtf Jingle Jangle is and if Bella Thorne has been taking it all this time. Between her slutty Santa phase and the pounds of body glitter she slathers on her body on a daily basis, the evidence is pretty damning. So, yeah, I’ve been v busy this week. I’ve also been trying to wrap my head around the fact that we’ve seen Archie and Veronica dry hump each other every time a loved one is dying (so pretty much every episode) and we have yet to see Cole Sprouse take his shirt off connect with Betty. So yeah, I’ve got high expectations for this episode, though I’m sure The CW will find a way to dick me around for one more week. Can’t wait to be disappointed. Shall we get started?

Why is Kevin running around the woods looking sketchy AF? Can at least one of these high school kids not act so fucking reckless? Wait. Is he looking to get laid? In the woods? Seriously, do these kids not have cars to make out in? Like, their parents can afford to buy them all singing careers but not a used car? Please.

Kev discovers Moose and Girl Who Looks Like Kevin in the aftermath of the shooting. (Side note: I’m sure she has a real name but I don’t remember it and it’s either I call her Girl Who Looks Like Kevin or Girl With Unfortunate Haircut so that’s where we’re at rn). No one is actually hurt, even though they were both shot point blank, because this is Riverdale and the laws of physics cease to exist here. Fine. Whatever. Though Moose is apparently injured enough to go to the hospital, so that’s something at least.

Football practice is cancelled by Reggie, who is not the team captain, nor is he the coach. It’s unclear how he has any authority over this crowd. Reggie is just like, “Moose got shot, isn’t that insane??” And, no, not really. He was hopped up on Jingle Jangle in a deserted locale in the middle of the night. Sounds about how I imagined his night would go.

Meanwhile, Archie is making this all about him freaking the fuck out. He’s like, this close to buying red string and creating a murder wall in his fucking bedroom.

Pepe Silvia

ARCHIE: Everyone is dying around us!

VERONICA: Guys I think you’re missing the point here, The Bachelorette is back on so…

At least someone’s got their priorities straight.

Veronica invites them all to her house to meet her father, and nothing could go wrong with this plan. Nope.

Kevin finally admits that he was “cruising” the forest for guys at 2am because it seems “safer” than Grindr. I would argue his point, but I’ve been on Tinder and agree that it is safer to meet a stranger in the bushes than converse with the human trash bags who match with me online.

Elsewhere, Jughead is acclimating to South Side High, even though it’s unclear if he’s even been officially enrolled there yet. Like, he doesn’t even go here, does he? Also, is it just me or does his peer mentor look like a cross between Mona from PLL and an extra from Step Up 2: The Streets?

Toni Topaz

Tell me you haven’t seen this girl front in center in the crowd during the dance-off sequence?? Honestly, the resemblance is uncanny.

Toni Topez aka Mona aka the extra from Step Up 2 casually points out the illicit drug use happening in the hallway, which seems extra even for the South Side. I mean, I get that this is supposed to be the “bad” part of town or whatever, but I do not buy for one fucking second that you’re allowed to just do drugs out in the open like that, three feet from the security guard who, seconds earlier, made Jughead go through the metal detector a second time because his beanie looked weird. Come on. 

Archie is fucking unraveling at Veronica’s dinner. Like, all the girl wanted to do was have a nice night shit talking and watching The Bachelorette and you have to bring up murder? Can she live? I will say Archie is making all sorts of great points about Riverdale PD, though.

ARCHIE: It’s like no one cares about this shooter, and we had to solve the last murder that happened in this town!

VERONICA: What did I just say about The Bachelorette?

Hiram Lodge is looking at Archie like he does not understand how Archie and his fitted cardigan won over his daughter, and I’m like, but have you seen his abs?


This gif will never get old for me, tbh.

Hiram invites Archie over for another dinner to discuss how Archie plans to “save Riverdale.” Archie practically jizzes his pants at the mere thought of someone being interested in his wild conspiracy theories, and Hiram really shouldn’t humor him like this. Can’t he tell the boy is unhinged?

Lol, did Veronica’s mother just tell her to stop being so thirsty? God, I love this town.

Jesus Christ. Is Archie’s plan to protect Riverdale really to just gather all the people in town with the biggest steroid abuse problems and rile them up? Because that seems foolproof. Archie goes on and on about how they need to watch over Riverdale and watch out for their friends and just generally be Riverdale’s watch dogs.

REGGIE: So we’ll be called The Watch Dogs, then?

ARCHIE: *disgusted* No, Reggie, have you even been listening?! We’ll be called the Red Circle.


Wizard of Oz

I mean, who does Archie think he is, Harry Potter? This isn’t Dumbledore’s army! Can you please just fucking go to class and stop with the wannabe detective work? I beg of you.

Betty confronts Kevin about what he was doing in the woods and is low-key slut shaming him before history class. She’s like that annoying friend who refuses to let me her drunk friend make out with a guy at the bar wearing a Vineyard Vines vest and a shirt with a frocket. Fucking rude.

Mrs. Cooper receives a letter from The Black Hood (lol) detailing how he killed everyone. Along with the note she finds Fred Andrews’ wallet and Ms. Grundy’s pedo glasses, so I guess it’s legit. Tbh, this is less alarming to me than Mrs. Cooper’s reaction to having a SERIAL KILLER send her his personal effects to her home address. She’s giddy at the prospect of being pen pals with a mass murderer, and I’m just like, but he knows where you live though?

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 3

Meanwhile, back on the South Side, Jughead has a run in with the The Serpents gang leader, the teen edition, and his name is Sweet Pea and he wears a cutoff jean jacket. Let’s just let that sink for a minute, k?

SWEET PEA: You’re going to want my protection.

JUGHEAD: *takes in jean-on-jean ensemble* Hard pass, bro.

Okay, since when is Polly back? Has she been banished to the attic this entire time? The killer mentioned that he’s only going after sinners, and Polly is just like, “Yeah, I need to get the fuck out of town then.”

MRS. COOPER: Why do you think you’re a sinner though?

POLLY: Let me just count the ways.

Honestly, she’s not wrong here. She is, in fact, an unwed mother, pregnant by her cousin. She’s 100 percent on that list. It’s really amazing he hasn’t paid her a visit sooner.


Well that, and more purely incest.

Kevin pays a visit to Moose at the hospital, which would be cute if he wasn’t, like, interrogating him about about Moose’s new side piece, while he casually recovers from a bullet wound. It’s nice to know that there are others like me out there. Sighs.

KEVIN: But what do you see in Midge?

MOOSE: Well…

Riverdale Comparison

Ah, yes. It’s all becoming v v clear now.

The way Veronica can threaten her mother while casually polishing the family silver is v inspiring. Somehow, challenging your mother to admit she’s wrong in her own damn home never actually worked for me in high school? Will take notes for the future.

Betty goes to drop off some coffee to Jughead, because he’s working late at the Red & Black, which I hope is Betty’s weird way of instigating a booty call. I better see these two get to second base this episode, or so help me I’ll have to take drastic measures continue to watch new episodes every week. It’s the literal least The CW could do for me, considering that they continue to fuck me and my nonexistent cable subscription over every single week, when I try and stream this shit live.

Toni Topaz walks in on the makeout sesh, and I could cut her. CAN’T YOU SEE THEY’RE BUSY? GOD. This is clearly The CW’s attempt to drive a wedge between Jughead and Betty, and it won’t fucking work. Toni, you need to take your Dollar General coffee pot and your Ariana Grande hair back to the Serpents and GTFO.

Lol, Cheryl judging Kevin for trying to find some dick in the woods is me every time I go out with my friends. I knew I liked that girl.

Meanwhile, Ethel is walking along the side of the road in the dark, as one does. Seriously, did the parents in this community not warn them of the dangers of walking alone at night? Do they not have access to Lifetime movies in this fucking town? And of course the creepiest van known to man starts following her.

Run Bitch

Oh, but don’t worry, y’all, she called Archie for help! This should be good. Archie rushes over just in time, because thankfully, The Black Hood (again, lol) spares her, unlike the demagorgon, so I guess we finally have #JusticeForBarb.

Watching Jughead navigate through South Side High at night is like watching an episode of Prison Break. Like, we get it, Riverdale writers, the South Side is dangerous. You’ve really driven that point home. Thx.

OH SHIT. Did Jughead just get jumped in the hallway? This really is like an episode of Prison Break except with way more denim.

Meanwhile, everyone keeps warning Archie about Hiram and Archie is just like, “But he said he likes my conspiracy theories, so?”

This dinner is so fucking awkward. Archie cannot stop talking about his little red circle fake police force, and Hiram is just like, “I have a rum collection and I’m about to use it.”


^^Actual footage of Hiram Lodge at this dinner.

Drunk Hermione is my favorite. She legit can’t stop rolling her eyes at her husband and chugging wine every time he opens his mouth to speak words. Her shade throwing is a work of art.

Okay, HOW many rooms does this apartment have? Aren’t the Lodge’s supposed to be destitute? They have a fucking sitting room, and meanwhile I feel blessed that my NYC apartment has a microwave. It’s similar but different.

Hiram keeps talking about how Archie needs to go on the offensive and use fear and terror as his weapons, but does he realize that he’s talking to Archie Andrews here? He’s beautiful but has the common sense of a goldfish.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 3

Anddd we’re back to Kevin in the woods. I understand that this is what he feels like he has to do to get laid, but also how many times a day does he feel the need to “go for a run”? And how well known is it that gay guys go “running” in the woods for hookups? This isn’t the 1970s, Kevin! You don’t even need Grindr. You can just slide into someone’s DMs on Instagram like everyone else does!

Does anyone else feel like Kevin approaching this man in the car feels very much like prostitution and not at all like a fun hookup? Nervous for him. And apparently I have a right to be, because this dude is fucking terrifying with those threats. Well, that was certainly a close call for Kev.

So now Veronica is going to be involved in Hiram’s business dealings and no one seems concerned that she’s only a sophomore. Doesn’t have a license, but is running company board meetings. Seems accurate.

Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Wtf am I watching rn with this Red Circle fear campaign video? Why is everyone shirtless? And why does this look more like the start of an amateur porno than a threatening message? As if the carefully sculpted abs you got from your high school gym are going to scare off a cold-blooded murderer unafraid of using a cello bow as a weapon. AS IF. 

Red Circle Riverdale

Jesus. Ohhhh I can’t wait for next week’s episode. Should be lit.