Well, fam, as I write this it is Wednesday, which means I’ve spent the last 7 days trying to google wtf Jingle Jangle is and if Bella Thorne has been taking it all this time. Between her slutty Santa phase and the pounds of body glitter she slathers on her body on a daily basis, the evidence is pretty damning. So, yeah, I’ve been v busy this week. I’ve also been trying to wrap my head around the fact that we’ve seen Archie and Veronica dry hump each other every time a loved one is dying (so pretty much every episode) and we have yet to see Cole Sprouse take his shirt off connect with Betty. So yeah, I’ve got high expectations for this episode, though I’m sure The CW will find a way to dick me around for one more week. Can’t wait to be disappointed. Shall we get started?

Why is Kevin running around the woods looking sketchy AF? Can at least one of these high school kids not act so fucking reckless? Wait. Is he looking to get laid? In the woods? Seriously, do these kids not have cars to make out in? Like, their parents can afford to buy them all singing careers but not a used car? Please.

Kev discovers Moose and Girl Who Looks Like Kevin in the aftermath of the shooting. (Side note: I’m sure she has a real name but I don’t remember it and it’s either I call her Girl Who Looks Like Kevin or Girl With Unfortunate Haircut so that’s where we’re at rn). No one is actually hurt, even though they were both shot point blank, because this is Riverdale and the laws of physics cease to exist here. Fine. Whatever. Though Moose is apparently injured enough to go to the hospital, so that’s something at least.

Football practice is cancelled by Reggie, who is not the team captain, nor is he the coach. It’s unclear how he has any authority over this crowd. Reggie is just like, “Moose got shot, isn’t that insane??” And, no, not really. He was hopped up on Jingle Jangle in a deserted locale in the middle of the night. Sounds about how I imagined his night would go.

Meanwhile, Archie is making this all about him freaking the fuck out. He’s like, this close to buying red string and creating a murder wall in his fucking bedroom.

ARCHIE: Everyone is dying around us!

VERONICA: Guys I think you’re missing the point here, The Bachelorette is back on so…

At least someone’s got their priorities straight.

Veronica invites them all to her house to meet her father, and nothing could go wrong with this plan. Nope.

Kevin finally admits that he was “cruising” the forest for guys at 2am because it seems “safer” than Grindr. I would argue his point, but I’ve been on Tinder and agree that it is safer to meet a stranger in the bushes than converse with the human trash bags who match with me online.

Elsewhere, Jughead is acclimating to South Side High, even though it’s unclear if he’s even been officially enrolled there yet. Like, he doesn’t even go here, does he? Also, is it just me or does his peer mentor look like a cross between Mona from PLL and an extra from Step Up 2: The Streets?

Tell me you haven’t seen this girl front in center in the crowd during the dance-off sequence?? Honestly, the resemblance is uncanny.

Toni Topez aka Mona aka the extra from Step Up 2 casually points out the illicit drug use happening in the hallway, which seems extra even for the South Side. I mean, I get that this is supposed to be the “bad” part of town or whatever, but I do not buy for one fucking second that you’re allowed to just do drugs out in the open like that, three feet from the security guard who, seconds earlier, made Jughead go through the metal detector a second time because his beanie looked weird. Come on. 

Archie is fucking unraveling at Veronica’s dinner. Like, all the girl wanted to do was have a nice night shit talking and watching The Bachelorette and you have to bring up murder? Can she live? I will say Archie is making all sorts of great points about Riverdale PD, though.

ARCHIE: It’s like no one cares about this shooter, and we had to solve the last murder that happened in this town!

VERONICA: What did I just say about The Bachelorette?

Hiram Lodge is looking at Archie like he does not understand how Archie and his fitted cardigan won over his daughter, and I’m like, but have you seen his abs?

This gif will never get old for me, tbh.

Hiram invites Archie over for another dinner to discuss how Archie plans to “save Riverdale.” Archie practically jizzes his pants at the mere thought of someone being interested in his wild conspiracy theories, and Hiram really shouldn’t humor him like this. Can’t he tell the boy is unhinged?

Lol, did Veronica’s mother just tell her to stop being so thirsty? God, I love this town.

Jesus Christ. Is Archie’s plan to protect Riverdale really to just gather all the people in town with the biggest steroid abuse problems and rile them up? Because that seems foolproof. Archie goes on and on about how they need to watch over Riverdale and watch out for their friends and just generally be Riverdale’s watch dogs.

REGGIE: So we’ll be called The Watch Dogs, then?

ARCHIE: *disgusted* No, Reggie, have you even been listening?! We’ll be called the Red Circle.

ME:

I mean, who does Archie think he is, Harry Potter? This isn’t Dumbledore’s army! Can you please just fucking go to class and stop with the wannabe detective work? I beg of you.

Betty confronts Kevin about what he was doing in the woods and is low-key slut shaming him before history class. She’s like that annoying friend who refuses to let me her drunk friend make out with a guy at the bar wearing a Vineyard Vines vest and a shirt with a frocket. Fucking rude.

Mrs. Cooper receives a letter from The Black Hood (lol) detailing how he killed everyone. Along with the note she finds Fred Andrews’ wallet and Ms. Grundy’s pedo glasses, so I guess it’s legit. Tbh, this is less alarming to me than Mrs. Cooper’s reaction to having a SERIAL KILLER send her his personal effects to her home address. She’s giddy at the prospect of being pen pals with a mass murderer, and I’m just like, but he knows where you live though?

Meanwhile, back on the South Side, Jughead has a run in with the The Serpents gang leader, the teen edition, and his name is Sweet Pea and he wears a cutoff jean jacket. Let’s just let that sink for a minute, k?

SWEET PEA: You’re going to want my protection.

JUGHEAD: *takes in jean-on-jean ensemble* Hard pass, bro.

Okay, since when is Polly back? Has she been banished to the attic this entire time? The killer mentioned that he’s only going after sinners, and Polly is just like, “Yeah, I need to get the fuck out of town then.”

MRS. COOPER: Why do you think you’re a sinner though?

POLLY: Let me just count the ways.

Honestly, she’s not wrong here. She is, in fact, an unwed mother, pregnant by her cousin. She’s 100 percent on that list. It’s really amazing he hasn’t paid her a visit sooner.

Well that, and more purely incest.

Kevin pays a visit to Moose at the hospital, which would be cute if he wasn’t, like, interrogating him about about Moose’s new side piece, while he casually recovers from a bullet wound. It’s nice to know that there are others like me out there. Sighs.

KEVIN: But what do you see in Midge?

MOOSE: Well…

Ah, yes. It’s all becoming v v clear now.

The way Veronica can threaten her mother while casually polishing the family silver is v inspiring. Somehow, challenging your mother to admit she’s wrong in her own damn home never actually worked for me in high school? Will take notes for the future.

Betty goes to drop off some coffee to Jughead, because he’s working late at the Red & Black, which I hope is Betty’s weird way of instigating a booty call. I better see these two get to second base this episode, or so help me I’ll have to take drastic measures continue to watch new episodes every week. It’s the literal least The CW could do for me, considering that they continue to fuck me and my nonexistent cable subscription over every single week, when I try and stream this shit live.

Toni Topaz walks in on the makeout sesh, and I could cut her. CAN’T YOU SEE THEY’RE BUSY? GOD. This is clearly The CW’s attempt to drive a wedge between Jughead and Betty, and it won’t fucking work. Toni, you need to take your Dollar General coffee pot and your Ariana Grande hair back to the Serpents and GTFO.

Lol, Cheryl judging Kevin for trying to find some dick in the woods is me every time I go out with my friends. I knew I liked that girl.

Meanwhile, Ethel is walking along the side of the road in the dark, as one does. Seriously, did the parents in this community not warn them of the dangers of walking alone at night? Do they not have access to Lifetime movies in this fucking town? And of course the creepiest van known to man starts following her.

Oh, but don’t worry, y’all, she called Archie for help! This should be good. Archie rushes over just in time, because thankfully, The Black Hood (again, lol) spares her, unlike the demagorgon, so I guess we finally have #JusticeForBarb.

Watching Jughead navigate through South Side High at night is like watching an episode of Prison Break. Like, we get it, Riverdale writers, the South Side is dangerous. You’ve really driven that point home. Thx.

OH SHIT. Did Jughead just get jumped in the hallway? This really is like an episode of Prison Break except with way more denim.

Meanwhile, everyone keeps warning Archie about Hiram and Archie is just like, “But he said he likes my conspiracy theories, so?”

This dinner is so fucking awkward. Archie cannot stop talking about his little red circle fake police force, and Hiram is just like, “I have a rum collection and I’m about to use it.”

^^Actual footage of Hiram Lodge at this dinner.

Drunk Hermione is my favorite. She legit can’t stop rolling her eyes at her husband and chugging wine every time he opens his mouth to speak words. Her shade throwing is a work of art.

Okay, HOW many rooms does this apartment have? Aren’t the Lodge’s supposed to be destitute? They have a fucking sitting room, and meanwhile I feel blessed that my NYC apartment has a microwave. It’s similar but different.

Hiram keeps talking about how Archie needs to go on the offensive and use fear and terror as his weapons, but does he realize that he’s talking to Archie Andrews here? He’s beautiful but has the common sense of a goldfish.

Anddd we’re back to Kevin in the woods. I understand that this is what he feels like he has to do to get laid, but also how many times a day does he feel the need to “go for a run”? And how well known is it that gay guys go “running” in the woods for hookups? This isn’t the 1970s, Kevin! You don’t even need Grindr. You can just slide into someone’s DMs on Instagram like everyone else does!

Does anyone else feel like Kevin approaching this man in the car feels very much like prostitution and not at all like a fun hookup? Nervous for him. And apparently I have a right to be, because this dude is fucking terrifying with those threats. Well, that was certainly a close call for Kev.

So now Veronica is going to be involved in Hiram’s business dealings and no one seems concerned that she’s only a sophomore. Doesn’t have a license, but is running company board meetings. Seems accurate.

Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Wtf am I watching rn with this Red Circle fear campaign video? Why is everyone shirtless? And why does this look more like the start of an amateur porno than a threatening message? As if the carefully sculpted abs you got from your high school gym are going to scare off a cold-blooded murderer unafraid of using a cello bow as a weapon. AS IF. 

Jesus. Ohhhh I can’t wait for next week’s episode. Should be lit.