It’s the first part of the Season 9 reunion of Real Housewives of New York City, and for those of you who don’t watch Real Housewives religiously (how dare you), that means it’s finally the episode where they all kind of have to admit the shit we’ve been saying about them all season. It’s kind of a Bravo tradition that the first installment of a reunion is never the most exciting one, but everyone was super annoying this season, so there’s sure to be tons of brutal callouts. Plus, the reunion is at the Angel Orensanz Foundation, which might be the sickest venue that a Housewives reunion has ever had. So like, if you get bored, just look at the nice décor. Idk.
Although reunions are generally a time in which the cast is supposed to show some level of remorse for an entire season’s worth of heinous actions, I’d just like to point out that Tinsley is clearly rocking a “NO RAGRETS” attitude towards her constantly criticized horrible style. Homegirl’s dressed like the damn teapot from Beauty and the Beast.
Ramona is the first one to take the hot seat. (Which, again, if you’re new to Housewives reunions, isn’t an actual seat. The couch seating plan is basically as carefully thought-out and rigid as the cafeteria layout in Mean Girls.) Although this betch is certifiably crazy, you have to admit that she looks totally incredible. *Lindsay Lohan voice* I mean, everybody looks great tonight. Look at Ramona Singer, that dress is amazing and those hair extensions must have cost thousands.
Anyway, Ramona’s like, perfect proof that looks aren’t everything, because her highlight reel is cringeworthy AF. She basically has to sit on a couch with six other women and watch video footage of them talking shit about her. Yikes. At least Ramona can agree that she was totally batshit all season, though.
Ramona: Seeing it on TV, it’s like, holy shit, who is that woman?
Next Ramona addresses her plastic surgery history and talks about how she’s had her eyelids done, laser sunspot treatment and a boob job. But like, there’s got to be some drug that’s only legal in the Southern Hemisphere, or something, because this chick does not look 60.
Ramona claims that she’s definitely not as bad as she looked all season, but Bethenny is obviously here with some serious tea. She calls out Ramona for not acknowledging her assistant in an elevator the night before the reunion taping and before B can even finish detailing the run-in, Ramona’s immediately like, “well, when you grow up abused!!” Bethenny goes off on her and I am thanking the Bravo gods that the peaceful makeup between these two didn’t last. This shit is way more entertaining.
Ramona: Well, why didn’t they say hi to me?
Bethenny: They were INTIMIDATED! You got your tits hanging out! Your crazy eyes! You’re a horror show!
While Bethenny is on a roll of going off on people, Andy asks her if she’d ever be interested in opening a friendship with Jill Zarin. Skinny Girl is not fucking having it. She calls Andy out for asking her the same question literally every Watch What Happens Live, Hanukkah, birthday, anniversary, and reunion and he just like, switches questions.
Side note: Every single Housewife is in a relationship right now. So yes, girls, you, too can grow up to blackout on every possible occasion and still find love. Bless up.
Next up on the chopping board is Dorinda, who was totally my favorite this season. (I know that journalists are supposed to be like, objective or whatever, but if the New York Times is allowed to straight-up be like “Yo, FUCK Trump,” then I think it’s okay for me to say Dorinda is my favorite, right?)
I kind of forgot about the fact that a big chunk of Dorinda’s storyline this season was focused on her feud with Sonja, because it was so effing boring. However, I’m pretty glad we got to see the “CLIP! CLIP! CLIP!” clip again, because it’s definitely a phrase that is going to go down in Housewives history.
Dorinda tries to explain what that actually meant, but the truth is that it was basically just nonsensical, drunk word vomit.
Dorinda: I couldn’t stop the verbal waterboarding.
Dorinda had some pretty legendary one-liners this season, including referring to Sonja’s vagina as the Holland Tunnel. LOL. Sonja starts to try to defend her Holland Tunnel, but everyone cuts her off because we all know there’s really no point in that.
A viewer sends in a question asking Dorinda if she finds it hypocritical that she always calls Sonja out for being drunk all of the time, even though she is usually so smashed herself that she needs subtitles. Dorinda’s just like, “nah, I don’t pretend that I don’t love to drink, like Sonja does.” And, THAT, my friends, is why she is my favorite Housewife this season.
The final Housewife to get roasted this episode is Luann, and I’m actually concerned that I might have pulled an extraocular muscle rolling my eyes during this part. She basically just goes on her typical marital bliss rant, which is just so sad to watch because we all know that she just recently announced that she’s divorcing Tom.
Luann: Right now, I like being Luann D’Agostino
Literally everyone else: Um… right now? Not forever?
BTW, apparently Luann is wearing the dress from her wedding rehearsal dinner.
It’s finally revealed that Sonja did in fact receive a save the date to Luann’s wedding, but then she started talking shit in the press about good ol’ Lu, and the former Countess held back the real wedding invitation. So, even though Sonja is totally nuts, she wasn’t lying about the fact that she technically was invited to the wedding.
Andy: Has anyone heard anything about Luann and Tom since they got married?
Everyone goes silent. Lol, yikes.
Bethenny goes off on a tangent about how talking about Tom’s “indiscretions” is basically as pointless as talking about Trump’s tweets, which is a pretty valid point.
As far as the first part of reunions go, this one wasn’t totally horrible, I guess.
So, Real Housewives of New York City is still on a tequila binge in Tequila, Mexico and if you haven’t watched this episode yet, I’d highly recommend it. It will definitely make you feel better about every questionable decision you’ve ever made.
Anyway, the episode starts out with everyone talking about their boobs, which then results in everyone being naked and running around.
Carole: I bare my boobs for art. The rest of the girls bare their boobs for tequila. PS, I have the best boobs of the group. They’re real.
Ramona and Bethenny have a nice moment in the pool.
Ramona: I really like you
Bethenny: I’m a pretty cool person
Ramona: But I feel like you don’t like me
Bethenny: Well, I don’t like you right now
The conversation then turns back to the comments Ramona made about Bethenny being naked in the press and how that must have affected B’s daughter, Brynn. I would just like to note that Bethenny is literally ass naked during this conversation.
On the other side of the pool, Dorinda is trying to get a pants-less Sonja dressed.
Dorinda: It’s literally like trying to put a bikini on a piece of spaghetti.
Anyway, back to Bethenny and Ramona. They’re literally screaming (slurring) and crying in the pool and there are little nude-colored pixel square censors over Bethenny’s boobs. I actually feel like I’m watching two Sims fight right now. The conversation ends with them making up, but we all know they’ll end up picking another fight soon.
Sonja’s still super drunk and asks Bethenny if she’ll have sex with her, but B isn’t down.
Bethenny: I’m sorry. You’re barking up the wrong vagina.
Bethenny is the first one at dinner again and she’s pissed because she always shows up late to shit and is still somehow the first one there. SAME, B.
Obviously, everyone’s been blacked out for a few days, so there are like, five separate arguments brewing. Dorinda starts yelling at Bethenny and so Bethenny and Tinsley start running around her and it’s just a mess of slurring and dancing. It’s truly beautiful.
Then, in the middle of Tinsley apologizing to Ramona (apparently this is just the episode where everyone’s going to black out and apologize like a bunch of drunk girls in a club bathroom becoming best friends), the women start to hear fireworks and all immediately stop their conversations and run outside to stand under the fireworks and scream. However, during the fireworks, Dorinda is concerned because she cut her hand.
Dorinda: I cut my hand off.
Bethenny: Do not give me a psychoanalysis.
Dorinda: I gave you a psychoanalysis about your life?
Bethenny: I keep getting into fights with these wasted blondes. It’s like, they have all this resentment about my success.
Is this just like, a giant war between blondes and brunettes? Isn’t that what Gossip Girl was for? Didn’t Serena and Blair teach us that party girl blondes and power-hungry brunettes all have their own great qualities and don’t need to compete with one another? Like, hello, this is 2017! Women don’t need to be competing with one another, they’re supposed to be obsessed with each other and leave the fire emoji on each other’s Instagram posts. Duh.
The next morning, the women are getting ready to go to yoga and Ramona decides to fill Luann in on all the ~dramz~ she missed.
Ramona: I had a great talk with Bethenny last night. We bared our souls (read: tits) to each other. It was good.
Luann: Until you screw it up again. *signature insane Luann laugh*
There’s a lot of awkward tension between Dorinda and Bethenny. Dorinda basically doesn’t think she needs to apologize for last night, because she was too blackout to remember. Instead of an apology, she’s basically like “whatever, I was drunk.” And instead of understanding the fact that sometimes when you drink tequila for multiple days straight, you say things you don’t mean, Bethenny is super pissed.
Sonja’s in a super good mood, which is making her really tired.
Sonja: I’m so exhausted from being happy!
Then Dorinda pulls Bethenny outside to apologize and Bethenny pulls off one of the greatest humble brags of all time. She starts crying and talking about how hard it is to be so successful because she doesn’t want to sound like she’s gloating all of the time. She’s truly a modern day Gretchen Wieners.
Bethenny: I have an emotional hangover. I’m back to being the crier.
I am TOTALLY going to use that line sometime in the very near future.
Everyone is getting massages and relaxing and boating and shit-talking.
Tinsley is on a boat planning a party to say thank you, but also fuck you, to Sonja for letting her live with her for a few months.
Carole says that she’s good at fishing even though she’s not good at very many things. If anyone wants to take a quick back-read through some of my recaps from this season and fish out all of the times Carole bragged about being good at something outdoorsy, but then complained that she’s not outdoorsy the next episode, please be my guest.
Surprise, surprise, Carole didn’t catch a fish so they go grab one from a market to pretend that she did. They even take a picture with the fish to make it look like Carole caught it. Of course, Luann isn’t buying it and assumes the captain caught it or something.
Finally, it’s the last night and everyone’s waiting for someone to fuck it all up.
Bethenny: I think to end this trip, somebody should be killed. It’s weird if we all go home too happy. I need my frenemies back.
Now that’s a woman that has her priorities straight!
For the last night, the women all go out to dinner and Tinsley is the drunkest one this time. It’s basically just more drunk yelling.
Luann: Tinsley, you should stop saying the F word so much because we’re at a restaurant.
Tinsley: Well, you say Palm Beach all of the time and it’s actually West Palm, soo… it’s West Palm, so whatever.
I can’t tell if that’s the best or worst comeback I’ve ever heard.
Anyway, next week is the season finale and I really hope they’re not all too hungover to make it interesting.
Remember last week when I said this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York looked really promising? Well, I was right. (Not like that’s a surprise.) This was actually one of my favorite RHONY episodes ever. There is truly so much to talk about with this episode, but let’s start with the first and most pressing thing which is the fact that Tinsley casually mentions that her first date with the dude Carole wants to hook her up with lasted five days. They went to Miami together. I can’t decide if that’s some stage five clinger shit, or the greatest power move I’ve ever heard of. This also only works when you’re a celeb with cameras that follow you around everywhere. Anybody else who accepts a ticket to Miami as a first date is on their way to being murdered. That’s just like, a fact.
In other news, Sonja receives an unsolicited dick pic that was meant for someone else. Uh, ew. On top of that, she decided she’s not drinking for the Mexico trip, which was planned as an intentional booze fest. Personally, I’m shocked that she’s capable of being sober after that.
Ramona officially lasted seven minutes into the episode (which is actually less if you count the quick little “last week on RHONY” montage) without trying to weasel her way into the best room on the trip. I’m seriously so over Ramona and Sonja’s weird obsession with needing to stay in the same, best room with a bathtub and an ocean view that’s in close proximity to the kitchen. They’re almost more painful to watch than an episode of Tiny House Hunters.
Bethenny, like the rest of the world, is so over Ramona’s whole room picking charade.
Bethenny: You can’t be a miserable disgusting grabby twat, but yet, she can. Sonja’s just as bad, she’s an accomplice.
Watching Sonja and Ramona pick rooms is my least favorite part of every single housewives trip. Like, if it weren’t for Bethenny talking shit about them and eventually calling them out, I’d probably just save myself a migraine and fast forward through it all.
Bethenny attempts to shut down the whole thing by having everyone choose a number to decide what order the rooms are picked in. Yep, you read that right. Grown ass women have to pick a number out of a hat to pick rooms. I can’t. Tinsley and Luann end up with first and second choice and of course, Ramona and Sonja have tons to say about it because they expect Tinsley to sell her soul to Sonja and hate Luann for being actually married.
To add to the mess, Tinsley gives her first choice spot to Bethenny to thank her for arranging the entire trip and obv, Sonja loses it. As if throwing multiple temper tantrums wasn’t enough, Ramona and Sonja then steal the rooms that Dorinda and Carole chose. I don’t even have any decent commentary for that… it’s just stupid.
This trip is cliquey AF. It’s Tinsley, Dorinda, Luann and Carole against Sonja and Ramona, and then Bethenny is just the queen fucking bee that nobody is allowed to speak to directly. The popular girls are all sitting together gossiping and Ramona and Sonja are sharing an intimate moment by the ocean. Ramona starts rubbing Sonja and telling her about how she’s going to be in her life forever. Ooookay.
Ramona: Let’s live in the moment. I’m in a good place and you’re in a good place.
I really, really thought Ramona was about to propose.
Sonja: I’m trying to focus on what she’s saying but her face is like a pizza pie with no cheese.
Thank you, Sonja (and adult acne) for cutting that tension.
Bethenny shows up 90 minutes late to dinner and is the first one there. Honestly, I need to get myself a friend group like that. It’s unclear why everyone is late, other than the fact that they’ve been slamming tequila all day and Tinsley is having a meltdown. A story about her gets leaked to Page Six about how she is an ungrateful house guest and should give Sonja a gift. Tins assumes that it was Ramona, but due to the fact that Ramona apparently only rips off the press to place nice stories about herself, Bethenny thinks it was Sonja.
Bethenny: Nobody cares. I care that nobody is at dinner.
Everyone’s drunk, but Luann is particularly tanked, which is rare because everyone agrees that she can hold her liquor the best. Anyway, they’re all sitting around the dinner table waiting for Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum to show up. They’re probably like, sponge bathing each other or something, but Luann says they’re doing their makeup.
Bethenny: Putting makeup on Ramona’s face today is like throwing an extra deck chair off the QE2. I mean like, leave it alone, you know what I mean?
BTW, the QE2 is the Queen Elizabeth 2 for those of you who didn’t have the time to Google that. Normally I’d feel stupid about not knowing something, but judging from the confused look on Tinsley’s face, I was not the only one.
Side note: Ramona and Sonja are literally dressed like Paris and Nicole from season two of The Simple Life and honestly, I totally love it.
Luann thanked Bethenny for arranging the trip, which pisses Ramona off because she apparently hates when people are nice to Bethenny.
Bethenny: Ramona could fuck up a wet dream.
I actually screamed at that line. Like, not just type “lol screaming” screamed. I actually laugh-shrieked.
Everyone’s fucked up just yelling at each other. I love it.
Turnt up Tinsley brings up the Page Six drama and Ramona just continues being a human tornado and tearing through every social situation like a natural disaster. Thankfully, Tins is drunk enough to handle it the way all of us wish everyone would handle Ramona.
Tinsley: SHUT THE FUCK UP RAMONA
Ramona: Tinsley, settle down. You are nearing hysteria.
When did Ramona become the zen master? Her resting state is nearing hysteria, but whatever.
Tinsley is pissed because Sonja called her a bad houseguest, yet she’s running around fighting over rooms being the literal worst houseguest in all of history.
Anyway, I’m kind of loving Tinsley this episode. She starts screaming and crying and putting on a pretty good show. 10/10 meltdown, Tins. Welcome to the franchise.
Then comes the best moment of maybe the entire series, when Luann stands up, says “shake your booty” and IMMEDIATELY FALLS IN A BUSH. This is honestly television gold and is footage that will probably be used for seasons to come. Bravo, Luann.
The episode ends with Luann being a crazy, yet harmless drunk chick, which I’m all for. I’m slightly concerned that someone potentially slipped something into her drink, but we know that she definitely survived the Mexico trip because it was filmed months ago, so we can all laugh at her drunk antics without worry. Amen.
This episode starts out with a montage of the housewives doing the exact shit you’d picture them doing if you were going to draw a caricature of them all. Carole is hanging out with her cats, Tinsley and Sonja are getting some weird placenta facials and talking about which guys Sonja has dated, and Bethenny is planning a boozefest. Basically, she’s trying to maneuver a way for all of them to get wasted at a tequila tasting in Mexico without Ramona.
Carole shows up at Bethenny’s and says that she just went to people’s court with Adam. At first, I was pretty excited to hear this because I thought they were potentially in a custody battle over one of her crusty cats, but of course, I was disappointed by yet another boring storyline. Apparently, Adam didn’t get his security deposit back from his last apartment, and Carole showed up with him. The property manager never showed up, so he won by default. Yawn.
In other news, Sonja has just discovered the “brand new trend” of being hairless. Like, she’s acting like she’s just been given new, shocking information regarding the world of hair remover.
Sonja: Apparently the new trend is that everyone is hairless.
Where even were you during the celebrity crotch shot phase of the early 2000s? Honestly, I was in middle school, and still knew it was going on. Anyway, Sonja then starts to discuss her pubic hair in great detail and I’m just like, so not down for it.
Dorinda then invites all of the women to go to a steakhouse for dinner, because they’re not going on a trip this episode and the producers need somewhere public for them to fight. Tinsley shows up dressed like a college girl in a Blair Waldorf costume, and everyone gives her shit for it.
Tinsley: I still wear tights and maryjanes!
Tinsley is beyond the point of not being able to take a hint. Dorinda literally tries to bribe her to cut three inches off of her hair. Anyway, everyone ditches the lost cause that is Tinsley’s style when Bethenny shows up, because they know a fight between her and Ramona is about to go down. Ramona’s trying to act chill because she’s been sucking up to Bethenny via iMessage for the past few days, but B is so not having it.
Ramona: Bethenny arrives and greets everyone besides me and I’m fine.
Really? Because that’s not what your face says.
Everyone keeps trying to talk about the Mexico trip, which is super awkward because Bethenny still hasn’t officially invited Ramona yet. Of course, she’s just assuming that she’s going because this is reality television and this feud is the main storyline this season so like, they’re going to need her. Bethenny decides to have a sidebar conversation with Ramona… but chooses to do so at the same table that everyone else is sitting at. To make it private, she basically just tells them not to listen. Of course, Tinsley starts eavesdropping anyway, because she is LITERALLY SITTING A FOOT AWAY, and Bethenny snaps at her.
Tinsley: One thing I’m learning about Bethenny is don’t look at her unless she gives you permission.
My new life goal is to have someone say that about me before I’m dead.
Obvi, the second Ramona gets spoken to in a tone that is anything harsher than an ass-kissing, her crazy eyes come out and she starts swinging her head around. I honestly think she could be part owl. That betch has some impressive movement capabilities in her head. Bethenny tries to be civil with Ramona by inviting her to the trip, but Ramona goes off and starts yelling about respect and keeps saying “JUST DON’T.” (Which you’ve probably seen on every season preview for the last few weeks. Don’t you love when a moment from a trailer actually finally happens?)
THEN BETHENNY LITERALLY JUST UNINVITES RAMONA.
Bethenny: I changed my mind. I don’t want you to come on the trip.
Ramona: Well, I’m coming.
Then it gets messy and Ramona starts crying and Bethenny tells her to stop with the waterworks, which in RHONY world is the equivalent of calling someone’s mother the c-word.
Carole: There’s something about Ramona that is just too intense.
Something? Try everything.
Sonja: I do want Ramona on the trip because for some sick reason, I love her! It’s not fun to watch Bethenny crush Ramona. It’s like, Game of Thrones bad.
That was Sonja’s one attempt at a culturally relevant comment, I think.
Obviously, this isn’t going to be resolved anytime soon, or else this would just be a show about Carole’s cats and Tinsley’s tights. The two make a pact to stop talking shit to each other, which is so lame and definitely unrealistic.
Literally one second later, Ramona’s at a gym with a trainer trying to lose her wine weight for Mexico.
Ramona: I know it’s good news that I’m invited to Mexico but I need to lose weight
Okay, but you’re literally not invited.
Then, Carole takes Tinsley on a double date with her friend from Chicago. He’s the guy who created that website you always hit up when you’re ordering shit online but don’t have a promo code in your inbox, aka a lifesaver.
Again, Tins proves that she really can’t figure out how to dress. She’s wearing a sequined collared shirt under a sparkly sweater. It’s disgusting. It looks like Francesca’s Closet circa 2014 threw up on her. As if a grown woman decked out in sequins wasn’t problematic enough, Tinsley mentions that she was “very skinny in a bikini on my birthday in Las Vegas” and starts rambling on about her ex husband. She keeps chugging Tito’s and even shows that she’s still wearing the ring her ex gave her in high school. This makes me feel better about every single bad date I’ve ever been on combined.
Anyway, next week’s episode looks promising AF. Tinsley yells at Ramona, which might be enough to make me like her. Mexico is probably going to be just as much of a shit show as it is when any group of excessive drinkers go there, so I’m pretty pumped.
In case your Fourth of July bender has caused significant memory loss, I should probably remind you that this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City is the second part of a group ski trip to Vermont. This one starts out the way all good Housewives episodes do…with a lot of complaining.
They’re all bitching about the terrible conditions of East Coast skiing, because apparently Aspen is way better. I guess I never realized that the East Coast had bad skiing conditions because I’ve never
blacked out in a ski lodge drinking gone skiing anywhere else. Whatever. Anyway, once everyone realizes Ramona has a hot instructor, the topic switches to bitching about Ramona.
Sonja: Fine. Ramona can hot dog down the mountain behind him, but he’s not going to fuck her.
This week’s episode also continues the mystery of whether or not Carole is truly an outdoorsy girl. It seems to kind of depend on whether or not she’s around her 11-year-old boyfriend Adam, but I’ll try to give her more credit than that because I like where her head’s at this week as she stays in the ski lodge to drink with Dorinda.
Carole: I didn’t come to ski. I didn’t even bring ski pants. I prefer going to the ski lodge with my girlfriend and gossiping about my friends who are on the mountain.
But yeah, being on the mountain looks about exactly as much fun as you’d expect hitting the slopes with Ramona and Luann would be. Luann won’t stop talking about the fact that her life is “transitioning” now that she’s married. Honestly, I don’t think that word’s gotten this much airtime since the I Am Cait series.
Obvi, Bethenny is snowboarding instead of skiing because she’s like, way cooler than the other housewives. She has a Skinny Girl branded snowboard, which Luann takes a break from talking about her transitioning life to mention. Then, we get a nice little montage of all of the Skinny Girl shit that Bethenny has rolled up in over the years, like her Skinny Girl car. Honestly, if I was that skinny and made all of my money from betches who buy alcohol that I created because they want to be as skinny as me, I’d remind everyone of it constantly, too.
Back at the ski lodge, Dorinda and Carole are boozing it up when they see that news of Bethenny’s insane ex-husband, Jason, has been published on Page Six. Basically, he’s been charged with harassment and stalking because he is the absolute worst.
Ramona interrupts their gossip sesh by dragging her helpless, hot ski instructor into the ski lodge to pretty much be her slave. She introduces him as her “new very good friend,” because she is literally the creepiest chick ever and is trying to make it seem like he’s following her around all day for any reason besides the fact that she’s paying him. Honestly, at the rate Ramona inappropriately preys on younger victims, she’s right on track to be the next President of the United States.
Dorinda continues her reign as my favorite housewife as she tries to figure out why guys don’t hit on her all of the time, but Ramona always seems to be surrounded. She decides it’s because Ramona is a “coke head-y flirter,” which is good news for Dorinda, who was always afraid that she was too ugly to get hit on. That’s like, low-key devastating to hear, but we’ve all had the “OMG am I ugly?” scare at least once.
Anyway, while Ramona is acting creepy and rubbing her bare feet all over the ski lodge, Bethenny starts silently freaking out because she’s getting Google alerts about her personal life. You gotta give this girl credit for being able to hold herself together so well in front of the cameras. Like, if someone abruptly ends a text message to me in a period I have to interrupt everyone’s conversation to have a mini meltdown and figure out what that could mean.
Speaking of people handling things well…or not, Tinsley is mixing antidepressants with Tito’s vodka, which Carole tried to tell her is a terrible idea. We haven’t had a housewife release music out of pure boredom in a few years, so maybe it’s time for Tins to come out with a rap song about pills and Tito’s. IDK, just an idea.
The housewives return to the Lincoln Logs mansion that Bethenny rented, and Ramona has somehow convinced a bunch of random restaurant dudes to come cook for the crew.
Bethenny: Ramona is the HBIC. The head bitch in charge.
Like, one, thank you Bethenny for defining an acronym we are all very familiar with. Also, I’m going to disagree with you there. While she does certainly display some HBIC qualities, she’s definitely not an approved HBIC. Sorry.
Speaking of, Ramona is trying to do Sonja’s hair, because apparently they always need to have “similar hair.” Remember Ramona’s brutal ponytail from a few weeks ago? I can’t believe Sonja’s letting her touch her hair. It looks like shit.
Tinsley starts to talk about one of her passions, which is shopping. She’s like, really good at finding deals, and typically only spends like $500 to $700 on an item.
Dorinda: It appears that Tinsley is a professional shopper and professional day drinker.
Side note: I literally cannot stop looking at Sonja’s fugly hair. It makes me feel better about every single bad hairstyle I’ve ever had in my entire life.
At dinner, all of them get totally hammered and start playing truth or dare. Of course, it starts off absolutely ridiculously and we learn a lot about everyone’s sexual preferences. For example, Dorinda thinks anal is totally unacceptable and it makes Tinsley cry. Two things I never cared to know, ever.
Bethenny then dares Sonja to French kiss one of the chefs and gives some pretty specific instructions.
Bethenny: French kiss one of the chefs. You have to mean it. Put your back into it and your camel toe, as well.
Unfortunately, the chef was so not into it.
Then, as everyone’s measuring dick size with cucumbers, Luann gets annoying. What a surprise!
Luann: I feel lucky right now to be married.
Dorinda: We get it! You’re married! You love Tom! You love Palm Beach!!
And then the episode pretty much ends with Bethenny telling everyone to lay off Luann for being an annoying newlywed asshole, but also for Luann to stop being such an asshole, which is as close to a happy ending as any RHONY episode is going to get.
This week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City is the one where Luann finally gets married. To my knowledge, the world is still spinning and everyone’s still living, and I’m kind of shocked and disappointed.
Anyway, seeing as everyone telling Luann not to get married was a huge storyline this season, someone had to do something shitty so the rest of the episodes are still entertaining. Enter Sonja. She’s dating the guy she wanted Tinsley to go after and it’s getting pretty
awkward serious. Well, Frenchy (aka Edgar) is getting serious and Sonja’s still dating that Italian dude, Rocco. And Frenchy knows about it, obv.
Bethenny throws a boujee holiday party to balance out the “homey” weekend they just spent at Dorinda’s in the Berkshires.
Bethenny: Dorinda’s is very homey and like, roast chicken. This is a New York City party with seafood.
I mean, yeah there’s a ton of caviar, but there’s also a ton of Skinny Girl branded shit. Plus, the only people invited were the cast members, minus Ramona. This party was basically just a chance for some B-roll footage of the girls talking shit and so Bethenny could plug her brand. Also, Bethenny is obsessed with ice luges and has made about 400 “that’s what she said” jokes in the first eight minutes of the show.
Because she wasn’t invited to Bethenny’s party, Ramona goes out with her 22-year-old daughter Avery and her friends. They’re all like, swirling wine or whatever. Snore. Take some fucking shots.
The contrast between the Housewives turning up with an ice luge at Bethenny’s and Ramona having a boring-ass time with a bunch of 22-year-olds is ridiculous.
Carole: I like to drink if it’s FUN. I would be a huge drinker if I could drink everything through an ice luge or a sippy straw.
Avery: Pellegrino is my water. I thought it was water growing up.
Ramona then tells her daughter’s friends about her wild weekend at Dorinda’s and they just like, cannot relate. These girls sound like the nightmare roommates who report you to your RA freshman year when you come home drunk on a Tuesday.
Ramona: I blacked out.
Avery’s friend: What does that mean?
Back at Bethenny’s, they’re still talking about Ramona rock starring Dorinda’s house and Sonja is so over it. She just finds it totally normal, because apparently Ramona has trashed every hotel bathroom the two have stayed at like a rockstar. Ew.
In other news, Luann is getting fucking married. Who thought we’d see the day? She did look super pretty, though, I’ll give her that. It’s not that she’s not pretty, but everyone forgets because she’s so annoying. *Regina George voice*
Luann: I am a hopeless romantic.
Oh my god, someone please kill me.
Side note: why did Luann laugh when Tom said he was there on his own free will during their vows? That’s sketchy.
Then, Carole and Bethenny go out for dumplings and make a few subtle jokes about Tom being potentially gay and Luann needing a strap on. Yikes. Also, Carole kicked Adam out of her cat lair but they’re totes still together.
Ramona and Dorinda hang so Ramona can grill the only housewife who was invited to the wedding about all of the details. Here’s the rundown: Dorinda got drunk and almost missed hair and makeup. She also forgot to book her flight to the wedding. Luann wouldn’t let her take a nap and wore three dresses.
Next Bethenny and Carole go to Chinatown on an adventure and act like the Chinatown ice cream factory is like, some crazy foreign place. It’s literally just an ice cream shop that happens to be in Chinatown.
Edgar is moving in with Sonja and wants to adopt kids with her, which is hilarious. Maybe they can just adopt Tinsley’s boyfriend, who’s like, 12.
Luann is extra AF and is having an extra wedding celebration for all of the losers who didn’t get invited to the real thing. Bethenny shows up 15 minutes late and is still the only person there for 15 minutes. Brutal.
Bethenny: We’re having a party just for the people who haven’t slept with Tom. Party of one!
Finally, people show up, including Tins and her child boyfriend, who Ramona’s daughter totally checks out. I wonder if that’s going to be a forced plot line later in the season? Keep your fingers crossed. Also, why is Tinsley always dressed for a sorority preference night circa 2006?
Even though Luann finally trapped Tom legally, he’s still being shady. He didn’t want to wear a wedding ring, which is like, the biggest red flag ever.
Ramona and Sonja both brought their new guys to the party, which is probably a good thing, so people can eventually forget that they both banged Tom.
Lastly, Dorinda made a speech that was hilariously honest.
Dorinda: I left the wedding feeling so much better about everything.
Well, that’s nice but I’m hoping something crazy still happens.