We all want to do little to no work for like, a lot of money. However, when raise and review time rolls around, there are good ways and bad ways to ask for a raise. It’s important to remember that EVERYONE wants more money, and that’s chill and all, but you need to stand out from the other idiots in your office and remember to focus on your strengths and what an incredible asset you are rather than being petty. Of course, in an effort to like, get you that juicy raise, here are some of the aforementioned bad ways to ask for a raise. Here are a few things you should probably NOT do and say once you get behind closed doors with your boss. For more career advice, pre-order our third book, When’s Happy Hour? here!

“I Haven’t Had A Raise Since …”

Cool story, Hansel. Pity parties do not a raise make. Complaining about not having had a raise seems like a reasonable measure since like, that’s v annoying, but budget cuts may have happened or the company may have given individual directors less to work with in terms of rewarding workers that maybe you’re not in-the-know about. Don’t focus on how long it’s been since you’ve had a raise – focus on all the amazing sh*t you’ve done around the office and for your team that speak louder than your whining. Like all those times you absolutely stayed late reading Reality Steve spoilers  crunching numbers so that the financial team would have them in the morning or that time you printed 50 color copies of Hannah’s f*cking report because she didn’t order ink in time.

Don’t Ask If You’re Lazy

Like, if you’ve been sitting in your office and re-watching Bachelor in Paradise, trying to deduce where Jordan and Jenna’s relationship went wrong, or if you’ve skipped out on helping for the last six events that were all-hands-on-deck situations because you had a v important pool party to attend, don’t expect to get rewarded. Doing your job at its bare minimum or lower does not warrant an increase. And your boss will totally sniff out your bullsh*t if you claim you’ve done more than that, anyway.

“I’m V Poor RN”

Yikes. Don’t try to guilt trip your boss because you want a five-bedroom house and your dog needs a winter wardrobe and you just like, need more money so you can invest in gold or whatever. The raise relates to your job and your performance at said job, so don’t bring up your personal sh*t while you’re negotiating. Besides, if your boss knows you fairly well, they may know if you’re preggers or just inherited a v rare cockatoo that requires a live-in maid, so they may factor that in any way without you bringing it up during a review.

Don’t Compare Yourself To Someone Else

“Well, Meghan makes X per hour and I only make Y and that’s bullsh*t cause I do more work and Meghan wore a disgusting vest yesterday and she’s a kiss-ass and like why doesn’t anyone appreciate me *cue tears*.” Not a good way to approach your review. Plus, comparing yourself to someone else makes you look like a gossip and like you’ve discussed your pay with someone to find out how much Meghan was making, which is like, not chill. Lest we forget, this is YOUR review, not Meghan’s. Meghan may be smarter than you and pull her weight more than you. She may have also read The Art of the Deal right before her interview, making her a true master negotiator. This is your review, so don’t bring other people into it.

“I’ll Totally Quit”

Unless you’re fully prepared to walk away, don’t use a counter offer or threaten to quit in order to get more for your raise. This is especially true if you made up said counter offer in order to strong-arm your supervisor into more money. What’ll you do if they’re all, “cool bro, there’s the door” ? Hope you have a steady support system i.e. Sugar Daddy waiting to pick up the pieces.

Don’t Complain About Your Work Load

Knock it off. Chances are, there are people (including probs your boss) that have WAY more work to do than you and don’t b*tch about it. That may be a lil hard to swallow, but heading into your review and being all “I HAVE SO MUCH ON MY PLATE AND I DESERVE MORE” is not a good way to approach getting some more money, fam. Like we said – focus on what a great asset you are and how willing you are to help other departments and pick up other projects rather than whine about it.

“I Did Everything I Was Supposed To”

And? Meeting the expectations of your job don’t warrant more money. The money you’re making is for you to do all the sh*t you’re supposed to do. If you start exceeding expectations and anticipated your director’s needs, then, yes, maybe you deserve a bump (of money, not coke).

Don’t Ask For Absurd Amounts

Like, asking for 5% instead of 3% is one thing, but asking for 15% is preposterous. Don’t ask for amounts that are outlandish or make you seem really out of touch with reality. It’s just going to make it easier for your boss to be like “lol, no.”

For more career advice that’s real af, pre-order our third book, When’s Happy Hour? here!

Images: rawpixel, Unsplash; Giphy (4)

So I’m a normal human being, which means I love having orgasms. But finding decent men to fuck has forever been an endeavor. For years I’ve lowered my standards and did the nasty with guys who lacked personality, wore salmon colored pants, or even liked Coldplay, all because I thought my number was too low (now it’s definitely not).

Recently I was like, STFU Carly—my name’s Carly—you don’t like going home with strangers and you actually hate when the morning sun reveals things on his nightstand you can’t unsee (a utility sized ketchup bottle, VHS porno, ticket stubs to Coldplay). So I stopped lowering my standards at dive bars that wreaked of low self-esteem and fuckboys, and started staying in. I’ve never been one to take matters into my own hands (or fingers, rather)—I’m an old fashioned rub-my-clit-on-a-pillow kind of betch. But I decided to go on my own sex journey and fill my vagina with electronics. It is the digital age, after all.

I started with a vibrator I actually owned. Something I bought on a “me” day but never used. I grabbed B Swish Bwild Classic Vibrator out of my receipt drawer. Yes, I keep my receipts because I’m a grown-ass woman who’s scared of the government. I bought it in pink because I’m a fucking princess. It’s smooth and slutty, it’s cheap—just like me.

Admittedly what caught my attention first was the price. I didn’t know if I would ever actually use it but, at around $36 (or like, two green juices) the risk seemed worth the reward. The reward being a sweet orgasm by myself where I can take one night off from touching, smelling, and licking a dick. It’s not called a blow job for nothing. I need two weeks vacay.

My vagina is actually extremely sensitive to the cold, so I wrapped it in a blanket to warm it up. Did I want to hump this blanket? Sure. But I resisted. I don’t always need to masturbate as if there was a power outage. It was time to put something that resembled an electric toothbrush in me.

At first I was like “am I doing this right?” But it took about as long as Zayn’s solo career to understand why this is a thing. It felt goooooood and I wasn’t preoccupied by how much I would regret this in the morning. I take a long time to really imagine an entire fantasy, so thank god for the five fucking fantastic vibration settings. Not one second of boredom.

Batteries are included and with a total use time of three hours, I immediately cancelled drinks that night. It was hard to skip the vodka, but I wanted to be filled with something else (I already own a shit ton of vodka, anyway). Oh yeah, the Bwild is waterproof, which is perfect because I love long showers. And also sometimes cry when I orgasm.

I feel like I made a friend. As I write this, my Bwild is on the couch next to me begging me to play. Actually, um, I should go. I have to wash dishes. Yeah, that’s it. I know we had plans to hang tonight, but I’m gonna have to cancel those.

I give the B Swish Bwild Classic 10 O’s out of 10 O’s.

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