We all want to do little to no work for like, a lot of money. However, when raise and review time rolls around, there are good ways and bad ways to ask for a raise. It’s important to remember that EVERYONE wants more money, and that’s chill and all, but you need to stand out from the other idiots in your office and remember to focus on your strengths and what an incredible asset you are rather than being petty. Of course, in an effort to like, get you that juicy raise, here are some of the aforementioned bad ways to ask for a raise. Here are a few things you should probably NOT do and say once you get behind closed doors with your boss. For more career advice, pre-order our third book, When’s Happy Hour? here!
“I Haven’t Had A Raise Since …”
Cool story, Hansel. Pity parties do not a raise make. Complaining about not having had a raise seems like a reasonable measure since like, that’s v annoying, but budget cuts may have happened or the company may have given individual directors less to work with in terms of rewarding workers that maybe you’re not in-the-know about. Don’t focus on how long it’s been since you’ve had a raise – focus on all the amazing sh*t you’ve done around the office and for your team that speak louder than your whining. Like all those times you absolutely stayed late reading Reality Steve spoilers crunching numbers so that the financial team would have them in the morning or that time you printed 50 color copies of Hannah’s f*cking report because she didn’t order ink in time.
Don’t Ask If You’re Lazy
Like, if you’ve been sitting in your office and re-watching Bachelor in Paradise, trying to deduce where Jordan and Jenna’s relationship went wrong, or if you’ve skipped out on helping for the last six events that were all-hands-on-deck situations because you had a v important pool party to attend, don’t expect to get rewarded. Doing your job at its bare minimum or lower does not warrant an increase. And your boss will totally sniff out your bullsh*t if you claim you’ve done more than that, anyway.
“I’m V Poor RN”
Yikes. Don’t try to guilt trip your boss because you want a five-bedroom house and your dog needs a winter wardrobe and you just like, need more money so you can invest in gold or whatever. The raise relates to your job and your performance at said job, so don’t bring up your personal sh*t while you’re negotiating. Besides, if your boss knows you fairly well, they may know if you’re preggers or just inherited a v rare cockatoo that requires a live-in maid, so they may factor that in any way without you bringing it up during a review.
Don’t Compare Yourself To Someone Else
“Well, Meghan makes X per hour and I only make Y and that’s bullsh*t cause I do more work and Meghan wore a disgusting vest yesterday and she’s a kiss-ass and like why doesn’t anyone appreciate me *cue tears*.” Not a good way to approach your review. Plus, comparing yourself to someone else makes you look like a gossip and like you’ve discussed your pay with someone to find out how much Meghan was making, which is like, not chill. Lest we forget, this is YOUR review, not Meghan’s. Meghan may be smarter than you and pull her weight more than you. She may have also read The Art of the Deal right before her interview, making her a true master negotiator. This is your review, so don’t bring other people into it.
“I’ll Totally Quit”
Unless you’re fully prepared to walk away, don’t use a counter offer or threaten to quit in order to get more for your raise. This is especially true if you made up said counter offer in order to strong-arm your supervisor into more money. What’ll you do if they’re all, “cool bro, there’s the door” ? Hope you have a steady support system i.e. Sugar Daddy waiting to pick up the pieces.
Don’t Complain About Your Work Load
Knock it off. Chances are, there are people (including probs your boss) that have WAY more work to do than you and don’t b*tch about it. That may be a lil hard to swallow, but heading into your review and being all “I HAVE SO MUCH ON MY PLATE AND I DESERVE MORE” is not a good way to approach getting some more money, fam. Like we said – focus on what a great asset you are and how willing you are to help other departments and pick up other projects rather than whine about it.
“I Did Everything I Was Supposed To”
And? Meeting the expectations of your job don’t warrant more money. The money you’re making is for you to do all the sh*t you’re supposed to do. If you start exceeding expectations and anticipated your director’s needs, then, yes, maybe you deserve a bump (of money, not coke).
Don’t Ask For Absurd Amounts
Like, asking for 5% instead of 3% is one thing, but asking for 15% is preposterous. Don’t ask for amounts that are outlandish or make you seem really out of touch with reality. It’s just going to make it easier for your boss to be like “lol, no.”
For more career advice that’s real af, pre-order our third book, When’s Happy Hour? here!
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