Which New True Crime Documentary You Should Watch Based On Your Personality

I’ve gone through TV this pandemic like the stages of grief. The first stage was the prestige drama. “It’s the perfect time to finally watch The Wire,” I thought! Turns out, the intricacies of the drug trade in Baltimore were heavy and complicated. Who can handle that in a time like this? Next came the trashy reality TV stage. “Watching people get drunk, naked, and make bad decisions is exactly what I need to get me through this pandemic! Too Hot To Handle will heal me,” I reasoned. Turns out, watching people get closer than six feet apart made me jealous, angry, and a little bit panicky. On to the next! The third stage was comfort TV. “Time to settle in with all my old friends! A little Jess Day-Nick Miller time is what I need.” Turns out, New Girl just made me long for the simpler times when I first discovered it.

So I’ve finally made it to my final stage of TV. The true crime documentary. THIS is exactly what I need. Something that keeps me up at night out of fear that someone will break in and dismember me and not because I’ll never be able to buy a house! And the great thing about true crime is that there’s a little something for everyone. Murder? Good! Scams? Good! Cults? Good! It’s all here. And lately we’ve been blessed with an embarrassment of true crime riches. So which one should you watch? Oh don’t fret, I’ve got you covered and will be breaking it down for you by interest. Because when my therapist says, “maybe you should slow down on the crime so you don’t have to clutch a butter knife all night long” I like to double down instead of taking the suggestion. You’re welcome! 

*Friendly warning: There might be some light spoilers in here, so tread carefully if you’re going to be mad that I mentioned something that happened 20 years ago was already splashed all over countless newspapers and magazines!*

If You’re A Late Night Reddit Fiend You Should Watch…

Unsolved Mysteries – Netflix

Unsolved Mysteries dropped on Netflix in July, and it’s a revival of an old show that was on TV way back when The Bachelor was but a twinkle in Mike Fleiss’ eye. There are six new episodes detailing crimes or weird happenings (aliens are real y’all, change my mind) that have never been solved. So if you’re the kind of person that likes to spend all night theorizing to strangers as to why a man would sleep with the ashes of his murdered wife, or if you enjoy combing through letters that were left by a dead man and comparing them to the plot of a movie then this. is. your. show. And hey! If you solve one of these cases, all that time you spent maniacally whispering to yourself, “it wasn’t suicide”, neglecting showers, and subsisting only on Cheetos and then the left over Cheeto dust that collected on your shirt will just be called a “cute phase” instead of a “mental breakdown”. 

Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich – Netflix

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Speaking of it not being suicide, it’s obviously time to move on to Jeffrey Epstein. The theories abound about what actually happened to him in that prison cell, but this documentary actually focuses on the girls (now women) he abused and how his money, access, and power allowed it to happen without consequence for years. It’s terrifying. Netflix even calls it a “molestation pyramid scheme” and now I’m actually thankful that all the girls I went to high school with only got involved in makeup pyramid schemes. But in all seriousness, Jeffrey Epstein was very connected to some of the most powerful people in the world and it makes me suspicious that literally every man in charge of anything was involved. My mom always did tell me growing up that everyone’s a perv. This series made me believe it. 

Outcry – Hulu

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Lord heal and protect these wounds that have been inflicted upon me and my family, may we rest in your presence and may your glory be exalted all the days of my life. #outcry #showtime

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This one is for all of you out there that love Friday Night Lights, but wish it had involved more ruined lives, child molestation, and shoddy detective work. Greg Kelley was a high school football star in Texas when he was accused and convicted of sexually assaulting a 4-year-old that attended daycare in the house where he lived. I know, a tough pill to swallow. But this series follows Greg as he is in prison, and then eventually is exonerated for the crime. Throughout the documentary we see how poorly the case was handled, how important leads were not investigated, and how because of that, this child never got justice. I have my theory of who actually committed this crime but for legal reasons I’ll not publish it here, so maybe this time that anonymous person you see speculating on Reddit is ME. 

*Cue Beyoncé* If You’re Into Girl Power You Should Watch…

Love Fraud – Hulu

Friends, Love Fraud brought me so much joy. I mean, not the part where we hear from multiple women that they were conned out of hundreds of thousands of dollars. That brought me rage. I mean the part where these women connect with each other, hire themselves a badass female bounty hunter, and attempt to find this life-sized maggot dressed in a suit and masquerading as a man on their own. I mean, the part where one of the women, Sabrina, says right to the camera, “Scott, you lying sack of sh*t, you f*cked me. And I’m coming after you.” Sabrina is my raison d’être. I mean the part where they’re out for revenge. Ladies, if you’re like me and you need a little joy in your life, it’s time to cue up Love Fraud. 

Our bounty hunter, ladies and gentlemen.

I’ll Be Gone in the Dark – HBO

I can’t say enough good things about this documentary. It started as a book about the Golden State Killer by Michelle McNamara that transcended the true crime genre. The documentary details the case and features survivors, while also including Michelle’s writing process, her dogged efforts to solve the case, and her tragic death before completing the book. It’s different from any documentary you’ve ever seen (much like the book was) and the best part? They actually caught the son of a b*tch that did it using a genealogical website! And less than two weeks ago, they rolled that old murdering prick who thought for so long that he got away with it into court and sentenced him to life in prison without parole. How often does that happen?! It’s hard to watch and beautiful to watch, and I highly recommend it. And it also teaches you to maybe warn your family members before you spit in a tube and send it off to 23 and Me, because you might find out you aren’t as Italian as your mom said you were, but they might get arrested for murder.

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TFW the serial killer you helped catch is going to die in prison.

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If You Think Everything Is A Scam You Should Watch…

(Un)well – Netflix

This one’s for you, Goopers. Believe it or not (believe it) shoving a jade egg up your vagina is not a good idea. And if you’ve done that, it’s time you check out this series. (Un)well examines the wellness industry and how it takes advantage of unsuspecting folks like you and me to make billions of dollars. Each episode examines a different wellness trend like essential oils or breast milk and shows us both sides of the issue. It might not sound your typical true crime series, but I promise you when you hear a grown man talk about his “mother’s milk smoothie” you’ll certainly be ready to commit murder yourself. 

The Vow – HBO

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What would you commit to? The Vow, a new documentary series that explores the world of NXIVM, premieres August 23 at 10 pm. #TheVowHBO

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And finally we’ve made it to The Vow, the new HBO series detailing the NXIVM cult. I’ve only watched the first episode so far (the new episodes are still dropping) but I’m obsessed. We haven’t gotten to the part where anything bad happens yet so I’m full-steam ahead invested in this organization. Yes I DO want to find my higher purpose! Yes, they DID cure Tourette’s! Yes, I DO need one of those sashes! Needless to say, I can see how people got roped in. I’ve got to see where this goes quick, before I start writing to Keith Raniere in prison. Help. 

I think there’s something for everyone on this list, so I hope you all get everything your true crime seeking heart desires. Did I miss anything? If you know about a crime doc I forgot please hit me up in the comments, lord knows I need more fuel for my constant nightmares.

Images: Netflix; thatsovirgo/Twitter; memetides, grkelley2, pattonoswalt, hbo/Instagram; Giphy (1)

Six Women Exposed A Fuckboy In A Real-Life ‘John Tucker Must Die’ Revenge Plot

Listen up y’all, lend me your ears. Or eyes. Whatever. Lend me your organs by which you consume written information, for I am about to regale you with an epic revenge tale. Six female heroes who should be put into the Feminist Hall Of Fame (note to fellow womankind: create Feminist Hall of Fame) got revenge on a fuckboy in truly epic fashion. Sorry I had to use a vocabulary throwback from 2004, but really there is no other way to describe this. 

It all started when our homegirl-who-doesn’t-know-she’s-our-homegirl Lisette got set up on a bad date by her friends. As one does.

Lisette Pylant Tweets

Okay so like first of all, who are these so-called friends? Why would you set your girl up with some dude, only to text her “GET OUT” before the date even happens? WTF is wrong with you? I sincerely hope these “friends” got a thorough roasting in the group chat and their set-up privileges were revoked. But for the purposes of this story I’m glad that didn’t happen preemptively, otherwise we wouldn’t get this incredible tale.

Lisette Pylant Tweets

That’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see how it plays out for him.

Lisette Pylant Tweets

Now this is a girl you’d want to meet drunk in a bathroom. But wait, because it gets better. Grab some wine, grab some popcorn, it’s about to be lit.

Lisette Pylant Tweets

Someone should have told this dude this kind of shit only works on The Bachelor.

Lisette Pylant Tweets

Lisette Pylant

It’s beautiful. It’s majestic. It’s a tale as old as time: women uniting against the common fuckboy. Except wait. It’s not over. I fucking told you all it was lit, and I was not over-promising.

Lisette Pylant Tweets

Lisette Pylant Tweet

I think I speak for all of us when I say YASSS QUEENS.

Lisette Pylant

Lisette Pylant Tweets

Lisette Pylant

Wow. What a wild and crazy ride that was. I, like you, obviously have many questions, but I’ll stick with the most pressing ones. First, what’s this guy’s first and last name? Asking for a friend. who really books FIVE dates in one night? What was his end game if he liked one of the girls or one was down to smash? Second, how rich is this guy that he can front five dates in one single night, or is he that much of a fuckboy that he’d make all the girls pay? Finally, what was his reaction upon seeing this? I’m just waiting for the “It Was Just A Joke, You Women Are So Sensitive” follow-up article from this douchecanoe. If you or anyone you know has the answers to these questions, please let us know ASAP.