Something shocking happened on last night’s episode of The Bachelor. No, not Arie’s sadistic staged breakup—last night, I started finding Lauren B. relatable. I know. Lauren B., the human toaster? Lauren B., the very advanced robot whose “pat eye corner” function looks almost like a real human crying? Hear me out. While I’m in no way defending ABC’s choice to build a TV show around her, I’m starting to understand her. Here’s a rundown of why you’re probably more like Lauren B. than Becca.*
*Is Lauren B.’s sudden relatability a heavily edited hoax to make me hate Arie less? Probably, but that’s fine because I’m never going to hate Arie less.
Exhibit A: Lauren B. Meets The Parents
Let’s get one thing clear from the start: Lauren B. is relatable as a person; she’s not good TV. (I actually think her on-screen dullness is relatable in and of itself. I too suspect I would not be good TV.) So while her visit with Arie’s family was an exercise in not falling asleep in your wine, it seemed realistic. He’s worried she’ll be too shy. They touch a little more than appropriate. She cries from nerves. She’s shocked when it goes well. All of these things happen pretty much every time my boyfriend introduces me to anyone (I know, I’m a treat).
Lauren B. looks like a walking Google Image search for “cheerleader,” so you assume she must be bubbly or bitchy. And she’s definitely not bubbly. But (hot take) I don’t think she’s bitchy either. I think she’s awkward AF, and genuinely shy, and I have no idea why she signed up for this show. Just look at Becca in comparison—within five minutes, the family has her pegged as the “confident, outgoing” one. She wears a blazer and talks about her nerves with a confidence that no one with real nerves ever has. Becca is a strong, independent woman who takes Arie apple picking as a date. Lauren B. is bad in social situations, requires constant reassurance in relationships, and makes Arie ride a beach pony as a date. Which one did you say was more relatable?
Exhibit B: Becca’s Description Of Lauren B.
When poor Becca is forced to discuss her boyfriend’s other girlfriend, she’s extremely graceful about it. After diplomatically stating how different they are (true), Becca finally admits that their differences aren’t the only issue. (I would think them both dating the same man would torpedo any burgeoning friendship, but somehow that doesn’t come up.) They didn’t become friends because “other people were easier to get to know,” according to Becca. In the real world, that’s a normal thing to say. But this is Girl World, and here, that means a few things. 1) Lauren has serious RBF. 2) Becca and the other girls talked shit about her and thought she was unfriendly and boring. 3) Lauren was never here to make friends, and probably couldn’t have if she wanted to.
As someone who attended five different summer camps without making new friends, OH MY GOD did I find that Becca comment relatable. We saw a little bit of this side of Lauren as they neared the finish line and she started telling the producers how she wanted everyone else gone. And not in interview mode—just Lauren B. talking to a producer in the hall after the rose ceremony. AKA, definitive proof that she had no friends in the house (probably why we hear her speak so little). She talks to the producers only, because they’re paid to manipulate her be nice to her, and Arie maxes out her social interactions for the week. Honestly, feels. I always thought the girls cry-hugging and saying “love you” as they leave was the least realistic part. I take between 10 and 100 years to reach that kind of intimacy with other people.
Becca: I made so many friends!
Exhibit C: Lauren B. Gets Dumped
Obviously, these girls are always the most relatable when they’re being dumped. (Just me? Back to therapy it is.) But Lauren in particular said something I found both hilarious and insightful: “I feel like he’s making the easier choice,” she says. Judging from everything Arie’s said about both relationships, that seems on point. But Lauren is the one to say it, and to isolate that factor—Becca is easier—without judgment. Lauren doesn’t say it cattily, or imply that Becca’s relationships are superficial because of it. She doesn’t weigh it as a judgment against herself that she’s more difficult. She just seems genuinely disappointed in Arie for not figuring out what he wanted sooner. And isn’t that just the betchiest thing you’ve ever heard?
Lauren B. knows she’s a challenge. She’s been upfront that she’s a challenge. If Arie doesn’t pick her, it’s not that he didn’t love her. Arie just couldn’t rise to the occasion. He didn’t want to work that hard. He wasn’t capable or willing. To say “I think he made the easier choice,” and hate him for it instead of hating yourself takes courage. Everyone go write that down for the next time a fuckboy blows you off. “It seems like he’s making the easier choice,” you’ll say breezily at brunch. Because if you’re being honest, you want a boyfriend who works his ass off for you. In snack runs alone, my boyfriend has put in too much time and money to call our relationship easy. A guy who isn’t up for that is failing your test, not the other way around—and Arie failed Lauren B.’s.
So, was this article just a plug for Lauren B. and Arie getting their own spin-off? Absolutely not and I’d die before watching that. But as horrendously blah as she is on-screen, think carefully about how your own anxiety and subpar people skills. Lauren B. is not a cardboard cutout. She’s just a person who does poorly in the spotlight and opted to be on national TV.
Images: Giphy (3); Getty
Labor Day has come and gone, which means it’s time to pack away your white clothing resting betch faces that are officially so last season. While RBF never goes out of style, we highly recommend freshening up your look every few months to stay trendy and keep your acquaintances on edge so they’re genuinely afraid of you. As always, we’ve got the chicest betch faces for you to choose from, that are certifiably terrifying and extremely on brand.
Here are our top five picks for Fall 2017:
It’s no secret that drag queens have been slaying RBF since forever, but RuPaul’s look is currently shining especially bright. With a hit TV show and better bone structure than anyone on the planet, her look is one that says “You’re wasting my time” before you even get the chance to speak. As we enter winter/cuffing season, we love RuPaul’s betch face for first dates, work meetings, and other situations where your superiority must be instantly known.
2. Bella Thorne
Bella Thorne is obvi a trainwreck, which is why her resting face of pure washed-up exhaustion will speak to betches who barely survived the summer and are not excited for fall. Her chaotic life has clearly taken a toll, both mentally and physically, and her resting face somehow captures all of it. The Bella Thorne is a must-have for hungover brunch, waiting in line for birth control at the pharmacy, and any time this fall when you simply cannot and will not.
3. Prince George And Princess Charlotte
Prince George and Princess Charlotte aren’t even five years old yet and they’re already over smiling to keep the peasants entertained. With a third sibling on the way, they’re more than ready to let the newest royal child be the nice one and focus on being as bougie as possible instead. Their signature stank faces are versatile and can be worn anywhere, but we recommend trying them on an elevated surface for a fresh way to look down on other club-goers.
4. Anderson Cooper
Anderson Cooper has about fucking had it with all the shit that’s gone down this year, and his RBF is simply stunning as a result. His look of utter disgust is completely effortless, and his spirit seems truly hardened after being forced to engage with the current state of American politics on a daily basis. Will he ever recover? We’re not sure, but that’s what makes his look so hot right now and perfect for letting people know you’re woke and therefore permanently pissed.
5. Raven Symone
Just in time for the That’s So Raven reboot, we’re seeing the Raven Symone betch face make an impressive comeback this fall. Raven has always wowed us with her ability to be joking in one instant and then all of a sudden dead-ass serious in the next. Her resting face in between lets everyone know she’s not just sassy, but will also legit ruin your life if you cross her. It’s all we can ask for out of a great RBF, which is why you little nasties can find us sporting this staple betch face pretty much every day this week.
If you’re looking for the perfect excuse to get out of doing shit for other people this summer, we’ve got just the thing for you. There’s a new study in the European Journal of Social Psychology that says people in uncomfortably hot environments are much less likely to help others. Basically, summer is making you a bitch.
We’ve always loved complaining when we’re too hot, but now we have science to back us up. The researchers found that there’s a strong link between temperature and “prosocial behaviors,” which means that when you’re hot, you’re not going to do anything that doesn’t actually benefit you and you’ll have zero tolerance for socializing or making small talk.
Anyone: How are you doing?
One of the examples they use is employees in retail stores. If the store is too warm, the employees are going to be bitches and not offer to help you with anything. If you need something in a different size, you’ll be stuck sweating in the fitting room while the employees, like, sit around and talk shit about you. We’re always complained that stores are too cold, but at least that means you’ll be getting better service?
The study also found that people who are uncomfortably warm are way less likely to agree to fill out surveys, which is very useful information. Next time you’re in a parking lot and some lady harasses you to sign a petition, just mumble something about it being hot and run to your car. You’re not being rude…
Lastly, the researchers concluded that hot environments made people more fatigued, so it’s completely reasonable to take two naps a day in the summer. Basically, this whole study is just giving you excuses to do all the things you already do, and we’re totally here for it. Thanks science, gotta go take a nap now!
Spring has arrived which means it’s time to trade in our all black outfits for different black outfits, and more importantly, to stay on trend with the latest resting betch faces. While last season was all about mid-winter depression and post-election angst, this season is all about showcasing how warmer temperatures equal less fucks given. We’re bringing you five of our favorite new scowls for an RBF update that will have you looking bitter and better than ever.
1. Danielle Bregoli AKA “Cash Me Outside”
Danielle became a viral meme earlier this year when she went on Dr. Phil and threatened to fight an entire studio audience, whom she referred to as a bunch of hoes. Naturally, the response is that everyone fucking loves her and she now gets paid $40,000 to show up at events because it’s 2017 and God isn’t real. As a certified juvenile delinquent, the “howbow dah” girl sports RBF that feels like an instant classic, no matter how badly you want it to just go away already, and will pair well with any casual ensemble and extreme sense of entitlement this season.
2. Sean Spicer
Press Secretary Spicer has quickly become the angriest looking person in D.C., and it’s not just because you could land an airplane on the bags under his eyes. Spicey’s facial expressions, even when he’s not speaking, are filled with a vitriol only experienced by someone forced to commit political suicide everyday as part of their job. He’s 100% dead inside, and 100% a must-have in your wardrobe.
These days Lorde is extremely excited about releasing the smash hit “Green Light” off her new album, but you’d never know it by looking at her. That’s because her face naturally emanates hate beams for miles and actually has the power to kill people. Her sleek RBF look is best worn for a night out on the town and is guaranteed to elicit a worried “What’s wrong? Are you mad at me?” from everyone who crosses your path.
4. Grayson Allen
Pretty much everyone who follows college basketball hates Duke’s shooting guard Grayson Allen, but not as much as he loathes us and life in general. Allen is known for tripping his opponents and consistently demonstrating the opposite of good sportsmanship, all while flaunting his signature death stare. With Duke’s crushing loss in the NCAA tournament still so fresh, this look is literally all the rage.
5. Blue Ivy at the Grammys
Holy god damn. The world has never seen a 5-year-old harder and fiercer than Blue Ivy Carter, not that we’re surprised in the least since she’s the offspring of demi-god Beyoncé. At this year’s Grammy Awards she sported a $3,000 pink Gucci tuxedo and made everyone from James Corden to Nick Jonas feel inferior with her devastating shade. Wear it out of solidarity for Lemonade, or just wear it because you’re a fucking badass. Either way, everyone needs to be sporting the Blue Ivy betch face this spring.