As a long time listener of Taylor Swift’s music, I’ve learned a lot from her over the years, like how to only date emotionally unavailable men or how to act like a psycho when dating said emotionally unavailable men. Or that true friendship is hard to come by, especially if you’re looking for friends who collectively weigh the same as of one of your thighs. But tbh her most valuable life lesson had nothing to do with friendships or men or trying to make bangs happen for four fucking years, but rather how to live your best life as a petty fucking asshole. Because if there’s one thing Tay knows how to do, it’s how to be petty AF. Not all heroes wear capes, people. We’re mere days away from the release of Taylor’s newest album, Reputation, and I for one cannot wait to see who else she’s about to shade the fuck out of for the entire world’s entertainment. Seriously, sounds so lit. So in honor of this momentous occasion, let’s take a look back at all of the reputations Taylor has ever tried to ruin, because we all know that’s the main goal of every fucking thing she’s ever written.
Camilla was one of the first
entries in Taylor’s burn book people to make herself an enemy of Taylor’s, and she did it way back in 2010 when Taylor was still just a girl with a guitar and a hair crimper. #TBT. Camilla made the mistake of stealing Joe Jonas away from Taylor, because yes, you heard that right, this entire feud started over Joe fucking Jonas. In typical petty fashion, Taylor didn’t want to directly hash it out with Camilla and instead wrote a song about the whole thing called “Better Than Revenge”, where Taylor called her the nastiest skank bitch she’s ever met and to not trust her because she’s a fugly slut “an actress” who is “better known for the things on the mattress.” Ah, slut shaming. It’s so creative, so innovative, so blatantly insecure, and goddamnit that’s a catchy tune. I’m sure Camilla holds nothing against Taylor now, especially not when Taylor likes to incorporate the phrase “uplifting women” into every one of her awards speeches ever.
Remember when Twitter was just an outlet used by celebs to publicly shame one another for us peasants’ personal entertainment and not used by the person running our country to threaten other countries that happen to have a massive amounts of nuclear weapons? Yeah, neither can I. But back in the day in 2015, Nicki Minaj used it to call out Taylor’s win at the VMAs for Best Music Video of the Year. She said, and I quote, “If your video celebrates women with very slim bodies, you will be nominated for vid of the year.” Which feels like a very fair assessment of the world we live in. But, similar to how I think everything is about me always, Taylor took this tweet v personally instead of seeing the comment for what it really was: a statement about the racist white patriarchal society we live in. Taylor immediately tweeted back with “I’ve done nothing but love & support you. It’s unlike you to pit women against each other. Maybe one of the men took your slot.” Wowwww. Sick burn, Tay! Almost as sick as the haters gonna hate, hate, hate. What will you come up with next??
Tbh I was totally into this public shaming because I can’t fucking stand Katy Perry, and also, it resulted in the making of “Bad Blood”, which is still one of my all-time favorite Taylor Swift songs. No one knows exactly what went down between Katy and Taylor, though from this interview in Rolling Stone I can surmise the following happened:
Taylor was, of course, the girl with vintage skirt, while Katy was Regina George. No seriously, that’s basically how it went down according to Taylor so that’s obviously a factual account. After the “Bad Blood” music video came out, Taylor got criticized for shitting on more females in the industry, but like, she got a Grammy out of it and all Katy got was that tragic pageboy haircut, so who was the real winner here?
Kanye West/Kim Kardashian West
I literally can’t talk about this whole Kanye-Taylor-Kanye Again-Taylor Again-Kim Kardashian conflict any fucking more because I do not have enough hours in my day to outline this entire shit show for you again. I actually have
subreddits to troll shit to do. Can I please be excluded from this narrative? Basically, Taylor has been feuding with Kanye West since 2009, when Kanye acted like a fucking insane person and tried to ruin Taylor’s VMA’s speech. Since then they’ve gone back and forth to see who the bigger asshole is. Kim K even jumped on the bandwagon because she is thirstier than me on a Saturday at 1am drunk swiping through my Bumble matches when it comes to drama. After #SnapGate2016, Taylor retaliated with her new song, “Look What You Made Me Do”. In the song, she’s out for fucking blood with literally everyone who has ever wronged her (inspiring), but she seems to personally attack Kim and Kanye with lines like “I don’t like your tilted stage” and “I don’t like you.” Fucking savage. I have no idea how Kimye will recover from this.
John Mayer/Harry Styles/Calvin Harris
I’m grouping all of her exes together here because, again, I
need to troll the stars of Riverdale on Instagram have other important shit to do. That said, I’m pretty sure the breakups went something like this: cheated on her, cheated on her with Kendall Jenner, refused to take anymore #couplegoals pics for the Insta so she dumped him. I paraphrase. Honestly, I can’t fault the girl for wanting to roast her ex boyfriends in front of the entire fucking world, because this is actually what I also do after every single breakup. It’s v cleansing. It’s either that or report their tagged photos with the new girlfriend as “offensive material” to Instagram HQ. Ya know, either/or.
Anyone Born In The Year 1989
I guess Taylor decided to take a break from shitting on all of her ex-boyfriends and went after an enemy more manageable than Hollywood’s entire male population: anyone born in the year 1989. That’s right, Taylor tried to trademark a year in which millions of people were born just so no one would “rip off her merch.” *slow claps* I aspire to be this petty. Do you think she teaches a class? I’d love to know how I can go about trademarking 1992.
The level of pettiness Taylor Swift uses in her every day life is truly inspiring tbh. Here’s hoping that one day I’ll feel confident enough to literally shade every human being who has ever breathed near me instead of just anonymously blasting them in my articles. In the meantime, I can’t wait for Reputation! Who else thinks Taylor wrote a last-minute bonus track to talk shit about her bff going back to her shitty ex? *cough* SELENA GOMEZ *cough* Fingers crossed!