What You Need To Know About The $2 Trillion Coronavirus Relief Package

Well, well, well, look who decided to do their jobs. After a contentious few days of disagreeing on what tf should be included in the coronavirus bill, it is starting to look like Democrats, Republicans and the White House have agreed that economic collapse occasioned by a global pandemic should have some sort of financial remedy.

Democrats received some heat after rejecting the original coronavirus bill drafted by Republicans, but it looks as though their move has paid off. Revisions have been made that will support working people and, stay with me here, not give a blank check to big businesses.

Gotta love when your government is like, “UGH okay, FINE, we’ll consider the value of human lives as opposed to the value of money, a concept that is literally made up.”

Passed by the Senate late last night, the final product is the largest economic stimulus in modern history. Even bigger than 2009.

So, what exactly is included in this bad boy? I’m gonna break that down for you, hon. No, no, it’s really no problem. I’ve been able to set aside some time in my VERY busy quarantined schedule. Had to postpone sitting in my room and staring at the wall/screaming for this. You’re welcome.

The $500 Billion Loan Program for Businesses Will Have A Babysitter

The main ish Dems had with the Republican’s bill was how it gave so much to businesses and appeared to allow the Trump Admin to decide willy nilly which businesses get what amount, which they cannot be trusted to do since exchanging cash for political favors is one of Trump’s favorite past times.

Now, the “corporate slush fund” at least has some checks and balances. There will likely be an appointed inspector and congressional committee which will oversee the funds. theoretically, this means big biz can’t just use the bailouts to give themselves raises and buy back their stocks (**cough post-2008 recession cough**) instead of hiring back their workers.

It also means Trump can’t just be like, “$500 billion to Trump hotels and none for Gretchen Wieners anyone else.” In fact, Minority Leader Sen. Chuck Schumer’s office announced they secured a provision that will “prohibit businesses controlled by the President, Vice President, Members of Congress, and heads of Executive Departments from receiving loans or investments from Treasury programs.” We love to see it.

Municipalities will also have access to this fund

Unemployment Is Getting A Glow Up

Idk if you heard, but coronavirus is ruining everything and has led to a lot of people getting laid off. A massive 3.3 million people filed for unemployment last week. Our programs are not equipped for this kind of crisis. It’s almost like government-funded benefits serve a purpose and are meant to be in place for times like this? Hm, will have to look into this later.

Anyway, since the current unemployment programs can’t possibly cover everyone who needs them right now, this bill proposes to help them out. The bill will increase unemployment insurance by $600 per week for four months. This benefit would extend to gig economy workers, freelancers, and furloughed workers who are still getting health insurance from their employers but are not receiving a paycheck.

If you have recently been laid off, this is for you. You can file for unemployment! And if you’re a freelancer or gig worker who has lost work, you can apply now too, which was not the case before.

$1,200 Checks Oprah Style. Kind Of.

Okay this one applies to many of us. Yay. Adults who make $75k or less annually, according to their tax returns, will receive a one time check of $1,200. You also get $500 per child in your household.

This is nice but is a bit of a bandaid on a bullet wound situation, imo. There’s no guarantee that more money will be coming, and tbh $1,200 doesn’t go that far for many of us. For many, this will mean being able to pay rent and then continuing to worry about how to put food on the table. For others it will mean being able to put a small dent in medical bills they have been slammed with because of coronavirus.

It’s a start, and I hope it provides you with some relief, but I hope to see more int he future.

At a press conference on Wednesday, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin said he expects direct payments to go out in about three weeks.

Hospitals Can Have A Little Help, As A Treat

Thank fucking god. Hospitals are, uh, pretty important during a pandemic. Go figure. The bill will contain $150 billion for hospitals treating coronavirus patients. $100 billion will go to hospitals, $1 billion will go to the Indian Health Service, and the remainder will be used to increase medical equipment capacity.

Wild that privatizing healthcare didn’t hold up in the end.

Small Businesses Can Hang Too

There would be $367 billion in the bill aimed at providing loans for small businesses that retain their workers in this bill. Amazing that smaller, local businesses, which typically make less money than large businesses, get less money from the government than the big ones who don’t need it as much do.

Incredible system. No notes.

I sincerely hope this helps keep our favorite local cafes, bars, restaurants, boutiques, etc. afloat.

And A Lil’ Something For Local Gov

With the bill, $150 billion would be given to state and local governments who are dealing with the impacts of the crisis in their local communities, including $8 billion for tribal governments. That’s nice.

The bill also includes eliminated interest on student loans through September, $400 million to support main-in voting, $450 million for the Emergency Food Assistance Program, and a delay on the REAL ID requirement.

Is This It?

Not if it’s up to Nancy Pelosi. The Speaker of the House said she hopes to send another round of direct payments to Americans in a subsequent package.

 

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Here’s What to Expect From The Impeachment Hearings

Public impeachment hearings start tomorrow, and like literally every day since November 4th, 2016, it’s bound to be a sh*t show. The public will be able to watch the hearings, which is what the Republicans wanted, but that seems off because I, a liberal woman, am excited about it? It seems like the hearings are going to be pretty damning for Trump, and letting the general public see that for themselves could lead to people losing faith in the president. On the other hand, sounds great to me! Is this what straight dudes feel like on the eve of the “Superbowl?” Anyway, here’s what to expect when expecting the president to get impeached.

When Exactly Are The Hearings?

First things first. The initial hearing is on Wednesday morning at 10am EST. The second hearing is on Friday at 9am EST. Both of these are usually during the sacred time when I hit ‘snooze’ for the 17th time of the morning, but I’m willing to make an exception for these iconic events.

Who Will Be Starring in These Hearings?

Great Q. Adam Schiff will be calling three major witnesses who have already testified behind closed doors. Those people are:

William Taylor: Homeboi is the guy who texted Gordon Sondland after the infamous Ukraine call and was all like, “Yoooo, are we really saying that security assistance and WH meeting are conditioned on investigations? Seems pretty sketch lol,” (paraphrasing), and then Sondland was all like, “Dude, call me. We can’t have this in writing.” (paraphrasing) Taylor’s testimony behind closed doors didn’t look good for Trump, as he made it clear that there seemed to be a quid pro quo directly at the center of the call, so we’re looking forward to round two in his public hearing! Oh, William Taylor is also the top diplomat in Ukraine, so kind of a big deal.

George Kent: This guy is the deputy assistant secretary of state for European and Eurasian affairs, and he previously went awf on how Rudy Giuliani is a moron went against the traditional bipartisan approach regarding U.S. support for Ukraine in an effort to push for political investigations. We love to see it.

Marie Yovanovitch: A queen!!! You may remember her as the woman who was ousted from her position as the U.S. ambassador to Ukraine, which she says was due to her lack of blind support for Trump. She said that she was told by Ukrainians to “watch my back” because Giuliani’s associates were pushing their business interests and viewed her as an obstacle. Tea!!!

WTF Is Gonna Happen?

Another great Q. The country is clearly divided, and it’s hard to say if these hearings will help persuade people into believing that the president should be impeached. Call me cynical, but I have a feeling those who believe he should be impeached will continue to feel that way, and those who don’t will continue to come up with whatever they need to in order to make some roundabout argument that Trump is a god.

Either way, Democrats are likely to keep pushing what they have been during this process: that Trump withheld military aid from Ukraine for political gain, and for that he should be impeached because of it. Their strategy seems to be to simply make what was made clear behind closed doors public.

Republicans have come up with a lot of ways to defend the president’s actions, but a memo with their defense plan was released by CNN and it looks like their main talking points will be that a) the July 25 call summary “shows no conditionality or evidence of pressure”, b) Zelensky and Trump have said there was no pressure on the call, c) the Ukrainian government was not aware of the hold on assistance during the July 25 call and d) the security assistance hold was lifted on September 11. There are some holes in these arguments, so stay tuned to see how they defend them.

 

Will The Republicans Call Witnesses?

Devin Nunes has sent a list of people the Republicans would like to call as witnesses, though the House has to sign off on them. The Repubs famously want to call the original whistleblower as a witness, which would go against protecting their identity and put their life at risk. So, yeah, that’s probs not going to happen. Looking forward to seeing Lindsey Graham cry about it, though.

So, Then What?

There will likely be more hearings the following week, but Democrats have made it clear that they want to wrap this all up quickly, ideally by the end of the year. The Intelligence Committee will prepare a report with recommendations and send it on over to the House Judiciary Committee. Then the House Judiciary Committee will be in charge of drafting any impeachment articles they see fit. The House Judiciary Committee is also likely to hold hearings. Once they draft their impeachment articles, there will be a House vote on whether or not to impeach the prez. So basically, there will be lots of hearings and lots of committees. Rude that the only committee I am a part of — The Itty Bitty Titty Committee — will not be asked to make any input, but ok.

So Like, Will Trump Be Forced to Leave Office?

Tbh, probs not. Again, I’m cynical, but the past few years haven’t given me any reason not to be. The Senate would have to vote to remove Trump from office, and Republicans are in the majority. They’ve made it pretty clear that they’ll willing to back up the president, even if it means ignoring clear evidence of wrongdoings. But who knows, maybe the Ghost of Christmas Past will visit all Republican senators this holiday season and convince them to get their moral compasses in line!!

Until then, see you at the impeachment hearing viewing party!

5 Shady Ways States Ban Abortion

Last week, Alabama passed the most restrictive abortion ban in the United States. With no exceptions for rape or incest, it’s designed to trigger a challenge to Roe v. Wade in the courts and rip the constitutional right to an abortion from every American woman. And because news in Trump’s America is a nightmare that will only end by voting in 2020, Alabama is just the latest (and most dramatic) example of a red state attempting to roll back abortion rights. Because there’s nothing like going back to a time when desperate women died from back-alley abortions to make America truly great again.

While Alabama’s abortion ban is pretty easy to understand (no abortions for anyone unless you’re likely to die without one), other states have found trickier ways to force women to give birth when they don’t want to. These incremental rollbacks are much more likely to make it to the Supreme Court than Alabama’s categorical ban, and are designed to chip away at abortion access one insurmountable hurdle after the other. Here are 5 examples of how states are restricting access to women’s constitutional right to access abortion:

1. The Full Ban

As of right now, Alabama is the only state rocking the full ban, which does not include exceptions in cases of rape or incest, but only when the mother’s life is in danger. That means if an 11-year-old girl were impregnated by her own father (it’s happened before), she would have to carry that baby to term. But tell me again how Handmaid’s Tale is just a show.

2. Time-Based Bans

These bans dramatically compress the time during which women can end a pregnancy — the type we’ve seen passed recently both in Georgia and Ohio (6 weeks) and Missouri (8 weeks). Often referred to as “fetal heartbeat bills” these bills seek to ban abortion as soon as a fetal heartbeat can be detected, which can be as early as six weeks. The tricky part about these bans is that most women don’t even realize that they’ve missed a period by six weeks and therefore could be pregnant. Women with irregular periods or cycles are at an even higher risk of realizing they’re pregnant too late to get an abortion. Also at risk are women who are on the types of birth control that might eliminate a regular period altogether. These women may not realize in time that their birth control has failed. Considering my period seems to come based solely on when it would be the most inconvenient, the idea of having a two-week window to realize something’s wrong is f*cking terrifying.

Current legal precedent, as determined by 1992’s Supreme Court ruling in Planned Parenthood v. Casey, basically protects women’s right to access abortion up to around 24 weeks of pregnancy, the time of fetal “viability” or when the fetus could survive outside the womb. States are allowed to apply regulations before that period, as long as they don’t create an “undue burden” for women trying to access the procedure. The problem is, almost all of them do. Some federal courts are currently considering whether bans at 6 weeks create this “undue burden.” Um, duh?

3. Bans Targeting Clinics

These laws aim to make accessing abortion as onerous and expensive as possible in lieu of straight up banning the procedure. They’re a group of laws commonly referred to as TRAP laws, or targeted regulation of abortion providers, and 24 states currently have laws or policies that regulate abortion providers beyond what is medically necessary to ensure patient safety. Some examples include requiring doctors who perform abortions to have to admitting privileges at nearby hospitals, which creates a host of problems and inconveniences. (In some states the majority of hospitals are affiliated with the Catholic Church and will not admit doctors who perform abortions.) Some states have required that abortion clinics meet “ambulatory surgical center regulations,” which often would require cost-prohibitive renovations for a clinic to be compliant. Medical practitioners and public health groups have deemed these restrictions medically unnecessary.

The Supreme Court has already blocked a number of these restrictions, concluding that they create an “undue burden” for women trying to access abortion services. In February, SCOTUS blocked Louisiana’s admitting privileges law that would have left just one clinic in the state from going into effect. But the block is temporary, and the Supreme Court is currently considering whether to add the case to its 2019 docket and decide whether it’s constitutional. Meanwhile, abortion providers in Kentucky are currently challenging a law related to ambulatory requirements.

4. Laws Targeting Women

There are lots of laws that seek to dissuade, inconvenience, or shame women into not getting an abortion. Currently, 11 states have laws mandating transvaginal ultrasounds (aka putting a giant rod up your cooter) so that women can “see the fetus” before going through with an abortion. Long waiting periods are also common, which can have a profound impact on low-income women because it requires patients to 1) travel to far away clinics since these laws are found most heavily in states with very few clinics 2) take off work for the duration and waiting period and 3) put themselves up in a nearby hotel for that time. Some laws also make it legal to straight-up lie to women about their abortions by forcing doctors to read a “prepared script” full of misinformation, including that an abortion can cause breast cancer (it cannot).

In South Dakota, women seeking abortions are required by law to get anti-abortion counseling at crisis pregnancy centers, which are essentially fake abortion clinics that have been found to give people misleading or false information about their pregnancy to trick them into not having an abortion. In some cases, crisis pregnancy centers have promised women financial support for their baby, then ghosted the woman once she got past the legal limit to have her abortion. How Christian of them.

5. Laws Targeting Types of Abortions

As you may know, there are two main types of abortion: dilation and curettage, which may include vacuum aspiration (surgical abortion) or medical abortion, which uses two pills. Oklahoma lawmakers have tried to ban and restrict use of the abortion bill, and its Supreme Court blocked both attempts. States often use the FDA to justify these restrictions, which mandates very specific protocol and bans prescribing the pills via telemedicine, which would enhance access for millions of women in rural America.

Wow. I’m shook from even writing about all of that. If this has you terrified and wanting to help, check out our article How to Help Women in States with Extreme Abortion Bans for state and regionally-specific info, or check in with your local Planned Parenthood.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Trump Used The Turkey Pardoning To Try Out Stand-Up Comedy

One of America’s weirdest presidential traditions is letting people who lost the popular vote still become president the turkey pardon, and considering Donald Trump is literally the drama president, it should come as no surprise that he used his turkey pardoning this year to start sh*t and drag people. I mean, what do we expect from a reality TV personality? We know he’s not here to make friends.

Today White House turkeys Peas and Carrots were pardoned by President Trump, officially joining the ranks of such illustrious figures as convicted illegal campaign donation felon Dinesh D’Souza and sheriff who made pregnant detainees give birth in chains Joe Arpaio. And if you thought President Trump would use this occasion to talk about the meaning of Thanksgiving and how it relates to the need for bi-partisanship in Washington, a true lol to you. President Trump wasted no time using the turkey pardoning to talk sh*t about Democrats in a series of jokes that I’m pissed to admit were actually kind of funny.

First, he warned Peas and Carrots that, though they’ve been pardoned, they still may face a subpoena from the House Intelligence Committee:

At the annual White House turkey pardon just now, Pres. Trump took a Thanksgiving-themed swipe at Democrats: “Even though Peas and Carrots have received a presidential pardon, I have warned them that House Democrats are likely to issue them both subpoenas” https://t.co/QYgxOoTOJC pic.twitter.com/7NLo1oVA88

— CBS News (@CBSNews) November 20, 2018

It’s funny because it might happen to his own children! Then, the President Petty also got in a dig at the Florida recount. Because nothing says “Thanksgiving” like an old racist guy bringing up some settled drama just to start sh*t with the liberals in attendance.

WATCH NOW: President Trump pardons turkey at White House in annual tradition https://t.co/QYgxOoTOJC pic.twitter.com/JY8eclm8Jr

— CBS News (@CBSNews) November 20, 2018

It’s funny because it undermines the validity of future election results! Honestly, are we sure that Trump is not attending the White House Correspondents’ Dinner this year? Because he’s just a few jokes short of a tight five. I mean, Obama got a Netflix show when he left office, so maybe Trump will get a stand-up special? Weirder things have happened. For example, the fact that he’s president in the first place.

On a separate note, good on Barron for setting aside party politics and fulfilling the traditional first child’s role of looking bored as f*ck throughout the entire turkey pardoning and side-eying all of their dad’s weird Thanksgiving humor. He might be the only Trump who actually filled his predecessor’s shoes perfectly:

Props to Barron for continuing the Obama-era tradition of first children looking like they want to die throughout the entire turkey pardoning pic.twitter.com/C3tM6oSCQO

— Alise Morales (@AliseNavidad) November 20, 2018

No matter how you feel about the president using a holiday celebration to attack his political opponents with some surprisingly well-crafted zingers, I think we can all agree that we can’t wait to see the jokes he makes at next year’s pardoning of Don Jr.!

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

The 6 Craziest Moments From Trump’s Post-Election Press Conference

What are the midterm elections if not another opportunity for our terror in chief to address the nation? After Dems took back the House (woo!) and Republicans strengthened their hold on the Senate (eye roll) Trump held a press conference with the agenda to One would think he would concisely address the events of the night before but Trump isn’t one to do what anyone “thinks.” You can read the entire transcript here, or instead take a shot of something strong and read our five main takeaways: 

1) When He Threatened Democrats

Before the speech even started, trump took to twitter to threaten the newly Democratic-held House. Where does that strategy fall in speechwriting techniques? Somewhere between ethos and pathos, I think.  Bold start, inn my opinion.

If the Democrats think they are going to waste Taxpayer Money investigating us at the House level, then we will likewise be forced to consider investigating them for all of the leaks of Classified Information, and much else, at the Senate level. Two can play that game!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2018

2) When He Called A Reporter Racist

Takes on to know one. When asked about his embracing of the term “nationalist,” President Trump used his incredible intellect to turn the tables on PBS reporter Yamiche Alcindor by saying it was actually her question that was racist, not him. Great work, Donald!

WATCH: @PBS @NewsHour White House correspondent @Yamiche Alcindor today at a WH news conference asked @realdonaldtrump whether calling himself a nationalist on the campaign trail has been emboldening white nationalists. President Trump replied, “That’s such a racist question.” pic.twitter.com/dzrTG9Yoxn

— PBS NewsHour (@NewsHour) November 7, 2018

3) When He Attacked The Media (Duh)

As a sane person you might wonder, “what record did the media break?” That is a great question that isn’t really answered at all, but it is something Trump really seemed to harp on. He managed to say that the media coverage was “hostile” and that it “set a new record and new standard.” Perhaps he is referring to the new standard of making me feel like I belong in a psych ward, in which case, yes I agree with you Mr. Trump.

4) When He Compared Himself To Obama

What Trump speech would be complete without comparing himself to our former president? Trump displayed basic understanding of math when he listed the number of seats Obama lost in his midterm elections. Honestly, cherish those moments when Trump is stating clear facts. We literally may never see that again. But also listing off Obama losing 63 seats in the House in 2010 does feel like a third grader rattling off the one fact he knows in hopes of looking impressive. Anyone can Google this stuff, Don.

5) When He Gave Props To Oprah

In a brief moment of clarity, Trump said that Oprah worked very hard in Georgia and “I don’t know if she likes me anymore, but that’s okay.” However, it is unclear how a person can just be okay with Oprah not liking them. This only confirms how delusional he is.

6) When Acosta Got Accosted

In the questions portions of the speech Trump had a very volatile exchange with CNN’s Jim Acosta. Trump told him to his face that he was a “Rude terrible person, shouldn’t be working for CNN.”  After the exchange, the White House rescinded Acosta’s press pass. CNN then released a statement condemning this. Drama!

BREAKING: White House aide grabs and tries to physically remove a microphone from CNN Correspondent Jim Acosta during a contentious exchange with President Trump at a news conference. pic.twitter.com/Ml1OvlXpa9

— MSNBC (@MSNBC) November 7, 2018

Ah yes, what is that smell? The idea of a free press being burnt in front of us. Terrifying! 

 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

WTF Happened In The 2018 Midterms?

Unfortunately for Democrats, the 2018 midterm election yesterday wasn’t exactly the sweeping “blue wave,” that was desired. While democrats had some serious victories, blue waves were met with equally fierce red walls, reminding everyone that loyalty to President Trump is still alarmingly strong. Is there a magical Kool-aid I’m not drinking here? Is Trump using Jafar from Aladdin’s golden serpent to send half the country into a trance? Or, is it just a money > morals situation? We’ll never know.

However, let’s focus on the good because we’re glass-half-full kind of betches. The turnout to the polls is set to be historic, and it’s not just because of Taylor Swift (Thank you for your effort though, Tay).  Approximately 114 million voters cast their ballots yesterday in the United States compared to 83 million in 2014. And while President Trump has already declared the election a “huge victory” for Republicans, Democrats now have new tools in the resistance and they’re more powerful than ever in his administration.

fight me let's go GIF by Mr. Paradise

1. Democrats Took Over The House 

Hell yeah they did. Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), who is hoping to snag the role of Speaker of the House again, said  in her victory speech that “tomorrow will be a new day in America.” Yes, Nancy. Statewide wins for Democrats in Wisconsin and Michigan are particularly notable as those are considered states that cost Hillary Clinton the 2016 presidential election.

2. Republicans Kept Control Of The Senate 

The senate loss for democrats was, well, a big loss. If house democrats want to impeach Trump, they would be met with a senate who will never go for it. However, democrats weren’t exactly on track to take the senate and there were some truly impressive races, which leads us to…

3. Ted Cruz Beat Beto O’Rourke In Texas, But It Was Close Af

Any candidate who can get Beyoncé to endorse them is alright by me. O’Rourke was adorable and brave, and the race was insanely close. This is huge for Texas, a notoriously red state as O’Rourke got 4,015,082 votes and Cruz landed 4,228,832.

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I’m feeling grateful for everyone before me who fought so hard to give us all the right to have a voice. We can’t voice our frustrations and complain about what’s wrong without voting and exercising our power to make it right. We need you. We all need each other, because when we are truly united we are unstoppable. Sending you all love and positivity on this happy voting day! Every vote counts Every race matters Everywhere.

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4. It Was The Year Of The Woman Pt. 2

Praise be. A total of 115 women won national office so far last night. Four of them are veterans and 42 of them are women of color. This is exciting as hell! We might actually be able to prevent the making of “True Life: America Became the Handmaid’s Tale.”

5. There Was A  “Rainbow Wave”

Here’s some hope for the future! Last night, we elected the first Muslim women in the House of Representatives with two Democrats: Michigan’s Rashida Tlaib, and Minnesota’s Ilhan Omar. Also, Democrats Sharice Davids (member of the LGBT community) of Kansas and Deb Haaland of New Mexico are the first Native American women in the House of Representatives. Veronica Escobar and Sylvia Garcia of Texas will be the first Latinas in the house. Jared Polis, a Democrat from Colorado is the first openly gay governor. Ayanna Pressley will be the first black woman to represent Massachusetts in the house and we got the youngest ever member of congress: 29-year-old millennial treasure, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. All of these people represent a new chapter for the house and for America. Diversity is powerful and hope is on the horizon!

So, while we didn’t wake up to a totally new country, last night was a powerful effort and an overall step in the right direction.

michelle obama hope GIF by Obama

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

This New Mail Service Could Totally Change Abortion Access In The U.S.

There are a lot of things you can do by mail. You can pay your bills, you can vote, and now you can even get an abortion. That’s right mail-order-brides, step aside because there’s a new in demand, and possibly illegal (depending on your state and/or where Brett Kavanaugh is at in his hangover) service coming to the U.S. We’re talking about mail order abortions and yes, this is legit a thing.

But before you ask, “Are Americans seriously so lazy that they can’t even go out to get abortions now?” take a pause. In reality, getting an abortion in the U.S.  can be very difficult, despite it being legal. Many states make it virtually impossible for a woman to terminate her pregnancy, and with Justice Fratbro joining the Supreme Court who knows how long Roe v. Wade will hold up. That’s part of the reason that Rebecca Gomperts, a Dutch physician and women’s rights activist, launched a mail based abortion service six months ago in the U.S. The service is known as “Aid Access” in the U.S and “Women on Web” internationally, where Gomperts has been offering the ability to get at home abortion drugs to women in countries that are two seconds from Handmaid’s Tale oppressed healthcare systems.

WTF Is An At Home Abortion?

So first of all, you don’t have to figure out how to perform surgery on yourself to do this. Think of it as Plan C, a pill that can be used up to 10 weeks into the pregnancy. You receive the pills (mifepristone and misoprostol) in the mail, which you can take at home and will result in the termination of your pregnancy. These are the same drugs that doctors use and are approved by the FDA, however in most states they are not approved for personal use. Those are typically the same states that make you jump through hoops to get an abortion in the first place, so definitely double check your state’s specific rules before hitting “pay now” at checkout.

Is This Safe?

Great q. Based on one study where women self reported the results of taking the pills at home, it seems to have very few negative side effects. Gomperts also does an online consultation with the women beforehand to assess if they fit very specific criteria that ensure it is safe. Then she fills the prescription through a trusted pharmacist in India. The biggest risk that many women face for using this service is being arrested for self-managed abortion, which, like I said before kind of a big no no in many states. In many cases the women who have been arrested for at home abortions have been turned in by someone else (it be ya own besties), so if you are considering this make sure you only tell your tight lipped friends or ones that will bail you out of jail. Also maybe take a quick vacay to a state where this is legal just to be safe?

This service will most definitely face opposition from the lovely men (and some women – Susan Collins what’s good?) in Congress who love to dictate what women can and cannot do with their bodies. (Though, of course, no one can ever tell a man what he can or cannot do with his gun.) The FDA is also currently investigating Aid Access “to assess potential violations of U.S. law,” so there’s a chance the service could be shut down by having its FDA approval revoked. For now, it’s one very good option for women who are in need and cannot get an abortion from a doctor because of the barriers put in place in their state. The pills cost $95 total and Aid Access says it will help women who can not afford the price still get the care they need.

In the end, it is up to the individual if they would like to go through with this, but if America’s healthcare system is messed up enough that women are actually ordering abortion pills by mail from India, it’s safe to say there are larger problems at work here.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Updated: Here Are All The Democrats Who’ve Received “Suspicious Packages” So Far

All hail the Secret Service. On Wednesday, they intercepted explosive devices sent to Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. In case that news wasn’t sh*tty enough, both CNN’s New York office and the office of Florida Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz also received suspicious packages, and had to evacuate. This act of domestic terrorism was aimed at many of President Donald Trump’s favorite targets.

A law enforcement official told the New York Times that Wednesday’s explosive devices bore similarities to the pipe bomb found in Democratic donor George Soros’s mailbox on Monday. Thankfully, none of these devices have physically harmed anyone.

So hmm, what do all of these targeted people and companies have in common? Could it be that the president of the United States habitually demonizes them, stoking the flames of hatred towards them because it serves his agenda and helps him consolidate his power? Just a thought. Meanwhile, the Secret Service confirmed that reports of a bomb being sent to the White House were incorrect, because of course.

CLARIFICATION: At this time the Secret Service has intercepted TWO suspicious packages – one in NY and one in D.C. Reports of a third intercepted package addressed to the WH are incorrect. We refer media to our statement: https://t.co/lJdTn04KmI

— U.S. Secret Service (@SecretService) October 24, 2018

Law enforcement agencies are currently investigating the attacks, and hopefully will bring whatever f*cked up person did this to justice. In the meantime, White House spokeswoman Sarah Sanders said, in a statement, “These terrorizing acts are despicable, and anyone responsible will be held accountable to the fullest extent of the law.”

Cool words, Sarah. But the real way to show condemn these explosive devices is to stop smearing the people who received them. And maybe, while they’re at it, all those in the White House professing outrage could take away Trump’s access to Twitter?

UPDATE 10/24/18: A string of prominent Democrats have continued to receive suspicious packages today, including New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, Rep. Maxine Watersand former Attorney General Eric HolderSen. Kamala Harris’ San Diego offices were also evacuated, but that turned out to be a false alarm.

Many of the nation’s top Republicans have come out to publicly condemn what appears to be an attempted domistic terrorist attack. Maybe this will make Washington see past their differences and come together as human beings? (Probs not but still…)

We condemn the attempted attacks against fmr Pres Obama, the Clintons, @CNN & others. These cowardly actions are despicable & have no place in this Country. Grateful for swift response of @SecretService, @FBI & local law enforcement. Those responsible will be brought to justice.

— Vice President Mike Pence (@VP) October 24, 2018

Following explosive devices sent to CNN’s Columbus Circle offices, Hillary Clinton’s home and Barack Obama’s office, @senatemajldr issued a statement condemning the attempted acts of domestic terrorism. pic.twitter.com/whtTIzxmSG

— Annie Andersen (@Annie_Andersen) October 24, 2018

I agree wholeheartedly! https://t.co/ndzu0A30vU

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 24, 2018

Those behind such reprehensible acts must be brought to justice. We cannot tolerate any attempt to terrorize public figures. I am grateful to the @SecretService, Capitol Police, and all law enforcement who guard against these threats. https://t.co/HUQQxynU9h

— Paul Ryan (@SpeakerRyan) October 24, 2018

UPDATE 10/25/18: There are new reports of suspicious packages sent to former VP Joe Biden in Delaware and Robert De Niro (random) in New York. This brings the total number of suspicious packages to 10, which is frankly 10 too many suspicious packages.

The President first addressed the packages at a White House event yesterday. You can watch his full remarks here:

Then he addressed them again at a rally last night in Wisconsin, where he blamed the the media for stoking fears and division:

No mention of the fact that he literally praised someone for body slamming a reporter like, a week ago tho…

Update 10/25/18 10:30am: Additional suspicious packages were found sent to Senator Cory Booker and to former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper, bringing the total suspicious package count to 12. Now the FBI is reportedly focusing on a mail distribution center in Opa-Locka Florida in connection to the packages. It is believed that several of the packages went through that processing center soooo yeah that seems like a pretty good clue.

Update 10/25/18: 11:20am: Federal authorities have arrested a man in connection to the suspicious packages. That’s literally all we know. You can follow live developments on this story on CNN here.

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