It’s Hard Being An Average-Looking Jewish Fan Of ‘The Bachelor’

I’ve been a Bachelor fan for over seven years, and while our relationship has always been one-sided — me committing every Monday night to the show and getting nothing but broken engagements in return—I may finally be close to reaching my breaking point. While I’ve been getting older, the contestants have been getting younger. While I’ve become more convinced that no God could possibly allow *gestures broadly at the world* this, the leads have been getting more religious. While I look more and more like my great aunt Connie each day, my jawline receding like Steve Carell’s hair in the early seasons of The Office, the women look more and more like the same impossibly beautiful Instagram model. Hannah B., Hannah G., Hannah Ann — shouldn’t you at least try using a different first name?

I miss the days when contestants would show up to Paradise with new lips, higher and thicker brows, a fresh batch of highlights, and a growing thirst for sponsorships. Back then, we’d at least get a glimpse of their “before”. But now it seems ABC will only cast women who have either completed their transformations or were gifted with unnatural beauty and a 0% body fat at birth. Has someone started a Bachelor franchise farm somewhere where women are bred with the intention of reaching an Emily Ratajkowski level of perfection? Because I spent some time in the world before the pandemic, and I’m pretty confident that the majority of humans don’t look like this . Where are you finding these people????

But it’s not just the entirely unrealistic and arguably destructive beauty standards that have, over the past few years, made it harder and harder for me to relate to the show, to listen to Chris Harrison talk, to believe in love. It’s also that producers appear to be more afraid to show Jewish (and other non-Christian) storylines than I am to talk politics with my conservative aunt on Facebook. Sure, there have been Jewish contestants (Adam Gottschalk, Lacey Mark and Jason Tartick, to name a few), but did you know they were Jewish? And if you did, did you know that while they were on the show or because like me, you have a fun little hobby of googling “is xxx Jewish” every time someone remotely Semitic-looking appears on your television screen?

While there are as many Jesus references and cross necklaces as there are “perfect places to fall in love”, you’d be hard-pressed to find any air time spent on a belief other than Christianity. Even last season, when Tayshia broke up with one of her final three over their religious differences, the show didn’t air the discussion about what those differences were. Who am I kidding, we can’t even get them to acknowledge the existence of agnosticism and I’m over here hoping we’ll get a hometown date with a nice Shabbat dinner.

But season after season I keep coming back. If Jesus still loves Hannah B. after she had sex with Pilot Pete four times in a windmill right before dumping him, can’t The Bachelor still love me after I refuse to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior?

It’s not like I’m asking for a Bachelor-like love story for myself. In fact, I turn to the show for reassurance: even ridiculously good-looking people pick the wrong men, even the Tyler C.’s of the world get rejected, even a show about finding love has somehow managed to… barely ever find it. But I am asking to be able to see myself reflected in one of the many Hannahs of the franchise — it’s a very popular Jewish name for God’s (and Jesus’) sake! And fine, maybe they have a binding contract with the Emily Ratajkowski farm and are strictly prohibited from casting an average-looking woman, but the least they could do is cast someone who doesn’t have a Bible verse in their Instagram bio.

The opening scene of Matt James’ season showed some promise :  a short brunette strolling up to Matt and introducing him to her vibrator. But I’m afraid the shelf life of its relatability for me lasted about as long as Peter and Hannah Ann’s engagement. Because, before even getting a first impression rose, we got the first group prayer. And as Matt knelt down to pray to “Heavenly Father” on behalf of all of the women, I couldn’t help but puke wonder—what the f*ck am I still doing watching this show?

Anyway, I’ll be tuning in all season to see if anything changes . Because just like with any toxic relationship where I feel neglected, taken advantage of, and generally unworthy, I’d rather have that than nothing at all.

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; giphy (3); @BrettSVergara

I Couldn’t Live My Life Until I Gave Up My Fundamentalist Upbringing

I was 7 years old, sitting on top of the toilet seat, hiding, shaking, crying. Every time I closed my eyes I saw flames. “When I die, will I go to Hell?” I asked myself. I said the sinner’s prayer over and over so I would be saved from the fire. “I Admit that I’m a sinner; I Believe that Jesus died for my sins; I Confess that He is my personal Lord and Savior.” I closed my eyes for the hundredth time, but I still saw flames. I stood up shakily as I heard mom yelling from the living room to get dressed. I put on the dreaded pantyhose that made my skin crawl, and the skirt that gave me claustrophobia, and we drove to the church. Sitting there in the audience, my dad hovered above us, preaching from behind the pulpit. He asked, “Do you know where you will go when you die?” The feeling started again, my chest tightened, I shut my eyes; I felt panic. I started whispering, “I admit, I believe, I confess, I admit, I believe, I confess…” In my heart I answered, “Yes, I will go to Heaven.” But then my preacher father asked, “But do you KNOW, that you KNOW that KNOW…

My 7-year-old self suppressed what would be the second panic attack I had on that Sunday. I could feel what seemed like everyone staring at me, and there was ringing silence in my ears. I felt so afraid, and the fear caused me to rise and stand up. The look on my father’s face when I stood was so proud. I looked down at my feet, and they began walking towards the altar. I reached the steps and was embraced by both of my parents, whose eyes were full of tears, lips curled into smiles. They cried, I cried. For a moment, I could breathe. I was saved. I would be in Heaven with my family when I died one day! At bedtime that night, I told my mom I was going to read every page of the Bible, beginning to end, and felt a twinge of guilt that I hadn’t already read the entire book of God’s word. She sweetly smiled and tucked me in. I started in Genesis and read until my eyes began falling. I gave in and closed my eyes tight, clutching my bible to my chest, but to my surprise, the back of my eyelids were not black. I saw a flicker of a flame.

Fast forward 10 years. I was sitting in church as the congregation sang their hearts out to God. The guest preacher for this particular revival left the pulpit and began running around the church. He jumped on top of the seats, and everyone exclaimed and cheered and as he yelled, “The end of the world is coming!” I felt that familiar dread, the familiar panic—what was wrong with me? I looked around and everyone was smiling or crying tears of joy, while my palms felt sweaty.

After the sermon, I approached my youth pastor. “I feel like everyone felt the presence of God, except me,” I admitted to him. “While everyone was singing and crying, I felt nothing.” His response startled me. He said, “You’re not a true Christian unless you truly meant the prayer.” There was my answer: I must not have said the prayer hard enough! I must not have believed with my entire heart! I sat there, once again, as a terrified 17-year-old, and heard the echo of my voice: “I admit, I believe, I confess.”

A month later, I was sitting in the same seat in the church, and my heart was pounding with fear. Everyone was singing, crying, worshipping, and whatever it was that made them feel, I didn’t have. I KNEW in my heart that I meant every word of the prayer. So why didn’t I feel the presence of God? I also knew in my heart that I couldn’t pay attention to a sermon for more than 10 minutes without wondering what it would be like to hold and kiss a girl who I found to be so beautiful. But my daydream was quickly interrupted by the shouting of the word “Homosexuals!” I stopped breathing.

“Homosexuals will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven,” my dad said. I could hear my own heartbeat ringing in my ears. Almost like a reflex, I snatched a pen and paper and began writing. As my dad spoke, I wrote. As he preached about the eternal fires of Hell, I wrote about my doubts of religion. As he screamed that sinners were going to Hell, I wrote about how maybe my sin wasn’t a sin. The opening line of my scribbling was something to the effect of, “Religion is wrong.” I didn’t know where this was coming from—it was almost like I wasn’t writing it myself—but it was also almost like this was the first time I was ever being truly honest with myself.

 

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Pages has a 100k streams?! Guys, I won’t lie. I really wasn’t expecting this. Circumstances kept me from releasing any new music for almost two years, and I was so scared to try again. THANK YOU. What is your vibe with the song? Tell me everything.

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My dad finished the sermon, and I went to throw away my writing, but something stopped me. I knew what I had written was wrong, but it felt so personal that I felt like I needed to keep it. I carefully folded the piece of paper into a square and stuck it in my back pocket. I climbed into the pickup truck after my dad, and after we pulled into the driveway of our home, he looked at me and said, “Hand it over.” I felt the piece of paper burning into my backside.

“Ummm, hand what over?”

“You know what I’m talking about,” he said. “You weren’t listening to my sermon, you were being disrespectful and were writing instead. Hand it to me.”

For the first time that I can recall, I spoke back to my father: “No. These are my own personal thoughts.”

We got out of the truck, and he reached into my pocket, pulled it out, and told me to wait in my room while he read it. That was the longest 15 minutes of my life. Each second of the clock felt like the ticking of a bomb.

He came into my room after what seemed like an eternity, grabbed me by the skin under my chin, and said through gritted teeth, “What I tell you is the TRUTH.” He lectured me until after midnight, and when he left the room, all I could do was stare out my window and fantasize how great it would be to open it, slip out, and run as fast as I could as far away as possible. Instead, I pulled out my headphones and began listening to Avril Lavigne.

Now, you have to understand, I was ONLY allowed to listen to Christian music, and Avril Lavigne was not singing about Jesus. A friend had given me the CD, and I had hidden it. That night, I had been pushed to the edge. I couldn’t bear the thought of listening to praise and worship, so I reached for the only thing I owned that wasn’t about God.

And I pushed play—big mistake. An hour later, my dad came back storming into my room and caught me red-handed listening to the music. He yanked it from me and disappeared. He listened to every song on that CD, and then I heard his footsteps coming down the hall. He put the CD in the stereo, and he played each and every song. It was a school night, and it was well past midnight. After each song ended, he would ask, “What is this song about?” I would say, “I don’t know,” and his response would be, “Well it’s not about God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit…so what is it about?” To which I would have to respond: “Sex, dad.”

This went on for hours—I got maybe an hour or two of sleep before school. My close friend took one look at me and asked what happened. How do you explain to someone that you might be gay, you’re having doubts about your religion, your dad caught you with secular music, if there is a Hell, you’re quite possibly going there, and you were up all night dissecting the hidden meaning of Aril Lavigne’s album? I wanted to tell her everything, run away, and never come back.

A few months later, I finally did hold the hand of that beautiful girl. And when I closed my eyes, I didn’t see the usual spark of a flame— instead, I saw a spark of hope. My stomach and heart burst, I couldn’t stop smiling, and the crippling fear I had lived with my entire life, for a moment in time, completely disintegrated into her soft, beautiful skin. Reaching out for her hand was the single most courageous act I had ever done, and my fingers interlocked with hers as naturally as the air entered my lungs. I risked my entire future, my basketball scholarship, my reputation, and possibly my eternity, for a chance to be close to her, listen to her, and hold her hand.

 

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I was trying to think of the best way we could share our struggles with each other. A way that was simple and relatable. And I want to know what you’re going through or have gone through, what things you have done even when people didn’t support you or when you thought you couldn’t do it. Share your stories with me. ??#writingmyownpages

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One day we were caught holding hands, and I knew that life as I had known it would never be the same. I was pulled out of school, my dad threatened to throw me around like a ping pong ball, and my scholarship was taken away. My dad had her come to the house and I died a little when I saw him screaming at my beautiful girl that she had a depraved mind. My dad asked if I had any last words to tell her, and though all I wanted to do was reach out and hold her, I told her what I did was wrong and that I was sorry I had been a bad influence. That I believed in God, and that God thought it was wrong and a sin. I began straight counseling, ran back into the deepest, darkest corner of the closet I could find, and every night I would close my eyes and fear Hell. Every morning I would wake up and fantasize about how to kill myself. Every day I had to prove I was straight, and in my heart—even though holding her hand had been the most beautiful moment of my life—I really did think that it was wrong and that I would go to Hell if I didn’t change. I prayed to change. Every time I had a sinful thought about a girl, I would pull out my bible and read scripture about homosexuals.

Living a fundamentalist lifestyle means there is absolutely no gray area. You live once, you die once, and when you die you go to one of two places, and if you do not live your life according to God’s righteousness, you end up spending eternity in the pits of hell, burning, and you can look up and see your loved ones in the presence of God. This fear is unlike any other fear I can describe. It is crippling. It kept me in the closet. It kept me from living my life. I only felt safe if I was in bible study, if I was in church, and if I was praying—everything outside of that was a threat and therefore could trigger a panic attack. I needed to be saved. I needed to be straight. I needed to change.

But I never did change. Shortly after this incident, I fell in love with a girl in my speech class. I was kicked out of my home because of it. I am not considered a part of the family, and still deal with crippling amounts of sorrow, but not fear. Sorrow that we cannot act be a family because of this fundamental belief that God does not condone homosexuality. I have left the fundamentalist lifestyle and do not believe in the kind of God that I was raised to believe in. I believe that God is love, and it took a decade of unlearning the way of thinking I was taught, and adopting a new way of life.

 

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It’s been a long road. A long chapter. A long history. And it’s time to turn the page. I feel a mountain of butterflies in my stomach. This song is keeping my blood pumping in my veins, on both sides of my brain, and it’s just one of many. Because I have endless things to share with you. 4.19 #writingmyownpages

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I remember one night in particular, after being kicked out—it was my first night of freedom. I could do whatever I wanted! I decided to go to Starbucks and study instead of staying in my room all night, as was expected of me in the past. I was doing nothing wrong, just studying for a test, at a Starbucks, but I could not shake the feeling of having to look over my shoulder, of feeling that I was doing something immoral. I was simply having a coffee, but each sip felt like I was slipping into a life of sin. For many years, mundane acts were coated with heavy consequences which were quite simply not real. Having a coffee at 9pm is not inappropriate for a girl in the world. It is not a sin. I had to undo years of wiring to get to a place where I can simply enjoy life.

I have reached that point in my life. I have a deep understanding of love, fear does not have a death grip on me, and I can close my eyes in relief, as love has been the powerful substance to finally put out the flames.

Images: stephaniericemusic / Instagram; Stephanie Rice

5 Celebrities You Didn’t Know Are Scientologists

We all know that Scientology is a cult religion that loves to flaunt its relationship with celebrities. Despite the alien attacks, pay-for-salvation method, and alleged blackmail/harassment, the rich and famous seem to really love being apart of it. We all know some famous Scientologists, such as Scientology’s favorite mascot/droid Tom Cruise, former devotee Leah Remini since she exposed their f*cked up asses (you go girl), and face-molester John Travolta (never forget). But who else has been seduced by the science fiction world of L Ron Hubbard, man of many pretend degrees? Here are celebrities you probably didn’t know were famous Scientologists.

Elizabeth Moss

I adore Elizabeth Moss from her badass role as Offred in the Handmaid’s Tale. As such a feminist character, you’d think she would be, you know, normal IRL. Or at the very least, not part of a scary cult. But instead, she often defends Scientology. Even though there are many, many parallels between it and Gilead, she doesn’t seem to see these as red flags. Both are anti-women, anti-LBGTQ, think the news is evil, are secretive, and have been accused of harassment, assault, and even murder. The only true difference I see is that one features a Galactic Overlord (and strangely enough, it’s not the TV show).

Laura Prepon

This is one that hurt too. I love Laura Prepon, from her days as resident cool chick Donna on That 70’s Show, to her portrayal as Karla Homolka in Lifetime’s most f*cked up movie ever, Karla(seriously you have to watch it, it’s the best), to playing sexy drug lord Alex Vause on Orange Is The New Black. Laura Prepon has decided to severely disappoint me, though, as she joined Scientology in 1999 and credits it with becoming her “true self” and being more relaxed.

Beck

He’s not just a loser, baby, but he’s also a Scientologist, having been born into the religion. Yikes, and you thought your parents were embarrassing. He notoriously refuses to talk much about it in interviews (LIKE THEY ALL DO, #REDFLAG), and seems to shrug it off by being all, “I’ve just been around it a lot”. Although he admits to reading the books (and probs drinking the Kool-Aid), he claims not to be doing any “weirdo stuff”. Given what they think is normal and chill, I would love to know what “weirdo stuff” to a Scientologist consists of.

Jeff Conaway

What the f*ck was going on the set of Grease? Not only is Danny Zuko a Scientologist, but so was my childhood crush, Kenickie! It turns out that Jeff Conaway got into Scientology from Travolta after yet another drug relapse. He claimed that Scientology saved him and ~*cured*~ him from his addiction, only to relapse once again. RIP Jeff, I’ll still love you always.

Nancy Cartwright

Not even cartoons are safe. If you’re like, “who the f*ck is this”, you know Nancy as the voice of Bart Simpson, Mr. Burns, Maggie Simpson, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum, Todd Flanders, Chuckie Finster, Rufus the naked mole rat, and many, many more. In fact, she even got in trouble with Fox for using Bart’s voice as advertising for a Scientology event. Nancy credits Scientology with all her success which is super weird, because it’s probably just that you’re like, good at your job. And you didn’t have to pay me $15 million to tell you that. But like, I’ll take it if you’re offering.

Want to know more about Scientology beyond this list of famous Scientologists? Listen to our in-depth episode of Not Another True Crime Podcast. We get into the history, recent scandals, and a possible missing persons case. Sketch!

Images: Giphy (5) 

Why Do So Many Celebrities Go To Hillsong Church?

Are you obsessed with cults, conspiracies, and true crime? You’re in luck—we’re launching a new podcast on all that sh*t starting October 1. It’s called Not Another True Crime podcast and it’s going to be dope. Follow @natcpod on Instagram and Twitter for more details.

I believe Tina Fey said it best when she said, “Hollywood is like a high school cafeteria. You have your Varsity Jocks, Girls Who Eat Their Feelings, Girls Who Don’t Eat Anything, Desperate Wannabes, Burnouts, and of course, your Jesus Freaks.” And as it turns out, there are quite a lot of Jesus Freaks. I personally have no problem with religion or religious celebrities, but being the sweet, stupid souls they are, some tend to get themselves involved in cults like Scientology suspicious organizations. Call me skeptical, alright?

So a few weeks ago when I was bumming myself out over the fact that Chris Pratt has a new girlfriend that isn’t me and doing a deep dive into their dates for material to complain to my therapist about, I noticed that he and Katherine Schwarzenegger attended church together. And yes, it is the same church that Justin took Selena to during their brief reconciliation this year. So like, is this a thing now? Are the pews lined with cocaine and Playboy models? Because I’m pretty sure that’s the only way they’d get celebs to attend.

As I began my Insta stalking research, I learned this organization is called Hillsong Church, and is a favorite of the Biebs, the KarJenners, and Nick Jonas. So what is it, exactly? And why are celebrities taking dates there instead of to like, Tao, or in Ben Affleck’s case, Jack-in-the-Box? Well today’s your lucky day, friends, because I’m about to give you the deets on this church that is most definitely, for sure, totally not a cult.

There’s A Hot Pastor

Is your church even cool if everyone doesn’t want to bang the pastor? Thankfully, Hillsong doesn’t have to answer that question because their pastor is hotter than any dude currently competing on Bachelor in Paradise (except Joe, duh). His name is Carl Lentz, and he co-founded the New York City branch of Hillsong in 2010. Let’s take a gander at that face that was perfectly crafted in God’s image. Like, perfectly. God chiseled that jawline Himself.

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SO @avaangellentz turns 14 today.. I love being her daddy. TIME. FLIES!! I used to say the typical young dad things we all tend to say about our daughters.. “I’m gonna keep her in the house” “get out the shot guns” “she will never date…” and I get all those sentiments, truly…but then, you begin to see a woman of God develop and mature and you realize that she’s a LEADER. She can and will make her own good decisions. She’s strong and capable and classy and wise.. When she does date? The guy will be a legend, cause she knows what she is worth. When she does leave my house? She will be ready. Because she’s smart and focused. Thankfully both those scenarios are NOT TODAY. TODAY, its just her birthday!! And that’s about all I can cope with, anyway.. AVA BOO!! Your future is so bright. Your RIGHT NOW, though? Spectacular. I love you. I’m proud of you. Thanks for giving me grace, as Im learning every day how to be a better father..you are more complex than you think! But I love every second of trying to figure you out.. enjoy this day, girl!! Let me know when you want me to come hang with your friends and teach everybody what cool is, etc. #occupy14withdadplease #textmebackquicker #callmemore #iwillbuyyourloveanytime

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I bet he doesn’t even need those hipster glasses to see. Show me your prescription, Carl. PROVE IT!

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TODAY IS THE DAY! OWN THE MOMENT IS AVAILABLE EVERYWHERE… excited to see this book, help people! I've appreciated the interest and support from so many, including the @nytimes who reviewed the book and gave it an honest look! But no matter what anybody says about it, photo #2?? Made the whole thing worth it.. I had signed a lot of books yesterday, was truly an amazing day, and as I looked up I recognized a little voice and a little face… "dad, will you sign my book?"of course I cried, of course it was awkward but sometimes the best moments in our lives are like that.. who knew the review that matters the most? Belonged to a little guy that lives with me. "I like it dad, I'm gonna bring it to school…" #OWNTHEMOMENT LINK IN BIO!!

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Not only is Lentz a regulation hottie, but he is also extremely close with Justin Bieber.  He even baptized Justin in Tyson Chandler’s bathtub, and is his personal pastor. However, it is rumored they’re on the outs right now since Lentz did not publicly congratulate Justin on his fast and not at all rash engagement to the daughter of the Baldwin I’ve dubbed “most likely to be a serial killer”.

It’s In A Cool Venue

Have you ever been sitting in St. Patrick’s Cathedral and thought to yourself, “Man, I really wish this religious service felt more like a concert”? Well then you’re in luck, because if you attend Hillsong Church you get to feel like U2 is saving your soul. Well, your soul and the souls of 2,000 others who think being a born-again virgin means “just the tip.”

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I love @hillsongnyc .. when you plant a church or anything for that matter, knowing where you WERE and seeing where you ARE gives you a good indication of where youre gonna BE.. One thing is for sure: we started with faithful, selfless people who committed for the long haul. And to see these people, some you know, some you wont, step into what God has for them is inspiring… I asked my friend Anthony aka @lilcasanova360 to help me pray for people at Barclays center, recently. He said “you know I prefer to be off the stage, but if you need me to, I’ll do it.” He has been greeting ppl as they come in our doors for over 7 years now! He represents the best part of who we are… this past sunday we had a lot of services as always, from Manhattan to Jersey, to Boston, to Connecticut.. at least 20 different people led, preached, ministered… to many. It’s a testament to those who commit to building a cause and a community. So much is possible and I’m grateful that I get to be a part of a church like this! #occupyallstreets #spotlightsorshadows #churchinthewild

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The New York services are held in Hammerstein Ballroom, home to legends like David Bowie, Britney Spears, and Patti LaBelle, and now apparently to anyone who is looking to absolved of their sins by a man in skinny jeans.

The Church Is Welcoming To Everyone

Hillsong is a global pentecostal megachurch, which means that they adhere to the word of the Bible. Obviously, since the Bible is a text that was written a while ago, it’s not necessarily in step with the times. Pastor Hottie has publicly stated that the church believes that gay marriage and abortion are both sins. But as he explains in this excellent GQ profile, that doesn’t mean they don’t welcome everyone to their church, no matter what. I assume the “no matter what” part of that statement means “as long as they donate 100 grand and sign an NDA.”

Considering their congregation has a few DUI’s, a sex tape, some out of wedlock pregnancies, and the song “Pizza Girl” amongst them, I’d say it’s a good thing the church is forgiving of sins.   

Pastor Hottie, is this allowed?!

It May Be Shady

As you may have guessed, any organization that encourages people to follow the teachings of one charismatic man may not have the purest of intentions. *cough* Charles Manson *cough*. Now I’m not saying that Hillsong Church is going to murder anyone in the Hollywood Hills, but Post Malone is saying that, okay? SUE HIM, YOU HEAR ME!? According to Post Malone, Justin donated $10 million to Hillsong, and he is now “super-religious” and “real culty,” which is what I said about my cousin when she got “John 3:16” tattooed on her lower back. Pastor Hottie disputed those claims from the personal spray tan booth in his gilded bathroom. I’m not sure who to believe, but in the church’s defense, Post is always tired and that’d f*ck up anyone’s ability to form a rational thought.

And that’s the deal with Hillsong Church! I hope all these celebrities really do have their souls saved by a hot pastor in Hammerstein Ballroom, and that the power of Jesus is so strong it cancels out the strategically timed nudes their publicist a hacker released.

Images: @carllentz /Instagram (3); Giphy (2)

Are you obsessed with cults, conspiracies, and true crime? You’re in luck—we’re launching a new podcast on all that sh*t starting October 1. It’s called Not Another True Crime podcast and it’s going to be dope. Follow @natcpod on Instagram and Twitter for more details.