3 Extremely Advanced Fuckboy Moves You Need To Be Aware Of

Since it’s still 2017 and everything is trash (especially the new tax bill), it’s highly likely that the guy you’re seeing/currently chatting with on whatever fucking dating app is hot right now (I can’t keep up) is a complete and total fuckboy. If you need a refresher on the telltale signs of fuckboy-ery please read here, and if you remember what dating was like in a pre-fuckboy world, please hit me up with your stories of a better time. The horrors of dating over the past few years have wiped all my memories and forced me into a state of being that’s kind of like having a never-ending cold: like, I know there was once a time where I could breathe through my nose find a nice guy, but now I can’t remember what it felt like and damn was I an asshole for not appreciating the times when I could take a deep breath without coughing had options.

By now, we should all know better than to spend time on a guy that texts only after 9pm, has never introduced you to his friends, or is “morally opposed” to being in photographs (that’s some class-A bullshit). But just as technology has advanced, so has the fuckboy. So it’s time my friends, that we look beyond the obvious Dean Unglert-like moves, and watch out for these three more advanced fuckboy tactics: because if they’re getting smarter, we’d better start getting more suspicious.

1. Following Up On Old Leads

If he slow-faded you months ago but resurfaced on a random Wednesday night because he was “thinking about you” and was “wondering how you’ve been,” it’s not because he missed you. It’s because he just finished watching Sportscenter, is tired of swiping, and decided to browse through his contacts hoping to bring an old lead back to life (for like two dates, max). Hopefully you read his text while lying in bed with your fabulous new bf and you can respond with a quick couples selfie and say “‘I’ve been great, thanks for asking!”, but if not, just block his number and find your own new lead.

2. The String Along

Avoiding making actual hangout plans is classic fuckyboy, but the true artistry is when they catch you just as you are about to give up—and give you just enough slack to real you back in. Maybe it’s been a week, or maybe you’re a true sucker and have been holding out for like a month, but it’s in our nature to get excited when a guy we thought had lost interest pops back up. It’s always the day after you stopped hoping it was him, and it’s always, ALWAYS the sign of an advanced fuckboy. Don’t give in to the string along: if he doesn’t straight-up make plans, call his ass out and block his damn number.

3. The Casual Party Invite

It can be v exciting when a new boy invites you to a party. Obviously your mind will go somewhere like, “his friends are going to be there, omg he wants me to meet his friends,” or “he wants to be seen with me in public, he must be marriage material!” But since it’s 2017 (where all dreams go to die), I’m about to ruin that one for you as well: Beware of the party invite, because if he’s a class-A fuckboy (which, let’s be honest, he probably is) he definitely sent that exact same text to his last five Tinder matches.

Tbh, if you have to ask if he’s a fuckboy, he probably is. Unless you’re like me and you just assume all men are fuckboys until they prove to you otherwise. Anyway, hope this helped.

My Boyfriend Hates My Family, Help! Dear Betch

Dear Betches

I love my boyfriend to death but I also love my family, I put a lot of effort into knowing and having a relationship with his family also (buying presents, taking his grandmother places, always inviting all of them where ever we go) but he hasn’t put any effort into mine save a couple of holidays. We have been  together for 3 years and a pretty comfortable but he says he is just not a family person.

Now here’s when it gets shitty because he came to a family event and my family (who is big on respect) talked a little crap. I talked to him about it and talked to my family and it won’t happen again but the second he got home he went and told his mom about it and she (who had told him he should go in the first place!) said to me that she wanted to call my family and yell at them, insulted my family and said that she doesn’t think he should ever go again! It took me months of begging to get him to go, and in that time he missed 2 weddings so my family was understandably kinda iffy about him. They are blunt people and the men gave the whole “you hurt her, you’re gonna have to deal with me, we gotta lot of land” crap. Nothing I thought was that big of deal, kind of rude but I talked to them about it and I wanted to keep it between us, but the second I get there, his mom starts yelling at me, talking shit about my family. I didn’t say anything for fear of going off completely but before this me and her were close and now I refuse to spend any amount of time with her at all. So since he (thanks to her meddling) no longer wants to spend time with my family, I longer wish to spend time with his.

My mom thinks I should tell him that maybe we both no longer spends time with either of our family since that’s the way his mom feels but I don’t think that’s what either of us wants. His mom is always meddling where she doesn’t belong and it has gone to far this time, what should I do?


What else can I do?

Dear Readers,

Please insert your own paragraph breaks next time so I don’t have to deal with a wall of text. Now. Onto the real issue. First of all, I would hardly consider making a few “If you hurt her we’re gonna kill you” jokes from the men in your family “talking crap” about your boyfriend. To me that’s pretty standard and kind of expected when you’re the boyfriend meeting your girlfriend’s family. Maybe I just read too much r/relationships and am a general pessimist, but I get the impression that your boyfriend doesn’t really give that much of a shit, about you or your family. I think he doesn’t want to put in that much effort into this relationship—like you said, this is “comfortable”—and he’s using your family’s light ribbing as an excuse to preemptively get himself out of all future family duties. 

Like I told a girl with a similar issue, you don’t have a future MIL problem—you have a boyfriend problem. If your boyfriend is so willing to run crying to his mom over, again, what I perceive to be a very common and obvious joke, I don’t know what to tell you, fam. If you’re not acting completely unreasonably and like a psycho (which I don’t think you are but the run-on sentences are definitely a red flag), he should be defending you to his mom. 

Maybe you should just spend some time without each other’s families, but I don’t think you need to make a whole big production about it and basically tell his mom you’re punishing her for her behavior by refusing to see her. Just like… don’t hang out with the fams for a while until you guys can come to some sort of mature compromise or agreement. 

Honestly, though, unless your families are abusive and/or toxic it’s like, not a good sign that you guys can’t get along. “You don’t marry the person, you marry the family” and all that.

Did I ever give advice, or just a series of my opinions? Oh well. You can take it or leave it.

Dear Betches,

For over a year now I’ve had a male best friend- that I met via the internet  We’ve always been somewhat flirty, we’ve sexted and exchanged explicit images. 

He’s always been there for me and I for him. Over this past Winter, I think I started to develop feelings. My heart would race, and I’d light up every time we talked. We finally met in May. And honestly, when he hugged me I felt at home.

He’s still friends with his ex, and he actually introduced us and now her and I are close. Recently, I went with them and a lot of other people on a vacation up North to a cabin. While we were there, I gave him head twice, but because of my period, we didn’t do anything else except grind on each other. When I gave him head, he said “You certainly aren’t the first to give me head, and you won’t be the last… Well, maybe.” We passed out, and snuggled the whole night.

My problem is that he has implied in the past he would date me. And I do want to date him. But was it a bad decision to give him head before being in a relationship? I don’t want to get taken advantage of, and this boy means a whole lot to me. I just don’t know if my decision resulted in the chance of us dating is out the window. And what the hell did he mean by “Maybe I won’t be the last.”
Please send help!!

Thank you,

Ugh, here we fucking go again with this shit.

Look, you never had a “friend”, you had a guy who was trying to get in your pants. Blah blah blah, y’all know the drill. I’m going to keep this short and sweet because I just don’t have the desire to literally act out the definition of madness. OKAY SO. 

1. “You certainly aren’t the first to give me head, and you won’t be the last” … what a fucking weird thing to say! He sounds like a douche bag. Cut him loose. And stop trying to make male friends on the internet.

2. He’s still friends with his ex — some may disagree, but that’s an automatic disqualification in my book. Either they’re extremely mature or somebody is still (actively or subconsciously) tryna fuck somebody.

3. (Just imagine I’m saying this and clapping in between every word) Giving a guy head over having sex does not make you seem like less of a slut. You kind of are missing the point. It’s not like once you have sex with a guy over doing other, similar sexual shit, it flips a switch in his brain to go from “wifey material” to “slut”. “Yeah I totally wanted to date that girl until she agreed to have sex with me” — said no guy ever.

I don’t think you’re getting taken advantage of because you gave a guy a blow job before monogamy (I’m not Patti Stanger), but I DO think you *might* be getting taken advantage of because this “boy means a whole lot” to you (vom) and he’s probably acutely aware of that. But it’s too soon to call. Watch his next moves—that will tell you everything. Does he get weird and evasive? Does he try to downplay what happened? Or does he use your hookup as an opportunity to say “Hey it’s obvious we are both attracted to each other, let’s explore something further?” If it’s anything other than the third option, I’m sorry, but you don’t mean as much to him as he does to you. 

I say, for now, you sit back and see how he handles things. If he gets squirrelly, call him out.