I’ve been a
reluctant member of Bachelor Nation for close to seven years now. And while I have almost always wanted to be friends with the franchise’s female leads, Katie is the first Bachelorette that I could actually see myself getting a drink with. For the first time in recent Bachelorette history, I am not intimidated by its leading lady. And since I am an average-looking, single female in her 30s who sees almost all other single women as a threat to my chances of ever landing a boyfriend, that’s f*cking saying something.
It’s not that Katie isn’t absolutely gorgeous, because she is. And it’s not just that she’s, as they keep saying over and over again, “sex positive”—or because she uses a vibrator, because literally every woman does (if you think we are having better orgasms with men than with our toys, you are delusional). It’s that she—and I absolutely mean this in the best way possible—just doesn’t seem like one of those cool girls. Katie Thurston is not the Regina George of the Bachelor franchise (she would probably find the whole concept of The Plastics to be sexist and limiting), and I am absolutely here for it. And while some viewers may have jumped off the Katie train when she got into it with some of her castmates on ATFR last season, her not being friends with the Kits, Chelseas, and Abigails of Matt’s season (who all star in each other’s Instagram stories in NYC now) only made me love her more. Because, same girl, the cool girls wouldn’t like me that much either.
For years, I’ve watched this “reality” show in the same way I watch Grey’s Anatomy or, more recently, Bridgerton: to see gorgeous, unattainable, unrealistic characters and storylines play out on my TV. The line between celebrity and Bachelor contestant is so blurred that I’d have the same reaction to running into Rachel Lindsay on the street as I would Regé-Jean Page. Okay, well maybe not the exact same…but you get it. And as that line blurred, the pressure on franchise contestants, especially leads, grew. They felt the need to be polished, to give off an “aspirational” vibe that women would see and think, “damn I want to be like her.” But we don’t see that as much with Katie; instead, we see her and think, “damn, I am like her.” And wasn’t that the point of reality TV to begin with?
So, clearly I was primed to love Katie as the Bachelorette from the moment her first season promo came out with her looking truly uncomfortable in a bright purple zip-up skirt. Like, yes please, I would also try to wear that piece of “fashion” and not know how to hold a rose. And the fact that Chris Harrison was going to be nowhere near our television screens had me all the more excited. Katie, quite simply, did not disappoint. She swooned over every attractive man like she was watching a Marvel movie in the comfort of her own home, prepping her vibrator for a post-viewing masturbation sesh starring Chris Evans, Tom Hiddleston, and Mark Ruffalo as The Hulk (yes, I said what I said). She struggled to walk in her heels, couldn’t pretend to not be creeped out by the skin salesman, and had multiple uncomfortably open-mouthed makeout sessions in true awkward “what do I do with my tongue?” fashion. She also fangirled over Kaitlyn and Tayshia because let’s admit it—they are the cool girls, and what not-cool girl doesn’t still secretly (or not so secretly) want the cool girls to like her?
We also learned a bit more about Katie’s background during the premiere: that her parents got divorced when she was young, she grew up poor, and isn’t sure if she wants children. What a trifecta of relatability, amiright? The show still only represents the top 1% of attractive people, but hats off to ABC for opening up the leading role to someone from a lower tax bracket! And finally, some representation for the women of the world that don’t see their bodies solely as vehicles for the creation of other bodies! Finally, some normalization that first can come love, then comes marriage (if you want, also cool if you don’t), then comes a long happy life of travel, leisure, and never having to worry about passing on generational trauma!
I know we are talking about a franchise that is rooted in patriarchal norms, has a large conservative fan base, and is still SUPER problematic, but boy does this awkward girl finally see a bit of herself in the Bachelorette. And not only is that refreshing, but it’s also going to be a hell of a lot of fun to watch an outspoken, kinda weird, not conventionally Instagram model-y woman fumble her way around a cocktail party and into the fantasy suites.
Image: ABC/Craig Sjodin
It’s 2017, and we live in a relentless era of fuckboys. Thanks to a society that lets men feel like they rule the world (Google: The Patriarchy), guys generally suck. Dating is a minefield of trying to avoid the worst of them, and this has all been put on steroids by the prevalence of social media. Now, there are entire websites dedicated to the worst in fuckboy pre-date behavior (@byefelipe), but what about when an IRL meet up is already scheduled? It’s important to keep your guard up from the first moment, and analyzing his first date choice is a crucial part of this. Like, don’t assume everything is all good just because he didn’t send you an unsolicited photo of his erect penis. That is not the standard of good behavior we want to promote. It’s not even the bare minimum. It’s like always shitting in a toilet, as opposed to a hole you dig in the ground—just expected as a productive member of society. Here’s how you can tell what kind of fuckboy you have on your hands based off that very first date.
Fancy Cocktails: The Wall Street Fuckboy
He’s got a great job, so you might want to keep him around for a while. Just beware that along with the job, he probably also two other girlfriends who won’t be afraid to get territorial. Conversely, he’ll def get jealous and think you’re “flirting with the waiter” wherever you go because he figures you’re always on the prowl for a hookup, just like he is. Get him to buy you some nice shit, but don’t get too involved, because he knows how to play the game just as well as you and def has one of those rich guy inferiority complexes you read about in Gossip Girl.
Tailgate/Sporting Event: The Frat Fuckboy
No matter his age, he will show up wearing a frocket tee or a polo, and you will hate every minute of it. Quit acting like a chill girl and demand better for yourself. Sorry fellas, but if we have to drink out of a fucking red solo cup on a first date, that’s going to be the last date. Ever. Dating is cancelled. And unless we’re sitting courtside at an NBA game, we don’t want to watch sports with you.
Bowling Alley: The Fuckboy Who Lives At Home
If your Uber pulls up at a fucking bowling alley, run like the last Lululemon store in the world is having a clearance sale. He absolutely still lives with his parents, maybe even by choice, which makes it even weirder. As a semi-functioning adult with your life semi-together, you have absolutely no time for date ideas that are just repurposed from the birthday parties you attended in second grade. (Also includes: mini golf, ceramics painting, etc.) Also, he’s probably sober, and not for a good reason like, “suffering from alcoholism,” but for a stupid reason like “I wouldn’t want to disappoint my mom.”
Live Music Club: The Hipster Fuckboy
He might not seem intimidating at first, but the hipster fuckboy will constantly judge you for not knowing about rando “jam bands” and not being a vegan. Sorry dudes, but we’d rather eat meat and dairy than hang around to “hear music” until 3am. You guys will barely be able to talk at all because of all the noise pollution around you, and that’s probably a good thing because this fuckboy has very little to offer outside a good IPA recommendation.
Casual Hangout: The Fuckbuddy Fuckboy
If you are going to his house for the “first date,” then call Ashton Kutcher because you’ve been punk’d. This is not a date, it’s a glorified booty call that he felt too awkward to be honest about. Even if he seems cool, he’s obviously not interested in anything serious. That’s not necessarily a problem, but don’t lie to yourself. Being delusional went out of style in like, 2013.
Dive Bar: The Has-Been Fuckboy
This man may be 24-30 years old, but mentally he’s still stuck in college. He could clearly afford to take you someplace nice (or at least someplace without sports memorabilia on the walls), but instead he chose this. He probably still drinks shitty beer because it makes him feel young. You know what your future will look like, and this is not it.
The Movies: The Antisocial Fuckboy
We like going to the movies as much as the next person, but why pay $11 to not talk to someone for two hours when you could just stay in bed and do a face mask? You deserve a man who can hold a decent conversation, so seeing a movie before the third date is a major red flag.
Coffee: The Cheap Fuckboy
If a guy suggests coffee as a first date, just cancel immediately. Is this dude Mr. Krabs? The difference between a cup of coffee and a beer is like, $4. This guy thinks he’s being casual by setting up a coffee date, when it’s obvious he just doesn’t want to “invest” in you so early on by buying you a cocktail like a goddamn adult. If you go out with this fuckboy and don’t put out or agree to a second date, he’ll probably send you a formal invoice for the vodka soda he bought you. Sure, it will be fun to roast him in your group chat, but it’s going to come at a price. Literally. Not to mention, anyone who drinks coffee after like, 5pm is a psycho. You don’t have to date the poor; you can just donate to Unicef or something.
Nice Restaurant: The Too-Good-To-Be-True Fuckboy
You know what they say: if something seems too good to be true, it usually is. But you can at least let it buy you dinner first before you find out? If a man offers to take you to a restaurant with 3 or more dollar signs on Yelp, make sure you show up with a pointed list of questions designed to show his flaws. Whether it’s chronic bad breath or he’s got bodies hidden in his freezer, you need to get to the bottom of these things.
If you’re getting married or have already
put that nail in the coffin tied the knot, you likely had bridesmaids. I had nine. That’s beside the point. Every bride has a unique personality and, therefore, very unique bridesmaids to help out on her special day. Regardless, though, you cannot deny that your bridesmaids or bachelorette attendees fell into these categories. Was Stacy the party animal you lost in Nashville during the bachelorette? Was Lindsey the thirst trap social media stalker who put up WAY too many pictures of you before the rehearsal dinner? Did Jessica just get high and act super chill no matter what you told her to do? Read on to figure out which bridal party archetype you and your besties are.
1. The Social Media Guru
She made a Snapchat filter for your bachelorette, wedding, shower, and everything in between. She has shared no less than five social media posts the day before each large event featuring a picture of herself and the bride with a paragraph about friendship. She almost tripped and fell into an open manhole because she was checking you into a restaurant on FourSquare. She has more pics of your wedding than your photographer.
2. The Control Freak
This could be the bride, but there’s at least one in every group. She made a fucking Google map of your stops on the bachelorette trip. She’s got reservations at at least three restaurants/bars each night in case one doesn’t pan out. She’s got transportation covered. She’s slightly manic but you’re going to be organized, goddamnit. She has sent out no less than three emails covering the event at hand, ensuring everyone has a) paid for their stay, b) has the T-shirts she ordered, and c) knows how to get to the hotel. She had her bridesmaid’s dress the day after she found out about your engagement.
3. The Outsider
Who even is she? You definitely went to school with her or knew her at some point in your life, and, yeah, she’s fun, but she’s clearly is not part of the new dynamic. She clings to the bride, afraid of interacting with the others. She laughs at everyone’s jokes, even though half of them, like, aren’t funny. She’s desperate for attention in a cute way. We still love her.
4. The Party Animal
Once you unleash her, she cannot be tamed. She’s making friends at the bar, on the sidewalk, at the club, in the Uber while telling stories about her house/dog/favorite restaurant/former relationships. She’s the one searching for a strip club (or stripper pole) at 2am or trying to climb on a table at the piano bar to flash strangers. She’s a champ. She’s ordering shots you don’t want and harassing anyone who says they’re tired before 4am. She can shotgun a beer, get lost in a foreign city, find her way back, and be ready for more. She’s an unstoppable—and franky, terrifying—force.
5. The Mom
She’s literally the one holding the bride’s hair back while she’s vomming during the bachelorette (thanks, Beth). She can be counted on to have fun, get drunk, but still be so goddamn responsible that everyone gets home/back to the hotel without dying. She somehow has tissues and/or plastic bags for clean-ups (shit happens) and never really yells or gets upset. She’s just disappointed. But she’s a cool mom.
6. The Literal Mom
She either just got married and/or just had a baby, and clearly that’s the focus. She doesn’t come to any of the events but somehow gets her shit together for the wedding day. She tells you that “it’ll go so fast” and to hold on to special moments while figuring out a breast pump. She was a regular on Tinder and at drunk brunch, but now she’s a stay-at-home-mom who makes color-coded grocery lists and reads about the benefits of raw diets for newborns.
7. The Chill One
No matter what you’ve thrown at her, she rolls with it. You definitely switched the hairstyles for your bridesmaids four times, insisted they buy Miu Miu nude heels, and changed up dresses last minute and she’s cool with it. She’s come to every event, not made a giant deal about it, and … is she high? Yah, she’s just really high.
I have a lot of pastimes and most of them include me judging people from afar. But nothing brings me more joy than talking shit about people and their tiny—excuse me, micro—tattoos. It’s the simple things, really. Remember when tramp stamps were all the rage? Yeah, those are so over, they’re done, and tiny tattoos have become the new norm for those looking to express their latent daddy issues. (I say all of this like I don’t have at least two Pinterest boards devoted to tiny tattoos and “cute” placements—I totally fucking do.) But whether you realize it or not, your tiny tattoo speaks VOLUMES about you and probably the life you lead on Instagram. So listen up, betches, because this is about to be a rude fucking awakening for some of you. Here’s how much of a self-absorbed asshole you are based on your choice of tiny tattoo:
Something From Harry Potter
First of all, I would just like to say that Potterheads are the reason I drink. There’s something unsettling about a bunch of twentysomething adults who throw whole costume parties with a theme that encourages you to dress up as an 11-year-old boy. Also, never, under any circumstances, mention around these people that you have either read Harry Potter/liked Harry Potter at one point in your life/have a vague thought about the movie adaptation, because they will take that shit and run with it. It’s like you say one thing about Harry Potter and suddenly they want to challenge you to a verbal duel so they can prove that they know
very creepy, minute details about a prepubescent fictional boy more about Harry Potter than you do. Like, no I do not know who the fuck Harry’s apparition instructor was in his sixth year at Hogwarts, but I do know that I would like to be excluded from this narrative please. Thanks. Second of all, if you’re getting a Harry Potter tattoo because Harry Potter is “your favorite book” that doesn’t make you special. Like, you and every other virgin who can’t drive self-proclaimed Hufflepuff in the world. Do us all a favor and leave your freak flag in the chat room at home where it belongs.
A Tiny Heart And/Or Other Tiny Object
This is the type of person who spends a lot of their time finding new ways to incorporate mason jars into their home décor. It’s okay, we were all thinking it. I’m going to take a shot in the dark and guess that they’re also the type of girl who loooveesss sushi and drinks wine according to the season (i.e. red in the fall/winter, white in the spring, rosé in the summer). Lol, you are so random. They probably thought that by getting a tattoo they could be the “edgy” girl in their sorority or that it would give them something to be coy about on a Bumble date, but honestly all it did was cement their place as the most basic bitch within a five mile radius. But, like, I’ll give a slow clap to that because you should own your basicness. I’d say never change, but that’s not really necessary because we all know they won’t.
Girls who proudly display cursive script tattoos are 100 percent the assholes I was talking about earlier. They definitely have a “thing” that they’re into. Like fitness or travel or just generally being a self-absorbed asshole. That kind of thing. Getting a tattoo like this is the female equivalent of getting an “In God We Trust” tattoo, except instead of using a biblical verse to cover up that fact that he’s a giant douchebag who says shit like “I don’t believe in labels”, girls use it to cover up the fact that they’re low-key slutty. Like, tattooing the daily affirmation “you are so much more” on your body sort of loses its meaning when it’s placed directly beneath your nipple. You know? Like v important style icons Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus, they probably also got their cursive script tattoo after a stint in rehab for “exhaustion”. Good thing your boob hides that spelling error, though! Blessings.
Travel coordinates on someone’s body are like the permanent version of a Facebook vacation photo album, except you don’t have the option to unsubscribe from their tattoo because it’s literally on their body. And believe me, these bitches will talk about their trips every chance they fucking get. At the 9am department meeting where people have no business speaking words to me, period. In the elevator on my way to one hour of approved
freedom lunch. Or at happy hour, which is most offensive to me because that is my safe place and you’re ruining it by telling me the one time you did a wine tour in a foreign country. Groundbreaking. Like, just because you’ve been to Australia and seen a kangaroo does not make you a fucking world traveler. Like, oh did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness? Yeah, no one gives a shit.
Also, if I see one more Instagram selfie of a strategically posed thot “candidly” gazing up at a waterfall in a thong bikini with the caption “wanderlusting”, I will lose my goddamn mind. Seriously, these girls are the fucking worst. Not only are they the type of girls who 100 percent have travel coordinates tattooed on their ribs and/or wrist and/or hipbone but they also take themselves and their lavish vacations wayyy too seriously. Like, I get it, you want me to think you’re “roughing it” in Thailand rn, being one with the people and rejecting consumerism and blah, blah, blah. But let’s be real, you didn’t go to Thailand to bring safe drinking water to people living in poverty, you went there to do a casual amount of drugs and take fire selfies at the Full Moon Party. Come on.
A Matching BFF Tattoo
You and your friend must think a lot of your friendship if you’re willing to permanently
mar tattoo your body with matching heartbeat tattoos (v original, girls, btw). Much like many facets of my life, I blame Pretty Little Liars for this—Marlene King, where is my evil twin to blame shit on every time I fuck something up?—because even though the Liars all got matching tattoos, that does not mean you and your bestie should get matching tattoos. The difference between you and the cast of PLL (aside from their fame, money and issues with anorexia) is that they have the money to get said tattoo surgically removed should they find out that their BFF cut off all of her hair when they got back to school in the fall and got totally weird and I guess now she’s on crack. So, like, really know the person before you get a life-long connection to them seared on your body. Ya know, just food for thot.
^Or just somebody you share half a yin and yang tattoo with
It should go without saying, but in case you missed it, betches love Jennifer Lawrence. After years of being Hollywood’s fave Cool Girl, it’s time we recognized the amount of effort she puts into seeming effortless. Honestly, she’s an inspiration to us all, and I have not once gotten tired of seeing her face plastered everywhere since 2013, or whatever year that one movie about extreme camping came out. I didn’t pay attention; I was too busy believing every word Jennifer Lawrence said about maintaining a perfect body sans exercise or clean eating. But if her in-no-way-grating “honesty” hasn’t managed to turn you into a superfan yet, here are seven reasons JLaw is #lifegoals forever.
1. She’s Graceful
Like every action star, Jennifer Lawrence is always poised and camera-ready in public. But oh my god, wouldn’t it be the most relatable thing ever if she fell on the red carpet?
2. She Has Great Taste In Tattoos
It’s super cute that JLaw’s first tattoo is a scientifically inaccurate reminder to stay hydrated. I mean, if you’re going to get something tattooed on your body forever, you might as well make sure it’s pointless, half-faded, and jumbled looking from the get-go. Besides, isn’t it, like, super cute that she forgets to drink water, a basic human function?
3. She’s Irresistibly Sexy
As a famous person, JLaw can have any dude she wants and definitely has no trouble getting a date. That time she told Vogue her hymen was growing back from a lack of sex doesn’t count because she was just being cute.
4. She’s Super Polite
Our girl Jennifer has never spoken rudely to a journalist in her life. Just look at every press conference she’s ever given—this is a woman that respects the press and understands that publicity is the reason she’s a movie star.
5. She Never Complains.
JLaw understands that being a celebrity means she’ll never want for food, money, or hookups ever again, and she never complains because that would be gauche. “I am lonely every Saturday night. Guys are so mean to me,” she said once. Such a trooper!
6. She can party with the best of us.
Jennifer Lawrence might puke basically every time she drinks, but that’s what friends are for. Who wouldn’t want to spend the entirety of an Adele concert holding back her flaxen hair?
7. She Has Eaten Pizza
Before Jennifer Lawrence, no woman had ever publicly disclosed that she likes pizza. Every time Jen talks about craving pizza, fries, or some other junk food, it’s a win for feminism.
Thank you, Jennifer Lawrence, for being the totally relatable millionaire/Oscar-winner/world-famous celeb we all know and some of us love.