This week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City is the one where Luann finally gets married. To my knowledge, the world is still spinning and everyone’s still living, and I’m kind of shocked and disappointed.
Anyway, seeing as everyone telling Luann not to get married was a huge storyline this season, someone had to do something shitty so the rest of the episodes are still entertaining. Enter Sonja. She’s dating the guy she wanted Tinsley to go after and it’s getting pretty awkward serious. Well, Frenchy (aka Edgar) is getting serious and Sonja’s still dating that Italian dude, Rocco. And Frenchy knows about it, obv.
Bethenny throws a boujee holiday party to balance out the “homey” weekend they just spent at Dorinda’s in the Berkshires.
Bethenny: Dorinda’s is very homey and like, roast chicken. This is a New York City party with seafood.
I mean, yeah there’s a ton of caviar, but there’s also a ton of Skinny Girl branded shit. Plus, the only people invited were the cast members, minus Ramona. This party was basically just a chance for some B-roll footage of the girls talking shit and so Bethenny could plug her brand. Also, Bethenny is obsessed with ice luges and has made about 400 “that’s what she said” jokes in the first eight minutes of the show.
Because she wasn’t invited to Bethenny’s party, Ramona goes out with her 22-year-old daughter Avery and her friends. They’re all like, swirling wine or whatever. Snore. Take some fucking shots.
The contrast between the Housewives turning up with an ice luge at Bethenny’s and Ramona having a boring-ass time with a bunch of 22-year-olds is ridiculous.
Carole: I like to drink if it’s FUN. I would be a huge drinker if I could drink everything through an ice luge or a sippy straw.
SAME, CAROLE.
Avery: Pellegrino is my water. I thought it was water growing up.
Riiiiight.
Ramona then tells her daughter’s friends about her wild weekend at Dorinda’s and they just like, cannot relate. These girls sound like the nightmare roommates who report you to your RA freshman year when you come home drunk on a Tuesday.
Ramona: I blacked out.
Avery’s friend: What does that mean?
Me:
Back at Bethenny’s, they’re still talking about Ramona rock starring Dorinda’s house and Sonja is so over it. She just finds it totally normal, because apparently Ramona has trashed every hotel bathroom the two have stayed at like a rockstar. Ew.
In other news, Luann is getting fucking married. Who thought we’d see the day? She did look super pretty, though, I’ll give her that. It’s not that she’s not pretty, but everyone forgets because she’s so annoying. *Regina George voice*
Luann: I am a hopeless romantic.
Oh my god, someone please kill me.
Side note: why did Luann laugh when Tom said he was there on his own free will during their vows? That’s sketchy.
Then, Carole and Bethenny go out for dumplings and make a few subtle jokes about Tom being potentially gay and Luann needing a strap on. Yikes. Also, Carole kicked Adam out of her cat lair but they’re totes still together.
Ramona and Dorinda hang so Ramona can grill the only housewife who was invited to the wedding about all of the details. Here’s the rundown: Dorinda got drunk and almost missed hair and makeup. She also forgot to book her flight to the wedding. Luann wouldn’t let her take a nap and wore three dresses.
Next Bethenny and Carole go to Chinatown on an adventure and act like the Chinatown ice cream factory is like, some crazy foreign place. It’s literally just an ice cream shop that happens to be in Chinatown.
Edgar is moving in with Sonja and wants to adopt kids with her, which is hilarious. Maybe they can just adopt Tinsley’s boyfriend, who’s like, 12.
Luann is extra AF and is having an extra wedding celebration for all of the losers who didn’t get invited to the real thing. Bethenny shows up 15 minutes late and is still the only person there for 15 minutes. Brutal.
Bethenny: We’re having a party just for the people who haven’t slept with Tom. Party of one!
Finally, people show up, including Tins and her child boyfriend, who Ramona’s daughter totally checks out. I wonder if that’s going to be a forced plot line later in the season? Keep your fingers crossed. Also, why is Tinsley always dressed for a sorority preference night circa 2006?
Even though Luann finally trapped Tom legally, he’s still being shady. He didn’t want to wear a wedding ring, which is like, the biggest red flag ever.
Ramona and Sonja both brought their new guys to the party, which is probably a good thing, so people can eventually forget that they both banged Tom.
Lastly, Dorinda made a speech that was hilariously honest.
Dorinda: I left the wedding feeling so much better about everything.
Well, that’s nice but I’m hoping something crazy still happens.
Despite the fact that getting married is literally the point of the show, our least favorite couple in Bachelor history, Nick and Vanessa, aren’t getting married anytime soon. A fact that should come as a surprise to exactly zero people given how much they look like they want to kill each other every time they make a public appearance/every time you rewatch old episodes from the past season.
Yesterday, while backstage at Dancing With The Stars, Us magazine asked Nick if they were planning a wedding. Nick’s response? “No, no… it’s too early for us right now. We’re still just doing a lot of new things together.” I wonder if those “new things” include not being at each other’s throats all the time? One can only hope. Honestly, good for them for trying to spare themselves a lifetime of misery by not rushing into marriage while all signs point to its inevitable demise.
“We’re very open about the fact that we have a long way to go,” Nick said, “and we’re excited about that journey.” Translation: We’re calling this shit off the second Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette starts and our contractual obligations are deemed null and void.
So what’s next for the Bachelor couple? Well, Nick says they’re focused on going back to Montreal to visit Vanessa’s family, which is pretty funny considering the thought of Sunday dinners made him borderline suicidal on The Bachelor. Either way, we probably won’t see a Viall wedding on ABC anytime soon, which, thank fucking god. It’s enough already, although I’m honestly pretty surprised Nick would pass up an opportunity for screen time on his home planet network. So this must mean he’s got something else up his sleeve. A cameo on Scandal, perhaps? Another stint on Paradise? I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Nick shows up as a last-minute contestant on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. And then he comes in second place again. And they let him be the Bachelor again. And, oh god, I’m never going to be rid of Nick Viall, am I?
Anyway, even though I may be on the verge of a mental breakdown over here, and Nick and Vanessa’s relationship may be (is) a sham, we still cannot forget that Ben and Lauren haven’t even set a wedding date yet—an exceedingly bad move considering their 15 mintues of relevance fame were up like, six months ago.
