Hello fellow Christmas movie lovers! I am sincerely so excited to recap The Santa Clause for you today. The Santa Clause is the best Christmas movie of all time, and I can definitively say that now that I’ve finally seen Die Hard and can confirm without a question that that is not a Christmas movie. Don’t @ me. Anyway, you all seemed to like the recap of The Princess Switch, so we’re back at it with this one! I hope you all enjoy this recap as much as I enjoy this movie and as much as Scott Calvin enjoys the cookie dispenser in his sleigh. Let’s begin!
We start out at Scott Calvin’s office Christmas party, where they are celebrating the success of the Do-It-All-For-You Dolly. Excuse me? What exactly does Dolly do for you, Scott?
This party appears to be catered, so it’s already 1000% nicer that the “party” my office throws every year, where I can help myself to a Solo cup of kosher wine and watch rich people fight over who gets the airpods during the white elephant. This party lets us know right off the bat that Scotty is a real jerk, since he immediately interrupts his female colleague. TBH this could be set in 2018.
Scott leaves the party and is late to meet his son and ex-wife for the Christmas Eve drop off. Scott’s son, Charlie, is doubtful Santa exists, because his stepdad Neil told him that there was no Santa. A+ parenting, Neil. What kind of an asshole tells a kid that Santa is a “state of mind”? That sounds like the type of sh*t an Instagram influencer would say. My parents still haven’t told me Santa isn’t real, which I sincerely appreciate. And once my cousin Marisa told me Santa wasn’t real and I laughed it off, told her that was impossible, and have not respected her since. As it should be.
Charlie really doesn’t want to stay at his dad’s tonight and tells his mom to pick him up: “We’re talking sunup, you’re here?”
Scott starts a fire while trying cook a turkey (same), so they end up at Denny’s. We’re about five minutes in, and Scott has already insulted Neil in about 100 different ways. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
They get back to the house and Scott reads Charlie The Night Before Christmas. Charlie starts asking logistical questions about Santa and everyone knows you don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to, Charlie! Just shut up and go to sleep! Tomorrow you get free stuff!
Charlie wakes up in the middle of the night and hears something on the roof and goes to wake up his dad. This is not good, Charlie, not good. This is how every murder movie starts. Scott goes outside in his boxers, scares the daylights out of Santa, who falls off the roof! They should make those boots with better treads, am I right? Scott takes a card out of SC’s pocket, revealing what he should do next.
Then the body of Santa LITERALLY DISAPPEARS and Scott is most concerned that the man is running around naked somewhere. Lol that’d be just another Tuesday night in New York City, pal. Also, is anyone else concerned about the fact that Charlie is not scarred over the fact his dad just murdered Santa?? Sociopath much, Chuck?
Charlie and Scott go up to the roof using the mysterious ladder that just appeared (?) and get into Santa’s sleigh. Sure, why not. The reindeer take that as their cue to GTFO and they fly their crazy selves and the Calvins to some richie rich’s house. I forgot how heavily featured Tim Allen’s thighs were in this film. I don’t hate it.
Scott doesn’t want to put on Santa’s suit and go down a chimney, but Charlie uses the oldest trick in the book and guilts him into it. That kid is annoying af, but boy, is he a master of manipulation. I tip my hat to you, young sir.
This is a niceeeee house. Now’s your chance to change the meaning of Christmas, Scott. Santa grabs what he can carry and makes a run for it! A tale we’ll tell your children for years to come! But instead of making out with the good china, Scott sets off the alarm and a very aggressive Pitbull, but manages to escape with his life. When the reindeer fly to the next house, Scott realizes the kind of long night he’s looking at. Man, I remember staying up all night staring down the barrel of an 11-page essay I hadn’t started; I can only imagine the horror that must set in when you realize you have to visit ALL THE HOUSES IN THE WORLD. Because let’s be real, even the people I know that aren’t Christian usually celebrate. I SEE YOU.
In the second house, Scott starts threatening a child, and I feel like that makes sense. It’s hard to be magnanimous when you’re in ill-fitting clothes.
At some point in the evening there is a precious yellow lab puppy that appears and it better be coming to my house. I’m in love like I never have been before. I’ve got a dog bed with your name on it, Bosco.
After making all their deliveries, the reindeer drop Scott and Charlie off at the most magical looking snow heaven. A precious little elf lowers them into the factory. Inside there are reindeer that are most definitely not wearing fake antlers, giant candy canes, and lots of toys.
They are greeted by the grumpiest motherf*cker in the North Pole, Bernard, and I can understand why he would be so hostile since he basically has to do all the work for Santa but get none of the glory. Middle management sucks. Charlie and Bernard hit it off because they’re both whiney little b*tches, and I’m happy they each have a friend now since they ain’t never gonna find another one. Bernard gives Charlie a snow globe that will, SPOILER ALERT, factor into the story later.
It’s at this point that Bernard explains the Santa “Clause” that says that because Scott put on the suit, he is now Santa Claus. If only other jobs worked like that, like Victoria’s Secret Angel wings. The places I could go in this life. Also. Can we take a moment to talk about this little play on words here? Because how is a small child to know that this title was not, in fact, the correct spelling of Santa Claus, and that she shouldn’t spell Santa Claus with an e deep into her 20’s until someone finally laughs at her and the shame she feels is unbearable? HOW SHOULD SHE KNOW??
Scott refuses to accept that he is Santa, and Bernard, being the d*ck he is, yells at him that he better get used to it. A lovely elf named Judy shows him to his room and I want to live in it so badly I’ve already began researching ways to kill Santa Claus this year. FBI, if you’re reading this, that was just a joke! (It was not a joke.) There is also a weird interaction here where Scott accidentally hits on a child elf who reveals she’s over 1,200 years old. I’m sorry if your boss made you uncomfortable, Judy. I’d love to tell you it’s a brave new world out here in 2018, but I’d be lying. Maybe in another 1,200 years!
Scott goes to sleep and Charlie wakes him up on Christmas morning with a lovely physical assault. This kid is the worst. Scott is still wearing those baller monogrammed jammies that he got at the North Pole and he’s got a real bad feeling. Okay I have a major problem with this scene. It’s Christmas morning, why is Charlie already in jeans? Jeans are not leisurewear. I’m not even changing out of my PJ’s at all between Christmas and New Years—not even when I have to go to work—and this kid puts on jeans first thing Christmas morning? I’m calling the cops.
Charlie’s mom comes to pick him up and he’s already spilling all the deets about last night. BE COOL, CHARLIE. The first rule of fight club: You do not talk about fight club. Scott is still convinced it was a dream or some sort of psychotic episode (I imagine).
Okay all of a sudden it’s career day at school and Charlie announces that his dad is Santa Claus. God, Charlie! The second rule of fight club: You do not talk about fight club. How many rules is this kid going to break?!
Naturally Charlie’s mom Laura and that condescending bowl of whole wheat spaghetti that she’s with, Neil, are concerned about Charlie’s mental health. Scott takes Charlie on an outing to convince him that he’s not actually Santa and it seems his efforts may be in vain because they are being followed by a line of reindeer. I hate when that happens.
Neil starts asking Charlie tough questions about Santa and Charlie tells him, “just because you haven’t seen something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” Coincidentally, that’s also the line I use when people ask me why I didn’t bring a boyfriend to yet another family event.
Okay one day Scott wakes up and he has grown a beard and gained a ton of weight. He has nothing to wear and runs into work late and wearing a sweatsuit. It’s sad and pathetic and exactly the outfit I want to wear to work every day.
Scott’s coworkers are very concerned about his weight and I think it’s very rude to bring up someone’s food issues at the office, OKAY SUSAN? Scott goes to the doctor and aside from the fact that he’s gained 45 pounds all in the tummy in a WEEK, he seems perfectly healthy. But he does tell the doctor he’s been eating a diet of milk and cookies, and doesn’t he know that it’s always in your best interest to lie to the doctor? That’s why I always just check off the box that says “social drinker.” They can’t make you change what they don’t know about!
I’m not sure the timeline we’re on here now, but Scott’s at Charlie’s soccer game looking an awful lot like Santa, and the children are lining up to sit on his lap and list their Christmas present demands. Just a tip here Scotty, maybe ditch the red hoodie for a gray one?? Laura and Neil are once again not pleased and threatening Scott with taking away Charlie.
Laura and Neil take Charlie to see a psychiatrist and talk about when they stopped believing in Santa. Neil reveals that he stopped believing when he was THREE because he did not get an Oscar Mayer weenie whistle. WOW. I don’t think I was even conscious of being alive at age three, let alone capable of not believing in Santa. As our President would say, SAD!
Time is moving fast now and we’re getting closer to Christmas so naturally the Grinch Neil gets Scott’s parental rights taken away, and damn, this is darker than I remember. Scott goes to see Charlie at his house, and I swear even though Charlie is the most annoying kid on Earth, I feel bad that his parents are gaslighting him. He’s too young to know that’s the oldest trick in the book.
Okay so time moved really fast and it’s actually Christmas Eve. Laura and Neil report Scott for kidnapping Charlie (when he goes with him to deliver presents) and the police are officially involved. But Scott ain’t got time for this because he’s got work to do.
This year’s sleigh has gotten some upgrades, most notably a cookie and cocoa dispenser. Hi Honda, pls include in next year’s Civic model. K, thanks!
Okay so these two morons decide that they’re going to go to Laura and Neil’s house to deliver presents. HI HELLO IDIOT SANTA AND YOUR DUMDUM SPAWN! You just kidnapped their kid! You’re gonna go back to the scene of the crime? Do you think this is the way the Golden State Killer evaded capture for decades? NO! Get the hell outta there.
Naturally Santa Scott gets arrested, so it’s time to deploy E.L.F.S., elves with attitude! My favorite part of the movie. Just because we are small does not mean we aren’t mighty! Pop Quiz: would you guys prefer flying via reindeer and sleigh, or by jet pack? For me it’s a toss-up, but I think the cookie dispenser puts me firmly in sleigh territory.
The elves with attitude tie up the policeman and rescue Santa Scott using tinsel! Is tinsel officially the most underrated prison escape tool of all time? If only Andy Dufresne knew about it!
After the prison break, Charlie returns home to tell his mom and Neil that he’s fine. Neil is wearing another heinous sweater. Santa Scott tells Charlie that he has to stay home while he delivers presents. Damn, prison changed him.
All of a sudden Laura believes that Scott is Santa, and so does Neil. And it appears we are all officially onboard with this then! Okay!
Bernard shows up at the house to tell Charlie that any time he wants to see his dad, he just needs to shake his snow globe. Better not drop that thing, butterfingers.
Before Santa flies off he leaves Neil with that weenie whistle he wanted so badly. I hope that helps you with your trust issues, Neil! Of course, immediately after Santa leaves, Charlie shakes the snow globe like the annoying son of a b*tch he’s always been. Your privileges are revoked, Charlie. Scott comes back of course, and takes the kiddo for a ride to deliver presents, drink cocoa, and talk about how Neil’s head comes to a point. And they fly off into the night!
The end! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. And when I wake up, I’m getting a CAT scan!
Images: Giphy (8)
Go back through history and you’ll see countless examples of men taking credit for work that women did. Famously, homegirl Rosalind Franklin identified the structure of DNA and then notorious fuckbois Watson and Crick stole her research, presented it like it was their own, and won a Nobel Prize for it like four years after Franklin died. Well the bitch-assery continues and there’s been another outing of a group of dudes who’ve been taking credit for women’s work for years, centuries even. Their names are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. And Rudolph, too. Your heroes have betrayed you.
brilliant girl with access to Google scientist tweeted this damning exposé out earlier in the week and stopped the whole “reindeers are hunky dudes” charade.
— Cat Reynolds (@catreynoldsnyc) December 11, 2017
That’s right. Women reindeers are the ones hauling their asses around the world to give all the little kids presents. And women reindeers are the ones stopping at the White House and hopefully shitting on the roof. To think for years we’ve misgendered these hardworking women while their weak ass reindeer husbands are sitting at home in the North Pole moping over their fallen off antlers.
In fact, I think it’s only right we make a shrine to these long underappreciated women and I think the perfect thing to make it out of are the fallen off antlers of their lazy male counterparts. This Christmas when you leave cookies out for Santa, also leave our some jewelry or like Glossier bow brow he can bring back up to his reindeer. Sleigh, girls!
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