Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.
Because I have been single for about a hundred years, I’m not proud of how much I know about weddings. I don’t even know where I learned all this sh*t, maybe from planning my brother’s wedding in full, or maybe just from reading bridezilla stories from across the internet. Probably a little bit of both, tbh. Either way, I know enough about wedding etiquette to know when people are completely f*cking it up. Even though every bride with whom I’ve ever come into contact was absolutely a micromanager, that doesn’t mean all brides are super Type A and want every detail of their wedding to be just so. Some, in fact, are pretty chill and just want to push all the responsibilities on other people, like their planners, maids of honor or, in some f*cked up cases, their very own guests! That brings me to an email submission we received from the sister of a groom whose wedding was a true and utter sh*tshow. The first line of said submission is, “My brother’s wedding was a grade-A disaster and, to be frank, it was trash.” I knew I was in for a good time because this girl is as petty as she is honest, and I’m here for it. Grab the popcorn.
All you need to know at this point is that the newlyweds-to-be are violently high-maintenance, cheap af, and assholes. I mean, lethal combo. Also, the wedding is taking place in a very small town that has no hotels. Luckily, the bride’s family lives in/near said small town, so they’re set. Great!
My brother invited me, my fiancé, my sister, and parents to come from across the country and my aunt, uncle, and grandma to come from Europe. Neither bride nor groom thought about where people would stay, though, and imagined that our foreign family (who speaks little to no English) would just figure something out. In this small town that doesn’t even have a motel.
I mean, I can’t even trust my English-speaking relatives to do anything at all, so I can’t imagine how confused and frustrated these foreigners must be trying to figure out Airbnb or whatever else is available in this hick town. I get that the bride and groom are probably overwhelmed with sh*t they have to do before the wedding, but providing a few options for family and friends to sleep is a pretty big one to forget about.
The family decided not to come and they eventually agreed to give my parents a spare room in their house. My fiancé, sister, and I got to sleep in tents in their yard.
Understandable that the family would decline the invite, but what is not understandable is sleeping in a tent, like, ever, but especially the day before your brother’s wedding! WTF? I’d really like to know whose idea this was.
My brother asked me to make a wedding cake and cupcakes for them and I agreed that that would be my gift. Unfortunately, they insisted on a large-ish cake and enough cupcakes for each guest to have three. When I explained this was unnecessary, they insisted on the amount. Because they have such a small kitchen in their house I had to do all the baking and decorating the night before the wedding at a local bakery once they closed for the day. So I was up all night baking up a storm.
Okay, the groom sounds like he also kind of sucks. I am usually more excited about the prospect of a cupcake than I am sex, but three sounds like a little much. Like, yep, let’s eat an entire meal, cake and three smaller cakes, and then dance? No thanks! Also, the fact that the groom’s sister spent the night before her brother’s wedding baking 700 cupcakes in a random kitchen and then calling it a night in a f*cking tent on the bride’s front lawn is insane. I used to think I deserved sister of the decade award for simply existing in the same house as my idiot brothers, but this girl definitely earned the medal. She is a saint.
The night before the wedding is traditionally the rehearsal dinner, is it not? Well, none of my family was allowed to come to the rehearsal (there was no dinner) and when my mom and I came by the location to see where we would need to set up, the bride was pissed that we dared show up and that we weren’t cooking and baking for the next day.
Correct me if I’m wrong, which I’m not, but the rehearsal dinner is for family and out-of-towners, so it’s very weird and rude that the groom’s sister and parents were not only not invited, but expected to spend the night before their son’s/brother’s wedding cooking for it. That’s not all, though! The family wasn’t the only crew expected to bring some nosh to this wedding because IT WAS A POTLUCK WEDDING. I could spend paragraphs going off on how tacky that is, so to spare you all, I’ll just move on.
So we get to ceremony day and the bride is pissed at me and my sister, who are grooms women, for “not doing our jobs,” which were apparently to show the guests where to go, where to bring food, etc. We would have done it had anyone told us. Maybe she mentioned it during the rehearsal we weren’t invited to? Then everyone gets in their places and it’s ceremony time, but for whatever reason, there’s no music.
As a frequent wedding-goer, it is definitely not the job of anyone in the groom/bridal party to serve as ushers during the ceremony. That’s why they have, you know, specific ushers. Of course, the Bride from Hell blamed the sisters for the mess of guests and I bet she also blamed them for the lack of music. I can imagine her being like, “You were supposed to learn how to play violin for this, God! How did you not know??” She made sure everyone knew she was mad, but saved her most aggressive moments for the reception, where the guests were apparently supposed to drag their ceremony chairs themselves. Uh, k.
Then we get to the potluck cash bar reception. People are eating and drinking and things are normal until the bride gets drunk. She was wearing a short dress that she kept lifting up to flash everyone. Most of the guests were her family, so I’m sure they loved that! She doesn’t stop drinking and starts going up to female guests undoing our hair and trying to undress us. Then, the couple disappeared. No goodbyes or anything. They just left. People kept looking for them, but when we realized the couple was gone, all of the guests left. This was 9pm at the latest, real wild party.
I wish I was making this up because there is so much to address here. Before I get into it, I just want to ask why there is a cash bar. The only reason people go to weddings is for the open bar…right? Also, why is Bridezilla flashing everyone? Bigger issue: why would her family love it?? Satan’s Bride obviously loves attention, so why is she ripping off the female guests’ clothes, too? I mean, obviously, like, don’t take off someone’s clothes if they want to keep their clothes on, but also this seems a little off-brand for someone who wants everyone’s eyes on her at all times. Just saying.
Lastly, I’ve been to a wedding or two during where the bride and groom disappear for a little, but I’ve always assumed they’re just, like banging in the bathroom or something because they always come back and pretend they’ve been here the whole time. This couple just straight up left. Qué?? And at 9pm? Jesus! I’ve had dinner reservations later than this sh*tshow of a wedding!
So we cleaned the hall, packed up the food, and threw out a bunch of stuff (including the insane amount of cupcakes the bride made me bake) and got out of there. Then the couple proceeded to drunkenly fight with my mom when she got to the house and asked why they left without saying goodbye. Apparently they were done with the party and were mad that the DJ wouldn’t play the songs they requested.
Wow, the guests are way better people than the couple. That’s for damn sure. I would have left that nightmare couple with that mess to clean up—not my circus, not my monkeys.
The next morning the bride started freaking out because she couldn’t find her tiara. Apparently she had one. Eventually we figured out that while she was drunk she threw it off (trying to be sexy, I think) and it landed behind the bar. The bartenders were super nice about the whole thing and kept it safe. This tiara was the most expensive part of this wedding it seemed.
It seemed? This tiara, which, knowing the bride, was probably from Claire’s, was easily the most expensive part of this trash wedding. I’m sure she’ll wear it everyday until the day she dies, too.
A juicy tidbit that the bride doesn’t know: their first dance song was the song my brother was supposed to use for first dance to when he was going to marry someone else. Someone the bride hates.
*Slow clap* Wow, ya truly love to see it. The sister really came full circle with that all-star pettiness and I’m so here for it. What do we think, fam? Is this a one-of-a-kind bridezilla or what?
Can you top that? Submit your crazy wedding story to [email protected] with the subject line “Crazy Wedding Story”!
Image: The Creative Exchange / Unsplash
If you’ve been asked to give a wedding or rehearsal dinner toast, there is one very important thing you must remember, no matter what: It is NOT a roast. No matter how tempted you are to throw out some inappropriate jokes, lock it up for the next few minutes and try to act like an adult. You’re not a stand-up comedian. Please just keep it short, sweet, and unlikely to embarrass the bride’s extended family. I know that giving a speech is hard, especially in front of people you don’t really know, but this is not really the time to trot out the strategy you use on awkward dates and just deflect with inappropriate humor. The good news is, if you avoid saying the following things, your toast is likely to be a huge success.
Imagine having the responsibility to give a toast at Kanye West’s rehearsal dinner.
— Matt Dentler (@MattDentler) May 23, 2014
1. “I Never Thought This Day Would Come!”
While this may actually be true because your BFF literally had no game in college (did you, though?), avoid this one. There’s no way for this comment to be taken as a compliment, and the crowd won’t know how to react. After all, this day did come, so clearly you were wrong.
2. “Funny Story, The Bride Used To Have A Huge Crush On The Best Man!”
you want me to write a wedding toast? oh, i thought you said wedding roast…
*slowly crumples up 18 savage pages worthy of Michael Scott*
no, it’s no problem at all…
— Kaitlyn Pyle (@kvpyle) June 14, 2019
Can we say AWKWARD? That is definitely a story that should not leave the bachelor/bachelorette party (regardless of whether it took place in Vegas or not). It’s weird to hear about anyone the bride or groom dated in the past in a wedding or rehearsal toast, and even more so when he or she’s sitting right there. Also, it accomplishes nothing except making everyone really uncomfortable.
3. “50% Of Marriages Today End In Divorce”
While this is factually accurate, Lizzo said it best: Truth hurts. And a wedding is not a day you want people to feel hurt. It’s a day to be hopeful, optimistic, and excited about the future. Maybe, just this once, don’t keep it real.
4. “I Am FEELING These Signature Cocktails.”
The bartender might be making those Moscow mules very strong, but try to save the binge drinking until after your speech. A few glasses of champagne for liquid courage is not a bad idea so you don’t sound like you’re giving a presentation to your boss, but save the hard stuff as a celebration for nailing your speech so you don’t make an ass of yourself in front of 200 people.
5. “People Always Thought I Would Get Married First.”
Writing a toast for my buddy’s wedding rehearsal dinner tonight… Need some last minute pointers to bring the house down
— Ryan Seacrest (@RyanSeacrest) September 15, 2017
Generally, talking about yourself in a wedding speech is a no-no, unless it’s related to the couple, and advertising that you were initially ahead in the race to the altar is just plain weird and irrelevant on your BFF’s wedding day.
6. “Who Wants To Take Bets On When They’ll Have Kids?”
The only thing more annoying than people asking when you’ll get engaged is being asked when you’ll have kids. There are so many reasons why this is NOT okay, so just avoid the topic altogether and save yourself an ass-kicking from the newlyweds.
7. “It’s Been A Rocky Road Getting Here…”
No relationship is perfect (except probably J.Lo and A-Rod’s) and everyone who’s been in a relationship knows that, so there’s no reason to bring up the on-again, off-again phase so many couples have endured. Clearly the couple is in a great place now, so there’s no reason to reopen old wounds.
8. “He Was So Hammered The Night He Met You, I Can’t Believe He Even Remembered Your Name!”
Again, save this for the bachelor/bachelorette party. The couple’s grandparents don’t need to know that they met during an intense game of flip cup that ended in a one-night stand. Something like “they met at a college party” is about all the information they need to know. Keep it PG and save the couple from some major embarrassment.
9. “We All Know Dave’s Parents Didn’t Love Jenna Right Off The Bat.”
“If you think about it, technically you can’t ruin a rehearsal dinner.” –Me to my cousin after ruining his rehearsal dinner with my toast
— Max Raskin (@maxraskin) May 21, 2018
Again, this is just you asking for an awkward silence. It’s not funny, it’s completely irrelevant to whatever you’re going to say next and will most definitely put a damper on the rest of the night.
10. “Mic Drop!”
This is just a terrible way to end a speech and you should absolutely NEVER do it. EVER.
Above all, if you have to get a second opinion on whether your joke is too “edgy”, just don’t do it. Anything that is going to make the bride or groom feel self-conscious or bad about themselves, definitely don’t do it. And also, don’t get so drunk that you are incoherent. The bar is actually not that high! You can do this.
Images: maxraskin, RyanSeacrest, MattDentler, kvpyle / Twitter
Giving the perfect speech at a wedding is like making a joke on Twitter in 2019: it’s difficult to think of something that reads as funny and original to everyone AND doesn’t offend anyone at all. You have to balance joking with being sentimental, make sure what you’re saying fits the whole couple and not just the partner you’re closest with, and please the bride/groom while pleasing the entire crowd as well. Your friend may think the story about the bride blacking out on spring break in Cancun sophomore year is hysterical, but the bride’s grandmother probably won’t. On top of all of this, a room full of both strangers and familiar (but not necessarily friendly) faces is listening to you. On the latest episode of the U Up? podcast, Jared and Jordana broke down the dos and don’ts of giving a great wedding speech that will make everyone ask YOU for help writing their speeches for the next wedding.
1. Don’t Speak As A Group
As a bridesmaid or groomsman, having others up there by your side seems like it would make the speaking process way easier and more comfortable, which would in turn makes for a more effortless-sounding speech. But it actually ends up making everything sound way less cohesive and even more awkward. Jared points out, “Every time you switch people, you lose momentum. We don’t even get used to the tone of the speech because it changes seven times.” A few drinks in, people won’t be able to keep up with the changes. Just as they all get warmed up to the person speaking, you move onto someone new and they’re left to readjust all over again. Your part will just blend in with the crowd. You don’t want your best friend’s annoying college roommate to taint the entire speech because of how terrible her part is, or worse, dull the effect of your part. Step off, Emily, she’s been my best friend since KINDERGARTEN.
2. Don’t Make It Too Personal
It feels nice to give the bride/groom a speech that is very specific to them and include inside jokes that make you feel special, but when you’re speaking in front of a whole audience, you need to keep them in mind. Whoever’s listening wants to feel like they’re in on the joke too, or else they won’t think it’s funny. Avoid the “had to be there” stories and stick to making references about the bride/groom’s personality that everyone in the room will understand and identify with, because that will get a reaction from the most people. If the bride is notoriously obsessed with her dog, write about the time she brought Fluffy to brunch and you guys got kicked out because she peed on the floor. (The dog, not the bride.)
3. Don’t Be Too Self-Important
It obviously makes sense for you to introduce yourself when starting your speech, but people don’t need to know every detail about who you are, how you met the bride/groom, what you do for a living, how far you traveled to get there, and what you ate for dinner last night. Everyone’s there to celebrate the couple getting married, not the weirdo who cares way too much about everyone knowing exactly who she is. Chill, dude. I know you want every groomsman to know you’re single, but there’s this thing called introducing yourself (which you can do later). Get the speech moving and keep the focus on the people the wedding is actually for.
4. Tell That “One Great Story” You’ve Told A Thousand Times
Everyone thinks it’s better to be original than repeat a story you’ve already told, especially because people get called out for telling the same story over and over again and you want to do something unique for this special occasion, but there’s obviously a reason you associate this one story with the person so strongly and have continued to tell it time and time again. Since you already know it backwards and forwards, you are able to determine what parts work people think are funny and build on those instead of using material that may or may not land.
5. Don’t Use Generic Jokes You Found By Googling “Wedding Speech Jokes”
As Jared pointed out, everyone has heard the line “Thank you for making me your best man, I hope I can be the best man at your next wedding, too” before, Not only is it not funny, it’s sooo cringeworthy. Whoever thought joking about how long the relationship will last at a couple’s literal WEDDING was a good idea? Using that line is a good way to make everyone feel uncomfortable and judge you. Just don’t be that guy.
6. Bring It Back To The Couple
No matter what you say, you always want to find a way to tie it back to how perfect the bride and groom are for each other. However funny or incredible your speech is, it’s not going to hit home with everyone unless it somehow connects both people getting married. How great the couple is together is something that every wedding guest can get behind (at least I would hope). Save the love fest for just your best friend until her birthday, when you know everyone is there for her and only her.
7. Don’t Overstay Your Welcome
Even an impeccable speech has a time limit. Everyone can only pay attention for so long, and especially if there are more people up after you, you have to be quick. Get in, say what you gotta say, and then GTFO of there. Short didn’t become associated with sweet for nothing!
For more of Jared and Jordana’s expert opinions on how to give the best wedding speech, listen to U Up? below.
Images: Alasdair Elmes / Unsplash; Giphy (2); Tenor (5)
Look, I know weddings are expensive. Like, unreasonably expensive. So after worrying about paying for your extravagant fairytale Insta-worthy wedding for months on end, the last thing you’re going to want to worry about is figuring out what you’re going to wear for your rehearsal dinner. And, you definitely won’t want to pay a fortune for it, either. So, in my neverending quest to help make your life easier (at least in the fashion department) here are five dresses perfect for your rehearsal dinner that are all under $200. So now you can get back to obsessing over the important stuff, like whether the flowers you picked for the centerpieces (that cost way more than you’ll ever admit to your soon-to-be husband) will even photograph well.
1. Lulu’s White Bodycon Strapless Ruffle Dress, $59
Simple, classic, and perfect for your rehearsal dinner, this strapless dress is everything you want and need in your dress for your pre-wedding affair. It’s elegant and beautiful, and the ruffle adds a stunning elevated detail. Plus, at a mere $59, you could even afford to allow your annoying af cousin to bring his plus-one. Er, maybe not considering last time he brought someone to a family event it was a random girl who got so blacked out she couldn’t even walk. Either way, with how affordable this dress is you at least have the option to do so. I mean, at least if he does bring her then he’d be so busy taking care of her that he wouldn’t have time to annoy all your other guests. So that’s a plus.
2. Amanda Uprichard Evalina Dress, $198
This dress is the epitome of a classy bride. Like, the bride showing up to her rehearsal dinner in this timeless dress totally has her sh*t together. It’s simple, yet fashionable and practical. It’s effortlessly beautiful and vvv Amal Clooney vibes. And I mean, she’s the woman who locked down America’s most eligible bachelor of all time. So if it’s good enough for Amal, it’s good enough for you.
3. UO Mallory Cowl Neck Slip Dress, $49
I’m obsessed with the feminine, delicate look of this white slip dress. It’s cheap, and you could easily wear it again, but it’s also still totally perfect for this specific occasion. Again, it’s effortlessly stylish and gives the illusion that you’re a cool, chill bride. Ya know, it totally disguises the fact that you’re a Type-A Bridezilla who should probably be caged for the safety of everyone else around you.
4. ELLIATT Frida Dress, $170
Unlike the last dress, this dress lets your guests know that you’re a high-maintenance bride who takes this whole wedding thing v seriously. And for how much it’s costing you, understandably so. It’s supes stylish and has dramatic detailing and like, the design is kinda extra…but I mean, your whole wedding is extra, so respect for staying true to your brand.
5. BCBGeneration Ruffle Sleeve Mini Dress, $118
Playful, flirty, yet totally classy, this dress says “Yeah, I may get a lil drunk at the rehearsal dinner, but the only person who will know about it is my soon-to-be husband.” It’s cute and simple, and does the job. Kinda like your niece as the flower girl, who better not dare upstage you on your big day. Just drop the flowers, and fall in line, sweetie.
Overall, your dress should represent you and the overall vibe of your wedding. Like, if you’re having a huge glamorous wedding, it would be weird and confusing to wear a casual white maxi to the rehearsal dinner. You want to use the rehearsal dinner to set the tone for the whole wedding, so don’t go too casual if it’s a black tie wedding or else you risk your guests thinking it’s way more lax than it actually is. And the last thing you need is your guests showing up too casual and ruining all your photos. Like, you’re going to be TB-ing those pics on Insta for years to come, so your guests better f*cking get it right. No need for you to contribute to their incompetencies.
Images: Melody Jacob / Unsplash; Lulus; Revolve (3); Urban Outfitters
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Weddings are complicated. Having a wedding is complicated. In addition to planning a wedding, feeding hundreds of guests, and forking over your life savings for the biggest party of your life, you’ve got to add a rehearsal dinner into the mix. But WHERE you host the night before the big night matters, like, a lot. You have people coming from near and far. You have groups that have never met. You have an obligation to (ugh) talk to and express appreciation for people coming to your super important wedding. So, we’ve ranked some of the most popular rehearsal dinner spots. Some of these are good options for your rehearsal dinner, and others are… not. We trust you’ll be consulting this list come wedding time.
Brewery
The best part about a rehearsal dinner at a brewery is that you can either have a sit-down dinner or not. You can wander around, eat whatever you want (something casual works well), and then let your guests loose on the bartenders. Also, beer is cheap and not as likely to result in people barfing everywhere as if they were slamming vodka and whiskey, so you may have a better chance at your bridesmaids and groomsmen not being hungover the day of the wedding. Plus, with the millions of breweries on every corner now, this is an affordable option that still lets you see your guests before the big day, chill, and knock back six to eight brewskis.
Winery
Class, class, class. This option is v nice because you can have an intimate dinner/murder mystery in the wine cellar, an outdoor fete/garden dinner amongst the vines, or a chill sit-down inside the actual spot. Plus, since you’re renting the place, you may get a discount on whatever wine is available on site, but don’t quote me. Also, lots of wineries already have relationships with caterers or their own kitchens in house, so you may save yourself some work when it comes to feeding all these assholes, too.
Fancy Restaurant
This is the classic go-to for a rehearsal dinner, and for good reason. Booking a restaurant for the night before your wedding is a great option if you need a set menu, set time, and set group of people to sit down and be briefed on details before the wedding. However, sitting a bunch of people around giant tables can be awkward, especially if not everyone knows or likes each other. Also, it may prevent you from walking around and chatting. Don’t think, “oh, I’ll have time to talk to them after the nuptials.” I promise you won’t. You won’t have time to eat or think or finish your gin and tonic or chew your cake. So, picking a venue for your rehearsal that allows you to be amongst the common folk is important.
An Art Gallery Or Museum
You must be very high-class and high fashion to pull off this rehearsal spot. Art galleries and museums are good for rehearsal dinners if they’re private and you have a classy group of people. If y’all are a bunch of alcoholic animals, liable to make fun of any and all modern art (same), and extremely likely to test just how much your voice can echo, I would suggest another venue.
Somebody’s House
Could be yours, could be your parents’, could be his parents’—whatever. Having your rehearsal dinner in a home can be, like, fine, so long as the design of said house lends itself to people walking around, chatting, then eating. Like, if you live in a 500-foot studio or your parents live in a refurbished school house with lots of walls and haunting memories, it may not be the greatest spot for everyone to get to know each other, eat, and hang. On the other hand, it’s great if you have a noisy group of idiots that are likely to pass out on soft surfaces, fight, or just be generally unruly.
A VFW Hall
If it’s all you/his parents can afford, whatever. Fine. But you better up the ante with a metric sh*tload of decor and an AMAZING meal to make your guests forget they’re in a goddamn VFW hall. I mean, this is where Cub Scouts meet. This is where 70-year-olds talk about the good ol’ days. Can’t you pick a spot less reminiscent of a sad, dilapidated church basement and more like a higher-end banquet spot? Just saying.
Sporting Event
Look, if you’re both V into sports and met at a soccer game and play dodgeball four times per week and definitely have fulfilled some odd sexual fantasies involving sports jerseys and a basketball, go ahead and have your rehearsal at a sports game in the penthouse box thing. However, this ranks pretty low on our list of rehearsal dinner spots because it’s difficult for people to get to know each other when they’re shouting sh*t like “YOU CALL THAT A CATCH, YOU JACKASS?!” or “I SH*T FASTER THAN YOU RUN, JOHNSON!” at pro players.
Bowling/Game Night/Arcade
EW, WHAT. I was as appalled as you when I found out that people actually have bowling and/or arcade rehearsal dinners. Apparently, the thought is that such a crappy “fun” venue will help people loosen up and become super duper friends before the big day. What? Look, anywhere there’s alcohol, most of us can make friends. Please remove me from any narrative/rehearsal dinner involving ski ball, lasers, and/or bowling. Yikes.
Images: chuttersnap, Unsplash; Giphy (8)
