It is a truth universally acknowledged that when you go to Target, you’re going to spend $200 more than you need to. Like, sure, you came in for witch hazel and maybe a candle but you’re leaving with a back to school set (even though you graduated three years ago), a throw pillow making kit, and directions for a barbecue that you’ll never buy. That’s how it works.
But what if I told you that Target knew exactly what it was doing and was letting the throw pillows mess with you on purpose? I know. Welcome to the glamorous but also sad world of advertising.
After some research that was put into the very questionable dynamic of Target shoppers, Refinery29 has confirmed that your impulse buys have a scientific basis. So you’re still fiscally irresponsible and in possession of two more micro-fleece blankets than you actually need, but it’s nice to know that it’s not entirely your fault.
Basically, Target is laid out to fuck with you. According to Tom Meyvis, a professor of marketing at New York University, “Stores have an idea about the path . Walmart was once famous for doing things like putting like Band-Aids next to fishing hooks and things like that. Something you don’t naturally associate, but once you see them there, it makes sense.”
So the evil genius layout that has you staring at clothes clearly made for high schoolers, combined with the generally cheery aesthetic and likely the oxygen they pump in like a Vegas casino (unconfirmed) creates the perfect storm for an impulse buying environment. And the worst part? They know it. Joe Perdew, Target’s Vice President of Store Design, knows it. “That whole ‘I came in for shampoo and left with two carts full of other things’ phenomenon is real!”
TL;DR: Target is that guy from college that you used to hook up with when you were feeling shitty about yourself, who fully knew the situation and played into your self-destructive behavior. You will remember him. You will revisit him. You will never trust him. Or his buy one, get one candles.
It’s like, the first rule of feminism to trust no fuckboy, but there’s a difference between having a healthy sense of paranoia and literally branding your hubby’s marital status into his skin. For psychopaths with no sense of boundaries, there’s an anti-cheating wedding ring that does exactly that, because I guess chastity belts are frowned upon these days.
Here’s the idea, according to Refinery 29:
“A jeweler called Jason of Beverly Hills has designed a wedding ring embossed with the word ‘married’ on the inside, so that when you take it off, the word stays imprinted on your finger.”
Stepping up that ring game #branded #jasonofbh #cheatersbeware pic.twitter.com/zzxsr20Zvp
— Çoëuřs (@Coeurs_Noirs) January 5, 2017
I don’t even know where to begin with how fucked up this is. Yes, some people (not just dudes) take off their wedding rings so they can hide their cheating, douchebag ways from the people they hit on. But if you’re suspicious that your partner might cheat on you, what are you doing with them in the first place? There are two options here. 1) You’re putting up with a cheater because you have no self-esteem, in which case you should dump their ass and crowdfund a post-breakup solo trip through Europe. 2) They’re putting up with your paranoia because they have no self-esteem, and you could both use some therapy.
When Refinery 29 asked for comment, the company apparently responded, “Jason would like to think the design of the ring contributes to successful marriages. The ring is a symbol of a union between two people who love each other and should be viewed as that.”
Can someone please explain to me how branding “MARRIED” on your partner’s finger contributes to “successful marriages”? I think we can all agree it’s not a symbol of a romantic union, it’s a symbol of a lack of trust at best and sheer craziness at worst. Plus, as an anti-cheating tool, it’s super ineffective—cheaters can totally just take off the ring a few hours (minutes?) before and wait for the mark to fade. It’s not rocket science.
The company claimed that the jeweler got the idea from his wife, who “wished the ring would leave a mark on him if he was going to keep taking it off.” Aka a lesson in not letting your psychopath spouse have any say in your business decisions.
Basically, if you’re going to get a body modification in the name of true love (vom), just jump on the matching tattoo bandwagon like everyone else.
I’m convinced that Refinery29, the website equivalent of the girl in middle school who wore Sketchers and JC Penney clothes but still thought she was hot shit, doesn’t let their writers out of their writer-dungeon-thing. A reader recently shared with me a post from last week, titled “‘Dad’ Hats Are The Kind-Of Weird, Kind-Of Cool Trend Infiltrating Our Closets.” What’s a “dad” hat, you might ask? Great question! Here’s the author’s straightforward, not at all weird description:
“Yet another staple being revived thanks to normcore, these typically solid-colored, cotton pieces (and normally embroidered with some type of logo or pop-culture reference) are become a staple in a whole new way. And the best part about that? You probably already own one.”
You know what she’s describing? A baseball cap. She’s describing a fucking baseball cap, the same hat that literally everyone in America either has or has had in the back of their closet. She acknowledges this, yet she describes them as though she’s an astronaut performing an autopsy on alien genitalia.
Look, I have no idea if baseball caps actually pass for chic fashion these days beyond “ugh my hair is disgusting,” so don’t ask. But like, come on, act like you’ve at least seen the thing you’re writing about before.
Image: Volodymyr TVERDOKHLIB / shutterstock.com