If you’ve ever Googled anything related to your health, you’ve probably been bombarded by a billion articles claiming a variety of useless diagnoses. So, when you read one article that says that soy will kill you and another one that says it can decrease your risk of cancer, you’re probably like, “WTF?” With all these contradictory health claims, who can you believe? You’re right to be skeptical. As much as we love to waste hours scrolling through random stuff on our phones, the internet is filled with a bunch of people who think they’re experts but definitely are not. We’re talking to you, Becky—you’re not a fitness guru just because you love post-workout selfies. Also, a lot of things in science are still unknown (duh). Plus, studies can be funded by food companies and therefore can have inherent biases.
Basically what I’m trying to say is:
Good news: scientists are aware of this. In fact, they’ve even published some super helpful articles about the influence of contradictory health claims and information on consumers. Their conclusions? That there was wasn’t enough empirical evidence to clearly say anything, but people seem like they may be a little confused. No duh.
That being said, here are some of the most popular “health claims” that have totally contradictory science and therefore should be taken with a grain of salt.
Claim 1: Soy Is Bad For You
Soy is literally in everything. No, not just if you’re vegan or vegetarian, it’s literally in everything unless you, like, grow your own plants and raise your own cattle. It’s fed to most livestock, so you indirectly consume it that way, plus soy protein isolate and other processed versions are put in most protein bars, powders, and snacks.
According to this Harvard briefing (so, like, probably legit), soy is fine as long as you don’t eat too much of it. But that begs the question: how much is too much? It may improve your heart or it may cause weirdly high levels of estrogen. It may reduce the risk of breast cancer but it also may increase the risk of cancer. It also may slow down your metabolism by messing up your thyroid. SOS someone please tell me if it’s bad to be eating so much tofu.
Claim 2: Carbs Are The Devil
Often vilified, carbs have become more popular recently with the grain bowl revolution and the whole “not demonizing food” movement. On the other hand, being keto or paleo is super #trendy, both of which avoid carbs. So, should we never eat a cupcake again? Or can we go full Mean Girls and eat all the carbs to lose weight?
Seriously though, I’m really confused if gluten is going to, like, kill me or if it’s just a harmless ingredient in my breakfast cereal. Someone please LMK because the internet had no answers. Some people say carbs are great, specifically in whole-grain items. Others claim high-carb diets are terrible for you. IDK man. I just want a cookie.
Claim 3: Caffeine Will Kill You
I think I drink maybe eight cups of coffee a day (this is not an exaggeration), so I would really like someone to find out, once and for all, if this habit will kill me. Or if in fact, it’s actually great for my metabolism. According to the Mayo Clinic, more than four cups a day is not ideal. And coffee is not at all particularly beneficial to your health. If you want to know all the potential ways your coffee habit may kill you, check out this deeply terrifying collection of studies. BRB got to figure out how to cut my coffee habit. But wait—now, get confused further by checking out this list of all the benefits of drinking coffee.
Claim 4: You Should Limit Dairy Intake
When we were little, the popular idea was that kids should drink milk every day so they can have strong bones and what not. Like a billion celebrities did Got Milk ads so they could sport that iconic milk ‘stache. Now, little kids drink almond and oat milk because dairy is apparently going to kill us all. However, some recent studies have found that dairy isn’t actually that bad for us. Other doctors try to argue that it is bad for you. Are we all giving ourselves osteoporosis from calcium deficiencies? This is really starting to stress me out, NGL.
Claim 5: Red Wine Is Good For Your Heart
This seems like something that everyone just wants to be true so they can justify blacking out while watching The Bachelor ordering a glass at dinner for their heart health. Does wine *actually* benefit us? The Mayo Clinic seems to think that moderate amounts do help your heart. But Harvard health seems to think the evidence is weak. So…pick your favorite hospital? DGAF and drink a whole bottle anyway? Great plan.
Anyway, since no one knows if this stuff is true or not, go get yourself a nice fat slice of like, mocha cheesecake. Live your best life because clearly, no one knows if anything is good or bad for you. Plus like, who cares? Diets are boring. Do you think when you’re 90 you’re going to be like “damn wish I had eaten more broccoli.” No way. You will def be happy you ate that goddamn slice of cheesecake.
For more diet and health tips, listen to our podcast, Diet Starts Tomorrow!
Images: Giphy (3)
So, like, we’ve been here before, but we all need a lil refresher. Drinking wine (in something called “moderation”) does more good than bad for your bod, and honestly, we need all the help we can get. Upon some investigation, we found that wine can help us with everything from being skinny to not dying of a heart attack to LITERALLY keeping us from getting sunburned. This is big news—maybe even bigger than Arie’s proposal fiasco, but we digress. When we’re dealing with everything from Russian collusion to asteroids zipping past Earth, what better time is there to sit back and literally chug two to three glasses of the good shit in the name of health? These are the best health benefits of wine that will send you running to the nearest liquor store.
1. It Will Lower Your Risk Of A Stroke
According to Food & Wine, my go-to for all things food AND wine, a Columbia University study of 3,176 people over an eight-year period showed a 50% drop in the possibility of suffering a blood clot-related stroke for those who consumed a moderate amount of wine. Since I can never actually remember the warning signs of a stroke, I’m going to start drinking more heavily to ensure I don’t ever have to deal with one.
2. It Will Slow Down Brain Decline
Food & Wine again assures me that according to another Columbia University study (ugh so many studies), brain function declined faster in people who DIDN’T drink wine (or like, anything else) than those who did. Sooooo, wine will make me smarter? Got it.
3. It Boosts Good Cholesterol
Internet doctors also told me that another one of the health benefits of wine is that it helps boost HDL, known to science nerds as the good cholesterol. Scientists doing some kind of study found that people who drank a glass or two of wine each day had a higher level of GOOD cholesterol and less bad cholesterol. But are those benefits doubled for people who drink three or four glasses of wine per day? Asking for a friend.
4. It Will Reduce Your Risk Of Heart Attack
Web MD, the source of nearly all my Internet anxiety, claims that in 2000 there were lots of reports that wine drinkers in general had a significantly lower chance of dying from both heart attacks AND cancer. So if you aren’t looking to drop dead, turns out your casual alcoholism can help.
5. You’re Less Likely To Get Diabetes
CNN, our number one source of fake news, found that alcohol consumption (namely wine) has been associated with a 30-40% reduction in the risk of Type 2 Diabetes—aka the one you get when you get chubby.
6. It Can Help You Avoid A Beer Belly
In keeping with our good news about Type 2 Diabetes and health benefits of wine, wine is a great choice if you want to stay skinny and be an alcoholic. Wine has fewer carbs than liquor or beer, and we all know carbs are totally what gives you a gut.
7. It Can Raise Your Omega-3 Levels
Omega-3s are those good fats that are present in shit like avocados and salmon, but APPARENTLY they’re also present in wine! According to a European study (probs France honestly), regular moderate wine drinkers had higher levels of Omega-3s in their blood than non-drinkers. If this means I can chug two to three glasses of wine and skip the heavy meal, count me in.
8. It Will Literally Protect You From Sunburn
Although drinking wine on a hot summer day (unless it’s frosé) doesn’t sound, like, amazing to me, it can actually benefit your skin. Some Spanish scientists found that drinking wine can actually lessen the effect of UV rays and protect you from sunburn. Praise da lort.
Images: Giphy (4)
Recently I’ve been reading a lot of articles on how to order from a restaurant wine list like a pro, because I clearly will do anything to avoid doing any actual work at my place of work. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from reading these
blatant and offensive lies articles, it’s that they literally know shit about ordering wine. Now, I’m no sommelier, but I do drink wine like it’s water frequently, so I know a thing or two about ordering a glass of it at a restaurant. I mean, is there a healthy dose of shame involved with my ordering process? Yes. But will you enjoy the best damn glass of wine you’ve ever had in your life? Honestly, it’s unclear. See, I think I have ESPN or something, because I can basically read minds when it comes to people’s wine orders. So, just for fun, here’s a look at what actually goes through your mind when you try to order wine at a restaurant like a pro someone who’s only there for the happy hour drink prices.
*finds spot right at bar* So blessed, so moved, so grateful. Can’t believe this is my life.
Okay, now what am I in the mood to drink? I don’t necessarily want to spend 2-3 hours in the fetal position, backwards, stalking my ex on Insta, and crying into my Easy Mac, so maybe I’ll just stick with white tonight? Or at least start with it. Yeah, that sounds v responsible.
Hmm is there a happy hour price listed anywhere or…?
Wait… is that the happy price? Are you fucking kidding me? TWELVE dollars for a glass of Pinot Grigio?
Were the grapes dipped in gold or something? Was it infused with the elixir of life? ‘Cause that’s the only way I’m paying for 12 fucking dollars of this shit.
This is the cheapest thing on the menu, isn’t it? This is what I get for moving the happy hour to Williamsburg. Fuck this hipster nonsense. I’m out of here. I don’t need this kind of negativity in my life rn.
Sighs. Bartender? Yes,
I’ll have one glass you can just fuck me up rn.
That’s cute that the bartender wants to tell me about each wine on the menu. It’s like he doesn’t think I’m
a human trash chute broke and will drink anything.
Anddd he’s still going. Okay, Kevin, I get the picture. There’s a lot of wine here. I was tipped off by the “wine bar” sign out front. You can stop with the monologue now.
Why is he asking me so many questions? What do I look for in a wine? High alcohol content. Obviously.
Whatever. At least he’s pretty.
Wait. Maybe all of these questions means he’s flirting with me??
Nope. This is purely about the wine list. Should not have made that pun about how I like my wine dark and full-bodied…
Ugh, I hate when they ask me to “sample” the wine. What am I supposed to say here? “Mmm, yes, this definitely tastes like 12 dollars I will never see again”? Don’t embarrass me like this, Kevin. I thought we had something here!
Fuck, I just dribbled this shit down my chin while I was sampling. See, THIS is why I don’t sample shit.
Lol, did he just ask me if he could interest me in a bottle? What, does he think I just came here to drink one glass and leave? I’m not a monster.
Wait this wine actually isn’t half bad. Is this what life on the other side of $8 looks life? I’m a changed woman. I’m never going back to my old ways, until I see the check.
Do I want another? On the one hand it’s expensive AF, but on the other hand I hate my job, apartment, and romantic prospects so… it’s a tough call.
Whatever. It’s Wednesday, I’ve made it through three consecutive days of work without wanting to jump into oncoming traffic. I deserve this. I’ve earned this. It’s time to
drink so much wine that I’m filled with shame and regret when I look at myself in the mirror tomorrow treat myself.
Shopping for Father’s Day is stupidly difficult. If you’re wanting to skip the “fun” mugs, ties, and yard tools, wtf else is it that a dad wants?! Like us, most dads love booze. Whether they like to get weird with tequila or are happy cracking open a craft beer, most dads just want to be left the fuck alone to drink and grill with some goddamn peace and quiet. I can respect that.
So, this Father’s Day, don’t fuck up by getting a chocolate hammer and “No. 1 Dad” mug for the fourth year in a row. We’ve rounded up top contenders in all the booze categories to make this a bitchin’ (and drunk) Father’s Day.
1. Red Wine
If dear old dad is into a nice glass of red wine for sippin’ at dinner, look for something that goes with literally everything. We like 2014 Cultivate Pinot Noir—a blend of grapes from several California regions that goes really well with red meat AND chocolate. It has tasting notes of everything from ripe red fruits to a touch of black tea. Sounds manly. Plus, it’s about $27, so it counts as a legit gift.
2. White Wine
If for some reason dad is into white wine (maybe red wine gives him heartburn or makes him angry), reach for something that blends well with shit like grilled chicken, spice, and seafood. Grab a Sauvignon Blanc since it isn’t especially sweet AND it keeps dad away from basic bitch territory like Chardonnay (shudder). We like 2015 Hawkes Bay Sauvignon Blanc cause it’s got a bitchin’ blend of acid and sweet with hints of citrus. Make sure dad knows to chill his wine and serve it with something Asian-inspired—like food from that Japanese place he loves so fucking much.
If dad is into bourbon, there are a few decent ones you need to be looking to buy. One is Bulleit Bourbon which, at 90 proof, is likely to give dad a
hangover Father’s Day he’ll never forget. The good thing about this shit is that it’s smoother than most bourbons since it’s 2/3 corn and 1/3 rye. It has mild spice and a littttle sweetness, perfect for drinking straight or mixing into whatever dad needs.
If daddy has an American Express Black Card and you get your pretentious betchiness from him, chances are he drinks Scotch. Bonus points if he does the flicky water thing and sips it in a Hannibal Lecter sort of way. Anyway, if you’re looking for a good but affordable Scotch for dear dad, try Chivas Regal 12 Year Old (Blended) or Bowmore Small Batch (Single Malt). Both are under $40 so you won’t break the bank, but they’re also recognized and awarded as super smooth with interesting flavor profiles. If you’re dad’s into Irish whiskey (I know it’s not the same as Scotch, fight me), get him a bottle of Bushmills Red Bush. It’s distilled in bourbon casks for a well-rounded yet versatile flavor profile.
So if you’re Russian or something, dad probably likes his vodka. Is that profiling? Whatever. Anyway, if you’re ready to drop about $40 on good, organic vodka, try Purity Vodka. It’s made in Sweden or something and has a really clean taste with notes of vanilla and pepper not usually in vodka. Definitely a step up from Dubra and Smirnoff.
Is dad a psychopath who enjoys gin? Is this where you got your psycho tendencies from? Great! Picking a good gin is NOT as simple as grabbing a bottle of Bombay (stop). Look for something decent like The Botanist. It doesn’t taste quite as much like a cleaning solution and focuses on a niiiiice peppery kick. Plus it’s only like $40 so you can’t afford NOT to get it. Or if you want to trick Dad into thinking you spent a lot of money on his gift as penance for maxing out his credit card again or something (speaking for a friend), pick up some Sipsmith London Dry Gin. It’s made in London (and therefore automatically classy) and it has a dry finish with spicy notes of juniper and a hint of lemon tart. Dry, spicy, then tart—kind of like dad. Too corny? Sry.
Are you looking to splurge? Tequila makes us crazy, so if you want to blow dad away for Father’s Day and try to make him forget that time you totaled his car, opt for the Avion Reserva 44, which clocks in about $150. It’s super rich, aged, and has a really unique taste. If all you’ve been drinking is Jose, you won’t know what planet this shit is from.
8. Craft Beer
If dad is a simple man who just wants to be left alone with a beer, give him the gift his heart desires (and then leave him tf alone). There are literally millions of craft beers out there, so head to Trader Joe’s, grab an empty six pack, and start putting together a tasting you think dad would like. Like, any asshole can grab a case of Sam Adams—it’ll just mean SO MUCH that you took the time to put that shit together. You’re such a great daughter.
If there’s anything betches love more than wine, science has yet to invent or discover it. Not that I’ve ever been known to refuse alcohol of any kind, but vino will always hold a special place in my heart/liver. If I were to have a superpower I’m pretty sure it would be the ability to sense a bottle of Chardonnay being opened from miles away. Not only is wine fucking delicious, but it has a higher alcohol content than beer and lets you get drunk while kinda-sorta maintaining an air of sophistication. You might be passed out on the couch, but as long as you’re unconsciously clutching a wine glass, you’re passed out in, like, a classy way.
Basically, it’s a law of the universe that at any given moment, some betch somewhere is downing some variety of wine—you’re probably doing it right now. You can tell a lot about a person based on how they consume their alcohol, so here’s what your fave wine says about you.
If your favorite wine is a sparkling one, you probably don’t really like wine all that much and would rather be drinking a vodka soda (wouldn’t we all?). Irregardless, you’re a laid back person who doesn’t care that much about semantics and refers to all sparkling wines as Champagne—or at least, you better be for the purpose of this list, or else you’re just fucking obnoxious. Someone who only drinks wine with carbonation is the type who pretends they’re classy even when their life is an obvious train wreck—like when you throw up in the back of your Uber but it’s totally fine because you only got it on you and not any of the passengers or the driver’s back seat. You may post “poppin’ bottles” Insta stories, but we all know you were popping André. “Sophisticated with a hint of slutty” is your favorite Leslie Knope quote, as well as how most people would describe you.
Summer is your favorite season, and you’re either a novice drinker or have the kind of sweet tooth that’s led to way too many drunken Oreo binges. Either way, you have yet to figure out your limits, so you’re always the one to get way too drunk too fast and get carried out of the bar by your friends who can actually handle their alcohol. But whatever— you’re the life of the party before then, so people don’t hate you all that much for now. Just don’t expect the goodwill to last forever.
You always talk about getting out and seeing the world, but you never actually do because you’re a bit of a homebody. Maybe when you graduate you’ll get around to it.
You don’t like to make waves, and while you’re not shy, you can usually be found getting drunk with your BFF in the corner at parties. You love fitness almost as much as you love wine and judging people, which is partly why you’ve stuck with pinot g. for so long—it’s a totally acceptable day drink, so you can sleep before your half-marathon in the AM. (Ugh.) Honestly, you can be a little insufferable, but your six-pack is super impressive.
Subtlety isn’t a Chardonnay drinker’s strong point. You know what you like, and you stick to it. Among your friends, you’re known for having a dry sense of humor. Sometimes, people say it’s a little too dry, but whatever, you’re confident enough to know anyone who can’t take teasing isn’t worth your time. Besides, you’d think people would want to know when they’re having a bad hair day. You work in, like, finance or something, and you fully expect to own a house in the Hamptons one day.
If your favorite wine is pink, you walk the line between nicegirl and betch with care. Every Saturday night, you can be found making regrettable decisions in a series of shitty bars, and every Sunday morning, you’re arranging brunch, rain or shine, because you believe day drinking is the best cure for a hangover. (Duh.) You watch The Bachelor religiously and pretend not to be as invested as you are. You like to think you’re unpredictable, but really, you just hate making decisions—even between red and white wine. Good thing we’re entering rosé season, when it’s socially acceptable to be tipsy at all times. Just try not to let the cumulative hangover kill you in September.
You started drinking red wine because whether you like to admit it or not, you judge the shit out of white wine drinkers. The only problem is you can’t bring yourself to buy the dry, bitter stuff, so when you discovered you like pinot noir, you stuck to it. You’re a secret romantic with an account on every dating app, and you’re always complaining about the dating scene in whatever city you live in. A word of advice: Stop doing that.
You like to tell people you’re low-key, but you’re less responsible than you let on. (TG, because responsibility is boring.) After you’ve drunk an entire bottle of the pinot you brought to the pregame, you’re the one doing shots and rallying the troops. Then you decide you’re never drinking again and spend the next weekend going on disappointing Tinder dates and watching Netflix until you stop feeling sorry for yourself.
You’re one of those people others describe as headstrong. You kept a bottle of hot sauce in your bag before Beyoncé made it cool, and you’re down to try pretty much whatever. Admit it: You’ve thought “YOLO” unironically before doing something stupid like drinking the vodka some dude offered you in a parking lot.
You list “world traveler” on your Instagram bio, and you love meeting new people you can force to listen to your many stories. People tend to like you at first, but you’ve also been told to STFU about your exotic vacation because it’s all you talk about. You’ll settle down when you feel like it and not a moment before.
You come from money—you’ve been knocking back wine since your mom started turning a blind eye at fancy family parties, so a cab’s dry bitterness doesn’t bother you. You like to take charge and go for what you want; if life were a reality show, you’d be the one who isn’t there to make friends. (You also tend to speak in clichés.) TBH you’re pretty judgmental, but you’re not terrible to be around once you decide to like someone. Even when blackout, you’re more likely to carry a Riesling drinker out of the bar than be carried out yourself. After all, you have appearances to maintain.
Is it too meta to propose a toast to wine using a glass of wine? Whatever, I’ll drink to it anyway.
Drinking as a Chosen One is a tough job. At least twice per year we have to throw our tastebuds to the wind and partake in Kosher food AND wine that sometimes, really, does not cut it in terms of taste. I mean, I’m still not convinced that Manischewitz is a wine and not just mislabeled juice. It’s a centuries-long conspiracy, I’m telling you! Anyway, lucky for you and my tinfoil hat, we scoured the internet for the best kosher for Passover wines so you A) don’t have to suffer through another glass of Manischewitz and B) can get Passover drunk like an adult. Check out lists here, here, here, oh—and here, for even more suggestions.
1. Drappier Carte D’or Brut
Literally any holiday calls for some bubbly, and this Champagne is Kosher AND palatable. Mostly Pinot Noir grapes make up this dry, crisp, and fruity bubbly drank. Pop this shit and feel like Drake at his bar mitzvah.
2. Domaine du Castel Grand Vin
Since this blend of Cabernet Sauvignon and Bordeaux varietals is produced in the Judean Hills of Israel, it’s no wonder it’s decent kosher for Passover wine. It’s smooth, it’s got tons of berry and (non-bitter) herb flavor, AND it works perfectly with brisket.
3. Yarden Odem Chardonnay 2008
If Bubbie usually puts out a bowl of matzah ball or chicken soup for Passover, bring this Chardonnay. It’s produced by Victor Schoenfeld, a true baller in the Israeli wine arena. It smells like spring fruit and is made with organically grown grapes from northern Galilee, so you know it’s legit. If your family is legit and you typically have both soup and brisket, bring wines 2 and 3—fucking duh. I mean, you are supposed to drink at least four glasses, so. It’s what Elijah would want.
4. Capçanes Peraj Ha’abib Flor de Primavera, Montsant, Spain 2009
It’s a mouthful to explain, so you know it’s good. This red is a blend of Grenache, Carignan, and Cab Sauv, so it goes nicely with something like a roast chicken or turkey, if that’s how you do Passover. It’s one of the more popular Kosher wines in Spain—which, I’m not really sure how big of a sample size that is. But, shit, you know Spanish people know their wines. Trust.
5. Bartenura Moscato
The famous blue bottle of Moscato from Italy has been a staple in kosher households for years. You might have even seen those “Hello Bluetiful” ads on a nearby bus stop or billboard and thought to yourself how cheesy and/or dumb of an ad slogan that was. Well, this is that wine! The wine is better than the marketing campaign, trust me. It’s smooth, sweet, but not overtly sweet. Sound familiar? That’s cause DJ Khaled has been known to drink it out of the bottle. Kosher wine being featured in a hip-hop video—that’s what Moses was really fighting for.
6. NV Laurent-Perrier Cuvée Rosé Brut
Rosé Champagne for the win—the berry-forward, bubbly, and almost nutty drank goes really well with anything salty, like your aunt Sharon’s attitude towards your dating life. JK, break out the fried smelts and brisket.
7. 2014 Covenant Israel Syrah
Yeah, this bottle retails around $70, but it’s also dark with fruit, licorice, cloves, and is intense in the best way. I don’t really know who reading this is spending $70 on kosher wine—or any wine, for that matter—but if you are, more power to you. And also: adopt me?
8. 2013 Carmel Kayona Riesling
This isn’t your normal honey-sweet Reisling. It’s more of a dry variety, with some citrus and nuttiness. It goes well with chicken, soup, and other light fare, so knock this back during appetizer hour and/or sip it on the low when your dad is passing out the matzah/bitter herb/charoset sandwiches.
9. Baron Herzog Chenin Blanc
What goes with matzah? This Chenin Blanc which is inexpensive, not too dry, and highly rated. It also pairs well with veggies and white fish, so you’re pretty much set on the whole Passover wine pairing thing. Honestly, though, if you eat matzah of your own volition and not just because it’s forced upon us AND like it so much that you’re pairing it with wine, I’m calling the police. You are not well.
10. 2014 Flam Classico Judean Hills
Bordeaux and a hint of Syrah make this wine great with literally (like, almost) anything. The winemaker behind it studied in Italy before heading back to the Promised Land, and it shows.
In reasons-to-drink-wine news, a new study has confirmed that, once again, drinking a shit ton of red wine is totally great for you! Take that, mom. According to Bravo, our source of D-list celebrity fights, totally real housewives, and million-dollar homes we can’t afford, a new study claims that red wine can actually aid in preventing dementia.
Before you play a personal game of slap the bag, let us explain. According to a UCLA study, a group of people who were already kinda dealing with the whole putting-keys-in-the-refrigerator thing were placed in a study. About half of them were given some red wine. In a Twilight Zone turn of events, those who drank the red wine showed LESS of a decrease in brain function than those who had no red wine. Thus, the fancy scientists determined that red wine is a miracle drug and will help Gramma remember shit a lot better.
Of course, there have to be tons more studies and science and boring shit to TRULY prove this, but it’s definitely hopeful. Because there were only 10 people in the study, it’s kind of hard to say that red wine is 100% responsible for helping. But, on the other hand, red wine is already held up as being healthy af in terms of being an anti-inflammatory and antioxidant rich. Add on the fact that it may help slow “cognitive decline” and we don’t need another excuse to buy six cases of it right now. All that considered, it isn’t too much of a reach to say it can prevent the sad turn of events that made that bitch from The Notebook lose her mind during a totally cute dinner and dance sesh with old Ryan Gosling.
Jim McAleer, president and CEO of Alzheimer’s Orange County, said in an interview with The Feast, “Red wine has been shown … to help the heart, so it is reasonable to think it may help brain health by lowering stress, reducing cholesterol, etc. …” He of course went on to be a total party pooper/Debbie Downer and said to not START drinking just for health benefits. Obviously, that doesn’t apply to any of us since we a) know our wines and b) have been drinking since we learned about alcohol.
The age-old question of what cheese to pair with our wine rears its head just about every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday evening. With The Bachelor finale coming up—THANK GOD—we need to prepare ourselves for the cheese and wine fest about to ensue. But like, let’s be classy.
Here are our fav ten cheese and wine pairings that you need to know or else risk looking like a plebian.
1. Zinfandel And Jalapeño Cheddar
Find a spicy cheddar in the poor cheese aisle and grab a Zinfandel. The dry red wine works super well with spicy shit since the wine itself is fruity and kinda spicy thanks to hints of black pepper. Shit, go crazy and grab some of the pre-sliced habanero cheese if you’re feeling wild.
2. Port And Blue Cheese
If you’re an 80-year-old man, you love Port! So, grab one of those old bottles you have lying around the house and pair it with the cheese that smells most like old people—in this case, blue cheese. The rich, sweet Port balances nicely with the bold (to say the least) flavor of blue cheeses like stilton and gorgonzola.
3. Pinot Noir And Goat Cheese
Yeah, you could be basic and throw some triple crème brie out with your Pinot Noir, but better yet, pair it with a goat cheese like chèvre. The creamy factor works to bring out the flavor of the wine, and you’ll feel fancy nomming on this combo.
4. Pinot Grigio And Feta
Did you make a Greek salad and buy too much feta? Never fear—pair that shit with some Pinot Grigio and treat yo’self. The fruit background in the wine works with the salty yet mild taste of the feta. Look at you, bein’ culinary.
5. Merlot And Monterey Jack
Are you too poor to buy cheese from the nice section of the store? That’s okay. Grab a box of the finest Merlot and pair it with your favorite poor people cheese, monterey jack. Because the cheese is on the less-intense-flavor side (see: bland), it pairs well with an easy drinking Merlot. Now you too, can enjoy a fine wine and cheese night, regardless of how in debt you are!
6. Malbec And Aged Cheddar
So, as opposed to the shitty cheddar you can buy in block form near the tubs of cream cheese and sugar-yogurt, head to the fancy cheese section and pick up an aged English or farmhouse cheddar to nom with your Malbec. The smooooooooth
jazz sounds flavor of the wine cuts through that super hostile aggressive attitude put forth by the cheddar. We can relate.
7. Prosecco And Parmesan
If you’re craving bubbles but are too poor for Champagne, grab some Prosecco and pair it with a rind (or a bowl of shredded) parmesan. The bubbly happiness cuts some of the supernsalty taste of the parmesan, so you’ll be able to eat and drink without feeling like your mouth is a salty desert. Unlike your DM’s.
8. Chardonnay And Mild Cheddar
If you’re a middle-aged soccer mom, you have at least six bottles of Chardonnay in the house at any given time. Pair it with the mild cheddar you use in your kids’ sandwiches, because you didn’t get a chance to go to the store for fancy shit this week. It’s okay, you can still have “me time” with these meager (but delicious) rations.
9. Cabernet Sauvignon And Aged Gouda
According to VinePair, this pair works because the gouda is super, extra nutty and the Cab Sav is a pretty bold, full-bodied wine. Now, given, you could also use this salty, nutty cheese with a sweet wine—but since we aren’t in fucking high school, let’s try to drink like adults.
10. Reisling And Mozzarella
If you dig on sweet wines like Reisling, Gewürztraminer, Moscato, and Chenin Blanc, grab a fresh, soft cheese like ricotta, mozzarella, or burrata. According to Serious Eats, the sweet and soft combo works because, like, why wouldn’t it? You don’t have some big bold wine showing up your delicate mozzarella—and you wouldn’t make that fucking rookie mistake anyway. Plus, tannins will fuck your flavors up, so stay away if you’re looking to sit, alone, with a tub of ricotta and a bottle of Moscato. Cute.