How are we feeling, Handmaid-heads? This week’s recap is rated NC-17 so please don’t read it out loud to your kids! Considering how much of this week’s plot revolved around semen, it’s really the best I could do. We begin with just a snippet of Symphony Number 9 by Beethoven (deep cut) before we go straight to June, limping her way back to Commander Zaddy’s house with Aunt Lydia. Apparently Lydia’s plan to move June out of the Lawrence house from two episodes ago is no longer a thing.
Lydia: You’re a good girl, OfJoseph.
Me: Didn’t you and all the other aunts just do a roundtable shit talking sesh of her? Two-faced bitches…
Turns out the Lawrences have redecorated to “D.C. standards” according to “Commander Waterford’s proclamation.” Now the Waterfords aren’t only rich family in Gilead that can’t bring themselves to buy a f*cking lamp.
In the kitchen, June catches up with Beth the Martha, who tells her that the delicious basket of scones on the table are actually a message from the #Resistance telling her they can’t get any more meds for Madame Zaddy, whose mental illness has been getting worse. This is why we take our meds, people.
Martha Beth: Scones mean no.
Me: Aaaaand I know what my new tattoo is going to say!
June wastes no time letting everybody know about her plan to free all the children in Gilead. Apparently she’s completely cured of the insanity she displayed the past two episodes, and nobody is going to bring it up again, just like the time I lost my sh*t during Spring Break and had to leave Cabo early. Oops.
June: I’m going to free all the children!
Finally Commander Zaddy/Lawrence appears, looking all conflicted.
June: You know you could free your wife and take her to Canada where she could get help.
Lawrence: Okay well you’ve been home for less than five minutes, so why don’t you chill?
At the Grocery Store AKA The Den of the Resistance
June heads over to the juice aisle, which is basically a freedom fighters’ bunker at this point, to tell OfRobert about her amazing plan to free all the children.
OfRobert: I can’t talk to you. They’re watching us. And you’re really conspicuous.
Finally, somebody tells her.
The handmaids are then all ushered to a stadium that is conveniently attached to the grocery store for an “inspection” by none other than Fred Waterford, the human embodiment of the word “ugh”. He has taken his micropenis compensation tour to DC, where he’s doing fabulously. He arrives and starts bothering June immediately, like an ex who texts you “merry Christmas” after not seeing him for seven months.
Fred is joined by Commander Winslow (or, as he is known in the comment section, Commander Stabler) and Serena Joy, who opts not to mention the fact that last time she and June hung out, June tried to stab her with a tiny knife. Tactful.
Stabler immediately starts going in on all the handmaids and points out Janine’s new velvet eyepatch as not “regulation.”
Me/Aunt Lydia’s Inner Monologue: YOU KEEP JANINE’S NAME OUT YOUR MOUTH BITCH!!!!!
Commander Winslow then turns to June to ask her how she’s liking living with Commander Lawrence, to which she replies that he “treats her with respect.”
Back at Commander Zaddy’s
June has been free for 48 hours and wastes no time breaking into offices to steal important documents. She’s in Commander Lawrence’s office, which is literally full of books. Stacks and stacks of books—Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, The Other Boleyn Girl—he’s got ‘em all. Just as she’s about to give up her search, June finds a valuable ally in Madame Zaddy, who can probably still smell June’s crazy and sees her as a kindred spirit. Despite all the sh*t everyone has been talking about her, Mrs. Lawrence seems pretty with it and cool at this moment. Maybe the best medicine for her illness is…collusion!??!
Luckily for June who, in case you forgot, is going to free all of the children, her commander keeps files on all the children born to handmaids in Gilead conveniently located in his basement.
June gets the documents and immediately turns to her own file, which is kind of like when you look at your own Insta page to try and see how it looks through someone else’s eyes. (We all do this, right??)
June: Have you ever considered leaving Gilead?
Madame Z: You mean go somewhere where I could get mood stabilizers instead of herbal tea?
Honestly are we even sure that Madame Zaddy is crazy? Or is she just another woman who has fallen victim to that label when really she’s just having normal emotional reactions to the intensity of her surroundings? **exhales large puff of marijuana smoke**
Sadly, MZ explains can’t just leave because her husband is a “war criminal” who “invented the colonies” and is “responsible for unspeakable torture and death.” Don’t ya just hate when that happens?
Anyway, this scene ends with MZ finding a mysterious looking special box and bouncing back upstairs.
At the Waterfords’ Hotel
Back at their hotel, Fred is clearly jealous that June has found a new commander who is cool and not a rapist. As most insecure people do, he then immediately starts talking sh*t on Lawrence to Winslow, dragging him for not getting any of his handmaids pregnant. As we know, Fred is just projecting here because he knows deep in his soul that he is the one who is shooting blanks and he couldn’t get a handmaid pregnant if he came in her brain. (I told you this was rated NC-17.)
Then Fred and Winslow start speaking cryptically about a way to “ensure virility” in the Lawrence household and Serena Joy is like, “Uh…isn’t that a little extreme?” The last time something like this happened, Fred assaulted June into going into labor, so I think we can all tell immediately that whatever the f*ck this is, it’s not going to be good.
June gets called in from looking up where all her friend’s children are (Janine’s son is dead, btw) by a very freaked-out looking Martha who tells her “they need you in the sitting room.”
It’s immediately clear that things are set up for Ceremony, which makes me realize we haven’t seen a Ceremony at all since last season. Not that I’m complaining.
Fred, Serena, Winslow, and Aunt Lydia all show up and we realize that apparently tonight’s ceremony is also a group date. I’m immediately like, okay so where is this going exactly? Are they gonna watch them do it? Are they gonna put them into bed and then check the sheets like in Shakespearean times? Will Aunt Lydia sub in and give Lawrence a hand job?
Eventually we find out that while they are not going to actually watch the Ceremony go down (good), they are going to have a doctor immediately “examine” June to make sure she has man seed inside her. For religious folk, these Gileadens really are freaks.
For his part, Commander Lawrence is extremely not into what is happening and immediately tries to find a way to get out of it. So was I, as I was watching it. Suddenly I’m over here thinking that maybe he could finish in his own hand and then give it to her somehow and then she would—you know what, I’m not even going to finish this.
Sadly, there is no way out and it is June herself who has to tell Commander and Madame Z that they’re just gonna have to f*ck now. MZ does not love this idea, which again, isn’t really all that crazy and is a pretty appropriate reaction for what is happening around her. She starts screaming and sh*t but then June, who has gone from insane herself to human Prozac in just one episode, calms her down.
They have sex—or whatever you would call what just happened between the two of them—but for the first time ever, Handmaid’s Tale doesn’t make us watch it. Thanks, I guess? As promised, June is “examined” in front of an audience of three people and found to be sufficiently cream-pied (I believe that is the medical term).
TLDR: I think the whole point of this scene is to show Lawrence that the world he cannot protect himself or his wife from the world he has created, and force him to #resist. Also we learn that the punishment for using contraception is being torn apart by dogs.
At the Waterfords’ Hotel
Cut to: the Waterfords relaxing after a hard day of rape by proxy.
Serena is annoyed at Fred for focusing on his career over their kidnapped baby. She then tells him about her hot American friend in Canada who gave her ciggs that one time, and tells friend they can work with him to get baby Nichole back. F*ck the Waterfords.
Our episode ends with June convincing OfRobert and Janine to help her get all the children out of Gilead. With Commander Z fully flipped, June now has access to a truck. June does not tell Janine that her son is dead, which is probably wise.
Back at the Lawrence residence, Beth the Martha put out feelers for the whole “freeing the children” and the response was…not scones!!! It’s muffins!!! Scones mean no!!! Muffins mean yes!!! June is really going to save the children!!!
This moment of triumph is ruined by June looking to camera and saying, “we’re gonna need a bigger boat,” at which point I threw my laptop across the room. I’ll leave you with this video of comedian Andrew Farmer doing an impression of Ann Dowd (Aunt Lydia) as Ursula the sea witch. Enjoy.
— Andrew Farmer (@thatsajellyfish) May 24, 2019
Roadtrip!!! This week on The Handmaid’s Tale the Waterfords get a much needed roadtrip to Canada and tbh the whole thing is drama. Like, first it seems like it’s all going well with the Waterfords’ meeting with the Prime Minister of Canada, but then the Prime Minister goes on TV and says that Canada won’t be pushed around by Gilead’s new tariffs, and Mr. Waterford loses his shit on Twitter, calling the Canadian PM “weak” and pulls out his support for the joint communique they signed and – oh fuck, I’m sorry. That wasn’t the Handmaid’s Tale. That was just what actually happened in the real world this week.
In my defense, it’s getting increasingly difficult to tell the difference. Onto this week’s episode…
At The Waterford House
We open on June, who is literally about to pop. I guess production finally invested in a pregnancy belly for her rather than just relying on her new sweatshirt (which she is still wearing, btw) to do the heavy lifting. Good for them.
Mr. Waterford is still riding high on his “I viciously beat my wife – aka the only person on this Earth who can stand me – in front of our handmaid while reading Bible verses” glow and calls a house meeting to announce that he is going on vacation to Canada, presumably to
buy weed do diplomacy or some shit.
Much like my parents any time they went out of town when I was in high school, Mr. Waterford doesn’t even have the decency to let June have the run of the house, and has appointed some rando guard to “watch over them” aka make sure nobody has any fun.
Nick also has to go on the trip as does Serena Joy, who is handed the literally impossible task of making it seem like women in Gilead are actually very happy. Honestly, they should have left Serena at home and taken Baby Wife, who actually does seem to enjoy this shit.
Speaking of Baby Wife, she sends Nick off with another one of her shitty children’s crafts. This time it is a tin full of cookies. I’m honestly shocked she’s allowed to use the stove unsupervised, but whatever.
Baby Wife: I’ll miss you, Nick!
While Nick is downstairs dodging his wife’s underage affection, Serena is upstairs being a giant bitch – aka the status quo.
Serena is pulling a classic “I’m really mad at my man but I don’t want to admit our relationship is shitty so I will project my anger on the other woman,” and tells June that she’s going to kick her out of the house after the baby comes.
June, for some reason, is upset by this. Is it because she wants to nurse the baby? Is it because of Nick? Is it because her eyes have finally adjusted to living in the complete darkness of the Waterford house and now she’s worried her eyeballs will burn if she moves somewhere else? Unclear.
For the first time in Handmaid’s history, the Canada plot line is interesting. Bravo Hulu!
The Waterfords arrive and Luke and Moira just so happen to catch them on the news. Ugh, your ex’s new boo* always pops up in the most random places, right? So annoying.
*kidnapped wife’s rapist.
While Moira and Luke rush over to see if Little America will arrest Mr. Waterford (Short answer: no), Serena Joy is taking in the sights. Personally, the first thing that I noticed about Canada is that they have lamps. I’m sure Serena noticed too. I half expected her to try and smuggle a lightbulb out of the country in her vag, but she does not.
One of the biggest testaments to how shitty Gilead is is the look of wonderment in Serena’s eyes as she gazes upon the modern Canadian lifestyle. Like, Canada is fine and all, but she’s looking at it like she’s a Bachelor contestant who just arrived at the mansion. She’s mystified.
They meet with Canadian officials and like the most annoying girl in your sorority who just spent a semester in France, Mr. Waterford attempts to dazzle them with his mastery of the French language. No one is impressed. Every vagina for miles is bone dry.
Not only is no one impressed, but the Canadian officials waste no time dunking on Mr. Waterford every chance they get.
Mr. Waterford: Hello I’m Fre-
Canadian Official: I’M GAY YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
A female official takes a walk with Serena in the garden, but it’s really just a front for her to start an extremely passive aggressive conversation wherein she criticizes every aspect of Serena’s life without actually saying anything critical. Is this woman my mother? IDK.
Serena: What a lovely garden.
Lady Official: Yeah I don’t really have time to notice lovely gardens because I am WORKING at my JOB which I am allowed to have because I’m FREE. Anyway is gardening a common hobby back in boringville where you live?
Serena: …I like knitting.
Of course, we all know that Serena actually “detests” knitting from last episode when she and June were still BFFs. Now that she burned that bridge she has no one to talk shit about knitting with. So sad.
Back In Gilead
Well surprise, surprise, turns out letting Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine get naked and bring her baby back to life, while great for the baby, was not great for Janine’s mental health.
“Has your baby dropped yet?” – Janine, talking to June like her baby is a mixtape.
SpongeNine OneEyeball is is 10x crazier than before, out here screaming the word “vagina” in the streets. Someone take this bitch jellyfishing or something.
Once again, Janine and June are fully ignoring the orders of the nearby guard.
Me: So they’re just allowed to not listen to the guards? Where is the line here?
Janine: SUCK MY DICK, GUARD!!!!!!
Me: aaaaand there it is.
The guard promptly pistol whips Janine for screaming “SUCK MY DICK” in his face, which, tbh, seems like a pretty reasonable boundary. I mean, not that anyone should ever hit a mentally ill woman with the back end of a gun, but I feel like screaming “SUCK MY DICK” at a cop is generally frowned upon, even in the freest of societes.
Cut to Serena Joy using the elevator all by herself.
Little girl: Are you a princess?
SJ: No honey, I’m a slave.
Wtf kind of Disney movies is this little girl watching where she thinks Serena Joy is a princess? I guess the blue dress/blonde bun combo is very Cinderella, but IMHO Serena reads less as “princess” and more as “evil blue nun” to me.
The little girl’s mom wants literally nothing to do with Serena and won’t even share an elevator with her, which almost makes me feel bad for SJ until I realize this is 100% how she probably treated people of color back in the regular America days and I stop feeling bad immediately.
Serena, a girl after our own hearts, heads straight to the bar, where she orders a Riesling because she’s trying to keep it classy. She’ll save the full glass of Johnny Walker Black for when she’s safely back in her hotel room.
A man approaches the bar and puts down a box of cigarettes, and SJ’s eyes go completely black like a shark who just smelled blood.
Then the guy just like…lights a cigarette inside? Wtf? Can people smoke inside in Canada? And the bartender is so nice about it, like it’s a mistake anyone could make, and the guy acts genuinely shocked to hear he can’t just light up in a hotel bar. What is this scene?
Anyway, the cigarette guy boldly sits down next to Serena and starts aggressively hitting on her, which I initially found shocking until I remembered that this is a guy who literally just lit a cigarette in a hotel bar and acted surprised it wasn’t okay, so he obviously has some nerve.
Turns out the guy doesn’t just want to get into Serena’s pants. He actually wants to save her by sending her to Hawaii.
Umm…excuse me but…HAWAII is an option? Why is everyone dicking around in Canada then? I get that Canada is closer but once you get there why not use some of those JetBlue miles you stored up from before the war and get to the damn beach? IDGI.
Cigarette guy also lays out some crucial facts, namely that Mr. Waterford is probably shooting blanks.
Cigarette Guy: Picture this, Serena – you, pregnant, on a beach. Your shitty husband nowhere to be found. Me, just a few feet away, filling our beachside cabana with carcinogens while I chain smoke my way through painting our baby’s nursery. Sounds amazing, no?
Serena (lying): No.
Serena has a couple of zingers in this scene like “all you’ve offered me is treason and coconuts,” which could totally be her Real Housewives Of Gilead tagline if women in Gilead were allowed to be on TV.
At The Waterford House
Back in Gilead, June is trying to figure out what to do about the fact that she’s about to be kicked out of the house.
She starts her search for Gilead’s Next Top Godmother with Rita, who she acts to protect the baby.
June: Please protect my baby when Serena kicks me out.
Rita: I mean I can try but IDK if you’ve noticed that I basically have the same amount of power as you?
Cut to: Aunt Lydia measuring June’s pregnant belly. She also takes June’s blood pressure.
For real, is Aunt Lydia a doctor? She has doctor supplies. She oversees pregnancies. What is Aunt Lydia’s area of expertise? What are the parameters of her job? I NEED ANSWERS.
June takes this opportunity to essentially snitch on Mr. Waterford (but like, the good kind of snitch, where a powerful man is called to account for his terrible behavior) and I felt very stupid for not realizing that the reason June is so upset to leave her baby with Mr. Waterford is because Mr. Waterford literally just beat the shit out of his wife in front of her.
June: It is my experience that a man that would hurt a woman would also hurt a child.
Aunt Lydia says she would “never let harm come to a child” and it’s supposed to be this big moment but like…isn’t that just standard human morality? Sorry, but I’m not gonna give Aunt Lydia a standing O for saying she wouldn’t hurt an infant. I know we’re in Gilead, but the bar has got to be higher than that.
But finally…the moment we’ve all been waiting for….a tiny piece of info about Aunt Lydia’s life before.
Aunt Lydia: I was godmother to my sister’s child. He died at 4 weeks old.
June: Omg I’m so so-
Aunt Lydia: It wasn’t my fault!!!
Narrator: It was totally Aunt Lydia’s fault.
Oh shit! All of June’s boyfriends are in the same place! What is she, me at prom?
This is so awkward. Mr. Waterford gets out of his car and Luke runs to the front of a giant protest and greets him with a casual, “YOU RAPED MY WIFE,” and then Nick is just standing there like “Ohhhhhh shittttt.”
Mr. Waterford is like, not at all phased by the fact that some guy just ran up and (rightfully) accused him of rape. Nick, on the other hand, is shooketh.
Luke heads straight to bar to shake off those I-just-confronted-the-guy-who-kidnapped-my-wife blues and Nick approaches him and lays out everything: June is okay (by Gilead standards) and she’s pregnant (he doesn’t mention that it is his baby, which is probably wise).
Luke: GET OUT!! GET AWAY FROM ME!! Actually, come back.
Me: Wow is Luke me?
Honestly, jokes aside, this scene got to me. Something about the desperation in Luke’s voice when he’s telling messages for Nick to relay to June just gave me chills. This is the first of three major chills I get throughout this episode. Did Handmaid’s Tale make my cold, dead heart feel again? Perhaps, dear reader. Perhaps…
Anyway, Nick gives Luke the letters everyone keeps forgetting to deliver and then fucks off back to his hotel.
Cut to: Luke’s apt, where he and his roomies are reading the letters and we are alerted to the fact that apparently Forever 21 exists in the Handmaid’s Tale world.
So people don’t know they can’t smoke at bars, but they do know about Forever 21? Got it.
Moira: Ugh I thought these would have C4 in them or some shit. Something to make Gilead go boom.
Me: Literally same.
However, as the third roommate points out, and as was implied at the end of episode 7, the words ARE the revolution. This WILL make Gilead go boom. Symbolism!!!!!!!!
Cut to: Mr. Waterford getting his ass kicked out of Canada.
Turns out someone (Luke) uploaded the letters “to the internet” (tumblr) and now the Canadians don’t want the Waterfords there anymore. They even get a “we believe the women” in there before sending their asses packing. Bye bitches! Don’t let the freedom hit you on the way out!
Back at Luke and Moira’s, they’re holding a literal party to celebrate the Waterfords leaving. Imagine if people held a party because you left the country? Sucks to suck.
Chills pt. 2 come when all the remaining citizens of Little America start singing “America the Beautiful” in unison. The American spirit lives on! They may have our land, but they do not have our hearts! America! America! God shed his grace on thee!!!! I’m not crying! You’re crying!
The Waterfords Are Back
The Waterfords return and Serena symbolically throws the matches cigarette guy gave her into the fire, letting us all know that she has chosen the dimly lit barren life of Gilead over pregnancy on the beach. Whatever floats your boat I guess…
Meanwhile, Nick pays June a little visit.
Nick: Soooo….I ran into your ex. He says hey. We talked about you!
And chills round 3 come in here, when June is overwhelmed with happiness hearing that Moira and Luke are okay and living together in Canada.
Here’s where I must pause and say, I know Elizabeth Moss is a Scientologist, but she is a Scientologist who can act. Like, I get that we’ve already given her all the awards, but we should give them to her again. We should invent new awards just so that we can give them to Elizabeth Moss for her beautiful work in this scene. Praise be. Blessed be the Elizabeth Moss. I need to go to bed.
PS: NICK ALSO CALLS BABY WIFE “EDEN” IN THIS SCENE AND I WROTE IT DOWN BECAUSE…HER NAME IS EDEN!!!! BABY WIFE’S NAME IS EDEN!!!! I will probably forget, because she is boring, but I got so excited when I finally heard him say it that I had to write it down.
Other things to note: this episode ends with June looking directly to camera and thinking “Fuck that,” (I feel like they’ve done this before???) implying that she’s going to try to escape Gilead while pregnant again.
Okay now I’m really going to bed…
It comes as no surprise to us Handmaid’s fans that this week’s episode was bleak as hell. June’s brain has officially been broken, making her Offred until further notice. Much like a friend who got hot in college, Offred has lost all personality and is merely a shell of her former self, seeking only to please those around her. It’s so sad. Offred used to be fun.
Back At The Waterford’s
We open on Offred going down on the sink. Okay. She goes to grab the very, very top secret letters she was supposed to deliver for Mayday that she’d cleverly hid…behind the tub? Considering Aunt Lydia’s penchant for busting into the bathroom for random vagina checks, this seems like a bad place to hide such sensitive documents.
But none of that matters anyway because June is Offred now and Offred has decided to use the letters to make a fire. In the house. Once again, not the best idea.
Nick: Hey Offred, I can’t help but notice you’ve lit a bunch of letters on fire in the kitchen.
Offred: I’m not supposed to be out of my room…
Nick: Right cool you also aren’t supposed to light fires in the house? That’s not even a Gilead thing that’s like, a being in the house thing.
Cut to: Offred doing her daily weigh in/poop check/vaginal smell test.
So I guess Aunt Lydia is also Offred’s doula? Are the Aunts given midwifery training at Aunt school? Again, I need Aunt Lydia’s backstory like, yesterday.
Offred does a weigh in and she’s apparently 132 pounds, and I am honor-bound to call call bullshit. Isn’t she like…5 months pregnant? Elizabeth Moss is tiny, but she doesn’t seem that tiny. As a result of this announcement, I went down a pregnancy Google rabbit hole that will have my Facebook ads thinking I want to buy a crib for years to come. Here are my findings:
Elizabeth Moss is 5’3.
The average 5’3 woman is anywhere between 107 and 140 pounds.
The average woman gains 25 to 30 pounds while pregnant.
The average underweight woman (which Offred, being a Handmaid, might be) gains 28 to 40 pounds.
Aunt Lydia says later in the episode that Offred’s baby is the size of a papaya, meaning she is five and a half months pregnant.
This random pregnancy weight gain calculator I used said that Offred’s weight gain is on track.
My personal goal weight is 135 pounds.
The verdict: Offred’s weight (while potentially correct) is an attack on me and my family.
Aunt Lydia Vs. The World
Once we’ve nailed down when Offred’s last shit was, Aunt Lydia sends her upstairs to wash her vagina and she and Serena Joy get to have a little girl-to-girl chat.
Serena lights up another Virginia Slim, because I guess she knows nothing about how second hand smoke affects pregnant people.
Aunt Lydia: You know, I used to smoke too.
Turns out Mr. and Mrs. Waterford are over Aunt Lydia and want her out of the house. Literally same.
Mr. Waterford comes down the stairs on his way to Narc School or whatever the fuck he does all day, and tries to ask how “the handmaid” is doing. True lol at him and Serena pretending they’re concerned about Offred’s sudden change in mental state. That consideration probably would have been good approximately 100 sexual assaults ago.
Just like me at Sunday brunch, Aunt Lydia realizes she is not wanted and dips out early to go bother someone else.
Back To The Colonies
We’re back at the colonies, where everyone is still dying from exposure to toxic waste, but at least Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine is there.
Janine, who is truly the SpongeBob of the colonies, still sees the good in the world and believes God has a plan for her and shit.
Janine: Aunt Lydia says God loves us all!
Me: Uh Aunt Lydia literally ripped your eye out and sent you to die in a toxic waste dump…
Serena And Offred Take A Walk
Cut to: Offred taking a shit.
You know, if I wanted to see this many bodily functions/fluids, I’d watch a Jackass movie. Thanks.
Offred sees blood in her underwear but, being that her brain has been broken, she just kind of cleans up and goes about her day. No tampon. No pad. Nada.
Me: Is Offred wearing Thinx?
Who would have guessed that a life of horrific stress followed by a fake hanging followed by a failed escape followed by being chained to a bed for several days may not have led to a healthy pregnancy?
SJ and Offred meet up for their daily walk, and Serena tries to bond with Offred the only surefire way two women who barely know each other can: by talking shit about some other chick they both know.
Serena: Lol OfZachary is so fucking ugly right?
Offred: Yes Mrs. Waterford.
Offred refuses to play ball with SJ’s shit talking and Serena gets very annoyed. This is the first time I’ve ever related to her in two seasons of this show. I hate when people won’t play ball with my shit talking. It’s rude.
Serena: Why won’t you talk shit with me, I want my baby to hear me talking shit.
Offred: Yes Mrs. Waterford.
Back At The Waterford’s
Much like my parents freshman year of high school, Nick and Serena meet up in the kitchen to quietly discuss whether or not Offred has lost her fucking mind.
Nick: Hey so I’m worried about Offred — you know, the handmaid your government kidnapped then you made me impregnate and then she ran away and then you re-kidnapped her — I feel like something’s off. Maybe we should get her a therapist?
SJ: Why are you so obsessed with her?
Me: Wtf there are THERAPISTS in GILEAD?
Serena Joy proves once again that she’s a bigger snake than Taylor Swift and immediately tells Mr. Waterford that Nick is concerned about Offred. This makes Mr. Waterford jealous because Mr. Waterford is a friendless little bitch.
Mr. Waterford and his micropenis then immediately run to his boss under the guise of getting Nick “promoted” out of the house.
Mr. Waterford: I think Nick deserves a promotion! Something that will get him out of the house…
Mr. Waterford’s Boss: Hmm…this doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that you’re a baby back bitch with no life, does it?
Luckily for Mr. Waterford (and sadly for literally everyone else) there is a plan B to this situation, and it true Handmaid’s fashion, it fucking sucks and nobody saw it coming.
Cut to: Offred bathing in her own miscarriage blood. That can’t be good for her vagina smell.
Once again, Offred just like, washes the blood off and goes about her day. What’s the plan here? Is there a plan here?
Rita: Offred are you okay? You look like you just had a miscarriage and bathed in it?
Offred: I’m good, actually.
Turns out everyone is getting ready to go to an event called “Prayvaganza” which sounds like something RuPaul would say but is, in fact, the Gilead version of Coachella.
Serena Joy: Get in loser, we’re going to Prayvaganza.
As expected, the Gilead version of Coachella is just like, a really long church service with sinister undertones.
Mr. Waterford’s Boss: And now for the main event…
Me: Omg is Beyoncé going to perform?
Mr. Waterford’s Boss: A WEDDING!!!
Turns out this whole thing is just an elaborate ruse to get Nick married off so he can’t do something annoying like suggest Offred should see a therapist again. This entire sequence is the creepiest thing Handmaid’s Tale has done all season and Offred just bathed in her own blood.
The only bright side here is that you know that somewhere deep down inside Offred, June the normal girl is still there because she still has the capacity to be jealous of her ex’s new gf.
Nick: *Unveils his new wife*
Offred: Whatever she’s not even cute…
The whole time this bizarre wedding is going down, I full expected Offred to stand up and sing all of Satisfied from Hamilton, but she doesn’t.
Instead, June just like, blinks herself back into being Offred and starts clapping. It’s the creepiest thing this show has done since the whole wedding ceremony two seconds ago.
Back To Bikini Bottom The Colonies
Janine proves my SpongeBob theory by proceeding to pick dandelions while they’re supposed to be digging up toxic sludge.
Emily (Squidward): Why tf do you believe in God?
Janine: *watches a person almost die right in front of her*
Idk I just do!
Turns out the woman who just almost died is in a relaysh with another woman there. I guess Hinge still works in the colonies. Good to know.
Cut to: Weird Sad Wedding #2, brought to you by Janine.
Weddings in the colonies are not much better than those in Gilead, but at least the people actually know/love each other. At least there’s that.
Janine (SpongeBob): W is for this wedding that I just planned
E is for everybody loves…God!
D is for dying but in a happy way because —
Emily (Plankton): What the living fuck are you doing?
Emily brings up some good points, namely that religion literally stole Janine’s eye, Emily’s clit, and “sold them off to be married like cows.”
Janine (an intellectual): Cows don’t get married…
Serena’s Sex Talk
Onto pt. 2 of Nick’s weird wedding, where everyone reads Bible verses in the dark. Awesome.
Finally get a real look at Nick’s new wife, and she is approximately 15-years-old. Great.
Serena: Who wants champagne?
Offred: *Says nothing*
Serena: AND NONE FOR OFFRED THE HANDMAID BYE!!!!
Offred is continuing to miscarry because that is what happens when women are denied agency over their bodies and access to comprehensive pre and post natal care.
Anyway, I’m just gonna leave this here:
Click Here To Donate To Planned Parenthood.
Next, SJ and Mrs. Nick get some much needed alone time.
Mrs. Nick: That’s for having me in your home, Mrs. Waterford.
Serena: Cut the shit do you know what sex is?
Meanwhile, Limp Dick Waterford and Nick are having a man-chat of their own.
Nick: By God’s grace I’ll have a child of my own…you know, other than the one your handmaid is currently pregnant with because we were in love and you’re shooting blanks.
Nick goes out to have a pre “I have to have sex with my child bride” cigg when he happens upon a horrific discovery: Offred, laying in the mud like she’s doing one of those intense ANTM challenges, apparently dead or like, almost dead.
Nick (screaming into the sky):
I miss the old Offred
Chop off her ear Offred
Gone half a year Offred
I hate the new Offred
Light as a feather Offred
“We’ve been sent good weather” Offred
Now we’re not together Offred
I miss when June was Offred
The “we’re not doomed” Offred
I gotta say, at that time I’d like to marry Offred
See, I impregnated Offred, and really liked Offred
And now I look around and there’s no baby Offred
I used to love Offred, I used to love Offred
I even had the hat with wings I thought I was Offred
What if Offred wrote a book about Offred
Called ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ by Offred
Man that’d be so Offred
That’s all it was, Offred
I still love Offred
And I love my new wife like Offred loves Offred
(Not at all)
Luckily, Offred is not dead, and surprisingly neither is her baby. How is that even possible? How did this baby survive? Most babies would not survive even one of the things Offred has been through, let alone the combination. Is this baby Harry Potter? I’m literally confused…
Offred realizes the baby is still alive and gives it a little pep-talk, which can only mean one thing…June is back, bitches!
Thank fucking God.
To keep it absolutely 100, this week’s episode of The Handmaid’s Tale was boring as fuck. Are you seriously going to follow up June chopping her own ear off and Emily murdering a random woman in the colonies with…Canada? Canada is literally the less interesting version of IRL America, and we’re not even a totalitarian religious patriarchy (yet). I was happy to see Moira and all, but her plot line is now a snooze-fest that not even some aggressive bathroom finger-banging can improve.
Also, this recap marks the switch from calling our leading lady “Offred” to “June” because like, feminism and shit.
At The Old Boston Globe
June is still chilling at the Boston Globe office, where journalists were rounded up and killed for doing their job. Luckily, this is all fiction and would never happen IRL and the relationship between the government and the press has never been better. (Note to readers: do not Google “White House Correspondent’s Dinner.”)
Anyway, June has gone full serial killer in her boredom, hanging up newspaper clippings for some sort of personal scrapbooking project she’s working on. Guess you gotta pass the hours somehow.
June during this scene:
Nick: You didn’t wake me up.
June: Because If I wake you up then you leave.
Me: Ugh June don’t be so clingy guys hate that.
The old timey sea captain from episode 2 returns to tell June it is time to GTFO.
June: Hold on one sec I left my makeup bag upstairs.
Old Timey Sea Captain: Looks like you’re gonna be rocking a natural look then.
Flashback To The Dark Women’s March
Here we get to see The Handmaid’s Tale’s version of the Women’s March, which takes place at night and instead of wearing pussy hats everyone throws the name of their rapist into a fire. Sounds fun.
June: My mom told me they were burning the name of their rapist.
Me: When I was your age my mom told me babies were made when a woman swallowed a watermelon seed.
Since being a sex slave for a patriarchal government, Moira has scored a sweet Canadian internship. Nice!
Moira: So let me show you to your –
Random Guy: — I watched my gay lovers hanged and had to clean their lifeless bodies.
Moira: Umm…therapy is down the hall.
Apparently there are trauma counselors available to all Gileadean (Gileadian? Gileadite?) refugees so I guess the Canadian healthcare system has not skipped a beat throughout all of this. Good to know.
Flashback To June’s Chill Mom
The main point of this episode is to let us know that June’s mom was a hardcore feminist activist who didn’t think June’s job as the editor of a website was cool enough. As the editor of a website let me just say: I did not like this episode.
June and her mom have a classic mother-daughter relationship. June wants her mom to lay off her back. June’s mom wants her daughter to wake up to the rise of religious totalitarianism in her country. Typical coming-of-age shit
June: Hey mom! I just got promoted!
June’s Mom: I just got rocks thrown at me while serving as an abortion escort. Nice blog tho.
June: So about my wedding
June’s Mom: What part of “the country is being taken over by a hyper-religious anti-woman fascist state” don’t you understand?
June’s Big Adventure
June is taken to another random location that was probably used for mass murder. Seriously, who is booking June’s Airbnbs? Nick?
June is sure putting a lot of trust in random men for a woman who was forced into being a Handmaid, just sayin’.
Random Man: Come with me, I’ll take to you to the airstrip now and then you’ll be in Canada faster than you can say “Degrassi Next Generation.”
June: Amazing can’t wai —
Random Man: Lol jk the safe house was compromised.
Rather than being left alone at her nightmare loft, June throws herself in front of Random Man’s car, demanding he take her with him. Can you blame her?
Random Man’s House
Random Man’s Wife As Soon As He Gets Home:
So this is what life is like for normals (apparently called “Econopeople”) in Gilead. TBH, I didn’t realize there were just like, regular people in this world. Especially regular people with kids. June alludes to the fact that this is the life she would have lived if she hadn’t been deemed a sinner and I need like 150% more information about this family and their weird lives before I am satisfied.
The only thing we know for sure about the norms: everyone wears grey, and church is 10 hours long.
Random Man’s Wife: I would rather die than be a sex slave and give up my baby.
June: What part of “sex slave” don’t you understand?
June is left alone while the fam is at church, and she takes the opportunity to fuck with all their stuff. They don’t show her taking a shower and using all of Random Man’s Wife’s expensive hair and skincare products, but you know she totally did.
June To The Strangers’ House:
During her snooping, June finds the family’s hidden Quran and prayer mat, which she promptly lays out and uses like she’s a babysitter taking advantage of the family’s string cheese supply.
June: How could they not be back by now? This is so rude!
Me: Uhh you just sat on their prayer mat for funsies.
Flashback To Aunt Lydia Doing A Powerpoint About Global Warming
So we finally found the one thing that Gilead is low-key right about, and that’s global warming. I guess once a country has finally subjugated all the women in it’s population, they can finally focus on environmental regulations. Nobody tell them Mother Earth is a woman.
June During Most Of The Powerpoint:
June sees her mom on the powerpoint and realizes she’s has been sent to the colonies. Then she starts crying in class like she’s me sophomore year or something.
Me During This Scene/The Whole Episode:
I’m gonna go ahead and predict right now that June’s mom is still alive in the colonies where she runs an underground women’s college/lesbian abortion clinic for former handmaids.
June On The Loose
June decides her new buds are taking too long because they might have been kidnaped or whatever, and decides to grab her map, her backpack, her trusty pal boots and – oh shit sorry that’s Dora the Explorer. My b.
June does have a map tho…
June On Her Way To The Airstrip:
Ya girl throws on some ugly ass clothes, leaves the house, and within 2 second she is through an entire corn maze and back at the exact spot where she lost her daughter years ago and then to the airstrip where she will get safe passage to Canada.
Me watching this go down:
Meanwhile, In Canada
Moira is working through some of her past trauma by fingering random ladies in the bathroom of a bar.
Now we see Moira’s true and terrible fate: while she can give amazing orgasms, she is not yet ready to receive them.
Moira lies about her name to her freshly fingered friend because she’s just cold like that. Then she goes home to her new weird Canadian family which consists of herself, Luke, and Erin, a mute woman we all vaguely remember from season 1 who Luke saved from Gilead.
Erin (speaking for the first time maybe?): Blessed be the Fruit Loops
June’s Red Eye To Canada
June gets through security and makes it to her flight and she is finally saved! Hooray! June and her baby are on their way to Canada and everything is fine and there is no more Handmaid’s Tale. Whew. I, for one, was exhausted. Can’t wait for the finale next week where June, Luke, and their new baby create a happy and healthy life in Little America!
Lol Jk their plane is shot out of the sky and June is pulled out of the plane by a government agent. Gotcha bitch.
TBH, Hulu really dragged out this very long “escape” that we knew wasn’t really gonna happen. Underwhelming.
The good people at Hulu hit us with a double-dose of Handmaid’s Tale this week and, tbh, I think I speak for everyone when I say that I am drained, I am scarred, and I am literally dying to see episode three. This week, the writers of Handmaid’s Tale seek to answer the age-old question: what’s worse than living in Gilead as a sex slave? The answer: living in the colonies as a former sex slave.
Good to know.
Offred’s Escape Room
Before we get into anything colony related, we have to check in with our girl Offred at her Airbnb provided by Mayday, the mysterious rebel group that, tbh, should probably step up its rebelling game. Shit is getting serious.
Offred: Gilead is inside you — like the spirit of the Lord, or the commander’s cock, or cancer.
Offred is escorted to her new hiding place by a man who, based on his speech pattern, is some sort of old timey sea captain and/or pirate.
Offred: What’s next?
Old Man: YE BEST START BELIEVIN’ IN GHOST STORIES, MISS OFFRED, CUZ YER IN ONE
Offred After She’s Left Alone In The Warehouse: Wait! You never told me the wifi password!
Sidenote/poll: Should we be calling Offred June now? Am I participating in Offred’s continued oppression by not calling her June? Am I overthinking this given the fact that Offred is, like, not a real person? LMK…
The Motherfuckin’ Colonies
Time to see what Rory Gilmore – I mean Ofglen – I mean Emily – is up to.
Didn’t realize that cleaning up toxic sludge in what used to be rural Wisconsin could actually be worse than what I’d imagined, but here we are.
Everybody in the colonies has terrible skin. Like, really bad. I guess they don’t have face masks in the colonies, further underscoring how terrible a place it must be.
Flashback To Professor Ofglen
Professor Ofglen: Class, I want you to smell yourselves! Smell your armpits for science!
*Students all open their laptops and collectively drop her class*
Student: Professor Ofglen, do men get less sexist as you get older?
Ofglen’s Boss: Hey girl, amazing news! You’re not teaching anymore.
Professor Ofglen: ….where was the good news there?
We can all smell the homophobia from, like, a mile away here, but it takes Ofglen’s boss a hot sec to get to it. Finally, he spits it out:
Ofglen’s Boss: You have a pic of your wife on your phone, and the board thinks that creates a hostile learning environment.
Me: Wait til you hear about how she made her students smell themselves.
Ofglen’s boss tries to convince her that this isn’t a demotion, it’s actually an opportunity. An opportunity to not have her job anymore.
Then we find out that Ofglen’s boss is ALSO GAY because the Handmaid’s Tale is full of surprises.
Back To The Colonies
Cut to: obligatory scene of people getting tased. Based on how much taser use there’s been in season 2 so far, I think it is safe to say that tasers are one of Gilead’s main exports.
The colonies are basically every office during flu season: everybody is sick, but still working. This collective illness either comes from cleaning up toxic waste all day, or from being in the Midwest. There’s really no way to know.
Me: Honestly, the colonies are bad, but they don’t seem that bad. Like I bet I could rock it
*Woman rips off her own fingernail*
Damn you, Handmaid’s Tale. Just like a guy who’s bad at texting but smells good, you make me feel terrible and yet I keep coming back.
Back To Offred’s Escape Room
Cut to: Offred crying alone in her room like she’s me when I experience a minor inconvenience or something.
Nick: Offred, what happened?
Offred: I mean, are you talking about just now, or throughout my entire life?
Offred is pissed because she realized her new sublet used to be a slaughterhouse where many innocent people were either shot or hanged. This is why I always Google an address before moving in.
Nick: Yeah, so I get you don’t like it here, but you have to stay.
Cut to: Montage of Nick and Offred aggressively fucking in every position imaginable, all over the abandoned slaughterhouse, to the point of exhaustion.
You know what they say, handmaid in the streets, freak in the sheets.
Marisa And Rory Become BFF
So the colonies are basically the movie Holes with more toxic waste and less Shia LaBeouf. Got it.
Ofglen decides to make nice with social outcast Marisa Tomei. Most women there were handmaids, so they’re not suuuuper into bringing one of the wives into their friend group. Makes sense.
Marisa Tomei: Before the war I had an MFA in interior design!
Ofglen: Yeah cool I was a fucking scientist.
Marisa wastes no time revealing that, in addition to being a hyper-religious oppressor who aided in the state-sponsored violation of women, she’s also really fucking annoying and asks the same questions over and over again. Noted.
Flashback To Professor Ofglen’s Last Day At Work
Ofglen: Wow! Can’t wait to get to work and show this world that I’m not afraid! Nobody can scare me into not tea – OH MY GOD THEY HANGED MY FRIEND FOR BEING GAY.
A world where you can’t even be gay in college? No. Fucking. Thanks.
Ofglen’s wife has the good fortune of being Canadian, so they’re allowed to leave the country.
Immigration Police to Ofglen’s Wife & Child:
Immigration Police to Ofglen:
Me after watching this scene:
Murder In Murdertown
Ofglen stumbles upon Marisa Tomei, who appears to be suffering from a wicked hangover.
Marisa Tomei: Ugh, I drank too much last night.
Ofglen: Nah bitch, I poisoned you.
Turns out, Ofglen was never intending to be BFF with Marisa Tomei. She just wanted to trick her into eating poison. Put that down in the fake friendship hall of fame.
Me: Seems a little intense to poison this lady just because she was a wife….
Ofglen: You held a woman down every month while your husband raped her.
Then, who pulls up out of nowhere but Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine! Omg! Reunion! Ofglen and Janine hug for a quick sec (hugging is obviously not allowed in the colonies) before Janine is rushed away.
Ofglen and Janine:
Cut To: Offred Watching Friends?
In another very rude attempt to make us all feel like The Handmaid’s Tale is real, the final scene of this episode begins with Ofglen watching Friends reruns on her boyfriend’s iPad.
Hey Handmaid’s Tale, next time you want to use scenes from my own life, @ me, okay?
On the bright side, at least Offred finally got that wifi password.
Turns out the warehouse she’s been staying in is the old headquarters of the Boston Globe, and it’s littered with leftover belongings from the people who worked there.
Like Offred, I also wonder wtf happened to the woman who left behind a single beige kitten heel. Guess we’ll never know.
Offred holds a little vigil, either for the people who died in the slaughterhouse, or for my sense of emotional wellbeing after getting through this episode. Could really be either…
Images: Giphy (11); Hulu (1)
Missed last week’s recap? Catch it right fucking here.
Well this week’s episode of Riverdale was about as riveting as watching paint dry. Thanks for that, CW. I’m only a loyal viewer who tunes in week after week in the hopes that Jughead and Betty will do it I get to see more drama than when Kayla in marketing realizes someone ate her yogurt in the fridge EVEN THOUGH IT HAS HER NAME WRITTEN RIGHT THERE, PEOPLE. But by all means, produce a garbage episode in which the most exciting thing that happens is I get to see a flash of Archie’s nipple. K. Shall we dive into the episode then?
I love how Veronica just gets to sit in on mayoral meetings and shady business dealings now and none of the other parents present even seem the least bit concerned by this. They’re all gathered around talking about town politics and Veronica is just like “may I chime in?” And it’s like, yes, if they wanted advice on how to dissect a fuckboy’s texts then maybe they’d ask for you to “chime in” here, but in the meantime go back to homeroom, Veronica.
Cut to the Coopers who are just trying to have nice pancake breakfast while Chic tells them all about the prostitution ring he’s a part of. Their reaction is similar to when my parents heard/saw photographic evidence of what my sorority mixers were actually like in college, but that’s neither here nor there.
Also, let’s talk about the name Chic for a second please. Honey. Baby. Sweetie. You don’t have to keep the name the Johns give you in real life. Just go by Charlie.
So, what do we think Jughead researching his “oral history” with Toni really means? Cause I highly doubt it involves grandpas or history like they keep trying to emphasize.
Archie decides to join the wrestling team to impress Hiram Lodge because he finds Hiram v intimidating. Isn’t it odd that Hiram and Lodge Industries are supposed to be this big bad business, but it’s actually just one little former soap opera star sitting behind a big desk rubbing his hands together and giggling?
I mean, the whole wrestling plan does seem a bit far-fetched since Hiram isn’t a six year old, but I am totally on board for Archie speaking minimally and only wearing a tight spandex onesie for an entire episode. I’m glad The CW finally understands how to play to his character strengths.
Meanwhile, Kevin casually remembers that Chic is a video gigolo, which I guess means he discovered the internet and realized he didn’t have to troll for dudes in the forest anymore? Progress. Also, why is Betty acting like Chic’s career as a man of the evening is so fucking surprising? Like, didn’t he tell her when she found him with a video camera in a seedy motel room that his line of work was “wish fulfillment?” What did you think he meant by that, Betty? Because I was thinking he meant those wishes involved other dudes’ dicks.
Okay why are only half the guys at this tryout wearing a singlet? And why is it only the hot ones with speaking parts? What kind of subliminal messaging are you trying to force upon me, CW??
— Riverdale (@CW_Riverdale) January 25, 2018
KEVIN: Archie has the physique of a 1970s porn star, but he can’t wrestle for shit.
God bless you, Kevin, and your one liners.
Ugh why are the only scenes that include Jughead and Betty anymore about them talking about genocide? I mean, is it horrible that the Blossoms massacred the Serpents in Training Ukenta back in the day? Yes. But is it equally horrible that I haven’t seen Jughead dry hump on a kitchen counter since last season? Also yes! Why doesn’t the CW want me to have nice things?
HAHA listening to Hiram emasculate Archie in front of Veronica is everything. Also, is it just me, or was there a strong subtext of impotence happening throughout that entire scene?
HIRAM: The thought of you two in her bedroom alone used to make me nervous but now that I’ve seen how you *perform* under pressure I’m not nervous anymore.
The longer Toni hangs out in this town the more I’m into her. Jughead is like, trying to publish an entry in his burn book write an exposé on the injustices behind the Pickens Day celebrations. He shows it to Toni and she’s like “isn’t this a little bit… dramatic?” And it’s like, YES GIRL, it’s pettier than my college group chat.
Why is Betty talking to her brother about the “darkness in her?” Is she referring to the Dark Betty wig thing? Or the public pole dancing thing? And why is this whole conversation giving me weird sib-cest vibes?
BETTY: There’s a darkness inside me, Chic. Do you want me to show you?
We’re three seconds into Hiram privately coaching Archie and I already have a feeling this will turn into a deleted scene of Training Day v soon. Also, I have no idea why Archie’s trying so hard to impress Veronica’s dad. It’s clear she could give a shit what Hiram thinks, and also Archie has banged his daughter on every surface of that apartment so it’s not like Hiram actually has a leg to stand on here.
Okay this Chuck vs. Archie wrestling scene is actually super hot more homoerotic than Archie’s Red Hood videos.
Pickens Day is finally here and Hal is making a fucking scene about Chic being there. He’s like, “do you know what this guy does with his clients??” And it’s like yes, I understand what wish fulfillment means, unlike the rest of you morons.
Also, Hal’s totally not Chic’s dad. If that “you know why he can’t stay here” comment means anything it’s that Alice was a hoe stepped out on him.
Wait, did Mrs. Blossom just proposition Hal? 3.5 seconds after he gave that high and mighty speech about not standing for prostitutes living under his roof? And is he accepting?? The hypocrisy of white middle aged men knows no bounds.
The Serpents crash the parade with a protest but Hiram shuts that shit down immediately. Tbh he really missed his calling in life because he would have done great things as a chapter president of a sorority. Great. Things.
Did Betty just ask her brother to help her become a cam girl?? DID SHE? Betty, I know you’ve had a strange childhood but that shit isn’t acceptable. There are things you can do with your siblings but one of those things is not starting an internet porn career. Alice, get your house in order!
Hiram offers Archie a position at his company because what’s one more 16-year-old on the company payroll, amiright?
The episode ends with the beheading… of a statue. That’s the big dramatic moment The CW decided was worth ending an episode on: a headless statue. *takes deep, calming breaths* All I have to say is, next week I better see some actual fucking entertainment happening or I will bitch to no one but my TV screen NOT be pleased. CW, you’ve been warned…
Images: The CW
Hello and welcome to the final episode of season six of Are You The One?—the show that you’re too ashamed to admit you watch but also gives you pride about your current life. I cannot tell you the confidence I have gained since watching all my peers fumble around on this shit show. My skin is clearing up, my teeth are whitening, and my boobs grew a little bit. Thanks, MTV!
But in all seriousness, I have suffered through this shit for the last 11 weeks, and this cast is beginning to feel like an ingrown hair on the taint of reality television. Everyone wants them off and they make it uncomfortable.
AFTER THE MATCH-UP
After getting five beams on week nine, they’re like, “Maybe we’re playing this wrong?” Idk, the whole “not winning” thing is really indicating something. Ethan, with an optimism that only a white rapper can have, tells everyone that they can still win. Keith and Ethan continue to try and reassure the house, but much like the country in 2017, everyone is pretty ready to accept the L.
KEITH TO THE HOUSE: This is part of my plan.
NARRATOR: This was not a part of his plan.
All the castmates run up, and truly I think the challenges are the only time these girls wear bras.
The boys and the girls have to nominate a boy and a girl to be picked. The boy and girl chosen can’t go into the truth booth together, so they pick Dimetri and Keyana, hoping that someone
can look into their hearts can try to like these people.
The guys have to guess how they think Keyana would guess at questions and vice-versa. Last person standing goes on a date.
Michael guesses Keyana’s dumbass answer wrong, and she starts crying. She’s like, “Am I fucking this up?” and it’s like, well, kind of sweetie.
They are depending on DD and Dimetri, which means they are holdin’ onto nothin’ here.
Malcolm wins the date with Keyana, while Jada wins the date with Dimetri. This is amazing because Jada fucking hates Dimetri, and I support it. That man child really needs a new name. I don’t think I have spelled it right this whole season. Oh well.
Meanwhile, Alexis and Keith are talking about their future together. Alexis is really looking forward to those weekly conjugal visits Keith will get, ya know, once she goes to jail for fucking stabbing him in his sleep.
Everyone in the house is like, “Okay, so if Keith is the leader, why is he still dating his no match?” Omg Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re hypocritical!
Dimetri is like, “When I heard we were going on an airboat I thought it was a flying boat.” Okay, who dropped you as a child? For real.
Jada is about three seconds away from feeding Dimetri’s boney ass to the alligators, and Keyana and Malcolm are like, “Oh wow, they are so in love.” One of these people in the house is on a fast track to marrying a serial killer, I swear.
THE TRUTH BOOTH
The whole house is like, “Hate can turn into love,” and it’s like, when has that ever actually happened, bedsides in early 2000’s Sandra Bullock movies? Of course, by that logic, they put Jada and Dimetri in the Truth Booth.
Of course, Jada and Dimetri get a no match, and I swear they start fist pumping.
They come back to the house, and everyone is like, “It’s so crazy that didn’t work!” They decide to use “their brains and their hearts”—ya know, the two body parts that they never utilize—to figure out who their matches are.
They are literally just running around and sitting with old matches and introducing themselves to people they have known for two and a half months. This is like, the weirdest sorority recruitment ever.
ZOE: What I never knew about Ethan in the three months of living here is that he is actually a person who exists. He could for sure be my match.
Keith tells all the children that they can disperse and hang out with their matches, but if they’re not home practicing matches in 30 minutes, they are grounded!
Of course, these rules don’t apply to Keith, because he’s a good Republican boy, and he goes to hang out with Zoe, not Jada. Alexis sees this and is like, “He is supposed to be with Jada, for the good of the house!!!!!” Ah, yes. Alexis the martyr. It has nothing to do with the fact that Keith is low-key into Zoe.
Alexis is like, “Okay, if you’re going to talk to Zoe, I’m going to go suck Michael’s dick.” Don’t call her a hero.
Straight out of the porn movies that raised her, Alexis pours a beer down her shirt, and Michael shoves his face in her chest. They start aggressively making out, while Keith is like, “Alexis, where is my beer?” If this doesn’t feel like a glimpse into their future, idk what does.
KEITH: Ma! The meatloaf! I never know what she’s doing back there.
Alexis comes out like, straight-up in a bra, and Keith is like, “Why are you dressed like more of a ho than usual?” Alexis tries to lie and fails at that faster than she failed out of middle school.
Eventually, Alexis admits that Michael kissed her and “it wasn’t a big deal.” Keith is like, “No big deal? This is
the fertility vase of the Ndebele Tribe my heart! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
In a drunken rage, Keith goes into the bedroom, takes Alexis’ childhood toy, Bridget, and THROWS IT IN THE FUCKING FIRE. YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Destroying childhood memorabilia is a level of petty I aspire to reach.
All the girls are like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING,” and Keith explains about how Alexis made out with Michael. Alexis starts flipping out and burning his shoes, and suddenly, everyones’ belongings are being thrown in the pool/fire. Damn, you can take these two out of the double wide, but you can’t take the double wide out of their hearts.
ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ALEXIS AND KEITH:
JADA: White people are fucking crazy.
THE FINAL MATCH-UP
Finally, time to wrap this shit up. It’s the girl’s pick tonight, so if they get this right tonight, it’s like, in the name feminism, obviously.
Geles is first, and she has a tough pick, because she is torn between Clinton and Ethan—the guy she wants to bone and the guy that instantly makes her want to vomit. Maybe she’s trying to see beyond their looks, but her eyelashes have prevented her from looking at pretty much anything.
Eventually, she and her eyelashes pick Clinton.
Audrey picks the Shad. She’s like, “I need to stop looking for Prince Charming and focus on what’s in front of me.” Yeah, I don’t see a dude named “The Shad” being your white knight anytime soon.
SHAD: I can call my dick Excalibur, if that’s what you’re into.
Zoe picks Ethan. He’s like, “I CAN’T BELIEVE I DATED THIS GIRL.” Oh, sweet boy. The real world will crush you like a bug.
Alexis is up, and she’s like, “Terrence, do you know Bridget? My stuffed animal? You know, the one I sleep with every night? Do you know her?” TJ is like, “No bitch, but you need to get to know a therapist.”
She tells him about how Keith burned it in the fire, and TJ is like, “Please God, tell me you can’t procreate.”
Alexis is like, “If we lose, it’s my fault,” and Michael’s like, “Yup, not me! All you! Fuckin’ girls, so crazy! AmIRiggggght?”
Alexis picks Anthony. WTFFFFF. Everyone is like, “You guys know each other?” Alexis is like, “Sure, I love Anthony! I blame all of his family for taking our jobs. We really vibe.”
Keyana picks Michael.
Terrence is like, “Do you think you’re a player?” and Michael’s like, “Well, I bottle up my emotions.” Damn Michael, are you a street that I hate driving on? Because that was a fucking roundabout, if I’ve ever seen one.
TJ: Michael, do you think the sky is blue?
MICHAEL: Well, I think colors make up the rainbow.
Michael apologizes to Keyana for being an asshole, and she’s like, “K, whatever dude.” Who would have thought by the end of this we would all be rooting for Keyana?
Nurys picks Dimitri, because no one else will.
Alivia picks Malcolm, because if you can’t settle for worst, always go for the second worst.
DD picks Kareem, because they have so much in common! I mean, did you see how they both put one foot in front of the other? Amazing.
Joe picks Uche, based on their mutual hate of religion. Same.
Keith and Jada are last. TJ asks Keith about Alexis, and he starts crying because Alexis hurt his wittle feelings. Jada is like, “No offense, but Alexis is trash, and I’m a good person.” #tru
Overall, there are a lot of crazy matches here, so I’m pretty skeptical. But if there is anyone who can make up for last year’s failure, it’s
MTV’s producers season six!
Beams start to roll in, and they finally get six, which they have never gotten before.
It keeps going, and holy fucking shit, THEY WIN. I haven’t felt this miserable about a win since November 2016.
Of all the injustices in the world, this may be the biggest. They did not deserve to win—literally Keyana deserved all that money.
Whatever, they can all officially pay off their community college bills and become moderate Instagram stars like they always planned.
I guess there is a two-part reunion, too. Because Alexis has more belongings that Keith didn’t get a chance to light on fire, so obvi we have to come back.
Well fam, we’re here. We made it to Wednesday and, consequently, to another episode of Riverdale. Last week was a fucking snoozefest, and I, for one, am ready to see Cheryl burn some shit to the ground again. Like, enough with The Black Hood bullshit; let’s get back to the storylines that are actually interesting, like ordering hits on would-be date rapists and outing mothers for their slutty high school years as Serpent gang members. Is that too much to ask for, CW? IS IT??
The episode opens with Jughead acting petty AF in a Southside bar. Instead of embracing the fact that he’s underage in a bar that clearly doesn’t give a shit about fake I.D.s or personal hygiene, he’s talking shit about Archie in his diary. See, this right here is what’s wrong with hipster kids these days.
I do love when they start episodes by throwing shade at Archie, though.
JUGHEAD: With the grim reaper looming over our heads, Archie and Veronica coped by banging all over town with carnal defiance.
Oh, so that’s what we’re calling it these days?
We then get to see a montage of these two fucking all over Riverdale, including on the bearskin rug of Veronica’s living room. When I was in high school, the classiest place I could find some alone time with my boyfriend was his backseat in the parking lot of a Sonic, but okay.
^^I’m sorry, is this rehearsal for their sex tape or just how they say, “Good morning,” before first period? Honestly, it’s v hard to tell the difference.
Archie throws out an “I love you” to Veronica after sex, and he’s not even drunk. How embarrassing for him.
Elsewhere, Jughead and Betty are also exercising their…
carnal defiance detective skills. *sighs* Just once I’d like to see these two actually work out their sexual tension instead of emotionally masturbating to gruesome crime photos. JUST ONCE.
Jughead’s dad is getting released from prison, and I am thrilled by this development. I would shout-write, “Daddy is home,” but I’m pretty sure I’ve done that the last three recaps, and by now, everyone knows where I stand on FP’s DILF status. But also, like, DADDY IS HOMEEEE.
I’m not even going to spend time talking about this whole Cheryl/Josie lesbian locker room scene except to say that the best line of this whole damn episode came out of it.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: “Take your male gaze and your male privilege and get out of the women’s locker room.”
Cheryl Blossom, we don’t deserve you.
Okay, Veronica is freaking the fuck out over this whole “I love you” thing, which seems weird to me because I always pegged her as the type of girl who blackmails her boyfriends into saying the L word first. Weird.
ARCHIE: I love you, V.
VERONICA: I love… your body?
At least she’s honest.
Jughead, Betty, and Alice Cooper go to pick up FP from prison, and is it just me or is there way too much sexual chemistry happening between their parents rn? Alice keeps asking FP if his muffin is buttered and would he like her to assign someone to butter his muffin?
Meanwhile, their kids—who are dating each other—are just like, “Parents, what can you do with them??” *throws up hands emoji* Well, you can certainly ask them to stop eye-banging each other in front of the county jail. Just for starters.
Veronica and Archie start interrogating Sheriff Keller about his cold case files. Veronica is just like, “I noticed there were some missing files,” but, like, who told you this?? Who keeps giving classified police files to someone who just graduated from a learner’s permit to a full-on license?
The look on Sheriff Keller’s face rn is saying he would personally hand all of these kids over to The Black Hood if they would just gtfo of his personal business. Amen, pal. Amen.
FP says he’s quitting the Serpents, and he wants Jughead to do the same. Jughead admits that he actually likes being in the
Plastics gang, and their new member T-shirts and leather jackets aren’t half bad either. It’s true; they’re v Instagrammable, so I don’t blame him.
FP keeps talking about how he wanted college for Jughead, not the thug life.
FP: Well, at least keep writing then. It’s not like you need an actual degree for that.
ME: *takes introspective look at self and resume*
Betty keeps talking about wanting to be “Serpent adjacent” and how she wants to fit in with Jughead’s world. Apparently, “fitting in” involves some sort of sexist pole dance. These club members sound like real gems, ladies!
Elsewhere, Penny Peabody threatens Jughead with Betty. Jughead seems v surprised that a woman people refer to as “the snake charmer” might actually be deceitful. Clearly he’s been hanging out with Archie for too long.
Since Betty is busy trying to trap a man, she asks Varchie to go back to that godforsaken house The Hood sent her to. Officially, they’re there to “look for clues,” but I wouldn’t be surprised if the two of them started banging on the floor of an old crime scene just to avoid talking about the whole “I love you” thing. Or really, to avoid talking in general. I get the sense that that’s not their strong suit.
They find a box of important files with case-cracking information in it. It was just lying in the middle of the floor, because if I were a murderer, I’d leave incriminating files in plain sight too. Fucking amateurs.
Okay, FP and Alice Cooper 100 percent banged back in the day. FP is all, “Come to my retirement party, Alice,” and, “Ditch your husband, it’ll be our little secret, Alice.” I’m picking up what you’re putting down, FP.
Also, calling it now, there’s def an illegitimate kid those two share. That prom baby Alice had? 100000 percent FP’s. CALLING IT NOW.
So is, like, every teacher in the Riverdale school district hiding shit? First Mrs. Grundy, then The Sugarman/English teacher, and now this creepy AF janitor? Like, who is the school superintendent here? Roy Moore?
Also, I love that these high school kids can just interrogate grown-ass people, and these adults just let them! Like, sir, you survived a horrible childhood trauma. Don’t let this ginger whose signature look involves crazy eyebrows and a cardigan intimidate you. You’re better than this.
As it turns out, the janitor is not actually The Black Hood, and he thinks The Reaper was killed by a bunch of vigilantes back in the day. Color me shocked that Troy Bolton and his flavor of the month didn’t get all their facts straight first.
Why does the Whyte Wyrm look like a dive bar in Bushwick, but with a stripper pole? And why is Toni Topaz, a high school sophomore, manning the bar? Why are there no rules in this town?
Okay, Alice Cooper showing up dressed like its her sorority’s biker bash themed mixer is everything.
YO. The shade Archie is throwing Veronica rn for not being able to say, “I love you,” back to him is next level. Honestly, so inspiring.
ARCHIE: I picked out a duet for us to sing together. It’s that song you love. Or at least strongly like, since apparently you can’t say, “I love you.”
Wowwww. Every second of that scene was petty AF. I’ve never been more proud of you, Archie Andrews.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Did Betty just start stripping while singing karaoke?? At a party her mother is chaperoning?? WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.
Oh my fucking god, she’s dancing on the pole now. DANCING. ON. THE. POLE. It’s like watching
a train wreck Ariel Winter’s Instagram stories. I can’t look away.
Everyone is looking at Betty like she didn’t just spend the last few days choreographing this dance with Toni off-screen.
EVERYONE: *amazed, awed, truly inspired*
FP is acting like it’s v casual to find a 15-year-old gyrating on a pole in his fave bar. Dude, if this is your normal, then I’m calling the police.
So is Betty just going to walk around the rest of the night in just that lingerie and a leather jacket? Bitch, it’s not even Halloween. PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON.
FP can’t quit the Serpents because he’s taking over Jughead’s debt to Penny Peabody, and he is PISSED. He’s looking at Jughead like he wants to call him a dipshit in front of the entire bar, and I’ve never been more turned on in my life.
And just like that, The CW
takes away my will to live breaks up every fucking couple on this show. Great, so now that I’m feeling emotionally devastated, should I drunk dial my ex and really make this night special?
Okay, no, no, NO. This is not happening right now. Why is Archie looking at Betty like
he wants to send her an unwanted dick pic he’s into her? You just told Veronica you loved her, like, three seconds ago!
JUGHEAD: *narrates* And he looked at the girl next door like it was the very first time he was seeing her.
Yeah, or like, he just saw her
work through her daddy issues do a strip tease in front of an entire bar. Either/or.
Whatever. If you need me, I’ll just be
screaming into the void aggressively tweeting at the writers of Riverdale. Byeeeee.