How are we feeling, Handmaid-heads? This week’s recap is rated NC-17 so please don’t read it out loud to your kids! Considering how much of this week’s plot revolved around semen, it’s really the best I could do. We begin with just a snippet of Symphony Number 9 by Beethoven (deep cut) before we go straight to June, limping her way back to Commander Zaddy’s house with Aunt Lydia. Apparently Lydia’s plan to move June out of the Lawrence house from two episodes ago is no longer a thing.
Lydia: You’re a good girl, OfJoseph.
Me: Didn’t you and all the other aunts just do a roundtable shit talking sesh of her? Two-faced bitches…
Turns out the Lawrences have redecorated to “D.C. standards” according to “Commander Waterford’s proclamation.” Now the Waterfords aren’t only rich family in Gilead that can’t bring themselves to buy a f*cking lamp.
In the kitchen, June catches up with Beth the Martha, who tells her that the delicious basket of scones on the table are actually a message from the #Resistance telling her they can’t get any more meds for Madame Zaddy, whose mental illness has been getting worse. This is why we take our meds, people.
Martha Beth: Scones mean no.
Me: Aaaaand I know what my new tattoo is going to say!
June wastes no time letting everybody know about her plan to free all the children in Gilead. Apparently she’s completely cured of the insanity she displayed the past two episodes, and nobody is going to bring it up again, just like the time I lost my sh*t during Spring Break and had to leave Cabo early. Oops.
June: I’m going to free all the children!
Finally Commander Zaddy/Lawrence appears, looking all conflicted.
June: You know you could free your wife and take her to Canada where she could get help.
Lawrence: Okay well you’ve been home for less than five minutes, so why don’t you chill?
At the Grocery Store AKA The Den of the Resistance
June heads over to the juice aisle, which is basically a freedom fighters’ bunker at this point, to tell OfRobert about her amazing plan to free all the children.
OfRobert: I can’t talk to you. They’re watching us. And you’re really conspicuous.
Finally, somebody tells her.
The handmaids are then all ushered to a stadium that is conveniently attached to the grocery store for an “inspection” by none other than Fred Waterford, the human embodiment of the word “ugh”. He has taken his micropenis compensation tour to DC, where he’s doing fabulously. He arrives and starts bothering June immediately, like an ex who texts you “merry Christmas” after not seeing him for seven months.
Fred is joined by Commander Winslow (or, as he is known in the comment section, Commander Stabler) and Serena Joy, who opts not to mention the fact that last time she and June hung out, June tried to stab her with a tiny knife. Tactful.
Stabler immediately starts going in on all the handmaids and points out Janine’s new velvet eyepatch as not “regulation.”
Me/Aunt Lydia’s Inner Monologue: YOU KEEP JANINE’S NAME OUT YOUR MOUTH BITCH!!!!!
Commander Winslow then turns to June to ask her how she’s liking living with Commander Lawrence, to which she replies that he “treats her with respect.”
Back at Commander Zaddy’s
June has been free for 48 hours and wastes no time breaking into offices to steal important documents. She’s in Commander Lawrence’s office, which is literally full of books. Stacks and stacks of books—Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, The Other Boleyn Girl—he’s got ‘em all. Just as she’s about to give up her search, June finds a valuable ally in Madame Zaddy, who can probably still smell June’s crazy and sees her as a kindred spirit. Despite all the sh*t everyone has been talking about her, Mrs. Lawrence seems pretty with it and cool at this moment. Maybe the best medicine for her illness is…collusion!??!
Luckily for June who, in case you forgot, is going to free all of the children, her commander keeps files on all the children born to handmaids in Gilead conveniently located in his basement.
June gets the documents and immediately turns to her own file, which is kind of like when you look at your own Insta page to try and see how it looks through someone else’s eyes. (We all do this, right??)
June: Have you ever considered leaving Gilead?
Madame Z: You mean go somewhere where I could get mood stabilizers instead of herbal tea?
Honestly are we even sure that Madame Zaddy is crazy? Or is she just another woman who has fallen victim to that label when really she’s just having normal emotional reactions to the intensity of her surroundings? **exhales large puff of marijuana smoke**
Sadly, MZ explains can’t just leave because her husband is a “war criminal” who “invented the colonies” and is “responsible for unspeakable torture and death.” Don’t ya just hate when that happens?
Anyway, this scene ends with MZ finding a mysterious looking special box and bouncing back upstairs.
At the Waterfords’ Hotel
Back at their hotel, Fred is clearly jealous that June has found a new commander who is cool and not a rapist. As most insecure people do, he then immediately starts talking sh*t on Lawrence to Winslow, dragging him for not getting any of his handmaids pregnant. As we know, Fred is just projecting here because he knows deep in his soul that he is the one who is shooting blanks and he couldn’t get a handmaid pregnant if he came in her brain. (I told you this was rated NC-17.)
Then Fred and Winslow start speaking cryptically about a way to “ensure virility” in the Lawrence household and Serena Joy is like, “Uh…isn’t that a little extreme?” The last time something like this happened, Fred assaulted June into going into labor, so I think we can all tell immediately that whatever the f*ck this is, it’s not going to be good.
June gets called in from looking up where all her friend’s children are (Janine’s son is dead, btw) by a very freaked-out looking Martha who tells her “they need you in the sitting room.”
It’s immediately clear that things are set up for Ceremony, which makes me realize we haven’t seen a Ceremony at all since last season. Not that I’m complaining.
Fred, Serena, Winslow, and Aunt Lydia all show up and we realize that apparently tonight’s ceremony is also a group date. I’m immediately like, okay so where is this going exactly? Are they gonna watch them do it? Are they gonna put them into bed and then check the sheets like in Shakespearean times? Will Aunt Lydia sub in and give Lawrence a hand job?
Eventually we find out that while they are not going to actually watch the Ceremony go down (good), they are going to have a doctor immediately “examine” June to make sure she has man seed inside her. For religious folk, these Gileadens really are freaks.
For his part, Commander Lawrence is extremely not into what is happening and immediately tries to find a way to get out of it. So was I, as I was watching it. Suddenly I’m over here thinking that maybe he could finish in his own hand and then give it to her somehow and then she would—you know what, I’m not even going to finish this.
Sadly, there is no way out and it is June herself who has to tell Commander and Madame Z that they’re just gonna have to f*ck now. MZ does not love this idea, which again, isn’t really all that crazy and is a pretty appropriate reaction for what is happening around her. She starts screaming and sh*t but then June, who has gone from insane herself to human Prozac in just one episode, calms her down.
They have sex—or whatever you would call what just happened between the two of them—but for the first time ever, Handmaid’s Tale doesn’t make us watch it. Thanks, I guess? As promised, June is “examined” in front of an audience of three people and found to be sufficiently cream-pied (I believe that is the medical term).
TLDR: I think the whole point of this scene is to show Lawrence that the world he cannot protect himself or his wife from the world he has created, and force him to #resist. Also we learn that the punishment for using contraception is being torn apart by dogs.
At the Waterfords’ Hotel
Cut to: the Waterfords relaxing after a hard day of rape by proxy.
Serena is annoyed at Fred for focusing on his career over their kidnapped baby. She then tells him about her hot American friend in Canada who gave her ciggs that one time, and tells friend they can work with him to get baby Nichole back. F*ck the Waterfords.
Our episode ends with June convincing OfRobert and Janine to help her get all the children out of Gilead. With Commander Z fully flipped, June now has access to a truck. June does not tell Janine that her son is dead, which is probably wise.
Back at the Lawrence residence, Beth the Martha put out feelers for the whole “freeing the children” and the response was…not scones!!! It’s muffins!!! Scones mean no!!! Muffins mean yes!!! June is really going to save the children!!!
This moment of triumph is ruined by June looking to camera and saying, “we’re gonna need a bigger boat,” at which point I threw my laptop across the room. I’ll leave you with this video of comedian Andrew Farmer doing an impression of Ann Dowd (Aunt Lydia) as Ursula the sea witch. Enjoy.
— Andrew Farmer (@thatsajellyfish) May 24, 2019
Hi friends! I’m taking over the Vanderpump Rules recap for two weeks while Sgt. Olivia Betchson is out living her best life. I’m so excited to be writing these recaps, but I have to be honest and say that I’m a recent VPR convert. After resisting for many years, I finally binged the show this summer, and realized just what I had been missing. And now I ask anyone who has gone remotely near LA if they’ve been to SUR. It’s cost me a lot of friends, but I do not regret it.
As a reminder, last week James Kennedy got fired from SUR yet again, Jax, Brittany, and their limited knowledge of business-ownership tried to start a beer cheese company, and Stassi and Ariana planned their first-ever joint birthday party where definitely nothing will go wrong and zero lives will be torn apart. Let’s begin!
We kick off the episode at Vanderpump Dogs aka my actual Heaven, where Lisa is enjoying a delicious dog biscuit with her tea. Rich people are weird, y’all. Our crew has all shown up to take pictures with their dogs to post on Instagram, which will somehow stop the torture of dogs in another country. A noble cause, and also how very smart of Lisa. All she had to do was whisper the words “more Instagram followers” in a dark corner of Villa Rosa and her staffers came running to support her.
Jax is telling everyone that James got fired, while barely managing to contain his glee. Dude, didn’t I just see you get fired last season? Talk about the ‘roided up pot calling the alcoholic kettle black, no?
Kristen upon hearing this news:
Then, “Official Vanderpump Rules Cast Member” Raquel (What? That’s what it says on her IG) and James walk in. Man, this guy has no shame. I am literally a walking ball of shame at all times for like, saying hi a weird way, and these people will just saunter into the place of business of the woman who recently fired their *ss. It takes balls, I’ll give him that.
Lisa calls James over to talk and tells him that she’s going to tell his mommy he has a drinking problem. That statement made me feel like I want to throw up, and she’s not even tattling on me. I’m so nervous.
Ariana and Stassi sit down to talk about their birthday party, and call James over to disinvite him from it. Yet again, he claims that Katie is the one who got him fired! I cannot even find the words to say how pissed off this makes me! As my therapist would say, you are responsible for you, James, so stop acting like a b*tch baby. Okay, that last part is my own personal embellishment. After what is essentially the Red Wedding of West Hollywood, James decides to spare himself any more humiliation and leaves.
Next, we move on to Lala and Brittany getting a butt facial. Damn. I don’t even have enough money to get an actual facial, let alone one on my butt. In fact, I think I have exactly enough money for a pinky toe facial. Do they offer those? Side note: I do have to say that while Lala’s makeup is still bonkers and I hate it, I’m really feeling the brown hair on her.
Anddddd I immediately take that compliment back and remember why I often wish Lala would would disappear back to whatever plastic surgery clinic she crawled out of. Her “man” is, “an *ss man. A vagina man. A tit man. He’s just a man.”
Seriously though, why does she speak like this?
Stassi has Beau over for date night and they drink Aperol spritzes and eat meats and cheeses and talk about Italy. Okay wait, this might be my actual Heaven. No, I take it back. Put this date inside Vanderpump Dogs and now you have it!
Okay, this whole situation with Scheana and Adam is making me incredibly uncomfortable. Is she sexually harassing him? Is he interested in her at all? Is he stringing her along so that he can be on this show and make mad money promoting Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram for the rest of his life? WHO CAN SAY.
Cut to TomTom. Lisa is meeting James’ mom at an actual construction site. How lovely. It’s basically like, “Your son is an alcoholic and I fired him. Sorry you just sat on a nail. Will you be a dear and get me a cup of tea?”
Kidding! What actually happens is Lisa tells Jackie that she fired James because he has displayed a pattern of mistreating and demeaning women. Jackie tells Lisa that she’s all for “the movement of women,” unless her son is the one treating women like sh*t, and then that’s totally fine. She then tells Lisa she was a bad mom and begs her to give James his Tuesday night gig back. No! I am shocked!! A woman who produced a misogynistic, alcoholic, reality star was a bad mom?! Say it isn’t so! I won’t believe it!
Tom and Tom head over to Lisa’s house to be her man servants, and they find her in the backyard clutching a tiny bird like she’s Lenny in Of Mice and Men. Fly away little bird! Fly away before you end up in her pocket!
While there, Lisa asks Sandoval to look out for James, which I’m sure will work out for everyone involved. I know they say you can’t see an ego, but I swear I just saw Sandoval’s inflate ten times when Lisa asked for his help. I’m basically like one of those apps that will tell you how large your gestating baby is, except for with egos. “Congratulations, Tom Sandoval! Your ego is now officially the size of a cantaloupe. Soon you will reach watermelon status!”
Lisa gave Schwartzie ONE JOB and he used that opportunity to prove he doesn’t know how to count. Schwartz is lucky he is so loveable, because I’m pretty sure without that quality he would be playing video games in his mom’s basement right now. Hey Lisa, I can count and I’m willing to change my name to Tom! Wanna go in on a bar?
What do you guys think of this makeup right now? I know Stassi thinks they are beautiful ice queens, but to me they look like that guy in Union Square that’s painted silver and dressed like a robot and calls me a f*cking b*tch when I don’t throw money in his hat.
Brittany pulls Jax aside during the makeup session to tell him that Lala told her while they were getting their butt facials that Tom and Ariana don’t think Jax really changed. It was a very revealing moment. Get it? Because their butts were out. Sorry, I hate me too. Jax says that they’re just trying to tear him down because he’s doing better in life than them. Yes, that’s definitely it. A guy opening a bar named after him with Lisa Vanderpump is most definitely jealous of a nearly 40-year-old serial cheater who can’t make a drink more difficult than a glass of rosé. You hit the nail on the head, Jax.
Cut to James’ apartment, where Lisa shows up on his doorstep. He must have had warning she was coming, right? I don’t believe for one second his apartment is always that clean, I say as I stare at my exploded suitcase from Christmas break. Lisa speaks for all of us when she tells James that when he drinks he is a “rude, aggressive little prick.” PREACH, GIRL! You should see his Twitter, Lisa.
Party time. Is Schwartz dressed as Peter Pan? Personally I can think of no fictional character more perfect for Schwartz to be dressed as, and I’m ashamed I haven’t thought to call him Peter earlier. Oh wait, they’re saying he’s an elf on bath salts. Whatever. Tomato, tomahto, am I right?
WTF is on Sandoval’s head?!?!?!? This guy is more extra than anyone I ever met. And his contacts! Stop. Stassi actually does a butt shot this year (the cause of last year’s meltdown), and I’m feeling like this episode is very butt-centric. What part of the body will we focus on next week? I’m waiting with bated breath.
Lol of course Lala is dressed all in black. You always need a devil at a party with people dressed like ice angels. Official Vanderpump Rules Cast Member Raquel shows up, and Kristen immediately smells blood and starts circling her in the water.
Jax pulls over Tom of House Sandoval, Queen in the North and confronts him about the earlier sh*t talking he and Ariana did. I have no idea what is said in this conversation, because I’m pretty sure I just figured out that Tom’s eyes are the monsters in Bird Box. They are freaking me OUT. Jax is lucky he escaped with his life. I think they hug it out and everything is fine, but I can’t be sure because I had to blindfold myself.
Official Vanderpump Rules Cast Member Raquel comes over and immediately starts problems. She’s praising James for not drinking since Pride, which happened about a minute ago. Bravo! Do they give out a chip for that, or just a pat on the back? Stassi starts getting heated and now I think we all know where this is going.
Shockingly, we are all spared a meltdown, despite the fact that practically everyone in this scene is double fisting.
Oh boy. I spoke too soon. At 1:49 AM Stassi decides it’s time to go to bed, and Beau is still at the party. Stassi immediately turns from ice angel into that woman that texted her ex 159,000 times and told him she’d make sushi out of his kidneys. Wait, was that actually Stassi? When she gets no answer, Stassi smashes her phone, and along with it all her hopes and dreams of a healthy relationship.
And that’s all! Tune in next week to see if Beau escapes with his balls!
Images: Bravo; Giphy (4)
So, Jersey Shore Family Vacation is literally just my life now and I have no idea what’s even going on anymore. I feel like I’m back in high school in SAT class. Deena comments that she loves the house so far, citing things like she “got a good night’s sleep” and “has her space”. I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was watching a show about church camp, BUT GOOD FOR YOU. Maybe they’ll go swimming and exchange friendship bracelets.
Deena then corners Vinny and asks about the penis touching incident and told Vin it seems like he and Ang are a couple. #burn.
Then Snooki says she is throwing a 7-year-old style birthday party at the house which is both weird and f*cking annoying. Jenni is thrilled because she “throws these parties all the time”. Sounds super sick, guys. This is so much worse than friendship bracelets.
Pauly D: An adult themed party sounds like a porno party. Sometimes on my tour bus, we have adult parties.
F*cking ew. Can we work on getting some kind of STD testing sponsorship for Pauly’s DJ sets?
They are literally jumping at a bounce house. I’m half expecting Corinne Olympios, queen of naps and cheese pasta, to show up and try to molest someone in it.
Angelina shows us all how to use a giant hamster ball, as she is the dirty hamster expert here. Mike almost dies trying to use said hamster ball because he has obviously not been doing his cardio.
Burger King is catering this entire thing. I’m sorry, what the f*ck am I watching? I make up all kinds of excuses to avoid my friends’ kids’ birthday parties, and yet now I’m somehow being held hostage to watch sad grown adults have a kids party because they are trying to make “drama” for their show.
Vin completely lies about his diet and pretends this is the first time he’s had carbs. But hi Vin, those keto strips don’t lie. Then Mike lies too, claiming he hasn’t had BK in years. We literally have FOOTAGE of him and Jenni at Burger King post-rehab speech. Mike, we have the receipts.
Vinny is making up some game or “challenge” amongst himself where the losing option is to kiss Angelina’s feet. Yeah Vin, seems like you really don’t want to do that. He acts like he can’t lose because he’s so grossed out by Angelina. But again, he’s the one who came up with the feet kissing.
Vin: Hey, Angelina should kiss my feet, or I should kiss Angelina’s feet, but I hope that doesn’t happen because Angelina is gross. Haha. But like, can we still do the feet kissing?
Oh my God, I just noticed Vinny is wearing a shirt with the Instagram logo that says “Introverted”. I’m sorry, that is f*cking obnoxious. Get with the program, we all stopped bragging about being introverts in like, 2014 when Thought Catalog stopped being cool. Vinny wins and Angelina now has to kiss his feet, which I’m sure he’s thrilled about. This isn’t Ang’s worst Tuesday. She’s used to being disgusting. Vinny is so excited that Ang kissed his foot that he hugs her in gratitude. All of it is disturbing.
The girls and guys decide to separate for the night. Ang decides it’s going to be a classy night which means no swearing, napkins on laps, proper posture because she has scoliosis, and no bodily functions. Okay, let’s just replace her with someone who isn’t trash. The guys are going to the club and I’m way more excited for their drama. We finally get to see Single Ronnie at work. There is no talk about Single Jenni, and that’s a total bore. The girls go to a classy bistro for cheese and wine, and Angelina calls Jenni “a disgust” because she’s burping and whining that she’s fat. K.
The guys go to Jeni’s and Ronnie is like, “oh I haven’t been Single Ronnie in 15 years,” and it’s like, Ron, your best Single Ronnie was always when you had a girlfriend. The guys are horrified to find it’s country music night. The scene is lame so they eat ice cream cones in the corner. This is literally me at every bar. Then some sad sack comes up near their table and is pathetically dancing to himself and miming fake sobs. Oh my God, is doing The Ronnie? Is this a dance move now?
Vinny: Don’t lock eyes with him, OMG he’s seducing me, OMG I’m in love, JUST KIDDING.
I don’t believe any “just kidding” of Vin’s anymore, I guarantee he will sleep with this man. This guy is just staring at them dancing with a chair. Mike is overall pleased with boy’s night, as he’s had a chance to gorge himself. Single Ronnie is completely lame when he’s not cheating on anyone. Really takes the fun out of it.
The girls are drunk and Snooki literally pours the rest of their bottle of wine into an empty Gatorade bottle in her purse. If that doesn’t say class, I don’t know what does. Jenni comments that they are all really polished tonight, like a “polished turd.” I almost completely stopped listening but then as they are leaving, some old-ass man calls Deena FAT. Deena is f*cking pregnant, not okay dude. But the plot thickens. Apparently, as the crew walked by, what he actually said was, “every girl is fat.” Holyyy shit. Do you not remember what happened the last time some rando called a Jersey Shore lady fat? Here, I’ll remind you:
remember when Jwoww punched a girl in the face for calling Snooki fat pic.twitter.com/LANutF7a1e
— realitytvshow (@bgcslave) August 15, 2018
I’ve seen Jenni IRL and let me tell you, aside from her boobs that are larger than my head, she is tiny. Jenni and Snooks stalk back into the bar. Jenni is all, “Did you call a PREGNANT girl fat?!” And calls him a b*tch. And points in his face and is like “THIS IS WHAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICA!” Then the guy calls Jenni a b*tch.
BUT THEN. They walk away. I’m soooo disappointed. In the good old days, Jenni would have legit punched him in the face (see above). Quit this maturity thing, I like to watch trash TV for the possibility of assault charges! What is this sh*t?
Okay, the guys are still sitting at the table with their little dancer man. He finally asks for a picture with them. He danced for three hours for a photo. Then he walks away. Vin feels abused by the fact that he only wanted a picture.
The guys leave to get funnel cake. The girls go to bed. I don’t want to old-shame, but like, guys, it may be time for you to move on from Jersey Shore. These are not the guidos I know and love. Like, you guys got ice cream and went to bed. I don’t need to waste my life watching TV about this; it’s what I do regularly.
Since carbs found Vinny, he is now going HAM and cannot stop himself. Pauly calls him a cheater and makes him wear an iPad on a gold chain with a photo of himself eating carbs. They just have these things at their disposal just in case.
A whole day goes by with nothing eventful to show (shocking) and the gang all goes to dinner together. Vinny so ~randomly~ runs into his cousins at the restaurant. But guess what? Turns out, the cousin’s friend is THAT MOTHERF*CKER that called the girls fat last night at the same restaurant! I’m sorry, are there only like three restaurants in all of Jersey??? How did this happen? Vinny, are you seriously related to these POSes?
Ronnie: I’m going to play with my foot up his ass.
Weird flex, but okay.
Okay, so they’re showing this guy’s face which means he had to sign a release for filming, right? Seems like this is fake but oh well. Then the Fat-Shamer himself walks by Mike, and is like, “oh Mike? We have a mutual friend!” And Mike f*cking shakes his hand.
The girls are like, “why the f*ck are you shaking his hand?” And Pauly goes, “Get out of my table chooch!” (Wtf is a chooch?)
According to Urban Dictionary: chooch
The term is derived from the Italian word “ciuccio” and means jackass, dummy, idiot, or moron. A chooch is a person, who against better judgment, acts inappropriately.
The Fat-Shamer denies the fat-shaming. I’m sorry, HI, this is all FILMED. Ronnie is just sitting, eating and ignoring. Vin calls him a “doo-da-doo” which is apparently a loser. Why do all of their insults sound like they are from a fifth-grade playground? The guy retreats and Angelina realizes she knows one of the girls he’s with. Of course she does. The girl is a stripper and hates Ang. I also hate Ang so I can’t blame her there. They all go upstairs to the lounge club area and Jenni is wearing a cardigan and glasses like, why does she want to fight me?
The Fat-Shamer goes up to them and gives them the finger. Pauly jumps up and gets in his face, the first man to step up and defend the women, THANK YOU Pauly! It’s a lot of “WHAT’S UP MY GUY” before his security intervenes. Pauly’s “GUY” gets removed by security and the crowd chants Pauly’s name. It’s like every bullied kid in middle school’s dream. Also, it’s probably pretty easy to stand up to people when you’re surrounded by private security, just saying.
Ronnie misses everything because he’s once again destroying a toilet and runs into THE GUY outside the bathroom. The Guy compliments his man jewelry and tells him he has more money than him. They start bickering. C’mon, Ron, handle this. Make me hate you slightly less.
The Guy is like “I only call fat chicks fat”, which is OFFENSIVE, RON, but then he starts calling Ron “baby”, and this took a weird turn. And then Ron is all, “I’m not your baby”. And The Guy touches Ron’s chain. Ron is like, “OKAY LET’S GO!”
Ron: He’s wearing fake ass GIVE-INCH-EEE.
Referring to The Guy’s Givenchy shirt. Which is pronounced jee-von-shee, BTW. If you’re going to make fun of someone’s designer shirt, you have to know how to correctly say it.
The Guy: Come to my yacht parties and I’ll show you who gets paid. But like, will you come to my yacht parties???
???? Is this an insult or an invite? Jesus, fix it. Ronnie goes on a Ronpage and grabs all his security to go meet the guy for fighting purposes. Then the trashy stripper girl starts hounding Angelina. Classic Ang is all “f*ck you bitch, stripper bitch, ugly titties”. The guy never comes back—he literally let his GF fight for him? Then the stripper JUMPS the fence and security carries her out.
Unfortunately, this is also when MTV decides to cut the episode. Okay, finally I want to watch something about this show and it just ends?? Whatever, until next week.
Images: Giphy (2); MTV (1)
All right people, we’re back at it for another week! And by back at it, I mean our gang of lovable losers is blacking out and hooking up, and I’m trying not to get any potato chips on my computer. Thus far I’ve been successful, but the keys are greasy. Let’s begin!
Oh yes!! The “previously on” segment reminds me that we were left hanging last week. We’re waiting to see if the strategy devised by a girl who called Brett by the name of Zak for an entire argument worked. Needless to say, I don’t have a lot of faith.
And the gang gets four beams! Which means that Cali’s strategy did actually kind of work. But it also proved that she picked the wrong person as her perfect match, so I stand by my earlier statement that implied she was a dummy. So let’s break down what this actually tells us: Cam and Kayla are not a match, and Cali and Tomas are not a match. And Tevin and Kenya might still be. I’m not sure what else it tells us, though, because I guess I’m a dummy too.
Kenya and Tevin are feeling real smug about this outcome right now, and it’s making them about 900% more annoying than they usually are. Fun!
Cam and Kayla go outside to figure out what this means for them. They are sad. Cam says he told Kayla things he never told anyone else, and I’m betting it’s definitely about what happened in the basement during rush. They decide they’re going to stay together as a couple but also play this game. So like, what does that mean? Can he get a blowie or nah?
Back inside, Morgan is pissed at Zak. He promises not to kiss other people anymore. LOL his promises are worth about as much as Morgan’s hair extensions.
Outside, Cali and Tomas are talking about how they’re not a match. Here’s how it goes.
Tomas: I’m so sad I don’t know how I can carry on
Kwasi, Daniel, and Lewis decide to pull Moe aside and tell him he needs to start stepping up and looking for his match. Okay, but collectively between these guys, we have one that’s hooked up with Samantha and one that got his d*ck sucked by Kenya and THAT’S IT. So we’re not really talking to the love experts over here. Moe decides he’ll pursue Kayla, and I’m already worried for him because she’s over in the corner, breasts being peppered with kisses from Cam, undeterred by the fact they’re not a match. Sweet, sweet Moe. I fear you’re about to get your heart broken.
Sam sets up a scavenger hunt for Daniel and it’s flashing me back to my sorority days when I would show up at chapter, make fun of everyone, and then not participate in dumbass activities like these! Enjoy, Daniel!
Daniel is getting a little thrown off since the cameraman is following him. Yes, Daniel. That’s what’s been happening for the last few weeks, ARE YOU ONLY JUST NOW NOTICING?! How much has he been drinking? This scavenger hunt shockingly leads Daniel to the bedroom where Sam is waiting for him, dressed as a dominatrix who is attracted to sweaty, smelly men.
Papa T shows up, so you know what time it is. No, not time for a stern lecture about getting their grades up, but time for fate to f*ck some more sh*t up. Fate chooses Tevin and Kwasi and to everyone’s SURPRISE, Kenya and Morgan. How LUCKY! She always lands on the couples they want! If this is how fate works, I’m taking her to Vegas and treating her to the penny slots. Mama needs a new car!
Papa T announces that they will be ATV’ing for the date but then announces a surprise that he’s throwing the crew A PARTY! Wait, was this not a party all along? Was this a medical conference? Why do they pretend that something they do every night is special? Oh I’m sorry, now that I see them getting ready I realize that a party means more glitter. I’d also say maybe they oil themselves up, but I’m looking at Daniel, and we all know from Sam he is a SWEATY MAN so perhaps it’s just his natural juices.
Okay things are getting very soft-core porn-y at this party. Is this what Papa T intended? I would think he’d be very disappointed in all the genital-to-genital contact going on here.
Kwasi and Jasmine, with an assist from tequila, are starting to really get along.
Cam is a hot commodity at his party, apparently his dance moves are really turning the ladies on. Also he’s very sweaty so everybody keep Samantha away!
Cali is also getting her freak on and attracting the attention of, you guessed it, ZAK!! That motherf*cker who just promised Morgan he wouldn’t make out with anyone else. THAT VERY SAME ONE. He starts telling Cali she could be his match and trying to get her to make out with him!!! Morgan overhears all of this and has finally decided to stop being Zak’s doormat in and confronts him saying “So you’re saying Cali’s what you need, not me?!”
And guys, it gets BETTER!! Nutsa is cracking me up right now! Yelling “Morgan! Love yourself b*tch! Nobody else is going to do it for you!” all the while grinding up on some dude. Multi-tasking! I’m legit recording that and playing it for myself any time I’m feeling down. And you know what, Nutsa’s voice is actually growing on me. It’s kind of endearing.
Morgan is done with Zak, and I am SO GLAD. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Zak will f*ck whatever is in front of him. Hide your dogs! Hide your sandwiches!
Guys, I appreciate Moe so much. He is really trying! And he’s been so nice to Kayla.
Daniel and Cali start dry humping on the dance floor, so I’m sure Sam’s earrings are gonna be coming off soon for a fight. Oh! No they’re not. She’s crying! Now I feel bad. How dare that sweaty man treat her like this?!
Oh WAIT! The earrings have come off! Sam is confronting Cali and poses the age-old question: “Do you think it’s okay to rub your vagina on my guy’s d*ck?!” Unfortunately Sam, I think the answer to that is yes, because she was just doing it. For a while, actually.
Okay I’m starting to think Papa T threw this party and he knew just what would happen. Perhaps he’s less wholesome than he lets on. Because DAMN people are freaking out left and right. Now Tevin is flirting with Jasmine. Did they spike all the drinks with Viagra or something?? Because all the dudes be thinking with their d*cks tonight. And now Kenya is upset.
We’ve finally made it to morning and the glitter survived, but dignity, livers, and relationships did not. But it’s time for our daters to ATV! Hopefully none of them have the spins!
On the date, Tevin and Kenya establish they still like each other. Great. Moving on. It’s time to decide who’s going in the truth booth. And it’s Tevin and Kenya! Why do I get the very bad no good terrible feeling that they are going to leave me on cliffhanger? Don’t do me like that, Terry!
Annnnnnd I was right! I’m boycotting! I’m never watching this show again. GET A NEW RECAPPER. Okay fine, I’m being dramatic but oh hey hi MTV publicist that sends me these episodes early, can I get next week’s real quick?
Well that was a wild ride, and a really fun episode. See all you peeps next time, and I hope that you all remember this week to love yourself, b*tch!
Images: Giphy (4)
How do you do, fellow kids? Welcome back for another beautiful week of watching degenerates that MTV found passed out on a public bathroom floor make fools of themselves on TV. Look, I know I’m hard on these guys, but I will say that it is nice to break up my string of Dick Wolf shows with this train wreck. There’s only so much child murder I can watch before I need a little drunken debauchery palette cleanser, am I right? And on that note, let’s begin!
Right away we are reminded that Lewis told Asia that he’s not attracted to her. She declares she’s done with him, but she hadn’t previously gotten any of his not-so-subtle hints (aka having another girl suck his d*ck) that he wasn’t that into her, so who can say if this will stick, really?
In all seriousness though, I feel bad for both of them. Asia obviously liked Lewis so it sucks to hear that someone isn’t attracted to you, NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW. And Lewis was actually pretty straight-up with Asia AND was still trying to get to know her in case she was his match, even though she physically makes him about as excited as stale rye bread. Damn, if there weren’t nine other people still there for each of them to bang, I’d be feeling real depressed right about now.
Okay Cali calling herself a “power couple” right now with a dude that couldn’t even get it up for her and is wearing the same ripped skinny jeans I got at Anthropologie last week is KILLING ME. This is apparently enough for us, ladies. I swear 2018 gave us all lobotomies.
Over in the pool, Brett is still mourning the loss of what could have been with Cali.
Brett: I’m so sad about Cali
Brett to Nutsa:
Back on the couch, Zak, Morgan, and Morgan’s rogue weave are making out. But apparently this is too “boring” for Zak, who prefers drama in a relationship. You know what, let the boy have his drama, I say! Let him be verbally assaulted. Let him get 175 drunken late night phone calls. Let him be strangled slowly in what Bria will later claim was a consensual sexual encounter. It’s what he deserves. And then at least this dumbass will finally be out of my face.
And like the bottom-feeding leech she is, Bria notices Zak’s “boredom” and decides to stir the pot. TBH I would think this was all pretty hilarious if I wasn’t so sure that this was going to turn into an episode of Snapped. It’s all fun and games until someone’s house gets burned to the ground.
Over on the floor full of mattresses, Nutsa and Brett decide to finally relieve the sexual tension by hooking up next to Jasmine’s head. Which is the most action she’s gotten since that Tevin paint night, so I’m sure she’s not complaining.
We’ve made it to morning and Asia is making what looks like delicious cinnamon rolls. Lewis! Get her back while you can! Do you really need to be sexually attracted to someone, or can you take the good stuff from a relationship and ignore the rest? If Melania can do it, so can you!
In the bathroom, Nutsa reveals to Jasmine that she sucked Brett’s d*ck last night and like, duh she already knows, Nutsa. You got a little spit in her hair. Nutsa is very proud of herself and thinks that they should all be sucking more d*ck on this show. I’m sure the men would not disagree.
Papa T enters the building and reminds our contestants that they are about as good at this game as my CEO is at not commenting on female employees’ “figures”. He has decided that they’re going to switch up they way they pick dates YET AGAIN because no one at MTV thought out how terribly f*cking insane this fate button idea was and now they’re trying to backtrack as much as possible without admitting they were doing lines of coke during the pre-show meetings. So today fate will choose the women, and then the women will choose the men. Can they choose mozzarella sticks instead? Asking for a friend.
Fate chooses Nutsa and Bria, and somehow Bria convinces everyone that Brett and Zak should go on the date with them. Damn! The devil works hard, but Bria works harder. Meanwhile, Brett is freaking out and telling Asia he doesn’t think Nutsa is his match and to “get the house under control.” GREAT, BRETT. That’s Information that would have been useful to them YESTERDAY.
It also seems they got one over on Papa Terry who I expected to be VERY disappointed in this manipulation, but he seems to have no idea what’s going on. The showrunners must have passed him some of their drugs.
Our crew is canoeing on the date, and Nutsa likes it because it was so beautiful and romantic in The Notebook. You know, the movie where they both die in the end. Oh sorry, was that a spoiler?!
Just leaving this here to remind you that NONE of these dudes will ever be Ryan Gosling. And don’t you forget it, Zak.
On the date, Nutsa and Zak break off on their own to chat, but then SOMEHOW Bria and Zak get to hang out as well. Where did Brett go? Did they make him stay in the canoe and think about what he’s done? Bria and Zak start making out. Ya know, I used to wonder what Zak saw in Bria, but now I don’t anymore. I’ve decided I don’t think Zak sees anything in anyone. I think if a wall tried to make out with him he would do it. Until he decided that wall was too drama-free for him and the other wall started giving him the eye so he went to make out with that one. AND SO ON AND SO ON UNTIL WE ALL DIE.
Finally Brett gets some time to hang out with Nutsa and he uses it to tell her he thinks she’s hot but not deep. Maybe you just weren’t listening while you sprayed champagne on her tits, huh Brett? Anyways, Nutsa decides to open up to Brett a lot and tells him that her parents came over when she was 12 and sacrificed everything for her. She doesn’t say where they came from, but I can only imagine it was Whoville.
Back at the house Papa T asks how the date was. Brett and Nutsa are glowing and now everyone at the house is pissed because he told them not to put them in the truth booth together. And it looks like his subterfuge worked, because the house picked Nutsa and Zak to go in the truth booth.
Zak and Nutsa are not a match! How long until the mob kills Brett? 30 seconds, you think?
Okay so it has officially become the week in the show where someone decides they need to go week by week and figure out who sat together. A tip for next season’s cast: why don’t you start this strategy as soon as you get there? Just spitballing ideas here!
The next day Cali gathers the crew around and tells them her strategy. She basically suggests splitting up the “power couples” to see who the beams really were. Again, I love that they continue to call themselves “power couples” as if they are Beyoncé and Ja- Z and not just two drunks from Florida with GED’s.
We’ve made it to the match-up ceremony and it’s the guys’ week to choose. Let’s see how this one goes.
- Brett chooses Nutsa
- Daniel chooses Samantha
- Tevin chooses Kenya
- Andrew chooses Lauren
Papa T calls Zak down and asks him how the date went with Bria. Zak, you might as well just cut off your own balls now, because if you answer this question someone’s gonna do it. Like the dummy he is, Zak admits he made out with Bria and honestly he’s just lucky that Morgan doesn’t carry around a rusty spoon in that crop top. Because then he picks her as his match. Such a lucky girl!!
It’s at this point in the match-up ceremony that Cali proudly declares there’s a strategy to this madness, and Terry is not pleased. He doesn’t want them to use strategy, he wants them to play with their hearts! I don’t know why he keeps saying this. They are playing with their hearts! They’re just at a disadvantage because their hearts are weighed down by tequila. Tequila hearts are dumb hearts.
- Lewis picks Bria
- Moe picks Jasmine
- Kwasi picks Asia
- Cam picks Cali
- Tomas picks Kayla
Now it’s time to see how many beams they get and Papa Terry reminds them if they’re right they could win One! Million! Dollars! That’s cute, T. But they won’t get this right and they’re never winning a million dollars. And if they do, it’s actually a million dollars divided by 22 divided by taxes divided by whatever they owe their drug dealers. They’ll have enough left for a pack of gum. Moving on!
And the crew gets one beam! And then they leave us on that cliffhanger, because it’s not bad enough that I just ate all the chocolate chip cookies left in my cabinet on what my enemies are calling national boyfriend day, but now I have to wait to see if Cam and Kayla will get to be together forever. Papa Terry, can you PLEASE give MTV a stern lecture for me? See you all next week!
Images: Giphy (3)
In this week’s edition of Men Being Pigs, aka Jersey Shore: Family Vacation episode 8 we left off with Vinny’s mom trying to justify him wanting to fuck around on his Instamodel gf, with the simple resolution of just don’t tell her shit. Ronnie is very on board with this realm of thinking, and I predict long and happy love lives for both of them.
J-Woww is yelling at Ron, saying anyone that dates her daughter should raise her up so much and otherwise he can fuck off. Can she please screen every guy I go out with from now on?
Ron is crying about how he can’t be perfect, k I’m sorry, but does Jen really have crazy expectations for him to not fuck other women? Like is the bar that high?
Snooki is really stoked to go to a strip club. Do I just not get the appeal of strip clubs? Like all I think about is dirty vagina on everything. Sue me. Also, if you’re a straight woman, what is the point? Unattainable body envy?
Jenni is molesting strippers. Ronnie is really into it. All of it is gross and I want it to stop. Oh cool, I thought nothing could be trashier than Jenni groping strippers, but then Snooki steals money from the stripper. Snooki who has children and a steady income via TV show, steals money from the stripper, That is just fucking mean. Also begs the question yet again, is she unaware she’s being filmed?
Snooki: Why is no one getting the money?
Because people have class. Which is saying A LOT of the strip club crowd.
Pauly is dancing with strippers and it’s like, okay finally, when is Pauly going to do something interesting as the only single guy in the house? All the men in relationships are the ones fucking around.
Oh it’s because Pauly wants to find a wife. I mean yeah, do that on TV, Maybe he should go on The Bachelor.
Okay, I fully made that joke AND THEN Snooki said she was going to collect a bunch of bitches and then let him pick like The Bachelor.
Jenni and Mike are ring shopping together. This is v v boring. The rings are like $45,000, but Mike just commits fraud, so money doesn’t matter right?
Pauly is trying to find a lady, and tbh, I don’t think Snooks and Deena are the best people to woman-hunt for him. ALSO, he said he wants a girl with dark hair and light eyes, which makes sense as to why when I was at the Jersey Shore premiere party and I was talking to Pauly, Ronnie was making weird faces and inappropriate gestures at us. I also have dark hair and light eyes. Also, I feel like this is a spoiler that this doesn’t work out for Pauly. Sorry.
Oh, here’s the part where they inflate giant blue balls and wear them and bang into each other. This is one of those plot points that I feel like a random producer is like, “WOW. this would be so wacky and crazy!” K, so you guys might think it’s fun or whatever, but this adds nothing to the story or interest. I have zero fucks to give on this. We are reaaaaaaaaallly reaching for drama right now.
Except for Snooki saying she looks like Mama June. Those are fighting words.
Vinny is soooo skinny now, this is why you guys should eat carbs. But I appreciate that he prays for Pauly, in his new role as Guido Jesus.
I had no idea what it meant when Vin and Mike were saying they need to decorate, but apparently it’s that they decorate their table with women. K. *Adds to the list of reasons I hate men* Vin is talking about putting his face on strange women’s asses. His gf must be thrilled. He just told a girl that she’s like a “hot Britney Spears.” Soooo are you saying Brit is not hot?
Also, these guys are wearing gigantic chains, they are two steps away from being Flava Flav at this point. Oh cool, Vin is getting Bottle Girl’s number. Do they understand how relationships work? No? What about how cameras work? Bc this shit is all being filmed, you FUCKING idiot. Mike literally drags Vin out while he’s confessing his love to the Bottle Girl and says he wants to marry her. Tbh, I don’t think the problem is drinking, I think the the problem is he hates his fucking girlfriend and wants to marry complete strangers. Pretty obvious and my major was art, not psychology.
Mike is all of us rn:
Vin is so hungover he’s making me hungover, and I’m still drunk because I had five skinny margaritas at the bar tonight, so he is killing my buzz. Vin claims to remember nothing about getting Bottle Girl’s number, so OF COURSE he calls his Instamodel girlfriend to TELL ON HIMSELF AGAIN. Wtf, did we not learn anything from last time? Why does he do shitty things and tell on himself? That doesn’t make her happier, try not fucking up perhaps?
Oh noooo, they are now holding signs up to try to find Pauly D a girl on the side of the road. Wow, if these were the standards, I can see why Ron was so excited by our brief conversation. Ronnie says there are girls everywhere and he can scoop up like 10 of them, and it’s like, well yeah if the bar is on the ground, everyone is super hot, Ron.
They find no one to love Pauly so they make him cake. I mean fair trade, that’s what I do every night, too, when men disappointment me which is always.
Mike: Pauly can’t be mad, because it’s funfetti cake.
I find Mike more and more relatable every episode???
Pauly’s excitement makes me sad. It reminds me of my own failed hopes and dreams. People suck.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Vinnie is dressed like a very, very scary woman, and also did he steal Sammi Sex Doll’s wig? Vin and Pauly have always been very clearly in love, so they might as well just go for it at this point. Also, Vin has never showed any interest in Instamodel, especially compared to his love for Pauly.
Vin calls his Instamodel who very obviously despises him yet again to find out that she still despises him. I mean, yeah, I feel like we knew this? Must we call her again and again to discover this?
And we’re left on a cliffhanger that there are only six episodes left—wtf—and Angelina, human garbage bag, is coming back. 1) How dare you? 2) Why? I guess we’ll find out next week…
Images: Giphy (4); MTV (2)
Hello, fellow twentysomethings who like to watch teens make out on screen! We’ve made it to the Riverdale finale, and I am hopped up on Jingle Jangle and ready to go! I know I’m not your regular recapper, but I’ll try my best to do It’s Britney, Betch proud—and if I don’t, please rest assured that I will hear about it if she ever answers my texts.
When I first found out I would be taking over the Riverdale finale recap this week, I started making notes in my journal of the things I wanted to keep track of. I have my fingers crossed for a season high count of the phrase “Make my bones.” Archie, don’t let me down, you adorable idiot! Shall we get started?
The Riverdale finale opens with Betty, Archie, and Veronica at Jughead’s grave. The girls are in chic black, Archie is, of course, in his very appropriate letterman jacket. His friend may be dead, but did you know he is on varsity wrestling, god dammit? Betty is sobbing and asking Jughead to come back to her—this is definitely not real, right?
Psych! That was all in Jughead’s dream. Riverdale’s got jokes, y’all. Jughead wakes up in the hospital alive, but wishing that the name Forsythe Pendleton Jones, Jr. was a dream. The OG FP is in his room and drops some bombs. Fangs is alive! The Serpents are over! The trailer park burned down! How long was Jughead knocked out for? FP really buried the lede, though, because oh YEAH Betty’s dad is the Black Hood! Guys, if we collect all the Black Hoods by the end of this episode, do we get a prize?
Betty and her tight ponytail come to visit Jughead and his rearranged face at the hospital. He comforts her about her dad being the Black Hood and then immediately follows with “So I guess we won’t be running for student council anymore, huh?” I guess it was too much to expect a boy named Jughead to be sensitive for too long.
Cut to Veronica at Fred’s house, where she is literally planning the rest of his campaign. Freddie, if you’ve resorted to trusting your teenage son’s first sexual partner with your Mayoral campaign, I think it might already be too late for you. Veronica announces she isn’t running for student council president either. BUT THEN WHO WILL RUN THIS SCHOOL INTO THE GROUND? Oh, we still have Archie. Blessings.
OMG Cheryl just discovered a secret barn meeting! Mr. Kelly Ripa is having a covert discussion with Penelope and Claudius. Obviously they’re up to something, and for once it isn’t Mrs. Blossom banging her friend’s dad.
Archie goes to the police station to identify the Black Hood. They show him that it’s Hal Cooper in there, and ask him to identify the man. Archie says it is Hal Cooper. They put a black hood on him. Archie says it’s the Black Hood. IS ANYONE ELSE SEEING A PROBLEM WITH THIS IDENTIFICATION PROCESS? Archie also tries to tell the Sheriff there is another Black Hood out there.
Archie: But there’s someone else out there murderin—
Betty goes to Archie’s house to apologize to Fred. She says she is supposed to be a great detective and really let everyone down. Huh? I must have missed the episode where she got sworn in. I hope she wasn’t thinking she was going to get the cruiser, though. Kevin’s dad will let her have it when she pries it out of his cold dead hands.
Kevin happens upon Moose crying in the bathroom. Moose is sad because Midge’s stuffed animals in her locker are gone because of the rioting. Stuffed animals? Honestly how did Midge not get the shit beat out of her at school before this whole murder thing? Yeah, I did just say that about a dead girl. Get over it. Moose and Kevin have a hot makeout sesh in the men’s room. Not totally sanitary, but I guess better than those murder forest escapades.
Cheryl warns Veronica that her dad is in cahoots with Penelope and Claudius.
Veronica confronts her dad, Mr. Kelly Ripa. He says he just wants to get into the maple syrup trade. God, Hiram! Don’t you know “Maple Syrup” is code for drugs??!
FP got fired from Pop’s and is lying around his trailer of impenetrable plastic that could not be burned down, looking drunk and broodingly handsome. He tells Jug they are moving to Toledo. FP, I speak for everyone when I say we would all literally rather get beaten to death by ghoulies than move to Toledo.
Sheriff Minetta calls Archie back and says he made it his mission to find the second Black Hood. Oh really? Because your eyes glazed over more than my boyfriend’s when I just want to talk about my commute in excruciating detail, but okay. He says the second Black Hood was Tall Boy and they killed him in a fire fight. Well, that was an anticlimactic reveal. They really know how to deliver in a finale, huh?! All the action off screen! That’s the way to do it.
Polly is visiting her family with her babies, Poison Oak and Acorn. Polly thinks they need to visit Hal and forgive him for murdering their friends, wreaking havoc on their town, and never revealing that they were actually related to the Blossoms until his daughter was pregnant with their inbred spawn.
Alice: Yes maybe let’s see Hal so I can give him a piece of my mind
Hermione tells Veronica that Mr. Kelly Ripa is responsible for the school shooting and that he just needs control of The White Wyrm and he’ll be able to complete his plan.
Mrs. Blossom is incredibly offended when she finds out the daughter she sent to a mental institution for being gay doesn’t want her to be her guardian anymore, but she does warn Cheryl about the raid on The White Worm.
The Serpents abandon worm and head over the Fred’s for some bacon and pancakes. Then those crazy teens head over to the school in Serpent jackets as a show of support for the Southsiders, who are getting transferred to another school. Oh look, someone managed to surgically remove Archie’s varsity jacket! It was a long and difficult procedure, but in the end, the doctors deemed it a success. It will be published in many medical journals. Archie now wears a serpent jacket and is looking *almost* as fine as FP.
Veronica hatches a plan to stop her dad from getting the White Wyrm. She buys the bar out from under him, but is willing to trade if Mr. Ripa will give her Pop’s. He trades her, but in the meantime she gives up all her inheritance, her stake in Lodge Industries, and her dignity. All so her friends can drink milkshakes! This is why teenagers should not be allowed to do business. Their brains aren’t fully formed yet.
Betty and Jughead are hanging out with Polly’s twins, and Betty is wondering if evil can be passed on. Frankly, I think these twins might have a little more to worry about including webbed toes, genetic diseases, and possibly a clubfoot. Jug says she isn’t evil. Honestly, Betty, your obsession with this darkness is starting to obsess me. A black wig and some kinky lingerie does not a murderer make.
Bless our bored souls, we have finally reached voting day! Archie wins. How shocking and surprising that the handsome idiot beat out the overweight girl! Rest assured the status quo is restored. The Southside students also get to stay. Cool. Name a more pointless plot line, I’ll wait.
Betty goes to visit Hal at the prison. What kind of prison is this with the full glass wall? Olivia Benson never got one of these. Betty says goodbye to her dad and to darkness her old friend.
The Serpents are celebrating with a junkyard fire. FP passes his torch on to Jug. His first order of business is to bestow a gorgeous red serpent jacket on my queen, Cheryl Blossom.
The phone rings at Fred’s party. He finds out he lost the race to Hermione, and then she shows up to give her condolences.
All of a sudden, we cut to Archie sitting in Mr. Ripa’s study. He snuck up the servant’s quarters like the peasant he is. Archie tries to intimidate Hiram with a very tiny blade. The same one I used to cut up my banana last night, I believe. Archie tells Hiram he knows everything and that he is coming for him and will MAKE HIS BONES ONCE AND FOR ALL!! TBH I’m very let down he only said it once this episode. For that reason alone, he did not make his bones with me. Then, instead of ya know, killing the evil dude ruining his life, Archie dramatically stabs his pocketknife into Hiram’s table and storms out.
So basically it went about how all Archie’s plans go:
The gang meets at Pop’s, pleased with how they managed to save it. Do those milkshakes taste like a million bucks, V? Literally?
Hiram walks into a secret meeting. He has assembled a crack team of evil morons, consisting of the middle-aged town prostitute, the identical twin of a dead drug dealer, a ghoulie in a studded jacket from Zara, an ex-Serpent lawyer, and the new sheriff that rode there on his bike. He says his plan is in motion, but Penelope is just pissed because she wants her brothel now. GOD MOM! Can’t you just wait a few minutes to sell your body?
Alice and Polly are sitting at the kitchen table talking about visiting Hal again. Polly suggests that she have someone from her farm come talk to Alice and help her get over all this. Is it just me, or is that a very culty vibe Polly is giving off? I mean, if anyone in that family got the darkness, I would think it’d be in the daughter that banged her cousin.
Betty and Jughead are in bed together. Jughead asks Betty to be his Serpent queen. Can you possibly think of anything more romantic?
We’ve finally made it to the school for Archie’s swearing in, and my tummy hurts and I don’t think it’s from the jingle jangle. Something very bad is about to happen. As Josie sings, the new sheriff saunters on in straight from the passenger seat of his mother’s Toyota. He’s headed right for Archie and tells him he’s under arrest for the murder of some dude named Cassidy aka the guy that tried to rob them at the cabin! Mr. Ripa stands there looking at Archie menacingly as the sheriff drags him out. I bet you wished you hadn’t just used that knife on the table now, huh Archie? THE END.
WOW! What a nothingburger of a finale! See you all back in the fall when we will find out if Archie will go to prison, if those milkshakes really were worth a million dollars, and if Cheryl’s mom will finally get the brothel she deserves.
Images: The CW (3); Giphy (4)
After being insanely excited for the return of The Handmaid’s Tale, the good people of Hulu waste no time making you immediately regret your decision to love this show. Not because it is bad (it’s very, very good), but because it is stressful. Watching an episode of this show feels like getting yelled at by your boss while waiting for a text back and you can feel a pimple coming on. It’s excruciating. It’s horrific. And I can’t stop. Let’s dive in…
The Gilead Baseball* Field
After a brief walk down Handmaid’s memory lane (female genital mutilation, kidnapping, weird sex, etc…) Hulu reintroduces us to Gilead’s aesthetic: black vans, masks, and loud, barking dogs. It’s good to be back.
Q: How are the handmaids doing after they banded together and refused to kill Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine in the finale?
But nah, they’re just going to hang everyone. Grool. Indie music plays like this is Marissa’s death on The O.C. or something, and for a brief moment I’m like “…wait, what if The Handmaid’s Tale season 2 is just five minutes long?” But no, it was all just an elaborate (and insanely expensive) prank put together by none other than everybody’s favorite psychopath: Aunt Lydia.
Offred: *Closes her eyes and accepts sweet death*
*In an original incarnation of this article, I said they were at a football field, but apparently they’re at a very famous baseball field, which just goes to show you how much I know about sports.
Flashback To Before Love Was Dead
Flashback to Offred’s hipster husband, who still doesn’t get that they’re living in a radical religious patriarchy.
Offred/June: Hey can you sign this prescription for me I need my husband’s signature to get birth control pills?
Hipster Husband: What? Really? They’re really doing that? Huh. For some reason I have not realized or been affected by these changes!
Offred/June: ….wonder why…
Offred/June is out here suggesting she and her husband have another baby like they don’t live in a radical religious patriarchy that just drained her bank account and won’t let her pick up her progesterone without zaddy’s signature.
What if the baby is a girl??? You really wanna bring another girl into this bullshit? I get that you nailed down one of the only men in Gilead who isn’t shooting blanks but, damn. This seems short-sighted.
The main takeaway from this scene is that Luke has abs. Now I get why she’s so into making a baby.
Offred And Lydia Have Brunch
Aunt Lydia is officially back on her bullshit, aka tasing people.
Some friend groups have slumber parties and brunches, some friends groups have standing in the rain holding a rock for 5 hours while your psychotic caretaker tases you. Tomato, tom-ah-to.
Lydia: Don’t you remember what it was like before?!?
Offred: Yeah I had a job and a sexy hipster husband with abs who fucked me good. How YOU doin’?
A random woman informs Lydia that Offred has a get-out-of-being-tased-free-card: she’s pregnant.
Lydia: Offred has been filled with His divine light!
Me: …that’s one way of putting it.
CUT TO: Lydia crying while sensually rubbing her face on the rope that rings the pregnancy bell. Did Aunt Lydia just lose her virginity to a bell? Does this count as the first sex scene of the season?
CUT TO: Offred and Lydia sitting down for brunch.
Lydia: Offred, eat up! You’re eating for two now!
Offred: Sorry I’m off carbs.
Me: Friends don’t let friends date fuckboys.
Offred: Friends don’t stone their friends to death.
Lydia: Isn’t it kind of fucked up that you made everyone risk life and limb at a time when you knew you could not be physically harmed because of your pregnancy?
Lydia: Do you want to be like Offwyatt?
Offred: Hard pass.
TBH the whole “being completely untouchable while you’re pregnant” thing did seem like a pretty huge loophole in the handmaid existence. That said, keeping a pregnant lady chained up in the dark can’t be like, good for the baby.
CUT TO: All the other handmaids being tortured while Offred eats.
Offred: *casually slurps soup while friend screams in the background*
Me: Yep, sounds like a typical brunch to me.
Flashback To Offred’s Office Job
First thing I notice right off the bat is that Offred appears to be rocking an iPhone 4. Are we supposed to believe this shit happened in 2010?!?
Gilead’s extra-ness knows absolutely know bounds, and Offred finds out that that Hannah’s school sent her to the hospital for a fever. This is why I always take my phone into meetings. Always.
Doctor: *nice pleasantries and small talk*
Me: This can’t end well.
Aaaand as expected, the doctor is a sexist piece of shit. Okay, lady doctor. You’re really gonna shade Offred for having a job when here you are, working at your job? Ain’t you ever heard “he who is without sin cast the first stone”? That shit is in the Bible!!!
At The Insanely Bright Gyno’s Office
TBH, of all the horrors The Handmaid’s Tale has cooked up, getting your annual pap smear in a blinding white office with an audience of three people is the worst.
Me: Oh shit! Who is that shadowy figure behind the white curtain…could it be….?
*Mr. Waterford appears*
Me: Lol omg this dork.
This scene provides us with some Grade-A Handmaid’s Tale symbolism. The Waterfords gushing over their new baby’s ultrasound while Offred is literally hidden behind a curtain, legs in the air exposed, is everything we expect from this show. (Note to my 10th grade English teacher: See! I *do* notice things.)
Serena (aka Mrs. Waterford) gives Offred a little kiss before leaving to remind us that, in addition to being a bitch who needs a baby, she is also a very complex and contradictory individual who is many ways a victim of the same system she helped to build. Still don’t like her tho.
Offred: Under his eye, Mr. Janitor.
Janitor: Godspeed, June.
Offred *Woody voice*: THERE’S A KEY IN MAH BOOT
*”Somewhere Out There” from Feivel Goes West begins to play*
Me looking into the camera: Offred’s going north.
Offred uses the boot-key to embark on a v. stressful scavenger hunt of all time which leads her to…a meat truck? This has to be the only time in history that a woman ending up in the back of a meat truck was actually the desired outcome.
Back At The Waterford’s
Flashback To How TF We All Got Here
Casual flashback to the terrorist attack Serena thought up to get us all into this mess in the first place.
Hannah: Mommy! Come back to bed with me!
Offred/June: One sec babe the world just blew up.
In The Meat Truck
Offred’s UberIce (the latest in ride sharing technology!) deposits her at her Airbnb, where she is told to STFU and lay low.
Yay! Hot limo driver Nick is here! He’s not a fuckboy after all. Tbh, the lengths dudes will go to to protect a good hookup is pretty inspiring.
Offred then symbolically burns her handmaid clothes and chops off her handmaid hair.
Me: Wow! This scene is so cool! So inspiring! Not horrifying at a —OH MY GOD SHE’S CUTTING HER EAR OFF!!!!
The episode ends with Offred saying “I am free,” but not before she lets us know that she is 5’3, pregnant, and 120 pounds.
Offred: I’m skinny, I’m crazy, I’m pregnant, and I’m fucking coming for Gilead!
Me: Nothing but respect for my president.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need at least a 24 hour detox before diving into episode 2.