Well ladies, we’re here, we’ve made it. The Bachelorette season finale. We’re down to the last two men: Blake, a man whose idea of the perfect evening involves his mother and rewatching Mama Mia! for the tenth time, and Garrett, who has probably started sentences with “I’m not trying to be racist, but…”. Damn, how did this girl get so lucky??
Moving on to the Bachelorette finale recap: Chris Harrison, please STOP trying to say that we’ve all been dying to find out how this season ends. It’s like he doesn’t realize we know how every minute of the entire season will play out two weeks before it even premieres? Silly, Chris.
Garrett’s up first to meet Becca’s family. He keeps talking about how nervous he is, but as long as he doesn’t comment on the size of Becca’s sister’s hair then he should be okay.
Okay, WHO is this Uncle Chuck person and why is he rocking a massive cross as a choker? I bet the only time Uncle Chuck has ever taken that thing off was when Becca needed to bring it to her tattoo “artist” as a template for her HAND TATTOO. It’s all making sense now. I suddenly understand where Becca inherited her good taste in style.
Garrett has to be drunk during this, right? Because the only time I cry this much is in a club bathroom after nine vodka sodas while explaining to the girl one stall over that no one really “gets me.”
Meanwhile, the sister’s hair is growing by the minute. Each time Garrett sheds a tear, her hair grows another inch.
^^Actual footage of her sister rn in this tropical climate
HAHA. Garrett just said Uncle Chuck “came in hot” with the questions and I’m dying. I’m pretty sure the deepest question he asked was “have you ever cried with Becca.” If he thinks that question is tough then I’m n
ervous absolutely giddy at the thought of Chris Harrison grilling him in the hot seat later.
Blake’s up next to meet the family, and he brings wine. A strong start, but first he’ll have to swim under the moat production had to build over Garrett’s tears yesterday.
BLAKE: I gravitate towards strong women. Independent women. Women I sometimes call “mommy.”
Is anyone else getting a weird mommy dearest vibe from Blake rn? Like, we get it. Your mother still cuts the crusts off your sandwiches and is the first to like your inspirational selfies on Instagram. Enough, I beg of you.
Elsewhere, Becca sobbs into a couch cushion over how, like, hard her life is rn while her sister tries not to beat her with the mass of her hair. She’s like “I know this must be so hard for you to have two very attractive men vying for your attention.”
ALSO EMILY: Here, we’ll flip a coin. Heads I get Garrett and tails I get Garrett, k?
HAHAHAH. Becca’s mom just told Blake “it’s okay if she doesn’t pick you though.” Like, does this lady not realize those words are going to make him dive off the nearest Maldivian cliff now??
MY GOD Blake is so effing dramatic. He keeps saying how things are off with him and Becca. He’s sitting there nitpicking every word that comes out of her mouth and over-analyzing her body language and—wait. Sh*t. I’m just realizing. I might be a Blake. Blake might be me.
CHRIS HARRISON: Wow. Blake is in a tailspin right now.
Ah, Chris. Always there to kick someone when they’re emotionally ready to jump of a cliff. God bless you. You keep me young.
Becca asks her family who they liked best and it feels like they’re Team Blake, no?
BECCA’S FAMILY: I’m not saying who you should choose, but Blake is your equal in every way.
UNCLE CHUCK: But Garrett’s got a really beautiful soul. He’s just such a poet.
Why do I feel like Uncle Chuck also likes questionable memes on Instagram in his spare time?
Why does Becca keep saying she and Garrett started off slow? Didn’t he get the first impression rose? On The Bachelorette that’s a good as a marriage proposal.
Okay, I will say that I’m swooning a little over Becca and Garrett’s boat date. When I go on Hinge dates with #NotAllMen types, it’s less dolphins and sunsets and more “you’re a feminist so you can grab the bill, right?”
Cut to the evening portion of the date and Garrett starts painting a picture of what his and Becca’s life will look like. It includes dirty diapers and date nights in the grocery aisle! What a beautiful life you’ve planned for her, G, that doesn’t sound even a little bit sexist!
GARRETT: I’ll stand by you and choose you every single day.
THOSE ARE LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME WORDS ARIE SAID TO HER. GARRETT, COME ON. You’ve got to have better material than that.
Okay, he’s def wine drunk during this entire night. He keeps talking about how he sees forever with her, but I just don’t believe that a guy who was divorced before the photographer could even develop the wedding photos really understands the concept of forever.
Moving on to Blake’s one-on-one date. It’s not looking good for Blakie. Why do I feel like he’s going to have a mental breakdown the likes of which have not been seen since the time Blake discovered his mom was banging his coach?
Does anyone else feel like Becca is slowly trying to distance herself from Blake? Blake is trying to ask what her family thought of him and she can’t even give an answer without mentioning Garrett’s name somewhere in it.
BECCA: Well, my sister liked both you and GARRETT. Both you and GARRETT are such good guys.
BLAKE: *internally screams*
She hasn’t said your name once, Blake, better call your mom while there’s still time to have her fly out and be waiting in the wings with tissues and Ben & Jerry’s after the proposal.
WAIT. Did Blake also make Becca a sad handwritten book?? Did he just copy Jason’s “how to be the next Bachelor” worksheet? Where are these dudes even getting these ideas from? Early 2000s rom coms?
Oh wait. It’s a time capsule. Doesn’t a time capsule imply that time has had to pass before you can open it? Like, those photos are from today, dumbass.
ABC brings out Neil Lane from the hole where they stash him in between seasons so he can cobble together diamonds for them. His eyes practically light up when Garrett says he’s been married before. Like he knows he’s going to get free publicity AND the ring back in 3-6 months when Garrett realizes Becca walks in women’s marches and wants equal pay.
Meanwhile, Becca’s getting ready for her big proposal and I’m already alarmed by what she’s willingly putting on her body without being held at gunpoint or anything. First, there’s the earrings, then there’s the CROCHET HALTER on that sequined monstrosity she’s trying to pass off as formal wear. She might as well have set that 18 grand ABC gave her for wardrobe on fire.
GARRETT: It’s terrifying to think that I might be engaged again, but at least I didn’t rush into it this time.
YOU’VE KNOWN THE GIRL SIX GODDAMN WEEKS. What do you mean you’re not rushing into this? How long did you date your last bride? 10 days?
Alright, deep breaths, people. The moment ABC has been holding us hostage for all effing season is finally here, and Chris Harrison is really hyping it up. He’s like “prepare yourselves because what you’re about to see contains graphic footage of a grown man going to literal pieces on national television. Let’s tune in!”
The boat pulls up and it’s Blake. BLAKE IS GOING HOME. Tbh just once I would like to see them have the winner go first and then the second guy gets rejected passively the second he pulls up and takes one look at Becca’s already occupied finger. Is that so much to ask?
Oh god he’s sweating so bad. He’s, like, sitting in a pool of it. Blake goes “when all this is done it’s just gonna be you and me, babe.” YOU AND ME BABE. I’m f*cking dying. This is so painful to watch.
Sidenote: Do you think they send them to these extremely hot locales only to make the breakups that much more emotional? Because I am EXTREMELY dramatic when I’m hot. I think I threatened to commit suicide today when I went out to pick up my lunch.
The two of them having this breakup fight whilst dripping sweat must be what the 9th circle of hell looks like. Her makeup is literally ROLLING OFF her face and he’s using his suit jacket as a towel. It’s so hard to watch.
Yo he’s soooo salty about this whole thing. He just shrugged off her goodbye! I wonder if she can hear him howling from the limo as her glam squad tries to fix her face before Garrett comes in.
OMG Blake sobbing into this towel rn is TV gold. I want to save this and watch this on repeat for the rest of my life.
BLAKE: I can’t believe after all this I have to do this crazy thing called life alone.
Blake, I’m right there with you, buddy. You think it’s easy spending six weeks watching your fool ass on national television and only have a relationship with my Seamless guy to show for it? WELL, IT WASN’T.
Wait. Is ABC really going to cut to the live after show rn? *throws laptop at wall* Goddamnit, ABC, I will burn your studio to the ground if you make me wait one more minute for this proposal.
Becca comes out and Blake is like “ugh I was hoping you looked ugly.” Honestly, Blake, you’ve seen her in all the sequins Forever21 has to offer and still thought she was beautiful so obviously we can’t trust your judgement here.
Okay, Blake is handling this breakup confrontation way too well. He’s definitely campaigning for the new Bachelor spot. Jason, you’ve got some competition!
CHRIS HARRISON: Did you cry in your mother’s arms after Becca dumped you at the altar? How many times?
CHRIS HARRISON: Blake, what will help you move on?
BLAKE, INTERNALLY: If you would make me the next f*cking Bachelor.
FINALLY. We get to see the proposal. Garrett is like “you look amazing today” and that’s how you know they’re going to make it. If he can propose to her while she’s looking like the discarded scraps of a Project Runway challenge then you know it’s real.
Okay, this speech is so half-assed. Did he just Google “good proposals” and then go with the first thing that popped up? Also, why is she interrupting him halfway through that mediocre speech? OMG he thinks she’s dumping him! Becca you’re so cruel, I love it.
Ugh why is she proposing to him now? BECCA, HE HAS ONE JOB. LET HIM DO IT.
Jesus. The bar is so low, isn’t it ladies?
Becca and Garrett make their debut on “After The Final Rose” and they’re both plastered. It’s the only explanation for why she keeps screaming so much.
I will say Becca looks amazing tonight. It’s amazing what love, stability, and fresh extensions will do for a girl who thinks sequins are appropriate for any occasion.
Chris calls out Emily and I feel so bad for this girl. Like, don’t call attention to her hair anymore than the producers already have! You know the second he shouted at her, her hair stood at attention and was like “oh sh*t! They’re talking to me.”
GARRETT HAS A MULLET WIG. Becca’s trying to play it off like it’s just a fun disguise for when they sneak around and not like it’s something they bust out in the bedroom. Sure, Jan. Sure.
Ah, so they ARE going to address the memes. In the last seven minutes of this goddamn episode. Way to give this sensitive topic the time and attention it deserves, ABC! You’re just lucky I’m so f*cking exhausted from watching THREE HOURS of this horse sh*t that I’m not going to riot in the streets over this.
Oh my god Becca just tried to say that this meme thing was Garrett trying to challenge her. YEAH CHALLENGING YOU TO SMACK HIM.
CHRIS HARRISON: There’s ups and downs and trying to explain to your fiancé why it’s not okay to say that child survivors of a school shooting are crisis actors. That’s a relationship!
The season ends with ABC gifting the happy couple with a mini van! They drive off into the sunset and I guess it’s nice that Garrett still lets Becca drive. You know, at least until they have kids!
And on that note, good season everybody! I mean, good for everyone but Becca who is going to have to wear that tacky-ass ring for the rest of her
contractually obligated life. See you all tomorrow in Paradise, because ABC doesn’t want me to have a goddamn life.
Images: Giphy (10)
Welcome to Thursday, friends. You woke up to a whole new world where Jason Bateman is a dick, Morgan Freeman is a predator, and The Bachelorette is a breeding ground for sexual assault. In retrospect, only one of those is all that shocking.
News broke yesterday that Meredith Phillips, star of season two of The Bachelorette, was allegedly drugged and sexually assaulted during her time on set. If you think that sounds like a legit plotline out of Unreal, it’s because sometimes life really does imitate art.
After telling producers she was feeling fatigued while filming, Phillips says a massage therapist was brought in to help alleviate some of the stress of dating 24 shitty men at the same time. Instead of some much-needed relaxation, however, Meredith was allegedly drugged by the masseuse (BTW—masseuse means woman), pulled into the tub in her room naked, and then sexually assaulted.
“The last thing I remember was she got naked and she was in the tub with me, and rubbing my back and rubbing areas probably she shouldn’t have. And then I was put in bed. I woke up naked. Don’t remember much.” Just when you thought the roving horde of future DIFF Eyewear ambassadors was your biggest concern, now women in this franchise have to worry about being attacked by other employees on set. Cool.
Another woman working on the show confided in Phillips, saying that she’d been roofied and accosted in a tub as well. At this point I’m starting to wonder what the fuck else happens on that set that we don’t hear about. Maybe that Bachelor in Paradise scandal from last summer isn’t as much as a one-off as we all initially thought. Kind of weird that a show that relies on the involvement and implicit trust of women does absolutely nothing to protect them during a highly vulnerable and surreal moment in their lives. And by weird I mean not even the least bit surprising.
Is it a coincidence that this news is breaking just days before the premiere of Becca Kufrin’s season? Is Mike Fleiss taking a page out of the Kris Jenner book of publicity and dropping scandals to align with peak viewing moments? Will there ever be a day where this hellhole of a franchise doesn’t dictate my life on a near-daily basis? Find out this season on The Bachelorette.
Now that the most boring Bachelor season ever is coming to a close, it’s time for us to
celebrate the happy couple scrub that dumpster fire from our minds and focus on more uplifting things. Like the next bachelorette! Let me just warn you now, there are spoilers from The Bachelor finale ahead. So if you are the only person in America who doesn’t know what’s going down tonight, do not read any further. But please do come back tomorrow because I sacrificed my sleep for all of you to go into a deep dark Reddit hole and get the scoop. It was not pretty, and now neither am I. You’re welcome. Here are the contenders for the new Bachelorette.
1. Becca K.
Let’s get this obvious choice out of the way. Reality Steve says Becca K will be the new Bachelorette. As us spoiler-fiends know, on tonight’s finale, Arie picks Becca as his winner and proposes. Then, because Arie is actually just a middle-aged version of every fuckboy I’ve ever dated, he decides to break off the engagement with Becca and get back with Lauren B., presumably because he’s sick of banging Becca. Arie, I don’t think Jean Valjean would be very proud of you.
So, Arie, look what you made Becca do. She now has a great story for The Bachelorette. All of America will be on her side, and after being forced to watch an irrelevant race car driver attempt to look cool in leather jackets all season, America needs a new Bachelorette we can get behind. Honestly, the only way it won’t be her is if she says no or if ABC can find someone with a bigger sob story. So I guess it doesn’t matter that she’s about as memorable as her last few dates.
I literally have no memory of any of these dates. Either Becca’s dates are at the point of the evening when I get up for my second bottle of wine, or I should consult a doctor.
is maimed in an accident says no, Tia is definitely the close second. As my friends on the Reddit thread “Fingers Crossed Tia is NOT The Bachelorette” say, she was practically auditioning for the job at Women Tell All. They all think that because Chris Harrison kept asking if she was ready to find love again, ABC was trying to establish Tia as an option.
Honestly, I don’t hate this idea. I feel like Tia is way more interesting than they made her out to be on the show. She is from a town called Weiner! On her first night she legit asked the lamest Bachelor of all time if he had a small weiner. He managed not to burst into embarrassed flames solely because Tia was so cool about it. She’s also friends with Raven, who once beat her cheating boyfriend with a stiletto. Not that that says everything about Tia’s character, but one time my friend crashed an ex’s wedding in a white dress, and I’m not saying I’d do that but I’m also not not saying I’d do that, ya know? It’s about having the same spirit. So basically, I’d love to see Tia beat eat 25 Bachelorette contestants alive. Please excuse me while I create the Reddit thread “Fingers Crossed Tia IS The Bachelorette.”
Now we’ve entered the wild card portion of the article. Kristina was a contestant on Nick Viall’s season, the guy in the turtleneck speaking with a lisp. You know the one.
Kristina then appeared on last season’s Bachelor in Paradise, where she immediately formed a relationship with Deanie Babies. Dean did her wrong, though, and was two-timing her on the show and then again after the show. This poor Russian orphan cannot catch a break. Kristina has a great back story (the orphan thing), is beautiful, and has a voice that’s only slightly more grating than Nick’s. If I know anything about ABC, it’s that they love to exploit the tragedy of their leads for more viewers. It’s a shame one of her adoptive parents hasn’t recently died, then she’d really be a lock.
4. Amanda Stanton
My final guess for the new Bachelorette is
teen mom single mom Amanda Stanton. Let’s start with the important facts. Amanda has one of the largest Instagram followings of former Bachelor contestants. Which means people like her, and she has great hair from all those SugarBearHair vitamins. She also has two kids, which could be played for maximum drama throughout the season. I frequently re-watch the episode where Kinsley and Charlie shade the fuck out of Ben Higgins. There’s nothing better than when you look into the eyes of a child and all you see is darkness. It makes for great TV. Amanda also has the franchise’s ideal body type—really fucking skinny. Can’t go wrong.
I will admit I have an ulterior motive for presenting Amanda as an option though. Look at this DOG.
I deserve that pup on my screen every week and so do you. Amanda it is.
Images: Giphy (2), Amanda Stanton, Kristina Schulman, Becca Kufrin / Instagram