A few things happen as one glides gracefully (or, in my case, not at all gracefully) through her twenties: you find out you can no longer drink a full bottle of tequila without ending up in a body bag; you realize Forever 21 bodycon dresses are flattering on exactly no one, and, my personal favorite, you just stop giving a fuck about what people think. And by “people,” I mean every fuckboy who’s told you, at 9:23pm on a Friday, to meet him at a just-above-shitty bar, where he’ll proceed to “generously” ply you with vodka soda after vodka soda, after which he’ll order an Uber and escort you back to his kingdom…aka, the crappy fourth floor walk-up he shares with two guys from his college lacrosse team.
What. A. Gentleman.
In my Oprah-esque quest for basic bitch brand spiritual enlightenment, I recently decided to make some changes. In addition to switching from 12 iced coffees and a cheese stick per day to one kombucha and an organic cheese stick per day (#mybodyisatemple), I committed to living out the one piece of advice even Buddha did not think of: “You teach people how to treat you.” (Thanks for that, Dr. Phil.)
The universe must have been listening, because this email landed in my inbox last week:
First, why do I pay $600 a month for therapy? I obviously just need a Hinge subscription. Or a job there. These people understand how to practice self-care as it relates to mending my cold, dead heart.
Second, which prince in my Rolodex of not-so-charming suitors should receive this box? While the old me would never dream of calling out a fuckboy’s fucked-up set of behaviors (no good text is ever accompanied with a wink face emoji, girls), I was about up to here *points to the top of the Empire State Building* with these dudes getting away with murder.
So I entered my credit card information, hit “order,” and had it sent to the most recent offender: a lacrosse-playing, vodka soda slinging, finance working “good guy” who had, two months earlier, spent an entire evening professing his “love” for me. And not just any old love…a burning, unrequited love that had apparently been “eating him up inside” for the better part of five years.
PRO TIP: Don’t believe any guy if he makes a speech like this at 4am on the street corner adjacent to your apartment.
Because I refuse to accept I’m not Cameron Diaz in The Holiday, I believed him.
To make a long story short, our “romance” fizzled approximately three weeks later when I explained I needed some level of commitment from him beyond “I’ll text you this weekend.” This didn’t seem like a tall task considering he was “in love with me” from afar for five years, but I have a real talent for underestimating the power of someone who played a rich person sport at a NESCAC school.
Back to the Fuckboy Kit—that week, I kept an eagle eye on the package tracking. When it arrived at his doorstep (probably along with a Bonobos delivery, tbh), I imagined several scenarios playing out: either I would receive a condescending text calling me “nuts,” or I would hear nothing. Which would obviously be worse, because I require constant attention.
Approximately eight hours after the package arrived at Mr. Wonderful’s den of fuckery, my phone rang.
No, you are not reading a piece of fiction. My fuckboy actually picked up the phone to share a reaction beyond “haha.”
And would you believe the next part? He apologized for being a grade-A, immature douche canoe.
“I guess I kinda freaked out,” he said. And then, in the least surprising statement of 2017, he admitted the following: “I’ve definitely avoided commitment of any sort. This was a pretty funny way to call me out. Sorry for being a massive dick.”
If you believe in fairy tales, we’re going to dinner next week. Can’t wait to tell this story at our wedding, where he will most definitely be wearing the “Husband Material” hat.
Well ladies, it is officially here: cuffing season. The one time of year when it is acceptable, nay necessary, for you to aggressively pursue a stable, loving, relationship to help you survive your seasonal depression the winter. But what should you look for in a winter bae? Well that depends, obviously, on the date and time of your birth as it corresponds to the position of the stars and planets in the sky. I’m talking about your zodiac sign, duh. Luckily, we have a cuffing season horoscope that will help guide you toward the fall relationship of your dreams. Follow this guide, and you might even meet someone you like enough to date into the spring. No guarantees on summer, though.
Virgo – The Actually Smart Fuckboy
You’re knocking it out of the park in anything school/learning related this fall, so just know you have no time for stupid bullshit. Instead of going for your usual dumb finance bro type, focus on someone who can actually keep up with you intellectually. You know, the type of guy who can participate in all your shit talking without having to constantly be reminded which Ashley you’re talking about. Basically, you have a meet-cute at a library in your future. Embrace it.
Libra – The Reliable Fuckboy
I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but it’s time for you to get serious. Don’t focus on partying. It’s get shit done season. That being said, you’re going to need a fuckboy who is reliable. Preferably he’ll have a car and an AirBnB account because you’re going to need some weekend getaways to balance out your work week. A reliable fuckboy with his own car and money for trips? Yeah, you’re basically looking for a unicorn. Better start searching ASAP.
Scorpio – The NSA Fuckboy
You are feeling confident af this fall, Scorpio. I mean, you’re always confident, but particularly so this cuffing season. This excess of confidence is going to attract a lot of eligible suitors, so the best move for you this cuffing season is simply not to participate. No cuffing for you. You don’t need it! Cuffing is for lonely people who are pissed because sweatpants are the only thing that fits them right now. That’s not you right now, Scorpio. Remember: “I go through guys like / Money flying out the hands / They try to change me. But they realize they can’t / And every tomorrow is a day I never plan / If you’re gonna be my man understand….I can’t be tamed.” – Miley Cyrus
Sagittarius – The Successful Fuckboy
You definitely want to be lazy and stay inside this fall, and honestly, you’re not wrong. TBH, you’re probably dying to get a head start on your summer body, and while I don’t blame you, maybe hold off on that until after Christmas. You know, long enough to rope someone into finding you physically attractive. With that in mind, you’re going to want to hook up with someone who will keep you motivated. Find someone who is killing it right now and latch on and use them as a life vest. Just be ready to do the same for them when fortunes shift.
Capricorn – The Hipster Fuckboy
You are feeling creative and artistic this fall, Capricorn, so it’s time to let go of the past and go with the flow. You’re going to need to cuff up with someone who will fan the flames of your creativity, so maybe a trip to Brooklyn (or your nearest hipster mecca) is in order. Scope out a local coffee shop or go to a reading (whatever that means) and find the scrawny hipster of your dreams. Once you find them, it’s Netflix and Chill all winter for you. Just know you will have to dedicate at least some of your alone time to listening to your new boo playing guitar.
Aquarius – The Kind Of Random Fuckboy
It’s try new things season, Aquarius, so it is time to diversify your dick portfolio. Now is not the time to be picky. Now is the time to leave caution to the wind and trust your vag heart. Basically, you’re ready to give your attention to anyone who you find even remotely interesting. Don’t limit yourself to your usual dating pool or hangouts. Branch out. Date someone under 6 feet. I know it sounds crazy, but it just might work out.
Pisces – The Non-Fuckboy Fuckboy
Grab a tissue, Pisces, because you’re about to catch feelings. It is flu season, after all. But don’t freak out—this isn’t a death sentence. It just means that you’re going to need to preemptively steer yourself in the direction of someone who isn’t going to ghost you. Put your red flag alert on high now to avoid the heartache later. Nobody wants to spend Christmas sadly posting fuckboy memes and thirst traps in hopes of getting some loser’s attention. Make sure that at the slightest hint of shadiness, you bolt before the feelings are able to take hold.
Aries – The Fuckboy Fuckboy
You don’t have the attention span for anything serious this fall. That’s why this cuffing season you need to seek out most fuckboyish fuckboy you can possibly find and bang him until one of you ghosts the other. No feelings, no drama, just a semi-regular dick appointment. When you guys get bored and decide to never talk again, just move onto the next one. I promise the type of man you’re looking for is in surplus these days.
Taurus – The Sex-Crazed Fuckboy
Damn Taurus, you’re loyal. But you’re also…how do I say this…looking to get fucked. No shame, girl. This is 2017. Ladies is freaks too. Time to grab the nearest person you’re attracted to and lock them down with some crazy marathon sex. Not only will it maintain your healthy glow as the Sun goes away, but the vigorous exercise will have stave off your winter weight. Lucky you.
Gemini – The Fuckboy Husband
You will be leaning into cuffing season hard this year, so don’t be surprised if you find out mid-January that your friends have started a separate group chat to talk about how lame you are now. Honestly, they’re just jealous of your joint Blue Apron account and newfound love of staying in on a Saturday night to re-watch the new Ken Burns Vietnam documentary. Sure, it sounds lame now, but soon you will become impervious to FOMO, so just double down and be thankful you found someone as into doing nothing as you are to spend the winter with.
Cancer – The Expendable Fuckboy
Danger! Alert! Attention, Cancer! Your OCD tendencies are going crazy this cuffing season, which puts you at risk of morphing into your craziest self dating-wise. Double texting, subtweeting, and general overreactions are all in your future. Honestly, there’s really nothing you can do but accept the crazy. You’ll get over it eventually, and find yourself laughing your ass off mid-June when you run into your former fuckboy at a bar and have to say, “Haha sorry for the time I broke into your house. So random.”
Leo – The Fuckboy & All His Friends
September and October are going to be especially busy party months for you. Maybe some people you know are getting married, maybe you’re just looking good af and want to be seen. Either way, you will be out and about, so don’t let yourself settle into a regular thing too soon. You’re on fire, and a significant other will just slow you down. Whatever you’re doing romantically, keep it on the DL. You don’t need all the guys you’re juggling to know you’re juggling them.