Looking for a new retort to narcs who are always complaining that the Kardashian-Jenner family is famous for nothing? Well you’re in luck because the eldest sister has been busy enacting real change in Washington DC and all of those haters can take a seat in the corner. That’s right. Kourtney Kardashian is going to Congress. Or should I say, Kongress. Kourtney is headed to Kapitol Hill to take on outdated FDA regulations for cosmetics, something she is incredibly passionate about and wears on her face literally everyday!

On Tuesday, the tiniest Kardashian along with New Jersey Representative Frank Pallone will speak to members of Congress about the lack of oversight the FDA has on cosmetic products. So, like, if a blush could make you breakout in hives or a dry shampoo causes your hair to fall out, the FDA can’t legally recall those products. Gross.

The Cosmetics industry is one of the few industries left relatively untouched by federal regulations. In fact it’s been almost 80 years since major regulations were implemented. Currently, these products don’t need to be tested for safety. Not cool. So why does Kourtney care? Well, first of all, she is a passionate and a fighter for the people. Need I remind you of the time she reminded him “there’s people dying”? Inspiring. Secondly, she is working on a cosmetics line with Kylie and to get her name out like this is huge. I wouldn’t bat a fake mink eyelash if you told me Mama Kris was orchestrating the whole thing to make her eldest an authority on cosmetic safety before the launch of her line. In fact, I wouldn’t blink if you told me Mama Kris was secretly running the government. What can’t that woman do?

It isn’t totally clear what was discussed at the private meeting Tuesday but I do hope this is the kick off of Kardashians in politics, if for no other reason than to drive the haters insane.

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On the 14th day of Christmas my true love gave to me the repeal of net neutrality a new made-for-TV holiday movie starring former four-time Bachelor star/current single person Nick Viall. Yep, that’s right. The rumors about Nick Viall pursuing an acting career are true, and he’ll be making his debut on something called Ion Television, which is totally not a TV channel he just made up so he can be in shit. The movie is called A Christmas Cruise, and let me tell you, it might be truly the greatest holiday gift of all.

So what do we know about it? Well, not much, aside from the fact that it stars Viall opposite actress Vivica A. Fox (???) and is described on the Ion TV website thusly:

“When her best friend invites her along for a holiday themed sail, an aspiring novelist, Pam, unexpectedly finds love of her life on board. But what will happen when the ship returns to port for Christmas?”

Okay, so I immediately have ten thousand questions, in no particular order:

1. Isn’t this kind of below Vivica A. Fox?
2. Isn’t this kind of above Nick Viall?
3. Is there anything sadder than the job title “aspiring novelist?” Like, can’t anybody just be a novelist if they write a novel? I wrote a 650,000 word Harry Potter fan fiction in high school (literally true) so like, get your shit together, Pam. I guess maybe that’s why she’s going on this cruise…
4. WTF is a Christmas cruise? A cruise that happens the week before Christmas? It must be, if the boat returns to port for Christmas, but don’t people traditionally have the week *after* Christmas off?
5. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN THE SHIP RETURNS TO PORT FOR CHRISTMAS??!?

Real talk though, the best part of all of this is the promotional image for the show, which Ion TV released. Just look at this shit:

So like…this is literally a photoshop of a Nick Viall promotional image copy/pasted behind Vivica Fox’s headshot and a tree. Was there no point at which they could take promotional photos together? Did nobody have a phone with them on set to snap a real pic? Is this movie CGI?

Omg I hope this movie is CGI.

This marvelous monstrosity airs Saturday December 16th at 9pm so like, I will not be watching because I have a social life, but hopefully they’ll put that shit on streaming ASAP because I literally cannot go into 2018 with my pressing Christmas Cruise questions still hanging over my head.

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The Bachelor is many things: entertaining, ridiculous, a mirror in the face of everything wrong with American society, etc. But good at finding boring white men a wife it is not. Of 21 seasons, only one of The Bachelor couples are still together (compared to The Bachelorette’s six out of 13), and the three most recent leads are currently single af—one of whom may or may not have committed manslaughter. All in all, I would say the show has been about as successful at creating long-lasting relationships as Gretchen Weiners was at making Fetch happen.

So what do we have to look forward to in January? If anything anyone has ever said about Arie Luyendyk Jr. is any indication, next season will be another addictive disaster where Instagram fame love blossoms over a string of hot tub helicopter dates, only for it to “part ways” in time for Bachelor in Paradise. And for a closer look at Arie’s future (which will definitely include a stint as Robby Hayes and Chase NcNary’s roommate), let’s check in on The Bachelor’s most recent leading men. Where are they now on a level of brokenhearted loser to complete and utter fuckboy?

1. Nick Viall

The franchise’s most recent failure and most obvious I-told-you-so broke it off with fiancée Vanessa Grimaldi just five months after the show ended and like, a week after his stint on Dancing with the Stars. Never wanting to get married anyway (in my humble and accurate opinion), Nick is still gym selfie-ing daily and trying to make it as a D-list actor in Hollywood.

Fuckboy status: Once a fuckboy, always a fuckboy.

2. Ben Higgins

Ben and Lauren, The Bachelor’s most boring couple, broke up in May—a year after their engagement and months after their epic snoozefest of a spin-off show. While Lauren is flaunting the shit out of her new bf on Instagram, Ben hosts the Almost Famous podcast with Ashley I. and started some company that’s like DIFF Eyewear but for coffee.

Fuckboy status: Too religious to use the word fuck, too Republican to get fucked. 

3. Chris Soules

Chris and Whitney broke up like, three seconds after the finale aired, and boy, has his life gone down farm hill since then. Two years since their split, Whitney is married to a far superior dude that she met on a dating app (online dating > TV dating), and Chris is about to stand trial for a felony hit-and-run charge. That’s right, nobody’s favorite farmer rear-ended a 66-year-old man driving a tractor, called the police to report that the man had died, and fled the scene. Boy, does ABC know how to pick ’em. I bet he’s on farmersonly.com, though—someone want to check?

Fuckboy status: Fuckboy felon

4. Juan Pablo Galavis

Juan Pablo, the Bachelor stepchild that even Chris Harrison wants to forget, was such a fuckboy that he didn’t even propose at the end of his season. At least pretend, dude, that’s how the show works. Shocker: He and winner Nikki Ferrell didn’t last, but he did marry a Venezuelan model back in August.

Fuckboy Status: Married fuckboy

5. Sean Lowe

Sean Lowe is the closest ABC will ever get to casting a redhead, and he is the only male lead that got to keep the Neil Lane diamond. Sean and Catherine are still married, cute af, and expecting their second child together. Way to break the mold.

Fuckboy status: Never was, never will be.

In case you live a full and fulfilling life and you don’t spend 3-4 hours a night scrolling through the black hole that is the Kardashian’s internet presence (Hi), then you might not have known that yesterday was the 10th anniversary of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. That’s right, it’s been 10 years since this cesspool of a family graced our television screens and our hearts. 10 YEARS. I would say I’m both alarmed and disgusted by this information but I 100 percent show up every fucking Sunday to Keep Up so I recognize I’m part of the problem here. Whatever. But this got me thinking, where would the Kardashians be today if Kim had never strategically planned accidentally leaked her sex tape? Would she still be famous for taking nudes selfies or would she be a valued, productive member of society? Lol KIDDING. Even in an alternate reality Kimmy would be about as valued in society as Trump’s tweets about the Emmys, but it’s fun to speculate, isn’t it? But why stop at Kim? Tbh I already know exactly where these bitches would be without their fame Kris Jenner exploiting their bodies and personal lives every second of every day, and trust me, it is not pretty. So, in case you’ve always wondered, this is where every member of the Kardashian Klan would have ended up if no one gave a shit about Kim’s sex tape:

Kourtney Kardashian

Kourtney was the only Kardashian to get a college degree and thus is the only member of that family who could actually get a job outside of selling hair vitamins on social media. That said, she’s still a trust fund baby and would 100 percent only use that degree for cocktail hour fodder because that is the way this world works. Kourtney would have continued to run Dash with her sisters until she decided to create her own, organic-eco-friendly-dye-free-still-made-in-China clothing line called Kourtney & Ko (I didn’t say she’d be original). Once a year she goes on a “mommy’s retreat” to Cabo where she gets wasted off tequila and sleeps with the hotel pool boy before coming home a week later to shuttle her kids to mommy-and-me yoga classes while stalking the pool boy on Instagram between poses.

Khloé Kardashian

Khloé would never have gotten skinny because whatever inheritance she got would not have covered the millions of dollars that girl spent exorcising her daddy issues on plastic surgery and personal trainers. Her anger at watching her sisters become prettier and skinnier over the years would have manifested itself in more than one DUI and all of her mug shots would have been framed in Kim’s house above the fireplace mantel. To exercise her anger in a healthy way she would have come up with an anonymous meme account where she trolls her sisters on a daily basis from the privacy of the Dash employee locker room. Eventually Khloé would have settled down with her ex-boyfriend from high school after he slid into her DM’s on her 30th birthday. Mazel tov.

Kylie Jenner

Tbh I’m pretty sure Kylie would still be probably knocked up at 20 years old. I mean, this is the same girl who was 10 years old and gyrating on a stripper pole in the family living room. TEN. YEARS. OLD. So, yeah, either way I think she’s pretty on track with how her life was meant to go. After announcing her pregnancy via a 10-minute Instagram story, Kylie would document her entire pregnancy journey for all of her high school friends followers to witness. Upon the birth of her child she would spend three months in hiding a facility for “anxiety issues” and would return after an extensive about of lipo time “realizing stuff.”

^^Never forget

Kendall Jenner

Kendall, being the only semi-normal member of that family, would have gone on to the University of Arizona to follow in her sister Kourtney’s footsteps. The only modeling she would have done would be for her sorority’s annual charity calendar and her fratty boyfriend’s amateur porn collection. Eventually she would have graduated with a degree in something useless and married the college boyfriend whose family has the most money with the biggest heart.

Scott Disick

Scott would still be with Kourtney and they would still have three of the most adorable kids to ever grace my Instagram news feed. Kourtney would have briefly considered dumping Scott’s ass when he shoved a 100 dollar bill down Chuckles The Clown’s throat at Mason’s first birthday party, but spent one day on Raya and realized the real world is not full of models just dying to date you and took him back. Instead of spending his days driving private plans and banging 19-year-old Instagram thots on European beaches, Scott would be driving the carpool line and banging the 19-year-old nanny while Kourt’s out at the PTA meeting. And they say romance is dead.

Rob Kardashian

It’s hard for me to make assumptions about the youngest Kardashian sibling because he is legit batshit, as evidenced by his relationship with Blac Chyna. That said, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that if his family never got famous he would probably have finished college. Probably. Even though he graduated with a degree in business, he had a GPA of 2.5, and thus he got no job offers after graduation. His Cheetah Girl girlfriend would try to drop his ass the second Disney tried to make a franchise out of a movie that supports cheetah print tracksuits as a fashion movement. To combat this, Rob would try poking holes in the condom during their breakup sex to trap her into a lifelong relationship with him. But it wouldn’t work, because without his last name to make him attractive to social-climbing strippers, no one would dare bare his offspring.

Kris Jenner

With no scandals to propel her children into superstardom, Kris would have tried literally every trend to ever blow up on the internet. Seriously, you should have seen her Vine account. Her current obsession is “modeling” for Flat Tummy Tea and waist trainers. That’s right, the most powerful matriarch of the 21st century would be reduced to selling black market laxatives like a Bachelor contestant who made it to hometowns. She would spend her days shamelessly DMing Ryan Seacrest on Twitter about reality TV show ideas and plotting out all the ways in which she can divorce Caitlyn for stretching out her favorite Balmain dress, which she had to buy two seasons late.

Kim Kardashian

And last but not least, we have the woman behind it all: Kimberly Noel Kardashian West. Before fame Kris Jenner micromanaged the fuck out of her sex tape, Kim was just another rich girl in Calabasas, riding on the coattails of someone else’s family inheritance. *cough* PARIS HILTON *cough* And I think we all know where Kim would be rn if Kris hadn’t stepped in to shamelessly whore out her daughter to the media:

Mmm, yes, this all feels so right. 

Just once, I’d like to go 12 fucking hours without having my mind blown by another Kardashian pregnancy announcement. I was just wrapping my head around the fact that Kylie is kind of a teen mom now, when Khloé comes out with her own pregnancy announcement. That makes not one, not two, but THREE Kardashian babies in 2018, if you count Kim and her surrogate situation. I. Am. Shook. I, mean, WHERE IS YOUR BIRTH CONTROL, LADIES?? It’s like they don’t realize that their livelihoods depend entirely on how good they look? Idk. Also, wtf is Kris Jenner thinking? Because I don’t for one fucking second believe that these pregnancies were not orchestrated in an attempt to combat shitty Keeping Up ratings. Let’s be real here, Kris has had all of her children on some form of birth control since they hit puberty and she could start exploiting their bodies to the media career-coaching them. She’s not stupid, she knows pregnancy doesn’t pay the bills, semi-nude photo shoots do. Fucking duh.

So if she is letting her daughters run rampant with their vaginas then it’s got to be for some sort of strategic reason. That said, I can also see these girls going rogue, if only to test how well Kris can spin a pregnancy. And if they are testing the limits of Kris’s contract with the devil PR powers, then they’ve totally all made some sort of pregnancy pact and trashed all of their birth control. So let’s explore what kind of birth control method each member of the Kardashian Klan are actively not using rn. My parents would be so proud of how I’m using my college degree.

Kendall: The Pill

I get a sense that Kendall is boring AF methodical, and therefore needs the most average a more precise birth control to fit her personality. Plus Kendall is the only Kardashian with enough brain cells to realize that she would be nothing without her body. As the third highest paid model in the world, she knows that there’s no way in hell she can afford to get pregnant by some rich European dude she only fucked around with for two weeks because she wanted to use his yacht in Cannes. Smart girl.

Kylie: Pull & Prayer

I don’t for one second believe this girl wasn’t letting Travis Scott raw dog her on her daily basis. Since I’m pretty sure Kris Jenner had to bribe Ryan Seacrest into finagling Kylie a GED, I’m thinking she missed the part of Sex Ed where they taught her important shit, like how the pull-out method absolutely does work. Or honestly, knowing Kylie (which I do on a very close personal basis), she probably read about the Rhythm Method in some ironic Tumblr post and thought it was when you listen to rap while having sex and thought she was covered. If this is the year of realizing stuff then I’m hoping she’ll realize where babies come from.

Kourtney: Female Condoms

Kourtney’s a tough one for me to make wild assumptions about her sex life figure out her birth control methods. On the one hand, with Scott it was probably easy AF to control when and how she got pregnant. Most of the time I’m sure he was so drunk he couldn’t get it up, and the other half of the time she probably just had to sit on his prone body to impregnate herself. On the other hand, I feel like she has to be more careful now that she’s dating someone young enough for her to babysit a Brazilian model. I feel like Kourtney is into some weird shit when it comes to personal hygiene and stuff she puts in her body. I mean, remember that one time she stopped wearing deodorant because she was convinced Dove was trying to poison her with their “shower fresh” scent? Or the time she wanted to eat Reign’s placenta for its healing powers? Yeah, this bitch isn’t on your average birth control, that’s for fucking sure. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s into like, female condoms or like, birth control sponges or some shit. Something that’s annoying AF to use and only works half the time because at the end of the day she’s obsessed with getting pregnant regardless of whose sperm is involved.

Khloé: The Garbage Condom Method

Word on the street gossip columns that I religiously follow is that Khloé has been trying for-fucking-ever to have a child. If that’s the case then I’m still about to shit on her good fortune genuinely happy for Khloé. If I had to guess, I’d say her method of birth control involves a condom, which she snags from the garbage can 2.5 seconds after the dude leaves, takes to her fertility doctors, has scrambled in with her eggs and then implants into her uterus. Congrats on trapping a decent man the new baby, Khlo!

Kim: The IUD

If Kim’s Instagram account is any indication, this bitch is never trying to get pregnant ever again. Especially not when she knows she can just pay someone to carry a human life for her. Because nothing says “I hate getting fat pregnancy” like vacation candids of her with her entire ass on display while Offred her surrogate is quarantined for the next nine months in a windowless room (I assume) growing Kimye’s spawn. Nah, Kim is ALL about the IUD. She knows she’s nothing without her hot bod and army of skanks Instagram followers and letting childbirth get in the way of that is, like, soooo 2016.

^^Actual footage of Kim proposing the idea of a third child to Kanye

Exciting times are coming, y’all. Since The Bachelor basically shit the bed this season, it’s time to turn our sights to Are You The One?, the only dating show that has had success on MTV since Next #tbt. As the resident Are You The One? Expert at Betches *puts on business card*, I’m here to enlighten your uncultured minds to the beauty that is a bunch of drunk, moronic twentysomethings stuck in a house with nothing but an abnormally large pool, a colorful sectional couch, and condoms. I’ve watched the trailer for this season and it looks like MTV really scraped the bottom of the barrel this year. Exciting!

To prep us for the shitbags to come, let’s rehash some of the show’s WORST cast mates, aka the fuckboys. Unfortunately, these will not include cast members from season 1 and 2—I was too busy murdering my liver studying for exams in college to pay attention to those seasons. Sorry!

The Foreign Fuckboy: Asaf

Yeah, fuckboys aren’t mutually exclusive to our political administration and your local SAE fraternity house—they’re international. Asaf was a fuckboy pretty much straight from the beginning, when he told girls they were fat and that he was basically here to spread his little Israeli soldiers (his sperm, in case you didn’t get that) to every girl in the house. He’s the kind of guy to tell you that he majored in “international relations” wink wink, nudge nudge. *vomits*

The Psycho Fuckboy: Gio

Gio was that guy who you would bring home to freak out your parents but then suddenly you became kinda worried for your own safety because he’s a goddam lunatic. Homie could model underwear one day, then be the poster child for bipolar disorder the next. If he winds up in the news for keeping his girlfriend chained up in his basement because she once pointed out that his socks didn’t match, none of us will be surprised. Actually, I’ll be surprised if that doesn’t happen at some point.

The Gross Fuckboy: Chuck

Chuck is the guy at the bar who tries way too hard to make it look like he doesn’t shower. In his season, he fucked Brittni, his confirmed no-match, RIGHT after he hooked up with Hannah (season bae/girl who actually liked him), in front of everyone in the backyard. Like, really? You gotta bone in the Adirondacks? Really, right in front of my salad?

The Dumb Fuckboy: Ozzy

Ozzy was one of last season’s biggest boners in the house for sure. When he wasn’t hooking up with every other girl in the house, he was lying about how he hooked up with every other girl in the house. Even post-show he’s managed to continuously fuck over the girls from his casting season. Like damn dude, don’t shit where you eat. You’re in the real world now—be a normal person and hook up with someone from The Challenge: Road Rules.

The Pretty Fuckboy: Tyler

You know that guy you regret hooking up with but like, not thaaaat much because he’s still super fucking hot? That is Tyler. He plays games, he lies, he cheats, but he looks like a fucking Calvin Klein model.

Beauty is pain, folks.

HONORABLE MENTION: Devin

Devin is beyond a fuckboy. He’s genuinely an asshole. I basically HAD to include him on this list because he’s literally the perceived villain of this show, but frankly, I admire the dude. He wins pretttty much everything (he won Second Chances and he developed the plan for winning his season) and he has equal balance of being lovable and a massive dick. However, Devin has a fucking PhD in being a goddamn game player and has no issues using emotional warfare to fuck everyone over. Idk why I’m acting like it’s not attractive to me, though—10/10 would still fuck Devin. We’ve all been there. 

Are You The One? is coming back to MTV TOMORROW, motherfuckers, so be sure to watch it and get your ass back to Betches to read our phenom recaps. K love ya, bye!

Good news for those of you who are dissatisfied with your current employment: A job just opened up that will either be the best thing that ever happened to you, or a Devil-Wears-Prada-On-Steroids-esque nightmare. Corinne Olympios is looking for an assistant. I’ll give you a second to take that in. Ms. Olympios (as I’m sure you’ll be required to call her) put out the call for personal assistants via Insta Story this morning, and said she is looking for an LA based assistant “with experience.”

Question: Does watching obsessive amounts of The Bachelor count as experience? If so, I’m very experienced.

Corinne (wearing the very professional Instagram dog filter) goes on to say that she is “looking at resumes today” but provides no info as to where to send said resumes. Consider finding Corinne’s email your first test.

Corinne ends her Story with one piece of advice for anyone who wants to join Team Corn, and it’s probably best if you take it seriously: “Be ready, cuz, I’m a handful.”

I mean, that sounds about right. Remember how she casually dropped three grand on a single shopping trip with Nick? Somebody’s gotta go back and return that shit when she realizes she hates all of it. And sure, you’ll probably report directly to Raquel, but there are going to be a lot of non-cheese pasta related tasks that will be your responsibility. Someone’s gotta wake her up from her naps and re-schedule all of her appointments when she refuses to get up and sleeps through everything. Sounds like a dream, no pun intended.

BRB. Preemptively sending in my two weeks’ notice and relocating to Los Angeles now.